Tuesday, July 31, 2007

pictures of you still make me smile

This is an awkward photo of Wally, my beta fish. He came from Tori and Craig's wedding. Last summer I got a fish and he died in two weeks. I love Wally. I hope he lives.

I like this picture. It is also a byproduct of Tori and Craig's wedding. This is my boyfriend, Matt. He's shy. Or crazy. The world may never know.

Monday, July 30, 2007

sometimes my mind is floating in another foreign galaxy

I had such a very good weekend.
I got my graduation announcements in the mail.
Does anybody need a job in Charleston?
I've got a lot on my brain. And I'm very tired.

"I think secretly I'm a homebody with domestic tendencies."

I know its hard when the going gets tough,
but i don't want to stop this.

you and i were a match made at a birthday party.

Monday, July 23, 2007

and you can put the blame on me

And I realize that everything I do is affecting the people around me.

I'm going to have dinner with my dad this week. I haven't gotten to talk to him about everything going on at the store recently. Maybe I'm trying to separate myself from it. He called to tell me he loved me and was proud of me the other day. I hope he still feels that way after tomorrow night. This will be an interesting meal.

My arm still looks like I do heroin. Or like I'm abused. Neither is true.

Iced soy coconut lattes are delicious. So are chocolate croissants - and they're "healthier" than the no sugar added banana cake that I love oh-so-much.

I have a tentative plan. But I've learned plans are unreliable, so we'll see.

I wrote a lot of my internship paper and neglected to do my bible study. Oy.

I understand that there’s some problems and I’m not too blind to know all the pain you kept inside you even though you might not show.

I like the new Akon song. Which surprises me. It's mostly sad. But honest. Maybe that's why I like it because I feel like people are liars or are unreliable - it's frustrating. Ugh.

If I can't apologize for being wrong, then it’s just a shame on me. I’d be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me.

Friday, July 20, 2007

but not today

"He could not say anything more. His words were choked by [tears]. I did not know what to say to him. I felt awkward and blundering... It is such a sercret place, the land of tears."

Someone describing my mom: "You're the proverbial flypaper for freaks."

Thursday, July 19, 2007

conscious of every move getting harder

I keep stalling out. I just can't keep up.

So, I've realized I'm not lonely. Nope. That's not it at all. I'm confused. I'm walking around in circles. I have no goal. For the first time in 22 years of life - I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. And it scares me.

I just have to give it time. I have to stop worrying about it. I have to give it over. It's not my plan. Owww.

And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require of you? He requires only that you fear the Lord your God, and live in a way that pleases him, and love him and serve him with all your heart and soul. (Deuteronomy 10:12)

There's alarming doubt. Am I good enough? But you keep coming around to convince me it's still far from over.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I started looking and the bubble burst

I've got to tell you what a state I'm in, I've got to tell you in my loudest tones, that I started looking for a warning sign.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. Yuck. I'm also buying new running shoes and accessories for the wedding. Better.

I signed paychecks today. That was big and important of me.

I go through cycles of loving and hating my job. Occasionally it happens within a 24 hour period.

Sometimes I feel really alone. I'm not. I'm always around people, actually. And I'm always busy - especially during the day. And then at night I'm tired. I just feel disconnected. Maybe. I don't know.

I talked to Alison, but she's in Atlanta. David and I chatted, but now he's out in the field. Matt is at work and I haven't talked to him in days. Kt is schooling and wedding-ing and we can't coordinate our schedules. Rachel is the only other person who works probably more than me and is also busy officially dating. Everyone else is going out of town. I am hanging out with my new friend Jill tomorrow night though. That should be nice.

I wish I knew what I was doing.

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
(1 Corinthians 10:31)

C.S. Lewis was a wise man:

"It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad."

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."

Yeah, the truth is, that I miss you so.

Monday, July 16, 2007

no one loves me the way you do

I often feel like I'm bad at my job. *sigh*

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19

Our cats had shots today and one keeps throwing up now. I feel really bad for him. It must be terrible to be so little and so sick and so unable to talk.

I finally finished the sermon disc set my mom gave me. It was good to hear.

When I go to bed, I open my blinds so I can wake up to the sunshine. I feel like its a good way to start my day - even if it wakes me up early. I think thats why I like staying at the Granola Hut so much. There is a little window at the end of the bed I sleep on and a giant window that no one can see into in the bathroom. It's refreshing.

So is this iced americano I am drinking. Refreshing. Like crack.

The Starbucks I go to Bible Study at has the no sugar added banana coffee cake that I love. It weighs in at a whopping 470 calories and 27 grams of fat - oh my! Eh. I like that I have a weekly excuse to visit my favorite competition. Though I really only love the one in Five Points.

I'm trying to refocus on Charleston. It's hard after being in Columbia and spending so much time with Matt. I miss both of those things when they're gone, but there is so much work to be done here and so many new things and people to discover. And I have a lot of things to read - my Barak book, do my Bible Study and I'm supposed to read For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men - supposedly it's amazing. Humm.

... and I pray that now at last by God's will the way may be opened for me to come to you. Romans 1:10

I did have such a wonderful weekend though. We even went to a cereal bar downtown called Cereality - it's like heaven.

'cause i will come for you when my days are through and i'll let your smile just off and carry me.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

all you need is all you want is

pick me up love from the bottom up onto the top love everyday pay no mind to taunts or advances i'm gonna take my chances everyday left to right, up and up and inside out right good love fight for everyday jump in the mud mud get my hands filthy love give it up love everyday.

"I like coffee and how my complicated order doesn’t phase the barista. I know what a quad shot is, and I’ve ordered one before. It tickles me that there are six various half-pound bags of coffee beans in the kitchen... And so maybe my perky personality comes from too much caffeine, but I’m okay with that. I am a progressive, laid back, creative, practical, granola-head, and I like it." - Sarah Wright

Thursday, July 05, 2007

i wonder sometimes about the outcome

... of a a still verdictless life.

Today started rough. Really rough. I sat on my floor and cried. cried. cried.

And I realized I really need to make some changes in my life.

And I wondered how and where I am going to end up. And with who and when.

And then I tried not to care. I can't. The future is too much. And it's not up to me. I have to let go and be determined for now. So I ran. ran. ran.

So what? So I've got a smile on. It's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

be more quiet now and wait for a voice to say...

This is where I went to church today.

our hope doesn't lie in other people.
not our political candidate.
not our pastor.
our hope should lie in the Lord.
not in our circumstances.

our circumstances should not dictate our happiness.

God will fulfill his purposes and plans.

Mark 9:24

And there’s nothing wrong with you. And nothing left to do, but believe something bigger.