i love my new job. love. really. i'm sure you've heard me say that before.

but today was hard.

it didn't start off difficult, but by the end of the day, i was on the verge of tears. and now i'm nursing my day with a mango vodka & orange juice with our lady peace (spiritual machines) playing in the background - if that tells you anything.

so, i was brought in as a specialist at my job with the idea of moving onto expert relatively quickly. well, relatively quickly has been three weeks since i began my core training. it's certainly not that i lack the customer service skills to take that position, but there are two other things that i do lack... 1. product knowledge and 2. the respect of my peers.

these are real concerns.

they are also intense pressures that i put onto myself.

basically, 1. i want to already have all the knowledge i need and 2. i want everyone to think i'm in the position i'm in because i earned it and deserve it and not just because i used to work with one of our managers at my last job. (this second pressure i can't confirm, i just feel the vibe sometimes, but i could be crazy. you never know.) anyway, i'm not sure how to reconcile all of this in the here and now. actually, i know that i can't which is even more frustrating.

after my tech exam today, my head almost exploded from information and the realization that i HAVE SO MUCH LEFT TO LEARN. then i almost burst into tears when someone asked me why i even had to take a test. i wanted to say "so they could figure out how much of an idiot i am." then, i almost bought an iMac just so i could practice this nonsense at home. and you could definitely tell that i was having a hard day because three people had a conversation, feedback, lesson or hug to share with me about it.

so, long story short. i'm not doing the interview panel (unless requested by the market leader) and i'm not ready to move on and i feel like i'm letting myself (and other people) down by not being ready. i know it's crazy to think that i would be doing cartwheels in the store after only three weeks, but that's the sort of person i am. that's how i was raised. i called my mom to tell her and she was upset. i could hear it. and then i almost started to cry again.

being a girl is so embarrassing sometimes.

plus, hello, my job wasn't hard today. i made it that way. oy.

and, um, no one is upset with me except for me. not even my boss.

(girls are crazy. sorry you have to put up with us, fellas...)

i guess the good thing is i know my strengths. i also know my limitations. and i know that i just have to be patient with myself and keep asking questions.

i also bribed the team by saying i would bake cupcakes once i went one whole day without having to ask any questions. gluten free. vegan. full fat. cream cheese frosting all over the place.

but, to get over this, i kicked my own ass at the gym tonight and now i'm going to hide from the world until the morning. good plan, yes?

lucky for me, tomorrow is a new day and a new opportunity to learn. hmph.