hurray, hurray, i'm your silver lining

"My friends and I had reached the age when we had the great, good fortune to be living out some of the dreams we'd had when we were young. Now, we were discovering the truly hard part: the realities.

Having a new baby made you psychotic with exhaustion and self-doubt. Professional success could make you delirious with insomnia and anxiety. Living abroad rendered you lonely and infantilized. And no matter what road you took, you still had to brush your teeth every morning, pay your bills, do your damn laundry, worry about taxes, check your breasts for cancer, argue with your loved ones about whether to defrost the refrigerator. Nobody, after all, it seemed, was exempt from banality.

... This was it. I was doing something I'd dreamed of. I was living in the middle of the world, and all of us were in it together, each one of us extraordinary and yet, really, no different from each other. I flung my arms back and for a minute, it felt like I could levitate. Then I laughed, loudly, like an American. Like a defiant bride. Like a seven-year-old girl with a rhinestone earring clipped to her nose. I had absolutely no idea what would happen next. But then, I suppose, no one ever does."

-- Susan Gilman, Hypocrite in a Pouffy White Dress

The end.

this is the war that's never won

I do not have the Christmas spirit. I wish I did, but I'm too stressed out. I'm tired and cranky and touchy about everything. This is not what the holiday season should be like.

I'm jealous of the people who are traveling or are spending time celebrating. I know my time will come, but it seems so very far away. Maybe that's because I've been awake for about twenty or so hours now. Or that I just watched Spanglish and that's a bit emotional.

Everyone in our house (and that's a lot) is so busy and everyone else I care about seems so very far away. I hate not being close. I hate reading about people's lives online. I hate that I keep everyone up to date through my blog.

I also hate holiday shoppers and mall traffic.

I would like for a moment to be able to stop worrying about customers and milk and scheduling and to be with my friends and family and boyfriend and just be.

And I'm not really upset - I'm just adjusting. I'm not used to being an "adult" with responsibilities. I'm not used to having a boyfriend I want to spend time with. I'm not used to my friends living more than five minutes away. I'm not used to having extra people live in my home. And I am certainly not used to not having Christmas Break. I wasted 22 years of Christmas Break. I never appreciated it until now. Blah.

Pictures of you. Pictures of me. Remind us all of what we used to be.

Bah humbug.

together is what gives our days their worth

(in slow motion) the blast is beautiful

every evening sirens call -
Hard Sun - Eddie Vedder
Question - Old 97's
Always Forever - Phil Wickham
Near to You - A Fine Frenzy
Clean Getaway - Maria Taylor
All We Are - Matt Nathanson
Pulse - Ben Jelen
English Summer Rain - Placebo
Somewhere a Clock is Ticking - Snow Patrol
Turpentine - Brandi Carlile
You'd Make Time - Steven Fiore
That I Would Be Good - Alanis Morisette
Intuition - Feist
Vienna - The Fray
Breathe - Alexi Murdoch
Sister - Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds
Lost - Priscilla Ahn
Much Farther to Go - Rosie Thomas (and Sufjan)
No One Loves Me Like You - Jars of Clay
Silver Lining - Rilo Kiley

After much deliberation, these are the songs that have accompanied me from May until now. There could be more, but no one needs an Erin moved to Charleston boxset.

Girl: Cow tipping is illegal, right? I mean, when you push them over they die, right? I mean, they can't get back up and they just die.
Other Customer: What are you talking about? They can stand up. They're not turtles...

It's beginning to seem a lot like Christmas and I'm beginning to feel hostile towards cranky mall employees and rushed shoppers. Kt told me I was snarky.

she woke from a dream

I am obsessed with this puppy and this song. I found it on a random blog that I read - Posie Gets Cozy - of a girl who lives in Portland.

He took her by the hand, walked her back home. They took the long way.

stay or leave. i want you not to go.

peace. it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

the sun will heat the ground under our bare feet

Sometimes I really despise being responsible for a business. Especially when it comes to buying and programming new cash registers. And when they have to cut the water off at the mall in the morning. And when there is franchise drama. Boooo.

I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick where you will sit and contemplate your day.

Someone asked me for some Christmas ideas. And, while I hate telling people what I would like for any occasion, I have decided to oblige:

A pedicure
Grey's Anatomy Seasons 1&2
Gilmore Girls Season 7
Giftcards: GAP, Target, Starbucks, Barnes and Noble, Gas stations
Almost anything from this website
Tea from Teavana or Yogi Tea
Green tea chocolate (if you can find it)
The Last Unicorn on dvd - yes, it is a cartoon. Don't mock my childhood.
DMB Live at Piedmont Park
A Macbook Pro
A new car - something with sexy gas mileage, please
An iPhone/dollars to break my contract with Suncom

And that's really all I can think of at the moment, although I am sure there is more that I have mentioned to you all recently.

I've been coughing so hard that my abs are starting to hurt. It's awful.

Last night, before I went to bed, Matt read me a bedtime story over the phone. He even described the little illustrations for me. It was adorable. I love him.

I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat with the collar up so you won't catch cold.


I want to take you far from the cynics in this town and kiss you on the mouth. We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene, start a brand new colony where everything will change.

i declare my room a scene

Waiting for attention. I'm not. Cut it to the left and I rock.

I was sickish this past weekend, but it was good. I really like the new Jimmy Eat World cd. I also really like my boyfriend. A lot. A lot. You know, just in case any of you were worried.

I'm at work right now - a little slow. I'll get busy in about 11 minutes. No lie.

I have my computer here because the power at our house is being sketchy. I think it may be posessed. Someone is supposed to come look at it today. I kinda like living by candlelight in my room.

And speaking of things that need to be fixed... Our cash register is still a little cuckoo because we've been waiting since Friday to have it repaired. I tell you those people have terrible customer service skills.

And two of my favorite customers are gone. They went back to Israel today. Yesterday night, they came by and left me a note and a gift. It was very nice. They said they'd think of me every time they drink coffee, but it will never be as great.

