i felt every ounce of me screaming out

... But the sound was trapped deep in me.

finch5287: congrats on your wifi! welcome to the joys of interneting!

(An amazing customer came and set it up for us because we're inept.)

This morning I went on a walking field trip to a mexican restaurant with two classes of first graders. That was interesting. It involved a giant plate of crispy cinnamon chips and ice cream with sprinkles as well. It was a mess.

Some kid blew chunks in the front of the store today.

My boyfriend is very nice to me on the phone when I'm cleaning up puke.

I found real solace in the new ice cream - hunka hunka banana love. It's banana ice cream with chocolate chips and peanut butter cups. Kt and I agree that it's life changing.

I started running (not very far and not very fast) because it gives me something else to think about. And exercise gives you endorphins and endorphins make you happy. And happy people shouldn't feel stressed.

Tomorrow Kt, Alison and I are going to the Farmer's Market. Yay!

Forced fear falls away to leave me naked. Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety.

She left a note that said I'm sorry...

This sounds crazy, but everyday is a rollercoaster of emotions. I feel so unstable.

Some really crappy things happened today. Some pretty awesome things happened today too. Oy. Oy. Oy. I have to figure out what I'm doing with the rest of my life.

My mouse looks like a dinosaur when my computer is thinking. And I love my mom.

... I had a bad day again.

the world exploded into love all around me

An excerpt from (one of) the book(s) I'm reading:

As children we are always taught that we can do anything or be anyone. Life isn’t always that easy though: accidents tragically take loved ones from us, hearts are broken, dreams die, thorns in our flesh repeatedly pierce us, doors close, we experience unfulfilling jobs, people long for a child or long for a spouse, and we wake up and ask "where has the time gone? Is this where I thought I would be? Is this how I thought my life would be?" Life isn’t always what you expect it to be.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6).

[End.]

My days are full. Life is crazy. And I went running tonight and listened to this song on repeat. I'm a fan.

Oh. Is our life just an illusion? There is no need to figure it out. The separation exists not in your love filled heart, but only in your mind.

it's just when it's summer in the city...

I found this picture on Matt's computer. I like it.

I have a lot of things I could say right now, but I'm tired, so I will leave you with this: Fireflies. They're like paparazzi for the trees.

And I'm glad I'm here.

... I start to miss you, baby, sometimes.

so time will go and we may be far apart i know

22 Days until Bonnaroo. Tomorrow I don't have to work in the store. And the prices of gas and postage are ridiculous.

Cause I don’t think that we should ever feel the need to worry, ever get ourselves in a hurry. You know I love you. I know you love me.

My bed has a frame. My walls have pictures. My dresser and closet have clothing. Our storage unit has lots of excess. My mom has a bruise on her knee. I have a haircut. And the store is really clean.

Have I mentioned that I like Charleston? I do. I don't like working the mall. We're not mall people. But I do love making coffee. I made a lady a heart in her drink the other day. She really appreciated it. I like working with my mom, too. Her dedication is amazing. Not to her job. But to God.

Have I mentioned that I miss Columbia? I do. I miss Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights. I miss walking everywhere and living on the hill surrounded by all the people. I miss the windows in my room.

I'm looking forward to this weekend.

I am almost 23, confused with all the lines in between. They are dying to be read. Softly spoken. Simply said.

I think I stopped listening to God. I think I got scared. I stopped journaling too. I'm going to try again. Because I should. Because I need to. Because I want to. Because my life should be centered on Him. Not my job. Not my room. Not music. Not my family. Not my boyfriend. Not my friends. But if it is centered on Him all of those things will become infinitely sweeter. I know this to be true.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

Tell me do you believe in the girl that is me with her feet to your feet, well that’s all that I need.

the end of fear is where we begin

I wish, wishing for you to find your way and I'll hold on for all you need. That's all we need to say.

I'm in Charleston and I've actually been pretty busy since I got here. There is a lot to be done for all sorts of things. I want things to settle down and for me to have a normal schedule so I can make normal plans with people and keep in normal touch with all of the people who need to be kept in touch with.

At times I feel like no one really notices that I'm gone - that people made a big deal about leaving and then don't care. Then there are times where I don't notice that I'm gone. This all leaves me very confused and slightly upset at the thought of not being missed. But also slightly hopeful. And sort of worried. So really I don't know what I feel.

