i'm trying to figure out what else to say

A thought: Somedays... via Truebeliever.

Yesterday was long. At both jobs. But they both went by surprisingly quickly. That sounds backwards.

I'm going to open a coffee shop where we sell just coffee - none of that frilly crap. Just Coffee. And that's what I'm going to call it... "Just Coffee". And we'll make tshirts that have our logo/name on the front and on the back it will "It's not rocket science."

I just don't understand why it is so difficult sometimes. Seriously, people. It's just milk and espresso and sugar. It's not going to end your world if you don't like it and I will ALWAYS make you something different if you don't like it.

Also, I've begun to view children and large familes as conversion killers while I'm at work. I'm only hostile about it in my head though. Oyyy.

At this rate, I probably won't have any children.

Did I even tell you all I was promoted at Bath and Body Works? Probably not, but I was and I'm glad and it should make for a terribly interesting (busy) holiday season.

9 days until Coldplay! 19 days until Asheville! 25 days until Black Friday!

Today (is my one day off!): church, indian buffet, nap, exercise tv, (different) church (i think).

for breakfast: 1/2 c oats, tbsp craisins, tbsp sunflower seeds, tbsp almond slivers, 1 c skim milk (i used soy, but its a little powerful if you don't like soy). mix together in an airtight container and refrigerate overnight. mmm.

You turned me out and now I can't turn back.

irony is hating love

a friend bought me the new p!nk cd today and dropped it off while i was working. i like it a lot because it's real. and catchy, of course. but this song is what i'm holding onto at the moment.

Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
and a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace, and
I’m learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.

(P!nk. Crystal Ball.)

i'm on the verge. i'm on the verge.

I come undone, oh yes, I do. Just think of all the thoughts wasted on you.

I think I too often judge my days by what I accomplish or how much I get done. I make a list and the day is not complete unless I cross off at least half of the things I have "to do". Why is that? When did I become so wrapped up in what I can do instead of just enjoying what I've done?

Today, I worked a lot and went to a small group, but I'd like to think of my victories as the yoga I did this morning, the moments I shared with friends and the cup of tea I'm drinking right now - ginseng peppermint for those of you who are interested. All thirteen hours of my day spent away from home and that is what it boils down to for me.

I would like to be one of those people who lives simply.

I would like to be one of those people who finds joy in the mundane as much as in the excitement. I would like to be one those people who recognizes God in everyday things rather than just in the big things. I would like to be one of those people who is more in tune with themselves - my body, my spirit, my mind. I would like to be one of those people who lives for others in the midst of living myself. I would like to be one of those people who doesn't see everything I do as a task or a chore. I would like to be one those people who doesn't make every new encounter into something awkward.

I would like to be one of those people who lives simply.

Does that make sense at all?

I don't know what I ramble on about half the time. And I suppose that's okay. But now I'm going to sleep in my warm little, heated mattress pad bed. Praise for the little things.

Also, this picture is from simply breakfast. It makes me think of fall. And it makes me want to drink chai every morning and eat nuts and yogurt and oatmeal for every meal.

I am aware I've been misled. I disconnect my heart, my head. Don't wanna recognize when things go bad, the things that you'll accept. Except that I am... I'm finding the words.

be patient. i am getting to the point.

"i beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..."

as i search for the resolution

there's a lot that i don't know. there's a lot that i'm still learning. but i think i'm letting go. find my body. it's still burning.

i feel like i've done a lot of flopping around the past three months.

i have a plan now. short term.

and if that works out, then i have a (temporary) long term goal.

also, i just want to be friends. with everyone.

and the bars are finally closed, so i try living in the moment.

new jack's mannequin cd is out. spinning and the resolution are my favorite tracks. everything in transit is a much better album though. much better. much.

and you hold me down. yeah, you hold me down.

i'm alive and i don't need a witness to know that i survived.

c'mon, just snap, snap, snap your fingers for me

good good day.

i played hooky from both jobs.

i went to the dealer. i had starbucks with kt. and bread and cheese for breakfast. good conversation. picked up my race packet. went to the outlets. bangs trimmed. walked the bridge (it takes one hour and ten minutes). got sushi and other stuff at whole foods. received six free tickets to see chris thile and edgar meyer. ate sushi. saw wall sized hanson poster from their mmmbop days. went to the show with friends. heard a song about a spider monkey who was hungry so he ate some goat cheese and slipped into a goat cheese coma until he had some coffee and then he fell in love. ate ice cream from cold stone with blueberries and oreos. came home and put some laundry in the washer. typed a blog in all lowercase letters.

the end.

tomorrow i race for the cure!

good, good, now we're making some progress. come on just tap, tap, tap your toes to the beat.

it doesn't hurt me

You wanna feel how it feels? You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me? You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?

