let's waste time chasing cars around our heads

Coffee without caffeine is like a car without wheels. - Ben Larrew

what a week.
what a weekend.
what a life!
all types of busy.
we're almost there.
oy with the crazy playlist.

And that's all I got to say. I love you, is that okay...?

there's a letter in my hand you wrote to me...

I have never been so excited to get mail in my entire life. This was even better than the time my brother wrote me from Parris Island. It's even way better than all the cool postcards Kt has made me. Better than any overage check or package. Even better than my iPod! *gasp*

I swear. I've read these two pages so many times that I could just tell you what they say. And be careful if you see me because I might just do it... "Folding towels and rolling socks will be the end of me."

... and every line, it speaks to me, in a thousand ways for miles and miles.

Life has been very good to me recently. My brother is even here. He's going to Fort Jackson for a Physical Fitness Test.

God and I had a little talk about my attitude the other day. He didn't like it so much. I suppose I didn't really either. I need to rejoice! and remember that all things happen by God and through God and for God.

So I decided there is nothing better than to enjoy food and drink and to find satisfaction in work. Then I realized that this pleasure is from the hand of God. (Ecclesiates 2:24)

And I want to focus on all the great things going on like orange toes, canoeing, the rain, walk the line, corinne's birthweek, sparklers, fondue, the cat empire, gilmore girls, coffee, quiet times, my brother visiting, hallmark, tacos, letters in the mail, hearing about phone calls, going running, charleston, turning 21 in exactly one month, and going to texas!

I am so blessed. And so loved. Rejoice!

gone be the birds when they don't wanna sing

Today was full of wonderful things - all of which I plan on blogging about later, but there are two I want to share with you all now.

1) Matt Jones is alive and well in BMT. It's better and worse than he expected, but he's taking everything in stride and he's met some really awesome people. He doesn't have a lot of time to write, but letters to him are encouraged. Just let me know if you don't have his address and I'll get it to you!

2) My knowledge of obscure sixth grade pop culture came in handy this evening when a frantic Matt Carrowan called me saying, "Hey Erin, I have a question to ask, we're kind of having a meltdown here, can you name all of the Spice Girls?" Yes, thank you very much. And please, people of the world, spice up your life.

I feel great! I really mean it. I have to remember this for the next time I'm having a terrible week.

the fourth of july issue

Let's hear it for the good boys,
Thank God they want to save my life.
Let's hear it for the good boys,
I pray they make it through the night.

This time last year, I was waiting for my brother to go into Boot Camp. Now, I'm waiting for Matt to get out of Air Force Training and for Joe to be shipped to Korea next March.

I don't want to get sappy here, but I do want to say thank you to our military because for whatever reason these men and women joined, they're doing our best to protect our country and it's people.

Let's hear it for the red stripe,
They wear a touch of the white and the blue.
Let's hear it through the lonely nights,
Thank God I'm thinking about you.

You're giving it all up for me and for her and this stray man.

we need to feel breathless with love...

... and not collapse under it's weight.

You could be happy.
I hope you are.
You made me happier
than I'd been by far.

I have a new desk! Oy. It needs work. It belonged to Matt Jones when he lived in The Shack. Alison told me I could have it. She's so good to me.

I've been eating red, white and blue peanut m&ms. And for several reasons... 1. They are yummy. 2. Jones is not here and neither are his peanut allergies. 3. They are celebratory. 4. They are on sale at Target. 5. They are all the food I have in the apartment now. (No better reasons than those...)

I'm supposed to be going canoeing today! It's been a bit of time since my last canoeing experience when Dawn told me she would never go with me again. Hopefully I will not die. I'm too young to die. I have a lot of things left to do in my life.

I am in love with the new Snow Patrol cd. I really am.
And I'm re-reading The Perks. I love that book. I really do.

More than anything I want to see you go take a glorious bite out of the whole world.

gone. i feel so all alone.

... you won't be alone 'cause i'll be there.
what can i do? pictures of you still make me smile.

Peace. Love. Roo.

I made a Facebook Event announcement because I lost a lot of the numbers in my cell phone. So, if you want me to have your digits you should email me or something.

By the way, you are hysterical. - Carole Muedder

Alison is in Tampa having the time of her life celebrating Canada Day and I just got off of work. Not fair. When I turn 21, we're going to Tampa.

Dan and BJo are the cutest not dating couple I know.

Girl: Don't order anything. They're closed.
Boy: I know. I'm not. She's just cute and I wanted to look at her.
Me: What?
Boy: You're very pretty, by the way.
Me: Well, thank you.

It's so much nicer when someone tells you you're pretty or beautiful. The word hot has no real meaning to me.

Last week an old man named Albert sat next to me at Muddy Waters and after some conversation told me he was glad to have met me. That made me happier than anything.

Cause you don't ever slow down to find what you lost or lose what you found. No one's saying what you need to hear... You've been loved.

I don't have to work for the next three days. I hope I sleep some. I've been sleeping terribly and I'm not sure why. I woke up with my head at the wrong end of the bed today... at 7:30am. I did accomplish alot though.

Today, I missed Matt Jones awholelot. And that is all I shall say.

spoon in spoon, stirring my coffee.

Chef Knapp: Erin, send Harry to my office when he gets here.
Me: Okay. Why?
Chef Knapp: I'm going to yell at him.
Me: Oh... Why?
Chef Knapp: He ruined an entire case of pork.
Me: Oh.

Poor Harry. Even though he's insensitive to everyone else, I'm pretty sure he still has feelings that can be hurt too. I'm waiting for the day I do something stupid at work and get yelled at by Chef Knapp. I will cry. Then he might yell some more. Gosh, I hope that never happens. I'm praying against it. His birthday is Saturday. So is Rachel's. This means Friday should be interesting and full of cake. I hope.

Oh, maybe I'm crazy, but laughing out loud will make the pain pass by. And maybe you're a little crazy, and laughing out loud will make it all subside. Holding, I'm holding out.

I'm worried about my health. I'm going to start paying more attention to it.

When I drink coffee, I can feel my headaches melt away. I noticed this first at Bonnaroo (which thank God had a coffee shop) and I'm noticing it now - here at the Wired Bean. I decided to go to a place I wasn't familiar with. The coffee here is good, but they're out of soy milk. No problem. Skim is good too. There is a guy playing music from his laptop without headphones. That is improper coffee shop etiquette. It is so not busy here.

Sometimes I like to do things alone that I know I'll enjoy, so I can remember that I'm ok by myself. Occasionally I forget that and feel very very small and then I have to go fix it.

I'm supposed to be writing a paper. Ha.

So evidently my phone is broken. The ear piece doesn't work. I can only hear people when I have it on speaker or when it has a headset plugged in. I'll get a courtesy phone on Thursday-ish and then in 3-4 weeks I'll have my phone back or a new one. Something else to look forward to I suppose.

Lalala. Thank you to the people who surround me and love me and let me rant. You are way too awesome for words.

Alison has been looking at real estate in Charleston. I hope she gets a teaching position there that she loves.

It's weird to think how quickly life goes by. In a year, I'll be living in Charleston - managing the Wholly Cow store I worked at in high school. And that'll keep me occupied for a couple of years until I can save money and figure out where I'm going and who I'm going with.

