Sunday, August 31, 2008
I watched In the Land of Women today - that movie with Adam Brody. I really got it because Meg Ryan was in it and I love her. Especially her hair in this movie, but that's not the point. The point is that I really enjoyed the movie.
It's sad and funny. I think it's realistic and too much at the same time. The music was good and I laughed out loud several times. It made me want to leave and do something. Anything. Anywhere. It also made me want to appreciate what I have in front of me, rather than what is behind me. And now I really want it to be cold, so I can wear sweaters and scarves.
Topher Grace meets Zach Braff in a Gilmore Girls sort of way. And, in the end, you most definitely want your own Carter Webb. Or Adam Brody. Whichever presents itself first.
"There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, it's never ever the thing you'd expect. It's ok to be scared but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that really love you, the people that need you."
In other news, I hung out at Alchemy with Amanda today and really remembered what it was like to hang out with friends and just be. I had that in Columbia - not so much here. But it was nice. And the couch was comfy and the coffee was good.
And I changed my message received ringtone. I could never hear 99 Red Balloons again and die okay with that. Oy.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
The way I see it... finding reality is much harder than you would think. Also, the way I see it... is that the Starbucks near Tanger will never be able to make my drink correctly on the first try.
Friday, August 29, 2008
I worked ten hours today. And drank too much caffeine. So much that I started to feel sick and had to get some food from the food court. I think I'm addicted to diet coke. OhMy.
Laura Bousman sent me a blog that inspired me - to what I'm not sure quite yet.
Uncertainty is both scary and exciting, but I've decided I'm enjoying it.
5 Things found in my bag: wallet, datebook, ipod, cell, tylenol.
5 Things in my room: red dresser, urban quilt, sour skittles, bamboo, gilmore girls.
5 Things I’ve always wanted to do: skydive, go to italy, read all of my books, move away, live to tell about it.
5 Things I’m currently into: bob dylan, new york city, green tea chai, traveling, friends.
I have no idea what I'm doing, but I need to focus on one thing. one being. one life giving spirit. The one person to whom I owe it all and give very little. People are so selfish. Myself included. All He wants is our love. Most of the time I take Him for granted. When will I ever learn? When?
“What I a silly thing Love is… It is not half as useful as Logic, for it does not prove anything, and it is always telling one of things that are not going to happen, and making one believe things that are not true. In fact, it is quite unpractical, and, as in this age to be practical is everything." - Oscar Wilde
listening to: Ryan Adams.
'Cause I'm high on forever, always together, and I'm coming down. It's starting to hurt.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Today, I learned that I am not ready to date. I knew that, but today I learned it. I want to take time to be alone and do what I want and figure out who I am... while hanging out with people as friends. I can't date. Are you nuts? I'm so not ready for that. (Please note, that is not to say that I didn't have a good time tonight. I did. That's not the point though.)
And I'm not listening to crackhead people who tell me about my life anymore. I will feel how I feel until I don't feel that way anymore. I will believe what I believe until it is proven otherwise.
And I will go to bed on time. Starting not tonight because it's already after 1am.
I will read books and listen to Bob Dylan alone until I die if I decide that is what makes me happy.
I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe. Where I'm bound, I can't tell. But goodbye's too good a word, gal. So I'll just say fare thee well. I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind. You could have done better, but I don't mind. You just kinda wasted my precious time, but don't think twice, it's all right.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I'm terribly irresponsible these days. But only in a personal, my body is going to drop kick me one day, sort of way. I do too much and don't sleep enough. Hmm. Today, people kept telling me I looked high. I kept telling them I was just exhausted. Once the espresso kicked in I went back to normal.
I've heard lots of stories of broken hearts, relationships, tainted marriages, unhappiness, and general life uncertainty recently. It makes me ache. I want to believe like I used to believe, but the world makes it so difficult. And when I find myself in doubt, I remember that Jesus died for me... You gave up a wife and a family. You gave Your ghost. To be alone with me. Crazy.
Listening to: John Mayer - Where the Light Is and new Sigur Ros and Keane (A Bad Dream and Hamburg Song). I recommend it all.
