for the times they are a-changin'

Some nights I just really love Bob Dylan.

I Nine has played at Jammin Java three times that I can remember. All three times something bad has happened to me. Hurt me once. Shame on you. Hurt me two more times, well, that just means I still haven't learned my lesson.

One day. Maybe. We'll see.

Life is still interesting and busy. I finished another book. Now I'm reading Captivating - trying to figure out my soul... Good luck, right?

Oh. I went to Red Lobster tonight. I just wanted to say that.

Ok. Love to all of you.

days like this i don't know what to do with myself...

Hi Saturday. Bye Saturday. I think I worked a good fifty hours this week. Body says more. Paycheck says nothing because I still haven’t gotten one. Darn the University and its payment policy. I mean, I’m going to have to pay rent soon.

Today, I worked with Clay at the Java. I clocked in until 4, then I laid around until 5 reading just to make sure he didn’t get busy. So, that means I’m going into hour six of solitude. And I really haven’t spent all that time “alone” either. There has been phone conversation and people coming in and out of my experiences.

I had planned on eating a Blue Cactus tonight, but I realized about half way down there that they were closed. I walked all the way anyway, then I walked around five points and back to my apartment where I walked up and down the hill trying to think of a place to eat. I had no ideas, so I decided to drive. I drove to Harbison taking stock of all the places I was passing. I got on Lake Murray Blvd and drove over the dam and into Lexington. I realized I was semi-lost. I wasn’t worried about it, but I refused to turn around. Lou was the one to call me back and got me to a place where I was no longer confused. I ate at Riviera’s. All by myself. I’ve never done that before. It was good too. I read and ate and talked to my waiter and the other wait staff because I was the only person inside – all the other customers were seated outside.

I drove around Lexington some more afterwards. It’s a nice town. I appreciate it and the fact that it’s not just an extension of Columbia. While I was doing this, I listened to a cd that David gave me last summer right after the breakup. I had mentally refused to listen to it at that time, but now I really like it. So I called him and told him that. We talked for a bit – I miss David. I’m glad he likes Charleston, but I still wish he was here. But that’s just me being selfish.

But now I’m doing laundry and I just ate some green tea ice cream from Sushi Yoshi which was/is good, I’m just not sure if it’s worth $5. I don’t suppose it really matters though. Hmmmm.

Jones is coming over soon. With coffee. Both of these things make me happy.

There’s no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard.

Hello. How are you doing today? I hope I find you feeling healthy.

“You haven’t gotten out recently, have you?” – Blue Cactus Lady

She’s right, I suppose. I work. A lot. I hang out with people though. A bunch of them. *huff*

In front of me is a list of things to do with Matt Jones (or at least facilitate for him) before he leaves. Sad because he’s leaving. Happy because it involves a whole lot of good food. It does not, however, involve a surprise going away party thrown by me. There is to be none of that… Makes sense, I suppose.

I'm eating a chocolate chip scone for breakfast. Is that heathy? Probably not. Yummy though.

So, there’s been one thing getting me through my days. It’s a bible verse that came in the form of a lovely card from Kt (p.s. I encourage mail at the new apartment). Anyway, it is this:

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy! (1 Peter 1:8)

And for now, that is all I have.

you don't know how lovely you are.

I think I'll go to Boston. I think that I'm just tired. I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.

For as slightly, mildly, or wholly elaborated as A Million Little Pieces is as a memoir/non-fiction novel, it is one of the most indentifiable and moving things I have ever read. Now I'm reading My Friend Leonard which was not the way the list of books read, but oh well.

I feel busy this week for some reason. I'll work until 3 everyday, then Wednesday night I'm going to serve a six course meal at McCutchen House. I'm excited. And kinda nervous. Oh yeah, I finally yelled at the coworker. Surprise. Friday, Saturday and Sundays are Jammin Java days, so I don't know where that really leaves me.

