Saturday, December 30, 2006

and so this is christmas

Christmas break is wonderful.

Right now there is no class and no work. And yesterday my only goal was to get the dust off of the ceiling in the hallway. (Success, by the way.) It's strange having nothing to do. Absolutely nothing. I filled my day appropriately with cleaning the porch, eating at Cool Beans, and hanging out with Corinne. She's such a lovely person for those of you who aren't aware.

I saw four dead squirrels on the Horseshoe. That was disturbing. It might be an epidemic. Also, I watched two movies last night. In a row. A perfect way to waste some time with Corinne and Lou.

I don't know why I put those two facts together. But Little Miss Sunshine was hilarious. I think it'll be even funnier the next time I watch it and the shock factor is missing.

And that's what I did with my day where I had nothing to do, but smile.

Me: Hey!
David: Hey! How are you? Must be good because you've probably been hanging out with Mr. Jones since I haven't heard from you in awhile.

The rest of break has been just wonderful as well. Matt Jones came home on the 23rd and I've been lucky to spend so much time with him. I actually think that I've seen him everday which will have spoiled me greatly by the time he leaves. And for those of you who knew about his gift. It went quite well. And he enjoyed it very much.

Have I ever mentioned how incredibly lucky I am? Because now might be the time to insert it if I haven't.

And now I sit eating a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, thinking about Michael and Ashley's Wedding today. I wonder how they're both feeling right now. Hmm.

Celebrate, we will! Cause life is short, but sweet for certain!

Monday, December 25, 2006

when the night falls we see the star of wonder

But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. (Luke 2:10-11, NIV)

Friday, December 22, 2006

i feel it in my fingers. i feel it in my toes.

I've been reading this quote for months.

I believe in absolute truth the way Jesus defines absolute truth. He is asked, "what is truth?" He says, "I am. What you're to get is an answer so you can feel right and I'm not going to give you that answer. You need to trust Me." - dmiller

my lipstick fades away

Aren't I lovely? And do you want me? Cause I am hungry for something that will make me real.

Captivating has explained so much to me. About myself. It's beautiful and frightening at the same time. I'm interested to see where the rest of this book takes me.

Can you see me? And do you love me? Cause I am desperately searching for something real.

Tonight I was struck by the knowledge that it is Christmastime, so I stopped at Walmart on my way back from the Wired Bean. Mistake. It was so busy. And I took my meager purchases to the front of the store and stood in line for a very long time.

The woman in front of me had tons of stuff. An overflowing buggy full of toys and tortilla chips. It took quite awhile to go through it all. When I quickly paid for my things and started to leave, the woman apologized to me for not letting me go ahead of her. I told her it was okay, that I didn't have anyone waiting for me at home and she obviously did.

She thanked me for being so understanding and I then I told her to have a Merry Christmas.

Then I was sad because I realized I had nothing except a dirty pile of clothes to go back to at my apartment. Oh well. At least now I have Christmas lights and little tree that needs me.

Then that whole feeling made me think of what Captivating had said about women being relational beings. And my whole evening came full circle. Weird.

I have the next two days off from life. And Matt Jones is coming home. I can't wait.

Friday, December 15, 2006

i miss you already. i miss you always.

I'm glad Eddie and his lyrics could reclaim a spot in my life with Alison.

I just sent Alison to China for a month. Three weeks-ish. This is the longest I will have been without her since we started living together.

Who is going to listen to me complain about work? Or help me decide if my outfit is cute? Who is going to be here to get excited for me on December 23? Who am I going to go to when Matt leaves again? I think I'm going to have to make my own hot tea and do my own dishes now.

Oh dear. I miss my roommate.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

they dug me my very own garden...

... gave me sunshine, made me happy. Nice dream. If you think that you're strong enough. If you think that you belong enough.

Accounting final. Oy. I think I can say goodbye to my 4.0. Welcome back 3.9 gpa. Whatever.

There is still so much going on, but tonight was good and relaxed.

I went to the Wired Bean and spent time drinking coffee and hanging out with my friends. Rachel and I stayed until we got kicked out. I've never done that before. We went to Midnight Breakfast, too. Amazing. I'm so full, but it was totally worth it for the blueberry pancakes.

"And it's not just the desire for an outward beauty, but more - a desire to be captivating in the depths of who you are." - Stasi Eldredge.

And I started reading more of Captivating. It means more to me now than it did at the beginning of the summer when I stopped reading it. It talks about three desires of a woman's heart: to be romanced, to plan an irreplaceable role in a great adventure and to unveil beauty. And as I read it, I keep thinking how true it all is.

Sometimes we don't want to admit our desire to be loved or to be in a relationship that is important or even our longing to feel beautiful. It's not modern. It's not feminist nazism. It's not 21st century. But it is how God created our hearts.

I've only read one chapter (again) but I hope to learn more and share more this time around.

Tonight, I tell you this (and I hope you know and believe it in your heart) :

The King is enthralled by your beauty! (Psalm 45:11)

Sunday, December 10, 2006

she was his girl. he was her boyfriend.

So I'm told, so the story goes...

I really really want to hear Dave play Christmas Song. Really. Really. Really. I don't know how else to convey how much I really want this to happen.

The people he knew were less than golden hearted. Gamblers and robbers, drinkers and jokers, all soul searchers like you and me. Searching for love love love. Love love love love love is all around.

Shack Ball was amazing. Courtney Jones was an excellent date through all three phases - Espresso. Dancing. More Espresso. There are pictures on Facebook to prove it.

Yesterday was a long and awkward work day, but I do so enjoy working with Amanda that the time didn't seem to creepy by so slowly. And last night was fun hanging out with the guys even if I thought I was going to have nightmares about Indians and ladybugs.

I'm still waiting on my box of Om even though I've already received two other boxes of tea from the company I ordered from. Speaking of tea, there is always this guy who comes into JJ with a little bag of herbs and calls it tea and wants us to give him a cup of hot water for it. I think it's just rosemary, but whatever it is, there are definitely no tea leaves involved.

Today, I finished a project on why smoking should be banned in restaurants. Now I'm studying for accounting. And I'm reading Captivating because I never finished it the first time around.

Tony and I babysat at the Shack tonight and I've decided that I really like children who lay in your lap or play with your hair. The kind that don't scream. Those are the best kinds of kids.

Preparations were made for his celebration day. He said "Eat this bread and think of it as me. Drink this wine and dream it will be..."

Also, it was confirmed that Matt Jones is wonderful as a person and as a boyfriend.

There has been so much going on and there is still so much going on. This week is exam week and I only have one exam and one presentation, but I'm still completely busy.

David's birthday is Tuesday involving sushi, so that's exciting. I work everyday this week and Alison goes to China on Friday. Then I go see Dave on Saturday, but have to drive back to work at Wholly Cow on Sunday and Monday, then it's back to work here until we close on Friday. Then Matt comes home! And I either leave that night or the next morning to work at Wholly Cow again.

I'm glad I'm working at a coffee shop.

I'm really excited about seeing my family and working with my mom. And I'm really excited about seeing Matt again - who, strangely, I have seen more often this semester than I have my Charleston folks.

I think I'll put up my Charlie Brown Christmas Tree this week. It needs me.

I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm cold. And I don't know how to fix this problem. Slippers. I think I'll buy some. And maybe some long johns. I'll wear them all the time. That's not strange, is it? When I have a home, I think I'll make sure it has a fireplace.

Father up above, why in all this anger do you fill me up with love love love?

Oh Lord, I pray for everyone and their stress levels this week. I pray for the craziness of exams and the holiday season. And I pray for patience for us all when we feel like it's crumbling around us. Oy. Because that's how it will feel eventually. I'm so glad your strength is made perfect in weakness. Thank you.

Friday, December 08, 2006

dark clouds may hang on me sometimes

... but I'll work it out. And then I look up at the sky, my mouth is open wide. Lick and taste. What's the use in worrying? What's the use in hurrying? Turn turn, we almost become dizzy.