Tonight, she's out to lose herself and find a high on Peachtree Street. From mixed drinks to techno beats, it's always heavy into everything.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
I couldn’t stop thanking God for you—every time I prayed, I’d think of you and give thanks. But I do more than thank. I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him—endless energy, boundless strength!
(Ephesians 1:16-19)I said I couldn't tell you. I'm okay, I'm okay. I'm okay.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Oh, go ahead and lie to me. You could say anything. Small talk will be just fine. Your voice is everything.
I have a lot of things on my mind these days. I don’t really have the words to describe what I’m feeling or experiencing or thinking. I relate a lot of it to other things which is why I end up with so many quotes and lyrics on this blog. I hope that’s okay with you all.
“No, you don't get it. I need it to be over. I need it to be over because I can't take this anymore. Yes, I love Luke, and, yes, I wanted to marry Luke. But I didn't want a life separate from Luke, and that's all he could give me. I don't want that. If I'm gonna be with Luke, I want to be with Luke, and he didn't get it, and I waited. I mean, god, I waited. It's like Luke is driving a car, okay, and I just want to be in the passenger's seat. But he's locked the door, and so I have to hold onto the bumper, you know? I'm not even asking him to open the door for me. Just leave it unlocked and say, "come in." But no, he didn't do that, so I'm hanging onto the bumper, and life goes on, and the car goes on, and I get really badly bruised and hitting potholes. And it hurts. I mean, it hurts. So yesterday I had to let go of the bumper because it hurts too much. It hurts too much.”
I started going through some of the stuff. I read my journal I started in July (and also ended in July). That hurt. I can’t decide if I was more miserable then or now.
So how do I do normal? A smile I fake. A permanent wave of cue cards and fix-it kits. Can't you tell? I'm not myself.
Today, I talked on the phone with someone I don’t know very well, but when she asked me how I was doing, I felt compelled to be truthful with her. I told her I was not so good and we talked about the last three years of my life and the last three weeks. And then she prayed for me while I was on the phone with her. And it helped even though I hurt. She prayed for God to heal my heart. And she prayed for me to give over the weight on my shoulders - for me to wake up every morning and give myself to God and to give my worries about him to God too.
I don’t need to be over it. I need to be healed. Some things are fine. Some things aren’t. Some things never will be. But when you’re healed you learn to live with all of that.
My lover spoke and said to me, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.” – Song of Solomon
Slow and steady wins the race. Yes? Yes.
I'm a slow motion accident lost in coffee rings and fingerprints. I don't wanna feel anything, but I do and it all comes back to you.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Keep my eye on the prize, you know?
Actually, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm just going about my business - doing what I want and never ever sleeping and drinking too much coffee. I'm like a rockstar without the drugs and sex. Or not at all.
Maybe I'm delirious.
Everyone should go see Marry a Thief on Saturday at Village Tavern.
I bought a dvd player today. I've never done that. It took me a long time to decide. I carried three different models around Target with me before I decided on one.
I'm so indecisive.
And miserable. And excited. I can't decide what I am more of... I just want to be happy and myself again. And I don't know how long it will take. Fuck.
"It sucks and it's hard but God makes everything beautiful in its time. I promise you will be exponentially happy one day in a healthy wonderful relationship. One day, you will get married and do all the things you want in life and he will help you and support you and cherish you..."
You turn me on and turn me off again. I'm honestly bored.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your shit that idea of home is gone.What do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry, but in between, I laugh. And I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew Largeman: You'll see when you move out. It just sort of happens one day, one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I don't know maybe it's like this right of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.
This is way beyond my remote concern of being condescending.
"It always seems easier to leave than be left." - DJM
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
I painted my room. I rearranged my furniture. It no longer looks or feels like where I was broken up with. My walls are empty which is depressing, but, hopefully that will change soon.
I feel like people's lives are going on without me. People are happy and productive and I'm stuck in this place where I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I guess just do what I'm doing and doing it well. I'm so glad my friends are happy, but I'm not and it's hard to watch. I need to turn my eyes to God. I know that.
