Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Something a lot of people would never guess about me:

I've run a half marathon.

I mean, if I was playing two truths and a lie and I threw that tidbit in there, then 99% of the time people would probably choose it as a lie. Why? I hate running. And I'm pretty vocal about it.

I don't hate running for the usual reasons. Although I do find difficult, boring and hard on my ankles.

I used to run. A lot. I dated this guy who was a runner. The first time he moved away, I started running to fill the time I used to spend with him so I wouldn't be so sad and so we would have something to talk about in letters, etc. I would run maybe two times a week and do pilates the rest. (Pilates will whip you into some firmness, btw.)

The second time he moved away, he started to run more - I'm talking 8-11 mile runs multiple times a week. This led to him often forgetting to return calls or being too tired to talk for a long time or not having time at all. So, the more he ran, the more I ran. I was lonely and I was angry. Oh, running helped you work off those feelings? Nope. Running made me try to fix those feelings. I shouldn't be angry, I should be proud and understanding. I shouldn't be lonely, I should be working on my own health. My feelings seemed invalid, so I ran to change them. I ran so we would have that one thing in common to hold onto.

I was running 5-7 days a week and 3-5 miles each time I ran. I was fit. I was angry. I was lonely.

I was running to hold onto something that he didn't want to hold onto - for a relationship he didn't want to be responsible for anymore. And we broke up. And it was hard and the worst kind of hurt.

I kept running. I thought if I kept running, then I could fix how hard it felt to be single again. I was still angry. I was still lonely. And I kept running. The less angry and lonely I began to feel, the less I ran, but I still held it in back pocket because I wasn't really over it all.

Finally, in 2011, I ran a half marathon with very little proper training. I ran those 13.1 miles and was tired and in pain, but I felt so amazing that I had completed such a feat. It felt like happiness and it felt like closure and it felt like I would never run again.

And I haven't run again. Not really. Partially because it's difficult, boring and hard on my ankles. Mostly because it's part of a really painful time in my life. It was an activity I used to hide part of who I was and cling to who I wanted to be even though I never really enjoyed it - the difficulty of the relationship or the actual running.

So, I don't do things I hate anymore because I don't want to feel less than me - less authentic.

And that's one of my two truths. It's not a lie.

I don’t want to do it, and it’s really liberating to say no to shit you hate. So you go ahead. You live your truth. I’ll be here, living my truth. - Hannah, GIRLS

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