staring at a million city lights.

Cigars in the summertime under the sky by the light, I can feel you read my mind. I can see it in your eyes, under the moon as it plays like music every line.

I have had a very good weekend. It's weird though because if you had heard some of the stuff I was struggling with or had seen me today, then you would never think that.

Truth or Consequences: Facing your Fears. Filtering Lies. Finding Yourself in Jesus. Loving the Lord and loving yourself. Wowza. I didn't want to go to the Conference, but I knew that it was God opening a little door for me to become the woman I'm trying so desperately to become. The woman God wants me to be. I guess sometimes it's good to do things you don't want to do.

I think this Saturday night was the best Saturday night I've had in a long time. It didn't involve me working or being tired or having to study. It involved Monterrey's, Kinko's and lots of walking with Jones. Walking to the Horseshoe and attacking Liza, to the Inn at USC where demanding cheddar cheese in our minds, and from there - well, everywhere. And it ended with french toast sticks at 1am. You can't tell me that's not a good night.

Today, I woke up gross. I seriously walked around all day looking high and feeling bad about myself. Luckily, I have friends that love me and remind me that it's actually my left eyebrow that's my best feature, so I didn't need to worry about my bloodshot eyes. I can't wait to go to the doctor.

I had really excellent french toast that would have been even better could I have tasted. I went grocery shopping to get food for Plan B and then David bought me some very beautiful orange gerber daisies. He's the only person outside of my family to buy me flowers. I'm looking at them right now - next to a can of Tab Energy and the copy of Corrine's thesis and in front of some recently acquired art. That's really all there is since I packed up most of my stuff on Friday.

Ooo. I went to the library today with Jones. He gave me a tour and we read his favorite children's book. Then I picked out a book - actually he did - and I checked it out with my new temporary card. The permanent one will come in the mail in about a week.

Oh Plan B was tonight. I can't remember the last Plan B we had, but this was a good one. Chicken Bog. Yummy veggies. Biscuits. Homemade rootbeer and gingerale. And Eric's infamous dutch oven peach and pear cobblers. Mmmm.

Now I'm sitting here with Marty (who may be sick) , listening to Classic Yo-Yo, getting ready to read a book and go to bed. I have an interview tomorrow morning at the McCutchen House - I hope I don't look like this again. Then, I'm going to the doctor. And I start yoga tomorrow too. Yay.

Is there a midnight breakfast tomorrow? I heard some mention.

Got my bean in a coffee cup next to my seat, catch the view and another good book to read.

oh, its what you do to me...

Me: Hello?
Mom: Erin. Wake up. Your future beholds you.
Me: What?
Mom: I want to buy you a business. What do you think?

but i was afraid i might get in the way

I almost got into a fight with a customer tonight. After many annoyances, he proceeded to say, "you know if i made you mad tonight, you have to forgive me." Then I took his cup of Dr. Pepper from him and threw it in his face. Not really. But I thought about it.

Jesus loves me. And you. And that guy. I'm so glad I know that. And try to understand that.

*sigh* I've spent a lot of my life trying to live up to expectations that didn't exist. I've also spent a lot of my life blaming myself for thing that weren't my fault. In the past year, I've had some really amazing people by my side helping me realize I don't have to spend the rest of my life like that. I was thinking about that last night during our Shack time of encouragement and I wanted to say thank you - I hope you know who you are.

And as I kept thinking about the past year, I really thought about how much I've changed. I was talking on the phone with someone who told me they had noticed that I'm much more comfortable with myself and my decisions - That made me feel good about the struggles and self doubt I have put myself through over the past twelve-ish months. As I sat there talking to this person, I realized something that I seemed to have overlooked and is probably most important to know - It's not me. It obviously wasn't me. It was the situation. I didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't not good enough. It's just sucky timing that seems to rule my life. If it had been me, then I wouldn't have had this conversation and I never would have realized this. And this doesn't just apply to one situation - this is something to help me overcome many things that I've held onto for so long.

I just spent all this time blaming myself when really there was no one to blame... Talk about a lifted burden! For some reason, figuring that out makes me much more relaxed about whatever is to come.

People hurt themselves and others a lot. That’s sad.

Anyway. In some less self-realization news... Tomorrow is Ben and Jerry's Free Scoop Day! Holla. You can have as much as you want if you just stand in line repeatedly. And I really just want to tell everyone to listen to DMB. I'm currently obsesssed with The Lillywhite Sessions and Weekend on the Rocks.