Damn it. I'm trying. I swear. Really. I am.
Ps, I love Jack's Mannequin. This cd is so perfect right now.
I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this - like every inch of me is bruised.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive. Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go. Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love. Look me in the heart and unbreak broken. It won't happen.
It's love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be real happy and healthy, strong and calm. Where does the good go?
Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows? How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down? What do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down? Where does the good go? -- Tegan and Sara
Friday, August 15, 2008
This is a photo from a blog I read by a woman who lives in Portland (which is a point I no longer find particularly appealing, but I'll get over it...) Anyway. I think she is lovely. And her life is lovely. And her family is lovely. And I hope and pray that one day I have all those things in such a lovely and creative way as she does.
But for now, I want no one and my life is confusing. I want to find myself - who I am, what I want, where I'm going. And I'm going to start now because I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of making my life second to the life of someone else. I'm tired of caring so much about another person's happiness that I forget to make myself happy. Maybe I'll discover it all next week. Or maybe I won't. I'm hoping I discover it in NYC in January. But maybe I won't. Perhaps at the new job I'm applying for? New Orleans? Morocco? Who knows? The point is I've got to start trying. I've got to start living.
The real story's all around you. Even now it surrounds you. Even now I feel the power.
I'm armed with my friends, my family, my God and some hope. We'll see how this goes...
The world exploded into love all around me.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I took everything out of my room. I got a new comforter. I'm painting my walls and rearranging my furniture. There will be new art and new books and new music. There will be new friends. new memories. new love. And part of me wants it so bad and part of me doesn't want to let go. And part of me is sad. And part of me is so angry.
And now I listen to I Nine as a break up cd (ironic) and to country songs from the likes of Emerson Hart and Keith Urban talking about taking your stuff and moving along. I listen to Beyonce replacing people and Leona Lewis tells me it will be better in time. Mostly I listen to John Mayer because I feel like he gets me. It's angsty hopeful.
Remember all those hours laughing on the floor? Those days of doing nothing felt like nothing did before. I tried flipping through these pictures of the way we used to be... God, I’d give up everything to save you and me. This is not how we used to feel and I wonder where you’ve gone.
I don't want to waste any time. He didn't. He made a life changing decision for me in a week. Why can't I do that?
I was driving over the bridge in the rain today listening to music as loud as it would go and on the off ramp my brakes locked up and my car shut off. And I thought that I don't want to die this way. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to leave this memory for people. I have so much to do and so much to offer. And I want to be ok. And I want to be happy.
So I put the car in neutral and started it up again. And I realized how quickly life changes. If that had happened in February when I got my car I would have died. I wouldn't have known what to do. I couldn't drive a stick - much less have known what to do when it malfunctioned. That wasn't very long ago.
So people change. Goals change. Abilities change. I just have to figure out how to keep that happening... "I don't think we can really understand how time passes. We can't study it like a river or tame it with a clock. Our devices only mark its coming and going... Some things have to end, you know. You feel like life is always leading up to something, but it isn't. I mean life is just life. It's all happening right now, and we aren't going to be any more complete a month from now than we are now... God breathed some spark into some mud that became us, and He did it for a reason, and I want to feel that reason, not some false explanation." - Donald Miller
I finished Through Painted Deserts. I think that was step one. And I'm listening to Matchbox Twenty - These Hard Times. Step two?
This same old box of letters used to make me smile, but now I just feel lonely... Have you fallen in a black hole? Somewhere there's a universe of missing love. What happened to the good times? What happened to the moments when we had so much? Where's the love?
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Oy with the communication already! Is anyone really good at it? At telling people the truth or how they feel? Why do people fake it or lie? Why do people keep to themselves what other people would understand or care to know? I would've cared. I do care. I wish I didn't, but I do.
I won't always love what I'll never have. I won't always live in my regrets.
