ashes to ashes. we all fall down.

We are deeply saddened that LeRoi Moore, saxophonist and founding member of Dave Matthews Band, died unexpectedly Tuesday afternoon, August 19, 2008, at Hollywood Presbyterian Medical Center in Los Angeles from sudden complications stemming from his June ATV accident on his farm near Charlottesville, Virginia. LeRoi had recently returned to his Los Angeles home to begin an intensive physical rehabilitation program.

"It always seems easier to leave than be left." - DJM

another four aspirin morning

This is morning. It's when I spend the most time thinking about what I've given up.

I painted my room. I rearranged my furniture. It no longer looks or feels like where I was broken up with. My walls are empty which is depressing, but, hopefully that will change soon.

I feel like people's lives are going on without me. People are happy and productive and I'm stuck in this place where I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I guess just do what I'm doing and doing it well. I'm so glad my friends are happy, but I'm not and it's hard to watch. I need to turn my eyes to God. I know that.

Damn it. I'm trying. I swear. Really. I am.

Ps, I love Jack's Mannequin. This cd is so perfect right now.

I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this - like every inch of me is bruised.

all the details in the fabric

If it's a broken heart, then face it. Hold your own, know your name and go your own way. And everything will be fine.

Are the details in the fabric? Are the things that make you panic? Are your thoughts results of static cling? Are the things that make you blow? Have no reason, go on and scream. If you're shocked, it's just the fault of faulty manufacturing. Everything will be fine. Everything in time.

the song that speaks a thousand words

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow? What do you do with the left over you? And how do you know when to let go? Where does the good go?

Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive. Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go. Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love. Look me in the heart and unbreak broken. It won't happen.

It's love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be real happy and healthy, strong and calm. Where does the good go?

Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows? How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down? What do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down? Where does the good go? -- Tegan and Sara

L is for Lovebomb

L is for lovebomb
Originally uploaded by girlhula

Oh is our life just an illusion? There is no need to figure it out. The separation exists not in your love filled heart, but only in your mind.

This is a photo from a blog I read by a woman who lives in Portland (which is a point I no longer find particularly appealing, but I'll get over it...) Anyway. I think she is lovely. And her life is lovely. And her family is lovely. And I hope and pray that one day I have all those things in such a lovely and creative way as she does.

But for now, I want no one and my life is confusing. I want to find myself - who I am, what I want, where I'm going. And I'm going to start now because I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of making my life second to the life of someone else. I'm tired of caring so much about another person's happiness that I forget to make myself happy. Maybe I'll discover it all next week. Or maybe I won't. I'm hoping I discover it in NYC in January. But maybe I won't. Perhaps at the new job I'm applying for? New Orleans? Morocco? Who knows? The point is I've got to start trying. I've got to start living.

The real story's all around you. Even now it surrounds you. Even now I feel the power.

I'm armed with my friends, my family, my God and some hope. We'll see how this goes...

The world exploded into love all around me.

so damn lucky that you went on ahead

I found my box of letters in my old dresser drawer - the ones you used to write, but you don’t write me anymore. I even got a paper cut trying to figure out what to do with all of these memories now. And you're not who you used to be and I wonder where you’ve gone.

I took everything out of my room. I got a new comforter. I'm painting my walls and rearranging my furniture. There will be new art and new books and new music. There will be new friends. new memories. new love. And part of me wants it so bad and part of me doesn't want to let go. And part of me is sad. And part of me is so angry.

And now I listen to I Nine as a break up cd (ironic) and to country songs from the likes of Emerson Hart and Keith Urban talking about taking your stuff and moving along. I listen to Beyonce replacing people and Leona Lewis tells me it will be better in time. Mostly I listen to John Mayer because I feel like he gets me. It's angsty hopeful.

Remember all those hours laughing on the floor? Those days of doing nothing felt like nothing did before. I tried flipping through these pictures of the way we used to be... God, I’d give up everything to save you and me. This is not how we used to feel and I wonder where you’ve gone.

I don't want to waste any time. He didn't. He made a life changing decision for me in a week. Why can't I do that?

I was driving over the bridge in the rain today listening to music as loud as it would go and on the off ramp my brakes locked up and my car shut off. And I thought that I don't want to die this way. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to leave this memory for people. I have so much to do and so much to offer. And I want to be ok. And I want to be happy.

So I put the car in neutral and started it up again. And I realized how quickly life changes. If that had happened in February when I got my car I would have died. I wouldn't have known what to do. I couldn't drive a stick - much less have known what to do when it malfunctioned. That wasn't very long ago.

So people change. Goals change. Abilities change. I just have to figure out how to keep that happening... "I don't think we can really understand how time passes. We can't study it like a river or tame it with a clock. Our devices only mark its coming and going... Some things have to end, you know. You feel like life is always leading up to something, but it isn't. I mean life is just life. It's all happening right now, and we aren't going to be any more complete a month from now than we are now... God breathed some spark into some mud that became us, and He did it for a reason, and I want to feel that reason, not some false explanation." - Donald Miller

I finished Through Painted Deserts. I think that was step one. And I'm listening to Matchbox Twenty - These Hard Times. Step two?

This same old box of letters used to make me smile, but now I just feel lonely... Have you fallen in a black hole? Somewhere there's a universe of missing love. What happened to the good times? What happened to the moments when we had so much? Where's the love?

amazing still it seems, i'll be twenty-three

"You know what the worst part of it was? When you weren't there, part of me wasn't suprised."

Oy with the communication already! Is anyone really good at it? At telling people the truth or how they feel? Why do people fake it or lie? Why do people keep to themselves what other people would understand or care to know? I would've cared. I do care. I wish I didn't, but I do.

I won't always love what I'll never have. I won't always live in my regrets.

morning can be a time of mourning

I'm waiting for the day when I wake up and it's not the first thing on my mind. I think that will be lovely because crying is no good way to start your day. But I do feel more stable. I am still unhappy and confused and want answers, but I don't cry all day - I only randomly burst into tears. And that's when I call on my friends because I know they, not just will, but want to help me through this. I am so very very blessed in a situation where I feel so lost.

"I wonder at what Paul said back in Portland, how God is good, how it doesn't do any good to run from Him because what He has is good and who He is, is good. Even if I want to run, it isn't really what I want - what I want is Him, even if I don't believe it. If He made all this existence, you would think He would know what He is doing, and you think He could be trusted. Everything I want is just Him, to get lost in Him, to feel His love and more and more of this dazzling that He does. I wonder at His beautiful system and how it feels better than anything I could choose or invent for myself." - Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts

and maybe ours is the cause of all mankind

Everyone turn to p. 149 in your copy of Eat. Pray. Love.

"Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching, I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that's just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That's just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that... you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It's your destiny...

He probably was [your soul mate]. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it.

Your problem is, you just can't let this one go... So love him... So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him and then drop it... If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed."

And when I opened this book again, out fell my Delta itinerary and a receipt for an iced grande caramel macchiato in the San Antonio Int'l Airport. Ouch. $3.99. Can heartbreak be written off with the IRS? With anyone? For anything?

I really need to learn how to throw stuff away.

Maybe that's what I'll do now that I'm twenty-three. Let go. Let God. Throw away trash.

I read with every broken heart we should become more adventurous.

and he woke me up again to say...

I think that when you're too comfortable (even in complete discomfort) that God likes to mix things up - keep you on your toes.

I was laying down and reading Through Painted Deserts when Matt came into my house and broke up with me last week. (wow, seven days, it feels like yesterday and like an eternity at the same time and not much has changed, but everything has changed...) Anyway, it has been hard for me to do anything much less finish a life lesson book about Oregon. Damn Portland, Eugene and Corvallis - all mentioned by name in this book - all places we thought about moving.

But I picked it back up last night between shifts and read this:

"I have just been thinking how what we really want is for people to love us. God, girls [guys], friends, parents. It seems like life is all about stuff, you know? - I just feel like God put us here to enjoy Him and He gave us free will, so it's tough sometimes because people use their free will selfishly but I think He also created us to enjoy Him, that He is love, you know..." (says Paul to Donald Miller)

And maybe that was my problem. Maybe I was too wrapped up in Matt and his happiness and his love for me that I wasn't enjoying God. I wasn't enjoying what He gave me. I was just waiting for the next step. I am here right now for a reason and God wants to manifest himself through me everyday. He was doing that and I wasn't paying attention or appreciating it - I was looking to two years from now. So He pulled me back. He brought me back to now.

And damn it hurts. And I cry everyday. And everything reminds me of Matt. And I'm sad. And I'm mad. And I ache for him. And I ache for me. But God calls me out of it to His purpose.

I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I promise.

And I know, I know you are changed now. I hope, I hope you're arranged out. But I'm still asleep and you woke me up again. And I'm still asleep, but you woke me up to be holy.

so much for my happy ending

You know in The Way We Were when Katie has Hubbell come over because she can't sleep and she wants him to come over because he's her best friend? And he does. He comes. And they talk. And they argue. And she says, "If I push too hard it's because I want things to be better, I want us to be better, I want you to be better. Sure I make waves you have I mean you have to. And I'll keep making them till your everything you should be and will be. You'll never find anyone as good for you as I am, to believe in you as much as I do or to love you as much."

And he says, "I know that."

That's the part that makes me cry.

We were meant to be. Supposed to be. But we lost it.

pride & competition cannot fill these empty arms

The more I know, the less I understand. And all the things I thought I figured out I have to learn again.

I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak and my heart is so shattered. But I think it's about forgiveness. Forgiveness. Even if, even if you don't love me anymore.

you are the friend that answers my call

Good morning... mornings are the worst.

I took an ambien last night so I could sleep without dream, but the first thing I thought of when I woke up was him. and the hurt. and the confusion. And that I would be late for my walk. I hate this so much.

"When prayer seems to be unanswered, beware of trying to place blame on someone else. That is always a trap of Satan. When you seem to have no answer, there is always a reason - God uses these times to give you deep personal instruction, and it is not for anyone else, but you."

I can't wait to be ok again. To know what I'm doing. To be myself again. To genuinely smile again at all my customers instead of having them trying to make me smile.

The girls at the bank gave me flowers and a card wishing me a hopeful heart and brighter days ahead. And I cried. But through all this, it's good to know that I have friends and family who care about me. That I have not just served coffee, but impacted people's lives - people who now think of me as friend and confidante and not just the barista. I'm glad that I could do that.

You are the love I need. You are the air I breathe. You are my love, my life. Always forever.

i'm falling apart. i'm barely breathing.

I had bad dreams last night and I woke up crying in the middle of the night... three times. (This is how people become addicted to sleeping pills.) So, when I woke up this morning I decided to read from "My Utmost for His Highest" which is a daily devotional that Jax let me borrow a bit ago.

abridged from August 5:

" '... and all things that are written by the prophets concerning the Son of Man will be accomplished.' ... But they understood none of these things..." Luke 18:31,34

God called Jesus Christ to what seemed absolute disaster... from every standpoint except God's. But what seemed to be failure from man's standpoint was a triumph from God's standpoint because God's purpose is never the same as man's purpose.

What God calls us to cannot be definitely stated because His call is simply to be His friend to accomplish His own purposes. Our real test is in truly believing that God knows what He desires. The things that happen do not happen by chance - they happen entirely by the decree of God. God is sovereignly working out His own purposes.

The problem is that sometimes God's purpose puts a pain in our hearts and clouds our minds. He doesn't do that to us - we do it to ourselves by allowing he Creator of Lies and the Author of Confusion to speak into our lives. To tell us we did something wrong. Or we're not worth it. Or we'll never find something better. And it's so hard to ignore. It's what wakes us up crying in the middle of the night.

So, Lord, I pray that you protect my heart and my mind from the lies of the world. Fill me with nothing but Your Spirit and constant understanding.

Someone the other day told me they were mad at God for this - for letting bad things happen to good people. And I thought about it and decided what other choice did I have than to believe that this was part of God's plan? That this was a decision he made? Because if I don't have faith, then I have nothing except doubt and pain. And no one wants that.

I might have lost my way, haven't forgotten my way home.

rescue is coming

I’d love to start again, go back to innocent and never leave.

Evidently I blog quite a bit when I'm upset.

Today I was wondering how you fall in love forever? How do you find that one person among many? How do you trust someone else with your heart when another person has been careless with it? How do you find someone else to complete your thoughts or understand your obscure references? How do you know if it's real when you already thought something else was?

I almost walked up to a happy looking young couple in Costco and said "Don't get too attached. It probably won't last."

And I wondered how will I enjoy the things I used to enjoy? Eat the food I used to eat? Listen to the music I used to listen to? How do you go on about things when they used to be so interwined with someone else? Am I supposed to share those things with anyone ever again? Or will they be lost forever? Or will I be too scared to lose them to someone else?

