Wednesday, July 30, 2008

like a rolling stone. no direction home.

It rains here often. It's sort of annoying when you're running errands. Oh well.

I'm trying to be more understanding about my situation and everyone else's situations. It's not easy because I'm (almost) twenty-three years old and everything is about me right now.
Claire: I would like to know what is at the center of your world.
Robbie: Center of my world? Wow, you're no monkeyin' around.
Claire: Why? It's very simple, this question.
Robbie: Hm, well, I'm 22. I guess I would say me.
Claire: I suppose you are honest.
Robbie: Don't you think that you're the center or that you should be the center? Thinking with your own head, talking with your own mouth?
Claire: Yes, but there are things in the world, too, that are important.
(This is from the movie I'm Not There. Robbie is supposed to be Bob Dylan.)

I don't really have a point to this blog. I just want people to know that I'm trying. Or maybe to remind myself that I'm supposed to be trying. I'm not sure. Being intentional is much harder than one would think.

Just remind me if I'm being unreasonable, disbelieving, unforgiving or just complacent. Sometimes I need a good swift kick. I promise I won't hold it against you.

My love to you all.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

i will go in this way and find my own way out

Do you do things incidentally? or intentionally? What's the difference? And does it matter? Does it matter if you present the moment or if you wait for the moment to be presented? Probably.

1.happening or likely to happen in an unplanned or subordinate conjunction with something else.
2.incurred casually and in addition to the regular or main amount

in·ten·tion·al –adjective
1.done with intention (an act or instance of determining mentally upon some action or result) or on purpose; intended
2.of or pertaining to intention or purpose.

"We all want to help people... but for most of us we just don't know how to shift the gear from incidental to intentional." - Paul Rienzo

"You know, sometimes living the in the suspense of what's going to happen is what's required when you live an intentional life." - Paul Rienzo

"... and it's just like I'm standing on this cliff, looking out into this huge, foggy... like, a huge, foggy abyss, and, in my whole life, there's never been an abyss. It's been abyssless. I've always known exactly what is in front of me, and I've always known exactly where I'm going, and now...I don't know what's out there... and I hate not knowing what is out there. I mean, what's going to happen to my career and my relationship... and the rest of my life?" - Episode 7.07

He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation." Mark 16:15

Saturday, July 26, 2008

how can you say your life is empty?

This has been quite the busy week.

David and I were discussing the past, present and future the other day and he asked me if I was happy. I didn't know what to say, so I told him I wasn't unhappy... But I'm not sure that it's the same thing or if I even answered his question.

Hmm. Well, I'm late for work.

Pain comes in stages. If we don't make it, nothing changes.

Friday, July 18, 2008

but don't think twice, it's all right

I started this blog several days ago (Friday). And now I will finish it even though I'm in a completely different mood. Which is also why I changed my dots. I love the dots, so I didn't want to get rid of them and my only other option was "dark dots" so that's what I went with.

If you read the back of a goldfish (the crackers) package at the ingredients, the first thing it says is "made with smiles". I think that's funny. Charming, even. But probably a lie.

Firefly vodka has new Sweet Tea flavored vodka. I love it. If you would like to purchase my poor self a bottle, I would appreciate it. Kt's apartment went through a huge bottle in two days. We also finished off two thirds of a handle of tequila. And had soy white russians and mimosas for breakfast. And cupcakes at midnight. It's a lush life.

She also has a naked neighbor. No lie.

So, I've mentioned before that I don't take most of the pictures on my blog and that I particularly like keeping up with this girl Leslie who is doing a 365 picture blog. Well, she has this video up now that she needs to be hit with a lot of views, so if you could do that for her, well, I think she would really appreciate it. It's about green tea.

