maybe every time you leave i'm silent

and I wish I'd said it. Told you all the reasons why I adore you...

My brother called tonight. I walked into the living room and my mom was crying on the phone. I haven't talked to her yet, but I don't need to - I know what that means.

People never stop coming and going in your life. It's beyond frustrating. For awhile, I thought I was driving people away - into the military, across the country, to other homes, to other schools, to other continents, into other career fields. It's not me. It's life. Obligations, goals and desires don't mean people want to leave you, they just mean that they have to leave you. It sucks, but that's the way it is.

People will always leave you. People will always find you. And sometimes relationships that are distant don't work the way you want them to, but that doesn't mean they're not worth keeping in some sort of tact. You just gotta have faith. Faith that the long haul is going to pay off. Faith that they're going to return. Faith that, in the end, being a part of those peoples lives will have made you a better person.

And maybe I'm just hopeless. Or hopeful. Or just a little sad. I'm not sure.

"After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away." - Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

i'll laugh until my head comes off

Once upon a time, I went to see Imogen Heap perform at the Tabernacle in Atlanta and that is where I decided to devote my life to Levi Weaver. Ok, so not really how the story went, but I was enamored with this boy who thought himself bold enough to cover Idioteque using nothing but himself, a guitar, a bow and a looping machine.

Anyway, I hope you too enjoy this special Levi Weaver treat.

tonight the sky above reminds me of you, love...

... walking through wintertime where the stars all shine...

Thanksgiving was good. And short. Definitely not long enough. There was a parade and food and family and friends. And my brother and I went to see August Rush - which is amazing and I will see it over and over.

The next day was Black Friday and we did amazing at the store and I worked about 13 1/2 hours and when I came home I passed out because I was tired and starting to get whatever ick people have these days.

So, today I woke up and went to work at 7:30 and then my mom called to tell me my dad is in the hospital and then proceeded to have three very busy hours until anyone else came in.

The neon lights in bars and headlights from the cars have started a symphony inside of me.

My dad - he was helping someone move and they dropped the armoire they were holding and he fell with it on top of him and broke a rib or so and it punctured his lung and now we're waiting to see if it will re-inflate itself or if the doctors will have to do it themselves.

I'm going to watch the game with him in a little bit. I hate hospitals. They freak me out. But if I were in the hospital, I would want someone to come visit me.

So that's what is happening in my life right now. I'm sorry I don't have perkier tales to tell. And I'm ok - just tired and worried. That's all.

I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines. Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds. I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind. Would the wind be at my back? Could I get you off my mind this time?

... a real life fairytale.

i wouldn't see another city if you don't want me to

I'm nervous. This is like exam week, but with no exams and everyone depending on and looking to you.

Tomorrow I am going to be a ridiculous mess of worry and preparation.

This photo was taken at my store. It's the aftermath of the elderly couple who drinks espresso. Done by resident photographer Kaitlyn Iserman.

I want Thanksgiving. One whole day where no matter what happens there is nothing I can do about it. And I can eat pie.

I'm cold. And I get to be a model soon. And I get to trade coffee for pizza.

"You never can tell how much you love someone until you know their imperfections."

Call me and tell me you need me, when I already know.

you must not know 'bout me

To the left, to the left. Everything you own in the box to the left.

The most ridiculous and hilarious thirty minutes of my week occur when I watch The Big Bang Theory on CBS. I'm not usually a fan of mindless, semi-plot comedy - hence my disdain for The Office; however, I love love love this show.

Summary: Created by writer/producers Chuck Lorre (of Two And A Half Men) and Bill Prady (of Gilmore Girls) comes The Big Bang Theory, a sitcom that shows what happens when hyperintelligent roommates/physicists Sheldon and Leonard meet Penny, a beautiful woman moving in next door--and realize they know next to nothing about life outside of the lab.

One of the writers being from Gilmore Girls might have something to do with it.

Leonard: (about Penny) Our children will be beautiful and smart.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.

"I don't know what your odds are in the world as a whole, but as far as the population in this car goes, you're a veritable Mac Daddy." - Sheldon to Leonard

And keep talkin’ that mess, that’s fine, but could you walk and talk at the same time?

Outside of that thirty minutes, I am preparing for Black Friday... Yup. Yup. Yep. Yep. A whole lot of crazy and torture and mental anguish all culminating in the less than twenty-four hours worth of customer onslaught. I have to buy eggnog and cups and make posters and sell my soul. Well, not that last part.