I don't like it when people leave. Especially people who are nice. If Jacob leaves, I'm screwed. I don't know who will entertain me. Yesterday, he sang you are so beautiful to me at the counter. Loudly. Very loudly. It was hilarious. Old people think he's a bit crazy.

Yup. Just got busy.

I got my hair cut. I don't really like it. Everyone else seems to enjoy it. Even strangers.

The cash register man just came too. Lovely little old man. He offered me a job as a POS system programmer. Funny.

Rumor: Bonnaroo 2008 will have Led Zeppelin assuming it doesn't intrude on the Robert Plant/Alison Krauss Tour. (I would love to see either of those things.)

Grey's Anatomy comes on tonight and Thursday. Wooo.

Need an invitation. I don't. Slide it to the right and I roll.

maybe every time you leave i'm silent

and I wish I'd said it. Told you all the reasons why I adore you...

My brother called tonight. I walked into the living room and my mom was crying on the phone. I haven't talked to her yet, but I don't need to - I know what that means.

People never stop coming and going in your life. It's beyond frustrating. For awhile, I thought I was driving people away - into the military, across the country, to other homes, to other schools, to other continents, into other career fields. It's not me. It's life. Obligations, goals and desires don't mean people want to leave you, they just mean that they have to leave you. It sucks, but that's the way it is.

People will always leave you. People will always find you. And sometimes relationships that are distant don't work the way you want them to, but that doesn't mean they're not worth keeping in some sort of tact. You just gotta have faith. Faith that the long haul is going to pay off. Faith that they're going to return. Faith that, in the end, being a part of those peoples lives will have made you a better person.

And maybe I'm just hopeless. Or hopeful. Or just a little sad. I'm not sure.

"After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away." - Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

i'll laugh until my head comes off

Once upon a time, I went to see Imogen Heap perform at the Tabernacle in Atlanta and that is where I decided to devote my life to Levi Weaver. Ok, so not really how the story went, but I was enamored with this boy who thought himself bold enough to cover Idioteque using nothing but himself, a guitar, a bow and a looping machine.

Anyway, I hope you too enjoy this special Levi Weaver treat.

tonight the sky above reminds me of you, love...

... walking through wintertime where the stars all shine...

Thanksgiving was good. And short. Definitely not long enough. There was a parade and food and family and friends. And my brother and I went to see August Rush - which is amazing and I will see it over and over.

The next day was Black Friday and we did amazing at the store and I worked about 13 1/2 hours and when I came home I passed out because I was tired and starting to get whatever ick people have these days.

So, today I woke up and went to work at 7:30 and then my mom called to tell me my dad is in the hospital and then proceeded to have three very busy hours until anyone else came in.

The neon lights in bars and headlights from the cars have started a symphony inside of me.

My dad - he was helping someone move and they dropped the armoire they were holding and he fell with it on top of him and broke a rib or so and it punctured his lung and now we're waiting to see if it will re-inflate itself or if the doctors will have to do it themselves.

I'm going to watch the game with him in a little bit. I hate hospitals. They freak me out. But if I were in the hospital, I would want someone to come visit me.

So that's what is happening in my life right now. I'm sorry I don't have perkier tales to tell. And I'm ok - just tired and worried. That's all.

I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines. Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds. I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind. Would the wind be at my back? Could I get you off my mind this time?

... a real life fairytale.

i wouldn't see another city if you don't want me to

I'm nervous. This is like exam week, but with no exams and everyone depending on and looking to you.

Tomorrow I am going to be a ridiculous mess of worry and preparation.

This photo was taken at my store. It's the aftermath of the elderly couple who drinks espresso. Done by resident photographer Kaitlyn Iserman.

I want Thanksgiving. One whole day where no matter what happens there is nothing I can do about it. And I can eat pie.

I'm cold. And I get to be a model soon. And I get to trade coffee for pizza.

"You never can tell how much you love someone until you know their imperfections."

Call me and tell me you need me, when I already know.

you must not know 'bout me

To the left, to the left. Everything you own in the box to the left.

The most ridiculous and hilarious thirty minutes of my week occur when I watch The Big Bang Theory on CBS. I'm not usually a fan of mindless, semi-plot comedy - hence my disdain for The Office; however, I love love love this show.

Summary: Created by writer/producers Chuck Lorre (of Two And A Half Men) and Bill Prady (of Gilmore Girls) comes The Big Bang Theory, a sitcom that shows what happens when hyperintelligent roommates/physicists Sheldon and Leonard meet Penny, a beautiful woman moving in next door--and realize they know next to nothing about life outside of the lab.

One of the writers being from Gilmore Girls might have something to do with it.

Leonard: (about Penny) Our children will be beautiful and smart.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.

"I don't know what your odds are in the world as a whole, but as far as the population in this car goes, you're a veritable Mac Daddy." - Sheldon to Leonard

And keep talkin’ that mess, that’s fine, but could you walk and talk at the same time?

Outside of that thirty minutes, I am preparing for Black Friday... Yup. Yup. Yep. Yep. A whole lot of crazy and torture and mental anguish all culminating in the less than twenty-four hours worth of customer onslaught. I have to buy eggnog and cups and make posters and sell my soul. Well, not that last part.

We'll be busy for the rest of the year, but nothing will compare to Friday. It'll be great stories to swap with my fellow mall people next week...

I keep listening to Irreplaceable by Beyonce. I wish I could stop. Bah.

So since I’m not your everything, how about I’ll be nothing, nothing at all to you.

i always stagger back again

Today at work was slow.
Still interesting though. Always interesting.

I drank four cups of triple echinacea green tea because everyone is sick. I love Yogi Tea.

I learned that, according to Women's Health Magazine, the TV physician the average woman would most like to play doctor with is Derek "McDreamy" Shepherd. And upon an actual poll of two people, I received a chorus of agreement.

I also learned (in WH Mag) that exercising longer rather than harder will improve your cholesterol.

