Walking Far From Home - Iron and Wine

today ...

the weather was BEAUTIFUL.
bob day made alison & i DELICIOUS peppy vanilla bean frappy drinks.
munched on YUMMY sour starburst jelly beans.
listed to the ADDICTIVE first song on the new iron & wine album.
was my very FIRST quarterly meeting.
ROCKED the little miss sunshine dance scene with other new employees.
awarded my first peer award for being a breath of FRESH vanilla roasted air.
was good.

sometimes i'm really nervous to do or say the wrong thing with new people, but everybody is doing their best to make me feel welcome and comfortable. that doesn't mean there is no awkwardness. that doesn't mean there is no snarkiness. that does mean that we're all in this together. and that makes me glad. it also makes me a little more patient with myself. and that's REALLY good.

i've decided to leave today with some good things from work...

1. a co-worker told me i was a ray of sunshine.
2. we made a girl so happy that she looked like she might explode.
3. i triaged three products on the sales floor.
4. my picture was on the daily message - it says i change lives daily.
5. i learned a lot that i didn't know before that i do know now.

these are all positive.

also, i got a pretty little spring card in the mail.

i love my new job. love. really. i'm sure you've heard me say that before.

but today was hard.

it didn't start off difficult, but by the end of the day, i was on the verge of tears. and now i'm nursing my day with a mango vodka & orange juice with our lady peace (spiritual machines) playing in the background - if that tells you anything.

so, i was brought in as a specialist at my job with the idea of moving onto expert relatively quickly. well, relatively quickly has been three weeks since i began my core training. it's certainly not that i lack the customer service skills to take that position, but there are two other things that i do lack... 1. product knowledge and 2. the respect of my peers.

these are real concerns.

they are also intense pressures that i put onto myself.

basically, 1. i want to already have all the knowledge i need and 2. i want everyone to think i'm in the position i'm in because i earned it and deserve it and not just because i used to work with one of our managers at my last job. (this second pressure i can't confirm, i just feel the vibe sometimes, but i could be crazy. you never know.) anyway, i'm not sure how to reconcile all of this in the here and now. actually, i know that i can't which is even more frustrating.

after my tech exam today, my head almost exploded from information and the realization that i HAVE SO MUCH LEFT TO LEARN. then i almost burst into tears when someone asked me why i even had to take a test. i wanted to say "so they could figure out how much of an idiot i am." then, i almost bought an iMac just so i could practice this nonsense at home. and you could definitely tell that i was having a hard day because three people had a conversation, feedback, lesson or hug to share with me about it.

so, long story short. i'm not doing the interview panel (unless requested by the market leader) and i'm not ready to move on and i feel like i'm letting myself (and other people) down by not being ready. i know it's crazy to think that i would be doing cartwheels in the store after only three weeks, but that's the sort of person i am. that's how i was raised. i called my mom to tell her and she was upset. i could hear it. and then i almost started to cry again.

being a girl is so embarrassing sometimes.

plus, hello, my job wasn't hard today. i made it that way. oy.

and, um, no one is upset with me except for me. not even my boss.

(girls are crazy. sorry you have to put up with us, fellas...)

i guess the good thing is i know my strengths. i also know my limitations. and i know that i just have to be patient with myself and keep asking questions.

i also bribed the team by saying i would bake cupcakes once i went one whole day without having to ask any questions. gluten free. vegan. full fat. cream cheese frosting all over the place.

but, to get over this, i kicked my own ass at the gym tonight and now i'm going to hide from the world until the morning. good plan, yes?

lucky for me, tomorrow is a new day and a new opportunity to learn. hmph.

good morning to my 42 subscribers!

i realize in the grand scheme of life that 42 is very little. i mean, there are over 6 billion people in the world. however, 42 seems like a ridiculously large number and i'm very glad to have all of you reading. i just thought i would let you know.

