Monday, September 25, 2006

but you turned me into somebody loved.

I let the day go by - I always say goodbye. I watch the stars from my window sill, The whole world is moving and I’m standing still. I thought of you and where you’d gone. And the world spins madly on.

I live in an ever changing city - where people come and go. Columbia rarely gets to keep the people it meets. Luckily, I'm different than a city. The goodbyes that are the hardest and mean the most are for the people who I will see again because they mean that much. Because they've shaped my life in that way.

It's hard to watch people come and go, but it's good to know that it's done with an intent that is unparalleled to most decisions I've ever made.

I hope one day that God takes me to these amazing places and uses me for all the amazing things I see him using my friends for. I'm overly blessed by the impact they (here or far away) have all had in my life.

To Miss Amy May - You are an amazing woman filled with more faith than I have ever seen. I pray for your travels, the work you're going to do and the lives you're going to change. Don't ever doubt yourself or what you're doing. Thank you for being a part of my life! I love you and I'll see you in a year...

All it takes is a little faith and a lot of heart, sweetheart.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

i am trying to say what i want to say

'cause I'm not scared,
but I'd like some extra spare time,

easily earn me big money.

My Dad worries about me. Cute.

Dad: Are you happy?
Me: You know... I am.
Dad: If I won the lottery tomorrow, I don't think my life would change that much. Sure, I'd buy a house on the beach and I'd go some places, but I like my life. Hell, I love my life.
Me: Me too. I mean, I get busy and tired. And sometimes I worry about things, but I'm very happy with my life and where it's going.
Dad: I'm glad to hear it. It's a good thing for a parent to hear their child say that.

What I'm listening to... Alice and Interiors - Manchester Orchestra, Snow (Hey Oh) - Red Hot Chili Peppers, Pictures of Success - Rilo Kiley, What I'm Trying to Say - Stars, 66 - The Afghan Whigs, On a High - Duncan Sheik, Better - Regina Spektor, Speeding Cars - Imogen Heap, Love You in the Fall - Paul Westerberg, Chicago - Sufjan Stevens, Not Myself - John Mayer, Gotta Have You - The Weepies, Shout Out Loud - Amos Lee, Girl in the War - Josh Ritter.

This has been an awkward week. I went running tonight to let it all out. Pilates just wasn't going to cut it. It was actually a really good experience.

I just remembered that in a week I'm going to Biloxi.

Life is crazy. I'm glad I had time to talk to my dad tonight. I'm glad I took the time to write this.

I swear I tried again. You're never visible on the weekdays when I need you to do what you can't afford to do.

Monday, September 18, 2006

i'm on a high (on a high)

We are the sea and the sky
and the blue that runs through it, yeah.

And there are some who say there are so many things I need
... so I run or I fight and I crawl or I scream and I bleed, I bleed, I bleed.

well, it's a lie it's a lie - don't you believe it.
if you're fine then you're fine - it's all how you see it.
oh, there never will be no conspiracy of happiness.

I'm on a high. I'm on a high.
And there's nothing more to it
I have the sun, it's a star, why should I refuse it?

and there are so many reasons I could give you why I should be down
there's not enough money or time and my love you're not around, around, around.

you're alive you're alive - how else could you hear me?
you are fine, you are fine - there's nothing worth fearing
'cause there never will be no conspiracy of happiness...

Sunday, September 17, 2006

love getting there as much as being there.

(Please, God, please. What happened to our dreams? We're losing hope so we invest in doubt to fill our vacant feelings.)

I woke up this morning and Wonderwall (Ryan Adams version) was playing on my computer. And I was bundled up under my comfy duvet with my cold pillows and my little lion. The sun filtered in through my half closed blinds. And I thought, "This is the life."

Then I looked over and saw all my textbooks. Its ok, I'm ready to take on marketing today. Yesterday I was taking (and making) every opportunity to procrastinate.

Suppose I said, I am on my best behavior. There are times I lose my worried mind.

The other day I met some girls who wanted chai with espresso. I told them how amazing that was and how amazing they were for appreciating that drink. They drink it in Asheville a lot - that's where they're from. We talked about how amazing Asheville is and about the wonderfulness of Old Europe Coffee Shop.

I can't wait to not be in school anymore and be able to work all week and take trips on the weekends and not have to worry about the marketing or accounting test I have in the upcoming week.

There is this pumpkin spice latte candle that I want at Target. I'm waiting. One, because it'll probably drop in price. Two, because I have to learn to wait on things that I want. I feel I've learned this on a somewhat larger level, but now I'm taking it down a notch.

Do yourself a favor and download the new iTunes (7). It's wonderful and free!

Suppose I said, colors change for no good reason. Words will go from poetry to prose.

