maybe there’s no gray and I was wrong to tell them so

Today some good things happened...

I skipped class. I rediscovered the bouncy ball ad. I experienced my first real life DHEC inspection. I talked to a SYSCO rep about their new fresh seafood plan. A customer complimented me on my service skills. I was recruited to speak at the Eta Sigma Delta luncheon on April 13. (I just realized that's a very busy day for me.) I got to talk to Hope and Kayla. I have a big bag of granola. It came from a big box of granola. I discovered the amazingness of Yo Burrito with Alison. I got to talk to Matt and make Easter plans because he lives near me now. Our living room smells like wisteria. This showed up on my computer... "hey hottie this is amanda ferres and i want your body." Matt's mom is driving to Sumter on Sunday. And she's taking me with her because she's amazing.

Some bad things happened too. But there's no need to dwell on such nonsense.

I need more of The Album Leaf in my life. (That's a plea.)

‘Cause we’re all just the same. We’re all just as good, and just as bad, and just as distracted by the corners of our eyes.

makes me want a little sugar in my bowl

As it turns out I didn't like my last post at all. Bye last post.

Also, as it turns out, bubble and squeak is not at all what we served today at the McCutchen House. It's not supposed to have meat in it. Ours did.

I've noticed recently, through observation and conversation, that hearts are ridiculous. So easy to break and so hard to mend.

I'm glad that I can bring up random topics with my boyfriend. And I'm glad that he can answer his phone when I want to talk about these things. And I'm glad that I trust him infinite amounts. I'm also glad that he trusts me that much. Honesty is such an excellent policy. So is not eating racoon stew.

The Granola Hut has a large amount of granola. I used to wonder why it was called the Granola Hut. Now I know.

I'm overwhelmed by the amount of amazing music in my life. And I like electronica. Evidently. And people always say DMB songs are all about sex and drugs, and maybe it is, but so is everybody else's music. I'm done with lyrics... That's a lie.

The new Starbucks in the Vista opens tomorrow. I'm excited. Maybe I'll walk there. That would be nice.

dinasour421: i've had too much and not enough coffee

People should go see Courtney play with Great White Fleets on Friday night at the Watershed and Steven Fiore at Jammin Java on Saturday night. Doooo it. I am.

I have pollen pieces in my hair all the time. I need to get my haircut.

I don't think I see myself the way other people see me. This is a very recent realization that bothers me immensely.

Let's none of us forget about who we are, so choose a path and follow it, take a pill and swallow it.

there's an awful beating in my chest

I still haven't comprehended the fact that Matt isn't really leaving. I woke up sad this morning, but I keep reminding myself that he's not going anywhere.

This week is going to be ridiculous. And that is all I have.

... and yet I feel strangely blessed because I know it came from seeing you today.

i'll bask in the rays or slowly suffer its abuse

I am not sure what I would like to write.

Morning can be a time of mourning or potential hope.

I like watching people change. I like changing with people. I like encouraging them to do it. And I like the encouragement that comes back to me. I love this community - these people, this family I've stumbled upon in this place.

I used to think there were things I wish hadn't happened and people I wish hadn't met. I think what I really hope for is letting go of them. Accepting them as moments, instances, personalities that I don't have to hold onto forever.

And high tide is rolling in and the undertow pulls me out to sea. The soft sand makes it awfully hard to stand.

I am no longer worried about forever. I can only worry about right now. And right now, I am so happy to be here. Right now. In this moment. With You.

My Dad just called and asked me about my life. I told him about Matt. And about work. And about school. And about people dying. And about my friends. All this within maybe five minutes and I started to cry. I can't remember the last time I cried to my Dad. Growing up can be so hard.

What do you get by singing alone? The music just bounces off the wall.

i've been known to take my time

Today I went to work and tried really hard to be positive. It's not the customers I have a problem doing this with. Tomorrow I don't have to work.

"Congratulations, you get to spend time with Matt." - Meredith

Courtney has pretty red shoes.

I had coffee at Immac and from Starbucks. It was all amazing.

And I looked at hamsters. And imagined what it would be like to be a bunny with a bunny lying on my head. And I thought how nice it would be to be a ferret with a hammock.

Matt Jones makes me very happy.

It's also quite possible that he read that since he's a real person now.

I wish someone would bake cupcakes and bring one to me.

