all the streetlights say nevermind

I don't think I'm gonna go to L.A. anymore. I don’t know what it's like to land and not race to your door. I don't think I'm gonna go to L.A. anymore.

I am organized chaos. Yes. I am.

Fall is coming. I felt it in the breeze today. I also saw it on my order sheet when I ordered pumpkin pie ice cream and pumpkin spice sauce. Yessss.

There are so many opportunities coming my way both professionally and personally. The work would have come to me anyway, but, I swear, being single has really opened my social network. Imagine that.

I'm not scared - just uncertain of what's around the next corner, but the good news is that it's not in my hands or in my timing. I just gotta do what I do and let God do what He does.

I finished reading Waiter Rant and there was this one part of the book that I really felt. And I wanted to share it with everyone because I don't think it's something we all need to experience (even though we all absolutely have at some point):

"The reason I've been fearful to utilize my talents is because I'm afraid of failure. I'm always waiting for disaster to strike, for the other shoe to drop. That's why I never opened that coffee shop. That's why my relationships have turned sour. It's why I'm still fearful my writing will amount to nothing. That's the real reason I haven't quit The Bistro. I'm afraid I'll fail if I try to do anything else." - The Waiter

Awful. And true. And difficult to overcome.

I went to Columbia over the weekend and realized that it is no longer my home (I'm not exactly sure where it is at moment). Sure, the city holds many memories, but I don't live there anymore. It's no longer the way we were - it is the way they are in a place that used to be ours, but now belongs to new people. And it is ok. I'm ready to let it go. (I think.)

On a more pleasant (not that the last subject wasn't pleasant) note, I'm now reading a Bob Dylan autobiography and my room is complete except for a new valance and I will be swapping out some art soon. It's all very urban ikea barn. I suspect a few of you understand that.

"I'd come from a long ways off and had started a long ways down. But now destiny was about to manifest itself. I felt like it was looking right at me and nobody else." - Bob Dylan

Also, I have a little bit more downtime this week. I plan on watching The OC on dvd and doing laundry and reading (my book and a new blog someone sent me) and spending time with friends.

I feel there was more to say, but I'm at a loss now. Oh well.

Listen to John Mayer (live) Where The Light Is.

I’m gonna steer clear. Burn up in your atmosphere. I’m gonna steer clear 'cause I’d die if I saw you - die if I didn’t see you there.

i crawled out from the pain of yesterday

I love Our Lady Peace.

My computer is broken. My brother is gone. There is a hurricane.

Everything else is business as usual.

Oh, I have taken up the addiction of The OC on dvd. I blame Adam Brody.

Also, I think there is nothing not to love about Diet Dr. Pepper.

Sometimes, I get really upset about being left at the time when I would need someone the most, but I realize that I am not at all alone. I have so many people in my life who care about me. Both near and far. I am so blessed.

And when I find myself lost. I can turn to Him. He knows me best. Thank God.

Other people's words...

I always liked the story of Noah's Ark and the idea of starting anew by rescuing the things you like and leaving the rest behind. [»] Zach Braff

Writing is a form of therapy - sometimes I wonder how all those, who do not write, compose or paint can manage to escape the madness, the melancholia, the panic fear, which is inherent in a human condition. - Graham Greene

fill these spaces up with days

These years locked in my drawer,
I'll open to see, just to be sure.

I've worked thirty three hours in the past three days.

I wanted to come home, do laundry and go to bed early.

Not happening.

I can't sleep.
I can't speak to you.
I can't sleep.

Listen to: Azure Ray - Sleep & Jack's Mannequin - Into the Airwaves.

Hold my wine. Hold it in. Nobody's lost, but nobody wins.

summertime is over and i don't owe you nothing

I can feel the falling leaves filling up my vacant mind.

To begin, I'm never straightening my hair again after all the compliments I received today. It's too easy to wear it wavy and everyone likes it better. I think it works out best for us all.

It was a long 11-hour day. Tomorrow will be the same. I'm glad I work mostly with caffeine. And at least I'm always next door to it. *phew*

And I can't believe it's already September. Wow.

I hope excellent fall weather follows quickly. I'm so excited.

Today, a rather attractive foreign boy told me, "Finally. Someone who is good with milk." And another someone (who is somewhat of a critic) told me that I moved well at the machine and had really good milk skills.

These things made me feel good, but what I really took away from today was God really showing me I was there for a reason. This morning I was so annoyed to be there. It was Labor Day and all my friends were in Columbia and that's where I wanted to be, but I prayed that God would put me in a better mood and remind me that I was there for a reason. I thought that maybe I would make a difference today and that's why I had to give up a trip to see my friends. And then... tonight, a new friend of mine (who came into the store today and had received some particularly bad news while he was there) told me "Thank you for earlier, Erin. You really brightened my day - made it better."

And I knew that God puts us exactly where we're supposed to be whether we know it or not.

So that was good. I also had some decisions to make today. And I did. I'm not normally very good at that, but I had to decide what was best for me. What do I want? What do I not want? What makes me happy? Where do I want to go from here? I don't know all the answers to these questions, but I do know that God is good and faithful and knows the desires of my heart and if I follow him and what I feel like he is telling me, then I will be okay - even moreso, I will be happy and fulfilled.

I just have to be patient.

Cast your cares upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall. - Psalm 55:22

I can see September sun sinking in the autumn sky. If you want me to be gone, I've left already in my mind.

you could never publish my love

"I don't want to meet anyone. I just want to be alone with my grandma... and her cat."

I watched In the Land of Women today - that movie with Adam Brody. I really got it because Meg Ryan was in it and I love her. Especially her hair in this movie, but that's not the point. The point is that I really enjoyed the movie.

It's sad and funny. I think it's realistic and too much at the same time. The music was good and I laughed out loud several times. It made me want to leave and do something. Anything. Anywhere. It also made me want to appreciate what I have in front of me, rather than what is behind me. And now I really want it to be cold, so I can wear sweaters and scarves.

Topher Grace meets Zach Braff in a Gilmore Girls sort of way. And, in the end, you most definitely want your own Carter Webb. Or Adam Brody. Whichever presents itself first.

"There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, it's never ever the thing you'd expect. It's ok to be scared but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that really love you, the people that need you."

In other news, I hung out at Alchemy with Amanda today and really remembered what it was like to hang out with friends and just be. I had that in Columbia - not so much here. But it was nice. And the couch was comfy and the coffee was good.

And I changed my message received ringtone. I could never hear 99 Red Balloons again and die okay with that. Oy.

the way i see it #291.

the way i see it #291.
Originally uploaded by niiiiiiiki

"In a world where celebrity equals talent, and where make-believe is called reality, it is important to have real love, truth and stability in your life." - Bernie Brillstein, film and television producer.

The way I see it... finding reality is much harder than you would think. Also, the way I see it... is that the Starbucks near Tanger will never be able to make my drink correctly on the first try.

it's a long way down, but i feel alright

And the cops get in and the crowd gets tight. Take your tomorrow, pain and your sorrow and teach it how to fly. It's starting to hurt.

