amazing still it seems, i'll be twenty-three

"You know what the worst part of it was? When you weren't there, part of me wasn't suprised."

Oy with the communication already! Is anyone really good at it? At telling people the truth or how they feel? Why do people fake it or lie? Why do people keep to themselves what other people would understand or care to know? I would've cared. I do care. I wish I didn't, but I do.

I won't always love what I'll never have. I won't always live in my regrets.

morning can be a time of mourning

I'm waiting for the day when I wake up and it's not the first thing on my mind. I think that will be lovely because crying is no good way to start your day. But I do feel more stable. I am still unhappy and confused and want answers, but I don't cry all day - I only randomly burst into tears. And that's when I call on my friends because I know they, not just will, but want to help me through this. I am so very very blessed in a situation where I feel so lost.

"I wonder at what Paul said back in Portland, how God is good, how it doesn't do any good to run from Him because what He has is good and who He is, is good. Even if I want to run, it isn't really what I want - what I want is Him, even if I don't believe it. If He made all this existence, you would think He would know what He is doing, and you think He could be trusted. Everything I want is just Him, to get lost in Him, to feel His love and more and more of this dazzling that He does. I wonder at His beautiful system and how it feels better than anything I could choose or invent for myself." - Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts

and maybe ours is the cause of all mankind

Everyone turn to p. 149 in your copy of Eat. Pray. Love.

"Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching, I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that's just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That's just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that... you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It's your destiny...

He probably was [your soul mate]. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it.

Your problem is, you just can't let this one go... So love him... So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him and then drop it... If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed."

And when I opened this book again, out fell my Delta itinerary and a receipt for an iced grande caramel macchiato in the San Antonio Int'l Airport. Ouch. $3.99. Can heartbreak be written off with the IRS? With anyone? For anything?

I really need to learn how to throw stuff away.

Maybe that's what I'll do now that I'm twenty-three. Let go. Let God. Throw away trash.

I read with every broken heart we should become more adventurous.

and he woke me up again to say...

I think that when you're too comfortable (even in complete discomfort) that God likes to mix things up - keep you on your toes.

I was laying down and reading Through Painted Deserts when Matt came into my house and broke up with me last week. (wow, seven days, it feels like yesterday and like an eternity at the same time and not much has changed, but everything has changed...) Anyway, it has been hard for me to do anything much less finish a life lesson book about Oregon. Damn Portland, Eugene and Corvallis - all mentioned by name in this book - all places we thought about moving.

But I picked it back up last night between shifts and read this:

"I have just been thinking how what we really want is for people to love us. God, girls [guys], friends, parents. It seems like life is all about stuff, you know? - I just feel like God put us here to enjoy Him and He gave us free will, so it's tough sometimes because people use their free will selfishly but I think He also created us to enjoy Him, that He is love, you know..." (says Paul to Donald Miller)

And maybe that was my problem. Maybe I was too wrapped up in Matt and his happiness and his love for me that I wasn't enjoying God. I wasn't enjoying what He gave me. I was just waiting for the next step. I am here right now for a reason and God wants to manifest himself through me everyday. He was doing that and I wasn't paying attention or appreciating it - I was looking to two years from now. So He pulled me back. He brought me back to now.

And damn it hurts. And I cry everyday. And everything reminds me of Matt. And I'm sad. And I'm mad. And I ache for him. And I ache for me. But God calls me out of it to His purpose.

I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I promise.

And I know, I know you are changed now. I hope, I hope you're arranged out. But I'm still asleep and you woke me up again. And I'm still asleep, but you woke me up to be holy.

so much for my happy ending

You know in The Way We Were when Katie has Hubbell come over because she can't sleep and she wants him to come over because he's her best friend? And he does. He comes. And they talk. And they argue. And she says, "If I push too hard it's because I want things to be better, I want us to be better, I want you to be better. Sure I make waves you have I mean you have to. And I'll keep making them till your everything you should be and will be. You'll never find anyone as good for you as I am, to believe in you as much as I do or to love you as much."

And he says, "I know that."

That's the part that makes me cry.

We were meant to be. Supposed to be. But we lost it.

pride & competition cannot fill these empty arms

The more I know, the less I understand. And all the things I thought I figured out I have to learn again.

I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak and my heart is so shattered. But I think it's about forgiveness. Forgiveness. Even if, even if you don't love me anymore.

you are the friend that answers my call

Good morning... mornings are the worst.

I took an ambien last night so I could sleep without dream, but the first thing I thought of when I woke up was him. and the hurt. and the confusion. And that I would be late for my walk. I hate this so much.

"When prayer seems to be unanswered, beware of trying to place blame on someone else. That is always a trap of Satan. When you seem to have no answer, there is always a reason - God uses these times to give you deep personal instruction, and it is not for anyone else, but you."

I can't wait to be ok again. To know what I'm doing. To be myself again. To genuinely smile again at all my customers instead of having them trying to make me smile.

The girls at the bank gave me flowers and a card wishing me a hopeful heart and brighter days ahead. And I cried. But through all this, it's good to know that I have friends and family who care about me. That I have not just served coffee, but impacted people's lives - people who now think of me as friend and confidante and not just the barista. I'm glad that I could do that.

You are the love I need. You are the air I breathe. You are my love, my life. Always forever.

i'm falling apart. i'm barely breathing.

I had bad dreams last night and I woke up crying in the middle of the night... three times. (This is how people become addicted to sleeping pills.) So, when I woke up this morning I decided to read from "My Utmost for His Highest" which is a daily devotional that Jax let me borrow a bit ago.

abridged from August 5:

" '... and all things that are written by the prophets concerning the Son of Man will be accomplished.' ... But they understood none of these things..." Luke 18:31,34

God called Jesus Christ to what seemed absolute disaster... from every standpoint except God's. But what seemed to be failure from man's standpoint was a triumph from God's standpoint because God's purpose is never the same as man's purpose.

What God calls us to cannot be definitely stated because His call is simply to be His friend to accomplish His own purposes. Our real test is in truly believing that God knows what He desires. The things that happen do not happen by chance - they happen entirely by the decree of God. God is sovereignly working out His own purposes.

The problem is that sometimes God's purpose puts a pain in our hearts and clouds our minds. He doesn't do that to us - we do it to ourselves by allowing he Creator of Lies and the Author of Confusion to speak into our lives. To tell us we did something wrong. Or we're not worth it. Or we'll never find something better. And it's so hard to ignore. It's what wakes us up crying in the middle of the night.

So, Lord, I pray that you protect my heart and my mind from the lies of the world. Fill me with nothing but Your Spirit and constant understanding.

Someone the other day told me they were mad at God for this - for letting bad things happen to good people. And I thought about it and decided what other choice did I have than to believe that this was part of God's plan? That this was a decision he made? Because if I don't have faith, then I have nothing except doubt and pain. And no one wants that.

I might have lost my way, haven't forgotten my way home.

rescue is coming

I’d love to start again, go back to innocent and never leave.

Evidently I blog quite a bit when I'm upset.

Today I was wondering how you fall in love forever? How do you find that one person among many? How do you trust someone else with your heart when another person has been careless with it? How do you find someone else to complete your thoughts or understand your obscure references? How do you know if it's real when you already thought something else was?

I almost walked up to a happy looking young couple in Costco and said "Don't get too attached. It probably won't last."

And I wondered how will I enjoy the things I used to enjoy? Eat the food I used to eat? Listen to the music I used to listen to? How do you go on about things when they used to be so interwined with someone else? Am I supposed to share those things with anyone ever again? Or will they be lost forever? Or will I be too scared to lose them to someone else?

I mean, really, how do you keep going on when all you want to do is rewind?

This is what I found in Proverbs:

21 My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; 22 they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. 23 Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble; 24 when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. 25 Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, 26 for the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared.

