and all i am is holding breath

Oh, go ahead and lie to me. You could say anything. Small talk will be just fine. Your voice is everything.

I have a lot of things on my mind these days. I don’t really have the words to describe what I’m feeling or experiencing or thinking. I relate a lot of it to other things which is why I end up with so many quotes and lyrics on this blog. I hope that’s okay with you all.

“No, you don't get it. I need it to be over. I need it to be over because I can't take this anymore. Yes, I love Luke, and, yes, I wanted to marry Luke. But I didn't want a life separate from Luke, and that's all he could give me. I don't want that. If I'm gonna be with Luke, I want to be with Luke, and he didn't get it, and I waited. I mean, god, I waited. It's like Luke is driving a car, okay, and I just want to be in the passenger's seat. But he's locked the door, and so I have to hold onto the bumper, you know? I'm not even asking him to open the door for me. Just leave it unlocked and say, "come in." But no, he didn't do that, so I'm hanging onto the bumper, and life goes on, and the car goes on, and I get really badly bruised and hitting potholes. And it hurts. I mean, it hurts. So yesterday I had to let go of the bumper because it hurts too much. It hurts too much.”

I started going through some of the stuff. I read my journal I started in July (and also ended in July). That hurt. I can’t decide if I was more miserable then or now.

So how do I do normal? A smile I fake. A permanent wave of cue cards and fix-it kits. Can't you tell? I'm not myself.

Today, I talked on the phone with someone I don’t know very well, but when she asked me how I was doing, I felt compelled to be truthful with her. I told her I was not so good and we talked about the last three years of my life and the last three weeks. And then she prayed for me while I was on the phone with her. And it helped even though I hurt. She prayed for God to heal my heart. And she prayed for me to give over the weight on my shoulders - for me to wake up every morning and give myself to God and to give my worries about him to God too.

I don’t need to be over it. I need to be healed. Some things are fine. Some things aren’t. Some things never will be. But when you’re healed you learn to live with all of that.

My lover spoke and said to me, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.” – Song of Solomon

Slow and steady wins the race. Yes? Yes.

I'm a slow motion accident lost in coffee rings and fingerprints. I don't wanna feel anything, but I do and it all comes back to you.