Lots of things have been happening around me and with me. I can't remember them all, but most of them are good. Some of them seem sad, but I think it's a process I'm going through. Cry now. Not later. Think now. Do later. Things are coming full circle. Things are falling apart. I wonder and put it all aside. Because that's all I can do.

Imagine that.

John Mayer is on the radio. The damn Daughters song. Grr. He wrote a blog the other day about sexual predators being caught by police sting operations. It pissed me off. And looking back at it, He didn't really say anything offensive. I think I just take it as such a personal experience now that it felt like a violation of privacy.

Well, I'm done here for now. Yoga. Dinner at Moe's because Corinne is home! Then hopefully some laundry in the new (say it with me) washer and dryer. Woop.

I don't give a damn. I'm as happy as a clam. (Nobody knows me at all.)

lyrics for thought

Just so you know, I love you in my life. I hope you stick around. That'd be nice. We can play a little game of finding souls, but I'll let you win on purpose - just so you know.

Courtesy of Pete Schmidt.

it's friday night and i just got paid

Except it's friday morning and I've not been paid and will not be paid today at all. Boo. Still, tgif to you all.

Yesterday, I spent the majority of my day making lemonade and slicing canteloupes. Sounds about as much fun as it really is. I seem to keep having nervous relations with one of my coworkers too. And by nervous relations, I'm nervous I'm going to scream at one inparticular. Holding back. Good.

Yeah, so, 270 people came into the Grille yesterday. Words cannot describe my weariness yesterday. I lacked all desire to be around large groups of people after that. I went to Pecknel and, after much explanation, I was finally allowed to pay for the cello. This was much more of a hassle than it needed to be and P.S. there are a lot of pissed off musicians in Columbia - they hang out at Pecknel on Thursday evenings.

I went to Starbucks and got my free drink which was both good and bad. Good because it was free and full of espresso. Bad because they didn't have caramel sauce for the caramel macchiato I wanted. Iced white chocolate mocha with skim - alright, but not up to my personal tastes.

Anyway, I read my book. A lot of my book. I'll finish it this weekend. And I listened to Pete Schmidt. So, those two things (reading and listening) spurred me into thinking about some very emotional things, then the band outside started playing (annoying), so I walked. I walked down Saluda to Henderson to go home, then I kept walking down Greene to Sumter to Jammin Java. Not sure why. I just did. I ate a cookie there and read some more. I walked back and it started to rain, but it felt real nice.

If it were raining now, I wouldn't have to go to work. Darnit. Oh yeah, I want to go on record as saying I freakin' hate wearing a hat to work. It's not even required by law. It's for the "benefit of the customer." Stupid.

Then Mellen came over last night and so did Jones for a bit. I learned to open a bottle of wine, that Queen Latifah is indeed well endowed and that "pink, it's the color of passion 'cause today it just goes with the fashion." Mmmm. Good times.

Well, that brings us to now. Now when the coffee is brewing and I'm typing. Now when I need to get ready for work. Now when I semi-dread the day before me, but know it will be fine. Excellent. I'm going to get some grog - later yo.

so they say that life's a play and that all the world's a stage

This picture is my desktop. Welcome to my world.

I miss the tanning bed. I miss exercising. I miss eating three normal meals every day. I miss being and looking healthy. I should fix that.

I'm tired all the time. It's rather obnoxious.

I fell asleep while reading my book this afternoon. I woke up to Coldplay on my computer. And Alison walking through the new apartment. I love all of those things: sleeping, reading, Coldplay, Alison, the apartment.

But in voices loud and clear, you say to me, "It's only superstition. It's only your imagination. It's only all of the thing that you fear and the things from which you can't escape."

I just got a ZeroChance newsletter in my inbox. Weird. I never ever talk to Erick anymore. Which is sad because he's a great guy - amusing and skilled. I was always afraid that breaking up with Brian would mean breaking up with other people in my life. I don't suppose it really matters because I have still have amazing people in my life who I love. Really love too. Not middle school, BFFE love. I guess I should just say all is well that ends well. I just hate not being in touch with people.

I digress.