I worked ten hours today. And drank too much caffeine. So much that I started to feel sick and had to get some food from the food court. I think I'm addicted to diet coke. OhMy.

Laura Bousman sent me a blog that inspired me - to what I'm not sure quite yet.

Uncertainty is both scary and exciting, but I've decided I'm enjoying it.

5 Things found in my bag: wallet, datebook, ipod, cell, tylenol.

5 Things in my room: red dresser, urban quilt, sour skittles, bamboo, gilmore girls.

5 Things I’ve always wanted to do: skydive, go to italy, read all of my books, move away, live to tell about it.

5 Things I’m currently into: bob dylan, new york city, green tea chai, traveling, friends.

I have no idea what I'm doing, but I need to focus on one thing. one being. one life giving spirit. The one person to whom I owe it all and give very little. People are so selfish. Myself included. All He wants is our love. Most of the time I take Him for granted. When will I ever learn? When?

“What I a silly thing Love is… It is not half as useful as Logic, for it does not prove anything, and it is always telling one of things that are not going to happen, and making one believe things that are not true. In fact, it is quite unpractical, and, as in this age to be practical is everything." - Oscar Wilde

listening to: Ryan Adams.

'Cause I'm high on forever, always together, and I'm coming down. It's starting to hurt.

it ain't no use to sit and wonder why

So, they say you learn something new everyday.

Today, I learned that I am not ready to date. I knew that, but today I learned it. I want to take time to be alone and do what I want and figure out who I am... while hanging out with people as friends. I can't date. Are you nuts? I'm so not ready for that. (Please note, that is not to say that I didn't have a good time tonight. I did. That's not the point though.)

And I'm not listening to crackhead people who tell me about my life anymore. I will feel how I feel until I don't feel that way anymore. I will believe what I believe until it is proven otherwise.

And I will go to bed on time. Starting not tonight because it's already after 1am.

I will read books and listen to Bob Dylan alone until I die if I decide that is what makes me happy.

I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe. Where I'm bound, I can't tell. But goodbye's too good a word, gal. So I'll just say fare thee well. I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind. You could have done better, but I don't mind. You just kinda wasted my precious time, but don't think twice, it's all right.

she's always buzzin' just like neon

I'm in between work and work.

I'm terribly irresponsible these days. But only in a personal, my body is going to drop kick me one day, sort of way. I do too much and don't sleep enough. Hmm. Today, people kept telling me I looked high. I kept telling them I was just exhausted. Once the espresso kicked in I went back to normal.

I've heard lots of stories of broken hearts, relationships, tainted marriages, unhappiness, and general life uncertainty recently. It makes me ache. I want to believe like I used to believe, but the world makes it so difficult. And when I find myself in doubt, I remember that Jesus died for me... You gave up a wife and a family. You gave Your ghost. To be alone with me. Crazy.

Listening to: John Mayer - Where the Light Is and new Sigur Ros and Keane (A Bad Dream and Hamburg Song). I recommend it all.

Tonight, she's out to lose herself and find a high on Peachtree Street. From mixed drinks to techno beats, it's always heavy into everything.

everybody asks me how you're doing

I couldn’t stop thanking God for you—every time I prayed, I’d think of you and give thanks. But I do more than thank. I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him—endless energy, boundless strength!

(Ephesians 1:16-19)

I said I couldn't tell you. I'm okay, I'm okay. I'm okay.

it was good as good goes

Wake up naked, drinking coffee, making plans to change the world while the world is changing us. It was good good love.

I avoided the rain three times today and spent four hours in coffee shops reading books and drinking lattes. Perspectives and Waiter Rant were my chosen reading material. Oddly, both of these books make me think about my future or lack thereof. I actually read half of Waiter Rant just today. (And for those of you who don't know me - that is an accomplishment as I hardly ever finish books at all...)

I also bought new music, entered business stuff into Quickbooks, baked brownies, watched an episode of I Love the Millenium, talked to Rachel and Tom and ate pizza with Kt and Akai. Most of the day was spent on my own. I am not unhappy. I do not know what I am, but it is not unhappy. And I think that is a big step forward in whatever direction it is that I am going.

And my room is coming together quite nicely. All the furniture is in it's right place and things are off the floor and pushed aside to give it a "clean" look despite the fact that nothing is where it belongs and I still have a lot of stuff to go through and get rid of... I'm not there right now, of course, so this will all take time. I'm living downtown for a few days and enjoying having my own space and puppies.

So, what to do with the rest of the day's afternoon? Hey, isn't it strange how we change everything we did? Did I do all that I could?

I have a pending date this week...? I think. I guess that's what you would call it. Dinner with a guy that I don't know very well, but that I think is nice. I suppose that's the definition. And it's pending only because we haven't picked a day yet.

And I am interviewing for a sales lead position at BBW tomorrow which will make me busier, but give me more money. That way I can afford Nola, New York and Morrocco. That and, you know, my car payment, IRA, cell phone and whatnot.

So, I guess this will be a big week for me.

And I can't wait for fall. For indian food and hoodies and reading on the water and pumpkin spice lattes. Pumpkin everything. And it's even more real because kids are back in school and I know the time is coming. It's funny because it makes me sad I'm not in college, but I'm glad at the same time. But I watch and listen to all these kids and want to tell them to stay exactly where they are, doing exactly what they want to do for as long as they want because real life is scary.

One day they will face the world and have to make decisions. They will have broken hearts and car payments in the real world. And it's not fun. Just stay where you are until you know where you are going.

I'm rambling now... Though I would like to know why guys dress the way they do now... with these tight designer jeans? Whatever happened to regular jeans and polos? Why does everything have to be so tight? And black. It's odd.

Remember we used to dance and everyone wanted to be you and me. I want to be too.

today was a day like any other

and all i am is holding breath

Oh, go ahead and lie to me. You could say anything. Small talk will be just fine. Your voice is everything.

I have a lot of things on my mind these days. I don’t really have the words to describe what I’m feeling or experiencing or thinking. I relate a lot of it to other things which is why I end up with so many quotes and lyrics on this blog. I hope that’s okay with you all.

“No, you don't get it. I need it to be over. I need it to be over because I can't take this anymore. Yes, I love Luke, and, yes, I wanted to marry Luke. But I didn't want a life separate from Luke, and that's all he could give me. I don't want that. If I'm gonna be with Luke, I want to be with Luke, and he didn't get it, and I waited. I mean, god, I waited. It's like Luke is driving a car, okay, and I just want to be in the passenger's seat. But he's locked the door, and so I have to hold onto the bumper, you know? I'm not even asking him to open the door for me. Just leave it unlocked and say, "come in." But no, he didn't do that, so I'm hanging onto the bumper, and life goes on, and the car goes on, and I get really badly bruised and hitting potholes. And it hurts. I mean, it hurts. So yesterday I had to let go of the bumper because it hurts too much. It hurts too much.”