We'll be busy for the rest of the year, but nothing will compare to Friday. It'll be great stories to swap with my fellow mall people next week...

I keep listening to Irreplaceable by Beyonce. I wish I could stop. Bah.

So since I’m not your everything, how about I’ll be nothing, nothing at all to you.

i always stagger back again

Today at work was slow.
Still interesting though. Always interesting.

I drank four cups of triple echinacea green tea because everyone is sick. I love Yogi Tea.

I learned that, according to Women's Health Magazine, the TV physician the average woman would most like to play doctor with is Derek "McDreamy" Shepherd. And upon an actual poll of two people, I received a chorus of agreement.

I also learned (in WH Mag) that exercising longer rather than harder will improve your cholesterol.

And a man came in and this was our conversation:

Man: Do you have boyfriend?
Me: Yes sir, I do.
Man: Because I would get you a boyfriend.
Me: Oh, well, thank you.
Man: You should have a good boyfriend.
Me: I do and he might be a little upset if you find me another one.
Man: Ok. Let me know if you need one.
Me: Ok. Thank you.

VJ: That was awkward.
Me: Yup.

Speaking of VJ, he makes guacamole with feta cheese and kalamata olives.

A little girl came in and told me she met Santa. I asked her what if she sat on his lap and told him what she would like for Christmas and she told me "Yes. I told him I wanted 100 teddy bears, something I don't remember, and a million dollars."

Impressive, no?

Mint M&M ice cream is delicious.

I read an article about Johnathan Rhys Meyers today in some men's magazine. I can't wait for his new movie (August Rush) to come out (next Wednesday). Everyone should just go see it on Thanksgiving.

I'm Christmas shopping. I have ideas and plans and I've already bought things. Its weird because Christmas is going to be weird this year. I can feel it.

I miss living in a giant community. I thought I wouldn't. It's a lie. I want Columbia back. Or for it to come to me. Either way.

Oh. I need a new hair dryer. Ionic. With a diffuser. Mine is sparking at me.

heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why

"Tony the Beat Poet says the words alone, lonely and loneliness are three of the most powerful words in the English language. I agree with Tony. Those words say that we are human; they are like the words hunger and thirst. But they are not words about the body, they are words about the soul...

Other people keep our souls alive,
just like food and water does with our body."

"And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winters, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving your self around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God."

of course i love you, baby

That's the way my love is.
That's the way I care.
You should call on me baby.
I'm always there for you...

They'll say you'll lose your love soon to claim identity. Disgrace all sacred promise with no belief. Oh how I believe in you.

you know they like it when you smile.

Pull the hair back from your eyes. Let the people see your pretty face. Try not to say anything weird.

My parents are out of town.

It's weird because I'm only sort of by myself since Rob lives here now. But it's nice because he doesn't wake up at the same time as me so I don't have to fight him for the shower. It's also nice because I have someone here to talk to and help me reach things. And because it's completely amusing to help him and his friend Alex pick out a movie to watch. And not only was I helping two guys pick out a movie to watch together - I was helping them choose from my own personal collection. And the winner is... The Breakfast Club. Classic Brat Pack. It so doesn't say we hold hands and skip.

I made bran muffins tonight from Amy May's delicious recipe. Alex ate one. I'm hoping I can get Rob to follow suit. I'm going to make him eat healthy if it kills me.

I listened to some old school mixed cds today. Life in 2004 was ridiculous.

Save your questions without answers 'til your old enough to know that things ain't as they appeared.

I'm learning about investing (again) and starting an IRA. I need stable and responsible personal financial practices. I feel old.

Somethings you have to learn them all on your own. You can't rely on anybody else or the point of view of a source unknown.

I have this nice list of things to accomplish over the weekend. I'm sort of excited, but off to a slow start. The good news is that I have heat! Woohoo! The bad news is that I have to go make my bed before I go to sleep.

"If we were sheep, we'd be the blue sheep."

Sooner or later, we'll be lookin' back on everything and we'll laugh about it like we knew what all was happening.

sentimental thoughts are overwhelming me again

The mall has thrown up Christmas. It upsets me that they only view Thanksgiving as a gateway to Black Friday and the rest of the shopping season. Ugh. I would love to be detached from a mall this time of year.