I sold back two books today. I think I just found out that I can exempt another Final. I'm so ready for summer.

I was offered an interview today. I turned it down. Slap me silly and call me crazy. I think I'm getting sick again. Maybe it's just allergies. Maybe I'm actually dying this time. Who knows. Airborne makes me gag though. So maybe I'll just stay this way forever. Maybe. Fooorreeeveeer.

Ok. Alison is home now, so I'm going to spend time with her. She's speaking with an accent.

somehow my heart got lost on the way to my head

Don't ask yourself what the world needs; Ask yourself what makes you come alive! And then go do that because the world needs people who have come alive. - Harold Whitman

and go past the moon...

I smell like bar. I'm $13 poorer. And I have giant black X's on my hands that I can't get off. But it's okay...

They said it couldn't be done. They said it would never amount to anything. I don't know who they are, but I do know that they know nothing.

The first time I met Brian Whitman he handed me a mini disc with three songs on it and said "make sure you don't put it into your car stereo, it'll get stuck. Some people are having that problem." And all I could think was how dumb you had to be to do that and what kind of band hands out mini discs? I didn't care as long as they entered the Battle of the Bands so I had done something for CP.

I ended up wearing that disc out. And I wanted more. I had stumbled upon a diamond in the rough (called Isle 9 at the time) and was quite pleased. And was even more ecstatic when they won the BOB at the RH.

I Nine has come a long way since then. Two years later, I see my friends on stage doing what they love - the thing that they've dreamed. And they're amazing at it. Their music has evolved from cello pop to an electrified rock set that refuses to be ignored. The band members themselves have changed along with the music. These once starving young dreamers from Orangeburg are now J Records signed recording artists working hard for the sushi on their plates. I kid. But, seriously, these people continue to amaze me with their personalities and talent. I can't wait to see what's going to happen in the upcoming years. Until then - support I Nine. Buy their Live EP. Buy their full length this summer. Go check out their tour. See them at Bonnaroo. You'll thank me later.

What can I do? Pictures of you still make me smile.

just so you know. i love you in my life.

This morning I was awoken by what I think was a Marine platoon. They were loud and startling, but I didn't mind. I sat on my balcony and watched them run and yell. It made me think of Joe. It made me think of Jones leaving. Two very contrasting thoughts.

I have this overwhelming urge to be near the water. Beach. River. Lake. I don't think it matters.

Today was amazing. By the end of the day, I was just so happy. And I was sitting in Jammin Java listening to Eric Skelton play and thinking how awesome my life is. I was surrounded by some of the most important people in my life at my place of employment that I really enjoy. And I thought about all the good times I spent there last summer and they seemed to really wipe away the bad ones. I'm looking forward to the summer and being there.

I had my last cooking class today - my last class period of the semester!! It was kind of sad though because it has become my Friday Family. I told Chef I'd come harass him and David next semester. It'll be fun. Then he sent me home with a giant box of fruit salad. That's a good man right there.

Corinne's thesis defense was today. I've never been to a thesis defense. I hadn't even read the thesis (but I'm going to this summer...) It was really neat to hear Corinne talk about the Bahai faith and her year of service at the Bahai World Center. It was a year of her life that meant so much to her and I'm really glad she got the chance to write about it. It was emotional and interesting - as are most of the times when I talk to Corinne. Her stories are always excellent and she speaks with an air of caring knowledge which isn't found in many people. I mean, she spoke for a long time and I never got bored - that's an accomplishment.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever accomplish anything so large and meaningful as something like her year of service. Sometimes I wonder if I live my faith as outwardly or sincerely as I should. Or if I ever will.

Afterwards we went to Moe's and then got ready for the Spring Fling (see? i published it - it's official...) Corinne, Alison and I got ready and I did their makeup which is always fun. Then Jones came over looking spiffy in pink and ready to dance. Well, maybe not ready to dance, but definitely willing to dance. (Which he did quite excellently... is that a word?) It was fun, I really enjoyed myself with everyone. My friends are awesome.

Hope Bell always knows how to make a girl feel special...

Erin Ellis! Your hands are so nice and soft. If I were a boy, I'd want to hold them all the time!
Haha. You're nice, but there are no boys who want to do that.
Oh, now that is a lie from the pits of hell!!

