Monday, October 30, 2006

and i won't waste a minute without you

A week, huh? Were you all wondering where I went?

I didn't really go anywhere, but I was lost for a couple of days. God found me and brought me back. And now I'm really busy, so you might not hear from me again for awhile. Who knows though? Certainly not me... I've been noticing a lot of things recently and I'm trying to process a lot of things, too. I've also been trying to worry about nothing and pray about everything... He has made so much better in the past seven days.

I can't remember everything from the past week, so I'll catch you up with today:

I had a lovely breakfast with Hanneke at Immac. I adore Hanneke and I feel as though she is one of the people who has had the biggest impact on my college experience. And for that I am truly blessed.

I then did a lot of work. I had an accounting exam. I was advised. (It's crazy that I'm actually going to graduate soon! With honors! I'm going to the real world...) Um. I wrote a project proposal and did a statement of cash flows. I didn't read for Purchasing which I should have, but I was distracted by a dodgy, sketchy lizard in my room. It was on my body spray. It wanted to hurt me. I could see the violence in it's little beady eyes.

I've been listening to: Snow Patrol, Hem, Idlewild, The Format, Jose Gonzalez and Imogen Heap. All have been quite enjoyable.

My feet are cold, but I guess, in the end, today went pretty well. It included fudgy pumpkin brownies, too. Look gross. Taste delicious.

And I got to talk to Matt again which was quite nice because I think he's pretty amazing. (We reached one month today which we both feel is a very good thing to remember and celebrate.) It's nice to have someone who cares about you as much as you care about them even if they're 9 hours away. I can't wait until Thanksgiving.

Um, I'm having my wisdom teeth taken out on Friday. Kinda nervous about that nonsense. And I'll be cooped up all weekend. I will appreciate visitors. No cameras, please. And I'll accept flowers, cards, dvds, and all things drinkable.

So, add in several cups of hot tea and a pair of fuzzy boots and that's life right now...

Get up. Get out. Get away from these liars. Cause they don't get your soul or your fire.

Monday, October 23, 2006

a strange reaction for someone like you to remain so sure

"but it is beautiful when imperfections don't stop someone's desires."

He says He will rescue and protect me
because I love Him. because He first loved me. because I love others.

Be Still
, he says, and know that I am God.

And if I am still, I can feel Him and know Him and trust Him.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

I can't find my way without following You.

Thank God for His love. For friends. For words of truth. For rebuke. For realization. For accountability. For prayer.

If you saw the face of God and love, would you change?

Friday, October 20, 2006

i keep on running to protect my situation

I'm glad not a lot of people can see me right now because I am a mess.

I don't know what's wrong with me or how this happened, but I'm sick. Somehow. I'm sick on fall break! Oh, the misery of it all.

And I went to the optometrist today and she dialated my eyes, so for a couple of hours my eyes are super sensitive to light and my reading vision is malfunctioning. Actually, looking at this computer screen is giving me a headache.

I feel crazy.
I'm trying to like the new John Mayer cd.
I'm going to read a new book. The Pleasure of my Company.

Sometimes I wish life was normal. Then I remember that I don't like normal.

Google "sony bouncy ball" and find the video of it. It's magical. Look for the frog.

And I'll come through like I do when the world keeps testing me, testing me, testing me.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

and for a moment you can hardly breathe

I finished the book.

Joe is in so much trouble for making me read this.

We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm. - George Orwell

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

now floating up and down i spin colliding into sound

Ok. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself, but I keep reading this book and about every fifteen pages I start crying. I really want to ask my brother why he thought I would enjoy this book.

I'm reading about Marines going into Iraq and about their families, their friends, and their girlfriends. I'm reading about them being bombed.

Where is the coast guard? I keep looking each direction for a spotlight, give me something. I need something for protection.

I wish my brother had never signed up for infantry.

I worry. And pray. pray. pray.
I'm glad Matt didn't sign up for anything like that.
I would really miss my sanity...

People who have loved ones in the military should not subject themselves to this, but I keep doing it anyway. Maybe Alison is right. Maybe I should just put the book in the freezer.

I wanna swim away, but don't know how. Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean... Let the rain of what I feel right now come down.

Monday, October 16, 2006

the circle of your friends will defend the silver lining

pain throws your heart to the ground.
love turns the whole thing around.
no, it won't all go the way it should,
but i know the heart of life is good.

I'm glad that I will always have people in my life to help shape my music tastes. Good people. I like these people.

I made a mixed cd today. It's the first mixed cd I've ever made just for one person. And I think it's pretty good.

Wisdom teeth suck. I want mine gone now.

I have a test tomorrow. I just got home from pint night. I am such a bad student.

I love USC. I love college. I love my friends. But I can't wait to move onto the next phase of my life. I want to see what my future holds...

I'm reading a book my brother gave me - The Gift of Valor. It's the story of a marine in Iraq. Yeah, I already cried. I'm having a hard time disassociating the characters from the people in my real life who are in the military.

It's cold outside. I wore my green pea coat the other night after the fair. Last night, after I got off the phone with Matt, I went inside and I couldn't feel my toes. Yeah. It's that kind of weather. Get excited.

White chocolate, frosted mint lattes. Yum.

I'm having a super difficult time waking up in the mornings. It's like my body refuses to even think about waking up before 7. I don't understand. I think if I get less hours of sleep, then my body will have less time to get comfy in bed and then I'll be able to get up more easily. Does that make any sense at all?

Ooo. I'm going skiing. I'm bummin' the bling from my dad for Shack on the Slopes. Woot.

It's almost Fall Break. I'm going to Asheville. I just can't wait for Thanksgiving.

I'm sorry this was so random.

