and so this is christmas

Christmas break is wonderful.

Right now there is no class and no work. And yesterday my only goal was to get the dust off of the ceiling in the hallway. (Success, by the way.) It's strange having nothing to do. Absolutely nothing. I filled my day appropriately with cleaning the porch, eating at Cool Beans, and hanging out with Corinne. She's such a lovely person for those of you who aren't aware.

I saw four dead squirrels on the Horseshoe. That was disturbing. It might be an epidemic. Also, I watched two movies last night. In a row. A perfect way to waste some time with Corinne and Lou.

I don't know why I put those two facts together. But Little Miss Sunshine was hilarious. I think it'll be even funnier the next time I watch it and the shock factor is missing.

And that's what I did with my day where I had nothing to do, but smile.

Me: Hey!
David: Hey! How are you? Must be good because you've probably been hanging out with Mr. Jones since I haven't heard from you in awhile.

The rest of break has been just wonderful as well. Matt Jones came home on the 23rd and I've been lucky to spend so much time with him. I actually think that I've seen him everday which will have spoiled me greatly by the time he leaves. And for those of you who knew about his gift. It went quite well. And he enjoyed it very much.

Have I ever mentioned how incredibly lucky I am? Because now might be the time to insert it if I haven't.

And now I sit eating a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, thinking about Michael and Ashley's Wedding today. I wonder how they're both feeling right now. Hmm.

Celebrate, we will! Cause life is short, but sweet for certain!

when the night falls we see the star of wonder

But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. (Luke 2:10-11, NIV)

i feel it in my fingers. i feel it in my toes.

I've been reading this quote for months.

I believe in absolute truth the way Jesus defines absolute truth. He is asked, "what is truth?" He says, "I am. What you're to get is an answer so you can feel right and I'm not going to give you that answer. You need to trust Me." - dmiller

my lipstick fades away

Aren't I lovely? And do you want me? Cause I am hungry for something that will make me real.

Captivating has explained so much to me. About myself. It's beautiful and frightening at the same time. I'm interested to see where the rest of this book takes me.

Can you see me? And do you love me? Cause I am desperately searching for something real.

Tonight I was struck by the knowledge that it is Christmastime, so I stopped at Walmart on my way back from the Wired Bean. Mistake. It was so busy. And I took my meager purchases to the front of the store and stood in line for a very long time.

The woman in front of me had tons of stuff. An overflowing buggy full of toys and tortilla chips. It took quite awhile to go through it all. When I quickly paid for my things and started to leave, the woman apologized to me for not letting me go ahead of her. I told her it was okay, that I didn't have anyone waiting for me at home and she obviously did.

She thanked me for being so understanding and I then I told her to have a Merry Christmas.

Then I was sad because I realized I had nothing except a dirty pile of clothes to go back to at my apartment. Oh well. At least now I have Christmas lights and little tree that needs me.

Then that whole feeling made me think of what Captivating had said about women being relational beings. And my whole evening came full circle. Weird.

I have the next two days off from life. And Matt Jones is coming home. I can't wait.

i miss you already. i miss you always.

I'm glad Eddie and his lyrics could reclaim a spot in my life with Alison.

I just sent Alison to China for a month. Three weeks-ish. This is the longest I will have been without her since we started living together.

Who is going to listen to me complain about work? Or help me decide if my outfit is cute? Who is going to be here to get excited for me on December 23? Who am I going to go to when Matt leaves again? I think I'm going to have to make my own hot tea and do my own dishes now.

Oh dear. I miss my roommate.

they dug me my very own garden...

... gave me sunshine, made me happy. Nice dream. If you think that you're strong enough. If you think that you belong enough.

Accounting final. Oy. I think I can say goodbye to my 4.0. Welcome back 3.9 gpa. Whatever.

There is still so much going on, but tonight was good and relaxed.

I went to the Wired Bean and spent time drinking coffee and hanging out with my friends. Rachel and I stayed until we got kicked out. I've never done that before. We went to Midnight Breakfast, too. Amazing. I'm so full, but it was totally worth it for the blueberry pancakes.

"And it's not just the desire for an outward beauty, but more - a desire to be captivating in the depths of who you are." - Stasi Eldredge.

And I started reading more of Captivating. It means more to me now than it did at the beginning of the summer when I stopped reading it. It talks about three desires of a woman's heart: to be romanced, to plan an irreplaceable role in a great adventure and to unveil beauty. And as I read it, I keep thinking how true it all is.

Sometimes we don't want to admit our desire to be loved or to be in a relationship that is important or even our longing to feel beautiful. It's not modern. It's not feminist nazism. It's not 21st century. But it is how God created our hearts.

I've only read one chapter (again) but I hope to learn more and share more this time around.

Tonight, I tell you this (and I hope you know and believe it in your heart) :

The King is enthralled by your beauty! (Psalm 45:11)

she was his girl. he was her boyfriend.

So I'm told, so the story goes...

I really really want to hear Dave play Christmas Song. Really. Really. Really. I don't know how else to convey how much I really want this to happen.

The people he knew were less than golden hearted. Gamblers and robbers, drinkers and jokers, all soul searchers like you and me. Searching for love love love. Love love love love love is all around.

Shack Ball was amazing. Courtney Jones was an excellent date through all three phases - Espresso. Dancing. More Espresso. There are pictures on Facebook to prove it.

Yesterday was a long and awkward work day, but I do so enjoy working with Amanda that the time didn't seem to creepy by so slowly. And last night was fun hanging out with the guys even if I thought I was going to have nightmares about Indians and ladybugs.

I'm still waiting on my box of Om even though I've already received two other boxes of tea from the company I ordered from. Speaking of tea, there is always this guy who comes into JJ with a little bag of herbs and calls it tea and wants us to give him a cup of hot water for it. I think it's just rosemary, but whatever it is, there are definitely no tea leaves involved.

Today, I finished a project on why smoking should be banned in restaurants. Now I'm studying for accounting. And I'm reading Captivating because I never finished it the first time around.

Tony and I babysat at the Shack tonight and I've decided that I really like children who lay in your lap or play with your hair. The kind that don't scream. Those are the best kinds of kids.

Preparations were made for his celebration day. He said "Eat this bread and think of it as me. Drink this wine and dream it will be..."

Also, it was confirmed that Matt Jones is wonderful as a person and as a boyfriend.

There has been so much going on and there is still so much going on. This week is exam week and I only have one exam and one presentation, but I'm still completely busy.

David's birthday is Tuesday involving sushi, so that's exciting. I work everyday this week and Alison goes to China on Friday. Then I go see Dave on Saturday, but have to drive back to work at Wholly Cow on Sunday and Monday, then it's back to work here until we close on Friday. Then Matt comes home! And I either leave that night or the next morning to work at Wholly Cow again.

I'm glad I'm working at a coffee shop.

I'm really excited about seeing my family and working with my mom. And I'm really excited about seeing Matt again - who, strangely, I have seen more often this semester than I have my Charleston folks.

I think I'll put up my Charlie Brown Christmas Tree this week. It needs me.

I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm cold. And I don't know how to fix this problem. Slippers. I think I'll buy some. And maybe some long johns. I'll wear them all the time. That's not strange, is it? When I have a home, I think I'll make sure it has a fireplace.

Father up above, why in all this anger do you fill me up with love love love?

Oh Lord, I pray for everyone and their stress levels this week. I pray for the craziness of exams and the holiday season. And I pray for patience for us all when we feel like it's crumbling around us. Oy. Because that's how it will feel eventually. I'm so glad your strength is made perfect in weakness. Thank you.

dark clouds may hang on me sometimes

... but I'll work it out. And then I look up at the sky, my mouth is open wide. Lick and taste. What's the use in worrying? What's the use in hurrying? Turn turn, we almost become dizzy.

We have cable. Who knew?

I am the Secretary of Coffee. I like that. And now I do music.

It's the end of the semester. I have one final and one group presentation, then I'm that much closer to graduation. I'm excited even though I'm not nearly ready to leave this life behind.

I have to make a 94 on my accounting final to make an A in the class. That means I'd have a 4.0 coming out of 18 hours. How ridiculous. I'm not going to hold my breathe. Plus, that's assuming my group presentation goes well. It's the pro side of banning smoking in restaurants.

Matt will be home in two weeks. A week and a half if you ask Rachel because she likes to lie to me to make me feel better.

Between now and then I'm gonna dance dance with my boyfriend's sister at the Shack Ball. I have to study and see people I haven't seen all semester. I'm going to work a whole bunch. Everyday, basically. I'm going to see Dave Matthews in Asheville with Kt! And I'm going home to work for my mom.

Speaking of - There was a shooting at the Citadel Mall on Wednesday night. In the food court bathrooms right behind our store. I don't know what that means for our employees or the mall or our business or my friend who is going to have to write that press release. People don't seem too concerned which is both good and bad, I suppose. My mom, I think, will be pretty reluctant to let me work alone at night while I'm there, but I'm actually not scared of dying while making espresso.

