trying to figure out what to do with these memories

Remember all those hours laughing on the floor?
Those days of doing nothing felt like nothing did before?

I can't stop sneezing. All day. It's awful.

Today was free scoop day!

And I Nine's new album came out. I like being supportive.

I'm reliving all sorts of college memories right now.

I'm working two jobs. And my car needs to be fixed.

And it's almost Kt's Birthday!

And I miss Matt. A lot. I'll see him one day and it'll be magical. Yes, that is the correct adjective.

This is completely random.

I wonder where you've gone. Have you fallen in a black hole?

but i don't care what they say

Truth time... I like watching Vh1 top twenty. For serious. The new Matchbox 20 video releases a million balloons.

I coffee shop stalked today. Kudu. Metto. Starbucks. Dunkin Doughnuts. So many prices to compare. So much caffeine to intake. Ack. Ack. Ack.

From The Geography of Bliss:

"I think America is one of the most stressed countries in the world. You think you need money to buy happiness. You hire people to do everything, even to mow your lawn. Here [Thailand], even wealthy people do that themselves. We think it's fun."

"... they would make thousands and thousands of paper cranes and drop them from airplanes as a peace gesture. 'They basically bombed the south with these paper cranes,' says Scott, incredulously. 'It was the most bizarre thing I've ever seen.'"


... But nothing’s greater than the rush that comes with your embrace.

they will see us waving from such great heights

I'm thinking its a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.

from: http://wreckthisjournal.com/

This book was created for anyone who has ever had trouble starting/keeping or finishing a journal/sketchbook. By forcing ourselves to wreck it on purpose, the “journal as an object” loses it’s preciousness, and allows us the feeling of completion. This book was created for every person who has looked at other artist’s journals and said, “I wish I could do that. I’ve started dozens of them but didn’t stick with it.” or, “But the journal itself is so beautiful, I don’t want to wreck it with my ideas/handwriting/drawings.” Or, “I feel pressured to write something good.”

In this book good does not exist. The goal is to fill it up, to shift your perception of the blank page and the journal itself into a place for experimentation. Into a place where you just get stuff out onto the page. A place to start working against your better judgment. To do those things you were taught to never do (make a mess, destroy, fold down pages, write in books, play with dirt). This book IS the place.

Each page of Wreck This Journal is filled with prompts telling you how to systematically ‘destroy’ the entire book.

True, it may seem like a stretch, but its thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away, when I'm missing you to death.

i'm on the right side with you

i don't need another kind of green to know

i feel it all. i feel it all. i love you more.

I don't know what I knew before, but now I know I want to win the war.

Life is (generally) [quite] good.

There are a few things beyond my control. Way beyond my control. Things that I would like to have control of, but... I don't. So, I will work hard (yay visual standards!). And I will learn more (like how you win a match in tennis). And I will practice patience. And I will wear more sunscreen when I spend all day outside (ouch).

I'm going to get coffee.

No one likes to take a test. Sometimes we don't pull or flex. Put your weight against the door. Kick drum on the basement floor.

oh crystal ball, crystal ball

Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball. Save us all, tell me life is beautiful, mirror, mirror on the wall.

It has been over a week since I blogged. Wowza.

This morning Matt called to tell me good morning and give me compliments (really, he is getting a lot today because he's an amazing airman and is getting lots of awards). And Tom brought me chocolate covered strawberries at work. Plus, I got off work at noon. Today has been good so far.

I'm living downtown again. I like it. It's weird being alone at night though.

It's weird to share your personal space with someone - to take another person and their habits and quirks and mix them with your own habits and quirks. It works somehow though. That's good.

Poor CiCi is quite sick. She may have lymphoma. All I actually know is that her joints/muscles aren't working very well and its sad. I wonder if she's in pain.

Today I talked to Matt Jones, Matt Carrowan, David and Rachel. I love all four of those people very much. Sometimes I'm scared of being phased out of people's lives. I hope that never actually happens.