I mean, really, how do you keep going on when all you want to do is rewind?

This is what I found in Proverbs:

21 My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; 22 they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. 23 Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble; 24 when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. 25 Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, 26 for the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared.

And I want to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who has shared words of encouragement or support with me. Thank you to everyone who didn't say a word, but listened when I needed to speak. Thank you to those of you who just sat when there was nothing to be said at all. The response has been overwhelming.

9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. (Ecclesiastes 4)

I'm not okay yet. I'm not going to be okay today. Probably not for awhile. But, please, don't give up on me. I promise I'll come around again. I cried a little less today and even ate some food. Good signs, right?

And [there's] nothing left to do, but believe something bigger. And there’s nothing wrong with love. I know it’s just enough to believe.

Don’t give up now. A break in the clouds. We will be found.

you'd think I'd never seen grace before

And I just can't decide to sink or swim.

I'm putting off the inevitable... I'm still in my pajamas.
I need to get up. I need to take a shower. I need to get dressed.
I need to go to work and back to real life.

Because maybe there’s no gray and I was wrong to tell them so. Then maybe all that I’ve to do was done a long time ago.

For the past couple of days I've been in a bubble surrounded by my close friends, my bed and a little lion who is oddly full of comfort. But now I have to do it by myself. I have to go back to my normal life even though a huge piece of my normal life is missing. And it hurts. My whole body aches and my heart clenches in my chest and I can't breathe. And my head spins and spins with questions. Maybe I did what I was supposed to do - played my role. And even though it hurts me - it was the Plan. I don't know. I may never know. I just want to know what to do now because I'm lost and everything I thought was wrong.

Cause I’ve been dressing up and dressing down for too many people. And I’m a little young to live like a troubled boy, a troubled soul, fish out of water. Cause we’re all just the same. We’re all just as good, and just as bad, and just as distracted by the corners of our eyes.

I need help. I need strength. I need You. Jesus. Come to my rescue. Help me walk. Help me face the day.

i need you, jesus, to come to my rescue

when you feel like the days just drone on and on and on. and you feel like the night is so quickly gone. and on the inside you feel like your heart's just gaping wide. and on the inside, you feel like no one's on your side... I am. I am. I am. I am.

when you thought you could rest, but you found out you were wrong and there's another need, another battle, another one more thing that comes along. and on the inside you hear the fall but you hate the falling sound. and on the inside you can't pick another broken piece up off the ground. well, I know.

hush little baby, don't say a word. Daddy's gone and bought you a great big heaven to rest in. He's bought it with blood and put the seal in your heart. it'll give you the hope you need to get up and start again.

when all the things you thought you left behind are still hanging on. and everything you try to do right ends up all wrong. and on the inside everyone else seems basically fine, but on the inside even they won't let go of the dead and cling to what's alive. well, I am.

like a rolling stone. no direction home.

It rains here often. It's sort of annoying when you're running errands. Oh well.

I'm trying to be more understanding about my situation and everyone else's situations. It's not easy because I'm (almost) twenty-three years old and everything is about me right now.

Claire: I would like to know what is at the center of your world.

Robbie: Center of my world? Wow, you're no monkeyin' around.

Claire: Why? It's very simple, this question.

Robbie: Hm, well, I'm 22. I guess I would say me.

Claire: I suppose you are honest.

Robbie: Don't you think that you're the center or that you should be the center? Thinking with your own head, talking with your own mouth?

Claire: Yes, but there are things in the world, too, that are important.

(This is from the movie I'm Not There. Robbie is supposed to be Bob Dylan.)

I don't really have a point to this blog. I just want people to know that I'm trying. Or maybe to remind myself that I'm supposed to be trying. I'm not sure. Being intentional is much harder than one would think.

Just remind me if I'm being unreasonable, disbelieving, unforgiving or just complacent. Sometimes I need a good swift kick. I promise I won't hold it against you.

My love to you all.

i will go in this way and find my own way out

Do you do things incidentally? or intentionally? What's the difference? And does it matter? Does it matter if you present the moment or if you wait for the moment to be presented? Probably.

in·ci·den·tal –adjective

1.	happening or likely to happen in an unplanned or subordinate conjunction with something else.

2.	incurred casually and in addition to the regular or main amount

in·ten·tion·al –adjective

1.	done with intention (an act or instance of determining mentally upon some action or result) or on purpose; intended

2.	of or pertaining to intention or purpose.

"We all want to help people... but for most of us we just don't know how to shift the gear from incidental to intentional." - Paul Rienzo


"You know, sometimes living the in the suspense of what's going to happen is what's required when you live an intentional life." - Paul Rienzo

"... and it's just like I'm standing on this cliff, looking out into this huge, foggy... like, a huge, foggy abyss, and, in my whole life, there's never been an abyss. It's been abyssless. I've always known exactly what is in front of me, and I've always known exactly where I'm going, and now...I don't know what's out there... and I hate not knowing what is out there. I mean, what's going to happen to my career and my relationship... and the rest of my life?" - Episode 7.07

He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation." Mark 16:15

how can you say your life is empty?

This has been quite the busy week.

David and I were discussing the past, present and future the other day and he asked me if I was happy. I didn't know what to say, so I told him I wasn't unhappy... But I'm not sure that it's the same thing or if I even answered his question.

Hmm. Well, I'm late for work.

Pain comes in stages. If we don't make it, nothing changes.

but don't think twice, it's all right

I started this blog several days ago (Friday). And now I will finish it even though I'm in a completely different mood. Which is also why I changed my dots. I love the dots, so I didn't want to get rid of them and my only other option was "dark dots" so that's what I went with.

If you read the back of a goldfish (the crackers) package at the ingredients, the first thing it says is "made with smiles". I think that's funny. Charming, even. But probably a lie.

Firefly vodka has new Sweet Tea flavored vodka. I love it. If you would like to purchase my poor self a bottle, I would appreciate it. Kt's apartment went through a huge bottle in two days. We also finished off two thirds of a handle of tequila. And had soy white russians and mimosas for breakfast. And cupcakes at midnight. It's a lush life.

She also has a naked neighbor. No lie.

So, I've mentioned before that I don't take most of the pictures on my blog and that I particularly like keeping up with this girl Leslie who is doing a 365 picture blog. Well, she has this video up now that she needs to be hit with a lot of views, so if you could do that for her, well, I think she would really appreciate it. It's about green tea.

