I have a morning routine-ish. It's more that I'm not willing to jump immediately out of bed. (Even though I slept TEN HOURS last night.) So, I grab my trusty macbook air, check email, FB, and message Nate if I know he's awake. This has lasted an hour today. I feel like so much happens while I'm sleeping that I need time to catch up on it.

I read a lot of blogs - although I recently shed a lot from my feedly because I wasn't actually reading them. Partially because there is no time. Partially because I still don't love using feedly. Partially because they no longer apply to me. And, when something is taking up space in your life, it should be something you're passionate about - a blog, a job, a person, etc.

Anyway, yesterday I read this article about being crazy rather than boring. It struck a chord with me because I've been crying a lot recently over a lot of different things and I wonder if that's normal, if I'm crazy or does it even matter? I'm in the middle of struggle of do I continue to speak up or keep my mouth shut?

"I'd rather be this girl, the girl who is committed to forgive, and love, and move, and act, and let go, push forward and believe even when it doesn't make sense to believe; even if it means being disappointed, even if it means being hurt, again and again."

But honestly, both sides are difficult. It's not easy being crazy. And it's not easy being quiet. I also wonder, is being crazy being selfish? Is being quiet just being weak?

I would love to know what you all think on this subject - comment, email, text, etc.

xo.

“We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil.”  

- Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul

A friend of mine shared this video yesterday and it made me think a lot. I would certainly say the most difficult part of life is being REAL - being authentically, unapologetically you. Not just with others, but oftentimes with ourselves. I didn't need a video to tell me this, but I needed the video as a reminder. (It's one that is sometimes needed daily.)

It's ok to feel the way you feel when you feel it. It's ok to share that with others. If they are worth caring about, then they will listen and not judge you. It's always important to have perspective, but it's not ok to compare your issues with the issues of others. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Your journey is your journey. Your difficulties are difficult.

And if your favorite pajamas are purple with fish and you want a pancake and you want the world to know, then let the world know.

Well, everyone here knows about my meltdown this week. Meltdown. Breakthrough. Learning. It doesn't matter what word I use to describe it, I can honestly say it was a humbling and necessary experience. It's caused me to be a little more introverted over the last seven days, but it has certainly made me hyper aware of how blessed my life is.

And, as if that wasn't enough, it made room for me to hear from God. 

So, I will tell you the story...

This morning, I met Nate at City Church. I was late. We drove separately because I had to go to work afterward. On my way, I had to stop to get gas because my little light was flashing, then I got stopped by the drawbridge from James Island to West Ashley. Anxiety followed by defeat. But I got there during worship. I drank my coffee and listened to the message - sort of. My head was floating with life things - thinking of the past week, the one to come, and what I have been feeling and needing personally. So, I guess I wasn't really listening at all. (Sorry, Todd!) But, at the end of the message, the Pastor spoke to us about the prophetic prayer team at St. Andrew's. They usually meet on Mondays or Tuesdays to pray and receive knowledge from the Lord, then they pray for discernment, etc. At the main campus of St. Andrew's, they share these prophetic messages on Sunday, but never had before at City Church. This was their first week and they had seven to share.

They seemed specific yet vague, but full of hope for someone. Until we got to message six:

"For someone who had a meltdown this week. The Lord reminds you that He is on your side. It is your Father's greatest pleasure to help you."

And it my head all I could think was "Me. Me. Me. He's talking to me." So, I approached a prayer team member for prayer - I didn't really know what to expect out of it and I didn't really know what to pray for. Then, the man praying for me asked, "Do you feel like God is telling you anything?" I said, "I feel like he's just telling me I already know what I need to know and I need to trust him. Just to trust him." We finished praying and I sat back down. 

It's so hard sometimes for me to discern what are words from God or what are words I'm creating.  I sat there just thinking, what do I do? What is my next step? The pastor (who I haven't spoken to personally in over a week) came back up to give us some words and a closing prayer and he said,

"I just have this vision of someone who is driving with their gas light blinking on their way to the station. They're wondering if they're going to make it. Will they make it to get full and refreshed? And God is saying to them, 'Trust me. Trust me. Trust me.'"

Point taken.

When you feel like you're not sure what you're worth or what you're supposed to be doing - God is going to chase after you. Maybe it will be a thought. Maybe it will be a meltdown. Maybe a scripture. And, maybe, if you're like me and haven't been listening, it will be two public displays of prophetic words where He's saying, "I am here. I've been waiting for you. And I'm not going to let you feel lost anymore."

I learned something new about myself this week.

It wasn't fun. It involved a lot of tears. It's going to involve some struggle.

I haven't been sharing as much about the inside of my head because mostly I've been pretty good. I know who I am, what I stand for, where I am going. (Sort of.) I changed jobs in June - that was a BIG deal, but I genuinely felt led to do that. I loved my Apple family, but I was no longer finding value in my job. Since then, it's been a roller coaster of life and learning a new j.o.b.

I've been doing a good job. I am successful at what I do. I love the women I work with who amaze me every single day. I love our guests who are up to crazy things. I find it unbelievable that I get to play on social media with more purpose than ever before. I like sweating all over the city and making friends wherever I go.

But, for some reason, it hasn't felt like enough in my head. I'm doing too much learning. I'm not doing enough of the right things. I'm not looking to charge up a ladder like I have been at every other job in my life. I've said no to work in efforts to keep personal life promises. Honestly, that's strange. I've spent the last 12 years of my life focused solely on working hard and making money. Multiple jobs. Overtime. Skipping some big life events. And now, well, my priorities have shifted.

When I look forward 10 years, the first thing I think about is no longer my job. It's my (soon to be) husband. It's our home. It's our family. It's our life sprinkled with the things I enjoy - yoga and coffee and blogging.

For so long, I found my value and self-worth in my career. And now I don't.  And I'm having a really hard time accepting it because I'm not sure where to look for it.

Ok, ok. I know where to find it. In Him. I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. He has come so that we may have life and have it abundantly!

I just have to focus on that. His love. His promises. His future He has planned for me. It's not about my career. It's not even about me. It's about Him.

Note: My boss is actually the one who helped me come to the realization and encouraged me to share it with the team! The support I receive both professionally & personally from my work family is amazing - and how I know I'm exactly where I need to be!

This morning at church the pastor said, "There are two types of people who ride roller coasters. The first is the kind who holds on like this [gripping tightly]. The second is the kind who holds on like this [hands up in the air]. The first kind is holding onto anything they can to give themselves a sense that they are more secure even though they're not. The second has their hands up because they know they are secure."

Wow. Reality check.