and so this is christmas

Christmas break is wonderful.

Right now there is no class and no work. And yesterday my only goal was to get the dust off of the ceiling in the hallway. (Success, by the way.) It's strange having nothing to do. Absolutely nothing. I filled my day appropriately with cleaning the porch, eating at Cool Beans, and hanging out with Corinne. She's such a lovely person for those of you who aren't aware.

I saw four dead squirrels on the Horseshoe. That was disturbing. It might be an epidemic. Also, I watched two movies last night. In a row. A perfect way to waste some time with Corinne and Lou.

I don't know why I put those two facts together. But Little Miss Sunshine was hilarious. I think it'll be even funnier the next time I watch it and the shock factor is missing.

And that's what I did with my day where I had nothing to do, but smile.

Me: Hey!
David: Hey! How are you? Must be good because you've probably been hanging out with Mr. Jones since I haven't heard from you in awhile.

The rest of break has been just wonderful as well. Matt Jones came home on the 23rd and I've been lucky to spend so much time with him. I actually think that I've seen him everday which will have spoiled me greatly by the time he leaves. And for those of you who knew about his gift. It went quite well. And he enjoyed it very much.

Have I ever mentioned how incredibly lucky I am? Because now might be the time to insert it if I haven't.

And now I sit eating a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, thinking about Michael and Ashley's Wedding today. I wonder how they're both feeling right now. Hmm.

Celebrate, we will! Cause life is short, but sweet for certain!

when the night falls we see the star of wonder

But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. (Luke 2:10-11, NIV)

i feel it in my fingers. i feel it in my toes.

I've been reading this quote for months.

I believe in absolute truth the way Jesus defines absolute truth. He is asked, "what is truth?" He says, "I am. What you're to get is an answer so you can feel right and I'm not going to give you that answer. You need to trust Me." - dmiller

my lipstick fades away

Aren't I lovely? And do you want me? Cause I am hungry for something that will make me real.

Captivating has explained so much to me. About myself. It's beautiful and frightening at the same time. I'm interested to see where the rest of this book takes me.

Can you see me? And do you love me? Cause I am desperately searching for something real.

Tonight I was struck by the knowledge that it is Christmastime, so I stopped at Walmart on my way back from the Wired Bean. Mistake. It was so busy. And I took my meager purchases to the front of the store and stood in line for a very long time.

The woman in front of me had tons of stuff. An overflowing buggy full of toys and tortilla chips. It took quite awhile to go through it all. When I quickly paid for my things and started to leave, the woman apologized to me for not letting me go ahead of her. I told her it was okay, that I didn't have anyone waiting for me at home and she obviously did.

She thanked me for being so understanding and I then I told her to have a Merry Christmas.

Then I was sad because I realized I had nothing except a dirty pile of clothes to go back to at my apartment. Oh well. At least now I have Christmas lights and little tree that needs me.

Then that whole feeling made me think of what Captivating had said about women being relational beings. And my whole evening came full circle. Weird.

I have the next two days off from life. And Matt Jones is coming home. I can't wait.

i miss you already. i miss you always.

I'm glad Eddie and his lyrics could reclaim a spot in my life with Alison.

I just sent Alison to China for a month. Three weeks-ish. This is the longest I will have been without her since we started living together.

Who is going to listen to me complain about work? Or help me decide if my outfit is cute? Who is going to be here to get excited for me on December 23? Who am I going to go to when Matt leaves again? I think I'm going to have to make my own hot tea and do my own dishes now.

Oh dear. I miss my roommate.

they dug me my very own garden...

... gave me sunshine, made me happy. Nice dream. If you think that you're strong enough. If you think that you belong enough.

Accounting final. Oy. I think I can say goodbye to my 4.0. Welcome back 3.9 gpa. Whatever.

There is still so much going on, but tonight was good and relaxed.

