i'm falling apart. i'm barely breathing.

I had bad dreams last night and I woke up crying in the middle of the night... three times. (This is how people become addicted to sleeping pills.) So, when I woke up this morning I decided to read from "My Utmost for His Highest" which is a daily devotional that Jax let me borrow a bit ago.

abridged from August 5:

" '... and all things that are written by the prophets concerning the Son of Man will be accomplished.' ... But they understood none of these things..." Luke 18:31,34

God called Jesus Christ to what seemed absolute disaster... from every standpoint except God's. But what seemed to be failure from man's standpoint was a triumph from God's standpoint because God's purpose is never the same as man's purpose.

What God calls us to cannot be definitely stated because His call is simply to be His friend to accomplish His own purposes. Our real test is in truly believing that God knows what He desires. The things that happen do not happen by chance - they happen entirely by the decree of God. God is sovereignly working out His own purposes.

The problem is that sometimes God's purpose puts a pain in our hearts and clouds our minds. He doesn't do that to us - we do it to ourselves by allowing he Creator of Lies and the Author of Confusion to speak into our lives. To tell us we did something wrong. Or we're not worth it. Or we'll never find something better. And it's so hard to ignore. It's what wakes us up crying in the middle of the night.

So, Lord, I pray that you protect my heart and my mind from the lies of the world. Fill me with nothing but Your Spirit and constant understanding.

Someone the other day told me they were mad at God for this - for letting bad things happen to good people. And I thought about it and decided what other choice did I have than to believe that this was part of God's plan? That this was a decision he made? Because if I don't have faith, then I have nothing except doubt and pain. And no one wants that.

I might have lost my way, haven't forgotten my way home.