Someone told me I don't smile anymore.

That's not true.

I smile now when I really want to... when something really makes me happy or amuses me. Why? Because I spent a lot of time smiling because I thought I was supposed to - that no matter how I felt, I was supposed to put it aside and smile and make it work.

So, I don't smile as much. That's fine. But know that when I do, it's because I want to and not because I felt like you made me.

You and me won't be unhappy. And if I only could make a deal with God and get him to swap our places. Be running up that road. Be running up that hill. With no problems...

then making a wish he tossed in the sea

I just wanted to say hi.

I've been really busy... with work. with friends. with other work. with trying to sleep. with finishing The OC. and with laundry - I feel like that is a never ending battle for me. oy.

I have a lot to look forward to and prepare for in the next couple of months, so it should be interesting. and exciting. and stressful - because that never seems to go away.

I read a Real Simple magazine the other day because I realized that I always bought them and never read them and that defeated the purpose of simplifying my life because all that happened was that I collected a giant pile of unread magazines in my room.

So it inspired me to throw out all my old makeup and get some new (less amounts) of the things that I needed. I like it. It is, in fact, simpler. I'm glad the magazine lives up to it's name.

Also, there are a thousand little lambies at Bath and Body Works - free with a $15 purchase. Adorable, yes? Yes. Kt and I bought big ones, so I finally have a new stuffed animal. It's perfect. It's name is Kirk - go figure.

Oh. And I'm addicted to ringtones right now. It's an expensive little habit I've picked up. Ack.

Alright, well, it looks like I'm going to be late for work - as I haven't even showered yet. Awesome.

live through this and you won't look back

peace... it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

I am so much and have so much to look forward to... I'm starting to take baby steps toward the person I want to be. It's a lot harder than I thought, but I'm doing alright, I think.

and he said to me... "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me."

There's one thing I have to say so I'll be brave. You were what I wanted. I gave what I gave. I'm not sorry I met you. I'm not sorry it's over. I'm not sorry there's nothing to save.

this could take all year

It would have been 2 years. And now it has been 2 months.

... but i feel alright so please don't get me rescued.

i get my ends and my beginnings mixed up too

I read this in The Shack's newsletter:

"Expectations are funny things. It is our natural tendency to enter uncharted waters trying to anticipate what will await. And if I have learned anything in the last few months it is that I can't will something into existence by anticipation. I often miss out on what is real and in front of me because of the immense amount of control I have attempted to "claim" over the situation. Ha. More and more so I am seeing, being convinced and finding rest in that "all things God works for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose. - Romans 8:28" - Becky Freed

I like it.

I'm not in a bad place... just a weird place. I'm in a place where I need to decide what is important to me. It's not enough to believe something - I must be convicted of it. Evidently I have preferences, but lack conviction... I must follow through on thoughts and do something rather than allowing ideas to become stagnant because I'm preoccupied with busyness.

"Guard against the tyranny of the urgent. The most important things will seldom scream for your attention, they will simply wait for you to discover them. Things like prayer, Scripture study, cultivating friendships, thinking, enjoying art. The loud and demanding are rarely as important as these." - Charles Swindoll

We have begun to change into the worst kind of people. So unkind. Oh apologies, no apologies, this apology doesn't describe the way it feels to feel for you.

you weren't there. you let me fall...

P!NK - So What

So, so what? I'm still a rockstar. I got my rock moves and I don't need you. And guess what? I'm havin' more fun. And now that we're done, I'm gonna show you. Tonight. I'm alright. I'm just fine. And you're a tool.

bad news never had good timing

I'm still here and I'm doing well.

I'm working and refocusing. And some things are still fuzzy. But I'm really excited about some stuff. And I think that I might be headed in the right direction.

Thank you for your patience. Really.

No, it won't always go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good.

which drink did my memory drown in?

so, if we're all guilty, then what's the point in pointing fingers, anyway? i'm no better, i'm just bitter, and i never got to say how it hit me when you told me...

i've got to face this now; i've got to take these walls down.

and it's dead. let it rest. let's not let us go on about a future that's passed away. leviweaver.com

line up. line up. you're going.

Yesterday sucked. I actually cried. I haven't cried over much recently. It's like I was tapped out. But I was really tired. I worked until 2am, then came back to open the store and then again to close at BBW. I found out my car will cost two thousand dollars to finish fixing. I discovered some people really are just assholes. And Joe left yesterday. It was all very overwhelming.