I can't wait for June and Matt and Bonnaroo. I can't wait for July for Dave. I had my espresso machine re-hauled. Starbucks has a new roast that I haven't tried yet. I might be buying a pretty and expensive purse. The Farmer's Market opens tomorrow! Explosions in the Sky is playing tomorrow, too! And I strongly recommend Abita Strawberry Harvest.

I guess lots of other things have been going on with work and personally, but I'm not feeling like pulling it all out right now, so you may never ever hear about them. Sorry.

I want to live a simpler life. Less stuff. Less responsibility. I want to move and be free to move again if I want. Sort of like college, but without the classes holding me back. Maybe I want to go back to school. Maybe I don't. I don't think I miss classes. I think I miss Columbia and my freedom and my friends.

So, really, I have no clue what the hell I'm doing with the rest of my life. Hmph. Any ideas? I'm totally open to suggestions...

"College was easier than life. I'd like it back now." - Rachel

Oh, crystal ball, hear my song. I'm fading out, everything I know is wrong, so put me where I belong.

and it rained all night and then all day

Six word biography: Living on caffeine and Thom Yorke.

My espresso machine is being fixed at 7:30am...

This month, I'm buying only food and necessities. This is difficult.

I can see you, but I can never reach you.

and it's beginning to get to me...

That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head.

They say everything happens for a reason. And what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. The hard part is not becoming callous or apathetic because it's so easy to find yourself there. I've done some difficult things recently. I've had some friends meltdown. I've listened to frustration with no end in sight. So, what do you do?

You hang on or let go. You decide whether you're in it for the long haul. You run the red light. You follow your bliss.

I wish life was simple and that everyone was happy and where they wanted to be and who they wanted to be with. I wish there was no doubt or disappointment or sadness.

I believe in happily ever after. I just wish it would hurry up.

We need to feel breathless with love
And not collapsed under its weight.
I'm gasping for the air to fill
My lungs with everything I've lost.

so much to say. so much to say.

uh oh traffic jam.

A lot has happened. I've been busy. And continue to be busy. So many people and so many events to share and do. But I wanted to share one thing with you all (from a movie I have yet to see)... I hope you enjoy.



And I hope you're happier than a pigeon with a french fry.

and I can't react

Today was ridiculous.
New job. Scary.
Old job. Disappointing.
The real world is a crazy place.
I miss Matt.
I like good nonfat capp foam.
Tomorrow will be quite productive.

Take this sinking boat and point it home. We've still got time.

beautiful are the words spoken to me

"Woman," he said, "why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?" Thinking he was the gardener, she said, "Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him."

Jesus said to her, "Mary." She turned toward him and cried out "Rabboni!"

Jesus said, "Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, 'I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.' "

John 20:15-17

And beautiful is the One who is speaking.

when it all comes down you're cycling trivialities

43things helps me get things done.
So does the little tiny list I make everyday.

I'm going to enjoy this weekend.
I'm not going to stress out. I'm going to get things done.
I'm going to put away all my laundry.
And I'm going to clean my house while the family is away.

I have a lot of books. Some I bought. Some were gifts.
Some I would like to read. Some I should read.
And I'm not so sure about the rest...

To read: (finish) The Geography of Bliss, PS I Love You, Good Omens, Stuart: A Life Backwards, Oh the Glory of it All, The Nasty Bits, Captivating (all the way through), Sacred Sex (because my Mom wants me to), Kite Runner, A Long Way Gone, Everything is Illuminated, Stranger Than Fiction, 1984, Beach Music, Harry Potters 1-6, Jarhead (maybe, but Joe is deploying so maybe not).

There are other books on my shelf, but not that I have the overwhelming desire or guilt to read. Oh, Through Painted Deserts, too. Because that belongs to Bob - Sorry, Bob.

But, yeah, so that's a lot of books. I need to get cracking.

I got a new job. I'll be working at Bath and Body Works to get some time away from Wholly Cow. Mostly so I don't have to pay myself - makes me feel bad. And then I can give others more hours that they want.

