and he woke me up again to say...

I think that when you're too comfortable (even in complete discomfort) that God likes to mix things up - keep you on your toes.

I was laying down and reading Through Painted Deserts when Matt came into my house and broke up with me last week. (wow, seven days, it feels like yesterday and like an eternity at the same time and not much has changed, but everything has changed...) Anyway, it has been hard for me to do anything much less finish a life lesson book about Oregon. Damn Portland, Eugene and Corvallis - all mentioned by name in this book - all places we thought about moving.

But I picked it back up last night between shifts and read this:

"I have just been thinking how what we really want is for people to love us. God, girls [guys], friends, parents. It seems like life is all about stuff, you know? - I just feel like God put us here to enjoy Him and He gave us free will, so it's tough sometimes because people use their free will selfishly but I think He also created us to enjoy Him, that He is love, you know..." (says Paul to Donald Miller)

And maybe that was my problem. Maybe I was too wrapped up in Matt and his happiness and his love for me that I wasn't enjoying God. I wasn't enjoying what He gave me. I was just waiting for the next step. I am here right now for a reason and God wants to manifest himself through me everyday. He was doing that and I wasn't paying attention or appreciating it - I was looking to two years from now. So He pulled me back. He brought me back to now.

And damn it hurts. And I cry everyday. And everything reminds me of Matt. And I'm sad. And I'm mad. And I ache for him. And I ache for me. But God calls me out of it to His purpose.

I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I promise.

And I know, I know you are changed now. I hope, I hope you're arranged out. But I'm still asleep and you woke me up again. And I'm still asleep, but you woke me up to be holy.