I went to the Wired Bean and spent time drinking coffee and hanging out with my friends. Rachel and I stayed until we got kicked out. I've never done that before. We went to Midnight Breakfast, too. Amazing. I'm so full, but it was totally worth it for the blueberry pancakes.

"And it's not just the desire for an outward beauty, but more - a desire to be captivating in the depths of who you are." - Stasi Eldredge.

And I started reading more of Captivating. It means more to me now than it did at the beginning of the summer when I stopped reading it. It talks about three desires of a woman's heart: to be romanced, to plan an irreplaceable role in a great adventure and to unveil beauty. And as I read it, I keep thinking how true it all is.

Sometimes we don't want to admit our desire to be loved or to be in a relationship that is important or even our longing to feel beautiful. It's not modern. It's not feminist nazism. It's not 21st century. But it is how God created our hearts.

I've only read one chapter (again) but I hope to learn more and share more this time around.

Tonight, I tell you this (and I hope you know and believe it in your heart) :

The King is enthralled by your beauty! (Psalm 45:11)

she was his girl. he was her boyfriend.

So I'm told, so the story goes...

I really really want to hear Dave play Christmas Song. Really. Really. Really. I don't know how else to convey how much I really want this to happen.

The people he knew were less than golden hearted. Gamblers and robbers, drinkers and jokers, all soul searchers like you and me. Searching for love love love. Love love love love love is all around.

Shack Ball was amazing. Courtney Jones was an excellent date through all three phases - Espresso. Dancing. More Espresso. There are pictures on Facebook to prove it.

Yesterday was a long and awkward work day, but I do so enjoy working with Amanda that the time didn't seem to creepy by so slowly. And last night was fun hanging out with the guys even if I thought I was going to have nightmares about Indians and ladybugs.

I'm still waiting on my box of Om even though I've already received two other boxes of tea from the company I ordered from. Speaking of tea, there is always this guy who comes into JJ with a little bag of herbs and calls it tea and wants us to give him a cup of hot water for it. I think it's just rosemary, but whatever it is, there are definitely no tea leaves involved.

Today, I finished a project on why smoking should be banned in restaurants. Now I'm studying for accounting. And I'm reading Captivating because I never finished it the first time around.

Tony and I babysat at the Shack tonight and I've decided that I really like children who lay in your lap or play with your hair. The kind that don't scream. Those are the best kinds of kids.

Preparations were made for his celebration day. He said "Eat this bread and think of it as me. Drink this wine and dream it will be..."

Also, it was confirmed that Matt Jones is wonderful as a person and as a boyfriend.

There has been so much going on and there is still so much going on. This week is exam week and I only have one exam and one presentation, but I'm still completely busy.

David's birthday is Tuesday involving sushi, so that's exciting. I work everyday this week and Alison goes to China on Friday. Then I go see Dave on Saturday, but have to drive back to work at Wholly Cow on Sunday and Monday, then it's back to work here until we close on Friday. Then Matt comes home! And I either leave that night or the next morning to work at Wholly Cow again.

I'm glad I'm working at a coffee shop.

I'm really excited about seeing my family and working with my mom. And I'm really excited about seeing Matt again - who, strangely, I have seen more often this semester than I have my Charleston folks.

I think I'll put up my Charlie Brown Christmas Tree this week. It needs me.

I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm cold. And I don't know how to fix this problem. Slippers. I think I'll buy some. And maybe some long johns. I'll wear them all the time. That's not strange, is it? When I have a home, I think I'll make sure it has a fireplace.

Father up above, why in all this anger do you fill me up with love love love?

Oh Lord, I pray for everyone and their stress levels this week. I pray for the craziness of exams and the holiday season. And I pray for patience for us all when we feel like it's crumbling around us. Oy. Because that's how it will feel eventually. I'm so glad your strength is made perfect in weakness. Thank you.

dark clouds may hang on me sometimes

... but I'll work it out. And then I look up at the sky, my mouth is open wide. Lick and taste. What's the use in worrying? What's the use in hurrying? Turn turn, we almost become dizzy.