I've been reading the journal book - Spilling Open - and it's inspiring. And scary. I could have written so many of those pages myself. I think I always just felt silly having those thoughts. Then someone published it! The girl who wrote it, Sabrina Ward Harrison, is thirty years old now. I kinda want to get some of her more recent books and see how I'm going to feel in the next nine years or so.

You know - I always look for inspiration in other people and things that are bigger than me. It's never occured to me to look for inspiration in myself.

I think I would like a digital camera. Maybe I'll buy myself one when I graduate next August.

Suppose I said, you're my saving grace.

My life makes me happy. And I really am - happy, that is. Sometimes I seem out of it or anxious, but I'm not. I'm just tired or distracted, but always very happy and very thankful. I hope I convey that.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

so tell me baby, can you shake it?

The weather today was spectacular. I got up and put on my Carolina sweatshirt and headed out in the briskness of the beginning of Fall. Oh. I love it. It's so perfect. Great things happen in the fall. I'm looking forward to this season.

Today, a man told me that I "looked like a vegetarian." Carole told me I had a nice nose and that being cute was my gift. And I found out that I have an admirer - I suppose that's what you would call him - someone who's eye I caught that I don't actually know.

Sometimes I feel like people give empty compliments, but today I think they were real. And they meant somethingto me, so that makes them important.

I've spent the last 24 hours in a whirlwind of emotion, but at the end of today I feel loved and appreciated. And I wish that everyone could feel this way.

Mmm. I'm finally listening to a cd that I got over spring break of my sophomore year. The Afghan Whigs - highly recommended.

I have lots of school stuff coming up. And some extra work hours. And I might start stopping by the Freshmen Girl's group to meet with them and maybe help out there.

In two weeks, I'll be in Mississippi. I remember when I couldn't even spell that.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

it's a luscious mix of words and tricks.

What is this mass confusion?

This crazy way we're living.
This emptiness we're passing out
like candycoatedwaterdrops.
I'm spilling out my thoughts.
You're spilling out your guts.

Today was long.
I don't know how else to describe it.
Good things. Bad things.

Special trips to Starbucks early in the morning.
A Stargirl gift on my front porch in honor of Fall!

And broken spirits.
It's always hard to admit, most days you feel like you don't exist. Oblivion is what you want, but you've been loved.

Broken bank accounts.
Seek first his kingdom and these things will be given to you. Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life.

Broken health.
Cancer research is the intense scientific effort to understand disease processes and discover possible therapies. Although understanding of cancer has greatly increased since the last decades of the 20th century, few radically new therapies have been discovered.


"All that's worth dying for is already dead." An empty religion you've learned to accept. When nothing means everything, your daily routine. You go through the motions like a helpless machine.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

maybe sometimes we feel afraid, but it's alright.

Three little birds sat on my window
And they told me I don't need to worry...

Blake Mitchell was arrested for assault. He punched a kid (I mean 19 year old bouncer) in the face out in 5 pts. No doubt it was after the guy harassed him about his less than stellar performance this past weekend. Or because he supposedly tried to bring in underage girls. Still. Now he's suspended indefinitely (from game action). I feel bad for him. Kind of amusing though. Spurrier said, "If he's not in jail he'll probably have his jersey on the sideline."

I did the super pilates tonight. Not as bad as last time. Thank goodness.

When it rains, it pours. It opens doors... Something something. It has been raining ALL DAY LONG. It's been all kinds of nasty and I was hoping to enjoy the 75 degree weather today. Boo. I did have coffee with Rachel though. That was quite lovely. Two hour caffeine happy hours seem to fly by with her.

Ok, this just in... Starbucks is going to have a new latte this season. The Maple Latte. With Maple drizzle. Canada already has it. Employees here already have it. I should've taken that interview. Darnit. What's the difference in a maple latte and a maple macchiato? Is it like a real macchiato? Why is it the same price? Is the drizzle like syrup? Tell me more. Tell me more.

Next week I have tests! Lots of them. Boo. Oh, I hate accounting. And business communications. And I think that's all for right now.

Did you know that Pluto is no longer a planet? They bumped it down. Now, what is my very educated mother going to serve us?

The man stuck it to us and Jammin Java is now ASCAP liscensed. How 'bout them apples?

Things my boss said today that made me go "hmmm"...
"You know, I think that to be a rockstar, you just have to sound constipated when you sing. And you can quote me on that."

"In a non-awkward, not gay kind of way, I've missed Matt Jones and his non-shoe wearing feet."

"No, I love the Oregano more. The water pressure is fickle."

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

sweet like candy to my soul

Matt is now in Phase III! Woot!
I can't wait to go to Biloxi - Ha, I never thought I'd say that.

