Tuesday, September 30, 2008

this could take all year

It would have been 2 years. And now it has been 2 months.

... but i feel alright so please don't get me rescued.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

i get my ends and my beginnings mixed up too

I read this in The Shack's newsletter:

"Expectations are funny things. It is our natural tendency to enter uncharted waters trying to anticipate what will await. And if I have learned anything in the last few months it is that I can't will something into existence by anticipation. I often miss out on what is real and in front of me because of the immense amount of control I have attempted to "claim" over the situation. Ha. More and more so I am seeing, being convinced and finding rest in that "all things God works for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose. - Romans 8:28" - Becky Freed

I like it.

I'm not in a bad place... just a weird place. I'm in a place where I need to decide what is important to me. It's not enough to believe something - I must be convicted of it. Evidently I have preferences, but lack conviction... I must follow through on thoughts and do something rather than allowing ideas to become stagnant because I'm preoccupied with busyness.

"Guard against the tyranny of the urgent. The most important things will seldom scream for your attention, they will simply wait for you to discover them. Things like prayer, Scripture study, cultivating friendships, thinking, enjoying art. The loud and demanding are rarely as important as these." - Charles Swindoll

We have begun to change into the worst kind of people. So unkind. Oh apologies, no apologies, this apology doesn't describe the way it feels to feel for you.

Friday, September 26, 2008

you weren't there. you let me fall...

P!NK - So What

So, so what? I'm still a rockstar. I got my rock moves and I don't need you. And guess what? I'm havin' more fun. And now that we're done, I'm gonna show you. Tonight. I'm alright. I'm just fine. And you're a tool.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

bad news never had good timing

I'm still here and I'm doing well.

I'm working and refocusing. And some things are still fuzzy. But I'm really excited about some stuff. And I think that I might be headed in the right direction.

Thank you for your patience. Really.

No, it won't always go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

which drink did my memory drown in?

so, if we're all guilty, then what's the point in pointing fingers, anyway? i'm no better, i'm just bitter, and i never got to say how it hit me when you told me...

i've got to face this now; i've got to take these walls down.

and it's dead. let it rest.
let's not let us go on about a future that's passed away. leviweaver.com

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

line up. line up. you're going.

Yesterday sucked. I actually cried. I haven't cried over much recently. It's like I was tapped out. But I was really tired. I worked until 2am, then came back to open the store and then again to close at BBW. I found out my car will cost two thousand dollars to finish fixing. I discovered some people really are just assholes. And Joe left yesterday. It was all very overwhelming.

But I have good friends and supportive family. And I ended my night on the porch and it was good. So, I don't have to worry. I don't get to be irresponsible, but I don't have to worry. (Worry about nothing. Pray about everything.) It's going to be ok.

The money is clean 'cause we scrub it good. With guns and gasoline we're gonna save the world. Nothing's obscene if we only close our eyes. Boys and girls, welcome to this joyride.

Monday, September 15, 2008

what a mess i make of my days

I feel like I'm being crushed and it's taking every ounce of me not to have a nervous breakdown.

Actually, that's not true. Every ounce of me has crumbled. The only thing keeping me from collapsing is God - which is crazy since I haven't been very attentive to him recently.

I don't feel strong at all. Everything here is wrong and it's not what you think.

His grace is sufficient. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. He is the love - the love that moves the sun and the stars and my heart.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

give me a reason to end this discussion

I used to rely on self-medication. I guess I still do that from time to time. But I'm getting better at fighting the future. Someday you'll be fine. Yes, I'll be just fine.

I guess we'll just wait and see what happens from here.

I'm living my life as best as I can... doing the best that I can with what I have. I hope that's enough. Sometimes it's frustrating, but I'm okay with taking this all slowly.

Tell me that you're alright. Yeah, everything is alright. Oh, please tell me that you're alright. That everything is alright.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

now everybody needs some time

my new digs. more.

And everybody knows.
The rest of it's fine.
And everybody knows.

The Dandy Warhols - We Used to be Friends.

good love is on the way

I've been lonely, but I know I'll be okay. Good love is on the way.

I shouldn't have had that double latte when I went from one job to the next today. However, I'm not completely sure that I would have made it through job two without it. Hmm. Oh well.

My laptop is broken. My car is broken. My Dave photo fell again. The mall was slow. I only made three dollars in tips. I don't get paid. I have zero dollars to do anything.

But I have really excellent friends and family. I love my jobs (for the most part). My coworkers and employees are amazing. I have a home and a comfy bed and delicious food and lots of caffeine.

Life always work out for the best even if you have to struggle to get there. He is faithful.

I'm doing things here.

Listen to: Antonia - Motion City Soundtrack.

My lover spoke and said to me, “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.” – Song of Solomon

Three years brokenhearted, but now her ghost is finally gone. Done with broken people. This is me I'm working on 'cause I know good love is on the way.

Monday, September 08, 2008

all the streetlights say nevermind

I don't think I'm gonna go to L.A. anymore. I don’t know what it's like to land and not race to your door. I don't think I'm gonna go to L.A. anymore.

I am organized chaos. Yes. I am.

Fall is coming. I felt it in the breeze today. I also saw it on my order sheet when I ordered pumpkin pie ice cream and pumpkin spice sauce. Yessss.

