Thursday, May 29, 2008


Today was good. good. good.
Sunday has a distinct possibility of good.
Next week is going to be INSANE!
I'm thirteen days away from Bonnaroo 2008.

New music: Margot and the Nuclear So and So's. I'mNotThere Original Soundtrack.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

i lived it full and i lived it well...

I am a romantic. And I am idealistic. And I am a mess.

Disney, network television and film did not provoke this (though they often fuel it). I have been this way for a very long time. My mom and dad(s) told me I could be anything I wanted to be. That I deserved the best. That I could do anything I wanted to do. That I could have anything I wanted to have if I wanted it enough.

And everyday I'm a little closer to knowing what all those things are. I'm finding out by trial and error. My mistakes. Your mistakes. My successes. And yours. (Admittedly, also those of television and movie characters...) But they are all baby steps closer to who I want to be - to the life I would like to live.

I want my own happily ever after. I want to be extraordinary.

I want my future to be bigger than my past.

... as many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now. I'm ready now.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

well, the rain keeps on coming down

... It feels like a flood in my head.

I'm tired, but not sleepy. Ack.

I just got home from second job. I like my second job. I spend a lot of money at my second job. Oh well.

I'm reading a biography called Fat Girl by Judith Moore. Sometimes it makes me cry.

I want to make a cd, but I keep getting distracted by other music. Aaaand I learned my lesson about putting song lyrics up on Facebook. Sheesh. Sorry for the confusion folks.

I'm listening to the Garden State Soundtrack. I love it.

And it's a winding road. I've been walking for a long time. I still don't know where it goes.

On Saturday, I'm going to sleep. sleep. sleep in. Maybe. Unless I have prior commitments that I don't remember.

I really would like some box macaroni and cheese. I have such strange cravings sometimes. Its too late for me to make that.

I need to make a list of things to do tomorrow - like go to Costco! Ah!

"A lap is an illusion." That's all.

And I can smell the ocean, the salt in the air. And I can see you. You're standing there.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

barefoot in the shallow creek

... i've still got miles to go.

i want to know my fate
if i keep up this way.

it's hard to want to stay awake
when everyone you meet,
they all seem to be asleep.

and you wonder if
you're missing your dream.

you can't see... [Bixby Canyon Bridge, DCFC]

Saturday, May 10, 2008

mine is about as good this far


I finished reading The Geography of Bliss not too long ago. I forget to mention it. Perhaps, I meant to not mention it. I'm not exactly sure. The subconscious is a strange thing. Anyway... I finished it (finally) and was quite pleased with the lack of answers found in the book. I was also glad to see Asheville thrown in at the end, but am now fearful of it progressing. Go figure.

Here are some of Eric Weiner's parting words...

"... only a fool or a philosopher would make sweeping generalizations about the nature of happiness. I am no philosopher, so here goes: Money matters, but less than we think and not in the way that we think. Family is important. So are friends. Envy is toxic. So is excessive thinking. Beaches are optional. Trust is not. Neither is gratitude."

"Of all the places I visited, of all the people I met, one keeps coming back to me again and again: Karma Ura, the Bhutanese scholar and cancer survivor. 'There is no such thing as personal happiness,' he told me [Eric]. 'Happiness is one hundred percent relational.' At the time I didn't take him literally. I thought he was exaggerating to make his point: that our relationships with other people are more important than we think.

But now I realize Karma meant exactly what he said. Our happiness is completely and utterly interwined with other people: family and friends and neighbors and the woman you hardly notice who cleans your office. Happiness is not a noun or a verb. It's a conjunction. Connective tissue."

"I'm not 100 percent happy. Closer to feevty-feevty, I'd say. All things considered, that's not so bad. No, not bad at all."

Hi. Me again. So, now I wonder, am I happy? On a scale of one to ten, where do I fall? Maybe these questions are why I chose to ignore the end of this book adventure.

I don't know how happy I am, but I'm pretty sure that I am happy. I'm not miserable. I have a wonderful family (who has their own crazy agenda), great friends (though they're dispersed across the country), a boyfriend who loves me (and lives two hours away and haven't seen in almost two months), my very own business (without a lot of customers), some money (not a lot, but most of the time it's enough) and, generally, I am busy enough not to notice any pain or impulsive enough to entertain myself through the nonsense.

Maybe I'm feevty feevty. All the happy things in my life have down sides, but if I can ignore those parts, then I'm fine, yeah? Yeah. I think. Don't think of endings. Only beginnings. Wait out the bad for the good. Ignore the bad? Not sure.

How can you not be happy in a life where peanut butter and strawberry jam Uncrustables exist anyway?

And I am throwing all my thoughts away. And I'm destroying every bet I've made. And I am joining all my thoughts to you. And I'm preparing every part for you.

Monday, May 05, 2008

you make me wanna...

today i had lemonade from chickfila.
i loved every sip.
i mixed it with iced zen tea.
and i loved every sip.

sometimes i'm just in really weird moods.
sometimes i'm crazy. and creative. and moved.
sometimes i'm not.
i'm slightly, oddly, personally motivated. uh.uh.

ashlee simpson - lala
the killers - on top
the la's - there she goes
coldplay - violet hill
sufjan - to be alone with you / all the trees...
sia - little black sandals
regina spektor - that time
iron & wine - boy with a coin
yellowcard - how i go
john mayer trio - another kind of green
postal service - brand new colony

i am so allergic. i can't breathe. no lie.
i would really like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
also not a lie.

la la, la la la, la la, la la la la la la la la la.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

fearful eyes don't see very far

I don't know where we've been. Could you tell me where we are again? And Jesus is my only friend. No one else knows who I am.

(Maybe it helps to let the chaos out from time to time. by SylviaK)

Saturday, May 03, 2008

and now you're lit up by the city

(the great escape. from leslie on flickr. i thought the lighting was lovely.)

Please, remember me fondly. I heard from someone you're still pretty. And then they went on to say that the pearly gates had some eloquent graffiti.