spoon in spoon, stirring my coffee.

Chef Knapp: Erin, send Harry to my office when he gets here.
Me: Okay. Why?
Chef Knapp: I'm going to yell at him.
Me: Oh... Why?
Chef Knapp: He ruined an entire case of pork.
Me: Oh.

Poor Harry. Even though he's insensitive to everyone else, I'm pretty sure he still has feelings that can be hurt too. I'm waiting for the day I do something stupid at work and get yelled at by Chef Knapp. I will cry. Then he might yell some more. Gosh, I hope that never happens. I'm praying against it. His birthday is Saturday. So is Rachel's. This means Friday should be interesting and full of cake. I hope.

Oh, maybe I'm crazy, but laughing out loud will make the pain pass by. And maybe you're a little crazy, and laughing out loud will make it all subside. Holding, I'm holding out.

I'm worried about my health. I'm going to start paying more attention to it.

When I drink coffee, I can feel my headaches melt away. I noticed this first at Bonnaroo (which thank God had a coffee shop) and I'm noticing it now - here at the Wired Bean. I decided to go to a place I wasn't familiar with. The coffee here is good, but they're out of soy milk. No problem. Skim is good too. There is a guy playing music from his laptop without headphones. That is improper coffee shop etiquette. It is so not busy here.

Sometimes I like to do things alone that I know I'll enjoy, so I can remember that I'm ok by myself. Occasionally I forget that and feel very very small and then I have to go fix it.

I'm supposed to be writing a paper. Ha.

So evidently my phone is broken. The ear piece doesn't work. I can only hear people when I have it on speaker or when it has a headset plugged in. I'll get a courtesy phone on Thursday-ish and then in 3-4 weeks I'll have my phone back or a new one. Something else to look forward to I suppose.

Lalala. Thank you to the people who surround me and love me and let me rant. You are way too awesome for words.

Alison has been looking at real estate in Charleston. I hope she gets a teaching position there that she loves.

It's weird to think how quickly life goes by. In a year, I'll be living in Charleston - managing the Wholly Cow store I worked at in high school. And that'll keep me occupied for a couple of years until I can save money and figure out where I'm going and who I'm going with.

From time to time, minutes and hours. Some move ahead while some lag behind. It's like the balloon, it rise and then vanish. This drop of hope falls from his eye.

as i went down in the river to pray

This morning I went to Starbucks and the woman in front of me was fussy and ordering gifts. She was mumbling about Barista behind his back. You know, typical impatient customer. And I just didn't understand why you would be mean to the person who holds the key to the coffee so early in the morning. You're supposed to be nice to the people who give you coffee. That's just the way it is.

I should have known this meant the day was going to be rough.

I sent Matt some letters this morning. A lot actually. And I felt good about that until his mom called and had found out that the dorm number was wrong. And he, in fact, isn't graduating until August 4. I tried to be calm on the phone, but on the inside I was freaking out. I stopped everything I was doing at work made several phone calls and changed all of my flight information. I went back to work and did my best to be happy, but I was still freaking out on the inside.

When I got home I completely broke down. Poor Alison. I just started sobbing about how much I wanted him to get my letters and I wanted him to know that I was thinking about him and that I missed him. And then I started sobbing about changing my flight and spending extra money, but of course that didn't matter to me because I really just wanted to see him and I would pay anything. Sobbing. Holding that lion. Then my mom called and I started sobbing again.

I wrote him another letter that was rambling and stupid just because I wanted to make sure he got something from me.

And I think I'm frustrated because I'm feeling so much. I'm supposed to be calm. And not show my feelings. I'm not supposed to be sad.

Then I had to calm down and I went for a drive. I went down to the river to pray. I prayed for so many things that I can't even remember. It was nice. I was much calmer when I left. I even met a nice man and his son who were about to go canoeing in a storm.

I'm just so glad that God is on my side and I know that I have nothing to worry about. It's just the humanity that gets to me sometimes. It's crazy how people effect your life so much and you don't notice it until they're gone. Ramble. Ramble.

It's true, it may seem like a stretch, but its thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away when I am missing you to death.

