some tool spilled beer on me before i even got to my seat, but other than that, the show was fantastic. i can't believe it took me this long to see him. check the set list here.

"he just hasn't met you yet." - kelley (to me ab john mayer)

johncmayer Charleston should teach awesome crowd lessons. Unreal tonight! RT @drh3 Charleston BROUGHT IT

this week promises to hold a lot.

john mayer. aunt kelley. training with mj. baked. marrah. latte throwdown at metto. two off tuesday at alchemy. alison's wedding dress. dinner with charles. valentine's day the movie. lots of running. and chocolate milk.... women's health says i should drink it after work outs. yesss.

lots to look forward to... yep.

dear john made me cry.
i cried for the whole two hours.
i cried from the moment he said he was special forces
until the moment the theater turned on the lights.
i should have taken tissues.

also, movies like that make me never want to move.

and i don't know if you notice anything different.
this is the thing.

“We’re all susceptible to it, the dread and anxiety of not knowing what’s coming. It’s pointless in the end, because all the worrying and the making of plans for things that could or could not happen, it only makes things worse. So walk your dog or take a nap. Just whatever you do, stop worrying. Because the only cure for paranoia is to be here, just as you are.” - Grey's Anatomy

sometimes i am selfish.
sometimes i am just lazy.
sometimes i can't decide.

oy.

"You don't have to change, grow or be good in order to be loved; rather, you are loved so you can change, grow and be good." - Brennan Manning

I wonder if people are disappointing or if I am easily disappointed?

No. I'm not the man I used to be lately.
See you met me at an interesting time.
If my past is any sign of your future,
you should be warned before I let you inside.

I don't really understand.

Who do you love? Me or the thought of me?

a red velvet woopie pie from BAKED on east bay street.

i love days off. i even think i prefer them in the middle of the week. esp. with friends. and it has been an interesting one. lots of doing & talking & thinking. and eating. a lot of that, too.

it might be a quarter life crisis or just a stirring in my soul.

hello.

tim tam slam - i did these last night. my folks think i'm nuts.

they way i see it. they might be right.

and i painted my nails. they almost look like this.

i made cold brew coffee. i haven't tried it yet.

this capp looks good though. it's cold. i should have one.

hmm. decisions.

someone should buy me some matcha powder.

just saying.

i had coconut fro yo with mangos & strawberries tonight.

delish.

i like cold drinks & tropical smells.

gin&tonic.
with lime.
vodka&soda.
splash of oj.

my mom bought me a bottle of peach vodka.
i let my grandpa have some. hahaha.

iced soy two pump toffee nut caramel machiato.
iced soy one pump vanilla green tea latte.

feist (the reminder).
citizen cope (the clarence greenwood recordings).
jack's mannequin (everything in transit).
coldplay (viva la vida).
dave matthews band (big whiskey).
all make me think of summer.

i have WAY TOO MUCH music.

i am so ready for warm weather. i can hardly stand it.

The ocean breathes salty, won’t you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul
And maybe we’ll get lucky and we’ll both grow old
Well, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know
I hope so

(Modest Mouse)

THERE IS SO MUCH HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!

I was watching The Notebook (which I previously hated and never made me cry) while I was folding laundry (my absolute least favorite chore) last night and there was this shot of Allie in the bath that made me laugh and then I remembered that's what I was sort of like yesterday. Hahaha. So, I googled to get a screen cap, but alas. I did find this description from maryannknits which I hope paints a picture in your mind:

Do you remember when Allie (Rachel McAdams) is trying on her wedding dress, and she sees the picture of Noah in the paper, and then she faints? Right after that, she is in the bathtub with her veil on and a glass of liquor (brandy? sherry?). It made me laugh maniacally for a solid ten minutes (I hope that you can recall this scene, as google images has disappointed me in my hour of need).

At some point, I am certain I will be that same hot mess (complete with smeared mascara) in a claw foot tub.

Perhaps my only chance at sanity is for Ryan Gosling to swoop in and save me?

So, I read a little bit more of her blog (bc that's what I do when I'm procrastinating) and I found this little gem which perfectly describes December in the retail world. I actually laughed out loud.

Work got busy (post Black Friday fall-out coupled with a major Regional Manager visit) and I was tired, cranky, and working lots of extra hours. With extra work and the holiday season comes lots of sugary treats, which I LOVE, but my energy level HATES. By the time I got home at 6 or 7 at night, I was tired from being on my feet all day, but more importantly, I hadn't fueled (the closest I came to eating a leafy green was a Reese's tree...) or hydrated (apparently, a constant intake of venti caramel macchiatos and Diet Coke actually DE-hydrate you, but I'm still in denial) my body appropriately enough to be able to take on even the most manageable run. (maryannknits)

Life is nuts, but I don't feel like going into it. On a lighter note, Costco sells my favorite gum (Extra Fruit Sensations Sweet Watermelon) in a value pack! Yes, I'm addicted bc of The Biggest Loser. And, I've gotten a trainer at the gym. Bahahaha. Ok, I'm going to be late for work.