And a man came in and this was our conversation:

Man: Do you have boyfriend?
Me: Yes sir, I do.
Man: Because I would get you a boyfriend.
Me: Oh, well, thank you.
Man: You should have a good boyfriend.
Me: I do and he might be a little upset if you find me another one.
Man: Ok. Let me know if you need one.
Me: Ok. Thank you.

VJ: That was awkward.
Me: Yup.

Speaking of VJ, he makes guacamole with feta cheese and kalamata olives.

A little girl came in and told me she met Santa. I asked her what if she sat on his lap and told him what she would like for Christmas and she told me "Yes. I told him I wanted 100 teddy bears, something I don't remember, and a million dollars."

Impressive, no?

Mint M&M ice cream is delicious.

I read an article about Johnathan Rhys Meyers today in some men's magazine. I can't wait for his new movie (August Rush) to come out (next Wednesday). Everyone should just go see it on Thanksgiving.

I'm Christmas shopping. I have ideas and plans and I've already bought things. Its weird because Christmas is going to be weird this year. I can feel it.

I miss living in a giant community. I thought I wouldn't. It's a lie. I want Columbia back. Or for it to come to me. Either way.

Oh. I need a new hair dryer. Ionic. With a diffuser. Mine is sparking at me.

heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why

"Tony the Beat Poet says the words alone, lonely and loneliness are three of the most powerful words in the English language. I agree with Tony. Those words say that we are human; they are like the words hunger and thirst. But they are not words about the body, they are words about the soul...

Other people keep our souls alive,
just like food and water does with our body."

"And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winters, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving your self around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God."

of course i love you, baby

That's the way my love is.
That's the way I care.
You should call on me baby.
I'm always there for you...

They'll say you'll lose your love soon to claim identity. Disgrace all sacred promise with no belief. Oh how I believe in you.

you know they like it when you smile.

Pull the hair back from your eyes. Let the people see your pretty face. Try not to say anything weird.

My parents are out of town.

It's weird because I'm only sort of by myself since Rob lives here now. But it's nice because he doesn't wake up at the same time as me so I don't have to fight him for the shower. It's also nice because I have someone here to talk to and help me reach things. And because it's completely amusing to help him and his friend Alex pick out a movie to watch. And not only was I helping two guys pick out a movie to watch together - I was helping them choose from my own personal collection. And the winner is... The Breakfast Club. Classic Brat Pack. It so doesn't say we hold hands and skip.

I made bran muffins tonight from Amy May's delicious recipe. Alex ate one. I'm hoping I can get Rob to follow suit. I'm going to make him eat healthy if it kills me.

I listened to some old school mixed cds today. Life in 2004 was ridiculous.

Save your questions without answers 'til your old enough to know that things ain't as they appeared.

I'm learning about investing (again) and starting an IRA. I need stable and responsible personal financial practices. I feel old.

Somethings you have to learn them all on your own. You can't rely on anybody else or the point of view of a source unknown.

I have this nice list of things to accomplish over the weekend. I'm sort of excited, but off to a slow start. The good news is that I have heat! Woohoo! The bad news is that I have to go make my bed before I go to sleep.

"If we were sheep, we'd be the blue sheep."

Sooner or later, we'll be lookin' back on everything and we'll laugh about it like we knew what all was happening.

sentimental thoughts are overwhelming me again

The mall has thrown up Christmas. It upsets me that they only view Thanksgiving as a gateway to Black Friday and the rest of the shopping season. Ugh. I would love to be detached from a mall this time of year.

However, this does bring eggnog lattes and chocolate covered marshmallows into my life, so I'll be grateful for that.

Today at the mall was slow. Alex and Jacob kept me entertained. I meet such random and excellent people at that store. Something else to be grateful for.

Aaaand Rachel came to visit me today - even after she crushed the tip of her finger in a door. And it was lovely. And I so miss living in the same city as her. *sigh*

Also, tonight, I ordered my very first half-caf latte. I'm one of those people now. Whatever that means.

Everyone read Chapters 18 and 19 out of Blue Like Jazz. I love you all, but I'm going to bed. Me and Martin, my blueberry bird.

All I hear in my head are all the words I wish I'd said.

we should have learned by now

How are we off on a tangent again? Oh we say, what we say, and the poison is breaking our skin.

Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired.

And still we let our spiritual lives fall by the wayside. And for what? So we can fix it ourselves? So we can spend our time making excuses rather than passionately following God and the life he has bestowed upon us.

Cause at best, we don't know and its wearing us thin.

We cannot fix our own lives. We are not in charge of our own destiny.

There is hope! And it is not found in ourselves. Or in other people.

And we stare at the sun, but we never see anything there.

How foolish can you be? After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort? (Galations 3:3)

The sky is always wondering what are these arguments about? You think we would notice our eyes are burning out.

its coming down to nothing more than apathy

... I'd rather run the other way than wait and see.

My life is not what I expected it to be. I spend a lot of time being quietly frustrated with things I cannot change. I think I might be missing the big picture.

I miss being able to take the time. I miss living in the middle of everyone and everything.

I saw Into the Wild last night. I highly recommend it. But know that it's long. And it'll make you want to be a nomad.

I will miss Kt when she is gone.

I like my job, but not the owning part.

I like my customers. Tom. Todd. Jacob. The small double latte couple. The old folks from the Netherlands. Bert. Adam. Mary. Rick who brings me salad. The guy Stacey. Charles. The girls who work at Icing. Lindsay who's engaged to Brandon. Marsha. Larry. I miss Soo. I miss Mark. I miss Mike. I'm glad the crazy Nancy is gone. I worry about Linda and Mr. Linda. Norma used to be quite the night owl. Cindy's husband has USC season tickets. The man in the bowler's hat. Even Rusty.

I wish I could leave when I wanted and not feel guilty or like it might fall apart.

I won't miss that feeling when this is all over, but I will miss my people. The same way I miss my Columbia people. But in a less aggressive way, probably.

The good news is that I have a new outlet in my 1/2 bathroom. The odd news is that the whole house is "under construction". I hope they know I'm grateful.