This is a picture from London by someone who I don't know. And it's of a Pearly King. It's interesting to read about them if you have some time on your hands.

an excerpt from Through Painted Deserts:
"I think to myself about the weight in my pack. Last night, Paul and I talked a bit about the stuff that we carry with us, all the weight we walk around with, emotional baggage, thinking we need stuff we don't need. We weren't getting very deep or anything, but I keep thinking about it, and how much stuff I walk around with, about how life is a dance and God just meant for us to enjoy life, not get bogged down in sin and religion. Just be good, it seems like, is the point of life; be kind to people; don't hate anybody; forgive people because we all make mistakes. I know there are always going to be exceptions to this kind of thinking, but it seems like life would be better if we could just let go of the thought we need more and more stuff to be happy, more and more the approval of others."
Kt bought me a new Starbucks smoothie the other night. It was Orange Mango Banana. I liked it, but I feel like it defeats the purpose of going to Starbucks since they are a coffeehouse. But whatever. Next time I think I'll add matcha to it.

Speaking of smoothies, I've been drinking a green one everyday to boost my health. I'm talking I add spinach and cucumbers and kiwis and other fruit in a blender and then drink it. Surprisingly good. Except for celery. I don't like it in smoothies.

I hate hiring people. Anyone in Charleston want a very part time job?

So today (Monday) was pretty sucky. I didn't sleep well last night. The store didn't look good this morning when I came in - there was a lot for me to do. Then it started to hail and look all hurricane-esque outside. And blah blah blah. Oh well, right?

And we're out of stamps! How am I supposed to send cards to people without stamps?? Oy.

It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe. It don't matter anyhow.

the answer is blowin' in the wind

Last night I watched Factory Girl - it was about Edie Sedgewick "an ambitious starlet who becomes the muse of Andy Warhol. Heading for New York City's bright lights after dropping out of college in 1965, Edie meets pop-culture icon Andy, who turns her into the toast of the town. But she soon discovers that glamour and fame have a price." I loved it.

And now, after it, I hate Andy Warhol - who I hardly knew anything about outside of the pop art section of my art history book.

And I am now obsessed with Bob Dylan (who Edie was involved with at some point in her very short life... She died when she was 28.)

So, I've been listening to a lot of Bob Dylan. And I ordered Chronicles Volume 1. And I can't get enough of The Drawn Blank Series.

How many times must a man look up before he can see the sky? Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have before he can hear people cry? Yes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows that too many people have died? The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind.

I have more to say about other things, but I'll save it for another post.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

i'll hang on, grab onto your feet

Not now, but soon, the most beautiful light will wake us to pillow fighting excitement.

Oh, is it nothing's anymore? Terrifying. Best, days of our lives. We're hanging on the best days of our lives. Today's about the best days of our lives. Oh, they're coming right up. If we can just get through this one.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

that's just the way it looks from where i'm standing

I guess I'm growing up.

Decisions are made.
Cities are chosen.
U Hauls are rented.
Education continues.
Businesses are owned.
Cars are bought.
Cars are broken.
IRAs are opened.
Pasts burn down.
People get engaged.
People get married.
People have babies.
Schedules fill quickly.
Phone calls get missed.
Trips are fewer.

God is definitely telling me something.

I guess I'm growing up.

Let it fall. Let it come down. Let it crash around you.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

however small the first step is hardest of all

Where the Hell is Matt?

This video makes me so happy. And when I watch it I feel like there is hope for all of us. (If you go to the website or the youtube page, then you can watch it in high quality...)

Stream of Life
by Rabindranath Tagore

The same stream of life that runs through my veins night and day
runs through the world and dances in rhythmic measures.

It is the same life that shoots in joy through the dust of the earth
in numberless blades of grass
and breaks into tumultuous waves of leaves and flowers.

It is the same life that is rocked in the ocean-cradle of birth
and of death, in ebb and in flow.

I feel my limbs are made glorious by the touch of this world of life.
And my pride is from the life-throb of ages dancing in my blood this moment.

"... wondering out-loud if there is more to life than nine-to-five jobs, than the ruts the entire world seems to be stuck in."

if you give you begin to live. you get the world. you get the world. if you give you begin to live. you might die trying.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

I took a fall and found out I could bleed

These days I'm afraid of everything. Suppose cause everything will die. Thought it was to love what they will lose. So much easier to lie.

I lied. I was having a good day. A great day, even. And then I remembered that I was (subconsciously, evidently) upset. And then I was (surprisingly) bitchy. And then I started to cry. (What! Why was I crying? I didn't even know I needed to cry! Seriously?? Being a girl is ridiculous. Guh.)

Being out of control is like a constant back pedaling cycle. I'm doing good, then I get upset and then I have to start all over again. Hi. My name is Erin. And I wish everything was the way I wanted it.

That's just silly.

I'm reading Through Painted Deserts.

"I tend to think life is about security, that when you have a full year's rent, you can rest. I worry about things too much, I worry about whether or not my ideas are right, I worry about whether or not people like me, I worry about whether or not I am going to get married, and then I worry about whether or not my girl will leave me if I do get married. Lately, I found myself worrying about whether or not my car was fashionable, whether I sounded like an idiot when I spoke in public, whether or not my hair was going to fall out, and all of it, perhaps I bought into Houston, one thousand square miles of concrete and strip malls and megachurches and cineplexes, not of it real." - Donald Miller

At least I'm not the only one.

I'm just supposed to be better than this. I'm supposed to be calm and secure and happy. I'm not supposed to freak out or cry or worry.

At least I have a life worth worrying and crying over. Yeah?

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Actually it's more like most of the time. But every now and then when I'm sleeping, I still have a dream that I'm flying.

you and me have a better time than most can dream

Kt said, "I think I'm happier now."
"Is it the caffeine or the shelves?" I asked.
She replied, "I think it's you."

Hey, my friend, it seems your eyes are troubled. Care to share your time with me? Would you say you're feeling low and so a good idea would be to get it off your mind...

Monday, July 07, 2008

thinking about another day...

... wishing I was far away. Wherever I dreamed I was - you were there with me.

I'm the worst reader. I never finish any books. Never! Ugh.

And it was a really good book too. I'm not ending it. I'm just adding other books. I'll come back to it eventually...? It's not the books. It's me. I'm noncommittal. Eek.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

You know that feeling you get where all of sudden you think that you've been going about this - life, work, thought, relationships, future, health - all wrong? That's me. Right now. I'm not sure if it has been creeping up on me or if it was instantaneous.

I usually respond to this feeling quickly - like putting a band aid on a cut. I'm not really letting anything heal, I'm just covering it up to make it better... Perhaps, this time, if I take more steps with more precision and right mindedness, then I will make a change and there will be no scar left from the cut.

Does this make sense?

One day at a time, I always say. Which is a lie. I never say that. I only tackle several days a time. And forget what life is really all about. Damn. Darn. Shoot.

Slow and steady wins the race. I want that to be my motto.

I need a bedtime.

I hope you always know it's true that I would never make it through 'cause you could make the sun go down just by walking away.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

We will cross the mighty ocean into Charleston Bay

This! This was totally worth waiting in line at 6am. This was my finest hour. The moment I've been training for my entire life.

Seek Up *
Old Dirt Hill *
Best of Whats Around +
Crush *
You Might Die Trying *
#41 *
Everyday *
Corn Bread *
Sail Away ~
Sledgehammer *
Ants Marching *
Sister ^
So Damn Lucky *
Louisiana Bayou *
Crash Into Me *
So Much To Say *
(Anyone Seen The Bridge *)
Too Much *
Hey Hey My My
Tripping Billies

All Songs With Tim Reynolds
All Songs With Rashawn Ross
* Jeff Coffin

Sugar Will
The Best Of What's Around
Too Much
Sugar Will

+ No Horns
~ Dave, Carter and Tim
^ Dave, Tim, Carter and Rashaw

via. because those people are awesome!

My favorite song! And Matt's favorite song! And Kt's! Perfect!