With that in mind, things here keep getting easier. They don't seem so strange, I suppose. It's like it's all coming back to me and I'm discovering new things too. I went to the ICCB plant today and made some mildly disappointing latte art while trying new chai. I saw a wild turkey on the side of the road and went to Charleston Tea Plantation on Wadmalaw Island and bought fresh produce at a market which was also on the side of the road. Then I wondered what it will be like when I don't live in South Carolina anymore. And then I got lost downtown and found a cupcake store I would like to visit. I also decided I would like to live down there despite the potential flooding.

And I'm really grateful for Kt. I hope she knows that. I should probably tell her.

Now it's raining which is good because maybe it will make some of the forest fire smoke disappear and we can all breathe easier. And speaking of the climate... Live Earth: For a Climate in Crisis.

(Ok. The first picture is of the Wentworth Mansion - namesake of my very first ipod. I took it with my phone while driving. Unsafe. And the second picture is of a tshirt kt made me. She's very amazing.)

There's nothing we can do about the things we have to live without. The only way to see again is let love in.

though endings are never ever happy

Once someone mused to me how strange it was that when you're in the middle of something big that everyone song seems to be written about you. They were right. I probably shouldn't listen to anymore music tonight, but that's just who I am.

My walls are empty. My drawers are empty. I feel a little empty. It's like I'm breaking up with my city and my home. I feel like everything is ending when in reality everything is only beginning.

My mommy is coming to help me pack. Right now. Because she loves me.

It's the happy moments along the way that, in the end, make it ok.

look me in the heart and tell me you won't go

Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love.

I finished college this week. Technically, I'm still an undergrad, but in my heart I'm an alumna.

I like summer. I'm glad I'm getting to enjoy a bit of it before I go. I went to Sumter on Tuesday. And assembled on the hill on Wednesday. And spent time in Lexington on Thursday.

Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows?

I would like to go to California. And Seattle while I'm over that way.

I'm finally good with moving to Charleston. I'm a little interested to see what my future is going to hold. Too bad it won't just call and tell me.

I don't really know what to say. I'm glad there are people who believe in me and encourage me. I hope people feel the same way about me.

Listening to: Tegan and Sara. Beck. Muse. Sufjan Stevens. And the cd Matt made me. (I like that boy.)

It's love that breaks the seal of always thinking you would be real happy and healthy, strong and calm. Where does the good go?

Now here's the sun, it's alright! (Lies!)

larry bird

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your words in my memory are like music to me

It takes two listenings to Snow Patrol's Eyes Open to get from Charleston to Columbia. It also takes one cup of coffee and one mint Oreo Blizzard. And two conversations from my Mom telling me that I'm not going that far away and that I don't have to be excited about leaving.

I find the map and draw a straight line over rivers, farms, and state lines. The distance from a to where you'd b, it's only finger-lengths that I see.

we can conquer this great divide.

I started learning my new life today.

I packed up parts of my room and shoved it into my car and drove to Charleston. I keep feeling both happy and sad. I'm comfortable here. But it's a different comfortable. I like that when I leave the door open that the fat cats don't try to run away. They're cute. They make my eyes itchy.

I want a dog when I grow up.

I'm very thankful for Kt and Luke. And for vanilla bean creme fraps with peppermint and shots of espresso poured through the top. I'm thankful for books with happy endings. And for tofu cooked in tangerine sauce. Also for my family. I love them alot. And I'm glad I'm going to be so much closer to my Mom because I don't know what I would ever do without her. And for Hanson.

My Mom bought me a book. It's How to Learn to Play Guitar. Because I've always wanted to. And because she listens to me. And when she has more money she's going to buy me a guitar. Even if it never happens this may be the best gift I've ever gotten.

I feel sort of alone right now. People are out living their lives. Or being sick. And I'm sitting at a computer with two cats and an old dog while listening to music on myspace because its really all I have.

Oh well. I'll make due. I think I found a church to go to tomorrow night.

I got an A in my marketing class. I think that's the catharsis to my college career.

I find hope and it gives me rest. I find hope in a beating chest.

I like Explosions in the Sky. I will really like the person who gets me more of their music. I hope that's some sort of incentive for someone who is reading this.

Also. I slept horribly last night. My phone freaked out and I had to start deleting texts and pictures so a new one could come in and it wouldn't stop making the ridiculous texting noise. And I was lying in bed so confused.