I started going through some of the stuff. I read my journal I started in July (and also ended in July). That hurt. I can’t decide if I was more miserable then or now.

So how do I do normal? A smile I fake. A permanent wave of cue cards and fix-it kits. Can't you tell? I'm not myself.

Today, I talked on the phone with someone I don’t know very well, but when she asked me how I was doing, I felt compelled to be truthful with her. I told her I was not so good and we talked about the last three years of my life and the last three weeks. And then she prayed for me while I was on the phone with her. And it helped even though I hurt. She prayed for God to heal my heart. And she prayed for me to give over the weight on my shoulders - for me to wake up every morning and give myself to God and to give my worries about him to God too.

I don’t need to be over it. I need to be healed. Some things are fine. Some things aren’t. Some things never will be. But when you’re healed you learn to live with all of that.

My lover spoke and said to me, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.” – Song of Solomon

Slow and steady wins the race. Yes? Yes.

I'm a slow motion accident lost in coffee rings and fingerprints. I don't wanna feel anything, but I do and it all comes back to you.

i know i won't be coming back quickly

I'm trying to stay out of trouble.
Keep my eye on the prize, you know?

Actually, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm just going about my business - doing what I want and never ever sleeping and drinking too much coffee. I'm like a rockstar without the drugs and sex. Or not at all.

Maybe I'm delirious.

Everyone should go see Marry a Thief on Saturday at Village Tavern.

I bought a dvd player today. I've never done that. It took me a long time to decide. I carried three different models around Target with me before I decided on one.

I'm so indecisive.

And miserable. And excited. I can't decide what I am more of... I just want to be happy and myself again. And I don't know how long it will take. Fuck.

"It sucks and it's hard but God makes everything beautiful in its time. I promise you will be exponentially happy one day in a healthy wonderful relationship. One day, you will get married and do all the things you want in life and he will help you and support you and cherish you..."

You turn me on and turn me off again. I'm honestly bored.

i think i'll go home and mull this over...

... I mean, I'm weird, man.

Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your shit that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew Largeman: You'll see when you move out. It just sort of happens one day, one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I don't know maybe it's like this right of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

What do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry, but in between, I laugh. And I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good.

This is way beyond my remote concern of being condescending.

ashes to ashes. we all fall down.

We are deeply saddened that LeRoi Moore, saxophonist and founding member of Dave Matthews Band, died unexpectedly Tuesday afternoon, August 19, 2008, at Hollywood Presbyterian Medical Center in Los Angeles from sudden complications stemming from his June ATV accident on his farm near Charlottesville, Virginia. LeRoi had recently returned to his Los Angeles home to begin an intensive physical rehabilitation program.

"It always seems easier to leave than be left." - DJM

another four aspirin morning

This is morning. It's when I spend the most time thinking about what I've given up.

I painted my room. I rearranged my furniture. It no longer looks or feels like where I was broken up with. My walls are empty which is depressing, but, hopefully that will change soon.

I feel like people's lives are going on without me. People are happy and productive and I'm stuck in this place where I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I guess just do what I'm doing and doing it well. I'm so glad my friends are happy, but I'm not and it's hard to watch. I need to turn my eyes to God. I know that.

Damn it. I'm trying. I swear. Really. I am.

Ps, I love Jack's Mannequin. This cd is so perfect right now.

I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this - like every inch of me is bruised.

all the details in the fabric

If it's a broken heart, then face it. Hold your own, know your name and go your own way. And everything will be fine.

Are the details in the fabric? Are the things that make you panic? Are your thoughts results of static cling? Are the things that make you blow? Have no reason, go on and scream. If you're shocked, it's just the fault of faulty manufacturing. Everything will be fine. Everything in time.

the song that speaks a thousand words

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow? What do you do with the left over you? And how do you know when to let go? Where does the good go?

Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive. Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go. Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love. Look me in the heart and unbreak broken. It won't happen.

It's love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be real happy and healthy, strong and calm. Where does the good go?

Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows? How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down? What do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down? Where does the good go? -- Tegan and Sara

L is for Lovebomb

L is for lovebomb
Originally uploaded by girlhula

Oh is our life just an illusion? There is no need to figure it out. The separation exists not in your love filled heart, but only in your mind.

This is a photo from a blog I read by a woman who lives in Portland (which is a point I no longer find particularly appealing, but I'll get over it...) Anyway. I think she is lovely. And her life is lovely. And her family is lovely. And I hope and pray that one day I have all those things in such a lovely and creative way as she does.

But for now, I want no one and my life is confusing. I want to find myself - who I am, what I want, where I'm going. And I'm going to start now because I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of making my life second to the life of someone else. I'm tired of caring so much about another person's happiness that I forget to make myself happy. Maybe I'll discover it all next week. Or maybe I won't. I'm hoping I discover it in NYC in January. But maybe I won't. Perhaps at the new job I'm applying for? New Orleans? Morocco? Who knows? The point is I've got to start trying. I've got to start living.

The real story's all around you. Even now it surrounds you. Even now I feel the power.

I'm armed with my friends, my family, my God and some hope. We'll see how this goes...

The world exploded into love all around me.

so damn lucky that you went on ahead

I found my box of letters in my old dresser drawer - the ones you used to write, but you don’t write me anymore. I even got a paper cut trying to figure out what to do with all of these memories now. And you're not who you used to be and I wonder where you’ve gone.

I took everything out of my room. I got a new comforter. I'm painting my walls and rearranging my furniture. There will be new art and new books and new music. There will be new friends. new memories. new love. And part of me wants it so bad and part of me doesn't want to let go. And part of me is sad. And part of me is so angry.

And now I listen to I Nine as a break up cd (ironic) and to country songs from the likes of Emerson Hart and Keith Urban talking about taking your stuff and moving along. I listen to Beyonce replacing people and Leona Lewis tells me it will be better in time. Mostly I listen to John Mayer because I feel like he gets me. It's angsty hopeful.

Remember all those hours laughing on the floor? Those days of doing nothing felt like nothing did before. I tried flipping through these pictures of the way we used to be... God, I’d give up everything to save you and me. This is not how we used to feel and I wonder where you’ve gone.

I don't want to waste any time. He didn't. He made a life changing decision for me in a week. Why can't I do that?

I was driving over the bridge in the rain today listening to music as loud as it would go and on the off ramp my brakes locked up and my car shut off. And I thought that I don't want to die this way. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to leave this memory for people. I have so much to do and so much to offer. And I want to be ok. And I want to be happy.

So I put the car in neutral and started it up again. And I realized how quickly life changes. If that had happened in February when I got my car I would have died. I wouldn't have known what to do. I couldn't drive a stick - much less have known what to do when it malfunctioned. That wasn't very long ago.

