fear is a friend who's misunderstood.

... but I know the heart of life is good.

you sing to my soul. oh you break me.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams!" - Henry David Thoreau

Caffeine does not make up for a lack of motivation.

I have a final tomorrow. I'm not done studying. Also, I have to take my marketing final. Only because it's too close for comfort and, even though I'm done, I'm not a quitter.

I worked my last day at the McCutchen House. I cried. Courtney wrote nice things about me in her blog. I cried. I had a really amazing iced mocha at Immac. I did not cry.

The end is bittersweet.

I would like to travel all over the world.

Listen to Maria Taylor (A Good Start) and Grayson Venters.

And it's the same world, honey, that has brought you down as the one that's gonna pick you up.

if this were our last waltz would you dance different?

I couldn't have asked for a better day.

Today I experienced Columbia in some new ways and some old ways.

I experienced Columbia with my brother today. By having cake and coffee for breakfast. And by being on the back of a motorcycle and eating at a new (fantastic) restaurant. If you haven't been to Mr. Friendly's, then I suggest you go.

I went to City Art for the first time. I saw Neil's photos and I liked them. I actually laughed when I saw them.

I experienced an earlier release from mgmt strategy and some random walking and talking with the new short and straight haired Rachel.

I got to talk to my amazing boyfriend who lives in the same state as me again and has a phone charger again.

I went to my last Shack Council and put in my last input and talked about my last Sunday. (If you're a Senior Shacker your presence is requested by Council. If you're a Shacker your presence is requested by the seniors who are going to miss you...)

And I went to pint night with more amazing people than I could imagine.

And I cried. Because I'm so blessed. And I had no idea I was such a blessing. Evidently it's something I need to know and hear.

If I were the last ocean or the first photograph of earth would that change what I was worth? Would it set your hands in motion, if I were the last ocean?

i fall. i freeze. i pray down on my knees.

I sleep. I wake. I try hard not to break.

I have this giant knot of pain growing my in right shoulder and I don't know where it came from.

I finished reading that ridiculous ninety pages of research. And writing the ridiculous market analysis and website evaluation. I'm so close to being done.

And speaking of that, I'll probably only be spending one more weekend in Columbia. Maybe two. I know I'll be here this weekend. I'm serving/cleaning at the Opening Gala for the Festival of the Arts on Friday just because I would like to and Sunday is the last Shack of my college career.

I crave. I love. I've waited long enough. I try as hard as I can.

The weekend after that I'll be in Charleston babysitting my new store. And then, well, I guess I'm moving back. I have no idea where all my stuff is going. Maybe I'll just give it all away.

Moving down the block last summer seemed fun and exciting and easier than moving to the next largest city along the interstate. I still can't believe we moved so quickly this time last year. It was crazy. I was probably already living in boxes at this point.

Ohh. I'm not going far. I'll be back. I'll be back. I'll be back.

I like my weekends. I work really hard during the week and have them free-ish. It's going to suck when I stop seeing Matt during them. This weekend was good though.

I hope. I stand. I take it like a man. I try as hard as I can.

It started with Immac and Rachel on Friday. I had coffee on Saturday, finally. We baked cupcakes and an actual cake, then delivered the cupcakes to the nice boy at Starbucks. He seemed genuinely excited. Courtney turned 18 on Saturday and played a show with Grayson at the Watershed. (You should go see them the next opportunity you get.) I also made up with Ben and Jerry's on our walk back from Za's, so I feel like that's a step forward. Oh and Matt made breakfast for dinner last night. It was the most amazing cheese and egg volcano I had ever experienced. And three words: pesto with breakfast.

Am I not pretty enough? Is my heart too broken? Do I cry too much? Am I too outspoken? Don't I make you laugh? Should I try it harder? Why do you see right through me?

(i want to swim away but don't know how)

My headache is gone.

Everything good is happening somewhere else.

