Wednesday, December 31, 2008

'cause you're independent and you got my attention

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." -Neil Gaiman

... i just want to show you that i love what you're doing.

Monday, December 29, 2008

bought some wine and some paper cups

sometimes i hate being at the mall. and it gives me a headache to work so much. other times, i really enjoy being with the people there. and they make me very happy.

... but I couldn't think of anywhere I would've rather been.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

and i'll stand here 'til the fall

"Imagine, a Being with a mind as great as God's, with feet like trees and a voice like rushing wind, telling you that you are His cherished creation. It's kind of exciting if you think about it. Earthly love... is temporal and slight so that it has to be given again and again in order for us to feel any sense of security; but God's love, God's voice and presence, would instill our souls with such affirmation we would need nothing more and would cause us to love other people so much we would be willing to die for them." - Searching for God Knows What

Saturday, December 27, 2008

you change your mind like a girl changes clothes

You don't really wanna stay, no. But you don't really wanna go. I should know that you're no good for me.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

so i'm told. so the story goes...

She was his girl, he was her boyfriend. Soon to be his wife, make him her husband. A surprise on the way, any day, any day. One healthy little giggling, dribbling baby boy.

But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord." (Luke 2:10-11, NIV)

The Wise Men came, three made their way to shower him with love while he lay in the hay. Shower him with love, love, love, love love, love, love, love was all around.

Father up above, Why in all this anger do you fill me up with love, love, love?

Sunday, December 21, 2008

we live in a beautiful world.

i'm going to start my christmas shopping today!!

i'm such a slacker. haha. oh my. this should be fun.

then i'm going to work work work. at bath and body.

i made $5100 in two hours yesterday. bangin'.

i have so many people i need to call back.
i just haven't had the time. i'm an awful friend.
i hope everyone can forgive it for right now.

oh, all that i know, there's nothing here to run from. 'cause here, everybody here's got somebody to lean on.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

and erring on the edge of safe

i like:

Tegan and Sara - The Con
Stars - Take me to the Riot

today was completely long. 7am-6pm.

then sarah and i ate chinese food and played wii.

i got two fortunes in one cookie:
In youth and beauty, wisdom is rare.
Answer just what your heart prompts you.

and now i'm going to bed.

i am exhausted.

Calm down, I'm calling back to say, I'm home now and coming around, coming around.

Friday, December 19, 2008

all i want for christmas...

a new fm transmitter for my ipod (in my car)
big bang theory on dvd
itunes gift card
a lovely new handbag
a vacation

that's all i can think of.

also, i don't think i'm going to get around to sending christmas cards this year. my apologies. i hope you love me all the same.

these little black sandals are walking me away

sometimes i think boys aren't worth the time.
then they tell you something ridiculously sweet.


i know better.

a blog that i read - searching for the yeti: When we were having girls night the other night, this was the phrase that came out: “I think she is one of the most intelligent yet least wise women I know.”

i went to work at 8am. i got home thirty minutes ago.
i left for 2 1/2 hours for salsa bar!
i have to be back at 7am. i can't decide if i should nap or not.


sometimes i'm tempted. sometimes i am.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

you're not my problem

i think i'm gonna read now while i listen to this cd.

can’t you see that I am losing my marbles? it’s marvelous.

there's more to the picture than meets the eye

i do not have the christmas spirit.
i did have four cups of candy cane coffee today.

it's just weird because it's so warm outside.
i'm not unhappy. or cranky. just a little tired.
but the spirit isn't there. strange.

bad things happen to good people.
i'm charging it all to oh eight.

so soon it will be oh nine. who's excited?

hey hey. my my. rock and roll can never die.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

i'm just a girl you lost to cocaine

this is exactly how i feel...

LORELAI: You know, there are very few times in my life when I find myself sitting around thinking, "I wish I was married," but today, I mean -- I'm happy. You know? I like my life. I like my friends. I like my stuff. My time, my space, my TV.
LUKE: Yeah, sure.
LORELAI: But every now and then, just for a moment, I wish I had a partner, someone to pick up the slack. Someone to wait for the cable guy, make me coffee in the morning, meet the stupid sink before it gets sent back to Canada.

LORELAI: I can't sleep. I can't turn my mind off. It keeps running and thinking and making lists.
LUKE: Maybe if you drank a little less coffee, you'd make a little less lists.
LORELAI: Oh, I can't stop drinking the coffee. If I stop drinking coffee, I stop doing the standing and the walking and the words putting-into-sentence doing.

No, I just don’t wanna, so I’m walking away. There is nothing that you can do. I will not stay. No, I don’t need drama, so I’m walking away. Yeah, I am a girl with a lot on her plate.

Monday, December 15, 2008

hello again. it's been too long.

Series 1-2009

Tue / Apr 14 / Madison Square Garden / New York, NY with The Roots
Wed / Apr 15 / IZOD Center / East Rutherford, NJ with The Roots
Fri / Apr 17 / John Paul Jones Arena / Charlottesville, VA with Old Crow Medicine Show
Sat / Apr 18 / John Paul Jones Arena / Charlottesville, VA with Old Crow Medicine Show
Mon / Apr 20 / Verizon Wireless Music Center Birmingham / Pelham, AL with Old Crow Medicine Show
Wed / Apr 22 / TWC Music Pavilion / Raleigh, NC with The Avett Brothers
Fri / Apr 24 / Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre / Charlotte, NC with The Avett Brothers
Sat / Apr 25 / Vanderbilt Stadium / Nashville, TN Special Show, support to be announced soon!
Tue / Apr 28 / Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre at Encore Park / Alpharetta, GA with The Avett Brothers
Wed / Apr 29 / Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre at Encore Park / Alpharetta, GA with The Avett Brothers
Fri / May 1 / Cynthia L. Woods Mitchell Pavilion / The Woodlands, TX with The Avett Brothers
Sat / May 2 / Center / Dallas, TX with The Avett Brothers
Tue / May 5 / Journal Pavilion / Albuquerque, NM with The Avett Brothers
Wed / May 6 / Cricket Wireless Pavilion / Phoenix, AZ with The Avett Brothers
Fri / May 8 / MGM Grand Garden Arena / Las Vegas, NV with Jason Mraz
Sat / May 9 / MGM Grand Garden Arena / Las Vegas, NV with Jason Mraz

Friday, December 12, 2008

i saw sparks

holiday time at the mall blows.
crazy hours. crazy customers. i miss my friends.

i still had a good day though.
i ended it with a smile still on my face.

tomorrow i'm going to the festival of lights!

now, i'm going to bed.

i promise you this. i'll always look out for you.

that's what i'll do.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

here in the heartland...

a feeling so startling.

hot mess:
1. a person that looks just pitiful
2. a person who looks as if they've been to hell and back

that's me.

i don't know what i should do.

warning: kissing can be dangerous. (repost)

oh my.

i read a lot of blogs.

vampire weekend - bryn

you know, it's easy to see.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

when i was young i didn't think about it

how the hell do you use twitter?

i just discovered dave matthews' twitter.

"hello there. I suppose I might be a bit of a truffle and champagne socialist. But I'll rob myself and by everyone a sandwich."

it's like crack to me.

speaking of crack, i should have had more coffee today.

"More coffee and more coffee and shake me more like a monkey."

boys. dating. relationships. all strange things.

bartender, please.

the end.

now i just want to run and hide.

Monday, December 08, 2008

tonight you're falling in love

this feeling's tearing me up. here we go now.

today was weird.

it's been like a giant dance party at bath and body works.

rihanna. metro station. miley cyrus. tegan and sara. alanis morisette. cher. celine dion. lily allen. natasha bedingfield.

i'm not even lying.

i bounce and dance a lot while i'm there.

i saw you dancing and i couldn't get you off my mind.

shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it.

baby, just ask me

Got stains on my t-shirt and I'm the biggest flirt. Right now I'm solo, but that will be changing eventually. Oh, got bruises on my heart and sometimes I get dark.

If you want my auto, want my autobiography. Baby, just ask me.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

something is bound to turn out right

Owen Beverly and Band at the Music Farm.
courtesy of kaitlyn iserman and her iphone.

in the shadows of tall buildings...

Jay Clifford at the Music Farm.
courtesy of kaitlyn iserman and her iphone.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

come on skinny love

I told you to be patient.
I told you to be fine.
I told you to be balanced.
I told you to be kind.
Now all your love is wasted?

I tell my love to wreck it all,
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall.
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall.

-- Bon Iver

This is my first Bon Iver song. I really like it. The music is really passionate. So are the words. It's full of hurt, but I'm pretty sure we've all felt this way at some point in a relationship.

Just saying.

Jay Clifford at the Music Farm tonight! See you there!

Thursday, December 04, 2008

i'm not scared but i'd like some extra spare time

oddly enough, i plan on spending my friday night at home. huzzah!

i'm sorta flaky right now because of work and fatigue, but i have good friends who understand and that i still get to hang out with. i love 'em.

i got a forty-five dollar parking ticket. damn loading zone.

and i put my contacts in the wrong eyes this morning. they stayed that way for several hours.

just say yes to... hetero lifemate time. margaritas. salsa bar. mulled wine. mellow mushroom. graffiti. friends. espresso. blood orange juice. dave matthews band. believe boxes. heated mattress pads. to do lists. twirling. prayer.

i think that's all.

oh! and listen to rilo kiley.

they say california is a recipe for a black hole. and i say i've got my best shoes on, i'm ready to go.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

the simple truth is the best i guess

I have a lot of thoughts today. Some cannot even begin to be formed into actual sentences... Does that even make sense? I'm not sure it does.

I realized, the truth is that it's very easy to stop loving someone who has stopped loving you. (sidenote: I think that makes me even more amazed by God's inability to stop loving humans who constantly fail and ignore him...)

But I guess that (the ease of being able to stop loving someone) is only if you know what real love is... but it's all relative to how you view the world and truth. What do you base your life upon? Is your foundation solid or crumbly?

I'm glad I had something to land on...

I don't feel like any piece of me is missing anymore. I feel like more of me is showing. I am more myself now than I have been in the last year and a half.

So that's good.

Also, I feel so deeply for those people around me who are struggling. I cannot fix any of their problems. I can simply pray. And believe. That's frustrating. I'm a this is what's wrong and this is what we do to fix it sort of girl. Unfortunately, most of life's issues do not work in such a fashion.

In other news... I was proposed to today. This is not the first time this has happened this week.

First come (with platinum) first served.

I kid.

"You know me I’ve always been the kind with easy confidence. Confident enough to honestly believe that nothing out there is stopping me. Especially not someone who’s not loving me. Now, listen here, I told you I could live on without loving you. I was bluffing then, but it seems that just might have been the truth." - The Avett Brothers

I feel like this post is wishy washy. My apologies.

twenty three and so tired of life

(I want to work today like I want a hole in my head.)

Such a shame to throw it all away.
The images grow darker still...
Could I have been anyone other than me?

And then I,

I look up at the sky.
My mouth is open wide, lick and taste
What's the use in worrying?
What's the use in hurrying?
Turn. Turn. We almost become dizzy.

Monday, December 01, 2008

somtimes i feel like i am falling

things to do (when i have money again):

buy a bottle of firefly sweet tea vodka
find a new journal
try an espresso truffle from starbucks
have my eyebrows waxed
use my spa packages (i need tip money)
raid the used cds at monster music

things to do (when i have time again):

walk the bridge
read a book or quit a book and start another

oh, life it seems a struggle between what we think, what we see. i'm not going to change my ways just please you or appease you.

one sweet world around the sun is spinning

i posted this last year when i finished hypocrite in a pouffy white dress and i think its important to post again now that a lot of us find ourselves in different places or, at the very least, different mindsets...

"My friends and I had reached the age when we had the great, good fortune to be living out some of the dreams we'd had when we were young. Now, we were discovering the truly hard part: the realities.

Having a new baby made you psychotic with exhaustion and self-doubt. Professional success could make you delirious with insomnia and anxiety. Living abroad rendered you lonely and infantilized. And no matter what road you took, you still had to brush your teeth every morning, pay your bills, do your damn laundry, worry about taxes, check your breasts for cancer, argue with your loved ones about whether to defrost the refrigerator. Nobody, after all, it seemed, was exempt from banality.

... This was it. I was doing something I'd dreamed of. I was living in the middle of the world, and all of us were in it together, each one of us extraordinary and yet, really, no different from each other. I flung my arms back and for a minute, it felt like I could levitate. Then I laughed, loudly, like an American. Like a defiant bride. Like a seven-year-old girl with a rhinestone earring clipped to her nose. I had absolutely no idea what would happen next. But then, I suppose, no one ever does."

-- Susan Gilman, Hypocrite in a Pouffy White Dress

i very much enjoy my life right now. even in the midst of having no clue what the hell i am doing or where i am going. and i realize it doesn't matter.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

i'll take my scars and move along

You would have kept those words on your tongue,
If you had known the hurt they had done.
While your fists stay by, right by your side,
Your words they bruise me deep inside.

I'd rather have sticks and stones and broken bones
than the words you say to me,
Cause i know that bruises heal and cuts will seal
but your words beat the life from me.

Sometimes your words are thick as lead,
You swing them strong upside my head.
But what hasn't killed has made me strong,
So i'll take my scars and move along.

I'd rather have sticks and stones and broken bones
than the words you say to me,
Cause i know that bruises heal and cuts will seal
but your words beat the life from me.

Goodbye is the best way that I know,
To forgive and still be letting go. -- Dave Barnes

i'm a survivor

the past couple of days have been ridiculous.

but i made it.

i’d like to thank dave and tim (live at radio city music hall), diet coke, my employees and coworkers, my mom, and ambien.

i couldn’t have done it without you

Thursday, November 27, 2008

sitting, smoking, feeling high

Let's go drive 'til morning comes, watch the sunrise and fill our souls up andd drink some wine 'till we get drunk.

i love that there is a gilmore girl's episode for everything occasion.

(i hope you didn't skip rolls. or at least you had them for the walk home.)

i'm thankful for dmb. and family. and friends.

and for God for fixing Quickbooks. because if you ask and believe then it's done.

i'm thankful for cheesey carbs and music trivia games.

i'm thankful for black chamomile and down comforters.

i'm thankful for three thanksgivings.

i'll be thankful for coffee when i wake up at 2am and work until 7pm.

also, i miss joe. and last thanksgiving. but i'm thankful for his safety.

And here I'm dancing on the ground. Am I right side up or upside down? And is this real, or am I dreaming?

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

every step you take, they remind you you're ghetto

Coldplay. Prospekt's March EP

Lost + (with Jay-Z).

Excellent. Hilarious.

He's not even really singing with them.

And the question is,

"Is to have had and lost better than not having at all?"

Because I'm... just waiting ‘til the shine wears off.

hammer strikes the metal and it makes me believe

"... what really matters is what you like, not what you are like. books, records, films -- these things matter! Call me shallow, it's the fucking truth." - High Fidelity

right now i'm listening to ryan adams. cold roses. i suggest you do the same.

i would like cardinology. please and thank you.

also, i want this book: this is your brain on music.

i'm listening to a book on cd. barack obama's change we can believe in. i'm still on disc one. this has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.

i never finish books. i read part of them and move on most of the time. decidedly, that doesn't bother me. it's like having a sampler appetizer. i want to have a little bit of everything before i decide what i'm going to have for real.

plus, when i read at the end of the day, my eyes get tired and i fall asleep.

i also really like: song we sang away by low vs. diamond.

this is random.

"There are things you cannot understand, and you must learn to live with this. Not only must you learn to live with this, you must learn to enjoy this." - blue like jazz

Now I'm not saying only bad news comes for the people who want it, but you gotta play that music for who's listening. You got to have someone you wanna sing it to.

Monday, November 24, 2008

someday i'd like to take a walk with you

book list:

The Shack
The Late Bloomer's Revolution
Deep Economy
Bright Shiny Morning
Enter the Worship Circle

no more until these.


we're reading this book in house church.

listen to the new ray lamontagne.

... maybe ride our bikes down by the seaside and watch the sun goin' down, goin' down, goin' down.

all those days are gone

i put a new hole in my ear.
and i think of everything as a that's what she said joke.

this past weekend was excellent.
this upcoming week will be nuts.

this is my life.

and i am tired.

but i am happy.


i'll trade the moon for the sun, but this feeling for no one.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

let it be me

... Asheville!

I'm so ready.

This is the last vacation of 2008.

Let's keep the beer cold, the hot tub hot and our fingers crossed.

See you after the weekend :)

If it's a friend you need, let it be me.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

i ain't got the time.

I ain't being funny, I ain't got the brakes.
I ain't got the aces, I ain't got the stakes.
If only.

This morning has sucked hard core and I only have myself to blame.

I was tired. Then annoyed. Then I full out unloaded which may or may not have been appropriate, but, nevertheless, that's how it went down. Then someone told me I was breaking out from stress. Thaaaanks. Keep it to yourself, man! Plus, I had to do Black Friday Schedule and my Sysco order. And I received 105 boxes in shipment this morning.

I have to go back to work in a few hours, but I feel certain I'll be more stable by then.

I'll also probably put on some makeup.


I ain't got the nerve.
I ain't got the makings of the man you deserve.
I ain't got the time.
If only

PS. I don't know why you bring up a problem... - this is completely true (i think), somewhat amusing and, if nothing else, it's something to think about. Read.

I ain't got the bullshit and I ain't got the lies.
I ain't got the memories of tears in your eyes.
If only.

Friday, November 14, 2008

... is the rain ever gonna stop?

I am happy despite all the reasons I shouldn't be.

make a run in a midnight rain. maybe take a shot. maybe numb the pain. maybe i forgot who stands to gain. making the most of a lie called a daydream.

Maybe I'm not operating in the real world, but I feel like things are where they're supposed to be and, within the year, big things will change. This is not a point where I am stuck. This is a point where I am growing. I need roots before I can be transplanted.

This is just the beginning.

i can't recall half of what's been said. running through my mind like a ball of lead. half truths from the ones half dead. making the most of a lie called a daydream.

And, oddly enough, the past reminds us of this. I've been here before. I've felt this before. I do it the same. I deal with it differently. Life spins out of control. And then you remember...

This is just the beginning.


it's just a different point of view. somehow we can make it true. deep inside a clouded mind, i see it shine like an invisible sun.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

it's not about geography or happenstance

You need to fly and take a chance. You don't need to soar to emptiness or float on high and forever dance alone.

The ugly reality about going to work at 7am is that you have to get your tired ass out of bed and be at work at 7am.

However, there is also the beautiful truth to being at work at 7am. First, traffic is practically non-existent which means you don't have to leave quite so early to get to your destination. Second, if you're an eager beaver (which hardly ever applies to me) then you get the freshest bagels and the first pot of coffee. Also, you're normally done with work by three in the afternoon which gives you ample time to still enjoy daylight and the company of others.

The pros clearly outweigh the cons.

Yet, I continue to loathe working at 7am, but that may have something to do with the 115 boxes of shipment I had to move by myself this morning.

It was nice though to be done with work early in the day and to be able to go home and do my accounting stuff for the store and not get stuck in 5 o'clock traffic.

I took the rest of my afternoon by foot (since I'm living downtown at the moment). I went down to Fifty-Two Five and bought the new Rachael Yamagata cd which I'm currently enjoying. She does a duet with Ray Lamontange - it's lovely. And I went to Lesene to pick up a card to send to Morocco. Of course, Caviar and Bananas was included in the mix. I ordered some mediterranean tuna salad and roasted beet/goat cheese salad. And a diet coke. Just a plain diet coke.

The problem with the plain diet coke is that it's not what I wanted. I want diet cherry coke, but I can't freaking find it anywhere. I don't want a ton. I just want a 20oz bottle, but evidently that's just too much to ask.

I don't ever drink soda either, so this is a really big deal for me.

And now I'm back at the house waiting for friends. I think this might be the way life was intended to be lived. With diet coke and good music and good friends.

Of course, life is not so simple. And cars get broken and people get laid off. And it's hard, but we get through it. Maybe it's easier because I believe in something bigger - a greater cause. Or maybe it's more difficult because I do and I'm put under attack so (so) often.

I'm not sure. But "just because I'm losing doesn't mean I'm lost." Sounds silly, but it's true.

I'm not gonna live for you or die for you. I won't do anything anymore for you.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

just because i'm hurting doesn't mean i'm hurt

ok, so this is how it all went down.

we left charleston yesterday morning at 8:15am. we arrived in columbia for coffee about 9:45am. this is when jax discovered her dollars were missing and there were major issues with her bf's car.

we keep on with driving stopping a few times along the way, but we make it to ikea around 2pm. that's cool. we shop and shop for about two hours. i had a fro yo and bought a lamp. that all went ok, i suppose.

so then we go to octane coffee where i proceed to take my low to the ground car too far forward in the parking space and the curb thing rips off my bumper. we thought we fixed it and bought coffee and went along our merry little ways.

then we get to trader joe's where we spend a long time grocery shopping. that's all i'll say. and then we take food we've collected and have a little evening picnic in piedmont park. then somehow we end up with dog poo all over the inside of my car. it was awful! and some of it is still there, unfortunately.

then we get very much turned around trying to find philips arena, but we finally make it and then i drop my cell phone behind the sound stage and lovely little british fellow had to retrieve it for me.

so then coldplay comes on and it's spectacular (of course) and they played lovers in japan and i hopped i was so excited. and they planned green eyes. and, well, here is the set list:

Life In Technicolor
Violet Hill
In My Place
Speed Of Sound
Cemeteries Of London
Chinese Sleep Chant
Fix You
Strawberry Swing
God Put A Smile Upon Your Face (techno version)
Talk (techno remix)
Green Eyes
Postcards From Far Away (piano instrumental)
Viva La Vida
The Scientist (acoustic)
Death Will Never Conquer (acoustic - Will singing)
Viva La Vida (remix interlude) - ps. this was fantastic!


Lovers In Japan
Death And All His Friends

Encore 2

The Escapist (outro)

anyway, so then we leave and have zero gas and finally hit up a gas station and my piece of shit car has it's bumper hanging off of it. awwwwesome. so some people duct taped it for me. yes DUCT TAPE. i didn't misspell that.

and so on and so forth. we got home at 4:30 am. i was at work at 6:50 am.

you do the math.

how about that? huh? yeah.

and now i'm on a break inbetween jobs.

i am very much in love with chris martin though and his ability to make the whole world stop and exist purely in a moment. i think he could save humanity if we let him.

no one ever said it would be so hard

lots of things to say about the coldplay concert, but this picture is worth a thousand words, so here you go and more to come...

Sunday, November 09, 2008

i wanna give my soul

Perhaps we all just need a reminder that it's not about us. And it's not even about political parties. We're so wrapped up that we've forgotten who gave us this great democracy in the first place.

I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone - for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth. - 1 Timothy 2:1-4

Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to malign no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men... avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and arguments and quarrels about the law, because these are unprofitable and useless. - Titus 3:1-2,9

Somethings gotta break. You gotta swing the bat. Too many years have died. Why is that?

