so damn lucky that you went on ahead

I found my box of letters in my old dresser drawer - the ones you used to write, but you don’t write me anymore. I even got a paper cut trying to figure out what to do with all of these memories now. And you're not who you used to be and I wonder where you’ve gone.

I took everything out of my room. I got a new comforter. I'm painting my walls and rearranging my furniture. There will be new art and new books and new music. There will be new friends. new memories. new love. And part of me wants it so bad and part of me doesn't want to let go. And part of me is sad. And part of me is so angry.

And now I listen to I Nine as a break up cd (ironic) and to country songs from the likes of Emerson Hart and Keith Urban talking about taking your stuff and moving along. I listen to Beyonce replacing people and Leona Lewis tells me it will be better in time. Mostly I listen to John Mayer because I feel like he gets me. It's angsty hopeful.

Remember all those hours laughing on the floor? Those days of doing nothing felt like nothing did before. I tried flipping through these pictures of the way we used to be... God, I’d give up everything to save you and me. This is not how we used to feel and I wonder where you’ve gone.

I don't want to waste any time. He didn't. He made a life changing decision for me in a week. Why can't I do that?

I was driving over the bridge in the rain today listening to music as loud as it would go and on the off ramp my brakes locked up and my car shut off. And I thought that I don't want to die this way. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to leave this memory for people. I have so much to do and so much to offer. And I want to be ok. And I want to be happy.

So I put the car in neutral and started it up again. And I realized how quickly life changes. If that had happened in February when I got my car I would have died. I wouldn't have known what to do. I couldn't drive a stick - much less have known what to do when it malfunctioned. That wasn't very long ago.

So people change. Goals change. Abilities change. I just have to figure out how to keep that happening... "I don't think we can really understand how time passes. We can't study it like a river or tame it with a clock. Our devices only mark its coming and going... Some things have to end, you know. You feel like life is always leading up to something, but it isn't. I mean life is just life. It's all happening right now, and we aren't going to be any more complete a month from now than we are now... God breathed some spark into some mud that became us, and He did it for a reason, and I want to feel that reason, not some false explanation." - Donald Miller

I finished Through Painted Deserts. I think that was step one. And I'm listening to Matchbox Twenty - These Hard Times. Step two?

This same old box of letters used to make me smile, but now I just feel lonely... Have you fallen in a black hole? Somewhere there's a universe of missing love. What happened to the good times? What happened to the moments when we had so much? Where's the love?