We have cable. Who knew?

I am the Secretary of Coffee. I like that. And now I do music.

It's the end of the semester. I have one final and one group presentation, then I'm that much closer to graduation. I'm excited even though I'm not nearly ready to leave this life behind.

I have to make a 94 on my accounting final to make an A in the class. That means I'd have a 4.0 coming out of 18 hours. How ridiculous. I'm not going to hold my breathe. Plus, that's assuming my group presentation goes well. It's the pro side of banning smoking in restaurants.

Matt will be home in two weeks. A week and a half if you ask Rachel because she likes to lie to me to make me feel better.

Between now and then I'm gonna dance dance with my boyfriend's sister at the Shack Ball. I have to study and see people I haven't seen all semester. I'm going to work a whole bunch. Everyday, basically. I'm going to see Dave Matthews in Asheville with Kt! And I'm going home to work for my mom.

Speaking of - There was a shooting at the Citadel Mall on Wednesday night. In the food court bathrooms right behind our store. I don't know what that means for our employees or the mall or our business or my friend who is going to have to write that press release. People don't seem too concerned which is both good and bad, I suppose. My mom, I think, will be pretty reluctant to let me work alone at night while I'm there, but I'm actually not scared of dying while making espresso.

I'm anxious about some things right now. Some concerning myself. Some concerning others. I've decided all that I can do about it is pray.

He must become greater; I must become less. John 3:30

I want some slipper socks. Like the really expensive kind they sell at J Crew or the cheaper version they sell at American Eagle and Target. Maybe then our electric and gas bill wouldn't be so high... I can't wait to start reading books for fun in the upcoming month. I have a stack.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

and I would have stayed up with you all night...

Thursday I worked and it was busy.
Friday I worked and it was kinda like hell.
Today (it's still Saturday to me) I worked and it was busy.

Good for Jammin Java. I apologize to my feet and my hands - especially the parts of them I accidentally sliced with a knife or saran wrap box. Or to my right hand that I poured freshly brewed coffee onto.

I went to Papa Jazz tonight. Bought a cd. Two, actually. Um. I can't remember the last time I bought a cd.

I went running to get rid of all the tension. It kinda worked. It was cold and my throat burned, but my palms were sweaty and chest cursed at me.

I love Alison. I respect her, too. I really enjoy sitting on my kitchen floor eating cheerios and talking to my roommate. I hope that carries onto our next home. I hope I do that with my kids one day. It seems like a good way to bond.

I make decisions based on my past experiences and the things I want to avoid in my future ones. I won't ever feel bad again about not going out to bars anymore.

I always take those damn surveys that ask what I regret. I usually answer, "I regret nothing. I like to think everything as life experience whether it was enjoyable or not." It's a cop out answer. But now I know. I know what I regret. And it didn't seem like a big deal at the time because it's what I wanted, but hearing stories and switching roles in my head - it breaks my heart. And I regret it.

(And just so you all know this is nothing recent. Ok, good. You can breathe now.)

Sometimes I wish I wasn't scared of blood and that I could be a doctor and that I could save lives. But I am scared of blood and it makes me want to puke and I won't save lives. Hopefully, I'll be able to make a difference one shot of espresso at a time.

I've been watching too much Grey's Anatomy. We have season one on dvd. I would like season two - for those of you looking for Christmas ideas. I watched four episodes. I screamed several times. And now I'm just glad that Patrick Dempsey got his big break. And that the show plays so much amazing music.

I wish we'd always wake up new, refreshed and born again with nothing left to lose. But we drink too much. Who needs a crutch? Pull off the bandage there's no wound.

I bought this stuff called Peanut Wonder - It's fake peanut butter. Seriously, it has 85% less fat and 40% less calories than the regular love of my life peanut butter. Seems too good to be true, right? Because it is. It's a $6 jar of disgusting. I miss my peanut fat.

This doesn't even make any sense and I need to go to bed.
I want chinese food.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

i like where we are when we drive in your car

This time last week I was with Matt Jones. And unknowingly getting ready to be pulled over by a cop... I can't wait for him to come home again - Matt, that is, not the cop. It was so good.

Well, you are the one, the one that lies close to me...
Whispers, "Hello. I've missed you quite terribly."
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly.
Now, there's no place I could be, but here in your arms.

I like this song. It's my new ringtone.

I'm completely done with my marketing class. One down. Five to go. And I really only have two finals to take - That I know of. I hope. I just can't wait for this semester to be over. I've mentally checked out of it.

I'm already in Christmas mode. I'm shopping and picking up all the extra work hours I can. I want to make bank and sell back my books and work with Danielle and make some cash and buy the pretty pretty presents for people and go on the fun fun trips.

And see Dave! And Mute Math! And The Fray!

My brother is amazing. He takes such good care of me and my car. I appreciate him more than he probably believes. (My car tag light is broke and he's been helping me with it for the past week. He even called the dealer for me!)

Courtney Jones is gonna be my lucky, music referencing date to the Shack Christmas Ball. Get excited.

I'm against global warming and the effect it has on my clothing choices (tank top vs. new cute GAP coat), but I like that it inspires Mr. Ben Gibbard.

Praise God for turning my attitude around this week. For keeping me busy and on my toes and surrounded by people who care about me!

Oooooh. I just want everything to be the way I want it to be right this very moment!

Sunday, November 26, 2006

this may not surprise you at all

I had a great weekend. I am a very lucky girl.

All this time we've been together, you were my best friend, but now all I want to do is love you.

In case you didn't know - Carolina beat Clemson. That's pretty awesome.

And wherever you fall I want to be, I want to be there to lift you.

There is a large amount of Bulk Barn powdered cheese in our pantry.

All I want to do is love you and wherever you are I want to be there with you.

And Matt Jones will be home in approximately 26 days.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

put sufjan stevens on and we'll play your favorite song.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. And today was absolutely perfect.
Even though my family was in Charleston. Even though I had to help Alison cross the border at 5am. Even though I got a Happy Thanksgiving warning ticket from Mr. Policeman.

I don't know what I did to deserve all this amazingness in my life.

I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it - collapse into me tired with joy.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

life is good. life is great. life is unbelievable.

Wow. The past couple of days have been... I don't know what to say.

I can't wait to be with you. No, I just can't sit still. Are we there, yet?

Tonight ended my week of music. Thank you I Nine for playing in the drizzly cold while I stood sidelines and watched Cocky try to eat Alison's ponytail.

Thanks also goes to Ben Folds, Cornmo, Regina Spektor, and Imogen Heap with Kid Beyond and Levi Weaver. Levi is my new musician crush. And mostly because he played his guitar with a bow and then used a looping machine to cover Idioteque.

Thank you LFO for your lyte and funky lyrics.

So, what would you do if you wake tomorrow, there's no more sorrow, your dreams came true. So, knock on wood and cross your fingers, now count your blessings, it might be you.

With USAA, I can now deposit checks without leaving my apartment. Cool.

I bought a digital camera! It should be here Tuesday or Wednesday. How exciting? I feel all grown up.

Joel dances on the sidewalk when his phone rings. I think that's funny.

Tonight was cheap bar places night. And by that, I mean I had pizza at Idiot before 7 and celebrated Pint Night at Saucer. Now, I have a distinct bar smell. I am not fond of it.

Tomorrow is the last day of classes for the week. SoooooExcited.

I really just can't wait for Thursday to come. And, by now, I think it goes without saying why, but let me know if you have questions.

Closing in. I hope that you make it. Closing in. I hope you find your way.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

and this old world is a new world and a bold world

"I find it so impressive that you live on your own, pay your own bills, live in a different city, found someone that makes you so happy, and so much more. I want to say I'm proud but that doesn't seem like the right thing to say.

Your awesome, that about says it all."