Love you all for reading my rambles. xo.

bubble bath.
book.
pinot noir.
candles.
iron & wine.


lovely. xo.

i think a lot. and i like to ask a lot of questions. sometimes they're appropriate. sometimes they're not. that's the beauty of knowing me. hmmm.

via heartbeat city:

things that might keep you from falling asleep if you live in new york:

everything,

specifically:

the book you read until 2am

the blog you read until 2am

it’s 2am and you have to get up at 7am

and you just want to keep reading.

the people you don’t live with

the people you don’t sleep with

the people you swear you could fall asleep to

if only they were here.

your plans for tomorrow

your plans for today

the places where all the goddamn hours go to

the hope of somewhere good.

these are things that will keep you up at night anywhere. they keep me awake all the time. and all of the questions i haven't asked yet.

tell me, what can i say? tell me, what can i do? can i make you stay? can i hit undo? tell me, is there a way? because i don't have a clue. can i make you stay? can i hit undooo? (guy sebastian, undo)

turn it up until you can't rock anymore

eff. how did i not hear this song until now? i can't lie. i love miley cyrus.

what if my hair was this color? or had highlights this color? thoughts?

I don't really watch tv on a regular basis. I like The Biggest Loser (this season) and I like to be home for Grey's and Private Practice. I don't make my schedule around them though. The only show I ever really did that for was Gilmore Girls - I missed one episode in 7 seasons and didn't see it until it was on dvd.

My point is that I don't really care, most of the time, about television. I don't follow what happens to shows. I don't really watch the news because it's sad. And I am usually facebooking or blogging by the time The Tonight Show comes on. I don't know what happened with Conan and NBC. I don't know if I'll ever know.

What I do know, however, is that I respect him and his separation from the network. And I respect his farewell and think it's something we should all remember.

"All I ask of you, especially young people... is one thing. Please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you, amazing things will happen."- Conan O'Brien

you make me feel weak. it drives me insane.

just to make it harder, they cancelled today.
go back to tomorrow and come back yesterday.

... tell me four more times how you want me around.

confession: groups of people scare the shit out of me. i hate meeting new people. it makes me super nervous. i'm not kidding. i don't know how i excel at my job(s).

i worked today. and went to metto. and read some crazy love. and journaled. and cleaned... at least got my laundry put away. and ate tofurky kielbasa. watched funny television. and now i'm going to bed.

btw. spellchecker wants to turn "tofurky" into the word "turkey". clearly it is not vegetarian friendly.

listen to spaceman - dmb. and pearl jam - wishlist. xo.

i didn't have a very good day today.

but i found a friend to vent at. and i ran it out.

and i remembered that tomorrow is a new day.

thank goodness.

it's so weird - hindsight - looking into the past. i feel like it actually helps me live in my present. to forgive and forget and learn and move on.

i've learned a lot over the past two days.

mostly, that people are just people and you love them in spite of themselves. no one is perfect and we all make mistakes or have bad habits, but you don't give up on them. and you don't kick them while they're down. you just love them.

and sometimes it's hard and you don't want to. and sometimes it's easy and you don't want to. and sometimes it's neither. it's simply as natural as breathing. i'm not sure which scenario is most beautiful.

life is surprising.



ps. did anyone watch grey's or private practice? these shows keep toying with my heart strings. plus, they make me want to eat truffles & drink wine.

lifehouse - all in all

Sometimes I think John Mayer is a tool... then he picks up a guitar & sings.

Dear John,

I know I've always been very on again/off again with my love for you and I apologize for stringing you along. However, after reading this article in Rolling Stone, I would like to make it very clear to you that I would prefer you only open your mouth to sing. The rest of your words are mostly disappointing. Thank you for understanding and I look forward to seeing you perform in February.

xoxo, Erin

LORELAI: Someday you'll meet someone, and you'll just know it’s right. You won't want to hesitate. You'll just know.

RORY: I hope so.

LORELAI: I really do believe it.

RORY: So I guess no avocado trees.

LORELAI: Well, no avocado tree.

RORY: You know, I think I'll get my own avocado tree.

LORELAI: See? You could get your own cherry tree, get your own peanut tree, just have peanut butter all day long.

RORY: Peanuts don't grown on trees. They grow under the ground.

LORELAI: Whatever. My point is you can have anything you want.

RORY: Oh, yes. It’s wide open.

LORELAI: What do you mean, peanuts don't grow on trees?