So people change. Goals change. Abilities change. I just have to figure out how to keep that happening... "I don't think we can really understand how time passes. We can't study it like a river or tame it with a clock. Our devices only mark its coming and going... Some things have to end, you know. You feel like life is always leading up to something, but it isn't. I mean life is just life. It's all happening right now, and we aren't going to be any more complete a month from now than we are now... God breathed some spark into some mud that became us, and He did it for a reason, and I want to feel that reason, not some false explanation." - Donald Miller

I finished Through Painted Deserts. I think that was step one. And I'm listening to Matchbox Twenty - These Hard Times. Step two?

This same old box of letters used to make me smile, but now I just feel lonely... Have you fallen in a black hole? Somewhere there's a universe of missing love. What happened to the good times? What happened to the moments when we had so much? Where's the love?

amazing still it seems, i'll be twenty-three

"You know what the worst part of it was? When you weren't there, part of me wasn't suprised."

Oy with the communication already! Is anyone really good at it? At telling people the truth or how they feel? Why do people fake it or lie? Why do people keep to themselves what other people would understand or care to know? I would've cared. I do care. I wish I didn't, but I do.

I won't always love what I'll never have. I won't always live in my regrets.

morning can be a time of mourning

I'm waiting for the day when I wake up and it's not the first thing on my mind. I think that will be lovely because crying is no good way to start your day. But I do feel more stable. I am still unhappy and confused and want answers, but I don't cry all day - I only randomly burst into tears. And that's when I call on my friends because I know they, not just will, but want to help me through this. I am so very very blessed in a situation where I feel so lost.

"I wonder at what Paul said back in Portland, how God is good, how it doesn't do any good to run from Him because what He has is good and who He is, is good. Even if I want to run, it isn't really what I want - what I want is Him, even if I don't believe it. If He made all this existence, you would think He would know what He is doing, and you think He could be trusted. Everything I want is just Him, to get lost in Him, to feel His love and more and more of this dazzling that He does. I wonder at His beautiful system and how it feels better than anything I could choose or invent for myself." - Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts

and maybe ours is the cause of all mankind

Everyone turn to p. 149 in your copy of Eat. Pray. Love.

"Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching, I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that's just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That's just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that... you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It's your destiny...

He probably was [your soul mate]. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it.

Your problem is, you just can't let this one go... So love him... So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him and then drop it... If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed."

And when I opened this book again, out fell my Delta itinerary and a receipt for an iced grande caramel macchiato in the San Antonio Int'l Airport. Ouch. $3.99. Can heartbreak be written off with the IRS? With anyone? For anything?

I really need to learn how to throw stuff away.

Maybe that's what I'll do now that I'm twenty-three. Let go. Let God. Throw away trash.

I read with every broken heart we should become more adventurous.

and he woke me up again to say...

I think that when you're too comfortable (even in complete discomfort) that God likes to mix things up - keep you on your toes.

I was laying down and reading Through Painted Deserts when Matt came into my house and broke up with me last week. (wow, seven days, it feels like yesterday and like an eternity at the same time and not much has changed, but everything has changed...) Anyway, it has been hard for me to do anything much less finish a life lesson book about Oregon. Damn Portland, Eugene and Corvallis - all mentioned by name in this book - all places we thought about moving.

But I picked it back up last night between shifts and read this:

"I have just been thinking how what we really want is for people to love us. God, girls [guys], friends, parents. It seems like life is all about stuff, you know? - I just feel like God put us here to enjoy Him and He gave us free will, so it's tough sometimes because people use their free will selfishly but I think He also created us to enjoy Him, that He is love, you know..." (says Paul to Donald Miller)

And maybe that was my problem. Maybe I was too wrapped up in Matt and his happiness and his love for me that I wasn't enjoying God. I wasn't enjoying what He gave me. I was just waiting for the next step. I am here right now for a reason and God wants to manifest himself through me everyday. He was doing that and I wasn't paying attention or appreciating it - I was looking to two years from now. So He pulled me back. He brought me back to now.

And damn it hurts. And I cry everyday. And everything reminds me of Matt. And I'm sad. And I'm mad. And I ache for him. And I ache for me. But God calls me out of it to His purpose.

I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I promise.

And I know, I know you are changed now. I hope, I hope you're arranged out. But I'm still asleep and you woke me up again. And I'm still asleep, but you woke me up to be holy.

so much for my happy ending

You know in The Way We Were when Katie has Hubbell come over because she can't sleep and she wants him to come over because he's her best friend? And he does. He comes. And they talk. And they argue. And she says, "If I push too hard it's because I want things to be better, I want us to be better, I want you to be better. Sure I make waves you have I mean you have to. And I'll keep making them till your everything you should be and will be. You'll never find anyone as good for you as I am, to believe in you as much as I do or to love you as much."

And he says, "I know that."

That's the part that makes me cry.

We were meant to be. Supposed to be. But we lost it.

pride & competition cannot fill these empty arms

The more I know, the less I understand. And all the things I thought I figured out I have to learn again.

I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak and my heart is so shattered. But I think it's about forgiveness. Forgiveness. Even if, even if you don't love me anymore.

you are the friend that answers my call

Good morning... mornings are the worst.

I took an ambien last night so I could sleep without dream, but the first thing I thought of when I woke up was him. and the hurt. and the confusion. And that I would be late for my walk. I hate this so much.

"When prayer seems to be unanswered, beware of trying to place blame on someone else. That is always a trap of Satan. When you seem to have no answer, there is always a reason - God uses these times to give you deep personal instruction, and it is not for anyone else, but you."

I can't wait to be ok again. To know what I'm doing. To be myself again. To genuinely smile again at all my customers instead of having them trying to make me smile.

The girls at the bank gave me flowers and a card wishing me a hopeful heart and brighter days ahead. And I cried. But through all this, it's good to know that I have friends and family who care about me. That I have not just served coffee, but impacted people's lives - people who now think of me as friend and confidante and not just the barista. I'm glad that I could do that.

You are the love I need. You are the air I breathe. You are my love, my life. Always forever.

i'm falling apart. i'm barely breathing.

I had bad dreams last night and I woke up crying in the middle of the night... three times. (This is how people become addicted to sleeping pills.) So, when I woke up this morning I decided to read from "My Utmost for His Highest" which is a daily devotional that Jax let me borrow a bit ago.

abridged from August 5:

" '... and all things that are written by the prophets concerning the Son of Man will be accomplished.' ... But they understood none of these things..." Luke 18:31,34

God called Jesus Christ to what seemed absolute disaster... from every standpoint except God's. But what seemed to be failure from man's standpoint was a triumph from God's standpoint because God's purpose is never the same as man's purpose.

What God calls us to cannot be definitely stated because His call is simply to be His friend to accomplish His own purposes. Our real test is in truly believing that God knows what He desires. The things that happen do not happen by chance - they happen entirely by the decree of God. God is sovereignly working out His own purposes.

The problem is that sometimes God's purpose puts a pain in our hearts and clouds our minds. He doesn't do that to us - we do it to ourselves by allowing he Creator of Lies and the Author of Confusion to speak into our lives. To tell us we did something wrong. Or we're not worth it. Or we'll never find something better. And it's so hard to ignore. It's what wakes us up crying in the middle of the night.