From time to time, minutes and hours. Some move ahead while some lag behind. It's like the balloon, it rise and then vanish. This drop of hope falls from his eye.

as i went down in the river to pray

This morning I went to Starbucks and the woman in front of me was fussy and ordering gifts. She was mumbling about Barista behind his back. You know, typical impatient customer. And I just didn't understand why you would be mean to the person who holds the key to the coffee so early in the morning. You're supposed to be nice to the people who give you coffee. That's just the way it is.

I should have known this meant the day was going to be rough.

I sent Matt some letters this morning. A lot actually. And I felt good about that until his mom called and had found out that the dorm number was wrong. And he, in fact, isn't graduating until August 4. I tried to be calm on the phone, but on the inside I was freaking out. I stopped everything I was doing at work made several phone calls and changed all of my flight information. I went back to work and did my best to be happy, but I was still freaking out on the inside.

When I got home I completely broke down. Poor Alison. I just started sobbing about how much I wanted him to get my letters and I wanted him to know that I was thinking about him and that I missed him. And then I started sobbing about changing my flight and spending extra money, but of course that didn't matter to me because I really just wanted to see him and I would pay anything. Sobbing. Holding that lion. Then my mom called and I started sobbing again.

I wrote him another letter that was rambling and stupid just because I wanted to make sure he got something from me.

And I think I'm frustrated because I'm feeling so much. I'm supposed to be calm. And not show my feelings. I'm not supposed to be sad.

Then I had to calm down and I went for a drive. I went down to the river to pray. I prayed for so many things that I can't even remember. It was nice. I was much calmer when I left. I even met a nice man and his son who were about to go canoeing in a storm.

I'm just so glad that God is on my side and I know that I have nothing to worry about. It's just the humanity that gets to me sometimes. It's crazy how people effect your life so much and you don't notice it until they're gone. Ramble. Ramble.

It's true, it may seem like a stretch, but its thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away when I am missing you to death.

There's a dead bat on our porch. This day just keeps getting better and better.

when I think of all of the things that we've done and what's to come

I just bought my ticket to San Antonio. Well, Dad bought my ticket. Because he loves me - despite the lack of communication at times.

I can't wait. (Everything's bigger and better in Texas!)

I started thinking about this trip back when Joe graduated from Parris Island, so it's been a long time coming. It just never seemed real until last week. It's strange how you think you're prepared for something until the time for it actually comes. Every second seems shortened, yet more important than the last.

I can't help but think it's part of some plan.

now my feet turn the corner back home

Just to let you know - I'm still alive. I've just been keeping busy. I have jobs to work and trips to plan. And school work to do. Boo. Thanks for calling. It's good and I appreciate it. I'm doing okay. I'm adjusting. It's weird.

I've been too tired to blog. And I still have to devote a lot of typing to Bonnaroo (four most amazing days of my life).

But I got a fish. It's name is Little Red Fish. (I'm not sure if it's a boy or girl...) It lives in our coffee pot. I saved it from certain McCutchen House death.

We never said what we were dreaming of, but you turned me into somebody loved.

kiss me and smile for me. tell me that you'll wait for me.

The pain now is a part of the happiness then, that's the deal.

This past week has been pretty insane. I don't even know where to start. I guess I'm procrastinating writing about Bonnaroo because I still haven't quite put all the happenings of those four days together and into words. So, for now, I will wait and use words that have been given to me recently. And if you know, then you understand.

You have made me a better person. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy! - 1Peter 1:8 I'm sorry I have to leave you. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. - Psalm 34:18 Please please call me when you do not feel strong and brave. I love you much and I am always here for you. Be not sorrowful on account of separation; verily thy Lord is of more good to thee than anything in the material world. He is the best companion and the best friend and will accompany thee under all aspects. - `Abdu'l-Baha' I truly admire you two... Everytime I think of you, I give thanks to my God. I always pray for you, and I make my requests with a heart full of joy. - Philippians 1:3-4 It's only six weeks. It's going be alright. I just have this feeling that everything is going to be alright.

and i've never felt so speechless in my life.

Everybody's doing it. Listing their choices for Bonnaroo. So, I am, too. I'm such a follower. And I obviously still have decisions to make...

Thursday:
I Nine, 7:15-8:15

Friday:
I Nine, 12-12:30
Ben Folds, 2-3:15

Bright Eyes, 4-5:30

Nickel Creek, 4-5:30
Oysterhead, 5:30-7:30
Robert Randolph, 5:30-7
Death Cab for Cutie, 6:15-7:45
Tom Petty, 8-12

Saturday:
My Morning Jacket, 12-2:30am
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, 2:30-3:30
Mute Math, 3-4
Elvis Costello, 3-4:30
Rusted Root, 3:15-4:45
Blues Traveler, 5:15-6:45
Beck, 5:30-7
Radiohead, 8:30-11

Sunday:
Rusted Root, 1:30-2
Bela Fleck, 3-4:30

And I kind of want to see The Disco Biscuits, but only because they call themselves The Disco Biscuits.

And speaking of music... I'm loving Mute Math right now. So much. I listened to them while I blew the leaves off the patio this morning.

And I just got the new Plumb cd - finally. It's much "harder" than I thought it would be. And when I say hard, I mean like Evanescence not like Killswitch or anything. Ooo. And Chef finally brought me all the cds he told me he would - Wilco, Elvis Costello, Kevin Ayers and The Freddy Jones Band. The latter two are bands from his seventies, crazy days. I'm excited to hear those.

My Mom called and told me she wanted a song called Fireflies. She didn't know who it was. I figured it out for her, bought it on iTunes. I'll make her a cd before Kt leaves next Tuesday, so she can have it. But the point is that the song is adorable. Rebecca danced to it at her recital. I got excited because it talks about fireflies - and well, I have a secret obsession with them.

I believe in fairy tales. And dreamer's dreams, like bedsheet sails. And I believe in Peter Pan. And miracles, and anything I can to get by. And fireflies.

That's a lot about music for right now, so I think I'm gonna quit - ya know, save myself for Bonnaroo blogging later.

(Behold and enjoy the sand sculpture evolution pictures. They're here for your viewing pleasure. Please refrain from touching them. Art is art. Thankyousomuch.)

Oh, I can't stop drinking the coffee. If I stop drinking coffee, I stop doing the standing and the walking and the words putting-into-sentence doing.

A theme. A theme. A coffee theme. In my life. Wowza. Unhealthy. But so fun. Two in one day. It's been done before. It'll be done again.

I'm stocking up on canned caffeine for Bonnaroo. Did you know they have an 18 page info guide? EIGHTEEN PAGES!

Reality has absolutely no place in our world!

Today, I love Dave Matthews Band, Our Lady Peace and Death Cab for Cutie.

We watched lots of Gilmore Girls. Four episodes of pure procrastination. No paper finished. It's ok. It's a draft. I think that means it doesn't completely count. Holla.

I'm looking forward to this week. It's going to be amazing. I'm not going to want it to end. For many reasons. One having to do with five stinky bodies in one van. Others more serious.

Boo yah means "to fill a tooth" in Chinese.

Beth the Barista is playing at NBT on Tuesday. I hate NBT. But I like Beth. Dilemma? Nah.

I have words to write and things to say, but my body says no. Nope. Nope. Nope. No more words. Just sleep for five hours. Just enough to get me through the pressure washing tomorrow.

and it's bad and it's mad and it's making me sad.

My days seem the same. Wake up. Coffee. Work. Sometimes more work. Insert some type of socialization. Always ends up being tired.

Yesterday the Sysco Rep forgot to enter our order, so today our Sysco order didn't arrive. Not until Chef Knapp called her and told her to fit as much of our order as possible into her car and bring it to us. My grill brush was in that car. That made me happy.

The cheeseburger with no meat lady drove me a little crazy though.

Matt Jones comes back sometime tomorrow! Yay! And we get internet tomorrow! And Chef is making french toast for breakfast!

So despite the double jobbing it, I'll be quite happy.

Oh. I saw Bryson Jennings play at Jammin Java tonight. Very good. Check out his myspace. And he's only 17 - crazy.

Ok, that tired is setting in and, well, I'm a sucker for a feather pillow.

it ain't about the things you say

Or how you make me feel this way.

Dateline: To Catch a Predator is on. I'm definitely not going to watch it. I'm going to watch an episode from my favorite season of Gilmore Girls instead (that's 3, btw). And this tv is pretty amazing, so I think I should take advantage of it.

I got my hairs cut today. Nothing drastic. No one has even noticed. And I'm okay with that. I went to 7 Doors and told Kate (my stylist) to do what she would with my bangs, but I wanted my length. I've decided there's no such thing as too much spent on a hair cut that doesn't make me cry.

I finally wrote my thank you letter to Dr. Moody for my scholarship. I'm finally settling down into my job. I'm still always tired at the end of the day though. I still haven't started my paper yet. I don't wannaaaaaaaa. Boo.

Mmmm. I had excellent coffee from Immac this morning. Coffee with a shot of espresso. And a biscuit. A darn good biscuit, too. With preserves. Yum yum yum.

I wish JJ had a really excellent working espresso machine with really excellent espresso beans. We usually have the latter, but right now we're batting 0 for 2. Speaking of the Java... Mandatory meeting tomorrow. Dunno why.

I feel like being at Matt Jones' house is like staying at a really elaborate, personal hotel except they don't remake your bed or fold your toilet paper into triangles. And, well, that's the best part of a hotel. But I really like driving into Columbia in the morning.

I'm making a mixed cd. I like the songs a lot, but I feel the overall mood of it is overwhelming.

Lalala. Next week I'm going to Bonnarooooo. Holla.

Gonna cut up magazines now. I wanna collage. I wanna collage. No need to work. I wanna create something...

When I'll walk myself down sycamore street, the sun beats down, no shoes on my feet. And I stumble on a daisy through concrete.

all the dreams you have you save

I went out to Lexington tonight to check on the house and all the house type things and I was sitting on the porch and I saw the coolest thing. It looked like silent fireworks going on in the trees in front of Matt's house.

There were sooo many fireflies. I love fireflies. I think they're mezmorizing. I hope that I live in a place where fireflies like to come and hang out. I hope I have a garden, too. I like watering the plants and the yard. I don't like the spiders and whatnot that live outside, but the flowers and greenery are lovely.

A house is so different than an apartment.

Well, I don't have much to say. Things are pretty much the same minus Matt Jones (which actually makes everything different since he's usually a daily part of my life and now I've acquired Lexington responsibilities in his place...) He's gone for a week at the beach with his family and bonus family. I'm working. The weather is a bit cooler, so that's nice. Yoga today was really good. A little painful, but overall enjoyable.

I think I'm going to HouseChurch tomorrow. I guess there's no better way to fill my free time than with God and fellowship, aye?

Ooo. I downloaded an electronic version of Canon in D. It's awesome. Listen to it on iTunes.

the taste of summer sweetness on my mind

A quote: "Oh, no thanks. I'm saving myself for the sea bass."

For a person with no friends, I sure did manage to have an excellent yesterday. I had coffee and an excellent muffin at HouseCoffee - love, right there. I went to the library twice. Drove out to Lexington and went to Books A Million (bought Eat. Pray. Love.), then I went over to the May House (a.k.a. Matt's highschool home) to pick up mail, water plants, check on Mookie the Cat, and look at about six or seven albums containing baby Matt pictures. Adorable. And amusing. Moms are cool that way. Then I went to Rainy Day Used Books and to Wired Bean. Met a guy named Clint there. He was cool. From Red Bank - I think that's supposed to be negative. Whatever. I went to the Art Museum - GO NOW!

I love the exhibit. Julie Heffernan - Everything that Rises. I was pretty sure I was going to be bored by Renaissance -esque painting, but the subjects are a haunting, stream of conciousness meets enchantment. I would totally own one.

I saw Nate Lowe while I was there and we finished up the galleries together. And then we went exploring over on Bull Street - did not know that the Mental Hospital was closed. It's like a little ghost town - and if I believed in ghosts, that's exactly where they would reside. It would have been uber creepy if it had been at night, but it was just really cool during the daytime.

I did lots of other random things, including (but not limited to) going to Jammin Java to help Carole and Stephen close because Carole took my shift for me - God Bless Her. But then so tired, so I went to bed right away.

This morning I got up to do run. Thought better of it and did half of some pilates and some yoga. Much better. Adriana's and Alison followed. Two excellent things for a Sunday. Then Corinne and Mellen came over to picnic in the living room. That was fun. Now, here I am in Lexington again.

I just found out that I seriously lack a green thumb. All Mrs. May's flowers and plants are being watered in addition to myself. I finally figured out the sprinkler and, well, I got soaked. Oops. I like Lexington though. Maybe it's just that I like being so far from the "real world" or at least my real world.

Mmm. Love summer. Miss people. Working on it.

It's a clear day, in this city. Let's go dance under the street lights.

i just smile once in awhile

Long is the day, take it away. Hold it up and don't let it fall.

Recently, I've been very impressed by comments made by people serving me, such as:
Is your cheese delicious?
This sauce, well, it's a little angry.
I don't want to brag, but that may be the best caramel macchiato you'll ever drink.

Also, recently, not too impressed with my own customer service skills. I'm real flakey when it comes to giving out canteloupe and coleslaw. For heaven's sake, no! We don't have any pasta salad. And who knows what happened to your cheese and onions? Certainly not me.

I'm just real tired of saying "What side would you like with that ma'am? Coleslaw, pickle or chips?" Hooray for being grill cook again next week. (Boy, who ever thought that would come out of my mouth??)

I just dropped off Alison at the airport. She's going to Philly. Not fair. Jones is leaving today for Mexico Beach with his family. Not fair. I'm in charge of four cats this weekend. Wowza.

Bonnaroo tickets are in the mail! Holla. I hope I get another paycheck by then...

I really like this Brandi Carlile song - Fall Apart Again. I recommend it. I'm still not sure how I wholly feel about her though. Three cheers for indecision.

Ok. Going to be productive or something or whatnot. And tgif to you (and you. and you. and you!)

As long as the day is full of time - there will always be room for your hand in mine.

for the times they are a-changin'

Some nights I just really love Bob Dylan.

I Nine has played at Jammin Java three times that I can remember. All three times something bad has happened to me. Hurt me once. Shame on you. Hurt me two more times, well, that just means I still haven't learned my lesson.

One day. Maybe. We'll see.

Life is still interesting and busy. I finished another book. Now I'm reading Captivating - trying to figure out my soul... Good luck, right?

Oh. I went to Red Lobster tonight. I just wanted to say that.

