via CAFFEINATE-ME (the one with the grey area)
Once upon a time not long ago, someone told me that they weren't comfortable with grey areas. And I thought, "Well, that must really suck, because my entire life is one big nebulous grey area."
Except so very not.
(Unless we're talking about the Law of Averages here.)
See, I sort of think that the Perfect Adult Version of My Life is a perfect adult shade of grey. Because, to me, grey means balance. Like I would somehow find a way to blend my multiple personalities and different moods and create just the right shade of grey. Equal parts Good Girl and Bad girl. Equal parts Focused and Party. Equal parts Planned and Spontaneous. Equal parts Introvert and Extrovert. Equal parts Social Time and Alone Time. Equal parts Free and Committed. All mixed together until it's just right and level.
I am not at all there yet.
Because, lately, my life is compartments.
On one side, there's loud, immature, slightly out-of-control area. This is the side who barely sees her apartment, aside from the brief periods of downing a bottled water, throwing used and tried-on clothing about, and taking a quick disco nap. This is the side that spends 24 hours fueled by only French fries, beer, cheap red wine, and butterscotch bread pudding. This is the side who is out to dinner with different people every night of the week. This is the part that's sending flirty text messages with the wrong people. This side buys a lot of shoes. This side is boisterous and ballsy. She says what she's thinking, whether it's good or bad. She's honest, but brash, and she's quick to let go. This is the side that is overcompensating for the other part.
On the other side, there's the quiet, simple, sometimes lonely area. This is the side who is learning to cook in single portions. This is the side that enjoys a quiet evening on the couch with several DVRed shows or a magazine. This side is learning to budget her money, and learning to live with depriving herself of frivolous luxuries. This side is in bed at a decent hour and on time to work in the mornings. She shops at the farmer's market, doesn't eat meat, and is adjusting to sustainable and unprocessed foods. She is quiet, so as to not offend. She emotes to herself. This side is there for you, if you need her, without demanding much in return. This is the side that is overcompensating for the other part.
Sometimes I find myself so excruciatingly comfortable in my loneliness that I flip completely to the opposite end of the spectrum, get completely out of control, and blow my money and my energy until I'm so tired I can't even stay awake long enough to put appropriate nutrients in my body. I do it again and again. I stay in until I'm unhappy and lonely, then I wild out until I'm unhappy and tired. Lately this has been particularly bad.
Truthfully, I don't want to be either side. I want to mix both sides together. I want to be grey!! But it's hard to reconcile the two. How can I eat whole foods when I'm craving Cheetos? How can I stay in and go out at the same time? How can I be both a grown-up and a child? It's impossible to be in two places at once.
Just for fun: my most recent Exhaust Yourself Until Exhausted phase, just this past weekend, which consisted of a haircut, Beer Fest (also known as 7 hours consecutive with a drink in my hand), a bachelor party, an 8-mile hike, a huge platter of curry that I fell asleep while eating, and an evening of vegetation and head petting.