This is a picture from London by someone who I don't know. And it's of a Pearly King. It's interesting to read about them if you have some time on your hands.

an excerpt from Through Painted Deserts:

"I think to myself about the weight in my pack. Last night, Paul and I talked a bit about the stuff that we carry with us, all the weight we walk around with, emotional baggage, thinking we need stuff we don't need. We weren't getting very deep or anything, but I keep thinking about it, and how much stuff I walk around with, about how life is a dance and God just meant for us to enjoy life, not get bogged down in sin and religion. Just be good, it seems like, is the point of life; be kind to people; don't hate anybody; forgive people because we all make mistakes. I know there are always going to be exceptions to this kind of thinking, but it seems like life would be better if we could just let go of the thought we need more and more stuff to be happy, more and more the approval of others."

Kt bought me a new Starbucks smoothie the other night. It was Orange Mango Banana. I liked it, but I feel like it defeats the purpose of going to Starbucks since they are a coffeehouse. But whatever. Next time I think I'll add matcha to it.

Speaking of smoothies, I've been drinking a green one everyday to boost my health. I'm talking I add spinach and cucumbers and kiwis and other fruit in a blender and then drink it. Surprisingly good. Except for celery. I don't like it in smoothies.

I hate hiring people. Anyone in Charleston want a very part time job?

So today (Monday) was pretty sucky. I didn't sleep well last night. The store didn't look good this morning when I came in - there was a lot for me to do. Then it started to hail and look all hurricane-esque outside. And blah blah blah. Oh well, right?

And we're out of stamps! How am I supposed to send cards to people without stamps?? Oy.

It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe. It don't matter anyhow.

the answer is blowin' in the wind

Last night I watched Factory Girl - it was about Edie Sedgewick "an ambitious starlet who becomes the muse of Andy Warhol. Heading for New York City's bright lights after dropping out of college in 1965, Edie meets pop-culture icon Andy, who turns her into the toast of the town. But she soon discovers that glamour and fame have a price." I loved it.

And now, after it, I hate Andy Warhol - who I hardly knew anything about outside of the pop art section of my art history book.

And I am now obsessed with Bob Dylan (who Edie was involved with at some point in her very short life... She died when she was 28.)


So, I've been listening to a lot of Bob Dylan. And I ordered Chronicles Volume 1. And I can't get enough of The Drawn Blank Series.

How many times must a man look up before he can see the sky? Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have before he can hear people cry? Yes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows that too many people have died? The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind.

I have more to say about other things, but I'll save it for another post.

i'll hang on, grab onto your feet

Not now, but soon, the most beautiful light will wake us to pillow fighting excitement.


Oh, is it nothing's anymore? Terrifying. Best, days of our lives. We're hanging on the best days of our lives. Today's about the best days of our lives. Oh, they're coming right up. If we can just get through this one.

that's just the way it looks from where i'm standing

I guess I'm growing up.

Decisions are made.
Cities are chosen.
U Hauls are rented.
Education continues.
Businesses are owned.
Cars are bought.
Cars are broken.
IRAs are opened.
Pasts burn down.
People get engaged.
People get married.
People have babies.
Schedules fill quickly.
Phone calls get missed.
Trips are fewer.

God is definitely telling me something.

I guess I'm growing up.

Let it fall. Let it come down. Let it crash around you.

however small the first step is hardest of all

Where the Hell is Matt?

This video makes me so happy. And when I watch it I feel like there is hope for all of us. (If you go to the website or the youtube page, then you can watch it in high quality...)

Stream of Life
by Rabindranath Tagore

The same stream of life that runs through my veins night and day
runs through the world and dances in rhythmic measures.

It is the same life that shoots in joy through the dust of the earth
in numberless blades of grass
and breaks into tumultuous waves of leaves and flowers.

It is the same life that is rocked in the ocean-cradle of birth
and of death, in ebb and in flow.

I feel my limbs are made glorious by the touch of this world of life.
And my pride is from the life-throb of ages dancing in my blood this moment.

"... wondering out-loud if there is more to life than nine-to-five jobs, than the ruts the entire world seems to be stuck in."

if you give you begin to live. you get the world. you get the world. if you give you begin to live. you might die trying.

I took a fall and found out I could bleed

These days I'm afraid of everything. Suppose cause everything will die. Thought it was to love what they will lose. So much easier to lie.

I lied. I was having a good day. A great day, even. And then I remembered that I was (subconsciously, evidently) upset. And then I was (surprisingly) bitchy. And then I started to cry. (What! Why was I crying? I didn't even know I needed to cry! Seriously?? Being a girl is ridiculous. Guh.)

Being out of control is like a constant back pedaling cycle. I'm doing good, then I get upset and then I have to start all over again. Hi. My name is Erin. And I wish everything was the way I wanted it.

That's just silly.

I'm reading Through Painted Deserts.

"I tend to think life is about security, that when you have a full year's rent, you can rest. I worry about things too much, I worry about whether or not my ideas are right, I worry about whether or not people like me, I worry about whether or not I am going to get married, and then I worry about whether or not my girl will leave me if I do get married. Lately, I found myself worrying about whether or not my car was fashionable, whether I sounded like an idiot when I spoke in public, whether or not my hair was going to fall out, and all of it, perhaps I bought into Houston, one thousand square miles of concrete and strip malls and megachurches and cineplexes, not of it real." - Donald Miller

At least I'm not the only one.

I'm just supposed to be better than this. I'm supposed to be calm and secure and happy. I'm not supposed to freak out or cry or worry.

At least I have a life worth worrying and crying over. Yeah?

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Actually it's more like most of the time. But every now and then when I'm sleeping, I still have a dream that I'm flying.

you and me have a better time than most can dream

Kt said, "I think I'm happier now."
"Is it the caffeine or the shelves?" I asked.
She replied, "I think it's you."

Hey, my friend, it seems your eyes are troubled. Care to share your time with me? Would you say you're feeling low and so a good idea would be to get it off your mind...

thinking about another day...

... wishing I was far away. Wherever I dreamed I was - you were there with me.

I'm the worst reader. I never finish any books. Never! Ugh.

And it was a really good book too. I'm not ending it. I'm just adding other books. I'll come back to it eventually...? It's not the books. It's me. I'm noncommittal. Eek.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

You know that feeling you get where all of sudden you think that you've been going about this - life, work, thought, relationships, future, health - all wrong? That's me. Right now. I'm not sure if it has been creeping up on me or if it was instantaneous.