There are so many opportunities coming my way both professionally and personally. The work would have come to me anyway, but, I swear, being single has really opened my social network. Imagine that.

I'm not scared - just uncertain of what's around the next corner, but the good news is that it's not in my hands or in my timing. I just gotta do what I do and let God do what He does.

I finished reading Waiter Rant and there was this one part of the book that I really felt. And I wanted to share it with everyone because I don't think it's something we all need to experience (even though we all absolutely have at some point):

"The reason I've been fearful to utilize my talents is because I'm afraid of failure. I'm always waiting for disaster to strike, for the other shoe to drop. That's why I never opened that coffee shop. That's why my relationships have turned sour. It's why I'm still fearful my writing will amount to nothing. That's the real reason I haven't quit The Bistro. I'm afraid I'll fail if I try to do anything else." - The Waiter

Awful. And true. And difficult to overcome.

I went to Columbia over the weekend and realized that it is no longer my home (I'm not exactly sure where it is at moment). Sure, the city holds many memories, but I don't live there anymore. It's no longer the way we were - it is the way they are in a place that used to be ours, but now belongs to new people. And it is ok. I'm ready to let it go. (I think.)

On a more pleasant (not that the last subject wasn't pleasant) note, I'm now reading a Bob Dylan autobiography and my room is complete except for a new valance and I will be swapping out some art soon. It's all very urban ikea barn. I suspect a few of you understand that.

"I'd come from a long ways off and had started a long ways down. But now destiny was about to manifest itself. I felt like it was looking right at me and nobody else." - Bob Dylan

Also, I have a little bit more downtime this week. I plan on watching The OC on dvd and doing laundry and reading (my book and a new blog someone sent me) and spending time with friends.

I feel there was more to say, but I'm at a loss now. Oh well.

Listen to John Mayer (live) Where The Light Is.

I’m gonna steer clear. Burn up in your atmosphere. I’m gonna steer clear 'cause I’d die if I saw you - die if I didn’t see you there.

Friday, September 05, 2008

i crawled out from the pain of yesterday

I love Our Lady Peace.

My computer is broken. My brother is gone. There is a hurricane.

Everything else is business as usual.

Oh, I have taken up the addiction of The OC on dvd. I blame Adam Brody.

Also, I think there is nothing not to love about Diet Dr. Pepper.

Sometimes, I get really upset about being left at the time when I would need someone the most, but I realize that I am not at all alone. I have so many people in my life who care about me. Both near and far. I am so blessed.

And when I find myself lost. I can turn to Him. He knows me best. Thank God.

Other people's words...

I always liked the story of Noah's Ark and the idea of starting anew by rescuing the things you like and leaving the rest behind. [»] Zach Braff

Writing is a form of therapy - sometimes I wonder how all those, who do not write, compose or paint can manage to escape the madness, the melancholia, the panic fear, which is inherent in a human condition. - Graham Greene

Thursday, September 04, 2008

fill these spaces up with days

These years locked in my drawer,
I'll open to see, just to be sure.

I've worked thirty three hours in the past three days.

I wanted to come home, do laundry and go to bed early.

Not happening.

I can't sleep.
I can't speak to you.
I can't sleep.

Listen to: Azure Ray - Sleep & Jack's Mannequin - Into the Airwaves.

Hold my wine. Hold it in. Nobody's lost, but nobody wins.

Monday, September 01, 2008

summertime is over and i don't owe you nothing

I can feel the falling leaves filling up my vacant mind.

To begin, I'm never straightening my hair again after all the compliments I received today. It's too easy to wear it wavy and everyone likes it better. I think it works out best for us all.

It was a long 11-hour day. Tomorrow will be the same. I'm glad I work mostly with caffeine. And at least I'm always next door to it. *phew*

And I can't believe it's already September. Wow.

I hope excellent fall weather follows quickly. I'm so excited.

Today, a rather attractive foreign boy told me, "Finally. Someone who is good with milk." And another someone (who is somewhat of a critic) told me that I moved well at the machine and had really good milk skills.

These things made me feel good, but what I really took away from today was God really showing me I was there for a reason. This morning I was so annoyed to be there. It was Labor Day and all my friends were in Columbia and that's where I wanted to be, but I prayed that God would put me in a better mood and remind me that I was there for a reason. I thought that maybe I would make a difference today and that's why I had to give up a trip to see my friends. And then... tonight, a new friend of mine (who came into the store today and had received some particularly bad news while he was there) told me "Thank you for earlier, Erin. You really brightened my day - made it better."

And I knew that God puts us exactly where we're supposed to be whether we know it or not.

So that was good. I also had some decisions to make today. And I did. I'm not normally very good at that, but I had to decide what was best for me. What do I want? What do I not want? What makes me happy? Where do I want to go from here? I don't know all the answers to these questions, but I do know that God is good and faithful and knows the desires of my heart and if I follow him and what I feel like he is telling me, then I will be okay - even moreso, I will be happy and fulfilled.

I just have to be patient.

Cast your cares upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall. - Psalm 55:22

I can see September sun sinking in the autumn sky. If you want me to be gone, I've left already in my mind.