Monday, August 11, 2008
"I wonder at what Paul said back in Portland, how God is good, how it doesn't do any good to run from Him because what He has is good and who He is, is good. Even if I want to run, it isn't really what I want - what I want is Him, even if I don't believe it. If He made all this existence, you would think He would know what He is doing, and you think He could be trusted. Everything I want is just Him, to get lost in Him, to feel His love and more and more of this dazzling that He does. I wonder at His beautiful system and how it feels better than anything I could choose or invent for myself." - Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts
Friday, August 08, 2008
"Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching, I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that's just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That's just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that... you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It's your destiny...
He probably was [your soul mate]. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it.
Your problem is, you just can't let this one go... So love him... So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him and then drop it... If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed."
And when I opened this book again, out fell my Delta itinerary and a receipt for an iced grande caramel macchiato in the San Antonio Int'l Airport. Ouch. $3.99. Can heartbreak be written off with the IRS? With anyone? For anything?
I really need to learn how to throw stuff away.
Maybe that's what I'll do now that I'm twenty-three. Let go. Let God. Throw away trash.
I read with every broken heart we should become more adventurous.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
I was laying down and reading Through Painted Deserts when Matt came into my house and broke up with me last week. (wow, seven days, it feels like yesterday and like an eternity at the same time and not much has changed, but everything has changed...) Anyway, it has been hard for me to do anything much less finish a life lesson book about Oregon. Damn Portland, Eugene and Corvallis - all mentioned by name in this book - all places we thought about moving.
But I picked it back up last night between shifts and read this:
"I have just been thinking how what we really want is for people to love us. God, girls [guys], friends, parents. It seems like life is all about stuff, you know? - I just feel like God put us here to enjoy Him and He gave us free will, so it's tough sometimes because people use their free will selfishly but I think He also created us to enjoy Him, that He is love, you know..." (says Paul to Donald Miller)And maybe that was my problem. Maybe I was too wrapped up in Matt and his happiness and his love for me that I wasn't enjoying God. I wasn't enjoying what He gave me. I was just waiting for the next step. I am here right now for a reason and God wants to manifest himself through me everyday. He was doing that and I wasn't paying attention or appreciating it - I was looking to two years from now. So He pulled me back. He brought me back to now.
And damn it hurts. And I cry everyday. And everything reminds me of Matt. And I'm sad. And I'm mad. And I ache for him. And I ache for me. But God calls me out of it to His purpose.
I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I promise.
And I know, I know you are changed now. I hope, I hope you're arranged out. But I'm still asleep and you woke me up again. And I'm still asleep, but you woke me up to be holy.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
And he says, "I know that."
That's the part that makes me cry.
We were meant to be. Supposed to be. But we lost it.
The more I know, the less I understand. And all the things I thought I figured out I have to learn again.
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak and my heart is so shattered. But I think it's about forgiveness. Forgiveness. Even if, even if you don't love me anymore.
I took an ambien last night so I could sleep without dream, but the first thing I thought of when I woke up was him. and the hurt. and the confusion. And that I would be late for my walk. I hate this so much.
"When prayer seems to be unanswered, beware of trying to place blame on someone else. That is always a trap of Satan. When you seem to have no answer, there is always a reason - God uses these times to give you deep personal instruction, and it is not for anyone else, but you."
I can't wait to be ok again. To know what I'm doing. To be myself again. To genuinely smile again at all my customers instead of having them trying to make me smile.
The girls at the bank gave me flowers and a card wishing me a hopeful heart and brighter days ahead. And I cried. But through all this, it's good to know that I have friends and family who care about me. That I have not just served coffee, but impacted people's lives - people who now think of me as friend and confidante and not just the barista. I'm glad that I could do that.
You are the love I need. You are the air I breathe. You are my love, my life. Always forever.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
abridged from August 5:
" '... and all things that are written by the prophets concerning the Son of Man will be accomplished.' ... But they understood none of these things..." Luke 18:31,34The problem is that sometimes God's purpose puts a pain in our hearts and clouds our minds. He doesn't do that to us - we do it to ourselves by allowing he Creator of Lies and the Author of Confusion to speak into our lives. To tell us we did something wrong. Or we're not worth it. Or we'll never find something better. And it's so hard to ignore. It's what wakes us up crying in the middle of the night.