anyway, today is day off number two. i plan on studying today for an interview that i may or may not have pending a technical exam that i may or may not pass. meh. it's for work. i'm actually nervous. not about the interview panel, but the tech exam. my customer service skills are above and beyond, but i'm still learning about how to use all these machines. oy.

i did apply for information regarding UPenn's Masters of Applied Positive Psychology program yesterday. i listened to there virtual session and it was quite informative. fall 2012, perhaps? note: i will not have to move to pennsylvania. i just have to go once a month for three days.

oh! i baked those cookies yesterday! they are good. the ginger was a little much for me at first, but i don't really like ginger. if you like ginger, then you're definitely good to go. they're like brownies mixed with no-bake cookies. and they're pretty healthy!

also, i'm really embarrassed to admit this, but they were playing a song at the gym that i just couldn't get out of my head, so i looked it up when i got home... yeah. it's sean kingston w. justin bieber. it's called eenie meenie. *hangs head* don't judge me.

did you know that if you spill red wine on your white walls that it leaves a bluish tint? eff.

well, it's beautiful outside - again! so i'm gonna try to get some sun in - vitamin d! be lovely. xo.

i plan on making these today. funky black magic cookies via never(home maker)

this past week, a friend's brother died (suddenly & unexpectedly) and another friend was in a car accident where he broke his ribs, collarbone, and punctured his liver.

what a huge reality check.

at the age of twenty-five, i have had the privilege of working as both a manager for a large retail company and an owner of my own small business. i now have the unique experience of working as a sales associate for a multinational computer corporation.

i've been around the job experience block (already) which gives me a different perspective on the way stores are run. the definition of work. the definition of management. the definition of development. the definition of promotion. so on & so forth.

today, i realized that my unique experiences & different perspective are, in fact, just that - unique & different. often, people forget the job qualifications & expectations of others. and it's incredibly easy to criticize what we don't comprehend or what we've never done ourselves.

perspective is often so far from the realm of reality.

so, what do you do? my advice is... walk a mile in their shoes... teach a man to fish... do it with an open mind... play devil's advocate... assume positive intent... think before you speak... grasp the situation before you handle it.

of course, this is all easier said than done, but it's still something we should practice. daily. with family. with friends. with coworkers. with strangers. it might make the world more pleasant. and, if nothing else, i promise you'll learn something.

i adore this weather. really.
i'm so excited for spring/summer.
i can't wait. but i have to... wah.

in the meantime, i've decided to make a list of all the things that warm weather brings...

sunshine & happiness. duh. (seasonal affective disorder, anyone?)
the beach. (i rarely go but i like having the option open)
restaurants with patios.
eating & drinking on those patios.
sundresses.
sunglasses. (they're just cooler in the summer)
italian ice carts.
fro-yo. (it will taste even better than it already does.)
iced coffee. yum.
seasonal summer beer (i heart abita strawberry harvest)
jack's cosmic dogs (hotdogs are better when you're not freezing)
boats. all of them.
suntans!
shrimp records mondays at pour house (they'll be out on the porch!)
the farmer's market.
fresh produce... tomatoes & berries! hooray!
bonnaroo (and a slew of other music festivals)
driving with the sunroof open
blaring (upbeat) music (all summer long, so on & so forth. i'll make a mix)
guacamole. (it's just better in the summer)
dining with friends! (benefits lowcountry aids services)
trip to nyc. (this doesn't normally happen, but it will this year!)
joe & kara's wedding. (ohmygoodness.littlebrother.married.)
pepperminty espresso vanilla bean starbucks goodness.

i'm sure there are more good reasons, but this is a good starting point.

and now we wait.

i don't particularly care for valentine's day. it's a silly day and a lot of pressure for people - whether they're single, have a date, or are in a relationship. i don't think one's happiness on this particular holiday can be directly linked to any of those anyway.

exhibit a. once, my boyfriend at the time, forgot valentine's day after i had driven a quarter of the way across the country to visit him. he didn't call for over a week and i'm pretty sure he lied about it (by telling me my gift must have been lost in the mail).

