Sunday, December 23, 2007

hurray, hurray, i'm your silver lining

"My friends and I had reached the age when we had the great, good fortune to be living out some of the dreams we'd had when we were young. Now, we were discovering the truly hard part: the realities.

Having a new baby made you psychotic with exhaustion and self-doubt. Professional success could make you delirious with insomnia and anxiety. Living abroad rendered you lonely and infantilized. And no matter what road you took, you still had to brush your teeth every morning, pay your bills, do your damn laundry, worry about taxes, check your breasts for cancer, argue with your loved ones about whether to defrost the refrigerator. Nobody, after all, it seemed, was exempt from banality.

... This was it. I was doing something I'd dreamed of. I was living in the middle of the world, and all of us were in it together, each one of us extraordinary and yet, really, no different from each other. I flung my arms back and for a minute, it felt like I could levitate. Then I laughed, loudly, like an American. Like a defiant bride. Like a seven-year-old girl with a rhinestone earring clipped to her nose. I had absolutely no idea what would happen next. But then, I suppose, no one ever does."

-- Susan Gilman, Hypocrite in a Pouffy White Dress
The end.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

this is the war that's never won

I do not have the Christmas spirit. I wish I did, but I'm too stressed out. I'm tired and cranky and touchy about everything. This is not what the holiday season should be like.

I'm jealous of the people who are traveling or are spending time celebrating. I know my time will come, but it seems so very far away. Maybe that's because I've been awake for about twenty or so hours now. Or that I just watched Spanglish and that's a bit emotional.

Everyone in our house (and that's a lot) is so busy and everyone else I care about seems so very far away. I hate not being close. I hate reading about people's lives online. I hate that I keep everyone up to date through my blog.

I also hate holiday shoppers and mall traffic.

I would like for a moment to be able to stop worrying about customers and milk and scheduling and to be with my friends and family and boyfriend and just be.

And I'm not really upset - I'm just adjusting. I'm not used to being an "adult" with responsibilities. I'm not used to having a boyfriend I want to spend time with. I'm not used to my friends living more than five minutes away. I'm not used to having extra people live in my home. And I am certainly not used to not having Christmas Break. I wasted 22 years of Christmas Break. I never appreciated it until now. Blah.

Pictures of you. Pictures of me. Remind us all of what we used to be.

Monday, December 17, 2007

(in slow motion) the blast is beautiful

every evening sirens call -
Hard Sun - Eddie Vedder
Question - Old 97's
Always Forever - Phil Wickham
Near to You - A Fine Frenzy
Clean Getaway - Maria Taylor
All We Are - Matt Nathanson
Pulse - Ben Jelen
English Summer Rain - Placebo
Somewhere a Clock is Ticking - Snow Patrol
Turpentine - Brandi Carlile
You'd Make Time - Steven Fiore
That I Would Be Good - Alanis Morisette
Intuition - Feist
Vienna - The Fray
Breathe - Alexi Murdoch
Sister - Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds
Lost - Priscilla Ahn
Much Farther to Go - Rosie Thomas (and Sufjan)
No One Loves Me Like You - Jars of Clay
Silver Lining - Rilo Kiley

After much deliberation, these are the songs that have accompanied me from May until now. There could be more, but no one needs an Erin moved to Charleston boxset.

Girl: Cow tipping is illegal, right? I mean, when you push them over they die, right? I mean, they can't get back up and they just die.
Other Customer: What are you talking about? They can stand up. They're not turtles...

It's beginning to seem a lot like Christmas and I'm beginning to feel hostile towards cranky mall employees and rushed shoppers. Kt told me I was snarky.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

she woke from a dream

I am obsessed with this puppy and this song. I found it on a random blog that I read - Posie Gets Cozy - of a girl who lives in Portland.

He took her by the hand, walked her back home. They took the long way.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

stay or leave. i want you not to go.

peace. it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

the sun will heat the ground under our bare feet

Sometimes I really despise being responsible for a business. Especially when it comes to buying and programming new cash registers. And when they have to cut the water off at the mall in the morning. And when there is franchise drama. Boooo.

I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick where you will sit and contemplate your day.

Someone asked me for some Christmas ideas. And, while I hate telling people what I would like for any occasion, I have decided to oblige:

A pedicure
Grey's Anatomy Seasons 1&2
Gilmore Girls Season 7
Giftcards: GAP, Target, Starbucks, Barnes and Noble, Gas stations
Almost anything from this website
Tea from Teavana or Yogi Tea
Green tea chocolate (if you can find it)
The Last Unicorn on dvd - yes, it is a cartoon. Don't mock my childhood.
DMB Live at Piedmont Park
A Macbook Pro
A new car - something with sexy gas mileage, please
An iPhone/dollars to break my contract with Suncom

And that's really all I can think of at the moment, although I am sure there is more that I have mentioned to you all recently.

I've been coughing so hard that my abs are starting to hurt. It's awful.

Last night, before I went to bed, Matt read me a bedtime story over the phone. He even described the little illustrations for me. It was adorable. I love him.

I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat with the collar up so you won't catch cold.

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town and kiss you on the mouth. We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene, start a brand new colony where everything will change.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

i declare my room a scene

Waiting for attention. I'm not. Cut it to the left and I rock.

I was sickish this past weekend, but it was good. I really like the new Jimmy Eat World cd. I also really like my boyfriend. A lot. A lot. You know, just in case any of you were worried.

I'm at work right now - a little slow. I'll get busy in about 11 minutes. No lie.

I have my computer here because the power at our house is being sketchy. I think it may be posessed. Someone is supposed to come look at it today. I kinda like living by candlelight in my room.

And speaking of things that need to be fixed... Our cash register is still a little cuckoo because we've been waiting since Friday to have it repaired. I tell you those people have terrible customer service skills.

And two of my favorite customers are gone. They went back to Israel today. Yesterday night, they came by and left me a note and a gift. It was very nice. They said they'd think of me every time they drink coffee, but it will never be as great.

I don't like it when people leave. Especially people who are nice. If Jacob leaves, I'm screwed. I don't know who will entertain me. Yesterday, he sang you are so beautiful to me at the counter. Loudly. Very loudly. It was hilarious. Old people think he's a bit crazy.

Yup. Just got busy.

I got my hair cut. I don't really like it. Everyone else seems to enjoy it. Even strangers.

The cash register man just came too. Lovely little old man. He offered me a job as a POS system programmer. Funny.

Rumor: Bonnaroo 2008 will have Led Zeppelin assuming it doesn't intrude on the Robert Plant/Alison Krauss Tour. (I would love to see either of those things.)

Grey's Anatomy comes on tonight and Thursday. Wooo.

Need an invitation. I don't. Slide it to the right and I roll.