I miss Matt. I'm glad he gets to do Honor Guard and that he's taking classes, but I miss him. One day, we will live in the same city again and it will be great!

I want to take a hot yoga class. Anybody with me?

Interesting: http://betterme.org/cleansweep.html

Don't know which way to turn. Every trifle becoming big concerns. All this time you were chasing dreams, without knowing what you wanted them to mean.

you're on fire when he's near

don't let your soul get lonely child

It's only time, it will go by. Don't look for love in faces, places. It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness.

Growing up and moving on. Holding on and letting go. All these things require a delicate balance. Work. Home. Relationships. Hope. Expectation. Things aren't always as they seem or as you would like. Sometimes you have to continue forward in the direction of your life.

I realize this is all very vague, but these are all thoughts that have come to fruition over the past hour and a half of some good and frustrating conversation... I write about this a lot.

I mean, a lot of problems are with myself. Maybe I should stop allowing other people to affect me and I should build my wall up tall and strong again. Maybe I need less talk and more action. I don't know. I suppose I'll figure it out one day. Soon. I hope.

I'm not upset or mad. I'm just confused. Perhaps that's life as a twenty-something.

Don't lose your faith in me and I will try not to lose faith in you. Don't put your trust in walls 'cause walls will only crush you when they fall.

Be here now, here now.

we ain't together, but you stay with me

The Fellowship of the Believers

They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved. [Acts 2:42-47]

but there is none

I couldn't find you last night for quite some time. Wishing to tell you everything running through my mind.

"I love my family so much. But, to love just isn't enough. It must be active, constantly active and often spoken." - G Curry

Satiate my mind and calm my nerves to look and find words that aren’t enough and never show a single piece, a single piece of my mind.

'cause it's all in my head

Maybe it's because Hanneke left.
Maybe it's because of the cd I found from 11.22.2004.
Maybe it's because of discussion of old flames.
Maybe it's because of the old blog entries about old friends.
Maybe it's because I wish I had finished that poli sci minor.
Maybe it's because of the reality of the present.

I am mourning the loss of my freshman and sophomore years of college.

I think about it over and over again. I can't go on not loving you.

there's a corner of your heart for me.

I started my cleanse today.
And I quit my cleanse today.

I would rather starve myself than drink that mix.

And that's not healthy.

I have a massive list of things to do tomorrow. Ack.

Tonight, Rebecca and I read It's Not Easy Being a Bunny and If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. Simple for both of us, yet so enjoyable.

Sometimes I think its not fair and I want to forget all of my past and all of your past and live only right now in this moment. Is that silly?

There's one minute of your day. I will leave this man just to occupy one minute of your day. Just to occupy one minute of your day.

i like it in the city when two worlds collide

I've been walking in the same way as I did... "I ain't lost, just wandering."

Yesterday, I watched two movies. Well, one and a half. And they were both about having affairs. They both made me very upset. So upset that Matt offered to let us leave The Other Boleyn Girl. And the other movie was called Unfaithful (I think) with Diane Lane and Richard Gere. I fell asleep during it.

Both were depressing and involved fatal head injuries. I'm longing for a good cinderella-esque movie where everyone lives happily ever after.

I would like to live happily ever after.

Matt came yesterday - very early - and I enjoyed every moment. I didn't cry when he left. I just watched that stupid Unfaithful movie and then when my mom asked me if I was ok, all I could say was "I miss Matt." Being a girl is ridiculous sometimes.

I had the honey latte at Starbucks. Tall two pump nonfat. It was good. I would drink it again. Not for the next ten days because Kt and I are doing a cleanse. I'm a little worried, but I still want to do it.

I'm being made over on Tuesday.

And I think I successfully locked our wireless internet, but, in the process, locked my computer off the network. Ugh.

I feel trapped.

Round my hometown, memories are fresh. Round my hometown, ooh the people I've met are the wonders of my world.