irony is hating love

a friend bought me the new p!nk cd today and dropped it off while i was working. i like it a lot because it's real. and catchy, of course. but this song is what i'm holding onto at the moment.

Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
and a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace, and
I’m learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.

(P!nk. Crystal Ball.)

i'm on the verge. i'm on the verge.

I come undone, oh yes, I do. Just think of all the thoughts wasted on you.

I think I too often judge my days by what I accomplish or how much I get done. I make a list and the day is not complete unless I cross off at least half of the things I have "to do". Why is that? When did I become so wrapped up in what I can do instead of just enjoying what I've done?

Today, I worked a lot and went to a small group, but I'd like to think of my victories as the yoga I did this morning, the moments I shared with friends and the cup of tea I'm drinking right now - ginseng peppermint for those of you who are interested. All thirteen hours of my day spent away from home and that is what it boils down to for me.

I would like to be one of those people who lives simply.

I would like to be one of those people who finds joy in the mundane as much as in the excitement. I would like to be one those people who recognizes God in everyday things rather than just in the big things. I would like to be one of those people who is more in tune with themselves - my body, my spirit, my mind. I would like to be one of those people who lives for others in the midst of living myself. I would like to be one of those people who doesn't see everything I do as a task or a chore. I would like to be one those people who doesn't make every new encounter into something awkward.

I would like to be one of those people who lives simply.

Does that make sense at all?

I don't know what I ramble on about half the time. And I suppose that's okay. But now I'm going to sleep in my warm little, heated mattress pad bed. Praise for the little things.

Also, this picture is from simply breakfast. It makes me think of fall. And it makes me want to drink chai every morning and eat nuts and yogurt and oatmeal for every meal.

I am aware I've been misled. I disconnect my heart, my head. Don't wanna recognize when things go bad, the things that you'll accept. Except that I am... I'm finding the words.

be patient. i am getting to the point.

"i beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..."

as i search for the resolution

there's a lot that i don't know. there's a lot that i'm still learning. but i think i'm letting go. find my body. it's still burning.

i feel like i've done a lot of flopping around the past three months.

i have a plan now. short term.

and if that works out, then i have a (temporary) long term goal.

also, i just want to be friends. with everyone.

and the bars are finally closed, so i try living in the moment.

new jack's mannequin cd is out. spinning and the resolution are my favorite tracks. everything in transit is a much better album though. much better. much.

and you hold me down. yeah, you hold me down.

i'm alive and i don't need a witness to know that i survived.

c'mon, just snap, snap, snap your fingers for me

good good day.

i played hooky from both jobs.

i went to the dealer. i had starbucks with kt. and bread and cheese for breakfast. good conversation. picked up my race packet. went to the outlets. bangs trimmed. walked the bridge (it takes one hour and ten minutes). got sushi and other stuff at whole foods. received six free tickets to see chris thile and edgar meyer. ate sushi. saw wall sized hanson poster from their mmmbop days. went to the show with friends. heard a song about a spider monkey who was hungry so he ate some goat cheese and slipped into a goat cheese coma until he had some coffee and then he fell in love. ate ice cream from cold stone with blueberries and oreos. came home and put some laundry in the washer. typed a blog in all lowercase letters.

the end.

tomorrow i race for the cure!

good, good, now we're making some progress. come on just tap, tap, tap your toes to the beat.

it doesn't hurt me

You wanna feel how it feels? You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me? You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?

Someone told me I don't smile anymore.

That's not true.

I smile now when I really want to... when something really makes me happy or amuses me. Why? Because I spent a lot of time smiling because I thought I was supposed to - that no matter how I felt, I was supposed to put it aside and smile and make it work.

So, I don't smile as much. That's fine. But know that when I do, it's because I want to and not because I felt like you made me.

You and me won't be unhappy. And if I only could make a deal with God and get him to swap our places. Be running up that road. Be running up that hill. With no problems...

then making a wish he tossed in the sea

I just wanted to say hi.

I've been really busy... with work. with friends. with other work. with trying to sleep. with finishing The OC. and with laundry - I feel like that is a never ending battle for me. oy.

I have a lot to look forward to and prepare for in the next couple of months, so it should be interesting. and exciting. and stressful - because that never seems to go away.

I read a Real Simple magazine the other day because I realized that I always bought them and never read them and that defeated the purpose of simplifying my life because all that happened was that I collected a giant pile of unread magazines in my room.

So it inspired me to throw out all my old makeup and get some new (less amounts) of the things that I needed. I like it. It is, in fact, simpler. I'm glad the magazine lives up to it's name.

Also, there are a thousand little lambies at Bath and Body Works - free with a $15 purchase. Adorable, yes? Yes. Kt and I bought big ones, so I finally have a new stuffed animal. It's perfect. It's name is Kirk - go figure.

Oh. And I'm addicted to ringtones right now. It's an expensive little habit I've picked up. Ack.

Alright, well, it looks like I'm going to be late for work - as I haven't even showered yet. Awesome.

live through this and you won't look back

peace... it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

I am so much and have so much to look forward to... I'm starting to take baby steps toward the person I want to be. It's a lot harder than I thought, but I'm doing alright, I think.

and he said to me... "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me."

There's one thing I have to say so I'll be brave. You were what I wanted. I gave what I gave. I'm not sorry I met you. I'm not sorry it's over. I'm not sorry there's nothing to save.