is it in a plan. written in your hand.

Sometimes I doubt my ability to hold onto any emotion.

believe or understand
something other than
fear is blinding lights
squeeze my eyes so tight

My life changes so quickly. People are so permanent. And impermanent. Feelings seem to be as such. It creates such a rush of apathy. And then I scold myself for such a lacking.

If that makes sense.

At least God is not. [Temporary.]

These are the times when I feel both close and far. And then I get confused.

"Selective distortion is the tendency to twist information into personal meanings and interpret information in a way that will fit our preconceptions."

I will wait for you. Growing love, but like water, time will always slip through. I will wait for you, but please come soon.

if i'm gone when you wake up, please don't cry

I just got the news that a friend of mine from Charleston died in a fatal car crash last night. And that's really all I know. Please pray for the people she's left behind.

but time makes you bolder, even children get older

a message to a daughter as she is almost grown.

Did I tell you all that I meant to tell you, all that I felt was important? Did I tell you or was it lost in the shuffle of our everyday lives, the busy full days…

Did I tell you to love, not with a fair-weather love, but with a love that accepts and cherishes unconditionally. Love not with a quick and passing love, but with a love that is a quiet peace within your heart.

Did I tell you to be thoughtful? Not to be a martyr or a doormat to be trod upon, but to be aware of other people and their needs. To meet others with awareness and within your own framework, be able to meet them halfway and, on occasion, go the other half joyfully.

Did I tell you to be courteous? Not to display empty manners with no meaning, but to live the courtesy born of caring. And to express this caring through the small formalities and customs born of the years.

Did I tell you to be bold? To be not afraid of the unknown, but to live life to the fullest and meet each new experience with joy and anticipation.

And did I tell you to be cautious? To temper your daring and sense of adventure with good judgment and consideration.

Did I tell you to serve other people if only in a small way? There is growth and satisfaction in being part of something larger than yourself and your life will be richer for knowing this.

Did I tell you to maintain a sense of the past? To recall and uphold all that is best and meaningful in our country and in our society. But never be afraid to speak out where you don’t believe or where there is room for improvement. Work for what you believe, but work in a positive way within a structure of order and reason.

Did I tell you to find a part of nature that speaks to you? Then know it intimately and well. For some it is a mountain peak, for some a windswept beach. Find your own and in it find restoration.

Did I tell you to laugh, to dance, to sing? There is a lot in life that is hard, but take it as it comes and find the good. And make time to dance.

Did I tell you to be creative? To explore the seed within you. Find your creative spirit and let it grow.

And did I tell you the joy and challenge of being a woman. The joy of having a child, knowing and sharing a new life. The joy of making a home... the center, but not the limit for the lives of those you love. The joy of exploring a third dimension – a world of your own, discovering and fulfilling your own capabilities.

Did I tell you these things as we went along the way? If I did, I am humbly grateful. If I did not, then you must choose for yourself. If it has meaning, accept it and make it your own. If it does not, discard it. Your life is yours to build as you choose. And did I tell you…

I hope it will be a good life.

(by Elizabeth Knapp)

if we ever make a mess i'll do anything for you

Ok. I am a canoe.
And I miss my paddle partner.
I really like bell peppers.
I want an o-wahoo pizza.
And I'm mad at my marketing teacher.
And my finance exam review is like whoa.

lalalalalalalalalalala.
so much to say. so much to do. so much to see. so much. too much.
(uh oh. traffic jam. got more cars than a beach got sand. suck it up, suck it up, suck it up. fill it up until no more.)

no worries.

But the weather was lovely today.
And I walked through the Horseshoe and thought of everything lovely that I had ever done there and it made me happy.

I'm learning to do push ups. I can do lots of the girl kind. Not so much with the other way. But I am getting arm muscles. You should ask me to feel my arm next time you see me. It's like a rock.

Bonnaroo tickets go on sale tomorrow.
Rachel is making me dinner because she's lovely.

I'm walking away now.

If there's anything to say. If there's anything to do. If there's any other way. I'd do anything for you.

don't for a minute change the place you're in

Today I was overwhelmed by my lacking and by my future.

So scared of getting older. I'm only good at being young...

Once in awhile, when it's good, it'll feel like it should and they're all still around and you're still safe and sound and you don't miss a thing 'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

And then I was reminded...
My worth is not defined by how many interviews I receive. It is not defined by the coffee I drink. It is not defined by my relationships. It is not defined by how many times I talk to my boyfriend a week. It is not defined by the music I listen to. It is not defined by my GPA. It is not defined by the money I make.

I am none of those things and I am nothing without God.

My life. My present. My future. My worth.

These things which are important are defined by my faith and acceptance of Christ's love for me and his works through me.

Oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him - endless energy, boundless strength! (Ephesians 1:19, The Message)

I am the silence that is incomprehensible.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I’m supposed to be. The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

i'm adoring you. it's all good.