P.S. Bob Day loves cake.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

hey. how long 'til the music drowns you out?

This is a good time for music, I feel.

Baumer - Tonight. 5 Points After 5, yo.
Amos Lee - October 13 (Music Farm, Not going, but I'm glad he's playing.)
Jason Harwell - October 20 (at the java that is jammin')
Mute Math - October 22 (Charlotte - maybe) and 25 (G'vegas - fo' sure)
Eric Skelton - November 10 (my place of employment)
Ben Folds - November 14 (Koger Center w. Student ID)
Regina Spektor - November 17 (Roxy Theatre)
Death Cab - November 18 (@ Clemson. Really wish I was going...)
Imogen Heap - November 19 (the Tabernacle)
I Nine - November 20 (Representin' back at Tigerburn...)

These are all excellent things, people. Let's not miss the music.

Beethoven said something amazing on an Urban Outfitters shirt once and if I ever find the quote, I'm putting it here...

... music is a higher revelation than any wisdom or philosophy.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

my hands are small, i know

I felt small today.

I was walking through the Horseshoe this morning and no one was out there. So, I started looking around and noticed how big the trees were and how tall the columns on some of the buildings were. I noticed all the grass and the animals running on it. I thought of all the memories I had there and how some small ones overshadowed much more interesting ones. I was listening to worship music and thought about how much some of those words mean. And who those people were singing about.

When I think of all of the things that we've done and what's to come, I can't help but think it's part of some - part of a plan.

And I thought about how small I was compared to all of it.

Small to nature. Small to buildings. Small to my past. Small to my future. Small to worship. Small to my Creator. So small to the amazing things I know he's doing in my life. Small to the closeness and safety I feel when I spend time with Him.

So small.

So small when he convicted me today about judgement. So small when someone else apologized to me for it. So small.

His love and greatness and creation and knowledge are so big. And I felt small. And I had never felt happier to feel that small. So small.

I wish we could open our eyes to see in all directions at the same time. Oh, what a beautiful view if you were never aware of what was around you.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

right through that screaming crowd

Yesterday, I wanted to go to work and be full of joy.

And by the time 10 o'clock rolled around I wanted to call Nate and yell at him for forgetting about the busy night and the giant group of high school girls who were coming in. Alison kept taking orders and the tickets kept piling up and I just kept making things. It was so busy.

But everything got out. All the customers were happy. All it cost were our smiles and the brightness in our eyes.

I'm a terrible warrior. I'm so weak. I get brought down too easily. I listen to myself instead of listening to God telling me to be strong.

Because, even though I was tired, my night ended up just fine. And we had great music to listen to while we closed and I felt so blessed by my friends - and the strangers in my life. A shout out to Corinne, Carole and Wayne for being amazing and being so helpful while we closed.

While we were on our knees praying that disease would leave the ones we love and never come again.

Then I went home and had an email from Matt which made me happy, but I found out he's sick. Not sure what/how/why. This is also made my crankiness seem unfounded. At least I'm not sick and nine hours away from the people that I love and want to take care of me.

This is how it works: you peer inside yourself, you take the things you like and try to love the things you took...

Now, I'm sitting here in my semi chilly room wearing my snowmen pjs and my air force sweatshirt pondering my future and the weather. I better enjoy it now because it'll be warm later this week.

... and then you take that love you made and stick it into some - someone else's heart, pumping someone else's blood.

When I'm older, I hope that I have enough money to overpay and overstaff my coffee shop, so no one ever seems under appreciated or overwhelmed.

And walking arm in arm, you hope it don't get harmed, but even if it does, you'll just do it all again.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

seasons change before me...

In October, everybody walks around with a certain energy as if they are going to be elected president the next day, as if they are going to get married. - d.miller

Today was mildly stressful, but all over good. It's not over yet - it could get even better.

I lost Squeegy today. For a solid 3 hours I had to emotionally detach myself from my ipod and remember that my life would still be amazing without all 60 gb of it's beauty. And then I thought I broke my toe or ripped it off or something when I went to the McCutchen House. Let's just say it hurts. And I was pretty sure I wanted to keep my toe...

I was talking to Garrett this morning and here is part of our conversation...

G: It's funny. You've always been somewhat of the quintessential cynic.
E: What? No, I haven't!
G: Yeah, yeah. Look at you. All bouncy and "hey! how are you!?" (flails arms in the air) It's not the coffee... So, tell me, Erin. The birds - do they chirp a little louder now? Is the grass a little greener?
E: Hmm. Yup.

For some reason my schedule is messed up. It's okay. I have a test tomorrow. It's okay. I'm tired. It's okay. I'm busy. It's okay. I've accepted it.

Gilmore girls comes on soooooon. Holla.

I'll trade the moon for the sun, but this feeling for no one.

Monday, October 02, 2006

(it's brighter than sunshine)

The love that I was giving you was never in doubt. Let go of your heart. Let go of your head. And feel it now.

I listened to a lot of David Gray this weekend during my 18 hours of driving. And I decided, when in doubt, play the new Snow Patrol album.

Soooo. I went to Biloxi - I'm sure you all weren't aware... That's my little lion, Thom. He was my navigator. It was a very good weekend despite the fact that during the Hurricane Katrina relief efforts that this city had been forgotten.

I have so much I could say about this weekend. I'm not sure where I would start though. I haven't even finished writing in my journal about it...

It was good to be there. It was great to see Matt. I had fun. I'm very happy. And I can't wait until Thanksgiving.

But for now, there is lots to do. October is busy and consuming. It'll be good.

So, then when you are not in my dreams and not in my mind, but we're at the same place at the same time - rubber no longer holds the borders of my soul.