It's weird to grow up and move on. It's weird to share your new life with old friends. It's good to combine them, too. I used to hate making my own decisions. I used to hate living in Columbia. I used to be so concerned with making a mistake and being alone. Hmm. I'm glad things are the way they are. And I guess that's all I've got to say about that.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

the window's open now and the winter settles in

I don't understand how Blogger in Beta is different from old Blogger.

I like Kroger. It has an excellent vegetarian and organic selection. Plus, it has Odwalla juices for cheaper than Fresh Market. And it's like everything there is on sale. And that makes me happy.

Tonight, I went to Target and saw a group of people outside. It was cold. They are spending the night there, so they can be first in line when the new PS3 comes out. Silly. Except that you can buy one for $600 and sell it for thousands on eBay. Not so silly. I pray they can still feel their toes in the morning.

I am missing the hidden track on the Damien Rice cd because I got it from allofmp3. Someone should help me fix that. It would be nice.

M&Ms now come in Mint Chocolate. I think that statement speaks for itself.

I have a lot of work to do from now until Tuesday. Then I just have random things to do. Like paint my toes and clean my room. Oh and study for tests, but thats neither here nor there.

I am pretty sure I get to see James Riley this weekend. Awesome.

And ohmygoodness. Dawn is pregnant. My friends are starting to have children.

This time next week, I will be in the same time zone with Matt Jones. The same city, even. And, more than likely, I might even be in the same room as him. And that is what I have to be thankful for this year (above and among some other amazing things).

Rachel made vegetable soup and she is coming over with it and we're going to watch Grey's Anatomy. Life is good.

a poem:
sleep is for the weak.
coffee is my crack.
by rachel smith.

I love most everything you bring to this offering.

but I'll shout out my love to the stars

... and I swear to the stars, I'll burn this whole city down.

I could've been more productive.
I could've bought coffee instead of a latte.
I could've gone into work on time instead of early.
I could've been rude to some customers.
I could've skipped my classes.

Today. I could have done a lot of things different.
But I don't think it would have been nearly as good. I wouldn't have been encouraged as much as I was. I wouldn't have received some beautiful compliments. I wouldn't have seen some people who I like to see. I wouldn't have learned some new tricks. I wouldn't have enjoyed any frosted mint goodness.

Today might have been worse without all that.

ps. Dave Matthews in Asheville on December 16. Try to stop me.
And I'm going to see The Fray and MuteMath with Cindy in January.

(i'm gonna pay no mind to taunts or advances. i'm gonna take my chances on everyday.)

Monday, November 13, 2006

i miss you more than i thought i could

Mmm. S'mores. I love them.

This weekend was amazing. It was encouraging and affirming. I love Shack on the Lake. And even though I'm graduating, I hope it's not my last.

If you could do anything to glorify the Lord, even if it was pumping gas, what would you do? "I would snowboard down a mountain playing my guitar with Tori on my back." - Craig

I'm comfortable here. I'm going to miss it when I'm gone.

Ben Folds is tomorrow. And Regina on Friday. And Imogen on Sunday. And I Nine on Monday.

And then Matt comes into Columbia on Thanksgiving which is way more exciting than anything else I just mentioned.

I recommend the new Damien Rice cd - 9. I like it and I think you will too. I wonder if any of the songs are about Rene Zelwegger. Hmm. Maybe Rootless Tree. It's particularly angry.

I'm listening to Joshua Radin, too. He is also highly recommended.

I'm drafting a report right now on the need for new cash register operations. It's not fun, but it happens. Oo. And tomorrow I register for my very last semester of classes at USC. Crazy.

I hope my next blog is more meaningful.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

i’ve been dying to tell you anything you want to hear

... and sugar, we're going down swinging.

I want to go to Nashville to see Rachel and to meet the new baby. She's awfully adorable. I hate missing out on people's lives.

I think I could work at a country club if I needed geographic flexibility.

I watch two shows during the week: Gilmore Girls and Grey's Anatomy. Next week, these two shows will both be overwhelming. Proposals. Marty. Paris, the city not the girl. Dr. McDreamy. Two surgeries. And so much more to look forward to.

Speaking of things to look forward to... Matt and I will be in the same time zone again in two weeks. Happy. And we'll get to spend Thanksgiving together - with his family. I like his family. It's nice of them to include me and I really appreciate it. It's weird though because I've never spent this holiday with anyone other than my mom.

Oo. And Shack on the Lake is this weekend. I'm excited about that, too.

A thousand miles seems pretty far, but they've got planes and trains and cars. I'd walk to you if I had no other way.

Monday, November 06, 2006

i don't know the perfect conversation

I ate my gelato too quickly.
Now I'm feeling sort of sickly.

P.S. Pumpkin gelato should only be taken in small doses. And not mixed with cinnamon if there is any chance that the cinnamon tastes like a freezer.

On a better note, the guy who works there now (David, 2months) is incredibly friendly. He's definitely no Matt Jones (when Adriana's days were good), but he's waayyy better than Phil. Weigh your options. I recommend going to visit him and tipping him well. Even if your gelato makes you sick.

I miss food that I can chew.

Babababa. It's a busy week. Tests. Papers. Projects. All colliding into Shack on the Lake. I'm so excited. Fuzzy boots. S'mores (I hope I can eat them by then.) And, of course, amazing fellowship with amazing people. Ooo and forced alone time with God. I love it.

There are so many people at The Shack now that I don't know that well. Kinda makes me sad. Kinda makes me happy. Kinda makes me wish I wasn't leaving so soon.

DMB - The Best of What's Around, Volume 1 comes out tomorrow. I think I could've done better. Alas. Um. I'm thinking of buying a digital camera. Soonish. I dunno if I can wait around until Christmas just to see if I maybe get one. I miss Kt. I really do.

Other good things: It is pint night at the Flying Saucer. And I like pint night. Also, there is no class tomorrow. Lots of work to do, but this is outweighed by my lovely lunch date and the fact that I don't have to actually go to class. Suckers. Ooo. New Gilmore Girls tomorrow, too. And I'm gonna make soup.

sing it out. la la la la.
oh yeah. i saw sparks.

So, whilst I complain about only being able to open my jaw (maybe) an inch, I will enjoy the rest of life's little pleasantries.

(There's no good reason for the way you love me, but I thank God that you do.) D.Barnes

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

one step closer to being just where i want to be

Meet me in the middle. Come on, let's make up a dance. And we'll agree to call it the compromise.

It's supposed to be 81 degrees today. Oy, Columbia. Pick a season.

I'm having my pictures done today. I have no idea how this experience will turn out this year.

Also. I have every day filled until the Shack Christmas Ball. Yes, that is the last day of classes. I apologize for the inconveniences this may cause to anyone reading this. Or anyone not reading this.

Lou wrote a blog about insecurities and I understand it. That was my last week. It's hard to feel not enough.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

And it's nice to find out that all those silly insecurities are not necessary. And that you are thought about all the time. And loved. A lot.

"... but God's love, God's voice and presence would instill our souls with such affirmation we would need nothing more and would cause us to love other people so much we would be willing to die for them." - D.Miller, Searching for God Knows What

Monday, October 30, 2006

and i won't waste a minute without you

A week, huh? Were you all wondering where I went?

I didn't really go anywhere, but I was lost for a couple of days. God found me and brought me back. And now I'm really busy, so you might not hear from me again for awhile. Who knows though? Certainly not me... I've been noticing a lot of things recently and I'm trying to process a lot of things, too. I've also been trying to worry about nothing and pray about everything... He has made so much better in the past seven days.

I can't remember everything from the past week, so I'll catch you up with today:

I had a lovely breakfast with Hanneke at Immac. I adore Hanneke and I feel as though she is one of the people who has had the biggest impact on my college experience. And for that I am truly blessed.

I then did a lot of work. I had an accounting exam. I was advised. (It's crazy that I'm actually going to graduate soon! With honors! I'm going to the real world...) Um. I wrote a project proposal and did a statement of cash flows. I didn't read for Purchasing which I should have, but I was distracted by a dodgy, sketchy lizard in my room. It was on my body spray. It wanted to hurt me. I could see the violence in it's little beady eyes.