Two more days until the weekend. Yay. Well, one. One more day of class. Plus one day of SWOT analysis. Bah. I want the weekend. I think I felt this way last Wednesday too.

Um. I think sometimes I expect too much of people. And I'm easily frustrated by that. I think it's directed more at me than the people. I can't decide. I really should just let go of that.

Cause this problem’s gonna last more than the weekend.

I came home tonight and there were tulips on my front porch.

I saw Truett Cathy speak today. Funny little man.

I worry that I bother people. Or that I am the cause of stress in their lives. I want to say I'm sorry, but I don't know how. Or maybe I'm just crazy. I want to fix everything all the time.

I know you think that I’m someone you can trust. But I’m scared I’ll get scared.

a pebble in the water makes a ripple effect

My grandfather came out of surgery ok. Now there are other complications dealing with people. I just feel like he's old and we should let him live the best way for him to live now. The way he wants to live. Really, the way he deserves. I think insanity runs in my family.

I haven't had coffee since Sunday and I had five scoops of ice cream yesterday. My head is very angry from the lack of caffeine and the sugar induced coma I've subjected it to. Oy.

I had the light on my car fixed. Finally. If I hadn't, I could've gotten hamsters like Matt Carrowan. And I would've named one Regina and say things to it like "Regina. Regiiina. When is that song gonna start? The song that goes like da na na na na na na na da na na na na."

The water heater exploded at Wholly Cow yesterday and I GOT CALLED because my mom was out of town. My first business emergency. I took care of it. Well, as much as a person who is 100 miles away can.

Don't read Skinny Bitch if you like... food. At all. In any form that is not completely natural.

Did I mention I had five scoops of ice cream yesterday? It was Ben and Jerry's Free Scoop Day. Mint Chocolate Chunk. Creme Brulee. Mango Lime. Phish Food. Chunky Monkey. Tooooo much.

Then I began to experience an ice cream induced hangover. Rachel came over and we watched Gilmore Girls and planned a wedding for her class and then I never got out of bed. She left and turned my light off and I just slept. Until about thirty minutes ago. And my head still hurts.

Anyway. Life is busy. Spectacular. Sad. Confusing. Where it should be. And not where it should be. ALL AT THE SAME TIME. (... and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.)

Listen to: Pietro Crespi (0wen) and Face Down (Acoustic Version by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)

she said a hundred times and more

postsecret.com

all this feels strange and untrue

I finished my paper.
It's 27 pages. And bound.

I never got good at powerpoint. And I'm pretty sure I'll never have to do it again.

My car wouldn't stop running yesterday. It got overzealous. I took it to the mechanic.

My grandfather is in the hospital (again) and he has to have surgery (again). This time it's on his carotid artery, so adequate bloodflow can be restored to his brain.

I never want to be old and I never wants my parents to be old.

I wish I didn't have a finance test on Tuesday.... I'm really glad that it's the weekend.

... and I won't waste a minute without you. My bones ache. My skin feels cold. And I'm getting so tired and so old.

come the weekend and we'll be long gone baby

... Just like the old days, letting the world flow through me.

I'm reading a book called Skinny Bitch. It's telling me to give up coffee. Something about the acidity forming fat cells. I don't know. Giving up coffee may not make me skinny, but it would certainly make me bitchy.

I am on day two of the massive (sinus induced, i think) headache. Bah.

I only have maybe four more weekends until I leave Columbia.

With that in mind, I would like to cordially invite you all to the last Shack Sunday Night Service for the semester which doubles as my very last Shack - as it does for several other Shackers as well.

And now I bring you an excerpt from the Free Times: "As if any of us needed proof that Keith Richards is the craziest f#!ker alive, reports in tabloids the world ‘round printed stories that the Stones guitarist once snorted a mixture of cocaine and the ashes of his dead father. The allegation comes from an NME interview in which Keef, aside from owning up to snorting his pop’s remains, trashes the state of modern music." - Patrick Wall (everyone's favorite Music Writer)

"The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father. He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow ... It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive." - Keith Richards

He mixed his father's remains with some blow. Supposedly it's not true, but it wouldn't surprise me if it was.