I wish you were a stranger I could disengage. Everyone knows I'm in over my head.

i just want to go away with you

Oh, tie me up tightly by your side. So I may go with you where ever you reside.

New Orleans was amazing. It was so great to be able to spend days with friends that I haven't seen in awhile. It was very nice to be like real boyfriend and girlfriend for almost a whole week. I felt like a little part of Columbia had relocated in NOLA just for me. Just for the weekend. I realize that's not true, but it seems nice to believe.

The company was unbelievable. The music was spectacular (Mute Math, Sinead, Ben Harper, Spoon, Smashing Pumpkins, and so on). The food was delicious. The atmosphere was surprisingly relaxing. And my phone even stopped ringing after the first day.

Then I had to return Matt from where he came from. I've decided that the worst part of his not having a driver's license is not my going to pick him up, but my having to drop him off. I know when I get to wherever it is that I'm going to have to leave him and then drive home alone. It's yucky. My mom could tell you all about it.

And now I'm back. And I'm adjusting to my routine again. Right now I'm not waking up well and we don't have a bathroom in our hallway, so that's awkward. The store didn't burn down while I was gone and I'm just making sure everything is running smoothly. I'm worried about Thanksgiving, but that's still weeks away. And we'll survive. We always do.

Last night was Trick or Treating at the mall and we're still alive despite the craziness of the rude adults and the adorableness of the little children and the hilarity of my mom dressing like a cow. If we can do that, I mean really, we can do anything.

Soooo. That's my life in a very small nutshell. I posted about 180 pictures on Facebook from NOLA if you're interested. And, uh, Happy belated Halloween!

And anytime the road looks dimmer, I will be your guiding light.

but i'm warning you we're growing up

'cause together is what gives our days their worth

I don't blog because I don't know what to say.

There are a lot of things going on in my life. Lots of work. Lots of activities. Lots of musings and emotions. But it seems hard for me to put all together and into sentences and onto my blog page.

I've been drinking a lot of green tea. I finally made friends with the British boy in the kiosk across from me. And I have a new roommate who lives across the hall from me. I don't have hamsters anymore. I'm too nice to some of my employees. I went to a bar by myself to see I Nine play. I met a guy who lives in Chicago and likes to buy drinks and dance. I didn't go to a gala because I was all dressed up with no one to go with. I raced for the cure yesterday and I cried. I saw Faith in Charlotte and we stopped in Cola because I had a longing. I bought a book on the life and legend of James Dean. I saw Dan in Real Life. I want to see Across the Universe. I have a lot of new cds: Matchbox Twenty, Jose Gonzalez, Iron and Wine, Maria Taylor, The Cat Empire and Radiohead. I want the new Jimmy Eat World. There's a white german shepherd in our backyard. I had tangerine tofu last night and watched my roommate, Rob, eat it and I was so proud. I spend Moe's Mondays with Kt. I watched Bend it Like Beckham last night and was amazed by Jonathan Rhys Meyer's facial structure. And then I remembered he's in that new movie August Rush (comes out November 21).

I didn't go to church today because I've been averaging three hours of sleep a night. I miss Columbia. And I miss my boyfriend. And I can't wait to go to NOLA this week. But I do love it here. And what I'm doing. I just have to not focus on what I'm missing.

Listen to Melissa Etheridge - I Run for Life and Ben Jelen - Pulse.

That's all I can think of right now.

and i won't waste a minute without you

Derek: You left without me. And now you're not talking to me. I was a jerk. Sometimes boyfriends can be jerks. Doesn't mean you stop talking to them. You get that I'm saying I'm sorry right?

Meredith: You yelled at me for no reason, then you walked away, and now you show up here.

Derek: Of course I showed up. Why wouldn't I? You don't trust me?

Meredith: I do.

Derek: Ok well this is how it works. You fight sometimes, and somebody apologizes.

Meredith: Well how am I supposed to know that?

Derek: You've never done this before.

Meredith: No, I've never done this before.

Derek: Hmm. Ok, alright. Well this is, from now on, you can expect that I'm gonna show up. Even if I yell. Even if you yell. I'm always going to show up. Ok?

Meredith: Ok... You are going to make an excellent Chief.

[this is my favorite McDreamy and Meredith moment. it's terribly sweet. i just watched it again tonight and decided to share.]

if you are chilly, here take my sweater

Gnocchi is better at Bocci's than it is from a box. Even if you doctor it up.

Speaking of doctors... I have Grey's Anatomy Season 3 on dvd. It might be one of the best gifts ever.

I bought roses for myself. They're pretty. They accidentally helped me clog the garbage disposal. I helped fix the garbage disposal. My roses are still pretty.

I'm waiting. For lots of things. One of them being the new Radiohead album to be available for download.

I like fall. I like rain. I don't like humidity.

I like pumpkins. And pumpkin flavored things. And cinnamon. And cinnamon flavored things. I like our new posters at the store, but I don't like making them.

I employ a lot of people right now. I'm waiting for that to work out.

I'm waiting for them to call me with questions tonight. I don't mind because I like them.


I'm waiting for Target to become sacred again. I miss it.

I'm waiting to find Mr. Potato Head hiding in my store.

I'm waiting for the end of the month so I can go to New Orleans. (I paid off the plane tickets today!)

I'm waiting for my headache to go away.

I'm waiting for Rob and Laurie to come home next week.

I'm waiting. waiting. waiting. For lots of things.

I miss Columbia. And I miss Matt. A lot.

And I like (most of) my customers. They're funny. And nice. And generous. And flattering. It's a good thing I have going on with them. I miss them sometimes, too.

'Cause I love you more than I could ever promise. And you take me the way I am.

you could make the sun go down just by walking away

"It matters a lot to my wife what I speak into her life. I'm sorry it took me so long to figure that out. Susan wants me to tell her that she's beautiful. Not Archie. Not Ben. Not anybody else. I'm sure to some extent she appreciates it, but it doesn't matter to her. She wants to hear it from me. She only cares if I tell her she's beautiful or if I don't tell her." - Paul Rienzo

We talked about criticism in church this morning and critics to our vision. And all I sat there thinking was "I don't have a vision" and that I am worst critic. I am the person who brings me down the most. I'm the cynic. I'm the one who is not surprised when things are forgotten or go wrong.