There's a dead bat on our porch. This day just keeps getting better and better.

when I think of all of the things that we've done and what's to come

I just bought my ticket to San Antonio. Well, Dad bought my ticket. Because he loves me - despite the lack of communication at times.

I can't wait. (Everything's bigger and better in Texas!)

I started thinking about this trip back when Joe graduated from Parris Island, so it's been a long time coming. It just never seemed real until last week. It's strange how you think you're prepared for something until the time for it actually comes. Every second seems shortened, yet more important than the last.

I can't help but think it's part of some plan.

now my feet turn the corner back home

Just to let you know - I'm still alive. I've just been keeping busy. I have jobs to work and trips to plan. And school work to do. Boo. Thanks for calling. It's good and I appreciate it. I'm doing okay. I'm adjusting. It's weird.

I've been too tired to blog. And I still have to devote a lot of typing to Bonnaroo (four most amazing days of my life).

But I got a fish. It's name is Little Red Fish. (I'm not sure if it's a boy or girl...) It lives in our coffee pot. I saved it from certain McCutchen House death.

We never said what we were dreaming of, but you turned me into somebody loved.

kiss me and smile for me. tell me that you'll wait for me.

The pain now is a part of the happiness then, that's the deal.

This past week has been pretty insane. I don't even know where to start. I guess I'm procrastinating writing about Bonnaroo because I still haven't quite put all the happenings of those four days together and into words. So, for now, I will wait and use words that have been given to me recently. And if you know, then you understand.

You have made me a better person. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy! - 1Peter 1:8 I'm sorry I have to leave you. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. - Psalm 34:18 Please please call me when you do not feel strong and brave. I love you much and I am always here for you. Be not sorrowful on account of separation; verily thy Lord is of more good to thee than anything in the material world. He is the best companion and the best friend and will accompany thee under all aspects. - `Abdu'l-Baha' I truly admire you two... Everytime I think of you, I give thanks to my God. I always pray for you, and I make my requests with a heart full of joy. - Philippians 1:3-4 It's only six weeks. It's going be alright. I just have this feeling that everything is going to be alright.

and i've never felt so speechless in my life.

Everybody's doing it. Listing their choices for Bonnaroo. So, I am, too. I'm such a follower. And I obviously still have decisions to make...

Thursday:
I Nine, 7:15-8:15

Friday:
I Nine, 12-12:30
Ben Folds, 2-3:15

Bright Eyes, 4-5:30

Nickel Creek, 4-5:30
Oysterhead, 5:30-7:30
Robert Randolph, 5:30-7
Death Cab for Cutie, 6:15-7:45
Tom Petty, 8-12

Saturday:
My Morning Jacket, 12-2:30am
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, 2:30-3:30
Mute Math, 3-4
Elvis Costello, 3-4:30
Rusted Root, 3:15-4:45
Blues Traveler, 5:15-6:45
Beck, 5:30-7
Radiohead, 8:30-11

Sunday:
Rusted Root, 1:30-2
Bela Fleck, 3-4:30

And I kind of want to see The Disco Biscuits, but only because they call themselves The Disco Biscuits.

And speaking of music... I'm loving Mute Math right now. So much. I listened to them while I blew the leaves off the patio this morning.

And I just got the new Plumb cd - finally. It's much "harder" than I thought it would be. And when I say hard, I mean like Evanescence not like Killswitch or anything. Ooo. And Chef finally brought me all the cds he told me he would - Wilco, Elvis Costello, Kevin Ayers and The Freddy Jones Band. The latter two are bands from his seventies, crazy days. I'm excited to hear those.

My Mom called and told me she wanted a song called Fireflies. She didn't know who it was. I figured it out for her, bought it on iTunes. I'll make her a cd before Kt leaves next Tuesday, so she can have it. But the point is that the song is adorable. Rebecca danced to it at her recital. I got excited because it talks about fireflies - and well, I have a secret obsession with them.

I believe in fairy tales. And dreamer's dreams, like bedsheet sails. And I believe in Peter Pan. And miracles, and anything I can to get by. And fireflies.

That's a lot about music for right now, so I think I'm gonna quit - ya know, save myself for Bonnaroo blogging later.