I've been listening to: Snow Patrol, Hem, Idlewild, The Format, Jose Gonzalez and Imogen Heap. All have been quite enjoyable.

My feet are cold, but I guess, in the end, today went pretty well. It included fudgy pumpkin brownies, too. Look gross. Taste delicious.

And I got to talk to Matt again which was quite nice because I think he's pretty amazing. (We reached one month today which we both feel is a very good thing to remember and celebrate.) It's nice to have someone who cares about you as much as you care about them even if they're 9 hours away. I can't wait until Thanksgiving.

Um, I'm having my wisdom teeth taken out on Friday. Kinda nervous about that nonsense. And I'll be cooped up all weekend. I will appreciate visitors. No cameras, please. And I'll accept flowers, cards, dvds, and all things drinkable.

So, add in several cups of hot tea and a pair of fuzzy boots and that's life right now...

Get up. Get out. Get away from these liars. Cause they don't get your soul or your fire.

Monday, October 23, 2006

a strange reaction for someone like you to remain so sure

"but it is beautiful when imperfections don't stop someone's desires."

He says He will rescue and protect me
because I love Him. because He first loved me. because I love others.

Be Still
, he says, and know that I am God.

And if I am still, I can feel Him and know Him and trust Him.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

I can't find my way without following You.

Thank God for His love. For friends. For words of truth. For rebuke. For realization. For accountability. For prayer.

If you saw the face of God and love, would you change?

Friday, October 20, 2006

i keep on running to protect my situation

I'm glad not a lot of people can see me right now because I am a mess.

I don't know what's wrong with me or how this happened, but I'm sick. Somehow. I'm sick on fall break! Oh, the misery of it all.

And I went to the optometrist today and she dialated my eyes, so for a couple of hours my eyes are super sensitive to light and my reading vision is malfunctioning. Actually, looking at this computer screen is giving me a headache.

I feel crazy.
I'm trying to like the new John Mayer cd.
I'm going to read a new book. The Pleasure of my Company.

Sometimes I wish life was normal. Then I remember that I don't like normal.

Google "sony bouncy ball" and find the video of it. It's magical. Look for the frog.

And I'll come through like I do when the world keeps testing me, testing me, testing me.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

and for a moment you can hardly breathe

I finished the book.

Joe is in so much trouble for making me read this.

We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm. - George Orwell

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

now floating up and down i spin colliding into sound

Ok. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself, but I keep reading this book and about every fifteen pages I start crying. I really want to ask my brother why he thought I would enjoy this book.

I'm reading about Marines going into Iraq and about their families, their friends, and their girlfriends. I'm reading about them being bombed.

Where is the coast guard? I keep looking each direction for a spotlight, give me something. I need something for protection.

I wish my brother had never signed up for infantry.

I worry. And pray. pray. pray.
I'm glad Matt didn't sign up for anything like that.
I would really miss my sanity...

People who have loved ones in the military should not subject themselves to this, but I keep doing it anyway. Maybe Alison is right. Maybe I should just put the book in the freezer.

I wanna swim away, but don't know how. Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean... Let the rain of what I feel right now come down.

Monday, October 16, 2006

the circle of your friends will defend the silver lining

pain throws your heart to the ground.
love turns the whole thing around.
no, it won't all go the way it should,
but i know the heart of life is good.

I'm glad that I will always have people in my life to help shape my music tastes. Good people. I like these people.

I made a mixed cd today. It's the first mixed cd I've ever made just for one person. And I think it's pretty good.

Wisdom teeth suck. I want mine gone now.

I have a test tomorrow. I just got home from pint night. I am such a bad student.

I love USC. I love college. I love my friends. But I can't wait to move onto the next phase of my life. I want to see what my future holds...

I'm reading a book my brother gave me - The Gift of Valor. It's the story of a marine in Iraq. Yeah, I already cried. I'm having a hard time disassociating the characters from the people in my real life who are in the military.

It's cold outside. I wore my green pea coat the other night after the fair. Last night, after I got off the phone with Matt, I went inside and I couldn't feel my toes. Yeah. It's that kind of weather. Get excited.

White chocolate, frosted mint lattes. Yum.

I'm having a super difficult time waking up in the mornings. It's like my body refuses to even think about waking up before 7. I don't understand. I think if I get less hours of sleep, then my body will have less time to get comfy in bed and then I'll be able to get up more easily. Does that make any sense at all?

Ooo. I'm going skiing. I'm bummin' the bling from my dad for Shack on the Slopes. Woot.

It's almost Fall Break. I'm going to Asheville. I just can't wait for Thanksgiving.

I'm sorry this was so random.

P.S. Bob Day loves cake.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

hey. how long 'til the music drowns you out?

This is a good time for music, I feel.

Baumer - Tonight. 5 Points After 5, yo.
Amos Lee - October 13 (Music Farm, Not going, but I'm glad he's playing.)
Jason Harwell - October 20 (at the java that is jammin')
Mute Math - October 22 (Charlotte - maybe) and 25 (G'vegas - fo' sure)
Eric Skelton - November 10 (my place of employment)
Ben Folds - November 14 (Koger Center w. Student ID)
Regina Spektor - November 17 (Roxy Theatre)
Death Cab - November 18 (@ Clemson. Really wish I was going...)
Imogen Heap - November 19 (the Tabernacle)
I Nine - November 20 (Representin' back at Tigerburn...)

These are all excellent things, people. Let's not miss the music.

Beethoven said something amazing on an Urban Outfitters shirt once and if I ever find the quote, I'm putting it here...

... music is a higher revelation than any wisdom or philosophy.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

my hands are small, i know

I felt small today.

I was walking through the Horseshoe this morning and no one was out there. So, I started looking around and noticed how big the trees were and how tall the columns on some of the buildings were. I noticed all the grass and the animals running on it. I thought of all the memories I had there and how some small ones overshadowed much more interesting ones. I was listening to worship music and thought about how much some of those words mean. And who those people were singing about.

When I think of all of the things that we've done and what's to come, I can't help but think it's part of some - part of a plan.

And I thought about how small I was compared to all of it.

Small to nature. Small to buildings. Small to my past. Small to my future. Small to worship. Small to my Creator. So small to the amazing things I know he's doing in my life. Small to the closeness and safety I feel when I spend time with Him.

So small.

So small when he convicted me today about judgement. So small when someone else apologized to me for it. So small.

His love and greatness and creation and knowledge are so big. And I felt small. And I had never felt happier to feel that small. So small.

I wish we could open our eyes to see in all directions at the same time. Oh, what a beautiful view if you were never aware of what was around you.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

right through that screaming crowd

Yesterday, I wanted to go to work and be full of joy.

And by the time 10 o'clock rolled around I wanted to call Nate and yell at him for forgetting about the busy night and the giant group of high school girls who were coming in. Alison kept taking orders and the tickets kept piling up and I just kept making things. It was so busy.

But everything got out. All the customers were happy. All it cost were our smiles and the brightness in our eyes.

I'm a terrible warrior. I'm so weak. I get brought down too easily. I listen to myself instead of listening to God telling me to be strong.

Because, even though I was tired, my night ended up just fine. And we had great music to listen to while we closed and I felt so blessed by my friends - and the strangers in my life. A shout out to Corinne, Carole and Wayne for being amazing and being so helpful while we closed.

While we were on our knees praying that disease would leave the ones we love and never come again.

Then I went home and had an email from Matt which made me happy, but I found out he's sick. Not sure what/how/why. This is also made my crankiness seem unfounded. At least I'm not sick and nine hours away from the people that I love and want to take care of me.

This is how it works: you peer inside yourself, you take the things you like and try to love the things you took...

Now, I'm sitting here in my semi chilly room wearing my snowmen pjs and my air force sweatshirt pondering my future and the weather. I better enjoy it now because it'll be warm later this week.

