Saturday, January 31, 2009

most relationships seem so transitory

last time, i took everyone's advice.

i didn't listen to myself at all.

everybody was happy with me.

and i was not happy at all.

they're all good but not the permanent one.

i'm still waiting in line

natasha bedingfield's new video.

this video is beautiful. i was really surprised.

who doesn't long for someone to hold?
who knows how to love you without being told.

Sunday, January 25, 2009


i like those little cinnamon sugar doughnut holes. my grandma used to always have them at her house when i came to visit. she still does sometimes. evidently only the beaufort publix thinks they’re worth baking.

i hate glazed doughnuts. hot fresh now signs do nothing for me.

i just ate one of those little powdered donuts. the kind that come wrapped up at gas stations or in bags labeled “sweet sixteen”. yeah. it was good. i like those.

you don't have to be old to be wise

via spudart:

photo by Matt Maldre

A bird does not wait till it dies to fly. Emptiness is not for me. Fill me up and spill over me.

Monday, January 19, 2009

it's gonna take a miracle to bring me back

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it.
Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it.
Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.
- Martin Luther King Jr.

Friday, January 16, 2009

nobody knows me at all.

i think i will start posting random things about myself.

i like buying new music. i like the way cd stores always smell. i like rifling through the used section. i like that the person working knows exactly where to find the cd i'm looking for. i like that itunes is so convenient. i like live music a lot. i like sitting and listening to music. i like dancing like a crazy person and listening to music. i like music that makes me want to cry. i like music that makes me smile.

basically. i like music. it moves me.

i'd always win and you'd always lose

i just found this news out yesterday.

via Levi Weaver who got it via cardinal cave.

me- 34-a non smoker and happy, for the first time in my life.. i am excited to finish this wonderful time i have had with the cardinals and whatever new adventures may come after march. atlanta will be my last venture with the band and i am grateful for the time we have had and maybe someday we will have more stories to tell together. i am however ready for quieter times as i think it is very evident i am struggling with some balance and hearing issues.

also, no drama or anything but i am okay to step back from all of this right now and i think i did enough manic blogging when i felt alone and isolated during the last few years of travel. these last few years were the hardest i can remember and the most rewarding but i have loved ones to care for now and i am lucky i have been given a chance to turn around and see just what i am capable of as a friend and as someone who is not gone forever every year- it rendered me incapable of things i needed to be to myself and others- and my schedule sometimes never ended when the shows did- and some of that was my doing. and i lost someone i loved, and i lost myself.

that changed. i got to know just who i am in this little spell of time here recently. and change is the nature of the world and i naturally embrace that.

i won’t be blogging here anymore either- but not for effect- it just is not being kind to myself- i need a life that is mine- i need to grow up and grow in to who i have subtly been working back towards since i stopped all that nonsense and i know also no matter what i choose to do in the music world, because i chose to do things my way and never lie i will always be viewed as an “asshole” ( i hear and have seen things in the past) and i am not, and i know the truth and i know who i am.

also it is kind of ridiculous to blog as i am a musician and anything i say here just gets reprinted at some point out of context. i say NOT FAIR but it doesn’t matter what i say anymore or what is fair anymore really does it- the 21st century media has it’s own rules about what is true and what is not. it is not a life- not one i want to live anyway and i don’t really care to participate in narcissistic over-indulgent behavior anymore- that was never my intention- i just wanted to fight for my right to make music and to be given the benefit of the doubt. now, because i have stood up for myself and fought for myself i am labeled all kinds of awful things. well, i will walk away now and it will not matter what anyone say’s. there are other things i can do in this life, other ways to be creative and to try and help others and be expressive without being demonized for attempting to gain the same things any other human being desires- love- friendship- understanding- and being able to express yourself without constant fear of being mistreated for speaking up

i have friends to make, brand new books coming (two of em’ not counting that one already printed and on it’s way out there and i LOVE writing….yay!) and a whole lot of living and learning to do.

i am excited to step away. i lost more than anyone will ever know (hearing, someone i loved, my sense of dignity, a never ending losing battle with stage fright and now my hearing and balance due to an inner ear issue- people accusing me of not being sober when i am suffering tremendous pain and nausea from my inner ear symptoms- people accusing me of theft (THEFT- ….awful) and this is not much of a life, not glamorous like those ridiculous video’s a long time ago television played and no it is not monetarily as rewarding as people would like you to believe and yes, it is soul destroying. especially when you spend your life trying to write about the really difficult stuff and you stand there losing your way and people yell at you like you were in a circus. when it was your dream to matter and you realize one day, it never mattered- i mean, i am a punch-line and a footnote in what is worse to yell at someone besides “free-bird”. i mean, i lost. and it’s okay because i seriously snuck some pretty neat idea’s in there in the work when i was making those mistakes or they were being made by others. this business is no science.

