These days I'm afraid of everything. Suppose cause everything will die. Thought it was to love what they will lose. So much easier to lie.
I lied. I was having a good day. A great day, even. And then I remembered that I was (subconsciously, evidently) upset. And then I was (surprisingly) bitchy. And then I started to cry. (What! Why was I crying? I didn't even know I needed to cry! Seriously?? Being a girl is ridiculous. Guh.)
Being out of control is like a constant back pedaling cycle. I'm doing good, then I get upset and then I have to start all over again. Hi. My name is Erin. And I wish everything was the way I wanted it.
That's just silly.
I'm reading Through Painted Deserts.
"I tend to think life is about security, that when you have a full year's rent, you can rest. I worry about things too much, I worry about whether or not my ideas are right, I worry about whether or not people like me, I worry about whether or not I am going to get married, and then I worry about whether or not my girl will leave me if I do get married. Lately, I found myself worrying about whether or not my car was fashionable, whether I sounded like an idiot when I spoke in public, whether or not my hair was going to fall out, and all of it, perhaps I bought into Houston, one thousand square miles of concrete and strip malls and megachurches and cineplexes, not of it real." - Donald Miller
At least I'm not the only one.
I'm just supposed to be better than this. I'm supposed to be calm and secure and happy. I'm not supposed to freak out or cry or worry.
At least I have a life worth worrying and crying over. Yeah?
Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Actually it's more like most of the time. But every now and then when I'm sleeping, I still have a dream that I'm flying.
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