Saturday, November 08, 2008

breathe in the future, breathe out the past

I opened at BBW for the first time by myself today. Smoooooth like butter. But they couldn't have chosen an easier day for me to do it. Unfortunately, I frittered away my entire day in the mall. It wasn't a bad day - I just missed most of the daylight.

On the record - I'm blessed by both my jobs - what I do and who I do it with.

I'm living downtown right now with the dogs while Laurie and Rob are in Spain, Italy and Greece. I haven't had much time to really enjoy it, but I think next week might be different. I hope.

NEXT WEEK IS COLDPLAY! Yay! Yay for Coldplay and Ikea and Trader Joe's and Octane Coffee! Yay!

I'm listening to this band called Fink. I like 'em.

Have you ever considered what an amazing thing healing is? I've had lots of intense and awesome conversations this week and I just love how my life is and how it is interwined with others' lives. I love being a part of something bigger than myself... even when it proves to be difficult or discouraging.

And, decidedly, it is much better for me to be shocked and discouraged by humanity than to accept this behavior as the status quo.

So much to look forward to...

Anyway, I'm going to change and defunk before I head out for a drink or two.

I can't wait to have my own house one day. Except for the bills - that part I could put off forever.

Savor this moment as long as it lasts. Let me tell you. Put it back together piece by piece. Make it good.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

i hope you stay american baby

If these walls came crumbling down and fell so hard to make us lose our faith, from what’s left you’d figure it out. Still make lemonade taste like a sunny day.

I, I hold, hold on to you. You bring me hope I’ll see you soon. And if I don’t see you, oh, I’m afraid we’ve lost the way.

rock the vote

good morning! this is from simply breakfast.
and it is my way of reminding you to vote!
still deciding? go to:

Monday, November 03, 2008

if i were a boy, even just for one day

If I were a boy, I think I could understand how it feels to love a girl; I swear I’d be a better man. I’d listen to her, cause I know how it hurts when you lose the one you wanted 'cause he’s taken you for granted, and everything you had got destroyed...

I saw this on Bjo's blog, so I listened to it and now I kinda like it.

I think I (not so) secretly love pop music. oyyyy.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

i'm trying to figure out what else to say

A thought: Somedays... via Truebeliever.

Yesterday was long. At both jobs. But they both went by surprisingly quickly. That sounds backwards.

I'm going to open a coffee shop where we sell just coffee - none of that frilly crap. Just Coffee. And that's what I'm going to call it... "Just Coffee". And we'll make tshirts that have our logo/name on the front and on the back it will "It's not rocket science."

I just don't understand why it is so difficult sometimes. Seriously, people. It's just milk and espresso and sugar. It's not going to end your world if you don't like it and I will ALWAYS make you something different if you don't like it.

Also, I've begun to view children and large familes as conversion killers while I'm at work. I'm only hostile about it in my head though. Oyyy.

At this rate, I probably won't have any children.

Did I even tell you all I was promoted at Bath and Body Works? Probably not, but I was and I'm glad and it should make for a terribly interesting (busy) holiday season.

9 days until Coldplay! 19 days until Asheville! 25 days until Black Friday!

Today (is my one day off!): church, indian buffet, nap, exercise tv, (different) church (i think).

for breakfast: 1/2 c oats, tbsp craisins, tbsp sunflower seeds, tbsp almond slivers, 1 c skim milk (i used soy, but its a little powerful if you don't like soy). mix together in an airtight container and refrigerate overnight. mmm.

You turned me out and now I can't turn back.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

irony is hating love

a friend bought me the new p!nk cd today and dropped it off while i was working. i like it a lot because it's real. and catchy, of course. but this song is what i'm holding onto at the moment.

Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
and a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace, and
I’m learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.

(P!nk. Crystal Ball.)

i'm on the verge. i'm on the verge.

I come undone, oh yes, I do. Just think of all the thoughts wasted on you.

I think I too often judge my days by what I accomplish or how much I get done. I make a list and the day is not complete unless I cross off at least half of the things I have "to do". Why is that? When did I become so wrapped up in what I can do instead of just enjoying what I've done?

Today, I worked a lot and went to a small group, but I'd like to think of my victories as the yoga I did this morning, the moments I shared with friends and the cup of tea I'm drinking right now - ginseng peppermint for those of you who are interested. All thirteen hours of my day spent away from home and that is what it boils down to for me.

I would like to be one of those people who lives simply.

I would like to be one of those people who finds joy in the mundane as much as in the excitement. I would like to be one those people who recognizes God in everyday things rather than just in the big things. I would like to be one of those people who is more in tune with themselves - my body, my spirit, my mind. I would like to be one of those people who lives for others in the midst of living myself. I would like to be one of those people who doesn't see everything I do as a task or a chore. I would like to be one those people who doesn't make every new encounter into something awkward.

I would like to be one of those people who lives simply.

Does that make sense at all?

I don't know what I ramble on about half the time. And I suppose that's okay. But now I'm going to sleep in my warm little, heated mattress pad bed. Praise for the little things.

Also, this picture is from simply breakfast. It makes me think of fall. And it makes me want to drink chai every morning and eat nuts and yogurt and oatmeal for every meal.

I am aware I've been misled. I disconnect my heart, my head. Don't wanna recognize when things go bad, the things that you'll accept. Except that I am... I'm finding the words.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

be patient. i am getting to the point.

"i beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..."

as i search for the resolution

there's a lot that i don't know. there's a lot that i'm still learning. but i think i'm letting go. find my body. it's still burning.

i feel like i've done a lot of flopping around the past three months.

i have a plan now. short term.

and if that works out, then i have a (temporary) long term goal.

also, i just want to be friends. with everyone.

and the bars are finally closed, so i try living in the moment.

new jack's mannequin cd is out. spinning and the resolution are my favorite tracks. everything in transit is a much better album though. much better. much.

and you hold me down. yeah, you hold me down.

i'm alive and i don't need a witness to know that i survived.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

c'mon, just snap, snap, snap your fingers for me

good good day.

i played hooky from both jobs.

i went to the dealer. i had starbucks with kt. and bread and cheese for breakfast. good conversation. picked up my race packet. went to the outlets. bangs trimmed. walked the bridge (it takes one hour and ten minutes). got sushi and other stuff at whole foods. received six free tickets to see chris thile and edgar meyer. ate sushi. saw wall sized hanson poster from their mmmbop days. went to the show with friends. heard a song about a spider monkey who was hungry so he ate some goat cheese and slipped into a goat cheese coma until he had some coffee and then he fell in love. ate ice cream from cold stone with blueberries and oreos. came home and put some laundry in the washer. typed a blog in all lowercase letters.

the end.

tomorrow i race for the cure!

good, good, now we're making some progress. come on just tap, tap, tap your toes to the beat.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

it doesn't hurt me

You wanna feel how it feels? You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me? You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?

Someone told me I don't smile anymore.

That's not true.

I smile now when I really want to... when something really makes me happy or amuses me. Why? Because I spent a lot of time smiling because I thought I was supposed to - that no matter how I felt, I was supposed to put it aside and smile and make it work.

So, I don't smile as much. That's fine. But know that when I do, it's because I want to and not because I felt like you made me.

You and me won't be unhappy. And if I only could make a deal with God and get him to swap our places. Be running up that road. Be running up that hill. With no problems...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

then making a wish he tossed in the sea

I just wanted to say hi.

I've been really busy... with work. with friends. with other work. with trying to sleep. with finishing The OC. and with laundry - I feel like that is a never ending battle for me. oy.

I have a lot to look forward to and prepare for in the next couple of months, so it should be interesting. and exciting. and stressful - because that never seems to go away.