RORY: Mom, trust me. I'm a college graduate.

and it stings when it nobody's fault

i have four boxes of crap from the attic - and by crap, i mean half photos & memories and half crap. most of it is from junior & senior year of high school. a little bit is from my freshman year of college.

i also rediscovered my old blog - the live journal - which i started at the end of my freshman year of college. and my old webshots from freshman & sophomore year. hahaha.

between all this stuff, all i can say is wow. it's amazing who i was then and who i am now. it's amazing who everyone else was then and who they are now. a lot of these people are still a part of my life in some capacity. it's weird to see their roles then versus now.

change is weird. and sometimes it comes full circle which is strange, too. i think change is my word of the year. i've never had a word of the year before, but there is a first time for everything. wouldn't you agree?

"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor or those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person." - William Somerset Maugham

so i'll check the weather wherever you are 'cause i wanna know if you can see the stars tonight.

this is how i feel when i wake up. every.single.morning. blast.

then i went outside & it was BEAUTIFUL! happy to be up and at it again.

i would like the weather to be like this always. yes, please. PS. that is an iced soy green tea latte from the world's most underwhelming starbucks, but i keep going back. masochist.

pros: the man sitting outside next to me was playing john mayer and dmb from his phone. also, he and his friend were smoking... that and the smell of coffee makes me happy. don't ask why, just accept it. i have. also, the guy who works there is adorable and plays arcade fire out of his car while on his break.

cons: they're not very friendly. and my drinks aren't always good. and the airplanes from the base are loud (even though they're cool to look at).

the perils of online dating

me: eff that noise

what if he was extra strength crazy?

Rachel: word

me: i'd rather be alone forever, then date a serial killer.

Rachel: hahahha. aaaaagreeed.

me: actually, i'd rather be alone forever than date a serial killer.

the then changes the entire context and then i'm screwed.

Rachel: hahahahaa. i didn't even notice

me: that's bc my serial killer boyfriend got us in our sleep.

i'm wide awake and so alive

Just push me 'til I have to fly. I've shed my skins, my scars.

the weather today was lovely.
i'm ready for sunny days & warm weather.

i got to partake of restaurant week at SNOB.
besides the company, dessert was the best part.
chocolate deliciousness with fresh berries.
(i LOVE berries. another reason to be ready for summer.)
more culinary adventures on tuesday.

i'm supposed to be self assessing myself for work.
i've got highlighters and everything.

i want to move to the west coast & live on the beach.
and drink wine with my friends.

or maybe just move to nola and drink beer on the levee.

i went back to the gym this week.
ouch.

lots of new stuff going on. lots of changes happening.

i have to remember to focus. keep my eye on the prize.

i'm listening to matt nathanson and my room smells like black currant vanilla and i love ferrero rocher truffles and vitaminwater10. ok. that's all.

I want to feel the car crash 'cause I'm dying on the inside. I want to let go and know that I'll be alright, alright.

xo.

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Change, as we all know, is uncomfortable. It's up to you to respond... to adjust how you live daily or to stay the same. - Francis Chan

note: this is one of my most shallow posts ever,

but i've been watching a lot of the oc. and i must confess...

adam brody is thirty. and nerdy. and adorable. and i love him. i do.

"Then I moved to Hollywood and realized that reading and drinking coffee are where its at... So I became more nerdy and embraced my neurotic side." - Adam Brody

i hope, one day, i meet a man just like him. happily ever after.

... hey now, this is my desire. consume me like a fire
'cause i just want something beautiful to touch me...

i'll fold every failure into a crane

Hoping & Wishing : January 3, 2010
via Crosstowne Online Audio Archive

I've had a lot of discussion about change recently... in all aspects of my life. Work. Relationships. Spiritual. Physical. It's overwhelming to think about. Probably even more overwhelming to work on all of it. Change is hard, but I know I have to prepare myself for it - whatever it may be.

"Start doing the things that look like what you want to change into... A wish is an unfulfilled want. A Hope, hope is the fruit of desire and the action for change. A hope." - Paul Rienzo

"But the great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not. It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him." C S Lewis (Mere Christianity)

via adventures of mascarah :

(matt white - wait for love)

This is one of my breakup songs. The ones I listen to on repeat when I just feel, well…lost. I even have a playlist :) I blogged this song almost a year ago (February 10, to be exact), when I was feeling the same way I feel now. I try not to talk about what I’m going through personally on here, I just feel like that’s a line that I don’t want to cross. But I can tell you (we’re friends, right?) that within the past year I’ve had my heart hurt. Twice.

I have so many friends in the same boat, recently with their hearts shattered by disappointment and hurt and betrayal. Why does this happen? Why do the ones we choose to love let us down? Why isn’t it easier? Why does it hurt so badly? Why can’t they just give us the love and respect we give them?