I need something more. Maybe. Kt says I'm in limbo where I'm supposed to be. I'm awaiting further instruction. I'm doing just what I need to do until the next phase of my life comes along. This, my friends, is what we call a lesson in patience. Lots of patience.

That aside. I'm in real pain from some Sports Illustrated 80's workout videos. I'm talking neon spandex body suits with ankle warmers on VHS. No lie.

And I've finally reached that dating someone for a year mark. I must like him alot.

[Photo by Kaitlyn Iserman]

i wanna the feel the car crash

A new song from Matt Nathanson is the free itunes single this week.

I love living downtown. I love driving over the harbor and seeing the lights of the city twinkle. I love the dark silhouettes of the boats floating silently in the water. I love being near the water and being able to smell it first thing in the morning. I love being able to run around it. Or not.

I love having a pint of Ben and Jerry's (lighten up!) Half-baked in my freezer - no questions asked.

I love a good night of worship. Focused worship. With songs that I feel. That I can put myself into.

I love watching Grey's, but hate feeling a little sad after it. But I watch it with my mom, so that may make up for it. I do miss watching it with Rachel (who just sent me one of the most amazing and true text messages ever). I say ditto to all that, my dear.

I love my brother. Even though he volunteers for early deployment. And that's all I'll say on that.

Three blinks means I love you.

passing time with you in mind

It's another quiet night. Feel the ground against my back. Counting stars against the black.

It's officially fall.

It does not feel like fall, but I had a really good day - weekend - all the same. Matt came to Charleston and we did Charleston things and met Charleston people and ate Charleston food and saw James Riley get married.

And when I left Sumter, I did my best not to cry since this goodbye is for a whole month. Ack. Ack. We've been dating for almost a whole year (next Sunday) without living in the same city. We've also been through basic training, a car accident and my DMB tardiness. A month should be nothing... So, I just listened to Dave and Tim (Live at Radio City Music Hall) all the way home. That made me happier.

The whole week leading up to this moment was insane. It involved baby hamsters, Dave Matthews, lots of trips to Costco, yelling at highschoolers, and a visit to Doctor's Care. No lie.

I'm going to be spending the next two weeks living downtown and commuting to and from West Ashley for business type things. And I think I'm going to try my old church again. Dawn and Chris are coming with the baby this weekend, too.

I am not so secretly a homebody, I think. I like reading books and watching movies and going to bed at a decent hour. Maybe I'm just aging at a quicker rate - like that movie Jack with Robin Williams.

All new Grey's Anatomy this week. Get excited.

Thinking about another day. Wishing I was far away. Wherever I dreamed I was, you were there with me.

i'm feeling nervous trying to be so perfect

Today was a good day. And busy. Busy. Busy.

The weather was beautiful and the people were great. And the music and anticipation was almost too much to handle. (Picture: windows down driving to Avril Lavigne along with cleaning my bedroom with new Dave songs.)

And who knew Jestine's Kitchen had amazing Coca-Cola cake and Cary Ann Hearst?

"I love this city." - Anthony Bourdain (about Charleston)

... 'cause I know you're worth it. You're worth it.

they start in my toes

And it starts in my soul. And I lose all control. When you kiss my nose, the feeling shows 'cause you make me smile, baby.

I drink too much coffee. If that's possible.

I have a super busy and exciting week ahead of me including lots of work, a new employee, a sysco order, daaaaave, and matt jooooones! And lots of cleaning. Sometimes I wish I was less busy and could invest in more people than I do. I suppose I have lots invested in my mall people and employees.

The Cause that has gripped us is so great that the small weaknesses of individuals cannot destroy it. Therefore I ask you only one thing: do not be so worried about yourself. Free yourself from all your plans and aims. They occupy you far too much. Surrender yourself to the sun, the rain, and the wind, as do the flowers and the birds. Surrender yourself to God. Wish for nothing but one thing: that his will be done, that his kingdom come, and that his nature be revealed. Then all will be well. -- Eberhard Arnold

Oh, I chopped all my hair off. And I got my car back! And I heard I Nine on the radio. Freaky. I really dislike the song as their song, but it's so damn catchy.

Today, I saw lots of police cars driving in the mall. And we were very busy in a very good and much needed way. Thank the Lord.

"Freedom is when your bra comes off at the end of the day." - Yolonda and Ms. Joyce.

Aaaand. I'm doing Race for the Cure on October 20. If you're near to Charleston and wish to participate, please join our team! If you're far away or don't wish to wake up, please feel free to donate to our team. My personal goal is $125 and the team's is $5,000.

Wherever you go, I always know 'cause you make me smile.

life's what you make it

Yesterday, a lady asked me to please match my hair color with a box at the store so she could dye hers to match mine.

Today, I baked espresso chocolate chip cookies at work. I made the dough with real espresso. And little mini chocolate chips. And they were delicious. Plus, I brewed Vermont Maple Syrup coffee. Seriously, my job has never smelled better.

I ran three miles on the elliptical machine today. It didn't really seem like three miles. And I can't decide if that's because 1. I wasn't really going anywhere, 2. Three miles on an elliptical machine isn't actually three miles, or 3. I was watching Gilmore Girls... Pippie!

Whatever. I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow. And on Friday, Kt and I are going to pick up my car in Columbia. (I really miss Jimmy.) And then I'm working like a crazy person all weekend. Imagine that.

This time next week, I'll be finishing up a concert with Dave Matthews. *sigh*

Grey's Anatomy Season 3 is on dvd. I want. (And 1 and 2.) Please and thank you.

I have the Hannah Montana theme song stuck in my head. The end.

everything i do i give my heart and soul

The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it okay... I miss you.