... and then you take that love you made and stick it into some - someone else's heart, pumping someone else's blood.

When I'm older, I hope that I have enough money to overpay and overstaff my coffee shop, so no one ever seems under appreciated or overwhelmed.

And walking arm in arm, you hope it don't get harmed, but even if it does, you'll just do it all again.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

seasons change before me...

In October, everybody walks around with a certain energy as if they are going to be elected president the next day, as if they are going to get married. - d.miller

Today was mildly stressful, but all over good. It's not over yet - it could get even better.

I lost Squeegy today. For a solid 3 hours I had to emotionally detach myself from my ipod and remember that my life would still be amazing without all 60 gb of it's beauty. And then I thought I broke my toe or ripped it off or something when I went to the McCutchen House. Let's just say it hurts. And I was pretty sure I wanted to keep my toe...

I was talking to Garrett this morning and here is part of our conversation...

G: It's funny. You've always been somewhat of the quintessential cynic.
E: What? No, I haven't!
G: Yeah, yeah. Look at you. All bouncy and "hey! how are you!?" (flails arms in the air) It's not the coffee... So, tell me, Erin. The birds - do they chirp a little louder now? Is the grass a little greener?
E: Hmm. Yup.

For some reason my schedule is messed up. It's okay. I have a test tomorrow. It's okay. I'm tired. It's okay. I'm busy. It's okay. I've accepted it.

Gilmore girls comes on soooooon. Holla.

I'll trade the moon for the sun, but this feeling for no one.

Monday, October 02, 2006

(it's brighter than sunshine)

The love that I was giving you was never in doubt. Let go of your heart. Let go of your head. And feel it now.

I listened to a lot of David Gray this weekend during my 18 hours of driving. And I decided, when in doubt, play the new Snow Patrol album.

Soooo. I went to Biloxi - I'm sure you all weren't aware... That's my little lion, Thom. He was my navigator. It was a very good weekend despite the fact that during the Hurricane Katrina relief efforts that this city had been forgotten.

I have so much I could say about this weekend. I'm not sure where I would start though. I haven't even finished writing in my journal about it...

It was good to be there. It was great to see Matt. I had fun. I'm very happy. And I can't wait until Thanksgiving.

But for now, there is lots to do. October is busy and consuming. It'll be good.

So, then when you are not in my dreams and not in my mind, but we're at the same place at the same time - rubber no longer holds the borders of my soul.

Monday, September 25, 2006

but you turned me into somebody loved.

I let the day go by - I always say goodbye. I watch the stars from my window sill, The whole world is moving and I’m standing still. I thought of you and where you’d gone. And the world spins madly on.

I live in an ever changing city - where people come and go. Columbia rarely gets to keep the people it meets. Luckily, I'm different than a city. The goodbyes that are the hardest and mean the most are for the people who I will see again because they mean that much. Because they've shaped my life in that way.

It's hard to watch people come and go, but it's good to know that it's done with an intent that is unparalleled to most decisions I've ever made.

I hope one day that God takes me to these amazing places and uses me for all the amazing things I see him using my friends for. I'm overly blessed by the impact they (here or far away) have all had in my life.

To Miss Amy May - You are an amazing woman filled with more faith than I have ever seen. I pray for your travels, the work you're going to do and the lives you're going to change. Don't ever doubt yourself or what you're doing. Thank you for being a part of my life! I love you and I'll see you in a year...

All it takes is a little faith and a lot of heart, sweetheart.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

i am trying to say what i want to say

'cause I'm not scared,
but I'd like some extra spare time,

easily earn me big money.

My Dad worries about me. Cute.

Dad: Are you happy?
Me: You know... I am.
Dad: If I won the lottery tomorrow, I don't think my life would change that much. Sure, I'd buy a house on the beach and I'd go some places, but I like my life. Hell, I love my life.
Me: Me too. I mean, I get busy and tired. And sometimes I worry about things, but I'm very happy with my life and where it's going.
Dad: I'm glad to hear it. It's a good thing for a parent to hear their child say that.

What I'm listening to... Alice and Interiors - Manchester Orchestra, Snow (Hey Oh) - Red Hot Chili Peppers, Pictures of Success - Rilo Kiley, What I'm Trying to Say - Stars, 66 - The Afghan Whigs, On a High - Duncan Sheik, Better - Regina Spektor, Speeding Cars - Imogen Heap, Love You in the Fall - Paul Westerberg, Chicago - Sufjan Stevens, Not Myself - John Mayer, Gotta Have You - The Weepies, Shout Out Loud - Amos Lee, Girl in the War - Josh Ritter.

This has been an awkward week. I went running tonight to let it all out. Pilates just wasn't going to cut it. It was actually a really good experience.

I just remembered that in a week I'm going to Biloxi.

Life is crazy. I'm glad I had time to talk to my dad tonight. I'm glad I took the time to write this.

I swear I tried again. You're never visible on the weekdays when I need you to do what you can't afford to do.

Monday, September 18, 2006

i'm on a high (on a high)

We are the sea and the sky
and the blue that runs through it, yeah.

And there are some who say there are so many things I need
... so I run or I fight and I crawl or I scream and I bleed, I bleed, I bleed.

well, it's a lie it's a lie - don't you believe it.
if you're fine then you're fine - it's all how you see it.
oh, there never will be no conspiracy of happiness.

I'm on a high. I'm on a high.
And there's nothing more to it
I have the sun, it's a star, why should I refuse it?

and there are so many reasons I could give you why I should be down
there's not enough money or time and my love you're not around, around, around.

you're alive you're alive - how else could you hear me?
you are fine, you are fine - there's nothing worth fearing
'cause there never will be no conspiracy of happiness...

Sunday, September 17, 2006

love getting there as much as being there.

(Please, God, please. What happened to our dreams? We're losing hope so we invest in doubt to fill our vacant feelings.)

I woke up this morning and Wonderwall (Ryan Adams version) was playing on my computer. And I was bundled up under my comfy duvet with my cold pillows and my little lion. The sun filtered in through my half closed blinds. And I thought, "This is the life."

Then I looked over and saw all my textbooks. Its ok, I'm ready to take on marketing today. Yesterday I was taking (and making) every opportunity to procrastinate.

Suppose I said, I am on my best behavior. There are times I lose my worried mind.

The other day I met some girls who wanted chai with espresso. I told them how amazing that was and how amazing they were for appreciating that drink. They drink it in Asheville a lot - that's where they're from. We talked about how amazing Asheville is and about the wonderfulness of Old Europe Coffee Shop.

I can't wait to not be in school anymore and be able to work all week and take trips on the weekends and not have to worry about the marketing or accounting test I have in the upcoming week.

There is this pumpkin spice latte candle that I want at Target. I'm waiting. One, because it'll probably drop in price. Two, because I have to learn to wait on things that I want. I feel I've learned this on a somewhat larger level, but now I'm taking it down a notch.

Do yourself a favor and download the new iTunes (7). It's wonderful and free!

Suppose I said, colors change for no good reason. Words will go from poetry to prose.

I've been reading the journal book - Spilling Open - and it's inspiring. And scary. I could have written so many of those pages myself. I think I always just felt silly having those thoughts. Then someone published it! The girl who wrote it, Sabrina Ward Harrison, is thirty years old now. I kinda want to get some of her more recent books and see how I'm going to feel in the next nine years or so.

You know - I always look for inspiration in other people and things that are bigger than me. It's never occured to me to look for inspiration in myself.

I think I would like a digital camera. Maybe I'll buy myself one when I graduate next August.

Suppose I said, you're my saving grace.

My life makes me happy. And I really am - happy, that is. Sometimes I seem out of it or anxious, but I'm not. I'm just tired or distracted, but always very happy and very thankful. I hope I convey that.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

so tell me baby, can you shake it?

The weather today was spectacular. I got up and put on my Carolina sweatshirt and headed out in the briskness of the beginning of Fall. Oh. I love it. It's so perfect. Great things happen in the fall. I'm looking forward to this season.