I never thought I’d grow up to be almost 29 and have such a skeptical view on love. I want so much to believe that it (all the bad) happens because we haven’t found the right person. And that going through those things helps us really learn what love is. And when we finally meet that special one, it will be so amazing. And all the other relationships we thought were so devastating will pale in comparison.

life's a dance you learn as you go

like my new shirt? alison brought it back from canada. it says "i like you a latte". hahaha. love it.

it's impossible to ignore you

Because sometimes you have something you need to say but you can't because the words won't come out or you get scared or you feel stupid, so if you could write a song and sing it then you could say what you need to say and it would be beautiful and people would listen and you wouldn't make a complete idiot out of yourself, but all of us can't be songwriters so some of us will never be able to say what we're thinking or what we want other people to know that we're thinking so we'll never get the chance to make things right again ever. - Rory (Love, Daisies, & Troubadours)

must you make me laugh so much? it's bad enough we get along so well. say goodnight and go.

just trying to change the color on your mood ring

2010. No resolutions, but I've got some goals. I don't miss 2009. I'm also not glad it's gone. However, I do enjoy the blank slate that a new year provides.

• I want to finish the Harry Potter books. I'm on five now, so that shouldn't be hard (especially now that the holidays are over). I would like to read Crazy Love & A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. There are some others, but I won't list them all.

• I would like to learn to wake up when my alarm goes off. That's a skill I've yet to acquire in life.
  

• I think it would be cool to run 5 miles without wanting to die. I don't know if that's a goal I want to take on or not though. But I think I used to be "healthier" and I would like to be again. Is that actually a resolution? Hmph. Run Walk, maybe?
  

• I want to see John Mayer in concert. And I will. February 8. Yesss.

• I would like to start my retirement & savings plan with Limited Brands, as well as add $1000 to my savings account while continuing to put money in my IRA.

• I plan on traveling to the West Coast. I want to start in Nevada City, CA and work my way down to San Diego. Epic.

• Go to Nola. For no reason other than I want to and I can.
  

• I have a lot of friends getting married this year. I would like to be at all of those weddings. I hope they have cupcakes & dancing & general merriment.

• Spiritual Life. Get one again.
  

And, last, but certainly not least...

• I want to become a Co-Manager at Bath & Body Works. That's going to be a lot of work, but I know I can do it and I have a lot of people standing behind me.

I hope along the way I'm happy & I make good friends & encourage people & change a few lives. Sometimes those are things that cannot be known & measured, but I hope other people can see it & feel it.

Happy 2010. May it surprise you...

happy new year to you... "May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." - Neil Gaiman

thank you for clearing that up, Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

seriously. do this.

and if the line is busy, then try try again.

Call the Nestle Crunch Hotline at 1-800-295-0051, When you are asked if you want to continue in English or Spanish, just wait quietly for about 10 seconds and you will smile. Promise! Keep going and press 4. Listen to the options...then press 7. If you comment on this after listening, don't give away the surprise!

everyone is right and no one is sorry

that's the start and the end of the story.

i had a horrific dream last night that i can't get out of my head... about an airman (maybe, a soldier, but i would guess an airman bc he was on a flying mission) who died in my arms. he was talking to me & telling me about his life and then he was gone. and it was so real. the whole dream was strange - the way it happened and what happened afterwards... i was flying around the country to try and find his family... but not in a plane... with a balloon. weird, i know. but a very intense dream for me for some reason. i wish i could stop thinking about it. he was so beautiful & sweet & brave. then gone. it hurt. wish. wish. wish. i dislike all this deploying.

Try as they might, no one's immune to misfiring and acting on the wrong clues and thinkin' it's time to redo and redo.

this would be a wonderful way to camp.

another true story about women...

noooooo

been there. felt that. still sorta do. hmph.

i’m a drug you don’t wanna give up

“My mother said recently that (the album) Happenstance is the beauty of your ’20s, this one (Elephants) is the richness of your ’30s – of someone who’s been through the mill and is trying to make the choice between optimism and defeatism,” she [Rachael] says.

i love rachael yamagata. i have for quite a while. this song is so intense. it's empowering & sad at the same time. i can't decide if it makes me feel strong or depressed. either way, i like that it moves me.



Smoke your cigarette, make your love. You pour blood in my heart, I can’t get enough. I’m drowning and you can’t decide.

It’s not about geography or happenstance, your need to fly and take a chance, your need to shine to emptiness and float on high and forever dance alone.

and today was a day like any other...

Father up above,
why in all this anger
do you fill me up with
love love love?

i thought you said i'd be ok

i read these and laughed.

not bc i think she's being silly,
but bc this is exactly how girls are...

oh shit.

wait.

i thought you said it was easy listening to your heart?

correct me if i'm wrong

an owl army. for an owl giveaway.

i'm really into owls right now. they're cute.

and they make me think of harry potter.

which i'm reading at the moment. book fiiiiive.

truth: i downloaded two hannah montana songs today.

truth: i like them.

(don't wanna be torn & i wanna know you)

someone brought me a three pound bag of gummi bears at work today. awesome? yes. then someone broke a candle and i had to go clean it up. glam.