I usually respond to this feeling quickly - like putting a band aid on a cut. I'm not really letting anything heal, I'm just covering it up to make it better... Perhaps, this time, if I take more steps with more precision and right mindedness, then I will make a change and there will be no scar left from the cut.

Does this make sense?

One day at a time, I always say. Which is a lie. I never say that. I only tackle several days a time. And forget what life is really all about. Damn. Darn. Shoot.

Slow and steady wins the race. I want that to be my motto.

I need a bedtime.

I hope you always know it's true that I would never make it through 'cause you could make the sun go down just by walking away.

We will cross the mighty ocean into Charleston Bay

This! This was totally worth waiting in line at 6am. This was my finest hour. The moment I've been training for my entire life.

Seek Up *
Old Dirt Hill *
Best of Whats Around +
Crush *
You Might Die Trying *
#41 *
Everyday *
Corn Bread *
Sail Away ~
Sledgehammer *
Ants Marching *
Sister ^
So Damn Lucky *
Louisiana Bayou *
Crash Into Me *
So Much To Say *
(Anyone Seen The Bridge *)
Too Much *
Encore:
Hey Hey My My
Tripping Billies


Guests:
All Songs With Tim Reynolds
All Songs With Rashawn Ross
* Jeff Coffin

Soundcheck:
Sugar Will
Sledgehammer
The Best Of What's Around
Too Much
Sugar Will

Notes:
+ No Horns
~ Dave, Carter and Tim
^ Dave, Tim, Carter and Rashaw

via. AntsMarching.org because those people are awesome!

My favorite song! And Matt's favorite song! And Kt's! Perfect!

mushaboom mushaboom

mmm. Thank you Courtney for letting me steal this cd from you.

Feist - Mushaboom - Video

Update? I've been busy with work and friends and... sleeping/caffeination. I go to bed late and then have to wake up early and it's a vicious cycle.

Work has been so interesting... I love my employees. They are so awesome. I hope I convey to them how much I appreciate them.

Rachel, "Um, her name? Her name is... She's taken!"

But in the meantime we've got it hard, second floor living without a yard. It may be years until the day my dreams will match up with my pay.

so come over, just be patient, and don't worry

No, I don't wanna battle from beginning to end.
I don't want a cycle of recycled revenge.
I don't wanna follow Death and all of his friends.


And in the end we lie awake and we dream of making our escape.

every moment was so precious

Coldplay. Section 110. Row A. Hollaaaa.

just waiting 'til the shine wears off

Just because I'm losing doesn't mean I'm lost. Doesn't mean I'll stop. Doesn't mean I would cross. Just because I'm hurting doesn't mean I'm hurt. Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved. No better and no worse... Coldplay, Lost!

i guess it's not the way you always planned it

hello. it's me again. it's three days now that you've been in my dreams. and i don't know, i guess you've just been on my mind.

This is the Mr. and Mrs. Linda picture.

Linda was from Portugal. She moved here with her husband Joe who is retired military. She would come in the store every morning and drink espresso (sometimes three or four shots). We bought these little cups for them. She gave my mom and I little porcelain roosters from Portugal. She was so funny and honest. She would tell me stories about her life and about how my life would be. She told me not to hurry to get married - to do everything I wanted to do and be everything I wanted to be. She told me I was beautiful - inside and out. She was very sick and had a stroke, so she was hard to understand, but was worth every word to listen hard. She was a great woman, a wise woman, a loving woman, a caring woman. She kept going into the hospital and we saw her less and less, but then they would show up and we would talk.

Friday her husband stopped in... I never got to say goodbye.

goodbye. i'll let you go. i'll get back to life.

sometimes even the right is wrong

I love love love this cd. I can't wait to see Coldplay in November!

Lovers, keep on the road you're on. Runners, until the race is run. Soldiers, you’ve got to soldier on. Sometimes even the right is wrong.

it's always better when we're together...

more roo pics: here. here. and here.

just a puppet on a lonely string

You can listen to the entire new Coldplay album on IHeartMusic.com.

I signed up for this because Bonnaroo told me I should. I'm not even sure how it works, but feel free to load me up with cash (you can add to it like a gift card...). Plus, everyone should do it because you get a really cool card - mine is orange. And it's free... I think.

Be Generous on Facecard!

and this leans on me like a rootless tree

[I am in a Damien mood. I love his voice. And I love this song. Especially this version. Their expressions are amazing, too. I may have even posted this video before I love it so much. It's got some language, so don't listen to if you're under 18...]



And, you know, I would never marry Damien Rice. Not that I want to, but I think it would be wrong. I mean, what if Damien got happy? He's angry and unhappy and he pours that into his music. Marrying Damien Rice would be the equivalent of what happened to Alanis after she started dating Ryan Reynolds. I mean, come on, man! No more jagged little pills for anyone - how selfish! What would we do with no more Rootless Trees? Guh.

i say a prayer with every heartbeat...

There's a boy I know. He's the one I dream of. Looks into my eyes. Takes me to the clouds above.

I went to Rebecca's dance recital the other night and it has me listening to all sorts of crazy music - like Whitney Houston and Rascal Flatts.

I think low rise jeans are of the devil.

I also think that boxes are fresh hungarian pastries are in cahoots (is that how you spell that word?) with low rise jeans.

I like to go out to dinner and use parts of my meal to depict certain people and tell stories.

I cannot wait for Bonnaroo.

These past few days have not been good. I've been busy and tired and am now on my third contact that isn't any better than the first two. I fell asleep at 7:30 last night and didn't wake up until 8am this morning. And I'm pretty sure I still feel tired. Ack.

I do have Netflix now and that seems promising.

I don't take most of the pictures I post on my blog. I just want that on the record. This is from a girl I found on flickr! Her name is Leslie and I like her pictures.

I just re-read this and realized it wasn't very uplifting. So, I will also give you a poem:

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

e.e. cummings

How will I know if he really loves me? I say a prayer with every heartbeat. I fall in love whenever we meet.

a prada dress has never broke my heart before

Today is not what I had anticipated. I should stop anticipating.

I did find a new book to read. I Was Told There'd Be Cake. Yup. I gave up on PS I Love You - again. I'm not in the mood for sad. I'm in the mood for satire and snarky.


