Sunday, October 03, 2010

i have a song by the killers stuck in my head.

all these things that i've done.

i just thought i should mention that.

so, it seems quite a bit of time has passed since my last blog.

and you all certainly mentioned it. my apologies.

tonight, i'm in columbia bc my friend tony is turning thirty (tomorrow). what a big event. turning thirty seems crazy to me bc it's five years away. five years is a long time. although, i feel quite certain that i will feel like today was just yesterday when i actually hit the digits myself. did that make sense?

anyway, i love columbia. i do. i love my friends here. i love that it feels like home no matter what. no matter how long i've been gone. no matter what has happened. no matter who is here. i feel like columbia is where i grew up and the city embraced me through four very awkward and formative years. so very kind.

i suppose i should update you all on my life at the moment.

i moved to a new store (again). i work at the bath & body works at tanger outlets. we're not an outlet store. just a store at the outlets. this is infuriating to some people. some people are infuriating to me. it all evens out in the end.

it's really stressful though. it's high traffic, but not doing the comparative volume in sales. operationally, it needs some tweaking. and talent wise, well, we need some associates. anyone looking for part time work? i need you to be responsible, hard working & dependable. i would also prefer it if you liked to take ownership over your work. please & thank you.

also, i recently had a boyfriend & lost a boyfriend. and by lost, i mean i broke up with him. he's a really great guy. nice. attractive. attentive. so, why did i break up with him? well, we're different people in different places in our lives. it's hard to describe, but it didn't feel right to keep dating him when i wasn't as invested as i should have been. it also doesn't feel right for me to have gone 24 hours without talking to him or seeing him. and i'm sure it won't feel right when i go home tomorrow either. but that's life and you deal with it.

it's weird how you can be both so sure and unsure of things at the exact same time. maybe, deep down, i'm just afraid of being alone. or maybe, deep down, i'm just afraid to let someone in. i'm not sure. but they say you'll know it when it happens. so, i'll go with that explanation and just wait for now.

in one month, i'll be in my new home. i wonder if i'll love living alone? i wonder if i'll be lonely? i wonder if i'll be too busy to notice? i wonder if people will come over often? i wonder a lot of things. i probably shouldn't do that. i wonder about things a lot.

you know what i miss though... being in wonder of things.

i've been going to this small group at church on wednesday nights and i know what i'm missing. i know what i need to be doing and i need to just do it. that's how i'll get the wonder back. that's how i'll get true perspective back. that's how i'll get direction back. that's how i'll get motivation back. i know. i just need to do it. i need to own my own faith. to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. to be held accountable. to be pushed. i wonder if i can do that on my own.

i'm stubbornly independent sometimes. oy.

um. i looked at some master's programs. retail. maybe. i don't think i really want to go back to school though. it would cost me money this time.

and last, but not least, i'm considering eating poultry again. 

well, it looks like i just wrote a short novel on all the things that have been rolling around in my head. maybe this will help make it clearer. maybe not. there is a lot going on right now and a lot that will be going on in the next couple of days. weeks. months.

and maybe now i'll watch LOST bc i am pretty far behind. or catch up on blogs. oh how i've neglected my google reader. my life is messy right now. hmph.


Anonymous said...

i watched "Food, Inc." for the first time a couple days ago and decided that if i do eat meat (which happens on occasion, i won't lie) it will only be from local, sustainable sources. if you haven't seen it, it's on Instant Watch via Netflix.

bubbles and gumdrops.

Charles Robinson said...

I'm sorry, happy, glad, sad, and thrilled for you. :-) Do things in your own time, in your own way. The wisdom of the crowds is overrated.

Spudart said...

Also being very independent, i can relate.

i also go to a small group on wednesday nights. the studies are good. i probably don't get involved enough outside of group.

i've been trying to find perspective on my art. also trying to find motivation. I've been wondering about my reasons for making art. And how I desire an artist community, but one that's of a Christian faith.

And i'm also behind on Lost. I should get a netflix account or something to catch up.

Spudart said...

oh and i also broke up with someone too. for similar reasons. i think maybe i'm just too independent. I find myself thinking why I end up with people who are more dependent. Or perhaps they are just normal and i'm the one who skews over too far to the independent range. But then i think maybe i'm in the healthy range, because I don't HAAAAVE to be with someone. But then again, maybe we should have to be with someone.

and i struggle with introvert issues. But it's been a consolence reading "Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture"