hello.

tim tam slam - i did these last night. my folks think i'm nuts.

they way i see it. they might be right.

and i painted my nails. they almost look like this.

i made cold brew coffee. i haven't tried it yet.

this capp looks good though. it's cold. i should have one.

hmm. decisions.

someone should buy me some matcha powder.

just saying.

i had coconut fro yo with mangos & strawberries tonight.

delish.

i like cold drinks & tropical smells.

gin&tonic.
with lime.
vodka&soda.
splash of oj.

my mom bought me a bottle of peach vodka.
i let my grandpa have some. hahaha.

iced soy two pump toffee nut caramel machiato.
iced soy one pump vanilla green tea latte.

feist (the reminder).
citizen cope (the clarence greenwood recordings).
jack's mannequin (everything in transit).
coldplay (viva la vida).
dave matthews band (big whiskey).
all make me think of summer.

i have WAY TOO MUCH music.

i am so ready for warm weather. i can hardly stand it.

The ocean breathes salty, won’t you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul
And maybe we’ll get lucky and we’ll both grow old
Well, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know
I hope so

(Modest Mouse)

THERE IS SO MUCH HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!

I was watching The Notebook (which I previously hated and never made me cry) while I was folding laundry (my absolute least favorite chore) last night and there was this shot of Allie in the bath that made me laugh and then I remembered that's what I was sort of like yesterday. Hahaha. So, I googled to get a screen cap, but alas. I did find this description from maryannknits which I hope paints a picture in your mind:

Do you remember when Allie (Rachel McAdams) is trying on her wedding dress, and she sees the picture of Noah in the paper, and then she faints? Right after that, she is in the bathtub with her veil on and a glass of liquor (brandy? sherry?). It made me laugh maniacally for a solid ten minutes (I hope that you can recall this scene, as google images has disappointed me in my hour of need).

At some point, I am certain I will be that same hot mess (complete with smeared mascara) in a claw foot tub.

Perhaps my only chance at sanity is for Ryan Gosling to swoop in and save me?

So, I read a little bit more of her blog (bc that's what I do when I'm procrastinating) and I found this little gem which perfectly describes December in the retail world. I actually laughed out loud.

Work got busy (post Black Friday fall-out coupled with a major Regional Manager visit) and I was tired, cranky, and working lots of extra hours. With extra work and the holiday season comes lots of sugary treats, which I LOVE, but my energy level HATES. By the time I got home at 6 or 7 at night, I was tired from being on my feet all day, but more importantly, I hadn't fueled (the closest I came to eating a leafy green was a Reese's tree...) or hydrated (apparently, a constant intake of venti caramel macchiatos and Diet Coke actually DE-hydrate you, but I'm still in denial) my body appropriately enough to be able to take on even the most manageable run. (maryannknits)

Life is nuts, but I don't feel like going into it. On a lighter note, Costco sells my favorite gum (Extra Fruit Sensations Sweet Watermelon) in a value pack! Yes, I'm addicted bc of The Biggest Loser. And, I've gotten a trainer at the gym. Bahahaha. Ok, I'm going to be late for work.

Love you all for reading my rambles. xo.

bubble bath.
book.
pinot noir.
candles.
iron & wine.


lovely. xo.

i think a lot. and i like to ask a lot of questions. sometimes they're appropriate. sometimes they're not. that's the beauty of knowing me. hmmm.

via heartbeat city:

things that might keep you from falling asleep if you live in new york:

everything,

specifically:

the book you read until 2am

the blog you read until 2am

it’s 2am and you have to get up at 7am

and you just want to keep reading.

the people you don’t live with

the people you don’t sleep with

the people you swear you could fall asleep to

if only they were here.

your plans for tomorrow

your plans for today

the places where all the goddamn hours go to

the hope of somewhere good.

these are things that will keep you up at night anywhere. they keep me awake all the time. and all of the questions i haven't asked yet.

tell me, what can i say? tell me, what can i do? can i make you stay? can i hit undo? tell me, is there a way? because i don't have a clue. can i make you stay? can i hit undooo? (guy sebastian, undo)

turn it up until you can't rock anymore

eff. how did i not hear this song until now? i can't lie. i love miley cyrus.

what if my hair was this color? or had highlights this color? thoughts?

I don't really watch tv on a regular basis. I like The Biggest Loser (this season) and I like to be home for Grey's and Private Practice. I don't make my schedule around them though. The only show I ever really did that for was Gilmore Girls - I missed one episode in 7 seasons and didn't see it until it was on dvd.

My point is that I don't really care, most of the time, about television. I don't follow what happens to shows. I don't really watch the news because it's sad. And I am usually facebooking or blogging by the time The Tonight Show comes on. I don't know what happened with Conan and NBC. I don't know if I'll ever know.

What I do know, however, is that I respect him and his separation from the network. And I respect his farewell and think it's something we should all remember.

"All I ask of you, especially young people... is one thing. Please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you, amazing things will happen."- Conan O'Brien

you make me feel weak. it drives me insane.

just to make it harder, they cancelled today.
go back to tomorrow and come back yesterday.

... tell me four more times how you want me around.

confession: groups of people scare the shit out of me. i hate meeting new people. it makes me super nervous. i'm not kidding. i don't know how i excel at my job(s).

i worked today. and went to metto. and read some crazy love. and journaled. and cleaned... at least got my laundry put away. and ate tofurky kielbasa. watched funny television. and now i'm going to bed.

btw. spellchecker wants to turn "tofurky" into the word "turkey". clearly it is not vegetarian friendly.

listen to spaceman - dmb. and pearl jam - wishlist. xo.

i didn't have a very good day today.

but i found a friend to vent at. and i ran it out.

and i remembered that tomorrow is a new day.

thank goodness.

it's so weird - hindsight - looking into the past. i feel like it actually helps me live in my present. to forgive and forget and learn and move on.

i've learned a lot over the past two days.

mostly, that people are just people and you love them in spite of themselves. no one is perfect and we all make mistakes or have bad habits, but you don't give up on them. and you don't kick them while they're down. you just love them.

and sometimes it's hard and you don't want to. and sometimes it's easy and you don't want to. and sometimes it's neither. it's simply as natural as breathing. i'm not sure which scenario is most beautiful.

life is surprising.



ps. did anyone watch grey's or private practice? these shows keep toying with my heart strings. plus, they make me want to eat truffles & drink wine.

lifehouse - all in all

Sometimes I think John Mayer is a tool... then he picks up a guitar & sings.

Dear John,

I know I've always been very on again/off again with my love for you and I apologize for stringing you along. However, after reading this article in Rolling Stone, I would like to make it very clear to you that I would prefer you only open your mouth to sing. The rest of your words are mostly disappointing. Thank you for understanding and I look forward to seeing you perform in February.

xoxo, Erin

LORELAI: Someday you'll meet someone, and you'll just know it’s right. You won't want to hesitate. You'll just know.

RORY: I hope so.

LORELAI: I really do believe it.

RORY: So I guess no avocado trees.

LORELAI: Well, no avocado tree.

RORY: You know, I think I'll get my own avocado tree.

LORELAI: See? You could get your own cherry tree, get your own peanut tree, just have peanut butter all day long.

RORY: Peanuts don't grown on trees. They grow under the ground.

LORELAI: Whatever. My point is you can have anything you want.

RORY: Oh, yes. It’s wide open.

LORELAI: What do you mean, peanuts don't grow on trees?

RORY: Mom, trust me. I'm a college graduate.

and it stings when it nobody's fault

i have four boxes of crap from the attic - and by crap, i mean half photos & memories and half crap. most of it is from junior & senior year of high school. a little bit is from my freshman year of college.

i also rediscovered my old blog - the live journal - which i started at the end of my freshman year of college. and my old webshots from freshman & sophomore year. hahaha.

between all this stuff, all i can say is wow. it's amazing who i was then and who i am now. it's amazing who everyone else was then and who they are now. a lot of these people are still a part of my life in some capacity. it's weird to see their roles then versus now.

change is weird. and sometimes it comes full circle which is strange, too. i think change is my word of the year. i've never had a word of the year before, but there is a first time for everything. wouldn't you agree?

"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor or those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person." - William Somerset Maugham

so i'll check the weather wherever you are 'cause i wanna know if you can see the stars tonight.

this is how i feel when i wake up. every.single.morning. blast.

then i went outside & it was BEAUTIFUL! happy to be up and at it again.

i would like the weather to be like this always. yes, please. PS. that is an iced soy green tea latte from the world's most underwhelming starbucks, but i keep going back. masochist.

pros: the man sitting outside next to me was playing john mayer and dmb from his phone. also, he and his friend were smoking... that and the smell of coffee makes me happy. don't ask why, just accept it. i have. also, the guy who works there is adorable and plays arcade fire out of his car while on his break.

cons: they're not very friendly. and my drinks aren't always good. and the airplanes from the base are loud (even though they're cool to look at).

the perils of online dating

me: eff that noise

what if he was extra strength crazy?

Rachel: word

me: i'd rather be alone forever, then date a serial killer.

Rachel: hahahha. aaaaagreeed.

me: actually, i'd rather be alone forever than date a serial killer.

the then changes the entire context and then i'm screwed.

Rachel: hahahahaa. i didn't even notice

me: that's bc my serial killer boyfriend got us in our sleep.

i'm wide awake and so alive

Just push me 'til I have to fly. I've shed my skins, my scars.

the weather today was lovely.
i'm ready for sunny days & warm weather.

i got to partake of restaurant week at SNOB.
besides the company, dessert was the best part.
chocolate deliciousness with fresh berries.
(i LOVE berries. another reason to be ready for summer.)
more culinary adventures on tuesday.

i'm supposed to be self assessing myself for work.
i've got highlighters and everything.

i want to move to the west coast & live on the beach.
and drink wine with my friends.

or maybe just move to nola and drink beer on the levee.

i went back to the gym this week.
ouch.

lots of new stuff going on. lots of changes happening.

i have to remember to focus. keep my eye on the prize.

i'm listening to matt nathanson and my room smells like black currant vanilla and i love ferrero rocher truffles and vitaminwater10. ok. that's all.