I Was Told There'd Be Cake by Sloane Crosley from Book Videos on Vimeo.

Later, I will go out to dinner with a friend and pre-sale shop at BBW. Then the busiest week of my not-college-life will ensue. Doubles everyday! Woop! And packing for Bonnaroooo. I can't wait. For serious.

I went to Starbucks earlier - to do payroll and read some of my new book. And a woman was breast feeding. I guess you're a woman when you have a baby, but she was probably my age. Maybe younger. The baby was adorable. But there she was (woman) sitting with her same age-ish (or younger) friend (who just found out she's pregnant) and her baby started to get fussy, so she whipped out some food from underneath her tank top and started feeding baby. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I mean, it's her chest. She can do what she wants with it. But she didn't have a blanket or anything, so she was just sharing it with everyone who came in and out of the store.

I understand the need to feed. I mean, I get cranky when I don't eat every couple of hours. I just think that one day, when I have kids, I will go to the bathroom or to my car or use a cover up. I'm not ashamed of my breasts, but they are mine. Not yours. My husband (one day) will also have some claim to them. And my newborn children. But I don't need to share them with strangers or the man who makes my coffee.

Just thought I'd share.

i've been learning to live without you now

... but I miss you sometimes.

These times are so uncertain. There's a yearning undefined and people filled with rage. We all need a little tenderness. How can love survive in such a graceless age? And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness are the very things we kill, I guess. Pride and competition can not fill these empty arms and the war they put between us, you know it doesn't keep us warm.

I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter... I think it's about forgiveness.

(India. Arie, The Heart of the Matter)

meow

Today was good. good. good.
Sunday has a distinct possibility of good.
Next week is going to be INSANE!
I'm thirteen days away from Bonnaroo 2008.

New music: Margot and the Nuclear So and So's. I'mNotThere Original Soundtrack.

i lived it full and i lived it well...

I am a romantic. And I am idealistic. And I am a mess.

Disney, network television and film did not provoke this (though they often fuel it). I have been this way for a very long time. My mom and dad(s) told me I could be anything I wanted to be. That I deserved the best. That I could do anything I wanted to do. That I could have anything I wanted to have if I wanted it enough.

And everyday I'm a little closer to knowing what all those things are. I'm finding out by trial and error. My mistakes. Your mistakes. My successes. And yours. (Admittedly, also those of television and movie characters...) But they are all baby steps closer to who I want to be - to the life I would like to live.

I want my own happily ever after. I want to be extraordinary.

I want my future to be bigger than my past.

... as many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now. I'm ready now.

well, the rain keeps on coming down

... It feels like a flood in my head.

I'm tired, but not sleepy. Ack.

I just got home from second job. I like my second job. I spend a lot of money at my second job. Oh well.

I'm reading a biography called Fat Girl by Judith Moore. Sometimes it makes me cry.

I want to make a cd, but I keep getting distracted by other music. Aaaand I learned my lesson about putting song lyrics up on Facebook. Sheesh. Sorry for the confusion folks.

I'm listening to the Garden State Soundtrack. I love it.

And it's a winding road. I've been walking for a long time. I still don't know where it goes.

On Saturday, I'm going to sleep. sleep. sleep in. Maybe. Unless I have prior commitments that I don't remember.

I really would like some box macaroni and cheese. I have such strange cravings sometimes. Its too late for me to make that.

I need to make a list of things to do tomorrow - like go to Costco! Ah!

"A lap is an illusion." That's all.

And I can smell the ocean, the salt in the air. And I can see you. You're standing there.

barefoot in the shallow creek

... i've still got miles to go.

i want to know my fate
if i keep up this way.

it's hard to want to stay awake
when everyone you meet,
they all seem to be asleep.

and you wonder if
you're missing your dream.

you can't see... [Bixby Canyon Bridge, DCFC]

manolo and louis. it's all i'm thinking of.

Sex and the City Movie .Com

mine is about as good this far

Epilogue:

I finished reading The Geography of Bliss not too long ago. I forget to mention it. Perhaps, I meant to not mention it. I'm not exactly sure. The subconscious is a strange thing. Anyway... I finished it (finally) and was quite pleased with the lack of answers found in the book. I was also glad to see Asheville thrown in at the end, but am now fearful of it progressing. Go figure.

Here are some of Eric Weiner's parting words...

"... only a fool or a philosopher would make sweeping generalizations about the nature of happiness. I am no philosopher, so here goes: Money matters, but less than we think and not in the way that we think. Family is important. So are friends. Envy is toxic. So is excessive thinking. Beaches are optional. Trust is not. Neither is gratitude."

"Of all the places I visited, of all the people I met, one keeps coming back to me again and again: Karma Ura, the Bhutanese scholar and cancer survivor. 'There is no such thing as personal happiness,' he told me [Eric]. 'Happiness is one hundred percent relational.' At the time I didn't take him literally. I thought he was exaggerating to make his point: that our relationships with other people are more important than we think.

But now I realize Karma meant exactly what he said. Our happiness is completely and utterly interwined with other people: family and friends and neighbors and the woman you hardly notice who cleans your office. Happiness is not a noun or a verb. It's a conjunction. Connective tissue."

"I'm not 100 percent happy. Closer to feevty-feevty, I'd say. All things considered, that's not so bad. No, not bad at all."

Hi. Me again. So, now I wonder, am I happy? On a scale of one to ten, where do I fall? Maybe these questions are why I chose to ignore the end of this book adventure.

I don't know how happy I am, but I'm pretty sure that I am happy. I'm not miserable. I have a wonderful family (who has their own crazy agenda), great friends (though they're dispersed across the country), a boyfriend who loves me (and lives two hours away and haven't seen in almost two months), my very own business (without a lot of customers), some money (not a lot, but most of the time it's enough) and, generally, I am busy enough not to notice any pain or impulsive enough to entertain myself through the nonsense.

Maybe I'm feevty feevty. All the happy things in my life have down sides, but if I can ignore those parts, then I'm fine, yeah? Yeah. I think. Don't think of endings. Only beginnings. Wait out the bad for the good. Ignore the bad? Not sure.

How can you not be happy in a life where peanut butter and strawberry jam Uncrustables exist anyway?