So, Lord, I pray that you protect my heart and my mind from the lies of the world. Fill me with nothing but Your Spirit and constant understanding.

Someone the other day told me they were mad at God for this - for letting bad things happen to good people. And I thought about it and decided what other choice did I have than to believe that this was part of God's plan? That this was a decision he made? Because if I don't have faith, then I have nothing except doubt and pain. And no one wants that.

I might have lost my way, haven't forgotten my way home.

rescue is coming

I’d love to start again, go back to innocent and never leave.

Evidently I blog quite a bit when I'm upset.

Today I was wondering how you fall in love forever? How do you find that one person among many? How do you trust someone else with your heart when another person has been careless with it? How do you find someone else to complete your thoughts or understand your obscure references? How do you know if it's real when you already thought something else was?

I almost walked up to a happy looking young couple in Costco and said "Don't get too attached. It probably won't last."

And I wondered how will I enjoy the things I used to enjoy? Eat the food I used to eat? Listen to the music I used to listen to? How do you go on about things when they used to be so interwined with someone else? Am I supposed to share those things with anyone ever again? Or will they be lost forever? Or will I be too scared to lose them to someone else?

I mean, really, how do you keep going on when all you want to do is rewind?

This is what I found in Proverbs:

21 My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; 22 they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. 23 Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble; 24 when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. 25 Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, 26 for the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared.

And I want to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who has shared words of encouragement or support with me. Thank you to everyone who didn't say a word, but listened when I needed to speak. Thank you to those of you who just sat when there was nothing to be said at all. The response has been overwhelming.

9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. (Ecclesiastes 4)

I'm not okay yet. I'm not going to be okay today. Probably not for awhile. But, please, don't give up on me. I promise I'll come around again. I cried a little less today and even ate some food. Good signs, right?

And [there's] nothing left to do, but believe something bigger. And there’s nothing wrong with love. I know it’s just enough to believe.

Don’t give up now. A break in the clouds. We will be found.

you'd think I'd never seen grace before

And I just can't decide to sink or swim.

I'm putting off the inevitable... I'm still in my pajamas.
I need to get up. I need to take a shower. I need to get dressed.
I need to go to work and back to real life.

Because maybe there’s no gray and I was wrong to tell them so. Then maybe all that I’ve to do was done a long time ago.

For the past couple of days I've been in a bubble surrounded by my close friends, my bed and a little lion who is oddly full of comfort. But now I have to do it by myself. I have to go back to my normal life even though a huge piece of my normal life is missing. And it hurts. My whole body aches and my heart clenches in my chest and I can't breathe. And my head spins and spins with questions. Maybe I did what I was supposed to do - played my role. And even though it hurts me - it was the Plan. I don't know. I may never know. I just want to know what to do now because I'm lost and everything I thought was wrong.

Cause I’ve been dressing up and dressing down for too many people. And I’m a little young to live like a troubled boy, a troubled soul, fish out of water. Cause we’re all just the same. We’re all just as good, and just as bad, and just as distracted by the corners of our eyes.

I need help. I need strength. I need You. Jesus. Come to my rescue. Help me walk. Help me face the day.

i need you, jesus, to come to my rescue

when you feel like the days just drone on and on and on. and you feel like the night is so quickly gone. and on the inside you feel like your heart's just gaping wide. and on the inside, you feel like no one's on your side... I am. I am. I am. I am.

when you thought you could rest, but you found out you were wrong and there's another need, another battle, another one more thing that comes along. and on the inside you hear the fall but you hate the falling sound. and on the inside you can't pick another broken piece up off the ground. well, I know.

hush little baby, don't say a word. Daddy's gone and bought you a great big heaven to rest in. He's bought it with blood and put the seal in your heart. it'll give you the hope you need to get up and start again.

when all the things you thought you left behind are still hanging on. and everything you try to do right ends up all wrong. and on the inside everyone else seems basically fine, but on the inside even they won't let go of the dead and cling to what's alive. well, I am.

like a rolling stone. no direction home.

It rains here often. It's sort of annoying when you're running errands. Oh well.

I'm trying to be more understanding about my situation and everyone else's situations. It's not easy because I'm (almost) twenty-three years old and everything is about me right now.

Claire: I would like to know what is at the center of your world.

Robbie: Center of my world? Wow, you're no monkeyin' around.

Claire: Why? It's very simple, this question.

Robbie: Hm, well, I'm 22. I guess I would say me.

Claire: I suppose you are honest.

Robbie: Don't you think that you're the center or that you should be the center? Thinking with your own head, talking with your own mouth?

Claire: Yes, but there are things in the world, too, that are important.

(This is from the movie I'm Not There. Robbie is supposed to be Bob Dylan.)

I don't really have a point to this blog. I just want people to know that I'm trying. Or maybe to remind myself that I'm supposed to be trying. I'm not sure. Being intentional is much harder than one would think.

Just remind me if I'm being unreasonable, disbelieving, unforgiving or just complacent. Sometimes I need a good swift kick. I promise I won't hold it against you.

My love to you all.

i will go in this way and find my own way out

Do you do things incidentally? or intentionally? What's the difference? And does it matter? Does it matter if you present the moment or if you wait for the moment to be presented? Probably.

in·ci·den·tal –adjective

1.	happening or likely to happen in an unplanned or subordinate conjunction with something else.

2.	incurred casually and in addition to the regular or main amount

in·ten·tion·al –adjective

1.	done with intention (an act or instance of determining mentally upon some action or result) or on purpose; intended

2.	of or pertaining to intention or purpose.

"We all want to help people... but for most of us we just don't know how to shift the gear from incidental to intentional." - Paul Rienzo


"You know, sometimes living the in the suspense of what's going to happen is what's required when you live an intentional life." - Paul Rienzo

"... and it's just like I'm standing on this cliff, looking out into this huge, foggy... like, a huge, foggy abyss, and, in my whole life, there's never been an abyss. It's been abyssless. I've always known exactly what is in front of me, and I've always known exactly where I'm going, and now...I don't know what's out there... and I hate not knowing what is out there. I mean, what's going to happen to my career and my relationship... and the rest of my life?" - Episode 7.07

He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation." Mark 16:15

how can you say your life is empty?

This has been quite the busy week.

David and I were discussing the past, present and future the other day and he asked me if I was happy. I didn't know what to say, so I told him I wasn't unhappy... But I'm not sure that it's the same thing or if I even answered his question.

Hmm. Well, I'm late for work.

Pain comes in stages. If we don't make it, nothing changes.

but don't think twice, it's all right

I started this blog several days ago (Friday). And now I will finish it even though I'm in a completely different mood. Which is also why I changed my dots. I love the dots, so I didn't want to get rid of them and my only other option was "dark dots" so that's what I went with.

If you read the back of a goldfish (the crackers) package at the ingredients, the first thing it says is "made with smiles". I think that's funny. Charming, even. But probably a lie.