I am now aware of the fact that the majority of my professors have set their ambitions a little high on their syllabi which throws off all planned studying and events in my life. I have no stability.

But I've accepted it. (Sort of.)

Ok. That's it. I can't remember. College is breaking my spirit. Every single day telling me things I don't know, it's making me feel stupid. (Marty, GG 5.09)

"You won't see Disney using dainty furniture. Why? Because of rugrats. You know, biscuit snatchers, curtain pullers." - Mr. Smoak

I have failed two quizzes this semester. The sad thing is that I read - just too far in advance to me to recall all of my vocabulary in 30 seconds.

I'm reading Enter the Worship Circle. It's my book of choice - finally. And I am determined to finish it. I keep stumbling across things that I've read at least six times before. Oy. Four years later and I will get to the end!

"We have a heart (it can be broken); we have a history (some of it not so good); we are often very demanding. We need a grand, legendary love just to deal with us. We are also convinced that it will take a miracle for someone to truly love us becuase we can scarcely love ourselves. When someone comes along and, after seeing all of us - the good, the bad, and the ugly - still offers unconditional love, we treasure them like no other!" - Ben Pasley, author of ETWC

Good stuff. And speaking of good stuff, it's almost time for pumpkin spice lattes. Fall, here I come!

Monday, September 11, 2006

here's to bacon sandwiches!

I do realize I don't eat bacon, but some people do. And they enjoy them. So, here's to them!

So, the homework itinerary really went bust, but I'm expecting a better week this week anyway. One with a little more time to breathe because I did alot of work in the past 7 days and now I won't have to play as much catch up.

If this plan doesn't work out, I think I'm going to quit school and harvest cranberries for a living. It just seems real cool.

Tonight I smoked my first hookah. Basically, it's a water pipe used for smoking tobacco - or I guess whatever you want, but, in my case, for smoking cappuccino flavored tobacco with mint extract in the base to create a nice "thin mint" flavor. It's nicer than smoking and better for you than smoking a cigarette and creates a whole new meaning for the term "social smoker" because you should really enjoy the people you're doing it with - it's a process.

Anyway. How 'bout that?

Today was a good day. I went to Strudel and realized that our states are in the shape of an elf (or chef, whatever, just give it some respeck!) and that I live in a sitcom. See you fools at Central Perk... Actually, we all just went to Barnes and Noble - which is where everyone goes on a Sunday evidently. Studying ensued. Boo.

Oh. Workshop tonight was good, too. It's so weird because I had just been wondering about how I connect with God. And if I do it enough. And how I can facilitate it more. And should I change that connection. So, questions were answered after a thirty minute lesson on cathedrals - but it did all tie in.

In the shadows of tall buildings, of fallen angels on the ceilings. Oily feathers in bronze and concrete; faded colors, pieces left incomplete...

This blog is all out of chronological order.

"I like you far too much for you to be a Fruit Loop girl. And you can quote me on that." -- Matt Jones

Saturday, September 09, 2006

it doesn't have to be perfect like a movie scene.

Tonight was an awesome end to a not so awesome week.

Matt Jones is wonderful and he takes care of me.
My Mannatech came in the mail today.
I skipped out on my homework itinerary...
for Hibachi Express and Wendy's french fries with Alison.
And then ice cream with Lou at the Slab.
(mmm. Cheesecake with blueberries and Oreos.)
And we watched a very good movie that left me wondering
but definitely not unsatisfied.

The weather today was wonderful. I can feel it. Fall, that is. It's coming. I'll give it until the end of the month.

Speaking of the end of the month, my Uncle is going to make some phone calls on my behalf. I talked to him for thirty minutes about the Air Force, class, boys and life after college. This never happens because there is usually to much other family stuff going on around everyone. It was nice to have a conversation with him.

I'm going to House of Prayer at 8am. If you need prayer, let me know. And not just tonight, I mean I'll pray for you anytime, but specifically at 8am.

Working tomorrow. 10am until 5pm. Doo dah. Doo dah. Then I'll do homework until I fall over. Oh the doo dah day.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

go ahead and lose yourself inside this opportunity

I have created a homework itinerary for myself. So far, so good. I'm determined to not get too behind this semester. There's not enough time to be behind.

Question. How come every time you come around my London London Bridge wanna go down?

But really. What does that mean?

New song to listen to - Work it Out, Jurassic 5 ft. Dave Matthews Band. Uh oh.

Don't stop stop your dreaming. Let yourself float upon the notion we can work it out. We gonna work it out, baby.

My first class was cancelled this morning, but I got up anyway and studied at Immac while listening to Yo-Yo Ma. Enjoyable. Then David joined for some studying. Then Fitzi came for coffee and conversation. I swear, everyday should start like that.