I hate hate hate coupon week. I think that food running wouldn't be so bad if there weren't 180 people coming in with so many hydration demands. We're making bank and handling it well, but it's starting to work my nerves. Oh well. It'll be over in two days. Two very long, very busy days. Oh oh oh. My my my. Catch me on Saturday. I'll be happier and not working then!

I had a little heart to heart with Harry - things are looking up up up.

Tom Petty on the brain. Everyday. I'm gonna free fall out into nothing. Gonna leave this world for awhile. I can't wait to see him at Bonnaroo. Seriously cannot wait. Let's go. Now...

I joined Mocha Club tonight at the Dave Barnes Show. I think that was a good thing. It was kinda convicting. Alison joined too. We can start a team. You should join it.

I've been listening to lots of random music. Thanks to Tupac Tony and Clint/Laura's Wedding cd. I really like music. And people. And books. Ooo and soy lattes with a splash of almond. I like lots of things. I forget this sometimes. Ok, book and bed. Get excited.

i'll trade the moon for the sun, but this feeling for no one.

When I see you the World stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There's nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The World just stops, and it is a beautiful place.

I think that's the single most meaningful and uplifting passage to come out of A Million Little Pieces so far. Yes, I'm still reading the same book. I'm slow. And busy. If that's a problem, please bite me.

Oy with the cynicism tonight.
Sometimes I just feel inadequate.

But it has nothing to do with my reading habits.

My fortune cookie tonight said "The coming month shall bring you much happiness." It's too bad I've already cancelled the month of June.

I'm tired. And a bit frustrated. But it's ok. Happiness is not a fish that you can catch.

This blog title is from a JLC song. I think they might be my favorite lyrics. Maybe ever.

It's coupon week at the McCutchen House. And by that I mean if you show up you automatically get $1 off. So, if you have $4 then you should stop by and see me even though I'll be running around like a crazy person.

The picture you see is a painting that Kt did for me. It was inspired by the Ryan Adams song. You should listen to it if you haven't.

Birds flying high - You know how I feel.

the play on time is won...

I wanted to stay.

I've moved to Henderson Street! How excellent? Now when people say they'll be over in just a few seconds, well, they really mean just a few seconds. I think that's superb.

Thank you to everyone who helped us move. You have all been more than wonderful. I'm so blessed to have you all in my life. Really.

And I'm going to Charleston on Sunday. Not really for Mother's Day, but I assume I will see her. And Kt! (She's painting something for the new apt and some end tables for me.) I love Charleston.

I wanted to play.

Matt Callis is here! That makes me very happy because we never got to see him in Indiana. It's been almost a year. Oy.

Listening to strings. Reading a book. Drinking Starbucks. In my new room with three green walls and one tan one. I'm going to take a shower in the tiny crooked bathroom. I love it.

I have this limited, sometimes connection to Lou's internet. I think it's about to go away. I just wanted to share that moving news with you.

I wanted to love you.

it has been quite a day.

alison graduated this morning. along with five million other people i know. congrats class of 2006. she's in charleston now.

sushi and blizzards with david. yum.

work with claynotaiken from 5 to midnight. bring nubar 3 hudson's homemade wet napkins.

then jones helped me start moving into the new apartment. and by help, i mean he did basically all the heavy lifting and i opened doors and drove to and from.

and now i'm eating the gelato he brought for me. mmm. i just don't know what life will be like when he leaves. thats a whole other blog.

i just found a packet of duck sauce under my desk...

time is never time at all

After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away.

'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight.
And somehow stop this endless fight.
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days.

This morning I was inspired.
The rest of the day was a jumble.
The Family Stone - 2 thumbs down.

I feel like tonight is the end of something
and tomorrow is just the beginning.
I just can't figure out what it is...

Something is scratching its way out.
Something you want to forget about.
No one expects you to get up
All on your own with no one around.