And I had weird dreams. I hate weird dreams.

AND. I'M AWAKE. And I've been awake for half an hour. Which means I only slept six-ish hours. Less than six-ish! My body would like me more if I let it sleep. And you know what I blame? That week I didn't drink coffee. If I had just stayed on the juice, then it still wouldn't affect me and I would be snuggled up with my comforter right now. Bah.

It's my last exam week. Ever. (That I know of... I hope.) Late night breakfast toniiiight! El Burrito for lunch todaaaaay.

Hey - look what I can do...

KCAE 030529Z 030606 VRB03KT P6SM SCT200
TEMPO 0913 4SM BR
FM1400 VRB05KT P6SM SCT040
FM0300 06008KT P6SM BKN025  

All I can tell from this is that it's going to mist today. And if you're interested weather.com says it is going to be 91 degrees. Ok. That's all I've got.

Have a good day!

i have no lid upon my head...

Today was so... Something.

Today I realized that I worry about things that aren't worth worrying about or that don't matter or that I have no control over. Sometimes I create problems in my head that don't exist in reality because I'm worrying over nonsense.

A cat tried to follow me home from Lexington. I found it at 378 and returned it. But let me tell you, nothing is scarier than hearing an animal in the back of your car at 11 at night.

I experienced my last Wired Wednesday tonight. Courtney bought me cake and coffee and we all finished a bag of peanut m&ms. Yum. It's weird that most of those kids are going to college and I'm leaving. I tried to imagine all of their futures in my head... I hope Denton gets a job. I want Danielle to have an amazing coffee shop. Megan should keep trusting God and never worry about her future. I think Grayson should make music forever and be famous for it. I think Brandon will miss me. And Courtney, well, I wish her the world. Oh my. Transition is fun. And scary. And always ok in the end.

I get to see my favorite Airman tomorrow. I'm very happy.

I know I have more to say, but it doesn't seem important right now. Going to bed seems better.

... But if I did you could look inside and see what's on my mind. Oh it's you.

it's days like these that make us happy.

Today. Tonight. Tomorrow. These are the days.

I'm so in love with this place and the people here.

But the more I dread leaving, the more I realize that I have no idea what awaits me. Charleston is different now. My house is different now. It's not my home. I have to remeet the city and it's people and my job and a church and my life.

And there are people praying for it. And not just the people I talk to normally. The people I bump into at Starbucks or Immac randomly. Today was such a blessing through conversation and time with people. And through Joey's scones.

I thank God for giving me my time here in Columbia and giving me so many reasons and places to come back to. I thank God that these past four years have changed me and begun the equipping process for the rest of my life. It's hard to leave, but I know I have so much to look forward to... Whatever it may be, I'll find out soon enough.

Hours passing by with the beat one two. Said it's days like these kicking back just doing what we do.

fear is a friend who's misunderstood.

... but I know the heart of life is good.

you sing to my soul. oh you break me.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams!" - Henry David Thoreau

Caffeine does not make up for a lack of motivation.

I have a final tomorrow. I'm not done studying. Also, I have to take my marketing final. Only because it's too close for comfort and, even though I'm done, I'm not a quitter.

I worked my last day at the McCutchen House. I cried. Courtney wrote nice things about me in her blog. I cried. I had a really amazing iced mocha at Immac. I did not cry.

The end is bittersweet.

I would like to travel all over the world.

Listen to Maria Taylor (A Good Start) and Grayson Venters.

And it's the same world, honey, that has brought you down as the one that's gonna pick you up.

if this were our last waltz would you dance different?

I couldn't have asked for a better day.

Today I experienced Columbia in some new ways and some old ways.

I experienced Columbia with my brother today. By having cake and coffee for breakfast. And by being on the back of a motorcycle and eating at a new (fantastic) restaurant. If you haven't been to Mr. Friendly's, then I suggest you go.

I went to City Art for the first time. I saw Neil's photos and I liked them. I actually laughed when I saw them.

I experienced an earlier release from mgmt strategy and some random walking and talking with the new short and straight haired Rachel.

I got to talk to my amazing boyfriend who lives in the same state as me again and has a phone charger again.

I went to my last Shack Council and put in my last input and talked about my last Sunday. (If you're a Senior Shacker your presence is requested by Council. If you're a Shacker your presence is requested by the seniors who are going to miss you...)

And I went to pint night with more amazing people than I could imagine.

