but i was afraid i might get in the way

I almost got into a fight with a customer tonight. After many annoyances, he proceeded to say, "you know if i made you mad tonight, you have to forgive me." Then I took his cup of Dr. Pepper from him and threw it in his face. Not really. But I thought about it.

Jesus loves me. And you. And that guy. I'm so glad I know that. And try to understand that.

*sigh* I've spent a lot of my life trying to live up to expectations that didn't exist. I've also spent a lot of my life blaming myself for thing that weren't my fault. In the past year, I've had some really amazing people by my side helping me realize I don't have to spend the rest of my life like that. I was thinking about that last night during our Shack time of encouragement and I wanted to say thank you - I hope you know who you are.

And as I kept thinking about the past year, I really thought about how much I've changed. I was talking on the phone with someone who told me they had noticed that I'm much more comfortable with myself and my decisions - That made me feel good about the struggles and self doubt I have put myself through over the past twelve-ish months. As I sat there talking to this person, I realized something that I seemed to have overlooked and is probably most important to know - It's not me. It obviously wasn't me. It was the situation. I didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't not good enough. It's just sucky timing that seems to rule my life. If it had been me, then I wouldn't have had this conversation and I never would have realized this. And this doesn't just apply to one situation - this is something to help me overcome many things that I've held onto for so long.

I just spent all this time blaming myself when really there was no one to blame... Talk about a lifted burden! For some reason, figuring that out makes me much more relaxed about whatever is to come.

People hurt themselves and others a lot. That’s sad.

Anyway. In some less self-realization news... Tomorrow is Ben and Jerry's Free Scoop Day! Holla. You can have as much as you want if you just stand in line repeatedly. And I really just want to tell everyone to listen to DMB. I'm currently obsesssed with The Lillywhite Sessions and Weekend on the Rocks.

I sold back two books today. I think I just found out that I can exempt another Final. I'm so ready for summer.

I was offered an interview today. I turned it down. Slap me silly and call me crazy. I think I'm getting sick again. Maybe it's just allergies. Maybe I'm actually dying this time. Who knows. Airborne makes me gag though. So maybe I'll just stay this way forever. Maybe. Fooorreeeveeer.

Ok. Alison is home now, so I'm going to spend time with her. She's speaking with an accent.