Firefly vodka has new Sweet Tea flavored vodka. I love it. If you would like to purchase my poor self a bottle, I would appreciate it. Kt's apartment went through a huge bottle in two days. We also finished off two thirds of a handle of tequila. And had soy white russians and mimosas for breakfast. And cupcakes at midnight. It's a lush life.

She also has a naked neighbor. No lie.

So, I've mentioned before that I don't take most of the pictures on my blog and that I particularly like keeping up with this girl Leslie who is doing a 365 picture blog. Well, she has this video up now that she needs to be hit with a lot of views, so if you could do that for her, well, I think she would really appreciate it. It's about green tea.

This is a picture from London by someone who I don't know. And it's of a Pearly King. It's interesting to read about them if you have some time on your hands.

an excerpt from Through Painted Deserts:

"I think to myself about the weight in my pack. Last night, Paul and I talked a bit about the stuff that we carry with us, all the weight we walk around with, emotional baggage, thinking we need stuff we don't need. We weren't getting very deep or anything, but I keep thinking about it, and how much stuff I walk around with, about how life is a dance and God just meant for us to enjoy life, not get bogged down in sin and religion. Just be good, it seems like, is the point of life; be kind to people; don't hate anybody; forgive people because we all make mistakes. I know there are always going to be exceptions to this kind of thinking, but it seems like life would be better if we could just let go of the thought we need more and more stuff to be happy, more and more the approval of others."

Kt bought me a new Starbucks smoothie the other night. It was Orange Mango Banana. I liked it, but I feel like it defeats the purpose of going to Starbucks since they are a coffeehouse. But whatever. Next time I think I'll add matcha to it.

Speaking of smoothies, I've been drinking a green one everyday to boost my health. I'm talking I add spinach and cucumbers and kiwis and other fruit in a blender and then drink it. Surprisingly good. Except for celery. I don't like it in smoothies.

I hate hiring people. Anyone in Charleston want a very part time job?

So today (Monday) was pretty sucky. I didn't sleep well last night. The store didn't look good this morning when I came in - there was a lot for me to do. Then it started to hail and look all hurricane-esque outside. And blah blah blah. Oh well, right?

And we're out of stamps! How am I supposed to send cards to people without stamps?? Oy.

It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe. It don't matter anyhow.

the answer is blowin' in the wind

Last night I watched Factory Girl - it was about Edie Sedgewick "an ambitious starlet who becomes the muse of Andy Warhol. Heading for New York City's bright lights after dropping out of college in 1965, Edie meets pop-culture icon Andy, who turns her into the toast of the town. But she soon discovers that glamour and fame have a price." I loved it.

And now, after it, I hate Andy Warhol - who I hardly knew anything about outside of the pop art section of my art history book.

And I am now obsessed with Bob Dylan (who Edie was involved with at some point in her very short life... She died when she was 28.)


So, I've been listening to a lot of Bob Dylan. And I ordered Chronicles Volume 1. And I can't get enough of The Drawn Blank Series.

How many times must a man look up before he can see the sky? Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have before he can hear people cry? Yes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows that too many people have died? The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind.

I have more to say about other things, but I'll save it for another post.

i'll hang on, grab onto your feet

Not now, but soon, the most beautiful light will wake us to pillow fighting excitement.


Oh, is it nothing's anymore? Terrifying. Best, days of our lives. We're hanging on the best days of our lives. Today's about the best days of our lives. Oh, they're coming right up. If we can just get through this one.

that's just the way it looks from where i'm standing

I guess I'm growing up.

Decisions are made.
Cities are chosen.
U Hauls are rented.
Education continues.
Businesses are owned.
Cars are bought.
Cars are broken.
IRAs are opened.
Pasts burn down.
People get engaged.
People get married.
People have babies.
Schedules fill quickly.
Phone calls get missed.
Trips are fewer.

God is definitely telling me something.

I guess I'm growing up.

Let it fall. Let it come down. Let it crash around you.

however small the first step is hardest of all

Where the Hell is Matt?

This video makes me so happy. And when I watch it I feel like there is hope for all of us. (If you go to the website or the youtube page, then you can watch it in high quality...)

Stream of Life
by Rabindranath Tagore

The same stream of life that runs through my veins night and day
runs through the world and dances in rhythmic measures.

It is the same life that shoots in joy through the dust of the earth
in numberless blades of grass
and breaks into tumultuous waves of leaves and flowers.

It is the same life that is rocked in the ocean-cradle of birth
and of death, in ebb and in flow.

I feel my limbs are made glorious by the touch of this world of life.
And my pride is from the life-throb of ages dancing in my blood this moment.

"... wondering out-loud if there is more to life than nine-to-five jobs, than the ruts the entire world seems to be stuck in."

if you give you begin to live. you get the world. you get the world. if you give you begin to live. you might die trying.

I took a fall and found out I could bleed

These days I'm afraid of everything. Suppose cause everything will die. Thought it was to love what they will lose. So much easier to lie.

I lied. I was having a good day. A great day, even. And then I remembered that I was (subconsciously, evidently) upset. And then I was (surprisingly) bitchy. And then I started to cry. (What! Why was I crying? I didn't even know I needed to cry! Seriously?? Being a girl is ridiculous. Guh.)

Being out of control is like a constant back pedaling cycle. I'm doing good, then I get upset and then I have to start all over again. Hi. My name is Erin. And I wish everything was the way I wanted it.

That's just silly.

I'm reading Through Painted Deserts.

"I tend to think life is about security, that when you have a full year's rent, you can rest. I worry about things too much, I worry about whether or not my ideas are right, I worry about whether or not people like me, I worry about whether or not I am going to get married, and then I worry about whether or not my girl will leave me if I do get married. Lately, I found myself worrying about whether or not my car was fashionable, whether I sounded like an idiot when I spoke in public, whether or not my hair was going to fall out, and all of it, perhaps I bought into Houston, one thousand square miles of concrete and strip malls and megachurches and cineplexes, not of it real." - Donald Miller

At least I'm not the only one.

I'm just supposed to be better than this. I'm supposed to be calm and secure and happy. I'm not supposed to freak out or cry or worry.

At least I have a life worth worrying and crying over. Yeah?

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Actually it's more like most of the time. But every now and then when I'm sleeping, I still have a dream that I'm flying.

you and me have a better time than most can dream

Kt said, "I think I'm happier now."
"Is it the caffeine or the shelves?" I asked.
She replied, "I think it's you."

Hey, my friend, it seems your eyes are troubled. Care to share your time with me? Would you say you're feeling low and so a good idea would be to get it off your mind...

thinking about another day...

... wishing I was far away. Wherever I dreamed I was - you were there with me.

I'm the worst reader. I never finish any books. Never! Ugh.