Now I'm just waiting for Business Comm to start. We have a quiz. Woot. And a group meeting tonight. Joy.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

cause i remind myself of somebody else

I'm restless.
But tired.
I can't help but think I'm forgetting to do something...
all of the time.

I'm waiting for fall with a playlist and some homework.
I oh so very much am enthralled by the new Thom Yorke album.

Class is alright. Work is better. Life is good.
I'm going to Biloxi! Mmmhmm. Excited.

I hate the new Facebook. And blogger won't upload my pics.

psalm 34.4
I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

Monday, September 04, 2006

leave me some words of wisdom

If you will go and not return, Leave me some words of wisdom. If I cannot follow where you go, I promise to teach what I have learned.

I finished Running with Scissors and am now considering 1984. Kt just finished it not too long ago and recommended it. Or Jarhead. Joe wants me to read that. I'm also reading six textbooks. And dabbling in Enter the Worship Circle and Blue Like Jazz - again. I want to read Searching for God Knows what, but it's out on loan.

Anyway. Back to the dabbling. I was reading some D.Miller words when I stumbled across some things I think are good for all of us to think about:

Your value has to come from God. And God wants you to receive His love and to love yourself too.

And so I have come to understand that strength, inner strength, comes from receiving love as much as it comes from giving it... And this is the prayer I pray for all my friends [to receive love] because it is the key to happiness. God's love will never change us if we don't accept it.

(Blue Like Jazz)

Saturday, September 02, 2006

every word you say i think i should write down...

I am very different from everyone else. I forget that sometimes. And sometimes it makes me nervous. And sometimes I remember, "It hasn't stopped anyone from lovin' me yet!" Or has it? Mmm. Does it really matter?

This morning I woke up at 7am panicked. I had this overwhelming anxiety in my head screaming that I was late for something or someone. I wasn't. It's Saturday and I didn't even have to work.

I got up anyway and went running because I checked and it said 65 degrees. And I'm not sure if I'm supposed to trust or if it even was 65 degrees outside, but I do know that it felt marvelous - the air that is, not the running after a month long sabatical from working out.

I cleaned my air filter this morning too. For some reason I feel that's worth mentioning.

I went shopping at Target, read about Thom Yorke and cursed the Post Office for not being able to give me the postage I wanted. Something about a machine something not working or something.

I went to HouseCoffee to study. I mean do homework. I mean drink coffee and read my book. And talk to Emily Franklin. She is a gem. And I don't say that about many people. We talked about summer and the Shack and the Kingdom of Heaven and work and boys and coffee. I should run into her more often.

I think I thoroughly convinced myself that this weekend, in fact, is just an extension of summer, so I don't have to own up to any academic responsibilities. It'll hit me at 6am on Tuesday morning. Until then, long live Labor Day!

I went to Wired Bean tonight with Alison and David. There was quite the music selection going on there. Courtney Jones was behind the counter this evening, and I have to say that girl makes one excellent grande nonfat half the syrup cookies and cream latte. I appreciate people with coffee skills. And now I have coffee to make this week. Whilst I was there I met the infamous Denton which made me happy and I read Running with Scissors which made me... disturbed. Huh. I'm not sure if I recommend this book to anyone and I'm not sure if I'll see the movie.

I googled the word coffee and this picture showed up.

Alright. I'm done typing about, but oh! Today was glorious. In the way only a day filled with coffee and friends could be.

... i don't want to forget come daylight. And no need to worry - that's wasting time. And no need to wonder what's been on my mind...

Friday, September 01, 2006

this is way beyond my remote concern

My hair is wavy. And long. I've got wavy, long hair. In the almost fall. I want it to be fall. So bad. Today's weather teased me to this longing. I had a hot soy latte from Adriana's today and listened to a whole bunch of music that screams fall. It's a strange obsession.

It's a luscious mix of words and tricks
That let us bet when you know we should fold.
On rocks I dreamt of where we'd stepped
And the whole mess of roads we're now on.

Right now, Matt is probably walking around in flip flops wondering just exactly he's going to spend his long weekend. Maybe on base. Maybe off base. It's up to him. And his flip flops. Happy.

This morning I didn't have to take a quiz or turn in homework. And I got two extra credit points for knowing how to calculate a person's BMI. So that's lucky.

I'm avoiding all sorts of school work tonight. I was flip flopping being on myspace, and reading Paste and Running with Scissors. Then David, Alison, Rachel and I went out to Lexington to eat at Riviera's because we decided we were tired of Columbia restaurants. Then Alison and I reminisced about the first time went there with Matt Jones - it was when I realized that Lexington was, in fact, it's own town and that I would probably never get Jones to jump into a body of water at night.

Anyway. Movie now. I think. We'll see. I'm tired. I probably won't make it. I can't wait until tomorrow.