And then we saw Eric Skelton which was a pleasure - as always. And that's where I realized how blessed I am and how happy I am and all those sorts of things. I mean, there are always things I wish I could change, but "serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference," ya know?

Hmmm. My Dad is coming tomorrow and I'll be seeing I Nine. Lots of people to see and fun to be had. I hope everyone's weekend is as fabulous as mine.

Today. Listening to: Eric Skelton, Pete Schmidt, and The Working Title (Everyone Here Is Wrong EP). I recommend them all.

... and you know what you feel is everything to you so settle down and reframe the scenario leaving out the excess radio...

everybody's changing...

... but I don't feel the same.

I'm having a real bond with brit rock today.

People keep getting engaged. It's crazy.
Two tests today. Bah. Humbug.
Boca burgers are delicious.
I'm taking a yoga class this summer.
Oh whatcha gonna do with all that junk?
My mom told me my butt was now proportional.
I don't know if that's blog appropriate.
I have a subleaser! Yay Carole!
I'm busy until the end of the semester.
(Or at least until the end of the week.)
I can't wait for Friday and Saturday.
Spring Fling. Because it rhymes.
And Matt Jones is gonna dance alot.
And Corinne will sisterhood the traveling dress.
I Nine at Headliners. Good music. Good people.
Oh. Little orange cat lives here.
Got rid of the yellow peep bunnies.
Need a day pass for 3 Rivers? I know a person. $20.
58 seats. 62 Koreans.
Bed.
Because when words fail, music speaks...

Hold your breath and count to ten, then fall apart and start again.

worn me down like a road.

Everybody's talking how I can't can't be your love. But I want want wanna be your love. Wanna be your love for real. Everything's falling, and I am included in that. Oh, how I try to be just okay...

Happenstance… the never can be… Main Entry: hap·pen·stance; Etymology: happen + circumstance: A circumstance especially that is due to chance.

I like that word. It's the title of the Rachael Yamagata cd I've been listening to... I love it.

The rest of this blog is brought to you by many thoughtful discussions and the wonder of the future...

Sometimes I wonder if there is enough time in this life to see all the things I want to see, go all the places I want to go, do all the things I want to do, and meet all the people I hope to meet. There are so many things to learn and try. Can I do it all? Will I always want to?

And I wonder if I do all these things - will I do them alone or will someone be there with me to share in these experiences? And if I don't do them or have anyone to share them with, will I still be happy? And in the absolute end, will I even realize it or care?

I want a full and joyous life. I really just wonder what that entails. And how often it will change.

She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs with no fear of the future.

that's what i thought

oh, why don't we ever believe ourselves?

woke up at 6am. it's been a long day. productive. somewhat. lots of things going on. can't wrap my mind around everything.

i had to quarter a chicken in class. chef made me. i cried when i went get my cutting board. (shhh.) i really didn't want to do it.

i was manager with danielle today. it went ok. both chef pernell and chef knapp told us we did a good job. i think pernell always says that, but chef knapp hardly ever. maybe its because i started talking to him in class today. took some guts because i'm kinda scared of him in a reverent kind of way. its like a respect crush - if those even exist. he's going to aiken for easter.

jesus died
for you and me.
we're supposed to remember today.
we should remember always.

how is his love so perfect? how am i made so perfect by it?
overwhelming. in a very good way.

for my mom:
... her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
"many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

it doesn't have to be perfect like a movie scene.

beautifully insane.

I slept until 9:30 this morning, but I really wanted to wake up earlier. Not because I had things to do, but because I was having awful dreams. I hardly ever remember my dreams and I hardly ever remember them this vividly. It was so violent. If the movie Crash was set in Orangeburg and involved me, then that's what my dream would have been. Bad. Very bad.

Want to hear something else bad? I was accidentally and inadvertently the cause of a cello bridge being broken. I think that gives you ten years of bad luck.

I started a new journal today. I finished the one I bought at the end of last May. Finally. It was my quarter life crisis journal. The last thing I wrote in it was a prayer for things I hope for my next journal to reflect such as more love and patience, deep interest in seeking God in all my decisions, and dedication. Hopefully, it won't take almost a whole other year to finish this one.