I read a Real Simple magazine the other day because I realized that I always bought them and never read them and that defeated the purpose of simplifying my life because all that happened was that I collected a giant pile of unread magazines in my room.

So it inspired me to throw out all my old makeup and get some new (less amounts) of the things that I needed. I like it. It is, in fact, simpler. I'm glad the magazine lives up to it's name.

Also, there are a thousand little lambies at Bath and Body Works - free with a $15 purchase. Adorable, yes? Yes. Kt and I bought big ones, so I finally have a new stuffed animal. It's perfect. It's name is Kirk - go figure.

Oh. And I'm addicted to ringtones right now. It's an expensive little habit I've picked up. Ack.

Alright, well, it looks like I'm going to be late for work - as I haven't even showered yet. Awesome.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

live through this and you won't look back

peace... it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

I am so much and have so much to look forward to... I'm starting to take baby steps toward the person I want to be. It's a lot harder than I thought, but I'm doing alright, I think.

and he said to me... "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me."

There's one thing I have to say so I'll be brave. You were what I wanted. I gave what I gave. I'm not sorry I met you. I'm not sorry it's over. I'm not sorry there's nothing to save.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

this could take all year

It would have been 2 years. And now it has been 2 months.

... but i feel alright so please don't get me rescued.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

i get my ends and my beginnings mixed up too

I read this in The Shack's newsletter:

"Expectations are funny things. It is our natural tendency to enter uncharted waters trying to anticipate what will await. And if I have learned anything in the last few months it is that I can't will something into existence by anticipation. I often miss out on what is real and in front of me because of the immense amount of control I have attempted to "claim" over the situation. Ha. More and more so I am seeing, being convinced and finding rest in that "all things God works for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose. - Romans 8:28" - Becky Freed

I like it.

I'm not in a bad place... just a weird place. I'm in a place where I need to decide what is important to me. It's not enough to believe something - I must be convicted of it. Evidently I have preferences, but lack conviction... I must follow through on thoughts and do something rather than allowing ideas to become stagnant because I'm preoccupied with busyness.

"Guard against the tyranny of the urgent. The most important things will seldom scream for your attention, they will simply wait for you to discover them. Things like prayer, Scripture study, cultivating friendships, thinking, enjoying art. The loud and demanding are rarely as important as these." - Charles Swindoll

We have begun to change into the worst kind of people. So unkind. Oh apologies, no apologies, this apology doesn't describe the way it feels to feel for you.

Friday, September 26, 2008

you weren't there. you let me fall...

P!NK - So What

So, so what? I'm still a rockstar. I got my rock moves and I don't need you. And guess what? I'm havin' more fun. And now that we're done, I'm gonna show you. Tonight. I'm alright. I'm just fine. And you're a tool.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

bad news never had good timing

I'm still here and I'm doing well.

I'm working and refocusing. And some things are still fuzzy. But I'm really excited about some stuff. And I think that I might be headed in the right direction.

Thank you for your patience. Really.

No, it won't always go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

which drink did my memory drown in?

so, if we're all guilty, then what's the point in pointing fingers, anyway? i'm no better, i'm just bitter, and i never got to say how it hit me when you told me...

i've got to face this now; i've got to take these walls down.

and it's dead. let it rest.
let's not let us go on about a future that's passed away.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

line up. line up. you're going.

Yesterday sucked. I actually cried. I haven't cried over much recently. It's like I was tapped out. But I was really tired. I worked until 2am, then came back to open the store and then again to close at BBW. I found out my car will cost two thousand dollars to finish fixing. I discovered some people really are just assholes. And Joe left yesterday. It was all very overwhelming.

But I have good friends and supportive family. And I ended my night on the porch and it was good. So, I don't have to worry. I don't get to be irresponsible, but I don't have to worry. (Worry about nothing. Pray about everything.) It's going to be ok.

The money is clean 'cause we scrub it good. With guns and gasoline we're gonna save the world. Nothing's obscene if we only close our eyes. Boys and girls, welcome to this joyride.

Monday, September 15, 2008

what a mess i make of my days

I feel like I'm being crushed and it's taking every ounce of me not to have a nervous breakdown.

Actually, that's not true. Every ounce of me has crumbled. The only thing keeping me from collapsing is God - which is crazy since I haven't been very attentive to him recently.

I don't feel strong at all. Everything here is wrong and it's not what you think.

His grace is sufficient. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. He is the love - the love that moves the sun and the stars and my heart.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

give me a reason to end this discussion

I used to rely on self-medication. I guess I still do that from time to time. But I'm getting better at fighting the future. Someday you'll be fine. Yes, I'll be just fine.

I guess we'll just wait and see what happens from here.

I'm living my life as best as I can... doing the best that I can with what I have. I hope that's enough. Sometimes it's frustrating, but I'm okay with taking this all slowly.

Tell me that you're alright. Yeah, everything is alright. Oh, please tell me that you're alright. That everything is alright.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

now everybody needs some time

my new digs. more.

And everybody knows.
The rest of it's fine.
And everybody knows.

The Dandy Warhols - We Used to be Friends.

good love is on the way

I've been lonely, but I know I'll be okay. Good love is on the way.

I shouldn't have had that double latte when I went from one job to the next today. However, I'm not completely sure that I would have made it through job two without it. Hmm. Oh well.

My laptop is broken. My car is broken. My Dave photo fell again. The mall was slow. I only made three dollars in tips. I don't get paid. I have zero dollars to do anything.

But I have really excellent friends and family. I love my jobs (for the most part). My coworkers and employees are amazing. I have a home and a comfy bed and delicious food and lots of caffeine.

Life always work out for the best even if you have to struggle to get there. He is faithful.

I'm doing things here.

Listen to: Antonia - Motion City Soundtrack.

My lover spoke and said to me, “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.” – Song of Solomon

Three years brokenhearted, but now her ghost is finally gone. Done with broken people. This is me I'm working on 'cause I know good love is on the way.

Monday, September 08, 2008

all the streetlights say nevermind

I don't think I'm gonna go to L.A. anymore. I don’t know what it's like to land and not race to your door. I don't think I'm gonna go to L.A. anymore.

I am organized chaos. Yes. I am.

Fall is coming. I felt it in the breeze today. I also saw it on my order sheet when I ordered pumpkin pie ice cream and pumpkin spice sauce. Yessss.

There are so many opportunities coming my way both professionally and personally. The work would have come to me anyway, but, I swear, being single has really opened my social network. Imagine that.

I'm not scared - just uncertain of what's around the next corner, but the good news is that it's not in my hands or in my timing. I just gotta do what I do and let God do what He does.

I finished reading Waiter Rant and there was this one part of the book that I really felt. And I wanted to share it with everyone because I don't think it's something we all need to experience (even though we all absolutely have at some point):

"The reason I've been fearful to utilize my talents is because I'm afraid of failure. I'm always waiting for disaster to strike, for the other shoe to drop. That's why I never opened that coffee shop. That's why my relationships have turned sour. It's why I'm still fearful my writing will amount to nothing. That's the real reason I haven't quit The Bistro. I'm afraid I'll fail if I try to do anything else." - The Waiter

Awful. And true. And difficult to overcome.

I went to Columbia over the weekend and realized that it is no longer my home (I'm not exactly sure where it is at moment). Sure, the city holds many memories, but I don't live there anymore. It's no longer the way we were - it is the way they are in a place that used to be ours, but now belongs to new people. And it is ok. I'm ready to let it go. (I think.)

On a more pleasant (not that the last subject wasn't pleasant) note, I'm now reading a Bob Dylan autobiography and my room is complete except for a new valance and I will be swapping out some art soon. It's all very urban ikea barn. I suspect a few of you understand that.