God called Jesus Christ to what seemed absolute disaster... from every standpoint except God's. But what seemed to be failure from man's standpoint was a triumph from God's standpoint because God's purpose is never the same as man's purpose.
What God calls us to cannot be definitely stated because His call is simply to be His friend to accomplish His own purposes. Our real test is in truly believing that God knows what He desires. The things that happen do not happen by chance - they happen entirely by the decree of God. God is sovereignly working out His own purposes.
So, Lord, I pray that you protect my heart and my mind from the lies of the world. Fill me with nothing but Your Spirit and constant understanding.
Someone the other day told me they were mad at God for this - for letting bad things happen to good people. And I thought about it and decided what other choice did I have than to believe that this was part of God's plan? That this was a decision he made? Because if I don't have faith, then I have nothing except doubt and pain. And no one wants that.
I might have lost my way, haven't forgotten my way home.
Monday, August 04, 2008
Evidently I blog quite a bit when I'm upset.
Today I was wondering how you fall in love forever? How do you find that one person among many? How do you trust someone else with your heart when another person has been careless with it? How do you find someone else to complete your thoughts or understand your obscure references? How do you know if it's real when you already thought something else was?
I almost walked up to a happy looking young couple in Costco and said "Don't get too attached. It probably won't last."
And I wondered how will I enjoy the things I used to enjoy? Eat the food I used to eat? Listen to the music I used to listen to? How do you go on about things when they used to be so interwined with someone else? Am I supposed to share those things with anyone ever again? Or will they be lost forever? Or will I be too scared to lose them to someone else?
I mean, really, how do you keep going on when all you want to do is rewind?
This is what I found in Proverbs:
21 My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; 22 they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. 23 Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble; 24 when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. 25 Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, 26 for the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared.
And I want to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who has shared words of encouragement or support with me. Thank you to everyone who didn't say a word, but listened when I needed to speak. Thank you to those of you who just sat when there was nothing to be said at all. The response has been overwhelming.
9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. (Ecclesiastes 4)
I'm not okay yet. I'm not going to be okay today. Probably not for awhile. But, please, don't give up on me. I promise I'll come around again. I cried a little less today and even ate some food. Good signs, right?
And [there's] nothing left to do, but believe something bigger. And there’s nothing wrong with love. I know it’s just enough to believe.
I'm putting off the inevitable... I'm still in my pajamas.
I need to get up. I need to take a shower. I need to get dressed.
I need to go to work and back to real life.
Because maybe there’s no gray and I was wrong to tell them so. Then maybe all that I’ve to do was done a long time ago.
For the past couple of days I've been in a bubble surrounded by my close friends, my bed and a little lion who is oddly full of comfort. But now I have to do it by myself. I have to go back to my normal life even though a huge piece of my normal life is missing. And it hurts. My whole body aches and my heart clenches in my chest and I can't breathe. And my head spins and spins with questions. Maybe I did what I was supposed to do - played my role. And even though it hurts me - it was the Plan. I don't know. I may never know. I just want to know what to do now because I'm lost and everything I thought was wrong.
Cause I’ve been dressing up and dressing down for too many people. And I’m a little young to live like a troubled boy, a troubled soul, fish out of water. Cause we’re all just the same. We’re all just as good, and just as bad, and just as distracted by the corners of our eyes.
I need help. I need strength. I need You. Jesus. Come to my rescue. Help me walk. Help me face the day.
Sunday, August 03, 2008
when you thought you could rest, but you found out you were wrong and there's another need, another battle, another one more thing that comes along. and on the inside you hear the fall but you hate the falling sound. and on the inside you can't pick another broken piece up off the ground. well, I know.
hush little baby, don't say a word. Daddy's gone and bought you a great big heaven to rest in. He's bought it with blood and put the seal in your heart. it'll give you the hope you need to get up and start again.
when all the things you thought you left behind are still hanging on. and everything you try to do right ends up all wrong. and on the inside everyone else seems basically fine, but on the inside even they won't let go of the dead and cling to what's alive. well, I am.