What I learned this weekend: There are pros and cons to everything and neither of those matter if you don't care. Bananas and blueberries go well on waffles. Sometimes we're lost because we don't have maps. Such as. Pumpkin Spice Owls and Blueberry Birds are especially there to make me happy. We have the rest of forever to make money and drive lumps of metal. Avril Lavigne songs can make me cry. My friends and family are for keeps. And Matt is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I am blessed.

I always needed time on my own. I never thought I'd need you there when I cried.

"What's it say about worrying? Don't do it. It's all over the place in the Bible. Don't worry about about tomorrow - today has enough trouble of it's own. That's Matthew. Another place it reminds you that tomorrow may never come." - a Mom paraphrase

I can't really keep my eyes open to type anything else. So tired.

but never is a promise and i'll never need a lie

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights.
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception.
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights.

I found a cd today that someone made me years ago with lots of beautiful songs with beautiful lyrics and I'm upset that I had lost it for so long.

I think I need to take the scale out of my room. I'm driving myself nuts.

I start my yoga class next week. I'm excited.

I miss my boyfriend. I can't wait to see him this weekend.

I'm reading Women's Health Magazine. It's very enlightening and quite informative. I suggest it to anyone who seems vaguely interested.

I love this line of Nike Women's Ads. This particular ad-copy reads: My butt is big And round like the letter C And ten thousand lunges Have made it rounder But not smaller And that's just fine. It's a space heater For my side of the bed It's my ambassador To those who walk behind me It's a border collie That herds skinny women Away from the best deals At clothing sales. My butt is big And that's just fine And those who might scorn it Are invited to kiss it. Just do it.

close your eyes and feel the wind blow through your hair

This is my desktop. That's real graffitti on James Island.

"It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate wilfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better." -- Robert Frost, Birches

... And cool your perfect body and blow away the cross you used to bear.

the latte radish

maybe you should just drink a lot less coffee
and never ever watch the 10 o'clock news.

coffee by erin. photo by kt.

as you lose your sense of ground

I have lots to say and nothing to write. I'm going to Whole Foods today. And these are little origami fishes that kt made for me at work.

Your whole life is here.
No eleventh hour reprieve.
So, don't forget to breathe.

Erin's Story

So, when I was a freshman, I was pretty lost in a lot of ways. And I was also in desperate need of a church. I found it at The Shack. But, little did I know I had also found a support system and a home. Then I found myself and my faith. And I realized that God had a place in my life and not just over it. The Shack helped me cultivate all of these new things.

This is not to say that the last four years of my life have been breezy. They have not. And I've found myself in all sorts of places – literally and spiritually. But no matter how far I wandered away – whether back home for the summer or down to Five Points – The Shack kept finding me and bringing me back. Just the way God keeps picking you up and dusting you off with His grace.

The Shack has been such a blessing. They've provided me with so many amazing opportunities, friends, cups of coffee and stacks of pancakes. You won't miss it, if you never try it, but I suggest you do. It may be the best thing I ever did.

Click HERE for more Shack Stories and information on The Shack.

four five six. the two of us a perfect fit

like an apple on a tree hiding out behind the leaves I was difficult to reach, but you picked me.

I would like to first go on the record as saying it is only interesting to catch up with someone you don't really want to see once. Not repeatedly. Not everyday. It's awkward. (Just in case there was any misunderstanding.)

I ate a peach in my cereal that didn't want to separate from it's pit. I turned into quite the mess and now my fingers smell like peach and are sort of sticky. But I successfully mushed it into my new Nature Valley granola cereal which was quite good. It's weird when you get to the little hunks of granola bar though because if it's at the end, then they're sort of soggy. Good though. (Also, this is not a picture of my breakfast - I stole it from Simply Breakfast.)

I love the book Kitchen Confidential. And I can't wait to finish it to truck on through my stack of books to get to Bourdain's next one that Alison so kindly gifted me for my birthday.

To want to own a restaurant can be a strange and terrible affliction. What causes such a destructive urge in so many otherwise sensible people? Why would anyone who has worked hard, saved money and often been successful in other fields want to pump his hard-earned cash down a hole that statistically, at least, will almost surely prove dry? Why venture into an industry with enormous fixed expenses (rent, electricity, water, linen, maintenance, insurance, license fees, trash removal, etc.), with a notoriously transiet and unstable workforce and highly perishable inventory of assets? The chances of you ever seeing a return on your investments are about one in five. What insidious spongiform bacterium so riddles the brains of men and women that they stand there on the tracks, watching the lights of the oncoming locomotice, knowing full well it will eventually run them over? After all these years in the business, I still don't know. -- Anthony Bourdain, Kitchen Confidential

The best things about my job: telling people I own it, earl grey tea with amaretto, coffee - all kinds all the time, my employees (most of the time), my customers (most of the time), wild strawberry ice cream, making the order and learning what I'm really made of.

The worst things about my job: being in a place of authority, the schedule, quickbooks, purchasing heavy things in hot weather, when things break, when people are sick, when people lie, hiring - I need to do that, and finding out what I'm really made of.

like a shell upon a beach. just another pretty piece. I was difficult to see, but you picked me.

I'm listening to lots of different things these days... Bob Dylan, Amos Lee, The Kooks, A Fine Frenzy (well, one song. It's adorable and pretty and I need more of that...). Little Grey Girlfriend. Priscilla Ahn. Feist. And still the same three Nelly Furtado songs in my car. Oh, Dave, of course, at work mostly.

so softly, rain against the windows and the strong coffee warming up my fingers in this fisherman’s house. you got me, searched the sand and climbed the tree.

Ryan Adams is coming. The Shins are coming - there is this guy who comes into the store (he's a football coach at the Citadel) who happens to have lots of knowledge on the bands I care about and he tells me these sorts of Shins things. I appreciate him. Also, Bob Dylan, Elvis Costell, and Amos Lee are touring TOGETHER to Atlanta and Clemson. Color me green with envy.