And it was a really good book too. I'm not ending it. I'm just adding other books. I'll come back to it eventually...? It's not the books. It's me. I'm noncommittal. Eek.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

You know that feeling you get where all of sudden you think that you've been going about this - life, work, thought, relationships, future, health - all wrong? That's me. Right now. I'm not sure if it has been creeping up on me or if it was instantaneous.

I usually respond to this feeling quickly - like putting a band aid on a cut. I'm not really letting anything heal, I'm just covering it up to make it better... Perhaps, this time, if I take more steps with more precision and right mindedness, then I will make a change and there will be no scar left from the cut.

Does this make sense?

One day at a time, I always say. Which is a lie. I never say that. I only tackle several days a time. And forget what life is really all about. Damn. Darn. Shoot.

Slow and steady wins the race. I want that to be my motto.

I need a bedtime.

I hope you always know it's true that I would never make it through 'cause you could make the sun go down just by walking away.

We will cross the mighty ocean into Charleston Bay

This! This was totally worth waiting in line at 6am. This was my finest hour. The moment I've been training for my entire life.

Seek Up *
Old Dirt Hill *
Best of Whats Around +
Crush *
You Might Die Trying *
#41 *
Everyday *
Corn Bread *
Sail Away ~
Sledgehammer *
Ants Marching *
Sister ^
So Damn Lucky *
Louisiana Bayou *
Crash Into Me *
So Much To Say *
(Anyone Seen The Bridge *)
Too Much *
Encore:
Hey Hey My My
Tripping Billies


Guests:
All Songs With Tim Reynolds
All Songs With Rashawn Ross
* Jeff Coffin

Soundcheck:
Sugar Will
Sledgehammer
The Best Of What's Around
Too Much
Sugar Will

Notes:
+ No Horns
~ Dave, Carter and Tim
^ Dave, Tim, Carter and Rashaw

via. AntsMarching.org because those people are awesome!

My favorite song! And Matt's favorite song! And Kt's! Perfect!

mushaboom mushaboom

mmm. Thank you Courtney for letting me steal this cd from you.

Feist - Mushaboom - Video

Update? I've been busy with work and friends and... sleeping/caffeination. I go to bed late and then have to wake up early and it's a vicious cycle.

Work has been so interesting... I love my employees. They are so awesome. I hope I convey to them how much I appreciate them.

Rachel, "Um, her name? Her name is... She's taken!"

But in the meantime we've got it hard, second floor living without a yard. It may be years until the day my dreams will match up with my pay.

so come over, just be patient, and don't worry

No, I don't wanna battle from beginning to end.
I don't want a cycle of recycled revenge.
I don't wanna follow Death and all of his friends.


And in the end we lie awake and we dream of making our escape.

every moment was so precious

Coldplay. Section 110. Row A. Hollaaaa.

just waiting 'til the shine wears off

Just because I'm losing doesn't mean I'm lost. Doesn't mean I'll stop. Doesn't mean I would cross. Just because I'm hurting doesn't mean I'm hurt. Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved. No better and no worse... Coldplay, Lost!

i guess it's not the way you always planned it

hello. it's me again. it's three days now that you've been in my dreams. and i don't know, i guess you've just been on my mind.

This is the Mr. and Mrs. Linda picture.

Linda was from Portugal. She moved here with her husband Joe who is retired military. She would come in the store every morning and drink espresso (sometimes three or four shots). We bought these little cups for them. She gave my mom and I little porcelain roosters from Portugal. She was so funny and honest. She would tell me stories about her life and about how my life would be. She told me not to hurry to get married - to do everything I wanted to do and be everything I wanted to be. She told me I was beautiful - inside and out. She was very sick and had a stroke, so she was hard to understand, but was worth every word to listen hard. She was a great woman, a wise woman, a loving woman, a caring woman. She kept going into the hospital and we saw her less and less, but then they would show up and we would talk.

Friday her husband stopped in... I never got to say goodbye.

goodbye. i'll let you go. i'll get back to life.

sometimes even the right is wrong

I love love love this cd. I can't wait to see Coldplay in November!

Lovers, keep on the road you're on. Runners, until the race is run. Soldiers, you’ve got to soldier on. Sometimes even the right is wrong.

it's always better when we're together...

more roo pics: here. here. and here.

just a puppet on a lonely string

You can listen to the entire new Coldplay album on IHeartMusic.com.

I signed up for this because Bonnaroo told me I should. I'm not even sure how it works, but feel free to load me up with cash (you can add to it like a gift card...). Plus, everyone should do it because you get a really cool card - mine is orange. And it's free... I think.

Be Generous on Facecard!

and this leans on me like a rootless tree

[I am in a Damien mood. I love his voice. And I love this song. Especially this version. Their expressions are amazing, too. I may have even posted this video before I love it so much. It's got some language, so don't listen to if you're under 18...]



And, you know, I would never marry Damien Rice. Not that I want to, but I think it would be wrong. I mean, what if Damien got happy? He's angry and unhappy and he pours that into his music. Marrying Damien Rice would be the equivalent of what happened to Alanis after she started dating Ryan Reynolds. I mean, come on, man! No more jagged little pills for anyone - how selfish! What would we do with no more Rootless Trees? Guh.

i say a prayer with every heartbeat...

There's a boy I know. He's the one I dream of. Looks into my eyes. Takes me to the clouds above.

I went to Rebecca's dance recital the other night and it has me listening to all sorts of crazy music - like Whitney Houston and Rascal Flatts.

I think low rise jeans are of the devil.

I also think that boxes are fresh hungarian pastries are in cahoots (is that how you spell that word?) with low rise jeans.

I like to go out to dinner and use parts of my meal to depict certain people and tell stories.

I cannot wait for Bonnaroo.

These past few days have not been good. I've been busy and tired and am now on my third contact that isn't any better than the first two. I fell asleep at 7:30 last night and didn't wake up until 8am this morning. And I'm pretty sure I still feel tired. Ack.

I do have Netflix now and that seems promising.

I don't take most of the pictures I post on my blog. I just want that on the record. This is from a girl I found on flickr! Her name is Leslie and I like her pictures.

I just re-read this and realized it wasn't very uplifting. So, I will also give you a poem:

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

e.e. cummings

How will I know if he really loves me? I say a prayer with every heartbeat. I fall in love whenever we meet.

a prada dress has never broke my heart before

Today is not what I had anticipated. I should stop anticipating.

I did find a new book to read. I Was Told There'd Be Cake. Yup. I gave up on PS I Love You - again. I'm not in the mood for sad. I'm in the mood for satire and snarky.


I Was Told There'd Be Cake by Sloane Crosley from Book Videos on Vimeo.

Later, I will go out to dinner with a friend and pre-sale shop at BBW. Then the busiest week of my not-college-life will ensue. Doubles everyday! Woop! And packing for Bonnaroooo. I can't wait. For serious.