(Behold and enjoy the sand sculpture evolution pictures. They're here for your viewing pleasure. Please refrain from touching them. Art is art. Thankyousomuch.)

Oh, I can't stop drinking the coffee. If I stop drinking coffee, I stop doing the standing and the walking and the words putting-into-sentence doing.

A theme. A theme. A coffee theme. In my life. Wowza. Unhealthy. But so fun. Two in one day. It's been done before. It'll be done again.

I'm stocking up on canned caffeine for Bonnaroo. Did you know they have an 18 page info guide? EIGHTEEN PAGES!

Reality has absolutely no place in our world!

Today, I love Dave Matthews Band, Our Lady Peace and Death Cab for Cutie.

We watched lots of Gilmore Girls. Four episodes of pure procrastination. No paper finished. It's ok. It's a draft. I think that means it doesn't completely count. Holla.

I'm looking forward to this week. It's going to be amazing. I'm not going to want it to end. For many reasons. One having to do with five stinky bodies in one van. Others more serious.

Boo yah means "to fill a tooth" in Chinese.

Beth the Barista is playing at NBT on Tuesday. I hate NBT. But I like Beth. Dilemma? Nah.

I have words to write and things to say, but my body says no. Nope. Nope. Nope. No more words. Just sleep for five hours. Just enough to get me through the pressure washing tomorrow.

and it's bad and it's mad and it's making me sad.

My days seem the same. Wake up. Coffee. Work. Sometimes more work. Insert some type of socialization. Always ends up being tired.

Yesterday the Sysco Rep forgot to enter our order, so today our Sysco order didn't arrive. Not until Chef Knapp called her and told her to fit as much of our order as possible into her car and bring it to us. My grill brush was in that car. That made me happy.

The cheeseburger with no meat lady drove me a little crazy though.

Matt Jones comes back sometime tomorrow! Yay! And we get internet tomorrow! And Chef is making french toast for breakfast!

So despite the double jobbing it, I'll be quite happy.

Oh. I saw Bryson Jennings play at Jammin Java tonight. Very good. Check out his myspace. And he's only 17 - crazy.

Ok, that tired is setting in and, well, I'm a sucker for a feather pillow.

it ain't about the things you say

Or how you make me feel this way.

Dateline: To Catch a Predator is on. I'm definitely not going to watch it. I'm going to watch an episode from my favorite season of Gilmore Girls instead (that's 3, btw). And this tv is pretty amazing, so I think I should take advantage of it.

I got my hairs cut today. Nothing drastic. No one has even noticed. And I'm okay with that. I went to 7 Doors and told Kate (my stylist) to do what she would with my bangs, but I wanted my length. I've decided there's no such thing as too much spent on a hair cut that doesn't make me cry.

I finally wrote my thank you letter to Dr. Moody for my scholarship. I'm finally settling down into my job. I'm still always tired at the end of the day though. I still haven't started my paper yet. I don't wannaaaaaaaa. Boo.

Mmmm. I had excellent coffee from Immac this morning. Coffee with a shot of espresso. And a biscuit. A darn good biscuit, too. With preserves. Yum yum yum.

I wish JJ had a really excellent working espresso machine with really excellent espresso beans. We usually have the latter, but right now we're batting 0 for 2. Speaking of the Java... Mandatory meeting tomorrow. Dunno why.

I feel like being at Matt Jones' house is like staying at a really elaborate, personal hotel except they don't remake your bed or fold your toilet paper into triangles. And, well, that's the best part of a hotel. But I really like driving into Columbia in the morning.

I'm making a mixed cd. I like the songs a lot, but I feel the overall mood of it is overwhelming.

Lalala. Next week I'm going to Bonnarooooo. Holla.

Gonna cut up magazines now. I wanna collage. I wanna collage. No need to work. I wanna create something...

When I'll walk myself down sycamore street, the sun beats down, no shoes on my feet. And I stumble on a daisy through concrete.

all the dreams you have you save

I went out to Lexington tonight to check on the house and all the house type things and I was sitting on the porch and I saw the coolest thing. It looked like silent fireworks going on in the trees in front of Matt's house.