You're fragile and you're strong. A beautiful and perfect combination.

i need this:

datebook cozy

for my new day planner.

thank you in advance.

you've taken good care of me

When it feels like I'm losing power, when I feel like a wilted flower...

... says something to make me laugh, makes me forget I was mad.

and it's been a long December

I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself to hold on to these moments as they pass.

we crash when we race

today was frustrating.

No, I never wanna fall apart.
Never wanna break your heart.
Never wanna let you break my own.

cause you're not my problem

No, I don't need drama, so I'm walking away. Yeah, I am a girl with a lot on her plate.

sometimes i feel like i am falling

i am going to be so tired come 2010. eeek. i didn't realize it until now, but my schedule is not fun. nope. and that i will be working a lot. a lot. and that i will probably only sleep during the hours i'm not at work. oh boy.

all my friends have great travel & family fun times planned for next week. i'm jealous. and i'm going to miss my cousin's wedding bc of work. i LOVE my job. i really do, but i wish i had a week off to hang out and do holiday things. oh well. i'll drink an eggnog latte at work. haha.



oh, life it seems the struggle between what we see and what we do. i'm not going to change my ways just please you or appease you.

this is fact not fiction

and when i see you, i really see you upside down, but my brain knows better, it picks you up & turns you around.

“i would like you to know that if we ever break up (which will probably happen, since that’s how these sort of things usually work) there will always be that part of you i love. i know that sounds cliché and dumb. though i won’t always be in love with you, i will always love that part of you that made me feel completly comfortable in my own skin. that part of you that could make me forget about any of the shitty things in my life. and how you made me realize that i am capable of loving someone and someone is capable of loving me.” via leslieemkirchhoff

i should have given you a reason to stay.

i LOVE nada surf (lucky) and the killers (hot fuss). oh yes.

i know that it's not easy

I'd really be perfectly fine with any version of Romeo and Juliet that doesn't have so despairingly lugubrious an end. Get that boy some ipecac and let's have ourselves a happily-ever-after. - Hanneke Van Dyke

i know that it's not easy, but you love me. you won't leave me. every little star it starts somewhere.

SETH: So, what’s it gonna be, huh? You want your menorah or a candy cane? Christmas or Hanukkah?
RYAN: Uh…
SETH: Don’t worry about it, buddy, because in this house, you don’t have to choose. Allow me to introduce you to a little something I like to call… Chrismukkah.

i believe our love can save me

Sometimes all I want is another drink or another pill. If I could get anything done maybe I'd hold still...

I'm home. I made gingersnap cookies. (They are delicious.) All the candles in my room are lit. (It smells good in here.) And I'm drinking the never ending bottle of Wandering Grape. (It's a Malbec-Merlot blend.) And I'm listening to Bon Iver & Nada Surf & John Mayer. (They don't mmix, but I'm listening to them in succession.)

Today was nuts, but fantastic at work. Friday and Saturday will be nuts. And Sunday, too. But I get to see Tent Revival in the middle & hang with friends. Life is crazy. But good.

I'm trying to levitate. I'm trying to leave the ground. Trying to remember when I could fix anything with sound.

i must lay down a foundation of stone

I must lay down a foundation of stone before I build a floor.

[begin ramble]

I think it's silly how much we let the opposite sex hurt us. And this goes both ways.

I don't mind being single. Sometimes I freak out or have a bad day and wish I had someone to go home to or call and be with, but that's what I have friends for, right? There's an episode of Gilmore Girls like this....

LORELAI: You know, there are very few times in my life when I find myself sitting around thinking, "I wish I was married," but today, I mean -- I'm happy. You know? I like my life. I like my friends. I like my stuff. My time, my space, my TV.

LUKE: Yeah, sure.

LORELAI: But every now and then, just for a moment, I wish I had a partner, someone to pick up the slack. Someone to wait for the cable guy, make me coffee in the morning, meet the stupid sink before it gets sent back to Canada.

Sometimes I think that I could be single forever - not that I want to be, but that I could. It's not so bad. I like to think that I could take care of myself. But then I meet someone who I think is lovely and funny and likes the same music as I do and I wonder. Sometimes that hurts. Sometimes it just fades away. Perhaps, one day, it will work out. I don't know. But for now, it doesn't seem so bad. I am not unhappy. Definitely not. I'm not even lonely.

I don't know what I'm yammering on about. I want to get married someday, but I guess for right now, I'm ok. Maybe it's just easier to be ok when the only people you find that you could be interested don't even live near you.

Hmph.

[end ramble]

You must pull up the weeds before they take hold and throw them on the fire.

