So, this is a pretty revealing post and I am about to admit a couple of things about myself that may sound bad and/or cocky, but I don't mean to be that way. I am really a nice person... I swear.

A few (yeah. yeah. over three...) years ago, I broke up with someone who crushed me. (It happens, I know.) Most people get over that sort of thing quickly... I did not. I think I may have, but up until now I was like a serial dater. Literally, I would go out with guys one to four times, then find something horribly wrong with them or the situation and then find a way to stop seeing them/just ignore them.

Either I didn't find them entertaining or intelligent or attractive or nice enough. Or I was too busy or tired or bored. I always managed to wiggle my way out of the dating situation and leave them hanging.

How terrible is that? I KNOW. I AM SUCH A BAD PERSON.

But I wasn't ready. I didn't know them. I didn't trust them. And I didn't want 

to. At all.

via instagram

So, for three years, I have basically been leading guys on and mentally dumping them before they have a chance. To be fair, I have dated some real douchebags, but I have also dated some really (really) nice guys, too. (Hi, I'm really sorry if you're reading this....) I let them all loose.

Recently, I have gone out with a few different fellas and have mentally pulled the plug - as per my usual (subconscious) plan. (I swear it's not my intent when I start going out with them.) But for some reason, this time... there was this one guy where it didn't seem quite fair for me to do that. More so, I didn't want to stop talking to him. (Ok, so that's sort of a lie. I did try to pull a fast one and ditch him, but then my friends called me out on it.) 

At first, I sort of freaked out. He was super attentive. I got a book on our first date and my favorite flowers on the third. I got texts at least every morning and every night and we visited each other every weekend. I was really overwhelmed and ready to bail, but after a lot of thought, and being called out, I decided not to... I found him to be thoughtful, intelligent, attractive and funny. All at one time. That's crazy, right?

And then you know what happened? He did the same thing to me that I did to all the other guys. I got let go. Karma, eh? Except he was much nicer about it than I have ever been and he even explained himself to me. (I'm just a bitch when I do it - I never give an explanation.) And while the reasons are neither here nor there or for any sort of public forum... Ouch. 

(This part is going to sound cocky....) This is the first time in three years, that I have been upset about a guy. I mean, I have always been the one to cut if off and that leaves you feeling pretty confident. But now, whoa. I don't know what to do. I'm not upset with him. I'm not upset with myself even. I am... disappointed? Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about it at the moment.

What I do know is that I am happy to know that for the first time in over three years that I let myself feel something and be open to the idea of someone else. That is such a huge thing for me - even though I definitely got shut down. 

I guess I just learned a lot about myself through this whole experience.  

I also learned that I should never feel like I am convincing someone that it's a good idea to date me. My friend said to me "I want you happy like in the movies." And I feel like if he feels that way that someone who wants to date me should feel even more than that. Clearly, that was not going to happen in this situation.

I spent a lot of time in my life dedicating myself to someone else. And don't get me wrong, I absolutely wanted to do that at that point in my life, but now I know that it should be reciprocated. I should only be dating guys who are head over heals for me. 

I should never settle.

So, that's what I learned today.

It hurts when someone says they don't want you whether you've known them for three years or three months. You need to treat people the way you want to be treated. And, above all else, remember how much you deserve and never think that second place is an ok place to find yourself. 

[Disclaimer: I am not mad at this guy. I do not hold this decision against him. He did nothing wrong. It's not a big deal. We may even turn out to be friends - certainly stranger things have happened.]