exhibit b. once, when i was single, my friends threw me a big valentine's surprise by decorating my dorm and filling it with streamers, balloons and pink and red everything! we ate heart shaped things and chocolate all night long.

i rest my case.

however, i generally choose to be happy on valentine's day no matter my relationship status. there is so much love and cuteness that it's hard to ignore, even if it's not directed at me (or you). and maybe you've been hurt recently (i'm very sorry to hear that) and you have every right to despise today. march on and hate it. but, if you're okay and no one broke your heart in the last year, then keep calm and carry on. it will be an okay day. maybe even a good one.

this is from one of my very favorite blogs... CAFFEINATE ME
and, no matter what happens to it, i would like to be able to re-read this letter one day.

Dear 27-Year-Old Drea,

Hey, Happy Birthday! I hope you really enjoy today because, tomorrow, you're going to wake up feeling really unhealthy. Yes, "unhealthy." Yes, that's a euphemism.

Mostly because, at some point, late in the evening, after most people have gone home at a decent hour, someone is going to show up and give you tequila, and then, I dunno... there were tater tots and you got to go inside a food truck. Which, in all fairness, is damn awesome (except the tequila part). So, to sum up? Not worth it. You would have gone in that truck sober.

Anyway, when you wake up tomorrow morning, you are going to do something very stupid. Very, very stupid. You are going to go to work. Why would you do this? It's not like you're going to actually do any work while at work. All you're going to do is slowly drink from a can of Coke, a cup of coffee, a bottle of water, and a cup of mint tea, alternating in whatever order feels LESS BAD, until you decide it's time to go home around 6:30pm. Why would you do this to yourself?

Oh, I know why.

It's because you need everyone to think you're okay.

Oh, 27-Year-Old Drea. You are so young and stupid. Let me tell you something that it's going to take you the next 10 to 11 months to learn: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE OKAY ALL THE TIME.

I know this is still a foreign concept to you and that you’re still not really telling people what’s up when the opportunity arises, but let me tell you what’s about to happen to you over the next year: Some Shit. Some Shit is about to go down and it’s not all going to be good and it’s okay to acknowledge that. You’re a tough girl, but you’re still just a person. It’s okay to tell someone when they’ve hurt you or confused you. It’s okay to demand that they stop. It’s okay to be offended. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel lonely. Basically, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s human to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is beautiful.

Be thankful for the relationships you will cultivate this year, because they are the ones that will teach you this. They are the ones that will hurt you, and they are the ones that will embrace you when you’re hurt.

Speaking of opportunities, take them. Take some risks at work, at home, and in your closet – but especially at work. Take time to reflect on what you like and don’t like. Take more time to evaluate the opportunities around you. Remember, it’s never a bad time to take on something new. It might look good on you. There is possibility in every “yes” you say. Laugh too loudly and too much. Wrinkle your nose as much as possible. Get out there and be your charming self.

Spend some time imagining the perfect life that you want, and then wake up one morning late in the year, and start living that life. It probably won’t happen all at once, but there are some easy steps you can take first: Send holiday cards with personal messages in them. Write thank you notes. Get past some old shit. Reach out to friends who might need a hand. Reach out to strangers who you find interesting. Put it out there; don’t be afraid to say, “Hey. I like your energy. I think we’re going to be good friends” and then make that happen. Do what you want. It’s your life.

It's time to start living it for you.