However, this does bring eggnog lattes and chocolate covered marshmallows into my life, so I'll be grateful for that.

Today at the mall was slow. Alex and Jacob kept me entertained. I meet such random and excellent people at that store. Something else to be grateful for.

Aaaand Rachel came to visit me today - even after she crushed the tip of her finger in a door. And it was lovely. And I so miss living in the same city as her. *sigh*

Also, tonight, I ordered my very first half-caf latte. I'm one of those people now. Whatever that means.

Everyone read Chapters 18 and 19 out of Blue Like Jazz. I love you all, but I'm going to bed. Me and Martin, my blueberry bird.

All I hear in my head are all the words I wish I'd said.

we should have learned by now

How are we off on a tangent again? Oh we say, what we say, and the poison is breaking our skin.

Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired.

And still we let our spiritual lives fall by the wayside. And for what? So we can fix it ourselves? So we can spend our time making excuses rather than passionately following God and the life he has bestowed upon us.

Cause at best, we don't know and its wearing us thin.

We cannot fix our own lives. We are not in charge of our own destiny.

There is hope! And it is not found in ourselves. Or in other people.

And we stare at the sun, but we never see anything there.

How foolish can you be? After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort? (Galations 3:3)

The sky is always wondering what are these arguments about? You think we would notice our eyes are burning out.

its coming down to nothing more than apathy

... I'd rather run the other way than wait and see.

My life is not what I expected it to be. I spend a lot of time being quietly frustrated with things I cannot change. I think I might be missing the big picture.

I miss being able to take the time. I miss living in the middle of everyone and everything.

I saw Into the Wild last night. I highly recommend it. But know that it's long. And it'll make you want to be a nomad.

I will miss Kt when she is gone.

I like my job, but not the owning part.

I like my customers. Tom. Todd. Jacob. The small double latte couple. The old folks from the Netherlands. Bert. Adam. Mary. Rick who brings me salad. The guy Stacey. Charles. The girls who work at Icing. Lindsay who's engaged to Brandon. Marsha. Larry. I miss Soo. I miss Mark. I miss Mike. I'm glad the crazy Nancy is gone. I worry about Linda and Mr. Linda. Norma used to be quite the night owl. Cindy's husband has USC season tickets. The man in the bowler's hat. Even Rusty.

I wish I could leave when I wanted and not feel guilty or like it might fall apart.

I won't miss that feeling when this is all over, but I will miss my people. The same way I miss my Columbia people. But in a less aggressive way, probably.

The good news is that I have a new outlet in my 1/2 bathroom. The odd news is that the whole house is "under construction". I hope they know I'm grateful.

I wish you were a stranger I could disengage. Everyone knows I'm in over my head.

i just want to go away with you

Oh, tie me up tightly by your side. So I may go with you where ever you reside.

New Orleans was amazing. It was so great to be able to spend days with friends that I haven't seen in awhile. It was very nice to be like real boyfriend and girlfriend for almost a whole week. I felt like a little part of Columbia had relocated in NOLA just for me. Just for the weekend. I realize that's not true, but it seems nice to believe.

The company was unbelievable. The music was spectacular (Mute Math, Sinead, Ben Harper, Spoon, Smashing Pumpkins, and so on). The food was delicious. The atmosphere was surprisingly relaxing. And my phone even stopped ringing after the first day.

Then I had to return Matt from where he came from. I've decided that the worst part of his not having a driver's license is not my going to pick him up, but my having to drop him off. I know when I get to wherever it is that I'm going to have to leave him and then drive home alone. It's yucky. My mom could tell you all about it.

And now I'm back. And I'm adjusting to my routine again. Right now I'm not waking up well and we don't have a bathroom in our hallway, so that's awkward. The store didn't burn down while I was gone and I'm just making sure everything is running smoothly. I'm worried about Thanksgiving, but that's still weeks away. And we'll survive. We always do.

Last night was Trick or Treating at the mall and we're still alive despite the craziness of the rude adults and the adorableness of the little children and the hilarity of my mom dressing like a cow. If we can do that, I mean really, we can do anything.

Soooo. That's my life in a very small nutshell. I posted about 180 pictures on Facebook from NOLA if you're interested. And, uh, Happy belated Halloween!

And anytime the road looks dimmer, I will be your guiding light.