But I'm going to Voodoo with my lovely boyfriend and his newest attachment - the iPhone. Yay! And, speaking of, I am very excited about seeing my boyfriend this weekend. And I'm very excited to meet the hippo he got me for my birthday.

and all i can say is you blow me away.

i'm tired of running, let's walk for a minute

Being back at home after four years is strange. Noticing that highschoolers still act the same is strange. Having people I went to highschool with still seem the same is strange. I keep seeing people I've known for years, but also haven't seen in years. It's the mall. It brings us all together for shopping, ice cream and coffee.

A good friend of mine keeps having the same issues that I guess he had in highschool. They seem to be causing stress because he's trying to grow up and move on, but he's going in circles. He has so much potential though. And I saw my exboyfriend today in an awkward stroke of... luck? Coincidence? I'm not sure. I saw his family a couple weeks ago in the store and now I've seen him and I suppose much more since he works at Target which is mere steps from my store. Our conversation was strange. I don't have to deal with ex's a whole lot. It was interesting to catch up.

I see people all the time and it's good to know that lots of them are doing well and are successful or, at the very least, are happy with whatever they're doing at the moment. I hope that my life continues to go forward in a bright direction. I feel like owning and experiencing my own business is a good first step for that. And I hope so much that I don't let people get me down with their questions and doubts. I don't have time for that nonsense.

In other news - I got my Voodoo Music Experience ticket in the mail today. I just have to keep up with it until the end of October. Also, Wally was sick, but is slowing making a comeback to his old self. Kt sent me a most amazing card in the mail - I love getting mail, esp cards that make you feel warm and fuzzy. A customer let me borrown their copy of the Nelly Furtado cd - it's been an experience. And I get to have Chinese food for dinner.

I am now anxiously awaiting the arrival of fall and it's wonderful weather. Morgan Rienzo and I listed all the amazing things about fall today at work which I'll share with you one day when I'm feeling particulary magical (because that's how fall makes you feel) and like typing a lot.

Everyone is going back to school and I'm glad and sad at the very same time. The Shack keeps posting all these bulletins and emails about events. And people keep moving into apartments and dorms. And it's all going to be so amazing, but I feel left out. It sucks to be "grown up" sometimes.

I hope everyone is well and happy. Consider these flowers to be for you!

Gimme one chance. What’s the problem? I don’t see no ring on your hand.

in slow motion, the blast is beautiful.

I'm twenty-two.
I'm a college graduate.
I'm a coffee shop owner.
I'm going to Voodoo Music Experience.
I'm boycotting airlines for today.
I'm being summoned for jury duty in September.
I'm waiting for the heat index to go down.
I'm trying to remember all sorts of things about life.

A famous quote from a conversation with a friend: "Um, well, I'm doing what I'm doing until I'm not doing it anymore and I'm doing something else - whatever and wherever that may be."

Rachel gave me really amazing gifts from Ten Thousand Villages.

A clock is ticking, but it's hidden far away. Safe and sound.

you chose poetry over prose

dinasour421: your life is full of surprises
eringail says: like roosters and fergie references?
dinasour421: yes

a map is more unreal than where you've been or how you feel.

but for now, let me say, without hope or agenda.

Stephanie - my french vanilla cappuccino who just got engaged - let me play with her iphone yesterday. It was beautiful. She was walking by and I yelled out to her and I said "I heard you got an iphone." And she walked over and pulled it out of her bag, laughed and said "your mom told me this would happen," and then she handed it to me. Magic.

The bad news is that I hate hate hate doing the schedule. The good news is that I survived tax free weekend and we did really well.

"i wish everyone in the world knew that frappuccino means cold and blended. tell all your friends." - Bjo

And when I read that on Bjo's blog I could commiserate. And she wrote about people yelling. And then today some lady yelled at me. Repeatedly. And I didn't even do anything to her - I was just trying to give her free coffee. I just wanted her to leave. I would have given her anything in the store to go away. Luckily, all it took was two biscotti and a medium cup of decaf coffee.

I'm reading The Coffeehouse Gospel. It's about sharing my faith in everday conversation. This should be good to learn since I have lots of conversation everyday.

I have The Police cd in my car and everytime I get in I listen to Message in a Bottle and Walking on the Moon and I remember dancing with Tori on a blanket at Bonnaroo. And then I remember dancing with Tori at her wedding. And I think my soul sings a little bit.

And when I hear the Feist cd I think of this summer. And when I think of this summer I think of Fourth of July at Alison's apartment with everybody. And I smile.

And I'm happy. And I'm very (very) busy. And I miss certain people from time to time. And it's weird when I think of us all having separate lives when we all used to be so interwined. But it all works for His purpose. And maybe I don't understand it, but just knowing makes it more bearable.

Psalm 138.
8 The Lord will work out his plans for my life—
for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever.
Don’t abandon me, for you made me.

I ate six clementines today. And an apple with Nutella. And a bag of sour skittles. And they were all delicious.

The smell of toasted cinnamon raisin bagels makes me think of Ikea.

Also, this week I turn 22. Indian Food on Tuesday. Pad Thai and Coconut Cake on Wednesday. And Rachel is coming on Saturday after I get off work. Did I mention that I'm turning 22? I am so old. But not at all.

I think the finish line's a good place we could start. Take a deep breath, take in all that you could want.

that i would be good

I sent off my internship paper.
Four years in one USPS envelope.
I've finally accomplished something big.
I'm graduating. It's so weird.
And it's raining outside. Ooo baby, it's raining.












that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing
that I would be loved even when I'm not myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy
that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good whether with or without you *flute solo*

blame it on the weekends

This weekend is tax free weekend. The good news is that we aren't tax free. The busy news is that everyone else around us is. It should be interesting. Too bad my paper will already be shipped by then.

Also, I just watched the news for about ten minutes. Tragic. Everything is tragic. My mind was clearer and happier when I was watching The Parent Trap earlier.

Oh, we mumble loudly. Wear our shame so proudly. Wore our blank expressions trying to look interesting.

I've been slightly out of contact with people. Hopefully, I will be fixing this next week when things settle down a bit. (You know, the calm before the storm.) I did bake a blueberry crisp for my family yesterday. And I made pasta for dinner tonight. I am keeping up with them.

"If I got another cat, Erin would have to move out and I've gotten sort of attached to having her here."

Language is the liquid that we're all dissolved in - great for solving problems after it creates a problem.

Things that make me happy: boxes of clementines, simply breakfast, make coffee not war shirts, kitchen confidential, hanging out with my mom, wally still being alive, graduating, worship cd at work, caramel crunch coffee, nutella and apples. Bottled water. Oh and my (and everyone else's) birthday month!

Tomorrow, Hanneke will be 22. Tell her you love her and give her nice things. On Wednesday, I'll be 22. I'll accept love and affection throughout the whole month thankyou. And Jones turns 22 on the following Sunday. He'll sleep most of the day, but will be willing to wake up for large bags of gummi bears, I'm sure.

Blame it on the Tetons. God, I need a scapegoat now.

pictures of you still make me smile

This is an awkward photo of Wally, my beta fish. He came from Tori and Craig's wedding. Last summer I got a fish and he died in two weeks. I love Wally. I hope he lives.



I like this picture. It is also a byproduct of Tori and Craig's wedding. This is my boyfriend, Matt. He's shy. Or crazy. The world may never know.

sometimes my mind is floating in another foreign galaxy

I had such a very good weekend.
I got my graduation announcements in the mail.
Does anybody need a job in Charleston?
I've got a lot on my brain. And I'm very tired.

"I think secretly I'm a homebody with domestic tendencies."

I know its hard when the going gets tough,
but i don't want to stop this.
















you and i were a match made at a birthday party.

and you can put the blame on me

And I realize that everything I do is affecting the people around me.

I'm going to have dinner with my dad this week. I haven't gotten to talk to him about everything going on at the store recently. Maybe I'm trying to separate myself from it. He called to tell me he loved me and was proud of me the other day. I hope he still feels that way after tomorrow night. This will be an interesting meal.

My arm still looks like I do heroin. Or like I'm abused. Neither is true.

Iced soy coconut lattes are delicious. So are chocolate croissants - and they're "healthier" than the no sugar added banana cake that I love oh-so-much.

I have a tentative plan. But I've learned plans are unreliable, so we'll see.

I wrote a lot of my internship paper and neglected to do my bible study. Oy.

I understand that there’s some problems and I’m not too blind to know all the pain you kept inside you even though you might not show.

I like the new Akon song. Which surprises me. It's mostly sad. But honest. Maybe that's why I like it because I feel like people are liars or are unreliable - it's frustrating. Ugh.

If I can't apologize for being wrong, then it’s just a shame on me. I’d be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me.

but not today

"He could not say anything more. His words were choked by [tears]. I did not know what to say to him. I felt awkward and blundering... It is such a sercret place, the land of tears."

Someone describing my mom: "You're the proverbial flypaper for freaks."

conscious of every move getting harder

I keep stalling out. I just can't keep up.

So, I've realized I'm not lonely. Nope. That's not it at all. I'm confused. I'm walking around in circles. I have no goal. For the first time in 22 years of life - I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. And it scares me.

I just have to give it time. I have to stop worrying about it. I have to give it over. It's not my plan. Owww.

And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require of you? He requires only that you fear the Lord your God, and live in a way that pleases him, and love him and serve him with all your heart and soul. (Deuteronomy 10:12)

There's alarming doubt. Am I good enough? But you keep coming around to convince me it's still far from over.

I started looking and the bubble burst

I've got to tell you what a state I'm in, I've got to tell you in my loudest tones, that I started looking for a warning sign.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. Yuck. I'm also buying new running shoes and accessories for the wedding. Better.

I signed paychecks today. That was big and important of me.

I go through cycles of loving and hating my job. Occasionally it happens within a 24 hour period.

Sometimes I feel really alone. I'm not. I'm always around people, actually. And I'm always busy - especially during the day. And then at night I'm tired. I just feel disconnected. Maybe. I don't know.

I talked to Alison, but she's in Atlanta. David and I chatted, but now he's out in the field. Matt is at work and I haven't talked to him in days. Kt is schooling and wedding-ing and we can't coordinate our schedules. Rachel is the only other person who works probably more than me and is also busy officially dating. Everyone else is going out of town. I am hanging out with my new friend Jill tomorrow night though. That should be nice.

I wish I knew what I was doing.

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. (1 Corinthians 10:31)

C.S. Lewis was a wise man:

"It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad."

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."

Yeah, the truth is, that I miss you so.

no one loves me the way you do

I often feel like I'm bad at my job. *sigh*

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19

Our cats had shots today and one keeps throwing up now. I feel really bad for him. It must be terrible to be so little and so sick and so unable to talk.

I finally finished the sermon disc set my mom gave me. It was good to hear.

When I go to bed, I open my blinds so I can wake up to the sunshine. I feel like its a good way to start my day - even if it wakes me up early. I think thats why I like staying at the Granola Hut so much. There is a little window at the end of the bed I sleep on and a giant window that no one can see into in the bathroom. It's refreshing.

So is this iced americano I am drinking. Refreshing. Like crack.

The Starbucks I go to Bible Study at has the no sugar added banana coffee cake that I love. It weighs in at a whopping 470 calories and 27 grams of fat - oh my! Eh. I like that I have a weekly excuse to visit my favorite competition. Though I really only love the one in Five Points.

I'm trying to refocus on Charleston. It's hard after being in Columbia and spending so much time with Matt. I miss both of those things when they're gone, but there is so much work to be done here and so many new things and people to discover. And I have a lot of things to read - my Barak book, do my Bible Study and I'm supposed to read For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men - supposedly it's amazing. Humm.

... and I pray that now at last by God's will the way may be opened for me to come to you. Romans 1:10

I did have such a wonderful weekend though. We even went to a cereal bar downtown called Cereality - it's like heaven.

'cause i will come for you when my days are through and i'll let your smile just off and carry me.