I'm anxious about some things right now. Some concerning myself. Some concerning others. I've decided all that I can do about it is pray.

He must become greater; I must become less. John 3:30

I want some slipper socks. Like the really expensive kind they sell at J Crew or the cheaper version they sell at American Eagle and Target. Maybe then our electric and gas bill wouldn't be so high... I can't wait to start reading books for fun in the upcoming month. I have a stack.

and I would have stayed up with you all night...

Thursday I worked and it was busy.
Friday I worked and it was kinda like hell.
Today (it's still Saturday to me) I worked and it was busy.

Good for Jammin Java. I apologize to my feet and my hands - especially the parts of them I accidentally sliced with a knife or saran wrap box. Or to my right hand that I poured freshly brewed coffee onto.

I went to Papa Jazz tonight. Bought a cd. Two, actually. Um. I can't remember the last time I bought a cd.

I went running to get rid of all the tension. It kinda worked. It was cold and my throat burned, but my palms were sweaty and chest cursed at me.

I love Alison. I respect her, too. I really enjoy sitting on my kitchen floor eating cheerios and talking to my roommate. I hope that carries onto our next home. I hope I do that with my kids one day. It seems like a good way to bond.

I make decisions based on my past experiences and the things I want to avoid in my future ones. I won't ever feel bad again about not going out to bars anymore.

I always take those damn surveys that ask what I regret. I usually answer, "I regret nothing. I like to think everything as life experience whether it was enjoyable or not." It's a cop out answer. But now I know. I know what I regret. And it didn't seem like a big deal at the time because it's what I wanted, but hearing stories and switching roles in my head - it breaks my heart. And I regret it.

(And just so you all know this is nothing recent. Ok, good. You can breathe now.)

Sometimes I wish I wasn't scared of blood and that I could be a doctor and that I could save lives. But I am scared of blood and it makes me want to puke and I won't save lives. Hopefully, I'll be able to make a difference one shot of espresso at a time.

I've been watching too much Grey's Anatomy. We have season one on dvd. I would like season two - for those of you looking for Christmas ideas. I watched four episodes. I screamed several times. And now I'm just glad that Patrick Dempsey got his big break. And that the show plays so much amazing music.

I wish we'd always wake up new, refreshed and born again with nothing left to lose. But we drink too much. Who needs a crutch? Pull off the bandage there's no wound.

I bought this stuff called Peanut Wonder - It's fake peanut butter. Seriously, it has 85% less fat and 40% less calories than the regular love of my life peanut butter. Seems too good to be true, right? Because it is. It's a $6 jar of disgusting. I miss my peanut fat.

This doesn't even make any sense and I need to go to bed.
I want chinese food.
Goodnight.

i like where we are when we drive in your car

This time last week I was with Matt Jones. And unknowingly getting ready to be pulled over by a cop... I can't wait for him to come home again - Matt, that is, not the cop. It was so good.

Well, you are the one, the one that lies close to me...
Whispers, "Hello. I've missed you quite terribly."
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly.
Now, there's no place I could be, but here in your arms.

I like this song. It's my new ringtone.

I'm completely done with my marketing class. One down. Five to go. And I really only have two finals to take - That I know of. I hope. I just can't wait for this semester to be over. I've mentally checked out of it.

I'm already in Christmas mode. I'm shopping and picking up all the extra work hours I can. I want to make bank and sell back my books and work with Danielle and make some cash and buy the pretty pretty presents for people and go on the fun fun trips.

And see Dave! And Mute Math! And The Fray!

My brother is amazing. He takes such good care of me and my car. I appreciate him more than he probably believes. (My car tag light is broke and he's been helping me with it for the past week. He even called the dealer for me!)

Courtney Jones is gonna be my lucky, music referencing date to the Shack Christmas Ball. Get excited.

I'm against global warming and the effect it has on my clothing choices (tank top vs. new cute GAP coat), but I like that it inspires Mr. Ben Gibbard.

Praise God for turning my attitude around this week. For keeping me busy and on my toes and surrounded by people who care about me!

Oooooh. I just want everything to be the way I want it to be right this very moment!

this may not surprise you at all

I had a great weekend. I am a very lucky girl.

All this time we've been together, you were my best friend, but now all I want to do is love you.

In case you didn't know - Carolina beat Clemson. That's pretty awesome.

And wherever you fall I want to be, I want to be there to lift you.

There is a large amount of Bulk Barn powdered cheese in our pantry.

All I want to do is love you and wherever you are I want to be there with you.