And I cried. Because I'm so blessed. And I had no idea I was such a blessing. Evidently it's something I need to know and hear.

If I were the last ocean or the first photograph of earth would that change what I was worth? Would it set your hands in motion, if I were the last ocean?

i fall. i freeze. i pray down on my knees.

I sleep. I wake. I try hard not to break.

I have this giant knot of pain growing my in right shoulder and I don't know where it came from.

I finished reading that ridiculous ninety pages of research. And writing the ridiculous market analysis and website evaluation. I'm so close to being done.

And speaking of that, I'll probably only be spending one more weekend in Columbia. Maybe two. I know I'll be here this weekend. I'm serving/cleaning at the Opening Gala for the Festival of the Arts on Friday just because I would like to and Sunday is the last Shack of my college career.

I crave. I love. I've waited long enough. I try as hard as I can.

The weekend after that I'll be in Charleston babysitting my new store. And then, well, I guess I'm moving back. I have no idea where all my stuff is going. Maybe I'll just give it all away.

Moving down the block last summer seemed fun and exciting and easier than moving to the next largest city along the interstate. I still can't believe we moved so quickly this time last year. It was crazy. I was probably already living in boxes at this point.

Ohh. I'm not going far. I'll be back. I'll be back. I'll be back.

I like my weekends. I work really hard during the week and have them free-ish. It's going to suck when I stop seeing Matt during them. This weekend was good though.

I hope. I stand. I take it like a man. I try as hard as I can.

It started with Immac and Rachel on Friday. I had coffee on Saturday, finally. We baked cupcakes and an actual cake, then delivered the cupcakes to the nice boy at Starbucks. He seemed genuinely excited. Courtney turned 18 on Saturday and played a show with Grayson at the Watershed. (You should go see them the next opportunity you get.) I also made up with Ben and Jerry's on our walk back from Za's, so I feel like that's a step forward. Oh and Matt made breakfast for dinner last night. It was the most amazing cheese and egg volcano I had ever experienced. And three words: pesto with breakfast.

Am I not pretty enough? Is my heart too broken? Do I cry too much? Am I too outspoken? Don't I make you laugh? Should I try it harder? Why do you see right through me?

(i want to swim away but don't know how)

My headache is gone.

Everything good is happening somewhere else.

Two more days until the weekend. Yay. Well, one. One more day of class. Plus one day of SWOT analysis. Bah. I want the weekend. I think I felt this way last Wednesday too.

Um. I think sometimes I expect too much of people. And I'm easily frustrated by that. I think it's directed more at me than the people. I can't decide. I really should just let go of that.

Cause this problem’s gonna last more than the weekend.

I came home tonight and there were tulips on my front porch.

I saw Truett Cathy speak today. Funny little man.

I worry that I bother people. Or that I am the cause of stress in their lives. I want to say I'm sorry, but I don't know how. Or maybe I'm just crazy. I want to fix everything all the time.

I know you think that I’m someone you can trust. But I’m scared I’ll get scared.

a pebble in the water makes a ripple effect

My grandfather came out of surgery ok. Now there are other complications dealing with people. I just feel like he's old and we should let him live the best way for him to live now. The way he wants to live. Really, the way he deserves. I think insanity runs in my family.

I haven't had coffee since Sunday and I had five scoops of ice cream yesterday. My head is very angry from the lack of caffeine and the sugar induced coma I've subjected it to. Oy.

I had the light on my car fixed. Finally. If I hadn't, I could've gotten hamsters like Matt Carrowan. And I would've named one Regina and say things to it like "Regina. Regiiina. When is that song gonna start? The song that goes like da na na na na na na na da na na na na."

The water heater exploded at Wholly Cow yesterday and I GOT CALLED because my mom was out of town. My first business emergency. I took care of it. Well, as much as a person who is 100 miles away can.

Don't read Skinny Bitch if you like... food. At all. In any form that is not completely natural.

Did I mention I had five scoops of ice cream yesterday? It was Ben and Jerry's Free Scoop Day. Mint Chocolate Chunk. Creme Brulee. Mango Lime. Phish Food. Chunky Monkey. Tooooo much.

Then I began to experience an ice cream induced hangover. Rachel came over and we watched Gilmore Girls and planned a wedding for her class and then I never got out of bed. She left and turned my light off and I just slept. Until about thirty minutes ago. And my head still hurts.

