before & after. i'm sorta blonde now. crazy.

please?

me:  i'm training the new me for citadel mall & she speaks spanish. no hablo espanol.
Rachel:  OOOoooo. we can learn spanish together!!!! on tape!!! while cooking dinner!!!
and making coffee in the green french press. and watching the "kids" play

me:  and making coffee in the green press

Rachel:  hahahahahahaha

me:  oh geez. we've already grown old together.

Rachel:  you're finishing my thoughts! that's adorable!

me:  i'm gonna be single forever.

a morning without coffee is sleep. triple grande, 2 pump, soy, no whip cinnamon dolce latte. it's not as complicated as it looks. but it is delicious.

I've been busy & I'm tired, so I'm going to bed now. Lame? Yep. So, I will leave you with another blog that I feel I can relate to because I'm twenty-something & single. Plus, today I had to add a superfood drink to my lunch just so I felt like I was getting some of the nutrients I needed. Sad? Maybe. Necessary? Absolutely. Evidently one cannot live on soy lattes alone.


via CAFFEINATE-ME (the one with the grey area)

Once upon a time not long ago, someone told me that they weren't comfortable with grey areas. And I thought, "Well, that must really suck, because my entire life is one big nebulous grey area."

Except so very not.

(Unless we're talking about the Law of Averages here.)

See, I sort of think that the Perfect Adult Version of My Life is a perfect adult shade of grey. Because, to me, grey means balance. Like I would somehow find a way to blend my multiple personalities and different moods and create just the right shade of grey. Equal parts Good Girl and Bad girl. Equal parts Focused and Party. Equal parts Planned and Spontaneous. Equal parts Introvert and Extrovert. Equal parts Social Time and Alone Time. Equal parts Free and Committed. All mixed together until it's just right and level.

I am not at all there yet.

Because, lately, my life is compartments.

On one side, there's loud, immature, slightly out-of-control area. This is the side who barely sees her apartment, aside from the brief periods of downing a bottled water, throwing used and tried-on clothing about, and taking a quick disco nap. This is the side that spends 24 hours fueled by only French fries, beer, cheap red wine, and butterscotch bread pudding. This is the side who is out to dinner with different people every night of the week. This is the part that's sending flirty text messages with the wrong people. This side buys a lot of shoes. This side is boisterous and ballsy. She says what she's thinking, whether it's good or bad. She's honest, but brash, and she's quick to let go. This is the side that is overcompensating for the other part.

On the other side, there's the quiet, simple, sometimes lonely area. This is the side who is learning to cook in single portions. This is the side that enjoys a quiet evening on the couch with several DVRed shows or a magazine. This side is learning to budget her money, and learning to live with depriving herself of frivolous luxuries. This side is in bed at a decent hour and on time to work in the mornings. She shops at the farmer's market, doesn't eat meat, and is adjusting to sustainable and unprocessed foods. She is quiet, so as to not offend. She emotes to herself. This side is there for you, if you need her, without demanding much in return. This is the side that is overcompensating for the other part.

Sometimes I find myself so excruciatingly comfortable in my loneliness that I flip completely to the opposite end of the spectrum, get completely out of control, and blow my money and my energy until I'm so tired I can't even stay awake long enough to put appropriate nutrients in my body. I do it again and again. I stay in until I'm unhappy and lonely, then I wild out until I'm unhappy and tired. Lately this has been particularly bad.

Truthfully, I don't want to be either side. I want to mix both sides together. I want to be grey!! But it's hard to reconcile the two. How can I eat whole foods when I'm craving Cheetos? How can I stay in and go out at the same time? How can I be both a grown-up and a child? It's impossible to be in two places at once.

Just for fun: my most recent Exhaust Yourself Until Exhausted phase, just this past weekend, which consisted of a haircut, Beer Fest (also known as 7 hours consecutive with a drink in my hand), a bachelor party, an 8-mile hike, a huge platter of curry that I fell asleep while eating, and an evening of vegetation and head petting.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze & love is a riddle. - Lenka, The Show

I missed my four year bloggiversary. Matter of fact, I don't think I've ever celebrated my blog growing older. Maybe next year. My blog will be five and that seems worth remembering.

blogs take up a lot of my time. i mean, i have a lot of them to read! then they all make me think about different things & click on different links. it's time consuming. *phew*

but after blog time, there is (right now) donald miller time. which is better than the oc on dvd time (shocking, yes?) and waayyy better than folding laundry time. ihatelaundry. it's my least favorite chore.

i hope i meet a man who likes folding laundry. then i will know he is the one.

(god willing) (please)

"And later there will be laundry happening, which is nothing to daydream about. I can't deal with reality." - Donald Miller

i had a fantastic day with my little sister yesterday. spring break is for pedicures, shopping, the new miley cyrus movie, lunching at sesame, dog time, sprinkly donut holes. it's also a little bit for cleaning which is not as fun as everything else, but a necessary evil.

i think my boy neighbor doesn't like me. i want him to be my friend. just because i think he doesn't want to be. does that make me a creeper?

eek.

America runs on Dunkin (a.k.a. Sugar). Note: I am a sucker for things that are small & covered in rainbow sprinkles.

Come close, listen to the story about a love more faithful than the morning. The Father gave his only son just to save us.

The earth was shaking in the dark. All creation felt the Father's broken heart. Tears were filling Heaven's eyes the day that true loved died. When blood and water hit the ground, walls we couldn't move came crashing down. We were free and made alive the day that true love died.

Search your heart, you know you can't deny it. Lose your life just so you can find it. The Father gave his only son just to save us.

Jesus is alive. He rose again. (Phil Wickham, True Love)

so, instead of doing laundry (because it is my least favorite of the chores), i have been puttering around the internet & reading blogs. and, whilst doing this, i have realized/pondered several things. i will share some of my musings with you...

1. I am not as cool as everyone else - especially west coast people. They are awesome. I like the South though. That's only kind of true. I watched a Nicholas Sparks movie today - those make me love the lowcountry. It is pretty. It's just not cool.
2. My blog is lame - I need someone to help me make it pretty & not be such a template (because that is exactly what it is...). Who is with me? Does it involve html? I get confused by that sometimes.
3. Cocoa Roasted Almonds are delicious. (I didn't learn that on the internet. That's from personal, in the moment, experience.)
4. I need a place to decorate & call my own. Design blogs are taking over my Google Reader. More people should use Google Reader. It.Is.Awesome.
5. I love light. It certainly makes or breaks a photo. Never underestimate the power of a well lit object or room. Really. Don't.
6. It is possible to mix nutella & vodka into ice cream. Hell yes.
7. I love snarky, caffeine obsessed people. They are my people.
8. This blog makes me laugh out loud. She's funny. And lives in LA. Maybe I should move to California. Is Orange County really like The OC? Are Balboa Bars real things? I just want the sunshine.
9. It all started here tonight bc I'm obsessed with chandeliers. It's sort of unhealthy how excited I get around them.
10. Trader Joe's is the best grocery store in the history of grocery stores. Everyone has one, but me. Life would be better with Trader Joe's. I am convinced of this.
11. How many people read my blog? Who are they? Why doesn't everyone comment more? Do my readers want more pictures or more stories? Do I even have readers? Eff.
12. I might have a problem with blogs... Don't most twenty somethings? Will I be allowed to blog in my thirties? What will life be like in my thirties? Why am I still awake?
13. I ramble a lot.

"You will step out of your comfort zone a little bit and try new things and meet new people. All of it is no where near as scary as you thought it would be. Keep that in mind and continue to test your fears. They tend to hold more power over you than they should. However, you will continually freak out over the prospect of dating. You will struggle with 'putting yourself out there' and fret over missed opportunities. You will realize that boys are always going to cause you confusion."

that brings us to now. midnight. i was supposed to go to bed an hour ago because i have to be at the gym at 8am. which means i have to get up & take care of lollipop. and feed & clothe myself properly before heading out.

AND I HAVE AN INTERVIEW TOMORROW. shit.

aren't interviews supposed to be like standardized tests? lots of rest. well balanced breakfast. you know the drill... minus the snack and no.2 pencils.

i can't wait to see amanda urowsky tomorrow. after my trainer kills me. after my interview. and i will treat myself with a sweet & salty brownie from BAKED. i need to budget better.

i love you & goodnight.