And Matt Jones will be home in approximately 26 days.

put sufjan stevens on and we'll play your favorite song.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. And today was absolutely perfect.
Even though my family was in Charleston. Even though I had to help Alison cross the border at 5am. Even though I got a Happy Thanksgiving warning ticket from Mr. Policeman.

I don't know what I did to deserve all this amazingness in my life.

I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it - collapse into me tired with joy.

life is good. life is great. life is unbelievable.

Wow. The past couple of days have been... I don't know what to say.

I can't wait to be with you. No, I just can't sit still. Are we there, yet?

Tonight ended my week of music. Thank you I Nine for playing in the drizzly cold while I stood sidelines and watched Cocky try to eat Alison's ponytail.

Thanks also goes to Ben Folds, Cornmo, Regina Spektor, and Imogen Heap with Kid Beyond and Levi Weaver. Levi is my new musician crush. And mostly because he played his guitar with a bow and then used a looping machine to cover Idioteque.

Thank you LFO for your lyte and funky lyrics.

So, what would you do if you wake tomorrow, there's no more sorrow, your dreams came true. So, knock on wood and cross your fingers, now count your blessings, it might be you.

With USAA, I can now deposit checks without leaving my apartment. Cool.

I bought a digital camera! It should be here Tuesday or Wednesday. How exciting? I feel all grown up.

Joel dances on the sidewalk when his phone rings. I think that's funny.

Tonight was cheap bar places night. And by that, I mean I had pizza at Idiot before 7 and celebrated Pint Night at Saucer. Now, I have a distinct bar smell. I am not fond of it.

Tomorrow is the last day of classes for the week. SoooooExcited.

I really just can't wait for Thursday to come. And, by now, I think it goes without saying why, but let me know if you have questions.

Closing in. I hope that you make it. Closing in. I hope you find your way.

and this old world is a new world and a bold world

"I find it so impressive that you live on your own, pay your own bills, live in a different city, found someone that makes you so happy, and so much more. I want to say I'm proud but that doesn't seem like the right thing to say.

Your awesome, that about says it all."

It's weird to grow up and move on. It's weird to share your new life with old friends. It's good to combine them, too. I used to hate making my own decisions. I used to hate living in Columbia. I used to be so concerned with making a mistake and being alone. Hmm. I'm glad things are the way they are. And I guess that's all I've got to say about that.

the window's open now and the winter settles in

I don't understand how Blogger in Beta is different from old Blogger.

I like Kroger. It has an excellent vegetarian and organic selection. Plus, it has Odwalla juices for cheaper than Fresh Market. And it's like everything there is on sale. And that makes me happy.

Tonight, I went to Target and saw a group of people outside. It was cold. They are spending the night there, so they can be first in line when the new PS3 comes out. Silly. Except that you can buy one for $600 and sell it for thousands on eBay. Not so silly. I pray they can still feel their toes in the morning.

I am missing the hidden track on the Damien Rice cd because I got it from allofmp3. Someone should help me fix that. It would be nice.

M&Ms now come in Mint Chocolate. I think that statement speaks for itself.

I have a lot of work to do from now until Tuesday. Then I just have random things to do. Like paint my toes and clean my room. Oh and study for tests, but thats neither here nor there.

I am pretty sure I get to see James Riley this weekend. Awesome.

And ohmygoodness. Dawn is pregnant. My friends are starting to have children.

This time next week, I will be in the same time zone with Matt Jones. The same city, even. And, more than likely, I might even be in the same room as him. And that is what I have to be thankful for this year (above and among some other amazing things).

Rachel made vegetable soup and she is coming over with it and we're going to watch Grey's Anatomy. Life is good.

a poem:
sleep is for the weak.
coffee is my crack.
by rachel smith.

I love most everything you bring to this offering.

but I'll shout out my love to the stars

... and I swear to the stars, I'll burn this whole city down.

Today.
I could've been more productive.
I could've bought coffee instead of a latte.
I could've gone into work on time instead of early.
I could've been rude to some customers.
I could've skipped my classes.

Today. I could have done a lot of things different.
But I don't think it would have been nearly as good. I wouldn't have been encouraged as much as I was. I wouldn't have received some beautiful compliments. I wouldn't have seen some people who I like to see. I wouldn't have learned some new tricks. I wouldn't have enjoyed any frosted mint goodness.

Today might have been worse without all that.

ps. Dave Matthews in Asheville on December 16. Try to stop me.
And I'm going to see The Fray and MuteMath with Cindy in January.

(i'm gonna pay no mind to taunts or advances. i'm gonna take my chances on everyday.)

i miss you more than i thought i could

Mmm. S'mores. I love them.