I went to Starbucks earlier - to do payroll and read some of my new book. And a woman was breast feeding. I guess you're a woman when you have a baby, but she was probably my age. Maybe younger. The baby was adorable. But there she was (woman) sitting with her same age-ish (or younger) friend (who just found out she's pregnant) and her baby started to get fussy, so she whipped out some food from underneath her tank top and started feeding baby. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I mean, it's her chest. She can do what she wants with it. But she didn't have a blanket or anything, so she was just sharing it with everyone who came in and out of the store.

I understand the need to feed. I mean, I get cranky when I don't eat every couple of hours. I just think that one day, when I have kids, I will go to the bathroom or to my car or use a cover up. I'm not ashamed of my breasts, but they are mine. Not yours. My husband (one day) will also have some claim to them. And my newborn children. But I don't need to share them with strangers or the man who makes my coffee.

Just thought I'd share.

i've been learning to live without you now

... but I miss you sometimes.

These times are so uncertain. There's a yearning undefined and people filled with rage. We all need a little tenderness. How can love survive in such a graceless age? And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness are the very things we kill, I guess. Pride and competition can not fill these empty arms and the war they put between us, you know it doesn't keep us warm.

I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter... I think it's about forgiveness.

(India. Arie, The Heart of the Matter)

meow

Today was good. good. good.
Sunday has a distinct possibility of good.
Next week is going to be INSANE!
I'm thirteen days away from Bonnaroo 2008.

New music: Margot and the Nuclear So and So's. I'mNotThere Original Soundtrack.

i lived it full and i lived it well...

I am a romantic. And I am idealistic. And I am a mess.

Disney, network television and film did not provoke this (though they often fuel it). I have been this way for a very long time. My mom and dad(s) told me I could be anything I wanted to be. That I deserved the best. That I could do anything I wanted to do. That I could have anything I wanted to have if I wanted it enough.

And everyday I'm a little closer to knowing what all those things are. I'm finding out by trial and error. My mistakes. Your mistakes. My successes. And yours. (Admittedly, also those of television and movie characters...) But they are all baby steps closer to who I want to be - to the life I would like to live.

I want my own happily ever after. I want to be extraordinary.

I want my future to be bigger than my past.

... as many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now. I'm ready now.

well, the rain keeps on coming down

... It feels like a flood in my head.

I'm tired, but not sleepy. Ack.

I just got home from second job. I like my second job. I spend a lot of money at my second job. Oh well.

I'm reading a biography called Fat Girl by Judith Moore. Sometimes it makes me cry.

I want to make a cd, but I keep getting distracted by other music. Aaaand I learned my lesson about putting song lyrics up on Facebook. Sheesh. Sorry for the confusion folks.

I'm listening to the Garden State Soundtrack. I love it.

And it's a winding road. I've been walking for a long time. I still don't know where it goes.

On Saturday, I'm going to sleep. sleep. sleep in. Maybe. Unless I have prior commitments that I don't remember.

I really would like some box macaroni and cheese. I have such strange cravings sometimes. Its too late for me to make that.

I need to make a list of things to do tomorrow - like go to Costco! Ah!

"A lap is an illusion." That's all.

And I can smell the ocean, the salt in the air. And I can see you. You're standing there.

barefoot in the shallow creek

... i've still got miles to go.

i want to know my fate
if i keep up this way.

it's hard to want to stay awake
when everyone you meet,
they all seem to be asleep.

and you wonder if
you're missing your dream.

you can't see... [Bixby Canyon Bridge, DCFC]

manolo and louis. it's all i'm thinking of.

Sex and the City Movie .Com

mine is about as good this far

Epilogue:

I finished reading The Geography of Bliss not too long ago. I forget to mention it. Perhaps, I meant to not mention it. I'm not exactly sure. The subconscious is a strange thing. Anyway... I finished it (finally) and was quite pleased with the lack of answers found in the book. I was also glad to see Asheville thrown in at the end, but am now fearful of it progressing. Go figure.

Here are some of Eric Weiner's parting words...

"... only a fool or a philosopher would make sweeping generalizations about the nature of happiness. I am no philosopher, so here goes: Money matters, but less than we think and not in the way that we think. Family is important. So are friends. Envy is toxic. So is excessive thinking. Beaches are optional. Trust is not. Neither is gratitude."

"Of all the places I visited, of all the people I met, one keeps coming back to me again and again: Karma Ura, the Bhutanese scholar and cancer survivor. 'There is no such thing as personal happiness,' he told me [Eric]. 'Happiness is one hundred percent relational.' At the time I didn't take him literally. I thought he was exaggerating to make his point: that our relationships with other people are more important than we think.

But now I realize Karma meant exactly what he said. Our happiness is completely and utterly interwined with other people: family and friends and neighbors and the woman you hardly notice who cleans your office. Happiness is not a noun or a verb. It's a conjunction. Connective tissue."

"I'm not 100 percent happy. Closer to feevty-feevty, I'd say. All things considered, that's not so bad. No, not bad at all."

Hi. Me again. So, now I wonder, am I happy? On a scale of one to ten, where do I fall? Maybe these questions are why I chose to ignore the end of this book adventure.

I don't know how happy I am, but I'm pretty sure that I am happy. I'm not miserable. I have a wonderful family (who has their own crazy agenda), great friends (though they're dispersed across the country), a boyfriend who loves me (and lives two hours away and haven't seen in almost two months), my very own business (without a lot of customers), some money (not a lot, but most of the time it's enough) and, generally, I am busy enough not to notice any pain or impulsive enough to entertain myself through the nonsense.

Maybe I'm feevty feevty. All the happy things in my life have down sides, but if I can ignore those parts, then I'm fine, yeah? Yeah. I think. Don't think of endings. Only beginnings. Wait out the bad for the good. Ignore the bad? Not sure.

How can you not be happy in a life where peanut butter and strawberry jam Uncrustables exist anyway?

And I am throwing all my thoughts away. And I'm destroying every bet I've made. And I am joining all my thoughts to you. And I'm preparing every part for you.

you make me wanna...

today i had lemonade from chickfila.
i loved every sip.
i mixed it with iced zen tea.
and i loved every sip.

sometimes i'm just in really weird moods.
sometimes i'm crazy. and creative. and moved.
sometimes i'm not.
i'm slightly, oddly, personally motivated. uh.uh.

ashlee simpson - lala
the killers - on top
the la's - there she goes
coldplay - violet hill
sufjan - to be alone with you / all the trees...
sia - little black sandals
regina spektor - that time
iron & wine - boy with a coin
yellowcard - how i go
john mayer trio - another kind of green
postal service - brand new colony

i am so allergic. i can't breathe. no lie.
i would really like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
also not a lie.

la la, la la la, la la, la la la la la la la la la.

fearful eyes don't see very far

I don't know where we've been. Could you tell me where we are again? And Jesus is my only friend. No one else knows who I am.

(Maybe it helps to let the chaos out from time to time. by SylviaK)

and now you're lit up by the city

(the great escape. from leslie on flickr. i thought the lighting was lovely.)

Please, remember me fondly. I heard from someone you're still pretty. And then they went on to say that the pearly gates had some eloquent graffiti.