We have cable. Who knew?

I am the Secretary of Coffee. I like that. And now I do music.

It's the end of the semester. I have one final and one group presentation, then I'm that much closer to graduation. I'm excited even though I'm not nearly ready to leave this life behind.

I have to make a 94 on my accounting final to make an A in the class. That means I'd have a 4.0 coming out of 18 hours. How ridiculous. I'm not going to hold my breathe. Plus, that's assuming my group presentation goes well. It's the pro side of banning smoking in restaurants.

Matt will be home in two weeks. A week and a half if you ask Rachel because she likes to lie to me to make me feel better.

Between now and then I'm gonna dance dance with my boyfriend's sister at the Shack Ball. I have to study and see people I haven't seen all semester. I'm going to work a whole bunch. Everyday, basically. I'm going to see Dave Matthews in Asheville with Kt! And I'm going home to work for my mom.

Speaking of - There was a shooting at the Citadel Mall on Wednesday night. In the food court bathrooms right behind our store. I don't know what that means for our employees or the mall or our business or my friend who is going to have to write that press release. People don't seem too concerned which is both good and bad, I suppose. My mom, I think, will be pretty reluctant to let me work alone at night while I'm there, but I'm actually not scared of dying while making espresso.

I'm anxious about some things right now. Some concerning myself. Some concerning others. I've decided all that I can do about it is pray.

He must become greater; I must become less. John 3:30

I want some slipper socks. Like the really expensive kind they sell at J Crew or the cheaper version they sell at American Eagle and Target. Maybe then our electric and gas bill wouldn't be so high... I can't wait to start reading books for fun in the upcoming month. I have a stack.

and I would have stayed up with you all night...

Thursday I worked and it was busy.
Friday I worked and it was kinda like hell.
Today (it's still Saturday to me) I worked and it was busy.

Good for Jammin Java. I apologize to my feet and my hands - especially the parts of them I accidentally sliced with a knife or saran wrap box. Or to my right hand that I poured freshly brewed coffee onto.

I went to Papa Jazz tonight. Bought a cd. Two, actually. Um. I can't remember the last time I bought a cd.

I went running to get rid of all the tension. It kinda worked. It was cold and my throat burned, but my palms were sweaty and chest cursed at me.

I love Alison. I respect her, too. I really enjoy sitting on my kitchen floor eating cheerios and talking to my roommate. I hope that carries onto our next home. I hope I do that with my kids one day. It seems like a good way to bond.

I make decisions based on my past experiences and the things I want to avoid in my future ones. I won't ever feel bad again about not going out to bars anymore.

I always take those damn surveys that ask what I regret. I usually answer, "I regret nothing. I like to think everything as life experience whether it was enjoyable or not." It's a cop out answer. But now I know. I know what I regret. And it didn't seem like a big deal at the time because it's what I wanted, but hearing stories and switching roles in my head - it breaks my heart. And I regret it.

(And just so you all know this is nothing recent. Ok, good. You can breathe now.)

Sometimes I wish I wasn't scared of blood and that I could be a doctor and that I could save lives. But I am scared of blood and it makes me want to puke and I won't save lives. Hopefully, I'll be able to make a difference one shot of espresso at a time.

I've been watching too much Grey's Anatomy. We have season one on dvd. I would like season two - for those of you looking for Christmas ideas. I watched four episodes. I screamed several times. And now I'm just glad that Patrick Dempsey got his big break. And that the show plays so much amazing music.

I wish we'd always wake up new, refreshed and born again with nothing left to lose. But we drink too much. Who needs a crutch? Pull off the bandage there's no wound.

I bought this stuff called Peanut Wonder - It's fake peanut butter. Seriously, it has 85% less fat and 40% less calories than the regular love of my life peanut butter. Seems too good to be true, right? Because it is. It's a $6 jar of disgusting. I miss my peanut fat.

This doesn't even make any sense and I need to go to bed.
I want chinese food.
Goodnight.