Today, a man told me that I "looked like a vegetarian." Carole told me I had a nice nose and that being cute was my gift. And I found out that I have an admirer - I suppose that's what you would call him - someone who's eye I caught that I don't actually know.

Sometimes I feel like people give empty compliments, but today I think they were real. And they meant somethingto me, so that makes them important.

I've spent the last 24 hours in a whirlwind of emotion, but at the end of today I feel loved and appreciated. And I wish that everyone could feel this way.

Mmm. I'm finally listening to a cd that I got over spring break of my sophomore year. The Afghan Whigs - highly recommended.

I have lots of school stuff coming up. And some extra work hours. And I might start stopping by the Freshmen Girl's group to meet with them and maybe help out there.

In two weeks, I'll be in Mississippi. I remember when I couldn't even spell that.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

it's a luscious mix of words and tricks.

What is this mass confusion?

This crazy way we're living.
This emptiness we're passing out
like candycoatedwaterdrops.
I'm spilling out my thoughts.
You're spilling out your guts.

Today was long.
I don't know how else to describe it.
Good things. Bad things.

Special trips to Starbucks early in the morning.
A Stargirl gift on my front porch in honor of Fall!

And broken spirits.
It's always hard to admit, most days you feel like you don't exist. Oblivion is what you want, but you've been loved.

Broken bank accounts.
Seek first his kingdom and these things will be given to you. Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life.

Broken health.
Cancer research is the intense scientific effort to understand disease processes and discover possible therapies. Although understanding of cancer has greatly increased since the last decades of the 20th century, few radically new therapies have been discovered.


"All that's worth dying for is already dead." An empty religion you've learned to accept. When nothing means everything, your daily routine. You go through the motions like a helpless machine.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

maybe sometimes we feel afraid, but it's alright.

Three little birds sat on my window
And they told me I don't need to worry...

Blake Mitchell was arrested for assault. He punched a kid (I mean 19 year old bouncer) in the face out in 5 pts. No doubt it was after the guy harassed him about his less than stellar performance this past weekend. Or because he supposedly tried to bring in underage girls. Still. Now he's suspended indefinitely (from game action). I feel bad for him. Kind of amusing though. Spurrier said, "If he's not in jail he'll probably have his jersey on the sideline."

I did the super pilates tonight. Not as bad as last time. Thank goodness.

When it rains, it pours. It opens doors... Something something. It has been raining ALL DAY LONG. It's been all kinds of nasty and I was hoping to enjoy the 75 degree weather today. Boo. I did have coffee with Rachel though. That was quite lovely. Two hour caffeine happy hours seem to fly by with her.

Ok, this just in... Starbucks is going to have a new latte this season. The Maple Latte. With Maple drizzle. Canada already has it. Employees here already have it. I should've taken that interview. Darnit. What's the difference in a maple latte and a maple macchiato? Is it like a real macchiato? Why is it the same price? Is the drizzle like syrup? Tell me more. Tell me more.

Next week I have tests! Lots of them. Boo. Oh, I hate accounting. And business communications. And I think that's all for right now.

Did you know that Pluto is no longer a planet? They bumped it down. Now, what is my very educated mother going to serve us?

The man stuck it to us and Jammin Java is now ASCAP liscensed. How 'bout them apples?

Things my boss said today that made me go "hmmm"...
"You know, I think that to be a rockstar, you just have to sound constipated when you sing. And you can quote me on that."

"In a non-awkward, not gay kind of way, I've missed Matt Jones and his non-shoe wearing feet."

"No, I love the Oregano more. The water pressure is fickle."

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

sweet like candy to my soul

Matt is now in Phase III! Woot!
I can't wait to go to Biloxi - Ha, I never thought I'd say that.

I am now aware of the fact that the majority of my professors have set their ambitions a little high on their syllabi which throws off all planned studying and events in my life. I have no stability.

But I've accepted it. (Sort of.)

Ok. That's it. I can't remember. College is breaking my spirit. Every single day telling me things I don't know, it's making me feel stupid. (Marty, GG 5.09)

"You won't see Disney using dainty furniture. Why? Because of rugrats. You know, biscuit snatchers, curtain pullers." - Mr. Smoak

I have failed two quizzes this semester. The sad thing is that I read - just too far in advance to me to recall all of my vocabulary in 30 seconds.

I'm reading Enter the Worship Circle. It's my book of choice - finally. And I am determined to finish it. I keep stumbling across things that I've read at least six times before. Oy. Four years later and I will get to the end!

"We have a heart (it can be broken); we have a history (some of it not so good); we are often very demanding. We need a grand, legendary love just to deal with us. We are also convinced that it will take a miracle for someone to truly love us becuase we can scarcely love ourselves. When someone comes along and, after seeing all of us - the good, the bad, and the ugly - still offers unconditional love, we treasure them like no other!" - Ben Pasley, author of ETWC

Good stuff. And speaking of good stuff, it's almost time for pumpkin spice lattes. Fall, here I come!

Monday, September 11, 2006

here's to bacon sandwiches!

I do realize I don't eat bacon, but some people do. And they enjoy them. So, here's to them!

So, the homework itinerary really went bust, but I'm expecting a better week this week anyway. One with a little more time to breathe because I did alot of work in the past 7 days and now I won't have to play as much catch up.

If this plan doesn't work out, I think I'm going to quit school and harvest cranberries for a living. It just seems real cool.

Tonight I smoked my first hookah. Basically, it's a water pipe used for smoking tobacco - or I guess whatever you want, but, in my case, for smoking cappuccino flavored tobacco with mint extract in the base to create a nice "thin mint" flavor. It's nicer than smoking and better for you than smoking a cigarette and creates a whole new meaning for the term "social smoker" because you should really enjoy the people you're doing it with - it's a process.

Anyway. How 'bout that?

Today was a good day. I went to Strudel and realized that our states are in the shape of an elf (or chef, whatever, just give it some respeck!) and that I live in a sitcom. See you fools at Central Perk... Actually, we all just went to Barnes and Noble - which is where everyone goes on a Sunday evidently. Studying ensued. Boo.

Oh. Workshop tonight was good, too. It's so weird because I had just been wondering about how I connect with God. And if I do it enough. And how I can facilitate it more. And should I change that connection. So, questions were answered after a thirty minute lesson on cathedrals - but it did all tie in.

In the shadows of tall buildings, of fallen angels on the ceilings. Oily feathers in bronze and concrete; faded colors, pieces left incomplete...

This blog is all out of chronological order.

"I like you far too much for you to be a Fruit Loop girl. And you can quote me on that." -- Matt Jones

Saturday, September 09, 2006

it doesn't have to be perfect like a movie scene.

Tonight was an awesome end to a not so awesome week.

Matt Jones is wonderful and he takes care of me.
My Mannatech came in the mail today.
I skipped out on my homework itinerary...
for Hibachi Express and Wendy's french fries with Alison.
And then ice cream with Lou at the Slab.
(mmm. Cheesecake with blueberries and Oreos.)
And we watched a very good movie that left me wondering
but definitely not unsatisfied.

The weather today was wonderful. I can feel it. Fall, that is. It's coming. I'll give it until the end of the month.

Speaking of the end of the month, my Uncle is going to make some phone calls on my behalf. I talked to him for thirty minutes about the Air Force, class, boys and life after college. This never happens because there is usually to much other family stuff going on around everyone. It was nice to have a conversation with him.

I'm going to House of Prayer at 8am. If you need prayer, let me know. And not just tonight, I mean I'll pray for you anytime, but specifically at 8am.

Working tomorrow. 10am until 5pm. Doo dah. Doo dah. Then I'll do homework until I fall over. Oh the doo dah day.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

go ahead and lose yourself inside this opportunity

I have created a homework itinerary for myself. So far, so good. I'm determined to not get too behind this semester. There's not enough time to be behind.