And I want to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who has shared words of encouragement or support with me. Thank you to everyone who didn't say a word, but listened when I needed to speak. Thank you to those of you who just sat when there was nothing to be said at all. The response has been overwhelming.

9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. (Ecclesiastes 4)

I'm not okay yet. I'm not going to be okay today. Probably not for awhile. But, please, don't give up on me. I promise I'll come around again. I cried a little less today and even ate some food. Good signs, right?

And [there's] nothing left to do, but believe something bigger. And there’s nothing wrong with love. I know it’s just enough to believe.

Don’t give up now. A break in the clouds. We will be found.

you'd think I'd never seen grace before

And I just can't decide to sink or swim.

I'm putting off the inevitable... I'm still in my pajamas.
I need to get up. I need to take a shower. I need to get dressed.
I need to go to work and back to real life.

Because maybe there’s no gray and I was wrong to tell them so. Then maybe all that I’ve to do was done a long time ago.

For the past couple of days I've been in a bubble surrounded by my close friends, my bed and a little lion who is oddly full of comfort. But now I have to do it by myself. I have to go back to my normal life even though a huge piece of my normal life is missing. And it hurts. My whole body aches and my heart clenches in my chest and I can't breathe. And my head spins and spins with questions. Maybe I did what I was supposed to do - played my role. And even though it hurts me - it was the Plan. I don't know. I may never know. I just want to know what to do now because I'm lost and everything I thought was wrong.

Cause I’ve been dressing up and dressing down for too many people. And I’m a little young to live like a troubled boy, a troubled soul, fish out of water. Cause we’re all just the same. We’re all just as good, and just as bad, and just as distracted by the corners of our eyes.

I need help. I need strength. I need You. Jesus. Come to my rescue. Help me walk. Help me face the day.

i need you, jesus, to come to my rescue

when you feel like the days just drone on and on and on. and you feel like the night is so quickly gone. and on the inside you feel like your heart's just gaping wide. and on the inside, you feel like no one's on your side... I am. I am. I am. I am.

when you thought you could rest, but you found out you were wrong and there's another need, another battle, another one more thing that comes along. and on the inside you hear the fall but you hate the falling sound. and on the inside you can't pick another broken piece up off the ground. well, I know.

hush little baby, don't say a word. Daddy's gone and bought you a great big heaven to rest in. He's bought it with blood and put the seal in your heart. it'll give you the hope you need to get up and start again.

when all the things you thought you left behind are still hanging on. and everything you try to do right ends up all wrong. and on the inside everyone else seems basically fine, but on the inside even they won't let go of the dead and cling to what's alive. well, I am.

like a rolling stone. no direction home.

It rains here often. It's sort of annoying when you're running errands. Oh well.

I'm trying to be more understanding about my situation and everyone else's situations. It's not easy because I'm (almost) twenty-three years old and everything is about me right now.

Claire: I would like to know what is at the center of your world.

Robbie: Center of my world? Wow, you're no monkeyin' around.

Claire: Why? It's very simple, this question.

Robbie: Hm, well, I'm 22. I guess I would say me.

Claire: I suppose you are honest.

Robbie: Don't you think that you're the center or that you should be the center? Thinking with your own head, talking with your own mouth?

Claire: Yes, but there are things in the world, too, that are important.

(This is from the movie I'm Not There. Robbie is supposed to be Bob Dylan.)

I don't really have a point to this blog. I just want people to know that I'm trying. Or maybe to remind myself that I'm supposed to be trying. I'm not sure. Being intentional is much harder than one would think.

Just remind me if I'm being unreasonable, disbelieving, unforgiving or just complacent. Sometimes I need a good swift kick. I promise I won't hold it against you.

My love to you all.

i will go in this way and find my own way out

Do you do things incidentally? or intentionally? What's the difference? And does it matter? Does it matter if you present the moment or if you wait for the moment to be presented? Probably.

in·ci·den·tal –adjective

1.	happening or likely to happen in an unplanned or subordinate conjunction with something else.

2.	incurred casually and in addition to the regular or main amount

in·ten·tion·al –adjective

1.	done with intention (an act or instance of determining mentally upon some action or result) or on purpose; intended

2.	of or pertaining to intention or purpose.

"We all want to help people... but for most of us we just don't know how to shift the gear from incidental to intentional." - Paul Rienzo


"You know, sometimes living the in the suspense of what's going to happen is what's required when you live an intentional life." - Paul Rienzo

"... and it's just like I'm standing on this cliff, looking out into this huge, foggy... like, a huge, foggy abyss, and, in my whole life, there's never been an abyss. It's been abyssless. I've always known exactly what is in front of me, and I've always known exactly where I'm going, and now...I don't know what's out there... and I hate not knowing what is out there. I mean, what's going to happen to my career and my relationship... and the rest of my life?" - Episode 7.07

He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation." Mark 16:15

how can you say your life is empty?

This has been quite the busy week.

David and I were discussing the past, present and future the other day and he asked me if I was happy. I didn't know what to say, so I told him I wasn't unhappy... But I'm not sure that it's the same thing or if I even answered his question.

Hmm. Well, I'm late for work.

Pain comes in stages. If we don't make it, nothing changes.

but don't think twice, it's all right

I started this blog several days ago (Friday). And now I will finish it even though I'm in a completely different mood. Which is also why I changed my dots. I love the dots, so I didn't want to get rid of them and my only other option was "dark dots" so that's what I went with.

If you read the back of a goldfish (the crackers) package at the ingredients, the first thing it says is "made with smiles". I think that's funny. Charming, even. But probably a lie.

Firefly vodka has new Sweet Tea flavored vodka. I love it. If you would like to purchase my poor self a bottle, I would appreciate it. Kt's apartment went through a huge bottle in two days. We also finished off two thirds of a handle of tequila. And had soy white russians and mimosas for breakfast. And cupcakes at midnight. It's a lush life.

She also has a naked neighbor. No lie.

So, I've mentioned before that I don't take most of the pictures on my blog and that I particularly like keeping up with this girl Leslie who is doing a 365 picture blog. Well, she has this video up now that she needs to be hit with a lot of views, so if you could do that for her, well, I think she would really appreciate it. It's about green tea.

This is a picture from London by someone who I don't know. And it's of a Pearly King. It's interesting to read about them if you have some time on your hands.

an excerpt from Through Painted Deserts:

"I think to myself about the weight in my pack. Last night, Paul and I talked a bit about the stuff that we carry with us, all the weight we walk around with, emotional baggage, thinking we need stuff we don't need. We weren't getting very deep or anything, but I keep thinking about it, and how much stuff I walk around with, about how life is a dance and God just meant for us to enjoy life, not get bogged down in sin and religion. Just be good, it seems like, is the point of life; be kind to people; don't hate anybody; forgive people because we all make mistakes. I know there are always going to be exceptions to this kind of thinking, but it seems like life would be better if we could just let go of the thought we need more and more stuff to be happy, more and more the approval of others."

Kt bought me a new Starbucks smoothie the other night. It was Orange Mango Banana. I liked it, but I feel like it defeats the purpose of going to Starbucks since they are a coffeehouse. But whatever. Next time I think I'll add matcha to it.

Speaking of smoothies, I've been drinking a green one everyday to boost my health. I'm talking I add spinach and cucumbers and kiwis and other fruit in a blender and then drink it. Surprisingly good. Except for celery. I don't like it in smoothies.

I hate hiring people. Anyone in Charleston want a very part time job?

So today (Monday) was pretty sucky. I didn't sleep well last night. The store didn't look good this morning when I came in - there was a lot for me to do. Then it started to hail and look all hurricane-esque outside. And blah blah blah. Oh well, right?

And we're out of stamps! How am I supposed to send cards to people without stamps?? Oy.