Don't believe those hungry liars.

beautiful beat get me out of this mess

i've run out of money.

in my pajamas. check.
eating sweet potato fries. check.
drinking beer. check.
watching the oc. check.

now i can wrap what i bought.

i still need a few more...

christmas is expensive.

but so much fun!

beautiful beat lift me up from distress

"Not all those who wander are lost." - J.R.R Tolkien

porch swing in my bedroom? yes, please.

i'm a modern girl, but i fold in half so easily

i don't regret much.

Take chances. Tell the truth. Date someone totally wrong for you. Say no. Spend all your cash. Get to know someone random. Be random. Say I love you. Sing out loud. Laugh at stupid jokes. Cry. Apologize. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Tell a jerk what you think. Laugh till your stomach hurts. Live life. Regret nothing.

sometimes i think i regret trusting people & giving them the benefit of the doubt. but i don't. it's how i get those silly little life lessons that i hold onto ever so briefly, then forget about or let go of in just enough time for someone to surprise me again with their stupidity or lack of morals.

it's a nice vicious little cycle i've started for myself.

i don't know that i'll ever really "learn from my mistakes" or stop giving second chances (third chances are definitely out of the question though... )

who knows? not me. i'm never sure of anything.

Because I'm not scared, but I'd like some extra spare time.

no one really ever wins

yesterday was good.

first of all, i slept until 9:30. crazy.
(on my flannel sheep sheets)
i started my christmas shopping online.
i cleaned my room (ish) with gilmore girls in the background.
i hung out with brian -
we had sushi for lunch and starbucks before his flight.
evidently we fall in and out of sarcasm naturally.
i cleaned the bathroom and vacuumed and did dishes.
i got my laundry started.
found out that my manager won a regional award
(Reflection Award - for being amazing)
i went to dinner at nirlep with charles & myron -
bc nothing says i've missed you like indian food.
i heard about their cruise and tried Lion Stout.
i also pondered what to feed a vegan, no soy with gluten allergies.
hmph.
i heard susan boyle sing i dreamed a dream...
it gave me chills.
i watched part of the grammy nominations
& ate some muddy buddys.
& watched gilmore girls
(i really liked when adam brody was on the show)
(and when rory dated bad boy jess)
while i waited to hear from the west coast.
then i went to bed around 11:30 or 12 and woke up at 8.
to have caffeinated granola & greek yogurt.
and i here i am. not too shabby, huh?

and here i give no credence to grammar.

... in heartbreak warfare.

each day you draw a new line

i'm listening to slow runner's mermaids album.

watch the snow fall.
make some phone calls.
spend your whole life

trying to put your heart back together.

everything is exactly what it seems

I don't have to work until 1 today. That's nice. And I slept 9 hours last night. All I have done for the past three days has been work and sleep.... And complain about how much my feet hurt. And eat pie.

This morning I rolled out of bed and ate Greek Yogurt with caffeinated granola. I lit my sensual amber candle and checked my email. It's been quite lovely even though I'm surrounded by piles of laundry and deposits that need to be entered into the computer.

I think I'll make a cup of tea instead of dealing with that.

I'm glad this weekend is over. Really glad. I know that the rest of the holidays aren't going to be easy peasy, but I'm proud of our store (Bath & Body Works) and Christmas should be a cake walk compared to what we just did.

As far as Wholly Cow goes, I'm not really in charge anymore. I've passed the torch... onto VJ and back to my Mom. I work there about one day a week and do the paperwork. We'll see how this goes.

Happy Monday after Black Friday. The storm has passed.

everyone is exactly who they are

i could make a habit out of you...

repost from: leslieeekirchhoff In Indian (Vedic) astrology, your zodiac sign determines your karmic path and the challenges you will face during your incarnation in this life. Here is a simple break down of how your zodiac sign can reveal your karma based on past life experiences. (Via)

ARIES
Your challenge may be to put someone else first for a change as you are a fire sign who is very ambitious. Your challenges often have to do with your reputation. Problems with money can arise because of your impulsiveness.

TAURUS
You are a stubborn individual and it may be your challenge to admit for once that you are wrong. Loneliness is often a problem for this sign.

GEMINI
You tend to escape reality and, as talented as you are, you may be presented with situations in this life that force you to be more grounded. Health problems could present themselves. Love triangles are common and fidelity could be another challenge for you.

CANCER
You are very inward looking and shy. Your challenge may be to overcome depression or a “woe is me” attitude. Mental health and relationship problems are common.

LEO
You are a very arrogant and ambitious individual and you may be presented with challenges in this life that force you to be a little less selfish and shallow. Financial problems are common with Lion type karma.

VIRGO
You are a very controlling individual who finds it difficult to let go. You may be presented with situations in this life that compel you to be less rigid. You may often be dealing with situations where you are not credited for your work or you feel unloved.

LIBRA
You are indecisive and you may be forced to make some tough decisions that are out of the ordinary to remedy your karma from other lives. You will learn not to blame others for your problem. The issue is to determine whether you are a martyr or a victim.

