Wednesday, May 30, 2007

the world exploded into love all around me

An excerpt from (one of) the book(s) I'm reading:

As children we are always taught that we can do anything or be anyone. Life isn’t always that easy though: accidents tragically take loved ones from us, hearts are broken, dreams die, thorns in our flesh repeatedly pierce us, doors close, we experience unfulfilling jobs, people long for a child or long for a spouse, and we wake up and ask "where has the time gone? Is this where I thought I would be? Is this how I thought my life would be?" Life isn’t always what you expect it to be.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6).


My days are full. Life is crazy. And I went running tonight and listened to this song on repeat. I'm a fan.

Oh. Is our life just an illusion? There is no need to figure it out. The separation exists not in your love filled heart, but only in your mind.

Friday, May 25, 2007

it's just when it's summer in the city...

I found this picture on Matt's computer. I like it.

I have a lot of things I could say right now, but I'm tired, so I will leave you with this: Fireflies. They're like paparazzi for the trees.

And I'm glad I'm here.

... I start to miss you, baby, sometimes.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

so time will go and we may be far apart i know

22 Days until Bonnaroo. Tomorrow I don't have to work in the store. And the prices of gas and postage are ridiculous.

Cause I don’t think that we should ever feel the need to worry, ever get ourselves in a hurry. You know I love you. I know you love me.

My bed has a frame. My walls have pictures. My dresser and closet have clothing. Our storage unit has lots of excess. My mom has a bruise on her knee. I have a haircut. And the store is really clean.

Have I mentioned that I like Charleston? I do. I don't like working the mall. We're not mall people. But I do love making coffee. I made a lady a heart in her drink the other day. She really appreciated it. I like working with my mom, too. Her dedication is amazing. Not to her job. But to God.

Have I mentioned that I miss Columbia? I do. I miss Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights. I miss walking everywhere and living on the hill surrounded by all the people. I miss the windows in my room.

I'm looking forward to this weekend.

I am almost 23, confused with all the lines in between. They are dying to be read. Softly spoken. Simply said.

I think I stopped listening to God. I think I got scared. I stopped journaling too. I'm going to try again. Because I should. Because I need to. Because I want to. Because my life should be centered on Him. Not my job. Not my room. Not music. Not my family. Not my boyfriend. Not my friends. But if it is centered on Him all of those things will become infinitely sweeter. I know this to be true.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

Tell me do you believe in the girl that is me with her feet to your feet, well that’s all that I need.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

the end of fear is where we begin

I wish, wishing for you to find your way and I'll hold on for all you need. That's all we need to say.

I'm in Charleston and I've actually been pretty busy since I got here. There is a lot to be done for all sorts of things. I want things to settle down and for me to have a normal schedule so I can make normal plans with people and keep in normal touch with all of the people who need to be kept in touch with.

At times I feel like no one really notices that I'm gone - that people made a big deal about leaving and then don't care. Then there are times where I don't notice that I'm gone. This all leaves me very confused and slightly upset at the thought of not being missed. But also slightly hopeful. And sort of worried. So really I don't know what I feel.

With that in mind, things here keep getting easier. They don't seem so strange, I suppose. It's like it's all coming back to me and I'm discovering new things too. I went to the ICCB plant today and made some mildly disappointing latte art while trying new chai. I saw a wild turkey on the side of the road and went to Charleston Tea Plantation on Wadmalaw Island and bought fresh produce at a market which was also on the side of the road. Then I wondered what it will be like when I don't live in South Carolina anymore. And then I got lost downtown and found a cupcake store I would like to visit. I also decided I would like to live down there despite the potential flooding.

And I'm really grateful for Kt. I hope she knows that. I should probably tell her.

Now it's raining which is good because maybe it will make some of the forest fire smoke disappear and we can all breathe easier. And speaking of the climate... Live Earth: For a Climate in Crisis.

(Ok. The first picture is of the Wentworth Mansion - namesake of my very first ipod. I took it with my phone while driving. Unsafe. And the second picture is of a tshirt kt made me. She's very amazing.)

There's nothing we can do about the things we have to live without. The only way to see again is let love in.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

though endings are never ever happy

Once someone mused to me how strange it was that when you're in the middle of something big that everyone song seems to be written about you. They were right. I probably shouldn't listen to anymore music tonight, but that's just who I am.

My walls are empty. My drawers are empty. I feel a little empty. It's like I'm breaking up with my city and my home. I feel like everything is ending when in reality everything is only beginning.

My mommy is coming to help me pack. Right now. Because she loves me.

It's the happy moments along the way that, in the end, make it ok.

Friday, May 11, 2007

look me in the heart and tell me you won't go

Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love.

I finished college this week. Technically, I'm still an undergrad, but in my heart I'm an alumna.

I like summer. I'm glad I'm getting to enjoy a bit of it before I go. I went to Sumter on Tuesday. And assembled on the hill on Wednesday. And spent time in Lexington on Thursday.

Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows?

I would like to go to California. And Seattle while I'm over that way.

I'm finally good with moving to Charleston. I'm a little interested to see what my future is going to hold. Too bad it won't just call and tell me.