There were sooo many fireflies. I love fireflies. I think they're mezmorizing. I hope that I live in a place where fireflies like to come and hang out. I hope I have a garden, too. I like watering the plants and the yard. I don't like the spiders and whatnot that live outside, but the flowers and greenery are lovely.

A house is so different than an apartment.

Well, I don't have much to say. Things are pretty much the same minus Matt Jones (which actually makes everything different since he's usually a daily part of my life and now I've acquired Lexington responsibilities in his place...) He's gone for a week at the beach with his family and bonus family. I'm working. The weather is a bit cooler, so that's nice. Yoga today was really good. A little painful, but overall enjoyable.

I think I'm going to HouseChurch tomorrow. I guess there's no better way to fill my free time than with God and fellowship, aye?

Ooo. I downloaded an electronic version of Canon in D. It's awesome. Listen to it on iTunes.

the taste of summer sweetness on my mind

A quote: "Oh, no thanks. I'm saving myself for the sea bass."

For a person with no friends, I sure did manage to have an excellent yesterday. I had coffee and an excellent muffin at HouseCoffee - love, right there. I went to the library twice. Drove out to Lexington and went to Books A Million (bought Eat. Pray. Love.), then I went over to the May House (a.k.a. Matt's highschool home) to pick up mail, water plants, check on Mookie the Cat, and look at about six or seven albums containing baby Matt pictures. Adorable. And amusing. Moms are cool that way. Then I went to Rainy Day Used Books and to Wired Bean. Met a guy named Clint there. He was cool. From Red Bank - I think that's supposed to be negative. Whatever. I went to the Art Museum - GO NOW!

I love the exhibit. Julie Heffernan - Everything that Rises. I was pretty sure I was going to be bored by Renaissance -esque painting, but the subjects are a haunting, stream of conciousness meets enchantment. I would totally own one.

I saw Nate Lowe while I was there and we finished up the galleries together. And then we went exploring over on Bull Street - did not know that the Mental Hospital was closed. It's like a little ghost town - and if I believed in ghosts, that's exactly where they would reside. It would have been uber creepy if it had been at night, but it was just really cool during the daytime.

I did lots of other random things, including (but not limited to) going to Jammin Java to help Carole and Stephen close because Carole took my shift for me - God Bless Her. But then so tired, so I went to bed right away.

This morning I got up to do run. Thought better of it and did half of some pilates and some yoga. Much better. Adriana's and Alison followed. Two excellent things for a Sunday. Then Corinne and Mellen came over to picnic in the living room. That was fun. Now, here I am in Lexington again.

I just found out that I seriously lack a green thumb. All Mrs. May's flowers and plants are being watered in addition to myself. I finally figured out the sprinkler and, well, I got soaked. Oops. I like Lexington though. Maybe it's just that I like being so far from the "real world" or at least my real world.

Mmm. Love summer. Miss people. Working on it.

It's a clear day, in this city. Let's go dance under the street lights.

i just smile once in awhile

Long is the day, take it away. Hold it up and don't let it fall.

Recently, I've been very impressed by comments made by people serving me, such as:
Is your cheese delicious?
This sauce, well, it's a little angry.
I don't want to brag, but that may be the best caramel macchiato you'll ever drink.

Also, recently, not too impressed with my own customer service skills. I'm real flakey when it comes to giving out canteloupe and coleslaw. For heaven's sake, no! We don't have any pasta salad. And who knows what happened to your cheese and onions? Certainly not me.

I'm just real tired of saying "What side would you like with that ma'am? Coleslaw, pickle or chips?" Hooray for being grill cook again next week. (Boy, who ever thought that would come out of my mouth??)

I just dropped off Alison at the airport. She's going to Philly. Not fair. Jones is leaving today for Mexico Beach with his family. Not fair. I'm in charge of four cats this weekend. Wowza.

Bonnaroo tickets are in the mail! Holla. I hope I get another paycheck by then...

I really like this Brandi Carlile song - Fall Apart Again. I recommend it. I'm still not sure how I wholly feel about her though. Three cheers for indecision.

Ok. Going to be productive or something or whatnot. And tgif to you (and you. and you. and you!)

As long as the day is full of time - there will always be room for your hand in mine.