I want to feel the car crash 'cause I'm dying on the inside. I want to let go and know that I'll be alright, alright.

xo.

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Change, as we all know, is uncomfortable. It's up to you to respond... to adjust how you live daily or to stay the same. - Francis Chan

note: this is one of my most shallow posts ever,

but i've been watching a lot of the oc. and i must confess...

adam brody is thirty. and nerdy. and adorable. and i love him. i do.

"Then I moved to Hollywood and realized that reading and drinking coffee are where its at... So I became more nerdy and embraced my neurotic side." - Adam Brody

i hope, one day, i meet a man just like him. happily ever after.

... hey now, this is my desire. consume me like a fire
'cause i just want something beautiful to touch me...

i'll fold every failure into a crane

Hoping & Wishing : January 3, 2010
via Crosstowne Online Audio Archive

I've had a lot of discussion about change recently... in all aspects of my life. Work. Relationships. Spiritual. Physical. It's overwhelming to think about. Probably even more overwhelming to work on all of it. Change is hard, but I know I have to prepare myself for it - whatever it may be.

"Start doing the things that look like what you want to change into... A wish is an unfulfilled want. A Hope, hope is the fruit of desire and the action for change. A hope." - Paul Rienzo

"But the great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not. It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him." C S Lewis (Mere Christianity)

via adventures of mascarah :

(matt white - wait for love)

This is one of my breakup songs. The ones I listen to on repeat when I just feel, well…lost. I even have a playlist :) I blogged this song almost a year ago (February 10, to be exact), when I was feeling the same way I feel now. I try not to talk about what I’m going through personally on here, I just feel like that’s a line that I don’t want to cross. But I can tell you (we’re friends, right?) that within the past year I’ve had my heart hurt. Twice.

I have so many friends in the same boat, recently with their hearts shattered by disappointment and hurt and betrayal. Why does this happen? Why do the ones we choose to love let us down? Why isn’t it easier? Why does it hurt so badly? Why can’t they just give us the love and respect we give them?

I never thought I’d grow up to be almost 29 and have such a skeptical view on love. I want so much to believe that it (all the bad) happens because we haven’t found the right person. And that going through those things helps us really learn what love is. And when we finally meet that special one, it will be so amazing. And all the other relationships we thought were so devastating will pale in comparison.

life's a dance you learn as you go

like my new shirt? alison brought it back from canada. it says "i like you a latte". hahaha. love it.

it's impossible to ignore you

Because sometimes you have something you need to say but you can't because the words won't come out or you get scared or you feel stupid, so if you could write a song and sing it then you could say what you need to say and it would be beautiful and people would listen and you wouldn't make a complete idiot out of yourself, but all of us can't be songwriters so some of us will never be able to say what we're thinking or what we want other people to know that we're thinking so we'll never get the chance to make things right again ever. - Rory (Love, Daisies, & Troubadours)

must you make me laugh so much? it's bad enough we get along so well. say goodnight and go.

just trying to change the color on your mood ring

2010. No resolutions, but I've got some goals. I don't miss 2009. I'm also not glad it's gone. However, I do enjoy the blank slate that a new year provides.

• I want to finish the Harry Potter books. I'm on five now, so that shouldn't be hard (especially now that the holidays are over). I would like to read Crazy Love & A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. There are some others, but I won't list them all.

• I would like to learn to wake up when my alarm goes off. That's a skill I've yet to acquire in life.
  

• I think it would be cool to run 5 miles without wanting to die. I don't know if that's a goal I want to take on or not though. But I think I used to be "healthier" and I would like to be again. Is that actually a resolution? Hmph. Run Walk, maybe?
  

• I want to see John Mayer in concert. And I will. February 8. Yesss.

• I would like to start my retirement & savings plan with Limited Brands, as well as add $1000 to my savings account while continuing to put money in my IRA.

• I plan on traveling to the West Coast. I want to start in Nevada City, CA and work my way down to San Diego. Epic.

• Go to Nola. For no reason other than I want to and I can.
  

• I have a lot of friends getting married this year. I would like to be at all of those weddings. I hope they have cupcakes & dancing & general merriment.

• Spiritual Life. Get one again.
  

And, last, but certainly not least...

• I want to become a Co-Manager at Bath & Body Works. That's going to be a lot of work, but I know I can do it and I have a lot of people standing behind me.

I hope along the way I'm happy & I make good friends & encourage people & change a few lives. Sometimes those are things that cannot be known & measured, but I hope other people can see it & feel it.

Happy 2010. May it surprise you...

happy new year to you... "May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." - Neil Gaiman