I don't really know what to say. I'm glad there are people who believe in me and encourage me. I hope people feel the same way about me.

Listening to: Tegan and Sara. Beck. Muse. Sufjan Stevens. And the cd Matt made me. (I like that boy.)

It's love that breaks the seal of always thinking you would be real happy and healthy, strong and calm. Where does the good go?

Sunday, May 06, 2007

your words in my memory are like music to me

It takes two listenings to Snow Patrol's Eyes Open to get from Charleston to Columbia. It also takes one cup of coffee and one mint Oreo Blizzard. And two conversations from my Mom telling me that I'm not going that far away and that I don't have to be excited about leaving.

I find the map and draw a straight line over rivers, farms, and state lines. The distance from a to where you'd b, it's only finger-lengths that I see.

Friday, May 04, 2007

we can conquer this great divide.

I started learning my new life today.

I packed up parts of my room and shoved it into my car and drove to Charleston. I keep feeling both happy and sad. I'm comfortable here. But it's a different comfortable. I like that when I leave the door open that the fat cats don't try to run away. They're cute. They make my eyes itchy.

I want a dog when I grow up.

I'm very thankful for Kt and Luke. And for vanilla bean creme fraps with peppermint and shots of espresso poured through the top. I'm thankful for books with happy endings. And for tofu cooked in tangerine sauce. Also for my family. I love them alot. And I'm glad I'm going to be so much closer to my Mom because I don't know what I would ever do without her. And for Hanson.

My Mom bought me a book. It's How to Learn to Play Guitar. Because I've always wanted to. And because she listens to me. And when she has more money she's going to buy me a guitar. Even if it never happens this may be the best gift I've ever gotten.

I feel sort of alone right now. People are out living their lives. Or being sick. And I'm sitting at a computer with two cats and an old dog while listening to music on myspace because its really all I have.

Oh well. I'll make due. I think I found a church to go to tomorrow night.

I got an A in my marketing class. I think that's the catharsis to my college career.

I find hope and it gives me rest. I find hope in a beating chest.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

I like Explosions in the Sky. I will really like the person who gets me more of their music. I hope that's some sort of incentive for someone who is reading this.

Also. I slept horribly last night. My phone freaked out and I had to start deleting texts and pictures so a new one could come in and it wouldn't stop making the ridiculous texting noise. And I was lying in bed so confused.

And I had weird dreams. I hate weird dreams.

AND. I'M AWAKE. And I've been awake for half an hour. Which means I only slept six-ish hours. Less than six-ish! My body would like me more if I let it sleep. And you know what I blame? That week I didn't drink coffee. If I had just stayed on the juice, then it still wouldn't affect me and I would be snuggled up with my comforter right now. Bah.

It's my last exam week. Ever. (That I know of... I hope.) Late night breakfast toniiiight! El Burrito for lunch todaaaaay.

Hey - look what I can do...

KCAE 030529Z 030606 VRB03KT P6SM SCT200
FM1400 VRB05KT P6SM SCT040
FM0300 06008KT P6SM BKN025

All I can tell from this is that it's going to mist today. And if you're interested says it is going to be 91 degrees. Ok. That's all I've got.

Have a good day!

i have no lid upon my head...

Today was so... Something.

Today I realized that I worry about things that aren't worth worrying about or that don't matter or that I have no control over. Sometimes I create problems in my head that don't exist in reality because I'm worrying over nonsense.

A cat tried to follow me home from Lexington. I found it at 378 and returned it. But let me tell you, nothing is scarier than hearing an animal in the back of your car at 11 at night.

I experienced my last Wired Wednesday tonight. Courtney bought me cake and coffee and we all finished a bag of peanut m&ms. Yum. It's weird that most of those kids are going to college and I'm leaving. I tried to imagine all of their futures in my head... I hope Denton gets a job. I want Danielle to have an amazing coffee shop. Megan should keep trusting God and never worry about her future. I think Grayson should make music forever and be famous for it. I think Brandon will miss me. And Courtney, well, I wish her the world. Oh my. Transition is fun. And scary. And always ok in the end.

I get to see my favorite Airman tomorrow. I'm very happy.

I know I have more to say, but it doesn't seem important right now. Going to bed seems better.

... But if I did you could look inside and see what's on my mind. Oh it's you.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

it's days like these that make us happy.

Today. Tonight. Tomorrow. These are the days.

I'm so in love with this place and the people here.

But the more I dread leaving, the more I realize that I have no idea what awaits me. Charleston is different now. My house is different now. It's not my home. I have to remeet the city and it's people and my job and a church and my life.

And there are people praying for it. And not just the people I talk to normally. The people I bump into at Starbucks or Immac randomly. Today was such a blessing through conversation and time with people. And through Joey's scones.

I thank God for giving me my time here in Columbia and giving me so many reasons and places to come back to. I thank God that these past four years have changed me and begun the equipping process for the rest of my life. It's hard to leave, but I know I have so much to look forward to... Whatever it may be, I'll find out soon enough.

Hours passing by with the beat one two. Said it's days like these kicking back just doing what we do.