and i'll be awful sometimes

I met a cowboy today:

He said, "Hi, I'm Rowdy if you listen to 96.9 a lot." and I said, "Hi, I'm Erin and I don't listen to the radio. Nothing personal."

There were some other choice parts of the conversation that I will leave out. (There always are...) But they were raising money for St. Jude's Children Hospital. That was nice of them.

I love and hate my job. I think that's how parents feel sometimes.

Matt is coming tomorrow. I miss him all the time.

As a week comes to a close, I've been pretty good with my 43 things goals. I did my yoga and pilates, I learned to drive stick, I've blogged. Not so good with the journaling. The colon cleanse starts next week. Etc etc. It's good to have goals. No matter how small. Goals that don't depend on giant life changes or anyone else. Little victories.

Two songs: Little Victories (Matt Nathanson) and Hometown Glory (Adele).

And I’ll learn to get by on little victories. And if the world decides to catch up with me, still little victories.

starfish and coffee, maple syrup and jam...

Starbucks Gossip: "Your drink should be perfect every time..."

I just went to Starbucks. My drink was not perfect. I didn't say anything.

And usually I am assaulted as soon as I step up to the counter, but no, not this time. I waited. And waited. I knew exactly what I wanted. I've known since Tuesday night when I couldn't go to Starbucks what I wanted. Tall 1 pump peppermint vanilla bean creme frap with a shot of espresso poured on top. My drink had no peppermint. I don't blame the man making my drink. I blame the woman who didn't write down peppermint on my cup even though I said it three times.

It happens. But now I feel like my treat is a waste of calories.

And now they have the "new" honey latte which Kt and I have been cranking out since last August. Sheesh. Wholly Cow is so before it's time.

I've crossed off more than half of the things on my list. I work at five and have a meeting with a Sysco Rep. He'll be the second one to come to store today. Guh.

Hanneke leaves soon.

... butterscotch clouds, a tangerine, and a side order of ham. If you set your mind free baby, maybe you'd understand...

maybe it's just me

There is a lot I could say about the past two days. Most of it is not positive. Today was better. Much better. And tomorrow I don't work until five and I plan on being ridiculously productive until then. And Matt is coming on Saturday.

Things are looking up.

... but you seem finally happy. I don't think I've seen your face just glow like a neon sign. And maybe we should be alone for ever after 'cause even though the nights are long at least I'll make it another day.

home is a feeling i buried in you

One year ago.

I keep crying. Yesterday, I did this too. I went from remembering her to overwhelming happiness for my sister and Roy.

Sometimes you just really need someone to tell you they love you. Sometimes you just really need someone to hold you and say its going to be ok. And sometimes you got nothing.

I'm alright. I'm alright. It only hurts when I breathe.

i waited for you today...

but you didn't show.

I needed you today. So where did you go?

You told me to call - said you'd be there. And thought I haven't seen you - are you still there? I cried out with no reply. And I can't feel you by my side. So, I hold tight to what I know. You're here and I'm never alone...

a holy moment now

Paul: Why do you want to be baptized?
Rebecca: Because I want to be washed on the inside not just on the outside.

Rebecca and Roy's baptism at Crosstowne.

If I just breathe,
let it feel the space between.
Oh no. Everything is alright.

they say time heals everything

Today was good. Much better than yesterday.

I drove Olivia around and had sweet potato benedict (with avocado) for breakfast at a cute little cafe with Kt. I went to Columbia for Bjo's wedding shower. I saw Hope and Stephanie there, too. I ran into Lou at Adriana's and we chatted. Rachel and I spend quality time eating at Miyo's and being ousted from our table. Then we spent quality time at Starbucks where the feng shui is completely off now - or, at the very least, the flow of traffic. And Matt Carrowan and I talked the whole way home.

It was a good day.

And I learned that if you share your goals with other people, then, more than likely, they will be willing to help you achieve them. No matter how big or how small. In this galaxy or another.

I have good friends.

That was a $3.25 glass of fresh squeezed orange juice.

I'm through with doubt. Nothing left for me to figure out.

if you just realized what i just realized

Today:

Tired. Frustrated. Headache.

Cranky customers spilling coffee and asking stupid questions. Employees who aren't bold enough to tell me what they want. Scheduling conflicts. Rain. Stalling. Hamster. Ack.

A customer: "You're a pretty white girl from the front and you're built like a sista from the back. There's not that many girls like you - I meant that as a compliment." And all I could do was laugh. Oh, and I said "Thanks... I think."

"If somebody breathes too hard on my paring knife, I'm like a crazy spider monkey."

"How the counter is a sacred space. MY sacred space. You don't do yoga on the Dalai Lama's mat and you don't come behind my counter. Period."

I ate almost a whole calzone. It was delicious.

and if i stumble, and if i fall

and if i slip now, and if i should fall
and if i can’t be, all that i could be
will you? will you wait for me?