This weekend was amazing. It was encouraging and affirming. I love Shack on the Lake. And even though I'm graduating, I hope it's not my last.

If you could do anything to glorify the Lord, even if it was pumping gas, what would you do? "I would snowboard down a mountain playing my guitar with Tori on my back." - Craig

I'm comfortable here. I'm going to miss it when I'm gone.

Ben Folds is tomorrow. And Regina on Friday. And Imogen on Sunday. And I Nine on Monday.

And then Matt comes into Columbia on Thanksgiving which is way more exciting than anything else I just mentioned.

I recommend the new Damien Rice cd - 9. I like it and I think you will too. I wonder if any of the songs are about Rene Zelwegger. Hmm. Maybe Rootless Tree. It's particularly angry.

I'm listening to Joshua Radin, too. He is also highly recommended.

I'm drafting a report right now on the need for new cash register operations. It's not fun, but it happens. Oo. And tomorrow I register for my very last semester of classes at USC. Crazy.

I hope my next blog is more meaningful.

i’ve been dying to tell you anything you want to hear

... and sugar, we're going down swinging.

I want to go to Nashville to see Rachel and to meet the new baby. She's awfully adorable. I hate missing out on people's lives.

I think I could work at a country club if I needed geographic flexibility.

I watch two shows during the week: Gilmore Girls and Grey's Anatomy. Next week, these two shows will both be overwhelming. Proposals. Marty. Paris, the city not the girl. Dr. McDreamy. Two surgeries. And so much more to look forward to.

Speaking of things to look forward to... Matt and I will be in the same time zone again in two weeks. Happy. And we'll get to spend Thanksgiving together - with his family. I like his family. It's nice of them to include me and I really appreciate it. It's weird though because I've never spent this holiday with anyone other than my mom.

Oo. And Shack on the Lake is this weekend. I'm excited about that, too.

A thousand miles seems pretty far, but they've got planes and trains and cars. I'd walk to you if I had no other way.

i don't know the perfect conversation

I ate my gelato too quickly.
Now I'm feeling sort of sickly.

P.S. Pumpkin gelato should only be taken in small doses. And not mixed with cinnamon if there is any chance that the cinnamon tastes like a freezer.

On a better note, the guy who works there now (David, 2months) is incredibly friendly. He's definitely no Matt Jones (when Adriana's days were good), but he's waayyy better than Phil. Weigh your options. I recommend going to visit him and tipping him well. Even if your gelato makes you sick.

I miss food that I can chew.

Babababa. It's a busy week. Tests. Papers. Projects. All colliding into Shack on the Lake. I'm so excited. Fuzzy boots. S'mores (I hope I can eat them by then.) And, of course, amazing fellowship with amazing people. Ooo and forced alone time with God. I love it.

There are so many people at The Shack now that I don't know that well. Kinda makes me sad. Kinda makes me happy. Kinda makes me wish I wasn't leaving so soon.

DMB - The Best of What's Around, Volume 1 comes out tomorrow. I think I could've done better. Alas. Um. I'm thinking of buying a digital camera. Soonish. I dunno if I can wait around until Christmas just to see if I maybe get one. I miss Kt. I really do.

Other good things: It is pint night at the Flying Saucer. And I like pint night. Also, there is no class tomorrow. Lots of work to do, but this is outweighed by my lovely lunch date and the fact that I don't have to actually go to class. Suckers. Ooo. New Gilmore Girls tomorrow, too. And I'm gonna make soup.

sing it out. la la la la.
oh yeah. i saw sparks.

So, whilst I complain about only being able to open my jaw (maybe) an inch, I will enjoy the rest of life's little pleasantries.

(There's no good reason for the way you love me, but I thank God that you do.) D.Barnes

one step closer to being just where i want to be

Meet me in the middle. Come on, let's make up a dance. And we'll agree to call it the compromise.

It's supposed to be 81 degrees today. Oy, Columbia. Pick a season.

I'm having my pictures done today. I have no idea how this experience will turn out this year.

Also. I have every day filled until the Shack Christmas Ball. Yes, that is the last day of classes. I apologize for the inconveniences this may cause to anyone reading this. Or anyone not reading this.

Lou wrote a blog about insecurities and I understand it. That was my last week. It's hard to feel not enough.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

And it's nice to find out that all those silly insecurities are not necessary. And that you are thought about all the time. And loved. A lot.

"... but God's love, God's voice and presence would instill our souls with such affirmation we would need nothing more and would cause us to love other people so much we would be willing to die for them." - D.Miller, Searching for God Knows What