Ok. Love to all of you.

days like this i don't know what to do with myself...

Hi Saturday. Bye Saturday. I think I worked a good fifty hours this week. Body says more. Paycheck says nothing because I still haven’t gotten one. Darn the University and its payment policy. I mean, I’m going to have to pay rent soon.

Today, I worked with Clay at the Java. I clocked in until 4, then I laid around until 5 reading just to make sure he didn’t get busy. So, that means I’m going into hour six of solitude. And I really haven’t spent all that time “alone” either. There has been phone conversation and people coming in and out of my experiences.

I had planned on eating a Blue Cactus tonight, but I realized about half way down there that they were closed. I walked all the way anyway, then I walked around five points and back to my apartment where I walked up and down the hill trying to think of a place to eat. I had no ideas, so I decided to drive. I drove to Harbison taking stock of all the places I was passing. I got on Lake Murray Blvd and drove over the dam and into Lexington. I realized I was semi-lost. I wasn’t worried about it, but I refused to turn around. Lou was the one to call me back and got me to a place where I was no longer confused. I ate at Riviera’s. All by myself. I’ve never done that before. It was good too. I read and ate and talked to my waiter and the other wait staff because I was the only person inside – all the other customers were seated outside.

I drove around Lexington some more afterwards. It’s a nice town. I appreciate it and the fact that it’s not just an extension of Columbia. While I was doing this, I listened to a cd that David gave me last summer right after the breakup. I had mentally refused to listen to it at that time, but now I really like it. So I called him and told him that. We talked for a bit – I miss David. I’m glad he likes Charleston, but I still wish he was here. But that’s just me being selfish.

But now I’m doing laundry and I just ate some green tea ice cream from Sushi Yoshi which was/is good, I’m just not sure if it’s worth $5. I don’t suppose it really matters though. Hmmmm.

Jones is coming over soon. With coffee. Both of these things make me happy.

There’s no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard.

Hello. How are you doing today? I hope I find you feeling healthy.

“You haven’t gotten out recently, have you?” – Blue Cactus Lady

She’s right, I suppose. I work. A lot. I hang out with people though. A bunch of them. *huff*

In front of me is a list of things to do with Matt Jones (or at least facilitate for him) before he leaves. Sad because he’s leaving. Happy because it involves a whole lot of good food. It does not, however, involve a surprise going away party thrown by me. There is to be none of that… Makes sense, I suppose.

I'm eating a chocolate chip scone for breakfast. Is that heathy? Probably not. Yummy though.

So, there’s been one thing getting me through my days. It’s a bible verse that came in the form of a lovely card from Kt (p.s. I encourage mail at the new apartment). Anyway, it is this:

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy! (1 Peter 1:8)

And for now, that is all I have.

you don't know how lovely you are.

I think I'll go to Boston. I think that I'm just tired. I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.

For as slightly, mildly, or wholly elaborated as A Million Little Pieces is as a memoir/non-fiction novel, it is one of the most indentifiable and moving things I have ever read. Now I'm reading My Friend Leonard which was not the way the list of books read, but oh well.

I feel busy this week for some reason. I'll work until 3 everyday, then Wednesday night I'm going to serve a six course meal at McCutchen House. I'm excited. And kinda nervous. Oh yeah, I finally yelled at the coworker. Surprise. Friday, Saturday and Sundays are Jammin Java days, so I don't know where that really leaves me.

Lots of things have been happening around me and with me. I can't remember them all, but most of them are good. Some of them seem sad, but I think it's a process I'm going through. Cry now. Not later. Think now. Do later. Things are coming full circle. Things are falling apart. I wonder and put it all aside. Because that's all I can do.

Imagine that.

John Mayer is on the radio. The damn Daughters song. Grr. He wrote a blog the other day about sexual predators being caught by police sting operations. It pissed me off. And looking back at it, He didn't really say anything offensive. I think I just take it as such a personal experience now that it felt like a violation of privacy.

Well, I'm done here for now. Yoga. Dinner at Moe's because Corinne is home! Then hopefully some laundry in the new (say it with me) washer and dryer. Woop.

I don't give a damn. I'm as happy as a clam. (Nobody knows me at all.)

lyrics for thought

Just so you know, I love you in my life. I hope you stick around. That'd be nice. We can play a little game of finding souls, but I'll let you win on purpose - just so you know.

Courtesy of Pete Schmidt.

it's friday night and i just got paid

Except it's friday morning and I've not been paid and will not be paid today at all. Boo. Still, tgif to you all.

Yesterday, I spent the majority of my day making lemonade and slicing canteloupes. Sounds about as much fun as it really is. I seem to keep having nervous relations with one of my coworkers too. And by nervous relations, I'm nervous I'm going to scream at one inparticular. Holding back. Good.

Yeah, so, 270 people came into the Grille yesterday. Words cannot describe my weariness yesterday. I lacked all desire to be around large groups of people after that. I went to Pecknel and, after much explanation, I was finally allowed to pay for the cello. This was much more of a hassle than it needed to be and P.S. there are a lot of pissed off musicians in Columbia - they hang out at Pecknel on Thursday evenings.

I went to Starbucks and got my free drink which was both good and bad. Good because it was free and full of espresso. Bad because they didn't have caramel sauce for the caramel macchiato I wanted. Iced white chocolate mocha with skim - alright, but not up to my personal tastes.

Anyway, I read my book. A lot of my book. I'll finish it this weekend. And I listened to Pete Schmidt. So, those two things (reading and listening) spurred me into thinking about some very emotional things, then the band outside started playing (annoying), so I walked. I walked down Saluda to Henderson to go home, then I kept walking down Greene to Sumter to Jammin Java. Not sure why. I just did. I ate a cookie there and read some more. I walked back and it started to rain, but it felt real nice.

If it were raining now, I wouldn't have to go to work. Darnit. Oh yeah, I want to go on record as saying I freakin' hate wearing a hat to work. It's not even required by law. It's for the "benefit of the customer." Stupid.

Then Mellen came over last night and so did Jones for a bit. I learned to open a bottle of wine, that Queen Latifah is indeed well endowed and that "pink, it's the color of passion 'cause today it just goes with the fashion." Mmmm. Good times.

Well, that brings us to now. Now when the coffee is brewing and I'm typing. Now when I need to get ready for work. Now when I semi-dread the day before me, but know it will be fine. Excellent. I'm going to get some grog - later yo.

so they say that life's a play and that all the world's a stage

This picture is my desktop. Welcome to my world.

I miss the tanning bed. I miss exercising. I miss eating three normal meals every day. I miss being and looking healthy. I should fix that.

I'm tired all the time. It's rather obnoxious.

I fell asleep while reading my book this afternoon. I woke up to Coldplay on my computer. And Alison walking through the new apartment. I love all of those things: sleeping, reading, Coldplay, Alison, the apartment.

But in voices loud and clear, you say to me, "It's only superstition. It's only your imagination. It's only all of the thing that you fear and the things from which you can't escape."

I just got a ZeroChance newsletter in my inbox. Weird. I never ever talk to Erick anymore. Which is sad because he's a great guy - amusing and skilled. I was always afraid that breaking up with Brian would mean breaking up with other people in my life. I don't suppose it really matters because I have still have amazing people in my life who I love. Really love too. Not middle school, BFFE love. I guess I should just say all is well that ends well. I just hate not being in touch with people.