When I don't feel good I drink a lot of apple juice. I even ate an apple earlier. Maybe it has something to do with the whole "an apple a day" saying.

In other news, I will be able to see Dave Barnes, Fiction Plane, Manchester Orchestra and Tin Cup Prophette all in the Bonnaroo Cafe Tent. Yay for promoting up and coming artists that I already enjoy.

Sooo. I'm finally trying to get my car fixed and the a-holes who can fix it won't call me back. I'm taking my car on Friday and making them do it. Oh and I just realized the back of my car is broken. Great. Great. Great.

I hate Starbucks 22 pages worth.

From here you can almost see the sea.

i know you stay true when my world is false

I have had a massive headache all day long. Bah. Oh well. I am unemployed. People were sad when I left. I was sorta sad. Dennis told me he knew I'd be successful in anything I chose to do. That meant a lot.

I did my first sudoku today. I lie. I started my first sudoku today. I worked on it for an hour and then had to leave. I still have it and I'm pretty sure I need to start all over. And I'm pretty sure that's lame.

April 20th is 10% off green paint at the arts and crafts center (at Shaw). Just so you know.

Funny. I hate Starbucks because I have to write a 25 page paper on it, but I love it at the same time because it's what gives me the fuel to write it. Oy. Irony.

Today I went the grocery store and bought brie, apples and woodchuck. And a few other things, but those seemed the most important. It's an umemployment celebration combined with lots and lots (no, really, there is tons) of school work (which I am obviously procrastinating).

Rachel has an interview with Hyatt tomorrow! Yaaay! Alison had an interview with Wando today! Yaaay! David has a job in Tucson! My friends are growing up so quickly...

I started some lists today. One is of things I have to do for school. The other is things I would like to do before I leave Columbia such as: buy my internship cd and apply for graduation, go to the zoo (and the gardens because I've never seen them), write a thank you note to Dennis Pruitt, find the infamous Lexington Park, see BJo work at Starbucks, spend more time at the Shack, email Ms. Dilworth, do Plan B on April 22, attend my last Sunday Night Shack on the 29th, go to the Art Museum, go to the State Museum, watch a movie at the RH, eat at Miyo's, say goodbye to Stephen Justice, go to the "new" Adrianas, walk around the city at night for a long period of time, eat at either The Melting Pot/Motor Supply/Hampton Street Vineyard, go running just because, have breakfast at Immac, and also at Strudel, take lots of pictures, spend lots of time enjoying nice weather. Oh hang out with DZ girls.

There is more to come, but I have to study now. Suggestions are welcome. (And these photos are courtesy of Kickstand Studios.)

... everything around's breaking down to chaos.

oh you silly stupid pastime of mine

I certainly haven't been shopping for any new shoes and I certainly haven't been spreading myself around.

Fiona Apples drives me a little crazy. And I listen to her anyway. Repeatedly.

Last night I couldn't stay awake on the phone with my mom. It was horrible. I slept for ten hours. That was amazing. And unexpected.

Today it was cold. My feet turned blue. I went to the Post Office and the Starbucks on Gervais. I sat through hours of rambling that I didn't pay attention to and learned that good students finish last a.ka. first in line for doing projects. And Council. I went to Council and ate little cinnamon rolls that Joey made and laughed some and made a few decisions.

If there was a better way to go then it would find me.

I don't want to leave Columbia. I feel like it owns a little piece of me because I moved here and made it my city and my home. It's where I did most of my real growing up. I feel comfortable and at peace here. I'm not ready to be done with this place.

The rest of my time here promises to hold lots of life. School and friends. Memories to be remembered. Memories to be made.

(This city is my home, construction noise all day long and gutter punks are bumming change.)