Anyway. Life is busy. Spectacular. Sad. Confusing. Where it should be. And not where it should be. ALL AT THE SAME TIME. (... and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.)

Listen to: Pietro Crespi (0wen) and Face Down (Acoustic Version by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)

she said a hundred times and more

postsecret.com

all this feels strange and untrue

I finished my paper.
It's 27 pages. And bound.

I never got good at powerpoint. And I'm pretty sure I'll never have to do it again.

My car wouldn't stop running yesterday. It got overzealous. I took it to the mechanic.

My grandfather is in the hospital (again) and he has to have surgery (again). This time it's on his carotid artery, so adequate bloodflow can be restored to his brain.

I never want to be old and I never wants my parents to be old.

I wish I didn't have a finance test on Tuesday.... I'm really glad that it's the weekend.

... and I won't waste a minute without you. My bones ache. My skin feels cold. And I'm getting so tired and so old.

come the weekend and we'll be long gone baby

... Just like the old days, letting the world flow through me.

I'm reading a book called Skinny Bitch. It's telling me to give up coffee. Something about the acidity forming fat cells. I don't know. Giving up coffee may not make me skinny, but it would certainly make me bitchy.

I am on day two of the massive (sinus induced, i think) headache. Bah.

I only have maybe four more weekends until I leave Columbia.

With that in mind, I would like to cordially invite you all to the last Shack Sunday Night Service for the semester which doubles as my very last Shack - as it does for several other Shackers as well.

And now I bring you an excerpt from the Free Times: "As if any of us needed proof that Keith Richards is the craziest f#!ker alive, reports in tabloids the world ‘round printed stories that the Stones guitarist once snorted a mixture of cocaine and the ashes of his dead father. The allegation comes from an NME interview in which Keef, aside from owning up to snorting his pop’s remains, trashes the state of modern music." - Patrick Wall (everyone's favorite Music Writer)

"The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father. He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow ... It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive." - Keith Richards

He mixed his father's remains with some blow. Supposedly it's not true, but it wouldn't surprise me if it was.

When I don't feel good I drink a lot of apple juice. I even ate an apple earlier. Maybe it has something to do with the whole "an apple a day" saying.

In other news, I will be able to see Dave Barnes, Fiction Plane, Manchester Orchestra and Tin Cup Prophette all in the Bonnaroo Cafe Tent. Yay for promoting up and coming artists that I already enjoy.

Sooo. I'm finally trying to get my car fixed and the a-holes who can fix it won't call me back. I'm taking my car on Friday and making them do it. Oh and I just realized the back of my car is broken. Great. Great. Great.

I hate Starbucks 22 pages worth.

From here you can almost see the sea.

i know you stay true when my world is false

I have had a massive headache all day long. Bah. Oh well. I am unemployed. People were sad when I left. I was sorta sad. Dennis told me he knew I'd be successful in anything I chose to do. That meant a lot.

I did my first sudoku today. I lie. I started my first sudoku today. I worked on it for an hour and then had to leave. I still have it and I'm pretty sure I need to start all over. And I'm pretty sure that's lame.

April 20th is 10% off green paint at the arts and crafts center (at Shaw). Just so you know.

Funny. I hate Starbucks because I have to write a 25 page paper on it, but I love it at the same time because it's what gives me the fuel to write it. Oy. Irony.

Today I went the grocery store and bought brie, apples and woodchuck. And a few other things, but those seemed the most important. It's an umemployment celebration combined with lots and lots (no, really, there is tons) of school work (which I am obviously procrastinating).

Rachel has an interview with Hyatt tomorrow! Yaaay! Alison had an interview with Wando today! Yaaay! David has a job in Tucson! My friends are growing up so quickly...

I started some lists today. One is of things I have to do for school. The other is things I would like to do before I leave Columbia such as: buy my internship cd and apply for graduation, go to the zoo (and the gardens because I've never seen them), write a thank you note to Dennis Pruitt, find the infamous Lexington Park, see BJo work at Starbucks, spend more time at the Shack, email Ms. Dilworth, do Plan B on April 22, attend my last Sunday Night Shack on the 29th, go to the Art Museum, go to the State Museum, watch a movie at the RH, eat at Miyo's, say goodbye to Stephen Justice, go to the "new" Adrianas, walk around the city at night for a long period of time, eat at either The Melting Pot/Motor Supply/Hampton Street Vineyard, go running just because, have breakfast at Immac, and also at Strudel, take lots of pictures, spend lots of time enjoying nice weather. Oh hang out with DZ girls.