Love,
Turning-28-year-old-Drea

(The One With an Open Letter to My Younger Self)

things i made today...

pb banana spinach coconut milk deliciousness.

blueberry crisp! i bet you didn't know i could make that!

good news... i don't like breves, so i don't have to worry about that.

i worked on the sales floor (for the first time) yesterday. hooray! a man told me (and the guy i was shadowing) that we were his heroes. also, a guy told me i did a really good job helping him even though i was new. i rang two people up with the machines we carry in our pockets. and i took an ipad workshop! i learned all sorts of craziness. and i loved every moment. (that's good news.)

i'm practicing patience by ordering a book online that i want today. i'm saving almost half this way. wah. wah. yay! pros & cons. i should just buy an iPad because instant gratification is where it's at my friends. anyway, maybe i'll read a different book while i wait. something small because hopefully this book comes fast.

it's an object of beauty by steve martin. just in case you wondering.

speaking of wondering, i ask a lot of questions. it's not because i'm nosey. it's really just because i like people and i'm interested in knowing about them. i'm waiting until one day someone yells at me for it. i thought it might happen today at the gym. i think they realized i'm well meaning though.

more good news... i realized all my social networking has finally paid off... (although, it was kinda awkward to find out in real life that the stuff i put on the internet really gets heard. it's like if a tree falls in the forest... i hope my gym doesn't read my blog.)

me: so, do you actually train people in the gym?
nate: no. i don't. you're the only one.
me: and i don't pay you. why?
nate: because i like to help & you say nice things about me on twitter.
me: yes, yes i do.

he's a really excellent person and he's really qualified to do what he does. pivotal is super lucky to have him and, while i hope he never leaves, i think he could do big things. he also told me that if i came to the gym everyday, then he would tell me i was his hero everyday. that's motivation.

so, clearly, i was training again this morning. i like it because i have someone to keep me on track. i don't like it because i feel like i'm going to die. we're working on shaping because i don't want to be a body builder. i don't want anything about me to be big... well, not nothing, but i need to be proportional and my trainer told me i had a teeny teeny teeny tiny waist. ha. no one has ever told me that. he worked my legs out hardcore and then stretched me out which was nice. it made my muscles feel all loose.

i wish i could afford to have a trainer for real. one day, i'll win the lottery & get a full-time trainer. or maybe i'll marry a gym buff.

i went grocery shopping today and i bought a lot more than i intended. the check out lady told me it was ok because i bought healthy things. that made me feel better.

and, when i got home, i made a peanut butter/banana/spinach/coconut milk smoothie. it was delicious and i'm sure nutritious. and i actually discovered it on my new favorite blog the (never home)maker. love. love. love.

hm. i think most of this was good news.

alright, i'm off to be actually productive (and not just online productive because i do enjoy doing this and i do think it's productive) before i go hang out with patrick tonight. wish me luck! xo.

today...

my boss was blasting three little birds and told me it was bob's birthday. there was also a photo of bob marley on the bottom of our schedule. he was spreading the love.

i learned that i will never be able to sit at a desk all day. never. i hated every inactive moment of it. the good news is that i taught myself a lot... like how to use iPhoto and iMovie to actually make something worth showing people. well, perhaps it's not worth showing people, but i made it and it has a bob dylan soundtrack.

i used wiki wiki to teach me about a lot of computer terms. i learned the difference between memory/RAM and a hard drive/storage space. whoa.

i discovered that i have an incredibly uneven complexion. effing photobooth. thanks for pointing that out.

i started watching pushing daisies. it's adorable. and netflix is a wonderful gift.

i think i'll make blueberry crisp this week.

and, finally, it's easy to make friends when you share your sour cherry cola gummies with them.

work goals:
1. get on the floor & sell something to someone
2. get a (spontaneous) hug from a customer
3. have a customer request me (when they come back to the store)

life goals:
read one book every month - i'm not making a list because i can't commit to specifics.

ps. tomorrow is world nutella day. celebrate!

ok. that's all. thanks. bye.

tonight, at kinetic:ct, i learned about being a leader (specifically in the church, but i think a lot of it applied to life in general).

1. be beyond reproach - own your flaws. be honest about them & guarded against them.

2. be apt to teach - both able to teach & teachable. it can happen at anytime. be open to it.

3. be hospitable - love strangers. welcome people into your life and care for them.

these are good church rules (because the church is the pillar & support of truth and the physical example of christianity to non-christians). they are also good work rules (because it means you are approachable & develop-able). most importantly, i think, they are good life rules (because no one cares what you know until they know that you care).

and it's hard. i hate being wrong or feeling guilt. learning new things is sometimes difficult and overwhelming and i hate asking for help. plus, i'm really self conscious and introverted (i swear) so meeting and getting to know new people scares the crap out of me and takes time.

but when you can overcome your fears and live by these rules, then you open yourself up to growth. and from growth comes new relationships & opportunities. and from those you can foster growth in the lives of other people. and i think that's where beauty happens... don't you?

me: you should come over and have a cookie.
friend: (laughs)
me: they're good. i promise.
friend: i just think it's funny that you had egg whites & oatmeal for breakfast because a trainer told you to and when you got home from the gym, then you baked cookies.
me: whatevs. i'm taking baby steps.

also, i never got all my laundry put away. hmph.

it's my last day off before i start my new job!

what if i suck? what if they don't like me? what if i can't pay my bills? what if i have to give up starbucks? what if...? oh geez.

i had coffee with my dear megan this morning. coffee and four egg whites with asparagus & a half cup of oatmeal with slivered almonds & some craisins. craisins are so delicious. i don't think they're on "the diet". it's ok because i don't have to report to a trainer who holds me accountable to those sorts of things. momma majesta will check up on me though.

ps. thank you everyone for all of your recipes and suggestions!

my pro-bono training got canceled this morning. wah. i did a pretty good job myself though. i love the bosu ball. i did the elliptical. meh. and lunges and squat because i got all that junk in the trunk. i did a lot of stuff he made me do yesterday minus the things that would require me going out into the main workout area because i'm terribly self conscious and hate working out in front of other people.

it is so lovely outside. i have my blinds & windows open. dave matthews band on the ipod. rosie is coming over to bake cookies soon. i just need to put away my laundry. that's my least favorite chore ever. i'd rather clean a toilet.

but really i would marry this weather if i could.

today, i read about getting a master's in applied positive psychology.

the MAPP program explores the history, theory, and basic research methods of positive psychology. This new branch of psychology focuses on such issues as the empirical study of positive emotions, strengths-based character, and healthy institutions. In the Master of Applied Positive Psychology program, you’ll learn to apply these aspects of positive psychology in your particular professional setting. 

i wouldn't mind doing that. nope. i wonder if that would be better than a master's in human resources. do i really want to go back to school? hm.

recently i've been all of content and dreaming... xo.

so, about a week ago, mj went to the gym for a personal fitness assessment and i crashed in on it. and despite my not so amazing experience with a personal trainer before, this guy had me rethinking the idea. unfortunately, it's just not in the budget, but i guess he likes to work pro-bono when he's not recruiting/managing the rest of the staff because he pretty much handed my ass back to me in twenty minutes this morning.

and i get to do it again tomorrow. i mean who am i to say no to an attractive trainer who wants to help me for free? (and by free i mean for no dollars outside of what i already pay to go to the gym. which is totally worth it, btw. i love my gym.) i told him i had no problem taking advantage of him. [note: no, he's not single so i'm really just using him for his brain. also, i think his gf is a body builder and i'm sure she could kill me.]

dude also thinks i'm a boozer. i'm such a homebody, so that's crazy. one wrist band and you're scarred for life.

all this to say, i have to start cooking & eating healthy because i almost passed out on him this morning. a ZONE bar is delicious, but not enough for breakfast. evidently neither is a whole wheat waffle & peanut butter. tomorrow i have to eat 4 egg whites and a 1/2 cup of oatmeal. i'm sort of small... WHERE AM I GOING TO PUT ALL THAT FOOD? oy vey.

so today, i went to whole foods and stocked my kitchen with all sorts of things a kitchen needs.

tomorrow i bake (espresso chocolate chip cookies) & make butternut squash pasta w. blue cheese & spinach. i also have a date with some brussel sprouts & asparagus this week.

reading: the happiness project.
listening: dave matthews band.
consuming: peppermint hot chocolate.