People are particularly stupid today:

I worked at night. I hate working at night.
I drove the Jetta to work! Olivia didn't let me down.
I drove the Jetta home from work. In the rain! Ack.

There was a lunar eclipse yesterday. That was cool.

43 things has given me some concrete goals.
Some goals are not so concrete.
But it's giving me something to work towards.
Plus, it's incentive to complete goals -
It's a virtual to-do list I get to cross off. *sigh*

A man had a conversation with me today about:
long distance relationships, jeans, driving a stick shift,
being asked out at work, and my junk in the trunk.
No lie.

My chives are growing! Not just sprouting!

I recommend Burt's Bees pomegranate lip balm.
And day planners by Jill Bliss. Love her stuff. Love.
Did I ever mention I got a set of golf clubs?


Listen to: Tin Cup Prophette and Alexi Murdoch.

Though I have the strength to move a hill,
I can hardly leave my room. So I sit perfectly still and
I’ll listen for a tune while my mind is on the moon.

worn me down like a road

Today:

It's easier to be in Kuwait than work in the dmv.
I paid taxes and got tags for Olivia.
I bought mini Naked Juices. Yumm.
I walked over the bridge and it was beautiful.
Payroll. Input invoices. Yuck.
David, I mailed your hat with hopefully enough postage.
I really like the book I'm reading.
It may force me to buy books I'll never read.

There is a site called 43 things.
I looked at it.
I looked at the goals of someone I care about.
And I considered doing it.
I don't know what I would put there.
I had a list once, but those things seem unimportant.

I only have vague goals now.
Get married. Have children.
Create a home.
Those all depend on someone else.
Stupid.

I applied for a couple of jobs.
I'll apply for a couple more.
I have no idea what I want to do.

I need a change.
I don't know what it will take
But I don't know how long it can wait.


Listen to: Tin Cup Prophette and Rachael Yamagata.

And I wish you the best, but I could do without it.
And you're wrong. I'm not overreacting. Something is off.

anyone can be a leader: by robin sharma

Leadership is not about the size of your office or the prestige of your title. And it’s not just for CEOs and VPs of sales. We all can lead - in all we do. To me, true leadership is more about the depth of your commitment and the strength of your character than about the position you hold.

I write a lot about a phrase I’ve been sharing with business clients around the world. It’s a simple one that speaks to the power each of us has to craft world-class careers and remarkably successful lives: Lead without a title.

To me, leadership is a way of being. It’s about inspiring all those who surround you to realize their gifts and stand for personal greatness. It’s about taking responsibility for the way every dimension of your life looks (versus blaming others for what’s not working). It’s about devoting yourself to excellence in every pursuit and making things better - no matter how good they already are.

Leadership is also about connecting to people. Deeply. Genuinely. Passionately. Because business and life are really all about people.

As I write this, I’m reflecting on the death of a special friend of mine, Greg Brophy, founder of Shred-it, a huge Canadian success story.

His passing, from a plane crash at the age of 44, brings so many things to mind. Of how incredibly short life can be. Of how we need to dream, act and be the people we know we can be right now. Of how all that we can leave behind in the end are the great things we have done - and the kindness we have given. And of how success is powerful. But living with significance is even better. Greg lived all these elements. That’s what made him a superb leader and human being.

Any person who wants to lead - and live - a remarkable life can. Teachers can lead. Entrepreneurs can lead. Artists can lead. Students can lead. As Mark Twain once wrote, “If everybody was satisfied with himself there would be no heroes.”

and i screamed out loud

Today:

I love clif bars and english muffins.
Earl Grey Green Tea is good.
So is strawberry black tea.
I still want strawberry green tea.
Tea. Tea. Tea.
I Nine is the iTunes single of the week.
I have a lot to do that I've put off until tomorrow.
Doing laundry is no fun at all.
I'm watching Gilmore Girls - all over again.
An online quiz told me I belong in Paris.
One day I'll post pics of Olivia. Promise.
Momentous: adj. - of great or far-reaching importance or consequence.

That is all for now.

... should've said the things i'm thinking.

the best soy latte that you ever had and me

This is a picture I took of the super cool graffiti on James Island. It's in the Buffalo South parking lot along the whole length of the back of the building.

La la la. Mondays are always awkward. Especially ones that fall on rainy holidays. Especially ones after I haven't worked in four days. Bah.

It always takes me a little bit of time to get back to normal after Matt leaves - partially because I'm usually off of work and partially because I get really used to him being here. Last night, when I went to bed, I realized I didn't have anyone to hug me and tell me goodnight and sweet dreams. It was sort of sad. I don't always cry and sometimes I bounce back quicker than others. I never can say what it will be like. I just never get used to telling him goodbye.

This past weekend was quite excellent though. We ate at La Fourchette and saw Jay Clifford and the CSO on Valentine's Day. I normally hate the day - so much pressure and expectation, but Matt rose to the occasion with tulips and cards planned weeks in advance with my mom. And the other days were just as wonderful. We did all sorts of Charleston things and bought Bonnaroo tickets. Honestly, I was just glad he was here.