There is more to come, but I have to study now. Suggestions are welcome. (And these photos are courtesy of Kickstand Studios.)

... everything around's breaking down to chaos.

oh you silly stupid pastime of mine

I certainly haven't been shopping for any new shoes and I certainly haven't been spreading myself around.

Fiona Apples drives me a little crazy. And I listen to her anyway. Repeatedly.

Last night I couldn't stay awake on the phone with my mom. It was horrible. I slept for ten hours. That was amazing. And unexpected.

Today it was cold. My feet turned blue. I went to the Post Office and the Starbucks on Gervais. I sat through hours of rambling that I didn't pay attention to and learned that good students finish last a.ka. first in line for doing projects. And Council. I went to Council and ate little cinnamon rolls that Joey made and laughed some and made a few decisions.

If there was a better way to go then it would find me.

I don't want to leave Columbia. I feel like it owns a little piece of me because I moved here and made it my city and my home. It's where I did most of my real growing up. I feel comfortable and at peace here. I'm not ready to be done with this place.

The rest of my time here promises to hold lots of life. School and friends. Memories to be remembered. Memories to be made.

(This city is my home, construction noise all day long and gutter punks are bumming change.)

I just finished three assignments. I still have a few to do. Not tonight, but soon.

Tomorrow I become unemployed.

I still only travel by foot and by foot it's a slow climb, but I'm good at being uncomfortable so I can't stop changing all the time.

so, i like a quiet time, please

I feel safe, I feel warm when you're here and I do no wrong.

Sometimes I forget that Jesus was a man. I often think of him as a baby and I often think of him as part of the trinity - something beautiful and intangible, but hardly ever as a man. Which is a shame because that it what he was - who he was. The pain he experienced was so real. So, to you all, Happy Resurrection Day.

This weekend was really amazing. Jubilant, even. JP and Wendy's wedding was beautiful and everything I expected and hoped it to be. And seeing my Mom outside of Wholly Cow for the first time since Christmas almost had the same effect to me. Also, I really enjoy Matt Jones. Not just as a boyfriend, but as a person. It's one of those not just do I love you (because technically I'm supposed to love you) but I like you. A lot. Mmmm. I don' t want to move far away.

So, my mother gave me a sermon boxset Paul did back in January. I'm not big on sermon boxsets. And this one is called Sexual Revolution - Seeking to reconnect sex and the soul - our desires along with a love of the true, good and beautiful. The equation thus far is Mom + (5 Disc) Sermon Boxset + Sex + My Pastor + the fact that I'm not having sex. I didn't know what it equaled at all. I think whatever it was seemed less once Kt told me I should hear it - because my mom telling me wasn't convincing enough.

I listened to the first disc on my way back from Sumter. Parts of it were slightly uncomfortable. Parts of it were enlightening. Parts of it made me laugh.

And one part made me cry. But it was a lovely cry. The kind where the tears stream down your face, but you're smiling at the same time. And it wasn't just the words that were said, but to know that they were true. And to have seen them lived out by couples that I know.

It was good. God is so good.

I am safe when I am with you and I feel warm if you want me to. I am cured when I'm by your side. I'm alright.

the best of the worst things that you never needed to know

eringail says: now your mom thinks i'm a weirdo
nosocksnopants: well
nosocksnopants: you are and I love you
nosocksnopants: its not even something i have to accept
eringail says: thank you

i'm running, but i'm not getting anywhere.

If I could I would be smoke. And I’d float myself out of here. And I’d go wherever you are. And I’d never have to be too far from here.

I don’t like graduating. It’s so… permanent. And forever. And soon.

I am so scared of making the wrong decision. What if I make my Dad lose lots of money? What if my Mom hates her job? What if I have to move away? I don’t really want to leave South Carolina right now. And I don’t want to ruin anybody’s life or credit rating.

Did I ever mention that Aramark called me? I have a phone interview on Wednesday for an internship. This position is a 10-week rotational internship, during the summer, focused on learning and understanding the overall operation of a Higher Education account. They'll pay for my room/board wherever they put me and pay me $10/hour.

I hope they offer it in Columbia, Charlotte, or Charleston. Or maybe they won't offer it at all. I mean, I shouldn't get ahead of myself.