I'm not going to Charleston this summer. And I'm good with that. Laurie sent me an email that said "It was really great talking with you - you are such a special person... and my youngest friend. Keep being wonderful - you'll always be loved here!" And that made me happy and sure of the fact that if I was going to work for Wholly Cow, then I would want it to be with her and Rob. It's going to be ok. I don't know where this life is taking me, but I've got the faith to keep on going.

Maybe it'll take me to grad school and make me a registered dietician. What do you think??

Success will come to your plans. (this is what my fortune cookie told me)

I was evaluated today. And my manager and boss told me that I'm a leader. Oh hell no. But I think they're right. And I think that's good. And I got a raise. And I was offered 40 hours/week this summer if I want. I like my job and the people it contains. That's a good thing.

C2 has been discontinued. Corinne has the last of it. Nuts. I really like Coca Cola. Pepsi pretty much blows. The only think I dislike about Coke is their affiliation with Atlanta. But hey, you win some, you lose some. Did you know that the Coca Cola Zero movement is aimed at men? Well, now you do.

Wikipedia is amazing. I can look up everything on it. With it, Google and classes, my life is becoming too full of information.

I want to take a yoga class at City Yoga. It's $64 for students. Is that a rip off? It's once a week for 8 weeks. Monday nights for beginners. I think it would be a nice thing to do for myself.

If you hold on tight to what you think is your thing, you may find you're missing all the rest... We'll make the best of what's around.

Alrighty. I guess I've got to get away from the computer now. Bye bye.

i only wish my words could just convince myself

If I were to say something apologetic it would reflect my feelings in this matter. (from MirrorMask)

Today I was given to/served by so many people, but I feel like I've been too wrapped up in my own little world and my own little problems to thank them enough or to consider other people's worlds and other people's problems. And I feel this is a problem that can only be fixed through much determination.

Usually I'm very aware of the people around me and their feelings, but recently I've been on edge and insecure with myself and that's manifesting itself in the way I treat others.

Did I tell you to be courteous? Not to display empty manners with no meaning, but to live the courtesy born of caring. And to express this caring through the small formalities and customs born of the years.

I want to love everyone and think of everyone, but some days its just more difficult than others. And sometimes it's just plain old selfishness that gets in the way. Human nature can be rough...

I have a lot on my mind. Future plans keep changing and I can't seem to make a final decision. Maybe some yet to be had conversation will help solve that. I still have plenty of time. Time in college. Time in life. I have all the time in the world. Hmmm. It's funny how a person's thoughts and ideas can change drastically from day to day.

Did I tell you to be bold? To be not afraid of the unknown, but to live life to the fullest, and meet each new experience with joy and anticipation.

we'll make a bomb out of love

"Boys are rough. Dating is rough. College is rough. Life is just rough." - says Kt when provoked on discussing life.

This could be the very minute I'm aware I'm alive - All these places feel like home.

I like Mondays. I can sleep in if I want. And I get to clean my room. I'm listening to the almost summer mix from last year. It's the cd I listen to when I clean my room - it has good memories.

At work, someone told me I looked really good today. And that made me happy because I wasn't wearing any makeup at all and I've been feeling insecure about this no makeup decision. Not that I really need the affirmation, but it was nice.

Talking. Thinking. And it's nice to just be happy. Not to try to convince yourself that you're happy. Or try to make yourself happy. And outside of all the random stress I put into my life, I am happy. And I know that alot of my friends are happy, too. Even in their struggles, most of them know who they are and what they want and what impact they're making. And that's good.

Live a life less ordinary. Live a life extraordinary with me. Live a life less sedentary. Live a life evolutionary with me.

Anyway. That's just what I've been thinking. And now I'm thinking bed...

i swear... we were infinite!

You're breaking your mind by killing the time that kills you, but you can't blame the time 'cause its only in your mind.

I have a vata imbalance: Highly creative, quick thinkers at their best those who are vata-imbalanced in their weaker moments can have difficulty settling down long enough to actualize their visions. They're prone to distractions, free-floating fear, and worry - the latter of which is defined as "movement of the mind without an anchor." This state of mental agitation leads to a variety of physical symptoms, including weight loss, teeth grinding and insomnia. Vata-imbalanced people can actually find their stress subdued by calm, quiet, grounded activity.

Of course, I self diagnosed this from a yoga magazine from winter 2004, so there's no telling of the accuracy. It seems right.