But I have good friends and supportive family. And I ended my night on the porch and it was good. So, I don't have to worry. I don't get to be irresponsible, but I don't have to worry. (Worry about nothing. Pray about everything.) It's going to be ok.

The money is clean 'cause we scrub it good. With guns and gasoline we're gonna save the world. Nothing's obscene if we only close our eyes. Boys and girls, welcome to this joyride.

what a mess i make of my days

I feel like I'm being crushed and it's taking every ounce of me not to have a nervous breakdown.

Actually, that's not true. Every ounce of me has crumbled. The only thing keeping me from collapsing is God - which is crazy since I haven't been very attentive to him recently.

I don't feel strong at all. Everything here is wrong and it's not what you think.

His grace is sufficient. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. He is the love - the love that moves the sun and the stars and my heart.

give me a reason to end this discussion

I used to rely on self-medication. I guess I still do that from time to time. But I'm getting better at fighting the future. Someday you'll be fine. Yes, I'll be just fine.

I guess we'll just wait and see what happens from here.

I'm living my life as best as I can... doing the best that I can with what I have. I hope that's enough. Sometimes it's frustrating, but I'm okay with taking this all slowly.

Tell me that you're alright. Yeah, everything is alright. Oh, please tell me that you're alright. That everything is alright.

now everybody needs some time

my new digs. more.

And everybody knows.
The rest of it's fine.
And everybody knows.

The Dandy Warhols - We Used to be Friends.

good love is on the way

I've been lonely, but I know I'll be okay. Good love is on the way.

I shouldn't have had that double latte when I went from one job to the next today. However, I'm not completely sure that I would have made it through job two without it. Hmm. Oh well.

My laptop is broken. My car is broken. My Dave photo fell again. The mall was slow. I only made three dollars in tips. I don't get paid. I have zero dollars to do anything.

But I have really excellent friends and family. I love my jobs (for the most part). My coworkers and employees are amazing. I have a home and a comfy bed and delicious food and lots of caffeine.

Life always work out for the best even if you have to struggle to get there. He is faithful.

I'm doing things here.

Listen to: Antonia - Motion City Soundtrack.

My lover spoke and said to me, “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.” – Song of Solomon

Three years brokenhearted, but now her ghost is finally gone. Done with broken people. This is me I'm working on 'cause I know good love is on the way.

all the streetlights say nevermind

I don't think I'm gonna go to L.A. anymore. I don’t know what it's like to land and not race to your door. I don't think I'm gonna go to L.A. anymore.

I am organized chaos. Yes. I am.

Fall is coming. I felt it in the breeze today. I also saw it on my order sheet when I ordered pumpkin pie ice cream and pumpkin spice sauce. Yessss.

There are so many opportunities coming my way both professionally and personally. The work would have come to me anyway, but, I swear, being single has really opened my social network. Imagine that.

I'm not scared - just uncertain of what's around the next corner, but the good news is that it's not in my hands or in my timing. I just gotta do what I do and let God do what He does.

I finished reading Waiter Rant and there was this one part of the book that I really felt. And I wanted to share it with everyone because I don't think it's something we all need to experience (even though we all absolutely have at some point):

"The reason I've been fearful to utilize my talents is because I'm afraid of failure. I'm always waiting for disaster to strike, for the other shoe to drop. That's why I never opened that coffee shop. That's why my relationships have turned sour. It's why I'm still fearful my writing will amount to nothing. That's the real reason I haven't quit The Bistro. I'm afraid I'll fail if I try to do anything else." - The Waiter

Awful. And true. And difficult to overcome.

I went to Columbia over the weekend and realized that it is no longer my home (I'm not exactly sure where it is at moment). Sure, the city holds many memories, but I don't live there anymore. It's no longer the way we were - it is the way they are in a place that used to be ours, but now belongs to new people. And it is ok. I'm ready to let it go. (I think.)

On a more pleasant (not that the last subject wasn't pleasant) note, I'm now reading a Bob Dylan autobiography and my room is complete except for a new valance and I will be swapping out some art soon. It's all very urban ikea barn. I suspect a few of you understand that.

"I'd come from a long ways off and had started a long ways down. But now destiny was about to manifest itself. I felt like it was looking right at me and nobody else." - Bob Dylan

Also, I have a little bit more downtime this week. I plan on watching The OC on dvd and doing laundry and reading (my book and a new blog someone sent me) and spending time with friends.

I feel there was more to say, but I'm at a loss now. Oh well.

Listen to John Mayer (live) Where The Light Is.

I’m gonna steer clear. Burn up in your atmosphere. I’m gonna steer clear 'cause I’d die if I saw you - die if I didn’t see you there.