SCORPIO
You can be obsessive and too concerned with sex. Your challenge may be to rise beyond the compulsive nature of your desires. You may also be tempted to dabble in the occult.

SAGITTARIUS
You can be wayward and concerned only about your own agenda. Issues of commitment could be challenging in this life if you are born under this zodiac sign.

CAPRICORN
You love money and acquiring possessions. One of your challenges may be realizing that money is not everything in this life. You might also be presented with issues that show you that “everything” does not have to be perfect for you to be loved.

AQUARIUS
You love to be free and to while away the hours in your own mind. Unfortunately, this leads to procrastination. You may face challenges that are the consequences of not being mindful or paying attention to what is important in life.

PISCES
The Pisces zodiac sign is always looking for the other in their life time. The challenge might be how to learn how to be alone or you might face issues of coherency and addiction.

ah crap. good thing i paid off that vickie's card.

swaying to my own sound

today i am thankful for to-do lists & sleeping until 9:30am.

and my music of choice is the new one republic album.

all i know is everybody loves me.

hahahahaha.

if you want more love, why don't you say so?

Monday Monday Monday

5 Things found in my bag: slimfast bar, harry potter 5, organizer, volcano choir cd, rose salve

5 Things in my room: lots of books, a cup of hot green tea, scattered cds, clean clothes in a basket, jean paul gaultier evian bottle

5 Things I’ve always wanted to do: skydive, drive a ferarri, travel down the california coast, MOVE, be financially independent & stable

5 Things I’m currently into: harry potter, fall-ish music, the retail season, candles, everwood on dvd

oh, and I, I say damn your mood swings, damn your mood swings. (Tegan & Sara)

my next adventure

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they say california is a recipe for a black hole. and i say i've got my best shoes on, i'm ready to go.

i can feel the falling leaves...

my friend rachel asked me to make her a fall mixed cd in september. i just finished it today... out of necessity bc we're about to head to the mountains for the weekend. so, without further ado, here are the songs that made the cut: (note: if i knew how to post the audio files, i would, but i'm not that good. my apologies.)

for rachel, forever ago. a fall 2009 mix.

Odds - Mute Math
Blood Bank - Bon Iver
Hungry Liars - Portland Cello Project
Sticks And Stones - Dave Barnes
My Love Goes Free - Jon Foreman
The Weight Of Lies - The Avett Brothers
Cry On Demand - Ryan Adams
For You - Kalen Nash
Ain't No Reason - Brett Dennen
Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron & Wine
Wait Out The Days - Rocky Votolato
Fall Apart Today - Schuyler Fisk
Twenty Years - Augustana
I Still Care For You - Ray LaMontagne
Day Too Soon - Sia
Nightingale - Norah Jones
Lost Year - Mute Math
If Only - Fink
Skinny Love - Bon Iver
Half Life - Imogen Heap

you need to spell it out

i'm just waiting.

it ain't perfect, but it's worth it.
(the art of love - guy sebastian ft. jordin sparks)

the weight of lies will bring you down

"When you don’t forgive someone, you let them park in your life forever. These people are like parasites that can suck the life right out of you and allow bitterness to rot you out. If you let these people and their actions haunt your thoughts, emotions, and spirit, you allow them to continually damage not only you but those around you, too." Pete Wilson

i hopped off the plane at LAX

... with a dream & my cardigan.

today i worked for 12 hours.
i tied floral wire & ribbons to 100+ products.
i named a christmas tree wilbur.
i was covered in glitter & looked like a disco ball.
i had a flat tire.
i now have a patched tire.
an old man gave me the finger for driving slow.
i got jacked up on dark reese's and cherry coke.
i drank starbucks via.
and listened to miley cyrus.
we made day and conversion.
christmas happened at bath & body works.

(the dj plays my song & i feel alright.)

things to be excited about:

rebecca's halloween candy
gaining an hour of sleep
a box of VIA and this link
the hannah montana movie
the end of Q3 at work (BBW)
the bonus to follow end of Q3
everwood on dvd
the thought of getting my laundry put away.

i crawled out from the pain of yesterday

yesterday i got bad news.

i was counting on something that didn't happen.
when you get your hopes up high, they have a long way to fall.

it's ok. i'll get over it... get through it.
thank you to everyone who has been concerned. it means a lot.

i'm listening to our lady peace. its surprisingly calming.

i just want to get out. stuck inside of this. waiting for something else. waiting to exit.

fuck.

“I don’t want anyone writing in to point out that I spend too much money on books, many of which I will never read. I know that already. I certainly intend to read all of them, more or less. My intentions are good. Anyway, it’s my money. And I’ll bet you do it too.” – Nick Hornby

I think I'll make cinnamon sugar pumpkin seeds today.