This is a Guiness cupcake with Bailey's Irish Cream frosting. Hm. It is also the background on my computer.

All my energies. All my lazy days. Keep reminding me that you go on and on and you're on my mind.

i wanted to tell you i'd changed

When Jesus is asked, 'What's the most important thing?' Jesus' response is to love, love God with everything that you have and then love those around you in the same kind of way. Jesus doesn't separate loving God and loving others. For Jesus, everything hangs on these two. And so the defining mark of a Christian is love.

this ship is taking me far away...

Today I saw Matt Baker on the street and he walked with me to Starbucks where he taught me that the plural of Starbucks is Starbi. (Tony thinks that's funny for some reason - He's laughing at me...)

But anyway. I got a vanilla bean creme blended with two shots of espresso and two pumps of peppermint. (That's a Matt Jones creation) And it was amazing. So amazing that I made everybody try it - Baker, Liza, Bob. They're all believers now.

I got my eyebrows done today. I like that feeling. I know you're judging me now.

david: ever heard of a knuckle sandwich?
me: yeah.
david: i have 5 of my best friends coming for you

And then he told me he was going to beat me with a stick!

I left in the middle of one of my classes today. Because my brother is in town and he's in the Marines. That's what I told my teacher. It's all true.

Matt Jones is coming home in two days. Two days. Two days.

I just ate half of a portabella wrap from Cool Beans. It was messy. But good. I shouldn't have spent the money. I'm such a terrible budgeter. Oy. No more! All week. Wait. No. I lied. Maybe next week.

I think Jessica Moody took this picture. I like it.

I'm not sure how I feel about today... Eh. I'm gonna go talk to God.

our hopes and expectations. black holes and revelations.

i am letting myself go

And I can see that my hands are trembling, I can see that my legs are weak.
I can see that my head is spinning, but I will overcome.
And I know that my heart is hurting, And I know that my soul it aches.
And I know that it seems I'm failing, but I will overcome.
God listen to me shout, I'm so far from anywhere and I'm calling out.
And I will overcome not by my strength but by Your grace and love.

You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been
surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're
not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been
spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown
down, but we haven't broken. - 2 Corinthians 4, The Message

it's a beautiful day. don't let it get away.

Er·in (ěr'ĭn) A poetic name for Ireland.

I love St. Patrick's Day. My mom says it's my holiday. I think that means I should go to Ireland. Maybe it means I should just travel the world. I don't actually see that correlation, but I bet I could make it work.

who all seen da' leprechaun say yeah!

Yesterday, in honor of, WXRY played U2 all day long. 24 hours of the greatest Irish band of all time. Leslie hated it. Amanda and I loved it.

And speaking of good music, Saki Tumi gets two thumbs up from me. Coldplay, Guster, Goo Goo Dolls, Shawn Colvin, amazingness, sushi and other delicious tapas and pomegranate sake. Ooo and the ginger salad was delicious.

We went to 5Points last night. Crazy. But the most amazing thing that happened last night was that while I was in the middle of Harden Street a friend called to ask for prayer and, in the midst of chaos, my friends and I stopped and prayed. And then later, I heard my friends discussing God over drinks. I love that He's everywhere.

... the unexpected presence of God.

3 Days until Matt Jones. 88 Days until Bonnaroo.

I've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on.

I got to thinking about how much time I spend in my life crashing around like a great gasping fish, either squirming away from some uncomfortable distress or flopping hungrily toward ever more pleasure. And I wondered whether it might serve me (and those who are burdened with the task of loving me) if I could learn to stay still and endure a bit more without always getting dragged along on the potholed road of circumstance. - Eat. Pray. Love.

i'm so lost for you

update: mr. jones is coming home one day early! yay for next wednesday.

Today was pretty. Pretty. pretty.
oh my.
i felt a peace.
i felt a pain. a growing pain.

Life is about to change drastically. But you might not notice it at all.

I'm nervous. And I wish I was a hippie.

words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup

callis is coming tomorrow! i am excited.

If faith were rational, it wouldn't be -by definition- faith. Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy. I'm not interested in the insurance industry.... I couldn't care less about evidence and proof and assurances. I just want God. I want God inside me. I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water. - Eat. Pray. Love.

you gotta change all these feelings

They say it's hard to find good friends, encouragement and love. I think the hardest part is accepting it.