Bah. I can't wait for this weekend.

... Shouldn’t it be that easy to just be happy for awhile?

it's not a hurry that we're in

I hate April Fools Day. And being gullible. And especially being gullible on April Fools Day.

Two of the most important James' I know fooled me. That seems unfair.

At least I now realize how important it is to keep people involved in your life. When I get engaged (no time soon), Facebook will be the last to know. So there!

I went to Sumter today. It takes less than an hour to get there. It's so close. I had no idea. This makes me very happy.

Another thing that makes me happy is... Diet Coke Plus. It's real. It exists. April 16 we can all have our own. Then on the 17th we can all go get free ice cream at Ben and Jerrys. Holla.

I like music. I can't get enough of it. I'm going to read some nonrequired reading. I have so much work to do. But the procrastination is overwhelming. Mmm.

It's the pollen. It's the spring.

maybe there’s no gray and I was wrong to tell them so

Today some good things happened...

I skipped class. I rediscovered the bouncy ball ad. I experienced my first real life DHEC inspection. I talked to a SYSCO rep about their new fresh seafood plan. A customer complimented me on my service skills. I was recruited to speak at the Eta Sigma Delta luncheon on April 13. (I just realized that's a very busy day for me.) I got to talk to Hope and Kayla. I have a big bag of granola. It came from a big box of granola. I discovered the amazingness of Yo Burrito with Alison. I got to talk to Matt and make Easter plans because he lives near me now. Our living room smells like wisteria. This showed up on my computer... "hey hottie this is amanda ferres and i want your body." Matt's mom is driving to Sumter on Sunday. And she's taking me with her because she's amazing.

Some bad things happened too. But there's no need to dwell on such nonsense.

I need more of The Album Leaf in my life. (That's a plea.)

‘Cause we’re all just the same. We’re all just as good, and just as bad, and just as distracted by the corners of our eyes.

makes me want a little sugar in my bowl

As it turns out I didn't like my last post at all. Bye last post.

Also, as it turns out, bubble and squeak is not at all what we served today at the McCutchen House. It's not supposed to have meat in it. Ours did.

I've noticed recently, through observation and conversation, that hearts are ridiculous. So easy to break and so hard to mend.

I'm glad that I can bring up random topics with my boyfriend. And I'm glad that he can answer his phone when I want to talk about these things. And I'm glad that I trust him infinite amounts. I'm also glad that he trusts me that much. Honesty is such an excellent policy. So is not eating racoon stew.

The Granola Hut has a large amount of granola. I used to wonder why it was called the Granola Hut. Now I know.

I'm overwhelmed by the amount of amazing music in my life. And I like electronica. Evidently. And people always say DMB songs are all about sex and drugs, and maybe it is, but so is everybody else's music. I'm done with lyrics... That's a lie.

The new Starbucks in the Vista opens tomorrow. I'm excited. Maybe I'll walk there. That would be nice.

dinasour421: i've had too much and not enough coffee

People should go see Courtney play with Great White Fleets on Friday night at the Watershed and Steven Fiore at Jammin Java on Saturday night. Doooo it. I am.

I have pollen pieces in my hair all the time. I need to get my haircut.

I don't think I see myself the way other people see me. This is a very recent realization that bothers me immensely.

Let's none of us forget about who we are, so choose a path and follow it, take a pill and swallow it.

there's an awful beating in my chest

I still haven't comprehended the fact that Matt isn't really leaving. I woke up sad this morning, but I keep reminding myself that he's not going anywhere.

This week is going to be ridiculous. And that is all I have.

... and yet I feel strangely blessed because I know it came from seeing you today.

i'll bask in the rays or slowly suffer its abuse

I am not sure what I would like to write.

Morning can be a time of mourning or potential hope.

I like watching people change. I like changing with people. I like encouraging them to do it. And I like the encouragement that comes back to me. I love this community - these people, this family I've stumbled upon in this place.

I used to think there were things I wish hadn't happened and people I wish hadn't met. I think what I really hope for is letting go of them. Accepting them as moments, instances, personalities that I don't have to hold onto forever.

And high tide is rolling in and the undertow pulls me out to sea. The soft sand makes it awfully hard to stand.

I am no longer worried about forever. I can only worry about right now. And right now, I am so happy to be here. Right now. In this moment. With You.