I digress.

I hate hate hate coupon week. I think that food running wouldn't be so bad if there weren't 180 people coming in with so many hydration demands. We're making bank and handling it well, but it's starting to work my nerves. Oh well. It'll be over in two days. Two very long, very busy days. Oh oh oh. My my my. Catch me on Saturday. I'll be happier and not working then!

I had a little heart to heart with Harry - things are looking up up up.

Tom Petty on the brain. Everyday. I'm gonna free fall out into nothing. Gonna leave this world for awhile. I can't wait to see him at Bonnaroo. Seriously cannot wait. Let's go. Now...

I joined Mocha Club tonight at the Dave Barnes Show. I think that was a good thing. It was kinda convicting. Alison joined too. We can start a team. You should join it.

I've been listening to lots of random music. Thanks to Tupac Tony and Clint/Laura's Wedding cd. I really like music. And people. And books. Ooo and soy lattes with a splash of almond. I like lots of things. I forget this sometimes. Ok, book and bed. Get excited.

i'll trade the moon for the sun, but this feeling for no one.

When I see you the World stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There's nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The World just stops, and it is a beautiful place.

I think that's the single most meaningful and uplifting passage to come out of A Million Little Pieces so far. Yes, I'm still reading the same book. I'm slow. And busy. If that's a problem, please bite me.

Oy with the cynicism tonight.
Sometimes I just feel inadequate.

But it has nothing to do with my reading habits.

My fortune cookie tonight said "The coming month shall bring you much happiness." It's too bad I've already cancelled the month of June.

I'm tired. And a bit frustrated. But it's ok. Happiness is not a fish that you can catch.

This blog title is from a JLC song. I think they might be my favorite lyrics. Maybe ever.

It's coupon week at the McCutchen House. And by that I mean if you show up you automatically get $1 off. So, if you have $4 then you should stop by and see me even though I'll be running around like a crazy person.

The picture you see is a painting that Kt did for me. It was inspired by the Ryan Adams song. You should listen to it if you haven't.

Birds flying high - You know how I feel.

the play on time is won...

I wanted to stay.

I've moved to Henderson Street! How excellent? Now when people say they'll be over in just a few seconds, well, they really mean just a few seconds. I think that's superb.

Thank you to everyone who helped us move. You have all been more than wonderful. I'm so blessed to have you all in my life. Really.

And I'm going to Charleston on Sunday. Not really for Mother's Day, but I assume I will see her. And Kt! (She's painting something for the new apt and some end tables for me.) I love Charleston.

I wanted to play.

Matt Callis is here! That makes me very happy because we never got to see him in Indiana. It's been almost a year. Oy.

Listening to strings. Reading a book. Drinking Starbucks. In my new room with three green walls and one tan one. I'm going to take a shower in the tiny crooked bathroom. I love it.

I have this limited, sometimes connection to Lou's internet. I think it's about to go away. I just wanted to share that moving news with you.

I wanted to love you.

it has been quite a day.

alison graduated this morning. along with five million other people i know. congrats class of 2006. she's in charleston now.

sushi and blizzards with david. yum.

work with claynotaiken from 5 to midnight. bring nubar 3 hudson's homemade wet napkins.

then jones helped me start moving into the new apartment. and by help, i mean he did basically all the heavy lifting and i opened doors and drove to and from.

and now i'm eating the gelato he brought for me. mmm. i just don't know what life will be like when he leaves. thats a whole other blog.

i just found a packet of duck sauce under my desk...

time is never time at all

After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away.

'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight.
And somehow stop this endless fight.
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days.

This morning I was inspired.
The rest of the day was a jumble.
The Family Stone - 2 thumbs down.

I feel like tonight is the end of something
and tomorrow is just the beginning.
I just can't figure out what it is...

Something is scratching its way out.
Something you want to forget about.
No one expects you to get up
All on your own with no one around.

Ok. That's all I've got.

it was one of those nights that will ring in your ear

Tonight, I had one of those really good nights. After a productive day at work, I came home, put in some new contacts and showered which was amazing because I could see clearly and I got rid of the Jammin Java smell. I put on clothes that weren't jeans and a tshirt. My hair straightened nicely and my makeup went on evenly. I felt really nice because for the past couple of days I've looked gross and just felt bad about it. I know it sounds superficial, and it kind of is, but sometimes it's just nice to feel pretty.

Then Jones and I went to Motor Supply Company for dinner. I was told to order whatever I wanted no matter what because it would probably never be put on the menu again. So I did. Blackened King Clip with some sort of Beurre sauce over Creamy Jasmine Rice and snow peas. Amazingly good. After each bite of something new on our plates, Jones and I had to stop and savor it for a moment. That was just my main dish. The appetizer was superb as well - think artichoke hearts, goat cheese and portabella mushroom cap. Dessert was good, but nothing to write home about. We did go to Nonnah's though afterwards for coffee. I had a very excellent cappuccino that I took a ridiculously long time to drink and Jones even had extra foam put on it for me. Such a great experience.

Then we watched Gilmore Girls which wasn't as pleasant as one would hope, but it was explained to me that it was a TV show which meant it had no bearing on my reality or my judgement skills. Fair enough.

Corinne showed me pictures from Ithaca. Some of them included a rubber ducky race. Yes, that’s when they send 3400 rubber duckies down a creek type thing and its every ducky for him/herself. Only 10 lucky ducks get to claim fame from it.

I'm sitting next to a broken cello now. Just having a cello in my room makes me feel like a better person. It's weird how that happens. I used to think I was a better person for having a guitar. Eventually, I realized that having a guitar didn't mean crap if I couldn't play it, so I gave it to someone else who would use it. I'll probably never learn to play guitar.

(I don't understand about the weather outside, the harmony in a tune, or why somebody lied.)

There are more important things for me to learn… Like yoga. I really loved my yoga class even though I’m a little sore from it. It was incredibly relaxing and it’s amazing the things you learn about your body when people force you to draw your attention to it.

Oh I know, oh I know that you're beautiful. Oh I know, there's something more that I can't see. And I have tried, I have tried to find the words for you, but none will come to me.

And I've thought of it from 100 different directions.

i really think that everyone should have watercolors, magnetic poetry and a harmonica.

sooooo. i got a new job. at the mccutchen house. working at the garden grille (as you can see on your right). i will make food, clean, food run, serve, take orders, learn payroll and marketing skills. [Our Garden Grille opens the first week of May and operates until mid-August. The Garden Grille serves burgers, chicken, mushrooms, hotdogs, and other delicious foods and refreshing drinks. Lunch is served Tuesday through Friday from 11:30 a.m. to 2 p.m.] all in all i hope this will be a fun, eventful, and perhaps even educational experience for me. i like the people in the hrtm department and at the mccutchen house. today, the paperwork lady gave me a sugar daddy. i think i'm going to like this job.

i'm a little screwed up with my schedule at jj. i don't know when i'm supposed to be working really. so, i guess we'll work that out as it comes along...

um. i went to the doctor this morning. i wasn't really diagnosed with anything. i think she really just said that my cold and allergies have spread to my eyes. so either viral, bacterial, or allergic conjuctivitis. i've never had conjuctivitis before and i hope i never have it again. she told me to take claritin until the day i die or until allergy season is over and i received two prescriptions - one for eye drops and one for some sort of pill for congestion.

i am over medicated. and contagious. so don't touch my eyeballs. but i'll be fine tomorrow. oh, and i have to wear my glasses. if you see me and laugh, i'll kick you in your shins.

p.s. stephen justice is a great guy. i hope he always is and that no one ever forgets.

alright, well, i think i'm going to take a nap or read before yoga tonight. thanks for tuning in. and speaking of tuning in - you need to check this out.