Question. How come every time you come around my London London Bridge wanna go down?

But really. What does that mean?

New song to listen to - Work it Out, Jurassic 5 ft. Dave Matthews Band. Uh oh.

Don't stop stop your dreaming. Let yourself float upon the notion we can work it out. We gonna work it out, baby.

My first class was cancelled this morning, but I got up anyway and studied at Immac while listening to Yo-Yo Ma. Enjoyable. Then David joined for some studying. Then Fitzi came for coffee and conversation. I swear, everyday should start like that.

Now I'm just waiting for Business Comm to start. We have a quiz. Woot. And a group meeting tonight. Joy.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

cause i remind myself of somebody else

I'm restless.
But tired.
I can't help but think I'm forgetting to do something...
all of the time.

I'm waiting for fall with a playlist and some homework.
I oh so very much am enthralled by the new Thom Yorke album.

Class is alright. Work is better. Life is good.
I'm going to Biloxi! Mmmhmm. Excited.

I hate the new Facebook. And blogger won't upload my pics.

psalm 34.4
I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

Monday, September 04, 2006

leave me some words of wisdom

If you will go and not return, Leave me some words of wisdom. If I cannot follow where you go, I promise to teach what I have learned.

I finished Running with Scissors and am now considering 1984. Kt just finished it not too long ago and recommended it. Or Jarhead. Joe wants me to read that. I'm also reading six textbooks. And dabbling in Enter the Worship Circle and Blue Like Jazz - again. I want to read Searching for God Knows what, but it's out on loan.

Anyway. Back to the dabbling. I was reading some D.Miller words when I stumbled across some things I think are good for all of us to think about:

Your value has to come from God. And God wants you to receive His love and to love yourself too.

And so I have come to understand that strength, inner strength, comes from receiving love as much as it comes from giving it... And this is the prayer I pray for all my friends [to receive love] because it is the key to happiness. God's love will never change us if we don't accept it.

(Blue Like Jazz)

Saturday, September 02, 2006

every word you say i think i should write down...

I am very different from everyone else. I forget that sometimes. And sometimes it makes me nervous. And sometimes I remember, "It hasn't stopped anyone from lovin' me yet!" Or has it? Mmm. Does it really matter?

This morning I woke up at 7am panicked. I had this overwhelming anxiety in my head screaming that I was late for something or someone. I wasn't. It's Saturday and I didn't even have to work.

I got up anyway and went running because I checked and it said 65 degrees. And I'm not sure if I'm supposed to trust or if it even was 65 degrees outside, but I do know that it felt marvelous - the air that is, not the running after a month long sabatical from working out.

I cleaned my air filter this morning too. For some reason I feel that's worth mentioning.

I went shopping at Target, read about Thom Yorke and cursed the Post Office for not being able to give me the postage I wanted. Something about a machine something not working or something.

I went to HouseCoffee to study. I mean do homework. I mean drink coffee and read my book. And talk to Emily Franklin. She is a gem. And I don't say that about many people. We talked about summer and the Shack and the Kingdom of Heaven and work and boys and coffee. I should run into her more often.

I think I thoroughly convinced myself that this weekend, in fact, is just an extension of summer, so I don't have to own up to any academic responsibilities. It'll hit me at 6am on Tuesday morning. Until then, long live Labor Day!

I went to Wired Bean tonight with Alison and David. There was quite the music selection going on there. Courtney Jones was behind the counter this evening, and I have to say that girl makes one excellent grande nonfat half the syrup cookies and cream latte. I appreciate people with coffee skills. And now I have coffee to make this week. Whilst I was there I met the infamous Denton which made me happy and I read Running with Scissors which made me... disturbed. Huh. I'm not sure if I recommend this book to anyone and I'm not sure if I'll see the movie.

I googled the word coffee and this picture showed up.

Alright. I'm done typing about, but oh! Today was glorious. In the way only a day filled with coffee and friends could be.

... i don't want to forget come daylight. And no need to worry - that's wasting time. And no need to wonder what's been on my mind...

Friday, September 01, 2006

this is way beyond my remote concern

My hair is wavy. And long. I've got wavy, long hair. In the almost fall. I want it to be fall. So bad. Today's weather teased me to this longing. I had a hot soy latte from Adriana's today and listened to a whole bunch of music that screams fall. It's a strange obsession.

It's a luscious mix of words and tricks
That let us bet when you know we should fold.
On rocks I dreamt of where we'd stepped
And the whole mess of roads we're now on.

Right now, Matt is probably walking around in flip flops wondering just exactly he's going to spend his long weekend. Maybe on base. Maybe off base. It's up to him. And his flip flops. Happy.

This morning I didn't have to take a quiz or turn in homework. And I got two extra credit points for knowing how to calculate a person's BMI. So that's lucky.

I'm avoiding all sorts of school work tonight. I was flip flopping being on myspace, and reading Paste and Running with Scissors. Then David, Alison, Rachel and I went out to Lexington to eat at Riviera's because we decided we were tired of Columbia restaurants. Then Alison and I reminisced about the first time went there with Matt Jones - it was when I realized that Lexington was, in fact, it's own town and that I would probably never get Jones to jump into a body of water at night.

Anyway. Movie now. I think. We'll see. I'm tired. I probably won't make it. I can't wait until tomorrow.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

i woke up this morning (and the night had been so long)

Is that Mr. Brightside?
Why is my phone ringing?
Why is it light outside?
Why is it 7:45?
Why am I still in bed?

10-15 minutes later I stumbled out of the rain into my marketing class and there was David - amazed that I made it on time, holding my lime green travel mug filled with sweet coffee goodness. May God bless him all the days of his life.

It wasn't a particularly good day. There was a failed quiz. Another lecture on sexual harassment. No place to park in the lot again and I had to make the construction workers move their stuff. Things actually didn't start looking up until I went into Jammin Java. Work was good. I got my paycheck. That was good. Even better when I realized I had received an impromptu raise because the work I do is appreciated. I almost cried. I think we found a spare employee. If it works out, she'll be my favorite employee ever.

Talked to my Mom. She loves me so much and wants me to be happy with all the decisions that I make in my life - even if that means not moving to Charleston to run Wholly Cow. Which I am still going to - she just wants me to know that I don't have to if I change my mind.

Latenighter tomorrow. I dunno if I'm going. I really just wanted to get out and be in nature.

The new Zach Braff movie (The Last Kiss) has an amazing soundtrack. I don't even know what the movie is about, but I can tell you if it's anything like the music in it, then it will be excellent. Then again, take a look at Elizabethtown...

I'm tired and I need to study for my accounting quiz/homework thing. I feel like I have more to say. Eh. I'll think of it later.

I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it.
Collapse into me tired with joy.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

it's not anything that you think it is...

(... it's just amburgers and wootbeer.) Funny. If you get it.

I am very loved and cared about. I know this because of many responses I have had to my blog. But I would just like to go on the record as saying that I am very fine. Good. Great, even! Tired, but happy in the general sense of the word. I'm not fighting with anyone and, if anything, I feel very excellent about the way all of my relationships with people are going. "I don't hate anyone. It's too time consuming and I don't have time."

Ok, with that out of the way.

This is a picture of a gummi bear chandelier. How awesome is that?

Dulce de Leche Oreos are gross. I think. I ate three and decided that I didn't like them. I got them today when I grocery shopping for the first time in almost a month. Crazy. David Gray was playing in Publix. That made me happy.

I'll face the facts... It's paper on the cracks, until I got you right back here with me. The final war. A steel eyed dinosaur. I want you more than I can say.

I made my first order for Mannatech today. I'll keep you updated as this exploration continues.

I love. love. love. coffee mixed with hot chocolate. It's so good. You should try it. And Blue Frost Gatorade mixed with Airborne, too. Mostly because I feel like it makes me healthier. Everyday, I drink it. Also mostly because we have a large amount of blue gatorade still left from Bonnaroo.

