Sunday, March 30, 2008

and it's beginning to get to me...

That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head.

They say everything happens for a reason. And what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. The hard part is not becoming callous or apathetic because it's so easy to find yourself there. I've done some difficult things recently. I've had some friends meltdown. I've listened to frustration with no end in sight. So, what do you do?

You hang on or let go. You decide whether you're in it for the long haul. You run the red light. You follow your bliss.

I wish life was simple and that everyone was happy and where they wanted to be and who they wanted to be with. I wish there was no doubt or disappointment or sadness.

I believe in happily ever after. I just wish it would hurry up.

We need to feel breathless with love
And not collapsed under its weight.
I'm gasping for the air to fill
My lungs with everything I've lost.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

so much to say. so much to say.

uh oh traffic jam.

A lot has happened. I've been busy. And continue to be busy. So many people and so many events to share and do. But I wanted to share one thing with you all (from a movie I have yet to see)... I hope you enjoy.

And I hope you're happier than a pigeon with a french fry.

Monday, March 24, 2008

and I can't react

Today was ridiculous.
New job. Scary.
Old job. Disappointing.
The real world is a crazy place.
I miss Matt.
I like good nonfat capp foam.
Tomorrow will be quite productive.

Take this sinking boat and point it home. We've still got time.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

beautiful are the words spoken to me

"Woman," he said, "why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?" Thinking he was the gardener, she said, "Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him."

Jesus said to her, "Mary." She turned toward him and cried out "Rabboni!"

Jesus said, "Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, 'I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.' "

John 20:15-17

And beautiful is the One who is speaking.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

when it all comes down you're cycling trivialities

43things helps me get things done.
So does the little tiny list I make everyday.

I'm going to enjoy this weekend.
I'm not going to stress out. I'm going to get things done.
I'm going to put away all my laundry.
And I'm going to clean my house while the family is away.

I have a lot of books. Some I bought. Some were gifts.
Some I would like to read. Some I should read.
And I'm not so sure about the rest...

To read: (finish) The Geography of Bliss, PS I Love You, Good Omens, Stuart: A Life Backwards, Oh the Glory of it All, The Nasty Bits, Captivating (all the way through), Sacred Sex (because my Mom wants me to), Kite Runner, A Long Way Gone, Everything is Illuminated, Stranger Than Fiction, 1984, Beach Music, Harry Potters 1-6, Jarhead (maybe, but Joe is deploying so maybe not).

There are other books on my shelf, but not that I have the overwhelming desire or guilt to read. Oh, Through Painted Deserts, too. Because that belongs to Bob - Sorry, Bob.

But, yeah, so that's a lot of books. I need to get cracking.

I got a new job. I'll be working at Bath and Body Works to get some time away from Wholly Cow. Mostly so I don't have to pay myself - makes me feel bad. And then I can give others more hours that they want.

I miss Matt. I'm glad he gets to do Honor Guard and that he's taking classes, but I miss him. One day, we will live in the same city again and it will be great!

I want to take a hot yoga class. Anybody with me?


Don't know which way to turn. Every trifle becoming big concerns. All this time you were chasing dreams, without knowing what you wanted them to mean.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

don't let your soul get lonely child

It's only time, it will go by. Don't look for love in faces, places. It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness.

Growing up and moving on. Holding on and letting go. All these things require a delicate balance. Work. Home. Relationships. Hope. Expectation. Things aren't always as they seem or as you would like. Sometimes you have to continue forward in the direction of your life.

I realize this is all very vague, but these are all thoughts that have come to fruition over the past hour and a half of some good and frustrating conversation... I write about this a lot.

I mean, a lot of problems are with myself. Maybe I should stop allowing other people to affect me and I should build my wall up tall and strong again. Maybe I need less talk and more action. I don't know. I suppose I'll figure it out one day. Soon. I hope.

I'm not upset or mad. I'm just confused. Perhaps that's life as a twenty-something.

Don't lose your faith in me and I will try not to lose faith in you. Don't put your trust in walls 'cause walls will only crush you when they fall.

Be here now, here now.

Monday, March 10, 2008

we ain't together, but you stay with me

The Fellowship of the Believers
They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved. [Acts 2:42-47]

Friday, March 07, 2008

but there is none

I couldn't find you last night for quite some time. Wishing to tell you everything running through my mind.

"I love my family so much. But, to love just isn't enough. It must be active, constantly active and often spoken." - G Curry

Satiate my mind and calm my nerves to look and find words that aren’t enough and never show a single piece, a single piece of my mind.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

'cause it's all in my head

Maybe it's because Hanneke left.
Maybe it's because of the cd I found from 11.22.2004.
Maybe it's because of discussion of old flames.
Maybe it's because of the old blog entries about old friends.
Maybe it's because I wish I had finished that poli sci minor.
Maybe it's because of the reality of the present.

I am mourning the loss of my freshman and sophomore years of college.

I think about it over and over again. I can't go on not loving you.

Monday, March 03, 2008

there's a corner of your heart for me.

I started my cleanse today.
And I quit my cleanse today.

I would rather starve myself than drink that mix.

And that's not healthy.

I have a massive list of things to do tomorrow. Ack.

Tonight, Rebecca and I read It's Not Easy Being a Bunny and If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. Simple for both of us, yet so enjoyable.

Sometimes I think its not fair and I want to forget all of my past and all of your past and live only right now in this moment. Is that silly?

There's one minute of your day. I will leave this man just to occupy one minute of your day. Just to occupy one minute of your day.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

i like it in the city when two worlds collide

I've been walking in the same way as I did... "I ain't lost, just wandering."

Yesterday, I watched two movies. Well, one and a half. And they were both about having affairs. They both made me very upset. So upset that Matt offered to let us leave The Other Boleyn Girl. And the other movie was called Unfaithful (I think) with Diane Lane and Richard Gere. I fell asleep during it.

Both were depressing and involved fatal head injuries. I'm longing for a good cinderella-esque movie where everyone lives happily ever after.

I would like to live happily ever after.

Matt came yesterday - very early - and I enjoyed every moment. I didn't cry when he left. I just watched that stupid Unfaithful movie and then when my mom asked me if I was ok, all I could say was "I miss Matt." Being a girl is ridiculous sometimes.

I had the honey latte at Starbucks. Tall two pump nonfat. It was good. I would drink it again. Not for the next ten days because Kt and I are doing a cleanse. I'm a little worried, but I still want to do it.

I'm being made over on Tuesday.

And I think I successfully locked our wireless internet, but, in the process, locked my computer off the network. Ugh.

I feel trapped.

Round my hometown, memories are fresh. Round my hometown, ooh the people I've met are the wonders of my world.