... I've been reading Rachael Ray magazines.

how could she be so heartless...

confession: i never liked the notebook. i think that makes me a bad "girl" bc every other female who saw it loved it & could watch it over and over. not me. i cry like a baby when i watch a walk to remember, but the notebook got nothing from me. and i watched this little clip and i realized why...


“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day." - Noah

bc it's hard. bc the movie isn't easy. bc it's not a simple fall in love movie. yeah, i know she dies at the end of a walk to remember, but that's nature. no one can help that. in the notebook, people have choices to make. they have to decide what they want. and that sucks. and for awhile, you're left hanging... wondering... will this love happen? will they live happily ever after? you don't know. they don't seem to know. it's tragic. and i don't like it bc that's what life is really like... decisions. waiting. tragedy. and sometimes there is a happy ending. and sometimes things still get screwed up.

and i don't like to be reminded of things like that when i watch movies like the notebook. i like living in a fairytale bubble for two hours. hmph.

i didn't like the notebook. i didn't even cry when i watched it. heartless, i know.

walls we couldn't move came crashing down

i learned today about letting things go and forgiving.

and it's hard. and it hurts. and it forces you to face things.

and sometimes it causes you to break your own heart.

but that's the way it goes. that's what we're called to do.

phil wickham - true love (singalong)

i called.

You answered.

and You came my rescue.

i don't read my horoscope. ever. even though it comes up on my igoogle everday. but today i did. this is it:

You are ready to put on a real show today. Whether it's about expressing your feelings of love, pitching a business plan or doing some decorating around the house, you are tempted to go overboard with too much drama. Keep in mind that a bit of self-restraint might be exactly what is needed to maximize the progress you can make now.

i plan on doing all three of those today. with no drama. no no drama.

my life is average

i love mylifeisaverage.com

Today, my 6 year-old daughter was asking me questions about Santa Claus at dinner. My 13 year-old daughter was getting annoyed with all the dumb questions and simply told her younger sister that Santa didn't exist. Instead of being aghast and upset, my younger daughter just said, "Yea but neither does Edward Cullen!" My older daughter left the dinner table and I think its easy to say who won tonight. MLIA

fuckyeahtwilight

you're beautiful. every little piece, love.
don't you know you're really gonna be someone?
ask anyone. and when you find everything you looked for
i hope your life leads you back to my door.
oh, but if it don't, stay beautiful.

yes. please & thank you.

I'm Alive - Kenny Chesney ft. Dave Matthews.

So damn easy to say that life’s so hard.
Everybody’s got their share of battle scars.

sometimes i like country. and i always like dave.

fall is like this

i've learned the truth is, everyone you meet will hurt you at one point or another. you just need to decide who is worth the pain.

i saw a blog post today that said "people do not care about you as much you think they do" and it made me sad. and i don't think it's true. i care. i probably care more than you think i do. and sometimes it's weird bc i become so involved in people's lives - i want them to be so happy they explode even if they've upset me in the past. i might be angry or hurt, but i always care one way or another.

Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always “me first,” doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end.

Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit.

But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love. 1 Corinthians 13 (The Message)

I have a love/hate (completely unfounded) relationship with John Mayer.

I just can't ever decide.

"The lyrics are the heartbreak, the melody is the hope." - John Mayer

Make sure you read the article that quote was hijacked from.

i'm a satellite heart

Wisconsin/Chicago was wonderful.

It was beautiful and cold and full of cheese and I ran three miles in the freeze. And I saw HANSON. Also, I have fantastic friends. Really. I'm glad we manage to keep in touch. PS. I need to go back to Chicago and spend some more time there. I think I will love it even more if I spend at least 24 hours in the city.

Work is nuts. As usual. That's ok. I do love it. Most of the time. Though I do look forward to the day when I only have one job.

I can't wait for Fall trip to Georgia. I hate Georgia, but I love my friends. And fall. I can't wait to combine the two again.

I'm on Harry Potter 4 of 7. Seven, right? This one is taking longer bc I have a lot to do right now. I'm going to Columbia tomorrow to visit Rachel and eat Bee Bim Bop. Two things I love.

Hum. Lots of stuff going on that is unsure. And things I can't talk about. And that I'm just waiting to see what happens with...

Still working on a fall playlist. It's doubled in size. Woops.

I've got the new Donald Miller book. Need to find time to read it.

My ipod geeked out on me today and I had to restore and start over. Shit. This is taking forever. If it had died, I would have gone out and bought a new one in the morning. No lie.

I ramble when I'm procrastinating. How about that?

"... these things should be organic... free range love." - Tupac Tony

"I feel hopeful and grateful. For a while I thought we had lost everything. It makes you want to love better and live better and treat people better." And she [Michelle Williams] adds, "There is a great Gloria Steinem quote—and I'm paraphrasing—'Become the man you want to marry.' I've taken that on. What qualities do I find attractive, and can I find them in myself? What am I missing? Can I be that for myself?" - excerpt from Vogue