I served lunch today at the McCutchen House. Lovers at lunch. Oy. I wore red to get more tips. I figure that if Hallmark can capitalize on our affections for one another, then so can I.

It worked pretty well.

Rachel pulled coffee out of her purse today in class and that made me extremely amused and appreciative of her - moreso than normal.

My mommy sent me a valentine with a Target gift card - that's love. But she also reminded me that she loves me not just today, but everyday. And told me how proud she was of me.

We're not going to sell Wholly Cow. I'm staying. She's staying. And it's going to be amazing. Because together she and I are just like that.

I was also bestowed with a poem and some gummi jewelry by Tony and Alison. And Courtney bought me a mail order puppy. Or at least that is what I will continue to assume my surprise is.

I'm constantly surprised by the people who care about me and sometimes it takes a holiday for me to remember how truly loved I am or what an impact I seem to have made at times.

Tonight, I was at House Coffee studying (which I should be doing now) and I saw this guy/man - Micah who comes into Jammin Java and I said hi to him and talked about Charleston for a bit and talked about what I had ordered (double shot nonfat latte) and whatnot. When he left, he patted me on the back and waved. Then, Paige came up to me with a latte and a cookie and told me that Micah had ordered them for me before he left.

I felt really special. I've always wanted someone to do that for me.

And then I got a tulip. I love tulips. I really wanted a tulip today. And it made me happy.

So, I will not hate on Hallmark. I will appreciate the holiday as it has been given to me. I wish Matt could have been a part of it (I'm blaming the Air Force for that), but it's good to know that I have other people in my life who love me that much, too.

But there is no one who could wake my heart like this, could break my world in two. I felt a suddenness. I felt a suddenness. The day fell completely still. The dream was a lot like this, but I never knew until he came to meet me.

Happy Valentine's Day.

maybe we'll meet at a bar. he'll drive a funky car.

B stands for Boyfriend. Biloxi. And buffets.

I mean, I could think of other things, but those are the three words that really encapsulate my weekend. It was a lot of fun. And I'm really glad I got to meet Matt's friends there and see what he does - like do the Electric Slide.

The drive was long and boring which was expected, but the rest was certainly not. There are a lot of things I "learned" this weekend that I could type out, but no one would understand. It would seem silly. And, really, the highlight of it was Matt. We could have done absolutely nothing except stare at each other and it still would have been great. As a matter of fact, I think we actually did do some of that anyway. Hmm.

Oh yes. Biloxi has shopping outlets and Matt let me go and buy kitchen stuff. Actually, he encouraged it and then carried my bags. Yeah. He's pretty spectacular. I'm glad I'm his girlfriend.

And I will leave you with this: I want to know where Sea Monkeys come from.

well, i know that it's not easy, but you love me. you won't leave me.

It is 11:11. Please make a wish.

Today, I waited on a table of 17 very thirsty faculty members.
17 times 10 equals 170 times 0.20 equals 34 minus 6 equals 1 iced nonfat latte and 1/2 pound ground brazilian coffee (from immac).

The weather was lovely. And I walked and it was nice and I had good and meaningful conversation.

every little star. every little star. it starts somewhere.

I made cookies. Twice.
I ate some dough and now I feel sick.

I'm doing a study guide and then I'm going to Biloxi.

For some reason people think I'm saying Lexington when I say that and I'm not sure why.

Only about 20 percent of American adults reach the level three stage of moral development.

the dashboard melted but we still have the radio

WSJ: What advice would you give someone new in this (hospitality & restaurant) business?

Mr. Meyer:
Greatest business in the world, if...
A) you have a natural desire to please other people, B) You happen to love great food and wine, C) Understand that your restaurant can never be more successful than the quality of the people you hire.

i'd rather see the world from another angle

A couple of things...

Hugo and Meagan love the Shack kitchen more than anyone else.
(It loves them too. The trash can told me so.)
I hate group projects.
This time next week, I will be in Biloxi. Yay!
I have to be at work at 6am tomorrow. I might die.
Online research journals suck.
I have so much to do that I can't remember what it all is.
I can't believe I never wore rain boots before today.
The end.

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way.

everything leaves a mark

Hi.

I served for the first time today at the McCutchen House. A group of 18 which was actually 10ish who basically locked themselves in a room for a couple of hours. $20 tip. Divided by two. Minus 10% tip out to each back waiter... Equals $8 and a trip to Cool Beans.

Barista: Hi. What can I get for you?
Me: Can I have a triple shot soy latte with irish cream, but with half the syrup, please?
B: Absolutely.
M: I love you.

I'm not sure if that's exactly how the conversation went, but that's how I felt. And then I drank it and my headache went far away... Or at least to another room.

Class is delayed tomorrow until 11am. This is surprisingly obnoxious to me.

Also, I just finished a seven page environmental trend analysis on Starbucks. Interesting.

I'm glad it's February.