I just finished three assignments. I still have a few to do. Not tonight, but soon.

Tomorrow I become unemployed.

I still only travel by foot and by foot it's a slow climb, but I'm good at being uncomfortable so I can't stop changing all the time.

so, i like a quiet time, please

I feel safe, I feel warm when you're here and I do no wrong.

Sometimes I forget that Jesus was a man. I often think of him as a baby and I often think of him as part of the trinity - something beautiful and intangible, but hardly ever as a man. Which is a shame because that it what he was - who he was. The pain he experienced was so real. So, to you all, Happy Resurrection Day.

This weekend was really amazing. Jubilant, even. JP and Wendy's wedding was beautiful and everything I expected and hoped it to be. And seeing my Mom outside of Wholly Cow for the first time since Christmas almost had the same effect to me. Also, I really enjoy Matt Jones. Not just as a boyfriend, but as a person. It's one of those not just do I love you (because technically I'm supposed to love you) but I like you. A lot. Mmmm. I don' t want to move far away.

So, my mother gave me a sermon boxset Paul did back in January. I'm not big on sermon boxsets. And this one is called Sexual Revolution - Seeking to reconnect sex and the soul - our desires along with a love of the true, good and beautiful. The equation thus far is Mom + (5 Disc) Sermon Boxset + Sex + My Pastor + the fact that I'm not having sex. I didn't know what it equaled at all. I think whatever it was seemed less once Kt told me I should hear it - because my mom telling me wasn't convincing enough.

I listened to the first disc on my way back from Sumter. Parts of it were slightly uncomfortable. Parts of it were enlightening. Parts of it made me laugh.

And one part made me cry. But it was a lovely cry. The kind where the tears stream down your face, but you're smiling at the same time. And it wasn't just the words that were said, but to know that they were true. And to have seen them lived out by couples that I know.

It was good. God is so good.

I am safe when I am with you and I feel warm if you want me to. I am cured when I'm by your side. I'm alright.

the best of the worst things that you never needed to know

eringail says: now your mom thinks i'm a weirdo
nosocksnopants: well
nosocksnopants: you are and I love you
nosocksnopants: its not even something i have to accept
eringail says: thank you

i'm running, but i'm not getting anywhere.

If I could I would be smoke. And I’d float myself out of here. And I’d go wherever you are. And I’d never have to be too far from here.

I don’t like graduating. It’s so… permanent. And forever. And soon.

I am so scared of making the wrong decision. What if I make my Dad lose lots of money? What if my Mom hates her job? What if I have to move away? I don’t really want to leave South Carolina right now. And I don’t want to ruin anybody’s life or credit rating.

Did I ever mention that Aramark called me? I have a phone interview on Wednesday for an internship. This position is a 10-week rotational internship, during the summer, focused on learning and understanding the overall operation of a Higher Education account. They'll pay for my room/board wherever they put me and pay me $10/hour.

I hope they offer it in Columbia, Charlotte, or Charleston. Or maybe they won't offer it at all. I mean, I shouldn't get ahead of myself.

Bah. I can't wait for this weekend.

... Shouldn’t it be that easy to just be happy for awhile?

it's not a hurry that we're in

I hate April Fools Day. And being gullible. And especially being gullible on April Fools Day.

Two of the most important James' I know fooled me. That seems unfair.

At least I now realize how important it is to keep people involved in your life. When I get engaged (no time soon), Facebook will be the last to know. So there!

I went to Sumter today. It takes less than an hour to get there. It's so close. I had no idea. This makes me very happy.

Another thing that makes me happy is... Diet Coke Plus. It's real. It exists. April 16 we can all have our own. Then on the 17th we can all go get free ice cream at Ben and Jerrys. Holla.

I like music. I can't get enough of it. I'm going to read some nonrequired reading. I have so much work to do. But the procrastination is overwhelming. Mmm.

It's the pollen. It's the spring.