"We have all had new beginings and life changes this year, and here we all are together again. I know you will only laugh at this, but I will never understand the love you all shower on me, but I never doubt that love either." -- The Perks of Being a Wallflower

staring at a million city lights.

Cigars in the summertime under the sky by the light, I can feel you read my mind. I can see it in your eyes, under the moon as it plays like music every line.

I have had a very good weekend. It's weird though because if you had heard some of the stuff I was struggling with or had seen me today, then you would never think that.

Truth or Consequences: Facing your Fears. Filtering Lies. Finding Yourself in Jesus. Loving the Lord and loving yourself. Wowza. I didn't want to go to the Conference, but I knew that it was God opening a little door for me to become the woman I'm trying so desperately to become. The woman God wants me to be. I guess sometimes it's good to do things you don't want to do.

I think this Saturday night was the best Saturday night I've had in a long time. It didn't involve me working or being tired or having to study. It involved Monterrey's, Kinko's and lots of walking with Jones. Walking to the Horseshoe and attacking Liza, to the Inn at USC where demanding cheddar cheese in our minds, and from there - well, everywhere. And it ended with french toast sticks at 1am. You can't tell me that's not a good night.

Today, I woke up gross. I seriously walked around all day looking high and feeling bad about myself. Luckily, I have friends that love me and remind me that it's actually my left eyebrow that's my best feature, so I didn't need to worry about my bloodshot eyes. I can't wait to go to the doctor.

I had really excellent french toast that would have been even better could I have tasted. I went grocery shopping to get food for Plan B and then David bought me some very beautiful orange gerber daisies. He's the only person outside of my family to buy me flowers. I'm looking at them right now - next to a can of Tab Energy and the copy of Corrine's thesis and in front of some recently acquired art. That's really all there is since I packed up most of my stuff on Friday.

Ooo. I went to the library today with Jones. He gave me a tour and we read his favorite children's book. Then I picked out a book - actually he did - and I checked it out with my new temporary card. The permanent one will come in the mail in about a week.

Oh Plan B was tonight. I can't remember the last Plan B we had, but this was a good one. Chicken Bog. Yummy veggies. Biscuits. Homemade rootbeer and gingerale. And Eric's infamous dutch oven peach and pear cobblers. Mmmm.

Now I'm sitting here with Marty (who may be sick) , listening to Classic Yo-Yo, getting ready to read a book and go to bed. I have an interview tomorrow morning at the McCutchen House - I hope I don't look like this again. Then, I'm going to the doctor. And I start yoga tomorrow too. Yay.

Is there a midnight breakfast tomorrow? I heard some mention.

Got my bean in a coffee cup next to my seat, catch the view and another good book to read.

oh, its what you do to me...

Me: Hello?
Mom: Erin. Wake up. Your future beholds you.
Me: What?
Mom: I want to buy you a business. What do you think?

but i was afraid i might get in the way

I almost got into a fight with a customer tonight. After many annoyances, he proceeded to say, "you know if i made you mad tonight, you have to forgive me." Then I took his cup of Dr. Pepper from him and threw it in his face. Not really. But I thought about it.

Jesus loves me. And you. And that guy. I'm so glad I know that. And try to understand that.

*sigh* I've spent a lot of my life trying to live up to expectations that didn't exist. I've also spent a lot of my life blaming myself for thing that weren't my fault. In the past year, I've had some really amazing people by my side helping me realize I don't have to spend the rest of my life like that. I was thinking about that last night during our Shack time of encouragement and I wanted to say thank you - I hope you know who you are.

And as I kept thinking about the past year, I really thought about how much I've changed. I was talking on the phone with someone who told me they had noticed that I'm much more comfortable with myself and my decisions - That made me feel good about the struggles and self doubt I have put myself through over the past twelve-ish months. As I sat there talking to this person, I realized something that I seemed to have overlooked and is probably most important to know - It's not me. It obviously wasn't me. It was the situation. I didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't not good enough. It's just sucky timing that seems to rule my life. If it had been me, then I wouldn't have had this conversation and I never would have realized this. And this doesn't just apply to one situation - this is something to help me overcome many things that I've held onto for so long.

I just spent all this time blaming myself when really there was no one to blame... Talk about a lifted burden! For some reason, figuring that out makes me much more relaxed about whatever is to come.

People hurt themselves and others a lot. That’s sad.

Anyway. In some less self-realization news... Tomorrow is Ben and Jerry's Free Scoop Day! Holla. You can have as much as you want if you just stand in line repeatedly. And I really just want to tell everyone to listen to DMB. I'm currently obsesssed with The Lillywhite Sessions and Weekend on the Rocks.

I sold back two books today. I think I just found out that I can exempt another Final. I'm so ready for summer.

I was offered an interview today. I turned it down. Slap me silly and call me crazy. I think I'm getting sick again. Maybe it's just allergies. Maybe I'm actually dying this time. Who knows. Airborne makes me gag though. So maybe I'll just stay this way forever. Maybe. Fooorreeeveeer.

Ok. Alison is home now, so I'm going to spend time with her. She's speaking with an accent.

somehow my heart got lost on the way to my head

Don't ask yourself what the world needs; Ask yourself what makes you come alive! And then go do that because the world needs people who have come alive. - Harold Whitman

and go past the moon...

I smell like bar. I'm $13 poorer. And I have giant black X's on my hands that I can't get off. But it's okay...

They said it couldn't be done. They said it would never amount to anything. I don't know who they are, but I do know that they know nothing.

The first time I met Brian Whitman he handed me a mini disc with three songs on it and said "make sure you don't put it into your car stereo, it'll get stuck. Some people are having that problem." And all I could think was how dumb you had to be to do that and what kind of band hands out mini discs? I didn't care as long as they entered the Battle of the Bands so I had done something for CP.

I ended up wearing that disc out. And I wanted more. I had stumbled upon a diamond in the rough (called Isle 9 at the time) and was quite pleased. And was even more ecstatic when they won the BOB at the RH.

I Nine has come a long way since then. Two years later, I see my friends on stage doing what they love - the thing that they've dreamed. And they're amazing at it. Their music has evolved from cello pop to an electrified rock set that refuses to be ignored. The band members themselves have changed along with the music. These once starving young dreamers from Orangeburg are now J Records signed recording artists working hard for the sushi on their plates. I kid. But, seriously, these people continue to amaze me with their personalities and talent. I can't wait to see what's going to happen in the upcoming years. Until then - support I Nine. Buy their Live EP. Buy their full length this summer. Go check out their tour. See them at Bonnaroo. You'll thank me later.

What can I do? Pictures of you still make me smile.

just so you know. i love you in my life.

This morning I was awoken by what I think was a Marine platoon. They were loud and startling, but I didn't mind. I sat on my balcony and watched them run and yell. It made me think of Joe. It made me think of Jones leaving. Two very contrasting thoughts.

I have this overwhelming urge to be near the water. Beach. River. Lake. I don't think it matters.