It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe. It don't matter anyhow.

the answer is blowin' in the wind

Last night I watched Factory Girl - it was about Edie Sedgewick "an ambitious starlet who becomes the muse of Andy Warhol. Heading for New York City's bright lights after dropping out of college in 1965, Edie meets pop-culture icon Andy, who turns her into the toast of the town. But she soon discovers that glamour and fame have a price." I loved it.

And now, after it, I hate Andy Warhol - who I hardly knew anything about outside of the pop art section of my art history book.

And I am now obsessed with Bob Dylan (who Edie was involved with at some point in her very short life... She died when she was 28.)


So, I've been listening to a lot of Bob Dylan. And I ordered Chronicles Volume 1. And I can't get enough of The Drawn Blank Series.

How many times must a man look up before he can see the sky? Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have before he can hear people cry? Yes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows that too many people have died? The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind.

I have more to say about other things, but I'll save it for another post.

i'll hang on, grab onto your feet

Not now, but soon, the most beautiful light will wake us to pillow fighting excitement.


Oh, is it nothing's anymore? Terrifying. Best, days of our lives. We're hanging on the best days of our lives. Today's about the best days of our lives. Oh, they're coming right up. If we can just get through this one.

that's just the way it looks from where i'm standing

I guess I'm growing up.

Decisions are made.
Cities are chosen.
U Hauls are rented.
Education continues.
Businesses are owned.
Cars are bought.
Cars are broken.
IRAs are opened.
Pasts burn down.
People get engaged.
People get married.
People have babies.
Schedules fill quickly.
Phone calls get missed.
Trips are fewer.

God is definitely telling me something.

I guess I'm growing up.

Let it fall. Let it come down. Let it crash around you.

however small the first step is hardest of all

Where the Hell is Matt?

This video makes me so happy. And when I watch it I feel like there is hope for all of us. (If you go to the website or the youtube page, then you can watch it in high quality...)

Stream of Life
by Rabindranath Tagore

The same stream of life that runs through my veins night and day
runs through the world and dances in rhythmic measures.

It is the same life that shoots in joy through the dust of the earth
in numberless blades of grass
and breaks into tumultuous waves of leaves and flowers.

It is the same life that is rocked in the ocean-cradle of birth
and of death, in ebb and in flow.

I feel my limbs are made glorious by the touch of this world of life.
And my pride is from the life-throb of ages dancing in my blood this moment.

"... wondering out-loud if there is more to life than nine-to-five jobs, than the ruts the entire world seems to be stuck in."

if you give you begin to live. you get the world. you get the world. if you give you begin to live. you might die trying.

I took a fall and found out I could bleed

These days I'm afraid of everything. Suppose cause everything will die. Thought it was to love what they will lose. So much easier to lie.

I lied. I was having a good day. A great day, even. And then I remembered that I was (subconsciously, evidently) upset. And then I was (surprisingly) bitchy. And then I started to cry. (What! Why was I crying? I didn't even know I needed to cry! Seriously?? Being a girl is ridiculous. Guh.)

Being out of control is like a constant back pedaling cycle. I'm doing good, then I get upset and then I have to start all over again. Hi. My name is Erin. And I wish everything was the way I wanted it.

That's just silly.

I'm reading Through Painted Deserts.

"I tend to think life is about security, that when you have a full year's rent, you can rest. I worry about things too much, I worry about whether or not my ideas are right, I worry about whether or not people like me, I worry about whether or not I am going to get married, and then I worry about whether or not my girl will leave me if I do get married. Lately, I found myself worrying about whether or not my car was fashionable, whether I sounded like an idiot when I spoke in public, whether or not my hair was going to fall out, and all of it, perhaps I bought into Houston, one thousand square miles of concrete and strip malls and megachurches and cineplexes, not of it real." - Donald Miller

At least I'm not the only one.

I'm just supposed to be better than this. I'm supposed to be calm and secure and happy. I'm not supposed to freak out or cry or worry.

At least I have a life worth worrying and crying over. Yeah?

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Actually it's more like most of the time. But every now and then when I'm sleeping, I still have a dream that I'm flying.