and if you know, whatever this is- it’s not my dream. and it is a punishing thing to endure when you are getting worse and worse- it’s not my dream, my dream was to try and tap into that energy i saw watching Minutemen vcr tapes when i was just a little shit in NC of mike watt’s crazy shaking leg and his electric fingers- or how sonic youth droned into beautiful clouds those guitars shaking, kim and steve rattling the pulsing lines into feverish thudding imaginary subway cars racing through my heart- and how it felt to just let go and static up a riff and find the sweet spot- but getting yelled at for just being a songwriter- to be called so many horrid things because i chose to love music so much, and also to look for peace and balance in my life- that is not kindness and just not my thing. at least not now.

and i loved somebody. and i let others decided if that was okay and that was wrong and i was wrong and no one should deny themselves or others love or understanding because people don’t get it. that was an awful mistake. i always make big mistakes. it’s like i let myself learn that because that was a role, a niche’ i filled that make sense to a loud voice of strangers who would never really play a real part in my life.

never become that if you choose this path- if you go this route with your art. never listen to those loud dissatisfied bystanders who only want to see you fail because that will be entertaining for that moment. hold fast to your dreams, hold faster to your heart and never step out of the light of that love that made you whole. i did. and i know better now. and better late than never i suppose.

but i am okay now. i see a peaceful way to better days now. i am healing. and most importantly i feel loved and i have learned to treat myself with that same curiosity and lover that i have been lucky enough to feel and to learn to let guide my life. love is the great teacher and i am happy to be learning now. happy to be listening to that over this never ending painful ringing. this is the great lesson of my life. for once i want to be dignified in my study and in one place long enough to hear and understand without my pride or my lack of faith in myself leading me further away from things i need to know once and for all.

this is the real work now. the rest is something else entirely.

quitting smoking was a good step and i am happy i also am just now beginning to understand how important it is i take better care of myself in every way right now. hell i am even beginning to sleep a little and i can feel the things good and bad that i did not have time to feel when i was running towards a new oblivion of work, hoping somehow someday what i did would be accepted and maybe that would make me feel loved. how foolish.

that is not love. love is being accepted for who you are. love is taking care of yourself and caring for others and dreaming out loud when it matters. not chasing rainbows. not hoping for some eventual collective sigh of approval which will never come. how did i ever think in those terms? i always knew better. thank goodness i know now how to be honest with myself.

anyway, enjoy these shows ( i will enjoy them immensely and i will miss them just as much) and know that i am not abandoning anyone, not the cardinals and not the fans, this is just something i need to do now, and that i loved playing music in the cardinals and hell, even before i was in a place to try and learn to be well, music was my life source- and cardinals was such a heavy crush and a real dream…i honor it too much to have any regrets right now, i am just proud.

maybe we will play again sometime and maybe i will work my way back into some kind of music situation but this is the time for me to step back now, to reel it in and i wish everyone peace and happiness and if music is your dream, or if just dreaming is your dream, may you find your way through the rough patch with ease and i hope you let go and it takes you all the way there-

loving kindness to all.


Sunday, January 11, 2009

let's agree to disagree

One day I will find the right words and they will be simple. – Jack Kerouac

Saturday, January 10, 2009

i'm a war of head versus heart

death cab - crooked teeth
priscilla ahn - red cape
kanye west - robocop
erin mccarley - pony (it's ok)
the fray - you found me
akon - beautiful
rachael yamagata - sidedish friend

and it's always this way.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

early morning, city breaks

Where were you? When everything was falling apart?


Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

All my days were spent by the telephone. It never rang and all I needed was a call. It never came to the corner of First and Amistad.

Lost and insecure. You found me, you found me. Lying on the floor. Surrounded, surrounded. Why'd you have to wait?

Sunday, January 04, 2009

and your friends they sing along

this is a song of resolutions:

rilo kiley - a better son/daughter.

and you’ll show up for work with a smile.
and you’ll be better.
and you’ll be smarter.
and more grown up.
and a better daughter or son.
and a real good friend.
and you’ll be awake.
you’ll be alert.
you’ll be positive though it hurts.
and you’ll laugh and embrace all your friends.
and you’ll be a real good listener.
you’ll be honest.
you’ll be brave.
you’ll be handsome .
and you’ll be beautiful.
you’ll be happy.

your ship may be coming in. you’re weak, but not giving in to the cries and the wails of the valley below. and your ship may be coming in. you’re weak, but not giving in and you’ll fight it. you’ll go out fighting all of them.

Friday, January 02, 2009

come on skinny love

I was reading a blog earlier and they kept saying "Choose your Attitude." And for some reason that really hit me.

I guess so many times in my life I allow my circumstances to choose my attitude or my emotions and I stop being in charge. And I stop allowing the things that are important to matter. That's not how I want to live my life. No. Not at all!

And I suppose there is no better time than the new year to start focusing on that, huh?

beauty that moves:

There is so much that is beyond my control at the moment and it can be a scary thing if I allow it, but recently I remembered these words from my teacher... he said to me once that when things feel out of control and uncertain, the one thing we can always control is our attitude. We can choose to walk taller, breathe deeper, shift our mental focus. It's not easy, but it is within our power, always.

"Choose your attitude."

And so I have. In the face of the unknown, I remain focused and determined, hard working and truthful, and most importantly - kind and loving.

I told you to be patient. I told you to be fine. I told you to be balanced. I told you to be kind.