"I'd come from a long ways off and had started a long ways down. But now destiny was about to manifest itself. I felt like it was looking right at me and nobody else." - Bob Dylan

Also, I have a little bit more downtime this week. I plan on watching The OC on dvd and doing laundry and reading (my book and a new blog someone sent me) and spending time with friends.

I feel there was more to say, but I'm at a loss now. Oh well.

Listen to John Mayer (live) Where The Light Is.

I’m gonna steer clear. Burn up in your atmosphere. I’m gonna steer clear 'cause I’d die if I saw you - die if I didn’t see you there.

Friday, September 05, 2008

i crawled out from the pain of yesterday

I love Our Lady Peace.

My computer is broken. My brother is gone. There is a hurricane.

Everything else is business as usual.

Oh, I have taken up the addiction of The OC on dvd. I blame Adam Brody.

Also, I think there is nothing not to love about Diet Dr. Pepper.

Sometimes, I get really upset about being left at the time when I would need someone the most, but I realize that I am not at all alone. I have so many people in my life who care about me. Both near and far. I am so blessed.

And when I find myself lost. I can turn to Him. He knows me best. Thank God.

Other people's words...

I always liked the story of Noah's Ark and the idea of starting anew by rescuing the things you like and leaving the rest behind. [»] Zach Braff

Writing is a form of therapy - sometimes I wonder how all those, who do not write, compose or paint can manage to escape the madness, the melancholia, the panic fear, which is inherent in a human condition. - Graham Greene

Thursday, September 04, 2008

fill these spaces up with days

These years locked in my drawer,
I'll open to see, just to be sure.

I've worked thirty three hours in the past three days.

I wanted to come home, do laundry and go to bed early.

Not happening.

I can't sleep.
I can't speak to you.
I can't sleep.

Listen to: Azure Ray - Sleep & Jack's Mannequin - Into the Airwaves.

Hold my wine. Hold it in. Nobody's lost, but nobody wins.

Monday, September 01, 2008

summertime is over and i don't owe you nothing

I can feel the falling leaves filling up my vacant mind.

To begin, I'm never straightening my hair again after all the compliments I received today. It's too easy to wear it wavy and everyone likes it better. I think it works out best for us all.

It was a long 11-hour day. Tomorrow will be the same. I'm glad I work mostly with caffeine. And at least I'm always next door to it. *phew*

And I can't believe it's already September. Wow.

I hope excellent fall weather follows quickly. I'm so excited.

Today, a rather attractive foreign boy told me, "Finally. Someone who is good with milk." And another someone (who is somewhat of a critic) told me that I moved well at the machine and had really good milk skills.

These things made me feel good, but what I really took away from today was God really showing me I was there for a reason. This morning I was so annoyed to be there. It was Labor Day and all my friends were in Columbia and that's where I wanted to be, but I prayed that God would put me in a better mood and remind me that I was there for a reason. I thought that maybe I would make a difference today and that's why I had to give up a trip to see my friends. And then... tonight, a new friend of mine (who came into the store today and had received some particularly bad news while he was there) told me "Thank you for earlier, Erin. You really brightened my day - made it better."

And I knew that God puts us exactly where we're supposed to be whether we know it or not.

So that was good. I also had some decisions to make today. And I did. I'm not normally very good at that, but I had to decide what was best for me. What do I want? What do I not want? What makes me happy? Where do I want to go from here? I don't know all the answers to these questions, but I do know that God is good and faithful and knows the desires of my heart and if I follow him and what I feel like he is telling me, then I will be okay - even moreso, I will be happy and fulfilled.

I just have to be patient.

Cast your cares upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall. - Psalm 55:22

I can see September sun sinking in the autumn sky. If you want me to be gone, I've left already in my mind.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

you could never publish my love

"I don't want to meet anyone. I just want to be alone with my grandma... and her cat."

I watched In the Land of Women today - that movie with Adam Brody. I really got it because Meg Ryan was in it and I love her. Especially her hair in this movie, but that's not the point. The point is that I really enjoyed the movie.

It's sad and funny. I think it's realistic and too much at the same time. The music was good and I laughed out loud several times. It made me want to leave and do something. Anything. Anywhere. It also made me want to appreciate what I have in front of me, rather than what is behind me. And now I really want it to be cold, so I can wear sweaters and scarves.

Topher Grace meets Zach Braff in a Gilmore Girls sort of way. And, in the end, you most definitely want your own Carter Webb. Or Adam Brody. Whichever presents itself first.

"There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, it's never ever the thing you'd expect. It's ok to be scared but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that really love you, the people that need you."

In other news, I hung out at Alchemy with Amanda today and really remembered what it was like to hang out with friends and just be. I had that in Columbia - not so much here. But it was nice. And the couch was comfy and the coffee was good.

And I changed my message received ringtone. I could never hear 99 Red Balloons again and die okay with that. Oy.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

the way i see it #291.

the way i see it #291.
Originally uploaded by niiiiiiiki
"In a world where celebrity equals talent, and where make-believe is called reality, it is important to have real love, truth and stability in your life." - Bernie Brillstein, film and television producer.

The way I see it... finding reality is much harder than you would think. Also, the way I see it... is that the Starbucks near Tanger will never be able to make my drink correctly on the first try.

Friday, August 29, 2008

it's a long way down, but i feel alright

And the cops get in and the crowd gets tight. Take your tomorrow, pain and your sorrow and teach it how to fly. It's starting to hurt.

I worked ten hours today. And drank too much caffeine. So much that I started to feel sick and had to get some food from the food court. I think I'm addicted to diet coke. OhMy.

Laura Bousman sent me a blog that inspired me - to what I'm not sure quite yet.

Uncertainty is both scary and exciting, but I've decided I'm enjoying it.

5 Things found in my bag: wallet, datebook, ipod, cell, tylenol.

5 Things in my room: red dresser, urban quilt, sour skittles, bamboo, gilmore girls.

5 Things I’ve always wanted to do: skydive, go to italy, read all of my books, move away, live to tell about it.

5 Things I’m currently into: bob dylan, new york city, green tea chai, traveling, friends.

I have no idea what I'm doing, but I need to focus on one thing. one being. one life giving spirit. The one person to whom I owe it all and give very little. People are so selfish. Myself included. All He wants is our love. Most of the time I take Him for granted. When will I ever learn? When?

“What I a silly thing Love is… It is not half as useful as Logic, for it does not prove anything, and it is always telling one of things that are not going to happen, and making one believe things that are not true. In fact, it is quite unpractical, and, as in this age to be practical is everything." - Oscar Wilde

listening to: Ryan Adams.

'Cause I'm high on forever, always together, and I'm coming down. It's starting to hurt.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

it ain't no use to sit and wonder why

So, they say you learn something new everyday.

Today, I learned that I am not ready to date. I knew that, but today I learned it. I want to take time to be alone and do what I want and figure out who I am... while hanging out with people as friends. I can't date. Are you nuts? I'm so not ready for that. (Please note, that is not to say that I didn't have a good time tonight. I did. That's not the point though.)

And I'm not listening to crackhead people who tell me about my life anymore. I will feel how I feel until I don't feel that way anymore. I will believe what I believe until it is proven otherwise.

And I will go to bed on time. Starting not tonight because it's already after 1am.

I will read books and listen to Bob Dylan alone until I die if I decide that is what makes me happy.

I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe. Where I'm bound, I can't tell. But goodbye's too good a word, gal. So I'll just say fare thee well. I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind. You could have done better, but I don't mind. You just kinda wasted my precious time, but don't think twice, it's all right.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

she's always buzzin' just like neon

I'm in between work and work.

I'm terribly irresponsible these days. But only in a personal, my body is going to drop kick me one day, sort of way. I do too much and don't sleep enough. Hmm. Today, people kept telling me I looked high. I kept telling them I was just exhausted. Once the espresso kicked in I went back to normal.