And I am throwing all my thoughts away. And I'm destroying every bet I've made. And I am joining all my thoughts to you. And I'm preparing every part for you.

you make me wanna...

today i had lemonade from chickfila.
i loved every sip.
i mixed it with iced zen tea.
and i loved every sip.

sometimes i'm just in really weird moods.
sometimes i'm crazy. and creative. and moved.
sometimes i'm not.
i'm slightly, oddly, personally motivated. uh.uh.

ashlee simpson - lala
the killers - on top
the la's - there she goes
coldplay - violet hill
sufjan - to be alone with you / all the trees...
sia - little black sandals
regina spektor - that time
iron & wine - boy with a coin
yellowcard - how i go
john mayer trio - another kind of green
postal service - brand new colony

i am so allergic. i can't breathe. no lie.
i would really like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
also not a lie.

la la, la la la, la la, la la la la la la la la la.

fearful eyes don't see very far

I don't know where we've been. Could you tell me where we are again? And Jesus is my only friend. No one else knows who I am.

(Maybe it helps to let the chaos out from time to time. by SylviaK)

and now you're lit up by the city

(the great escape. from leslie on flickr. i thought the lighting was lovely.)

Please, remember me fondly. I heard from someone you're still pretty. And then they went on to say that the pearly gates had some eloquent graffiti.

trying to figure out what to do with these memories

Remember all those hours laughing on the floor?
Those days of doing nothing felt like nothing did before?

I can't stop sneezing. All day. It's awful.

Today was free scoop day!

And I Nine's new album came out. I like being supportive.

I'm reliving all sorts of college memories right now.

I'm working two jobs. And my car needs to be fixed.

And it's almost Kt's Birthday!

And I miss Matt. A lot. I'll see him one day and it'll be magical. Yes, that is the correct adjective.

This is completely random.

I wonder where you've gone. Have you fallen in a black hole?

but i don't care what they say

Truth time... I like watching Vh1 top twenty. For serious. The new Matchbox 20 video releases a million balloons.

I coffee shop stalked today. Kudu. Metto. Starbucks. Dunkin Doughnuts. So many prices to compare. So much caffeine to intake. Ack. Ack. Ack.

From The Geography of Bliss:

"I think America is one of the most stressed countries in the world. You think you need money to buy happiness. You hire people to do everything, even to mow your lawn. Here [Thailand], even wealthy people do that themselves. We think it's fun."

"... they would make thousands and thousands of paper cranes and drop them from airplanes as a peace gesture. 'They basically bombed the south with these paper cranes,' says Scott, incredulously. 'It was the most bizarre thing I've ever seen.'"


... But nothing’s greater than the rush that comes with your embrace.

they will see us waving from such great heights

I'm thinking its a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.

from: http://wreckthisjournal.com/

This book was created for anyone who has ever had trouble starting/keeping or finishing a journal/sketchbook. By forcing ourselves to wreck it on purpose, the “journal as an object” loses it’s preciousness, and allows us the feeling of completion. This book was created for every person who has looked at other artist’s journals and said, “I wish I could do that. I’ve started dozens of them but didn’t stick with it.” or, “But the journal itself is so beautiful, I don’t want to wreck it with my ideas/handwriting/drawings.” Or, “I feel pressured to write something good.”

In this book good does not exist. The goal is to fill it up, to shift your perception of the blank page and the journal itself into a place for experimentation. Into a place where you just get stuff out onto the page. A place to start working against your better judgment. To do those things you were taught to never do (make a mess, destroy, fold down pages, write in books, play with dirt). This book IS the place.

Each page of Wreck This Journal is filled with prompts telling you how to systematically ‘destroy’ the entire book.

True, it may seem like a stretch, but its thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away, when I'm missing you to death.

i'm on the right side with you

i don't need another kind of green to know

i feel it all. i feel it all. i love you more.

I don't know what I knew before, but now I know I want to win the war.

Life is (generally) [quite] good.

There are a few things beyond my control. Way beyond my control. Things that I would like to have control of, but... I don't. So, I will work hard (yay visual standards!). And I will learn more (like how you win a match in tennis). And I will practice patience. And I will wear more sunscreen when I spend all day outside (ouch).

I'm going to get coffee.

No one likes to take a test. Sometimes we don't pull or flex. Put your weight against the door. Kick drum on the basement floor.

oh crystal ball, crystal ball

Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball. Save us all, tell me life is beautiful, mirror, mirror on the wall.

It has been over a week since I blogged. Wowza.

This morning Matt called to tell me good morning and give me compliments (really, he is getting a lot today because he's an amazing airman and is getting lots of awards). And Tom brought me chocolate covered strawberries at work. Plus, I got off work at noon. Today has been good so far.

I'm living downtown again. I like it. It's weird being alone at night though.

It's weird to share your personal space with someone - to take another person and their habits and quirks and mix them with your own habits and quirks. It works somehow though. That's good.

Poor CiCi is quite sick. She may have lymphoma. All I actually know is that her joints/muscles aren't working very well and its sad. I wonder if she's in pain.

Today I talked to Matt Jones, Matt Carrowan, David and Rachel. I love all four of those people very much. Sometimes I'm scared of being phased out of people's lives. I hope that never actually happens.

I can't wait for June and Matt and Bonnaroo. I can't wait for July for Dave. I had my espresso machine re-hauled. Starbucks has a new roast that I haven't tried yet. I might be buying a pretty and expensive purse. The Farmer's Market opens tomorrow! Explosions in the Sky is playing tomorrow, too! And I strongly recommend Abita Strawberry Harvest.

I guess lots of other things have been going on with work and personally, but I'm not feeling like pulling it all out right now, so you may never ever hear about them. Sorry.

I want to live a simpler life. Less stuff. Less responsibility. I want to move and be free to move again if I want. Sort of like college, but without the classes holding me back. Maybe I want to go back to school. Maybe I don't. I don't think I miss classes. I think I miss Columbia and my freedom and my friends.

So, really, I have no clue what the hell I'm doing with the rest of my life. Hmph. Any ideas? I'm totally open to suggestions...

"College was easier than life. I'd like it back now." - Rachel

Oh, crystal ball, hear my song. I'm fading out, everything I know is wrong, so put me where I belong.

and it rained all night and then all day

Six word biography: Living on caffeine and Thom Yorke.

My espresso machine is being fixed at 7:30am...

This month, I'm buying only food and necessities. This is difficult.

I can see you, but I can never reach you.

and it's beginning to get to me...

That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head.

They say everything happens for a reason. And what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. The hard part is not becoming callous or apathetic because it's so easy to find yourself there. I've done some difficult things recently. I've had some friends meltdown. I've listened to frustration with no end in sight. So, what do you do?