Classes. Money. Future plans. Insurance. Jobs. Don't really need to know, but I keep worrying about it anyway. Darn my wandering mind.

I have gray hair. It's been there for years, but I usually dye my hair, but now it's back to stay. Aaa ghhh uggh hhh.

I think I like yoga. We'll see. Cadbury Mini Eggs are good. I need to finish this nutrition project. I want to finish A Million Little Pieces (a million days later...) I want to paint a picture. I want to learn Italian and go to Italy. And Ireland. And Australia. I want to buy a blow torch and make creme brulee for my friends. I want to take a nap. I want to make a mixed cd. I want to... So many things. I'm going to find my old list and revise it.

Mute Math is playing at Bonnaroo. Woot. You can't tell by my typing, but I'm excited.

No more makeup. I'm done with makeup. For the moment.

Summer. Summer. Summer. Kt. Callis. New apartment. Bonnaroo. Texas. Books. Twenty-first birthday. And more. Holla. (I'm wearing Coconut Lime - my summer scent - in hopes that it'll make it come quicker.)

I had a good weekend. It's not over quite yet, but it was nice. Don't watch Prime - no good. Oh so I hear - I fell asleep...

Done being random.

Our youth is fleeting, old age is just around the bend and I can't wait to go gray. And I'll sit and wonder of every love that could have been, if I'd only thought of something charming to say.

i can still smell the pomegranates grow...

And I don't know how hard this wind will blow or where we'll go... Come on and we'll sing, like we were free.

I don't want my life to be like a movie minus the last ten mintues. (Because that's where you find your happily ever after...)

Today was a long, tiring, productive, mildly stressful and mildly relieving day. I talked to and saw all the people I needed or wanted to talk to and see. I did responsible and adult things. I treated myself to Starbucks after exam three of four for the week. And I listened to lots of Dave and Death Cab - get excited for Bonnaroo 2006!

I heard this song tonight that I really liked - reminded me of Counting Crows... "Nothing Left to Lose" - Mat Kearney. You should listen to it.

And now I'm so tired and I'm going to bed so I can get up at six to be at class by eight to cook Spanish foods and then learn about vegetables.

I'm a war of head versus heart and it's always this way. My head is weak, my heart always speaks, before I know what it will say...

he wakes up in the morning...

what is happy?

hap·py (adj. hap·pi·er, hap·pi·est)

1. Characterized by good luck; fortunate.
2. Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy.
3. Being especially well-adapted; felicitous: a happy turn of phrase.
4. Cheerful; willing: happy to help.
5. 1. Characterized by a spontaneous or obsessive inclination to use something. Often used in combination: trigger-happy.
   2. Enthusiastic about or involved with to a disproportionate degree. Often used in combination: money-happy; clothes-happy.
      

I believe that the very purpose of life is to be happy. From the very core of our being, we desire contentment. In my own limited experience I have found that the more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. Cultivating a close, warmhearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. It helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. (says the Dalai Lama)

(just some food for thought... perhaps more discussion later. perhaps not.)

and i just showed up

Spending my time sleep walking, moving my mouth, but not saying a thing. Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in. I was in love with an idea. Preoccupied with how a life should appear. Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer. // There are so many ways to hide. There are so many ways not to feel. There are so many ways to deny what is real. And I just showed up for my own life. And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright.

when the bibbity bobbity boo is gone

When I was little and sick, I would watch Cinderella, The Little Mermaid and, occasionally, The Sound of Music. Now that I'm twenty, on my own and sick, I've decided to keep the tradition going. I put in the special edition dvd of Cinderella today and I'm excited, watching the previews and then what comes on? Cinderella 3. Are you kidding me?

The evil stepmother congers up a spell that reverses all of which the fairy godmother did. Everything that she had made (the dress, the horses and the carriage) which were the reasons why and how Cinderella went to "The Ball". So when all the magic is gone will there be a happily ever after all? What will Cinderella do? Find out in Cinderella III.

That's some bullshit. First of all, Disney sequels suck, so what makes them think a third would rock our worlds? And second of all, you can't undo Disney Magic. I don't care how evil the stepmother is - she's not powerful enough to do it. She and the fairy godmother are not even on the same playing field.

I called my mom and told her and she said that she agreed and it was stupid and that she won't take Rebecca to see it. So, we're boycotting the film. If you want to join, feel free. Maybe there will be buttons. Ok, I'm going to continue being sick now.