Today was amazing. By the end of the day, I was just so happy. And I was sitting in Jammin Java listening to Eric Skelton play and thinking how awesome my life is. I was surrounded by some of the most important people in my life at my place of employment that I really enjoy. And I thought about all the good times I spent there last summer and they seemed to really wipe away the bad ones. I'm looking forward to the summer and being there.

I had my last cooking class today - my last class period of the semester!! It was kind of sad though because it has become my Friday Family. I told Chef I'd come harass him and David next semester. It'll be fun. Then he sent me home with a giant box of fruit salad. That's a good man right there.

Corinne's thesis defense was today. I've never been to a thesis defense. I hadn't even read the thesis (but I'm going to this summer...) It was really neat to hear Corinne talk about the Bahai faith and her year of service at the Bahai World Center. It was a year of her life that meant so much to her and I'm really glad she got the chance to write about it. It was emotional and interesting - as are most of the times when I talk to Corinne. Her stories are always excellent and she speaks with an air of caring knowledge which isn't found in many people. I mean, she spoke for a long time and I never got bored - that's an accomplishment.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever accomplish anything so large and meaningful as something like her year of service. Sometimes I wonder if I live my faith as outwardly or sincerely as I should. Or if I ever will.

Afterwards we went to Moe's and then got ready for the Spring Fling (see? i published it - it's official...) Corinne, Alison and I got ready and I did their makeup which is always fun. Then Jones came over looking spiffy in pink and ready to dance. Well, maybe not ready to dance, but definitely willing to dance. (Which he did quite excellently... is that a word?) It was fun, I really enjoyed myself with everyone. My friends are awesome.

Hope Bell always knows how to make a girl feel special...

Erin Ellis! Your hands are so nice and soft. If I were a boy, I'd want to hold them all the time!
Haha. You're nice, but there are no boys who want to do that.
Oh, now that is a lie from the pits of hell!!

And then we saw Eric Skelton which was a pleasure - as always. And that's where I realized how blessed I am and how happy I am and all those sorts of things. I mean, there are always things I wish I could change, but "serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference," ya know?

Hmmm. My Dad is coming tomorrow and I'll be seeing I Nine. Lots of people to see and fun to be had. I hope everyone's weekend is as fabulous as mine.

Today. Listening to: Eric Skelton, Pete Schmidt, and The Working Title (Everyone Here Is Wrong EP). I recommend them all.

... and you know what you feel is everything to you so settle down and reframe the scenario leaving out the excess radio...

everybody's changing...

... but I don't feel the same.

I'm having a real bond with brit rock today.

People keep getting engaged. It's crazy.
Two tests today. Bah. Humbug.
Boca burgers are delicious.
I'm taking a yoga class this summer.
Oh whatcha gonna do with all that junk?
My mom told me my butt was now proportional.
I don't know if that's blog appropriate.
I have a subleaser! Yay Carole!
I'm busy until the end of the semester.
(Or at least until the end of the week.)
I can't wait for Friday and Saturday.
Spring Fling. Because it rhymes.
And Matt Jones is gonna dance alot.
And Corinne will sisterhood the traveling dress.
I Nine at Headliners. Good music. Good people.
Oh. Little orange cat lives here.
Got rid of the yellow peep bunnies.
Need a day pass for 3 Rivers? I know a person. $20.
58 seats. 62 Koreans.
Bed.
Because when words fail, music speaks...

Hold your breath and count to ten, then fall apart and start again.

worn me down like a road.

Everybody's talking how I can't can't be your love. But I want want wanna be your love. Wanna be your love for real. Everything's falling, and I am included in that. Oh, how I try to be just okay...

Happenstance… the never can be… Main Entry: hap·pen·stance; Etymology: happen + circumstance: A circumstance especially that is due to chance.

I like that word. It's the title of the Rachael Yamagata cd I've been listening to... I love it.

The rest of this blog is brought to you by many thoughtful discussions and the wonder of the future...

Sometimes I wonder if there is enough time in this life to see all the things I want to see, go all the places I want to go, do all the things I want to do, and meet all the people I hope to meet. There are so many things to learn and try. Can I do it all? Will I always want to?

And I wonder if I do all these things - will I do them alone or will someone be there with me to share in these experiences? And if I don't do them or have anyone to share them with, will I still be happy? And in the absolute end, will I even realize it or care?

I want a full and joyous life. I really just wonder what that entails. And how often it will change.

She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs with no fear of the future.

that's what i thought

oh, why don't we ever believe ourselves?

woke up at 6am. it's been a long day. productive. somewhat. lots of things going on. can't wrap my mind around everything.

i had to quarter a chicken in class. chef made me. i cried when i went get my cutting board. (shhh.) i really didn't want to do it.

i was manager with danielle today. it went ok. both chef pernell and chef knapp told us we did a good job. i think pernell always says that, but chef knapp hardly ever. maybe its because i started talking to him in class today. took some guts because i'm kinda scared of him in a reverent kind of way. its like a respect crush - if those even exist. he's going to aiken for easter.

jesus died
for you and me.
we're supposed to remember today.
we should remember always.

how is his love so perfect? how am i made so perfect by it?
overwhelming. in a very good way.

for my mom:
... her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
"many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

it doesn't have to be perfect like a movie scene.

beautifully insane.

I slept until 9:30 this morning, but I really wanted to wake up earlier. Not because I had things to do, but because I was having awful dreams. I hardly ever remember my dreams and I hardly ever remember them this vividly. It was so violent. If the movie Crash was set in Orangeburg and involved me, then that's what my dream would have been. Bad. Very bad.

Want to hear something else bad? I was accidentally and inadvertently the cause of a cello bridge being broken. I think that gives you ten years of bad luck.

I started a new journal today. I finished the one I bought at the end of last May. Finally. It was my quarter life crisis journal. The last thing I wrote in it was a prayer for things I hope for my next journal to reflect such as more love and patience, deep interest in seeking God in all my decisions, and dedication. Hopefully, it won't take almost a whole other year to finish this one.

I'm not going to Charleston this summer. And I'm good with that. Laurie sent me an email that said "It was really great talking with you - you are such a special person... and my youngest friend. Keep being wonderful - you'll always be loved here!" And that made me happy and sure of the fact that if I was going to work for Wholly Cow, then I would want it to be with her and Rob. It's going to be ok. I don't know where this life is taking me, but I've got the faith to keep on going.

Maybe it'll take me to grad school and make me a registered dietician. What do you think??

Success will come to your plans. (this is what my fortune cookie told me)

I was evaluated today. And my manager and boss told me that I'm a leader. Oh hell no. But I think they're right. And I think that's good. And I got a raise. And I was offered 40 hours/week this summer if I want. I like my job and the people it contains. That's a good thing.

C2 has been discontinued. Corinne has the last of it. Nuts. I really like Coca Cola. Pepsi pretty much blows. The only think I dislike about Coke is their affiliation with Atlanta. But hey, you win some, you lose some. Did you know that the Coca Cola Zero movement is aimed at men? Well, now you do.

Wikipedia is amazing. I can look up everything on it. With it, Google and classes, my life is becoming too full of information.

I want to take a yoga class at City Yoga. It's $64 for students. Is that a rip off? It's once a week for 8 weeks. Monday nights for beginners. I think it would be a nice thing to do for myself.

If you hold on tight to what you think is your thing, you may find you're missing all the rest... We'll make the best of what's around.