You hang on or let go. You decide whether you're in it for the long haul. You run the red light. You follow your bliss.

I wish life was simple and that everyone was happy and where they wanted to be and who they wanted to be with. I wish there was no doubt or disappointment or sadness.

I believe in happily ever after. I just wish it would hurry up.

We need to feel breathless with love
And not collapsed under its weight.
I'm gasping for the air to fill
My lungs with everything I've lost.

so much to say. so much to say.

uh oh traffic jam.

A lot has happened. I've been busy. And continue to be busy. So many people and so many events to share and do. But I wanted to share one thing with you all (from a movie I have yet to see)... I hope you enjoy.



And I hope you're happier than a pigeon with a french fry.

and I can't react

Today was ridiculous.
New job. Scary.
Old job. Disappointing.
The real world is a crazy place.
I miss Matt.
I like good nonfat capp foam.
Tomorrow will be quite productive.

Take this sinking boat and point it home. We've still got time.

beautiful are the words spoken to me

"Woman," he said, "why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?" Thinking he was the gardener, she said, "Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him."

Jesus said to her, "Mary." She turned toward him and cried out "Rabboni!"

Jesus said, "Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, 'I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.' "

John 20:15-17

And beautiful is the One who is speaking.

when it all comes down you're cycling trivialities

43things helps me get things done.
So does the little tiny list I make everyday.

I'm going to enjoy this weekend.
I'm not going to stress out. I'm going to get things done.
I'm going to put away all my laundry.
And I'm going to clean my house while the family is away.

I have a lot of books. Some I bought. Some were gifts.
Some I would like to read. Some I should read.
And I'm not so sure about the rest...

To read: (finish) The Geography of Bliss, PS I Love You, Good Omens, Stuart: A Life Backwards, Oh the Glory of it All, The Nasty Bits, Captivating (all the way through), Sacred Sex (because my Mom wants me to), Kite Runner, A Long Way Gone, Everything is Illuminated, Stranger Than Fiction, 1984, Beach Music, Harry Potters 1-6, Jarhead (maybe, but Joe is deploying so maybe not).

There are other books on my shelf, but not that I have the overwhelming desire or guilt to read. Oh, Through Painted Deserts, too. Because that belongs to Bob - Sorry, Bob.

But, yeah, so that's a lot of books. I need to get cracking.

I got a new job. I'll be working at Bath and Body Works to get some time away from Wholly Cow. Mostly so I don't have to pay myself - makes me feel bad. And then I can give others more hours that they want.

I miss Matt. I'm glad he gets to do Honor Guard and that he's taking classes, but I miss him. One day, we will live in the same city again and it will be great!

I want to take a hot yoga class. Anybody with me?

Interesting: http://betterme.org/cleansweep.html

Don't know which way to turn. Every trifle becoming big concerns. All this time you were chasing dreams, without knowing what you wanted them to mean.

you're on fire when he's near

don't let your soul get lonely child

It's only time, it will go by. Don't look for love in faces, places. It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness.

Growing up and moving on. Holding on and letting go. All these things require a delicate balance. Work. Home. Relationships. Hope. Expectation. Things aren't always as they seem or as you would like. Sometimes you have to continue forward in the direction of your life.

I realize this is all very vague, but these are all thoughts that have come to fruition over the past hour and a half of some good and frustrating conversation... I write about this a lot.

I mean, a lot of problems are with myself. Maybe I should stop allowing other people to affect me and I should build my wall up tall and strong again. Maybe I need less talk and more action. I don't know. I suppose I'll figure it out one day. Soon. I hope.

I'm not upset or mad. I'm just confused. Perhaps that's life as a twenty-something.

Don't lose your faith in me and I will try not to lose faith in you. Don't put your trust in walls 'cause walls will only crush you when they fall.

Be here now, here now.

we ain't together, but you stay with me

The Fellowship of the Believers

They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved. [Acts 2:42-47]

but there is none

I couldn't find you last night for quite some time. Wishing to tell you everything running through my mind.

"I love my family so much. But, to love just isn't enough. It must be active, constantly active and often spoken." - G Curry

Satiate my mind and calm my nerves to look and find words that aren’t enough and never show a single piece, a single piece of my mind.

'cause it's all in my head

Maybe it's because Hanneke left.
Maybe it's because of the cd I found from 11.22.2004.
Maybe it's because of discussion of old flames.
Maybe it's because of the old blog entries about old friends.
Maybe it's because I wish I had finished that poli sci minor.
Maybe it's because of the reality of the present.

I am mourning the loss of my freshman and sophomore years of college.

I think about it over and over again. I can't go on not loving you.

there's a corner of your heart for me.

I started my cleanse today.
And I quit my cleanse today.

I would rather starve myself than drink that mix.

And that's not healthy.

I have a massive list of things to do tomorrow. Ack.

Tonight, Rebecca and I read It's Not Easy Being a Bunny and If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. Simple for both of us, yet so enjoyable.

Sometimes I think its not fair and I want to forget all of my past and all of your past and live only right now in this moment. Is that silly?

There's one minute of your day. I will leave this man just to occupy one minute of your day. Just to occupy one minute of your day.

i like it in the city when two worlds collide

I've been walking in the same way as I did... "I ain't lost, just wandering."

Yesterday, I watched two movies. Well, one and a half. And they were both about having affairs. They both made me very upset. So upset that Matt offered to let us leave The Other Boleyn Girl. And the other movie was called Unfaithful (I think) with Diane Lane and Richard Gere. I fell asleep during it.

Both were depressing and involved fatal head injuries. I'm longing for a good cinderella-esque movie where everyone lives happily ever after.

I would like to live happily ever after.

Matt came yesterday - very early - and I enjoyed every moment. I didn't cry when he left. I just watched that stupid Unfaithful movie and then when my mom asked me if I was ok, all I could say was "I miss Matt." Being a girl is ridiculous sometimes.

I had the honey latte at Starbucks. Tall two pump nonfat. It was good. I would drink it again. Not for the next ten days because Kt and I are doing a cleanse. I'm a little worried, but I still want to do it.

I'm being made over on Tuesday.

And I think I successfully locked our wireless internet, but, in the process, locked my computer off the network. Ugh.

I feel trapped.

Round my hometown, memories are fresh. Round my hometown, ooh the people I've met are the wonders of my world.