I practiced driving my car some more. I went on 526 and sat on a hill and backed into my driveway. It's still scary, but I like it more now. Driving a stick shift gives me a feeling of more power which is good and bad, I think. I named my car Olivia, btw. Dark blue exterior and black leather interior with a sunroof and sexy gas mileage requires a better name than Lucy (which I thought I would name her before I met her).

I'm reading a new book - The Polysyllabic Spree by Nick Hornby. It's about "the how, and when, and why, and what of reading - about the way that, when reading is going well, one book leads to another and to another, a paper trail of theme and meaning; and how, when it's going badly, when books don't stick or take, when your mood and the mood of the book are fighting like cats, you'd rather do anything, but attempt the next paragraph, or reread the last one for the tenth time."

And really I bought it because of this quote:

"I don't want anyone writing in to point out that I spend too much money on books, many of which I will never read. I know that already. I certainly intend to read all of them, more or less. My intentions are good. Anyway, it's my money. And I'll bet you do it too."

Guilty as charged. At least I buy most of them used. I also have a tendency to collect books from people who want me to read them and then I only read part of them or just never get around to them. If you have given me such a book and would like it returned, please do not hesitate to ask because otherwise I'll keep it and not read it forever, more than likely. (PS, this is a post-secret and not my own receipt - I don't feel that guilty about it...)

Gavin DeGraw released a new single. And I like it.

I would like strawberry green tea. I searched and searched at Earthfare and all I went home with was Earl Grey Green tea. I'll have to let you know how that goes.

Clif Mojo Dipped Peanut Butter and Jelly bars are amazing. I'm rambling. Goodnight.

What is there to write? What is there to say?

(So good I had to make it a repeat...)

Happy Valentine's Day.

i can stir coffee with a stick, but i can't drive a stick...

I bought a car today. A 2000 Jetta. It's a manual. And it's blue. And I haven't driven it yet. I also now have a car payment and a new insurance payment. And life insurance. It's stressful and exciting all at the same time.

thoughts arrive like butterflies...

This is proof that God loves me and wants me to be happy! I can't wait to see who the additions are - Mute Math? Daft Punk? Arcade Fire? Ben Harper? Ziggy Marley? DMB? The Flaming Lips? Rumors. Rumors. I'm still stoked.

it hasn't felt like this before

Me: I'm not sure I'll ever have a career.
Matt: It's overrated.

"In his forty-odd years, Larus has earned a living not only as a chess player, but also as a journalist, a construction-company executive, a theologian, and now, a music producer. 'I know,' he says, sensing my disbelief. 'But that kind of resume is completely normal in Iceland.'

Having multiple identities (though not multiple personalities) is, he believes, conducive to happiness. This runs counter to the prevailing belief in the United States and other western nations, where specialization is considered the highest good. Academics, doctors and other professionals spend lifetimes learning more and more about less and less. In Iceland, people learn more and more about more and more."

[The Geography of Bliss]

Tonight I did yoga and ate sriracha sauce. Now I'm reading my book and drinking tea - ginseng peppermint. And listening to Joshua Radin. Ooo. We have acai (ah-sigh-ee) sorbet at the store.

I know it's easy to say, but it's harder to feel this way.
I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could.

you're better than you think so

"Social scientists estimate that about 70 percent of our happiness stems from our relationships, both quantity and quality, with friends, family, coworkers and neighbors. During life's difficult patches, camaraderie blunts our misery; during the good times, it boosts our happiness." - Eric Weiner, The Geography of Bliss


So meet me and we'll drive this car away. We can leave right now. What do you say? We'll head out for the wide and open spaces, if we can clear the way.

no one loves me like you

My life is good. And it is meaningful. And it is stressful, at times, but this is what I'm supposed to be doing right now.

I have to remind myself of that. That this is His plan. His plan to prosper me and take care of me and to give me the ability to lift up others and to glorify His name.

And sometimes, there is the part of me that gets upset. I just want to be in Columbia. I just want to be near Matt. I just want to be able to afford to live where I want and do what I want and travel where I want. But that's all what I want. Not what He wants.

And I've learned that Columbia isn't going anywhere. Those people still get excited to see me and invite me back in. Matt isn't going anywhere... yet. And he still loves me in spite of myself. And I am living where I need to be living and I can do what I want and travel where I want within reason of a normal human being - even more if you count how often I up and drive to Columbia.

My life isn't lacking anything. It's arranged in a slightly different order, but it isn't lacking anything.

And a friend once told me something that describes exactly how I feel too: "I love you and miss you and wish we all could live in a commune that provided for every one of our individual needs so we would never have to be apart from each other... But I guess, in all actuality, that's what Christ is, so now I'm just wanting to be a beggar and a chooser. "

[This picture is from simplyphoto as part of a collaboration. Read on.]