Alrighty. I guess I've got to get away from the computer now. Bye bye.

i only wish my words could just convince myself

If I were to say something apologetic it would reflect my feelings in this matter. (from MirrorMask)

Today I was given to/served by so many people, but I feel like I've been too wrapped up in my own little world and my own little problems to thank them enough or to consider other people's worlds and other people's problems. And I feel this is a problem that can only be fixed through much determination.

Usually I'm very aware of the people around me and their feelings, but recently I've been on edge and insecure with myself and that's manifesting itself in the way I treat others.

Did I tell you to be courteous? Not to display empty manners with no meaning, but to live the courtesy born of caring. And to express this caring through the small formalities and customs born of the years.

I want to love everyone and think of everyone, but some days its just more difficult than others. And sometimes it's just plain old selfishness that gets in the way. Human nature can be rough...

I have a lot on my mind. Future plans keep changing and I can't seem to make a final decision. Maybe some yet to be had conversation will help solve that. I still have plenty of time. Time in college. Time in life. I have all the time in the world. Hmmm. It's funny how a person's thoughts and ideas can change drastically from day to day.

Did I tell you to be bold? To be not afraid of the unknown, but to live life to the fullest, and meet each new experience with joy and anticipation.

we'll make a bomb out of love

"Boys are rough. Dating is rough. College is rough. Life is just rough." - says Kt when provoked on discussing life.

This could be the very minute I'm aware I'm alive - All these places feel like home.

I like Mondays. I can sleep in if I want. And I get to clean my room. I'm listening to the almost summer mix from last year. It's the cd I listen to when I clean my room - it has good memories.

At work, someone told me I looked really good today. And that made me happy because I wasn't wearing any makeup at all and I've been feeling insecure about this no makeup decision. Not that I really need the affirmation, but it was nice.

Talking. Thinking. And it's nice to just be happy. Not to try to convince yourself that you're happy. Or try to make yourself happy. And outside of all the random stress I put into my life, I am happy. And I know that alot of my friends are happy, too. Even in their struggles, most of them know who they are and what they want and what impact they're making. And that's good.

Live a life less ordinary. Live a life extraordinary with me. Live a life less sedentary. Live a life evolutionary with me.

Anyway. That's just what I've been thinking. And now I'm thinking bed...

i swear... we were infinite!

You're breaking your mind by killing the time that kills you, but you can't blame the time 'cause its only in your mind.

I have a vata imbalance: Highly creative, quick thinkers at their best those who are vata-imbalanced in their weaker moments can have difficulty settling down long enough to actualize their visions. They're prone to distractions, free-floating fear, and worry - the latter of which is defined as "movement of the mind without an anchor." This state of mental agitation leads to a variety of physical symptoms, including weight loss, teeth grinding and insomnia. Vata-imbalanced people can actually find their stress subdued by calm, quiet, grounded activity.

Of course, I self diagnosed this from a yoga magazine from winter 2004, so there's no telling of the accuracy. It seems right.

Classes. Money. Future plans. Insurance. Jobs. Don't really need to know, but I keep worrying about it anyway. Darn my wandering mind.

I have gray hair. It's been there for years, but I usually dye my hair, but now it's back to stay. Aaa ghhh uggh hhh.

I think I like yoga. We'll see. Cadbury Mini Eggs are good. I need to finish this nutrition project. I want to finish A Million Little Pieces (a million days later...) I want to paint a picture. I want to learn Italian and go to Italy. And Ireland. And Australia. I want to buy a blow torch and make creme brulee for my friends. I want to take a nap. I want to make a mixed cd. I want to... So many things. I'm going to find my old list and revise it.

Mute Math is playing at Bonnaroo. Woot. You can't tell by my typing, but I'm excited.

No more makeup. I'm done with makeup. For the moment.

Summer. Summer. Summer. Kt. Callis. New apartment. Bonnaroo. Texas. Books. Twenty-first birthday. And more. Holla. (I'm wearing Coconut Lime - my summer scent - in hopes that it'll make it come quicker.)

I had a good weekend. It's not over quite yet, but it was nice. Don't watch Prime - no good. Oh so I hear - I fell asleep...

Done being random.

Our youth is fleeting, old age is just around the bend and I can't wait to go gray. And I'll sit and wonder of every love that could have been, if I'd only thought of something charming to say.

i can still smell the pomegranates grow...

And I don't know how hard this wind will blow or where we'll go... Come on and we'll sing, like we were free.

I don't want my life to be like a movie minus the last ten mintues. (Because that's where you find your happily ever after...)

Today was a long, tiring, productive, mildly stressful and mildly relieving day. I talked to and saw all the people I needed or wanted to talk to and see. I did responsible and adult things. I treated myself to Starbucks after exam three of four for the week. And I listened to lots of Dave and Death Cab - get excited for Bonnaroo 2006!

I heard this song tonight that I really liked - reminded me of Counting Crows... "Nothing Left to Lose" - Mat Kearney. You should listen to it.

And now I'm so tired and I'm going to bed so I can get up at six to be at class by eight to cook Spanish foods and then learn about vegetables.

I'm a war of head versus heart and it's always this way. My head is weak, my heart always speaks, before I know what it will say...

he wakes up in the morning...

what is happy?

hap·py (adj. hap·pi·er, hap·pi·est)

1. Characterized by good luck; fortunate.
2. Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy.
3. Being especially well-adapted; felicitous: a happy turn of phrase.
4. Cheerful; willing: happy to help.
5. 1. Characterized by a spontaneous or obsessive inclination to use something. Often used in combination: trigger-happy.
   2. Enthusiastic about or involved with to a disproportionate degree. Often used in combination: money-happy; clothes-happy.
      

I believe that the very purpose of life is to be happy. From the very core of our being, we desire contentment. In my own limited experience I have found that the more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. Cultivating a close, warmhearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. It helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. (says the Dalai Lama)

(just some food for thought... perhaps more discussion later. perhaps not.)

and i just showed up

Spending my time sleep walking, moving my mouth, but not saying a thing. Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in. I was in love with an idea. Preoccupied with how a life should appear. Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer. // There are so many ways to hide. There are so many ways not to feel. There are so many ways to deny what is real. And I just showed up for my own life. And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright.

when the bibbity bobbity boo is gone

When I was little and sick, I would watch Cinderella, The Little Mermaid and, occasionally, The Sound of Music. Now that I'm twenty, on my own and sick, I've decided to keep the tradition going. I put in the special edition dvd of Cinderella today and I'm excited, watching the previews and then what comes on? Cinderella 3. Are you kidding me?

The evil stepmother congers up a spell that reverses all of which the fairy godmother did. Everything that she had made (the dress, the horses and the carriage) which were the reasons why and how Cinderella went to "The Ball". So when all the magic is gone will there be a happily ever after all? What will Cinderella do? Find out in Cinderella III.

That's some bullshit. First of all, Disney sequels suck, so what makes them think a third would rock our worlds? And second of all, you can't undo Disney Magic. I don't care how evil the stepmother is - she's not powerful enough to do it. She and the fairy godmother are not even on the same playing field.

I called my mom and told her and she said that she agreed and it was stupid and that she won't take Rebecca to see it. So, we're boycotting the film. If you want to join, feel free. Maybe there will be buttons. Ok, I'm going to continue being sick now.