My mom had a very bad day. Then she found out the boy she let borrow her car totaled it. Big prayers for her. BIG!

Okie. Homework. Bah.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

when you showed me myself i became someone else

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong... And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy. And being caught in between all you wish for and all you've seen. And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in.

May God's love be with you. Always. May God's love be with you.

I was dreading today. I'm glad that it's over. We crossed the lines we thought we might never cross. I'm glad we can move on to tomorrow. I just wonder if we'll ever stop sabotaging ourselves.

Monday, August 28, 2006

others have excuses. i have my reasons why.

I am an empty cereal bowl. No, that is not some crazy metaphor.

Things that are good: Matt Jones phased up! Yay! And I finally caved and bought the amazing issue of Paste. Tony plus Tupac equals Fish over Cat cubed. Pint Night at Flying Saucer minus Smirnoff Ice. There is a coupon for a free burrito at Moe's in the zip sheet. I hear there is latte art happening at the Wired Bean. I'm reading Running with Scissors. Shack Overnighter is this weekend. I'm listening to Nickel Creek. And if you visit the AT&T Blue Room you can see their performance at Bonnaroo and briefness of me and my friends. Fall is on it's way.

And it's time to sleep.

you've come too far to turn around now.

"Funny, I get to say hi to the decrepit old professor and you get to say hello to the cute boy walking past. Isn't that just the story of my life?"

And that's how Sam introduced herself to me on the street. It was completely random. I like random. I also like hearing about the bananas and soy milk people buy at the store. It's charming. I like charming and it usually comes in the small things.

I like to swing, too.

My brother lives in Columbia now. Weird.

I just finished my third day of classes. I've attended them all at least once. With the short amount of time already spent, I can tell you Dr. Nora Martin likes the Diet Dew, business comm is going to annoy the crap out of me with its details and busy work, Barney is so crazy that he turned the classroom backwards, but managed to keep my attention, accounting is part of the devil's plan, I like club management because of Tori, and purchasing will be my greatest joy, I think. I hope.

Drag your pretty head around, swearing you're gonna drown with a beautiful sigh... and a river of lies.

I'm gonna need lots of coffee this semester. And I'm gonna need to keep my immune system in excellent condition.

I hate to see a friend of mine laughing out loud when she's crying inside, but you've got your pride.

Are we always walking on eggshells?
Are we really honest with each other?

Just thinking.

It seems as though lots of conversations are having to be had these days. And I think there is lots of stuff that isn't being said. Silence says a lot. Words say more. Funny how fear holds us back.

I'm trying not to be scared. I'm trying to be positive. And I need to be proactive in all aspects of my life.

I want fall. I think it gives me a sense of peace and magic.

Staring down the stars. Jealous of the moon. You wish you could fly, but you're staying where you are. There's nothing you can do if you're too scared to try.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

i got two turntables (and some latte art)

Yesterday was beautiful!

Stephanie and Brandon finally celebrated one of the most important days of their life together and we all got to be a part of it. I cried. I don't think that I always understood what a wedding was - a promise between you, someone you love and God. I learn a little more about it each day and with each ceremony. It's lovely.

Plus, in a community/society/world where there is so much heartache and divorce, it's nice to have seen two people who love each other so much take so much time to cultivate their relationship into something that will last forever. Yeah yeah. Awww.

In other good wedding news... The music was smashing. I even got another wedding music gig for Michael and Ashley in December. Maybe I'll just drop out of my last year of college and do this full time...

Once I thought my innocence was gone. Now I know that happiness goes on. That's when you found me, when you put your arms around me. I haven't been there for the longest time.

I feel like I had a lot more to say about all of this yesterday, but now words seem to escape me. All in all, it was fantastic and special and right and all sorts of other adjectives. There are pictures on Facebook. Now I'm going to tend to my allergies and scholastic responsibilties.

Oh, I finished Stargirl. Two thumbs up in the Young Adult section. One of those books we all should have read in highschool. One of those stories that makes you want to go pick flowers barefoot and give them to everyone. I saw some of people I know in that girl. That made me happy.

Friday, August 25, 2006

we can twist and shout, do the turtle dove

i love you more than i have ever found a way to say to you.

i'm inundated with sappy music and all sorts of string compositions. it's kinda nice. kinda not. i have to say. i'm kind of impressed with the amount of music i acquired.

stephanie and brandon are getting married! crazy!

classes started yesterday. they continue today. and forever more.

i refuse to start school work and i keep reading stargirl.

i turned down a job interview at starbucks. pray for my patience. because then i almost got into a fight with my boss. anyone looking for just a weekend job??

okie. wanna keep up with airman jones? click.... here!

and not everything is gonna be the way you think it ought to be. (please say, honestly, you won't give up on me.)

Thursday, August 24, 2006

it's that time of year...

I wonder if my Organic Frosted Mini Wheats are really organic or a marketing ploy. Whatever. I love them.

This is going to be a terribly busy semester - starting with some terribly lousy weather. But tomorrow there is supposed to be "abundant sunshine."

Mmm. Something I read and liked "... when we think of them, we feel of a sudden that the earth is good and that it is not a burden to live."

Leave all our hopelessnesses aside. (If just for a little while.) Tears stop right here. I know we've all had a bumpy ride. (I’m secretly on your side.)

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

a hundred thousand words could not quite explain

Boo. This is what I get for taking things into my own hands.

"It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you're looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things." - Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz, pg. 217

I'm starting my senior year of college. Stephanie is getting married. I've developed very intense long hair cat allergies and Marty is going to live somewhere else. I'm trying to buy a new car. A new work schedule is starting. There is a lot to do. I'm ready to invest in it all. Or try to. I'll see what happens.

And we are leaving some things unsaid. And we are breathing deeper instead.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

the kind of clarity that only comes to me on sunday's shine.

Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me wanna buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address. (You've Got Mail)

I'm beginning to schedule. The thing is I'm trying to schedule an entire semester - all in one day. It's one of those overwhelming urges to have everything in it's right place, planned, right now. I don't always feel like this, but today I did.

I think it's because it's the beginning of the school year and I already fear falling behind in my 18 hours of school and 15 hours of work. Not to mention the hours of homework, the weekend working, Shack stuff, and keeping up with all my friends. But that's it. That's all I have time for. And don't even think about asking me to spend money. No more of that nonsense. I just realized that I didn't ask for enough from my Dad, so while rent is taken care of, I need to find money for all my bills. Darn.

Freshmen are here. Lots of them. I saw them this morning on my way to Strudel. With their families. Cute. Strudel was like coming home for Christmas after being away for a really long time. But it was different. And that's because life is different.

People are coming and going in my life. And I'm happy for them - especially those who are coming. It's taking adjusting especially now that the semester is starting because I have such a permanent memory of how it was and how I assume it's supposed to be, but I think you never miss the people you care about the most because they're the ones you never lose touch with. They're the ones you don't let go of... But I am ready for the newness of fall semester and its people. I hope I can remember their names.

Good news... I'm going to Biloxi in September. In, like, a month. Wow. That's not long at all. How exciting. I didn't even realize! Details have yet to be decided or confirmed, but I'm definitely going to be there. (Yay!)

I feel like the Shack has a renewed spirit. Not just the building, but the people, too. I know I do and I can see it all around me. This summer has been amazing and difficult for all of us. I think it has been a real growing time. I'm so excited to see what's going to happen this semester. Especially right in my own home as we all struggle to define and work on our own imperfections - not alone, but together. Hopefully, we can all be stepping stones and not stumbling blocks.

God is moving.

His kingdom is at hand now and in the yet to come. I see it when Liza sings. I know it when David seeks counsel. I believe it when Garrett speaks the Word. I trust it when I hear about difficult decisions being made. I feel it across a long distance. He's leading me. And you. And it's not just a hint or rumor. It's a real life fairy tale.

Oh yes. That makes me excited.

It's a big week coming up. We'll see how this keeps going.