I've heard lots of stories of broken hearts, relationships, tainted marriages, unhappiness, and general life uncertainty recently. It makes me ache. I want to believe like I used to believe, but the world makes it so difficult. And when I find myself in doubt, I remember that Jesus died for me... You gave up a wife and a family. You gave Your ghost. To be alone with me. Crazy.

Listening to: John Mayer - Where the Light Is and new Sigur Ros and Keane (A Bad Dream and Hamburg Song). I recommend it all.

Tonight, she's out to lose herself and find a high on Peachtree Street. From mixed drinks to techno beats, it's always heavy into everything.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

everybody asks me how you're doing

I couldn’t stop thanking God for you—every time I prayed, I’d think of you and give thanks. But I do more than thank. I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him—endless energy, boundless strength!

(Ephesians 1:16-19)

I said I couldn't tell you. I'm okay, I'm okay. I'm okay.

it was good as good goes

Wake up naked, drinking coffee, making plans to change the world while the world is changing us. It was good good love.

I avoided the rain three times today and spent four hours in coffee shops reading books and drinking lattes. Perspectives and Waiter Rant were my chosen reading material. Oddly, both of these books make me think about my future or lack thereof. I actually read half of Waiter Rant just today. (And for those of you who don't know me - that is an accomplishment as I hardly ever finish books at all...)

I also bought new music, entered business stuff into Quickbooks, baked brownies, watched an episode of I Love the Millenium, talked to Rachel and Tom and ate pizza with Kt and Akai. Most of the day was spent on my own. I am not unhappy. I do not know what I am, but it is not unhappy. And I think that is a big step forward in whatever direction it is that I am going.

And my room is coming together quite nicely. All the furniture is in it's right place and things are off the floor and pushed aside to give it a "clean" look despite the fact that nothing is where it belongs and I still have a lot of stuff to go through and get rid of... I'm not there right now, of course, so this will all take time. I'm living downtown for a few days and enjoying having my own space and puppies.

So, what to do with the rest of the day's afternoon? Hey, isn't it strange how we change everything we did? Did I do all that I could?

I have a pending date this week...? I think. I guess that's what you would call it. Dinner with a guy that I don't know very well, but that I think is nice. I suppose that's the definition. And it's pending only because we haven't picked a day yet.

And I am interviewing for a sales lead position at BBW tomorrow which will make me busier, but give me more money. That way I can afford Nola, New York and Morrocco. That and, you know, my car payment, IRA, cell phone and whatnot.

So, I guess this will be a big week for me.

And I can't wait for fall. For indian food and hoodies and reading on the water and pumpkin spice lattes. Pumpkin everything. And it's even more real because kids are back in school and I know the time is coming. It's funny because it makes me sad I'm not in college, but I'm glad at the same time. But I watch and listen to all these kids and want to tell them to stay exactly where they are, doing exactly what they want to do for as long as they want because real life is scary.

One day they will face the world and have to make decisions. They will have broken hearts and car payments in the real world. And it's not fun. Just stay where you are until you know where you are going.

I'm rambling now... Though I would like to know why guys dress the way they do now... with these tight designer jeans? Whatever happened to regular jeans and polos? Why does everything have to be so tight? And black. It's odd.

Remember we used to dance and everyone wanted to be you and me. I want to be too.

Friday, August 22, 2008

and all i am is holding breath

Oh, go ahead and lie to me. You could say anything. Small talk will be just fine. Your voice is everything.

I have a lot of things on my mind these days. I don’t really have the words to describe what I’m feeling or experiencing or thinking. I relate a lot of it to other things which is why I end up with so many quotes and lyrics on this blog. I hope that’s okay with you all.

“No, you don't get it. I need it to be over. I need it to be over because I can't take this anymore. Yes, I love Luke, and, yes, I wanted to marry Luke. But I didn't want a life separate from Luke, and that's all he could give me. I don't want that. If I'm gonna be with Luke, I want to be with Luke, and he didn't get it, and I waited. I mean, god, I waited. It's like Luke is driving a car, okay, and I just want to be in the passenger's seat. But he's locked the door, and so I have to hold onto the bumper, you know? I'm not even asking him to open the door for me. Just leave it unlocked and say, "come in." But no, he didn't do that, so I'm hanging onto the bumper, and life goes on, and the car goes on, and I get really badly bruised and hitting potholes. And it hurts. I mean, it hurts. So yesterday I had to let go of the bumper because it hurts too much. It hurts too much.”

I started going through some of the stuff. I read my journal I started in July (and also ended in July). That hurt. I can’t decide if I was more miserable then or now.

So how do I do normal? A smile I fake. A permanent wave of cue cards and fix-it kits. Can't you tell? I'm not myself.

Today, I talked on the phone with someone I don’t know very well, but when she asked me how I was doing, I felt compelled to be truthful with her. I told her I was not so good and we talked about the last three years of my life and the last three weeks. And then she prayed for me while I was on the phone with her. And it helped even though I hurt. She prayed for God to heal my heart. And she prayed for me to give over the weight on my shoulders - for me to wake up every morning and give myself to God and to give my worries about him to God too.

I don’t need to be over it. I need to be healed. Some things are fine. Some things aren’t. Some things never will be. But when you’re healed you learn to live with all of that.

My lover spoke and said to me, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.” – Song of Solomon

Slow and steady wins the race. Yes? Yes.

I'm a slow motion accident lost in coffee rings and fingerprints. I don't wanna feel anything, but I do and it all comes back to you.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

i know i won't be coming back quickly

I'm trying to stay out of trouble.
Keep my eye on the prize, you know?

Actually, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm just going about my business - doing what I want and never ever sleeping and drinking too much coffee. I'm like a rockstar without the drugs and sex. Or not at all.

Maybe I'm delirious.

Everyone should go see Marry a Thief on Saturday at Village Tavern.

I bought a dvd player today. I've never done that. It took me a long time to decide. I carried three different models around Target with me before I decided on one.

I'm so indecisive.

And miserable. And excited. I can't decide what I am more of... I just want to be happy and myself again. And I don't know how long it will take. Fuck.

"It sucks and it's hard but God makes everything beautiful in its time. I promise you will be exponentially happy one day in a healthy wonderful relationship. One day, you will get married and do all the things you want in life and he will help you and support you and cherish you..."

You turn me on and turn me off again. I'm honestly bored.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

i think i'll go home and mull this over...

... I mean, I'm weird, man.
Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your shit that idea of home is gone.
: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew Largeman
: You'll see when you move out. It just sort of happens one day, one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I don't know maybe it's like this right of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.
What do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry, but in between, I laugh. And I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good.

This is way beyond my remote concern of being condescending.

ashes to ashes. we all fall down.

We are deeply saddened that LeRoi Moore, saxophonist and founding member of Dave Matthews Band, died unexpectedly Tuesday afternoon, August 19, 2008, at Hollywood Presbyterian Medical Center in Los Angeles from sudden complications stemming from his June ATV accident on his farm near Charlottesville, Virginia. LeRoi had recently returned to his Los Angeles home to begin an intensive physical rehabilitation program.

"It always seems easier to leave than be left." - DJM

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

another four aspirin morning

This is morning. It's when I spend the most time thinking about what I've given up.

I painted my room. I rearranged my furniture. It no longer looks or feels like where I was broken up with. My walls are empty which is depressing, but, hopefully that will change soon.

I feel like people's lives are going on without me. People are happy and productive and I'm stuck in this place where I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I guess just do what I'm doing and doing it well. I'm so glad my friends are happy, but I'm not and it's hard to watch. I need to turn my eyes to God. I know that.

Damn it. I'm trying. I swear. Really. I am.

Ps, I love Jack's Mannequin. This cd is so perfect right now.