Ok. That's all I've got.

it was one of those nights that will ring in your ear

Tonight, I had one of those really good nights. After a productive day at work, I came home, put in some new contacts and showered which was amazing because I could see clearly and I got rid of the Jammin Java smell. I put on clothes that weren't jeans and a tshirt. My hair straightened nicely and my makeup went on evenly. I felt really nice because for the past couple of days I've looked gross and just felt bad about it. I know it sounds superficial, and it kind of is, but sometimes it's just nice to feel pretty.

Then Jones and I went to Motor Supply Company for dinner. I was told to order whatever I wanted no matter what because it would probably never be put on the menu again. So I did. Blackened King Clip with some sort of Beurre sauce over Creamy Jasmine Rice and snow peas. Amazingly good. After each bite of something new on our plates, Jones and I had to stop and savor it for a moment. That was just my main dish. The appetizer was superb as well - think artichoke hearts, goat cheese and portabella mushroom cap. Dessert was good, but nothing to write home about. We did go to Nonnah's though afterwards for coffee. I had a very excellent cappuccino that I took a ridiculously long time to drink and Jones even had extra foam put on it for me. Such a great experience.

Then we watched Gilmore Girls which wasn't as pleasant as one would hope, but it was explained to me that it was a TV show which meant it had no bearing on my reality or my judgement skills. Fair enough.

Corinne showed me pictures from Ithaca. Some of them included a rubber ducky race. Yes, that’s when they send 3400 rubber duckies down a creek type thing and its every ducky for him/herself. Only 10 lucky ducks get to claim fame from it.

I'm sitting next to a broken cello now. Just having a cello in my room makes me feel like a better person. It's weird how that happens. I used to think I was a better person for having a guitar. Eventually, I realized that having a guitar didn't mean crap if I couldn't play it, so I gave it to someone else who would use it. I'll probably never learn to play guitar.

(I don't understand about the weather outside, the harmony in a tune, or why somebody lied.)

There are more important things for me to learn… Like yoga. I really loved my yoga class even though I’m a little sore from it. It was incredibly relaxing and it’s amazing the things you learn about your body when people force you to draw your attention to it.

Oh I know, oh I know that you're beautiful. Oh I know, there's something more that I can't see. And I have tried, I have tried to find the words for you, but none will come to me.

And I've thought of it from 100 different directions.

i really think that everyone should have watercolors, magnetic poetry and a harmonica.

sooooo. i got a new job. at the mccutchen house. working at the garden grille (as you can see on your right). i will make food, clean, food run, serve, take orders, learn payroll and marketing skills. [Our Garden Grille opens the first week of May and operates until mid-August. The Garden Grille serves burgers, chicken, mushrooms, hotdogs, and other delicious foods and refreshing drinks. Lunch is served Tuesday through Friday from 11:30 a.m. to 2 p.m.] all in all i hope this will be a fun, eventful, and perhaps even educational experience for me. i like the people in the hrtm department and at the mccutchen house. today, the paperwork lady gave me a sugar daddy. i think i'm going to like this job.

i'm a little screwed up with my schedule at jj. i don't know when i'm supposed to be working really. so, i guess we'll work that out as it comes along...

um. i went to the doctor this morning. i wasn't really diagnosed with anything. i think she really just said that my cold and allergies have spread to my eyes. so either viral, bacterial, or allergic conjuctivitis. i've never had conjuctivitis before and i hope i never have it again. she told me to take claritin until the day i die or until allergy season is over and i received two prescriptions - one for eye drops and one for some sort of pill for congestion.

i am over medicated. and contagious. so don't touch my eyeballs. but i'll be fine tomorrow. oh, and i have to wear my glasses. if you see me and laugh, i'll kick you in your shins.

p.s. stephen justice is a great guy. i hope he always is and that no one ever forgets.

alright, well, i think i'm going to take a nap or read before yoga tonight. thanks for tuning in. and speaking of tuning in - you need to check this out.

"We have all had new beginings and life changes this year, and here we all are together again. I know you will only laugh at this, but I will never understand the love you all shower on me, but I never doubt that love either." -- The Perks of Being a Wallflower