I affect. And I am affected. I cry tears of pain. And tears of joy. For myself and others. I'm learning to embrace it.

Ten days until Matt Jones is home!

Despite going to work and still having homework, I think I love Spring Break. Though I'm sure my body will hate me for the going out later.

I'm going to clean. And paint my toes. And listen to Bob Marley and India Arie. And then go to work. And then go to a new church. And spend time with my God who loves me so.

I am not my hair. I am not this skin. I am not your expectations. No no. I am not my hair. I am not this skin. I am a soul that lives within.

remind me that we'll always have each other.

I had to apologize to God this morning for trying to ignore him for quite some time. I think he had already forgiven me. But you know how guilt is...

There is impoliteness in our experience of living. There is darkness and pain. But the wonder and the joy and the surprise are that even in the middle of darkness and loss is the unexpected presence of God. - d.crowder

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

If I turn into another, dig me up from what is covering the better part of me.

hello again. its been too long.

Midterms = Procrastination.
Procrastination = Blogging.

It is Joanne's birthday! (That's Matt's mom to the rest of you...) So, if you see her around Lexington, wish her well this birthday week and let her know that you think 28 will be a good year for her.

My last voicemail from Matt erased today. Sad.

In class, my marketing teacher compared dating relationships with customer loyalty based on satisfaction, quality of alternatives and investment. It kind of made me feel cheap and replaceable.

Also, Diet Pepsi Max and Diet Coke Plus are going to be released. Someday. One has extra caffeine. The other has vitamins. Ridiculous. And McDonalds wants to sell lattes.

You know what else is ridiculous? 50 cent tacos. I love bars with cheap food.

I also love mint in my lattes. And espresso. I love espresso. And I love espresso from Cool Beans. Especially when I'm with Rachel. And when DMB is playing. I love DMB.

And speaking of Dave. His painting is gone from Jammin Java. My favorite seat is now missing my favorite person.

That's your favorite seat - Why?
Because I'm up against the wall with Dave Matthews, right where I belong.

I don't know if that's appropriate, but it was a real conversation.

My brother has a new motorcyle and truck in his life. They are pretty. And he looks cute in his little marine outfit, too. Excuse me, I mean, it's all very manly.

I have accomplished nothing here. I think I have lost part of my zeal for life. I shall sleep little.

Crazy how it feels tonight. Crazy how you make it all alright, love.

i need you so much closer.

Though Matt cannot always appreciate everything about me when I am not around, he can always appreciate my love of Dave Matthews and my passion for spreading his music. I love that he loves that about me. I bet Dave does, too.

two weeks is forever.
i miss matt jones. alot.

Oh, maybe I'm crazy, but laughing out loud will make the pain pass by. And maybe you're a little crazy, and laughing out loud will make it all subside. Holding, I'm holding out.

i am weary, but i know your touch restores my life

David was the man after God's own heart. (That's a pretty intense description for someone.)

But with that in mind you would think about how perfect this man would be... Not the case. Evidently, David stumbled into some pretty big roadblocks in life (inquire for details) and is basically a big sign of humanity for all Christians.

So, last night, Garrett talked about all this and I don't think I took away what I was supposed to take away. I took away a lesson on forgiveness. Why? Because God forgave David. Not without consequence, but He forgave him. He let it go.

Why can't we do that as humans? Why is it so hard to move on? And is there stupidity in forgiving and allowing the same thing to happen over and over? But you never know when someone is sincere about changing.

But is it really our job? Or should we protect ourselves?

I wish I was more like God in my level of forgiving. I wish it didn't hurt so much to be hurt and that it didn't take so much to move forward and forget.

all i want you to do is be my love. my love. my love.

If I wrote you a symphony, just to say how much you mean to me, what would you do?

This weekend I'm studying. I have to because there is to much that is due and has to be done this week. But then! Then it is Spring Break. And I will continue to work, but it will without class and that makes it less stressful.

I'm at Cool Beans. Rachel is planning my hypothetical wedding, Alison is studying for her big test tomorrow, and I just finished my management strategy questions and am browsing the Wall Street Journal for interesting information.

I have a green tea chai next to me that begs for resteaming.

My mom loves me. She bought be a sixty count package of sharpies.

I'm listening to Justin Timberlake.

She looks like a model except she's got a little more ass... She's got me lovestoned.