I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this - like every inch of me is bruised.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

all the details in the fabric

If it's a broken heart, then face it. Hold your own, know your name and go your own way. And everything will be fine.

Are the details in the fabric? Are the things that make you panic? Are your thoughts results of static cling? Are the things that make you blow? Have no reason, go on and scream. If you're shocked, it's just the fault of faulty manufacturing. Everything will be fine. Everything in time.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

the song that speaks a thousand words

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow? What do you do with the left over you? And how do you know when to let go? Where does the good go?

Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive. Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go. Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love. Look me in the heart and unbreak broken. It won't happen.

It's love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be real happy and healthy, strong and calm. Where does the good go?

Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows? How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down? What do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down? Where does the good go? -- Tegan and Sara

Friday, August 15, 2008

L is for Lovebomb

L is for lovebomb
Originally uploaded by girlhula
Oh is our life just an illusion? There is no need to figure it out. The separation exists not in your love filled heart, but only in your mind.

This is a photo from a blog I read by a woman who lives in Portland (which is a point I no longer find particularly appealing, but I'll get over it...) Anyway. I think she is lovely. And her life is lovely. And her family is lovely. And I hope and pray that one day I have all those things in such a lovely and creative way as she does.

But for now, I want no one and my life is confusing. I want to find myself - who I am, what I want, where I'm going. And I'm going to start now because I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of making my life second to the life of someone else. I'm tired of caring so much about another person's happiness that I forget to make myself happy. Maybe I'll discover it all next week. Or maybe I won't. I'm hoping I discover it in NYC in January. But maybe I won't. Perhaps at the new job I'm applying for? New Orleans? Morocco? Who knows? The point is I've got to start trying. I've got to start living.

The real story's all around you. Even now it surrounds you. Even now I feel the power.

I'm armed with my friends, my family, my God and some hope. We'll see how this goes...

The world exploded into love all around me.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

so damn lucky that you went on ahead

I found my box of letters in my old dresser drawer - the ones you used to write, but you don’t write me anymore. I even got a paper cut trying to figure out what to do with all of these memories now. And you're not who you used to be and I wonder where you’ve gone.

I took everything out of my room. I got a new comforter. I'm painting my walls and rearranging my furniture. There will be new art and new books and new music. There will be new friends. new memories. new love. And part of me wants it so bad and part of me doesn't want to let go. And part of me is sad. And part of me is so angry.

And now I listen to I Nine as a break up cd (ironic) and to country songs from the likes of Emerson Hart and Keith Urban talking about taking your stuff and moving along. I listen to Beyonce replacing people and Leona Lewis tells me it will be better in time. Mostly I listen to John Mayer because I feel like he gets me. It's angsty hopeful.

Remember all those hours laughing on the floor? Those days of doing nothing felt like nothing did before. I tried flipping through these pictures of the way we used to be... God, I’d give up everything to save you and me. This is not how we used to feel and I wonder where you’ve gone.

I don't want to waste any time. He didn't. He made a life changing decision for me in a week. Why can't I do that?

I was driving over the bridge in the rain today listening to music as loud as it would go and on the off ramp my brakes locked up and my car shut off. And I thought that I don't want to die this way. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to leave this memory for people. I have so much to do and so much to offer. And I want to be ok. And I want to be happy.

So I put the car in neutral and started it up again. And I realized how quickly life changes. If that had happened in February when I got my car I would have died. I wouldn't have known what to do. I couldn't drive a stick - much less have known what to do when it malfunctioned. That wasn't very long ago.

So people change. Goals change. Abilities change. I just have to figure out how to keep that happening... "I don't think we can really understand how time passes. We can't study it like a river or tame it with a clock. Our devices only mark its coming and going... Some things have to end, you know. You feel like life is always leading up to something, but it isn't. I mean life is just life. It's all happening right now, and we aren't going to be any more complete a month from now than we are now... God breathed some spark into some mud that became us, and He did it for a reason, and I want to feel that reason, not some false explanation." - Donald Miller

I finished Through Painted Deserts. I think that was step one. And I'm listening to Matchbox Twenty - These Hard Times. Step two?

This same old box of letters used to make me smile, but now I just feel lonely... Have you fallen in a black hole? Somewhere there's a universe of missing love. What happened to the good times? What happened to the moments when we had so much? Where's the love?

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

amazing still it seems, i'll be twenty-three

"You know what the worst part of it was? When you weren't there, part of me wasn't suprised."

Oy with the communication already! Is anyone really good at it? At telling people the truth or how they feel? Why do people fake it or lie? Why do people keep to themselves what other people would understand or care to know? I would've cared. I do care. I wish I didn't, but I do.

I won't always love what I'll never have. I won't always live in my regrets.

Monday, August 11, 2008

morning can be a time of mourning

I'm waiting for the day when I wake up and it's not the first thing on my mind. I think that will be lovely because crying is no good way to start your day. But I do feel more stable. I am still unhappy and confused and want answers, but I don't cry all day - I only randomly burst into tears. And that's when I call on my friends because I know they, not just will, but want to help me through this. I am so very very blessed in a situation where I feel so lost.

"I wonder at what Paul said back in Portland, how God is good, how it doesn't do any good to run from Him because what He has is good and who He is, is good. Even if I want to run, it isn't really what I want - what I want is Him, even if I don't believe it. If He made all this existence, you would think He would know what He is doing, and you think He could be trusted. Everything I want is just Him, to get lost in Him, to feel His love and more and more of this dazzling that He does. I wonder at His beautiful system and how it feels better than anything I could choose or invent for myself." - Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts

Friday, August 08, 2008

and maybe ours is the cause of all mankind

Everyone turn to p. 149 in your copy of Eat. Pray. Love.

"Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching, I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that's just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That's just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that... you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It's your destiny...

He probably was [your soul mate]. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it.

Your problem is, you just can't let this one go... So love him... So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him and then drop it... If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed."

And when I opened this book again, out fell my Delta itinerary and a receipt for an iced grande caramel macchiato in the San Antonio Int'l Airport. Ouch. $3.99. Can heartbreak be written off with the IRS? With anyone? For anything?

I really need to learn how to throw stuff away.

Maybe that's what I'll do now that I'm twenty-three. Let go. Let God. Throw away trash.

I read with every broken heart we should become more adventurous.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

and he woke me up again to say...

I think that when you're too comfortable (even in complete discomfort) that God likes to mix things up - keep you on your toes.

I was laying down and reading Through Painted Deserts when Matt came into my house and broke up with me last week. (wow, seven days, it feels like yesterday and like an eternity at the same time and not much has changed, but everything has changed...) Anyway, it has been hard for me to do anything much less finish a life lesson book about Oregon. Damn Portland, Eugene and Corvallis - all mentioned by name in this book - all places we thought about moving.

But I picked it back up last night between shifts and read this:
"I have just been thinking how what we really want is for people to love us. God, girls [guys], friends, parents. It seems like life is all about stuff, you know? - I just feel like God put us here to enjoy Him and He gave us free will, so it's tough sometimes because people use their free will selfishly but I think He also created us to enjoy Him, that He is love, you know..." (says Paul to Donald Miller)
And maybe that was my problem. Maybe I was too wrapped up in Matt and his happiness and his love for me that I wasn't enjoying God. I wasn't enjoying what He gave me. I was just waiting for the next step. I am here right now for a reason and God wants to manifest himself through me everyday. He was doing that and I wasn't paying attention or appreciating it - I was looking to two years from now. So He pulled me back. He brought me back to now.

And damn it hurts. And I cry everyday. And everything reminds me of Matt. And I'm sad. And I'm mad. And I ache for him. And I ache for me. But God calls me out of it to His purpose.

I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I promise.

And I know, I know you are changed now. I hope, I hope you're arranged out. But I'm still asleep and you woke me up again. And I'm still asleep, but you woke me up to be holy.