My Dad just called and asked me about my life. I told him about Matt. And about work. And about school. And about people dying. And about my friends. All this within maybe five minutes and I started to cry. I can't remember the last time I cried to my Dad. Growing up can be so hard.

What do you get by singing alone? The music just bounces off the wall.

i've been known to take my time

Today I went to work and tried really hard to be positive. It's not the customers I have a problem doing this with. Tomorrow I don't have to work.

"Congratulations, you get to spend time with Matt." - Meredith

Courtney has pretty red shoes.

I had coffee at Immac and from Starbucks. It was all amazing.

And I looked at hamsters. And imagined what it would be like to be a bunny with a bunny lying on my head. And I thought how nice it would be to be a ferret with a hammock.

Matt Jones makes me very happy.

It's also quite possible that he read that since he's a real person now.

I wish someone would bake cupcakes and bring one to me.

This is a Guiness cupcake with Bailey's Irish Cream frosting. Hm. It is also the background on my computer.

All my energies. All my lazy days. Keep reminding me that you go on and on and you're on my mind.

i wanted to tell you i'd changed

When Jesus is asked, 'What's the most important thing?' Jesus' response is to love, love God with everything that you have and then love those around you in the same kind of way. Jesus doesn't separate loving God and loving others. For Jesus, everything hangs on these two. And so the defining mark of a Christian is love.

this ship is taking me far away...

Today I saw Matt Baker on the street and he walked with me to Starbucks where he taught me that the plural of Starbucks is Starbi. (Tony thinks that's funny for some reason - He's laughing at me...)

But anyway. I got a vanilla bean creme blended with two shots of espresso and two pumps of peppermint. (That's a Matt Jones creation) And it was amazing. So amazing that I made everybody try it - Baker, Liza, Bob. They're all believers now.

I got my eyebrows done today. I like that feeling. I know you're judging me now.

david: ever heard of a knuckle sandwich?
me: yeah.
david: i have 5 of my best friends coming for you

And then he told me he was going to beat me with a stick!

I left in the middle of one of my classes today. Because my brother is in town and he's in the Marines. That's what I told my teacher. It's all true.

Matt Jones is coming home in two days. Two days. Two days.

I just ate half of a portabella wrap from Cool Beans. It was messy. But good. I shouldn't have spent the money. I'm such a terrible budgeter. Oy. No more! All week. Wait. No. I lied. Maybe next week.

I think Jessica Moody took this picture. I like it.

I'm not sure how I feel about today... Eh. I'm gonna go talk to God.

our hopes and expectations. black holes and revelations.

i am letting myself go

And I can see that my hands are trembling, I can see that my legs are weak.
I can see that my head is spinning, but I will overcome.
And I know that my heart is hurting, And I know that my soul it aches.
And I know that it seems I'm failing, but I will overcome.
God listen to me shout, I'm so far from anywhere and I'm calling out.
And I will overcome not by my strength but by Your grace and love.

You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been
surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're
not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been
spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown
down, but we haven't broken. - 2 Corinthians 4, The Message

it's a beautiful day. don't let it get away.

Er·in (ěr'ĭn) A poetic name for Ireland.

I love St. Patrick's Day. My mom says it's my holiday. I think that means I should go to Ireland. Maybe it means I should just travel the world. I don't actually see that correlation, but I bet I could make it work.

who all seen da' leprechaun say yeah!

Yesterday, in honor of, WXRY played U2 all day long. 24 hours of the greatest Irish band of all time. Leslie hated it. Amanda and I loved it.

And speaking of good music, Saki Tumi gets two thumbs up from me. Coldplay, Guster, Goo Goo Dolls, Shawn Colvin, amazingness, sushi and other delicious tapas and pomegranate sake. Ooo and the ginger salad was delicious.

We went to 5Points last night. Crazy. But the most amazing thing that happened last night was that while I was in the middle of Harden Street a friend called to ask for prayer and, in the midst of chaos, my friends and I stopped and prayed. And then later, I heard my friends discussing God over drinks. I love that He's everywhere.

... the unexpected presence of God.

3 Days until Matt Jones. 88 Days until Bonnaroo.

I've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on.

I got to thinking about how much time I spend in my life crashing around like a great gasping fish, either squirming away from some uncomfortable distress or flopping hungrily toward ever more pleasure. And I wondered whether it might serve me (and those who are burdened with the task of loving me) if I could learn to stay still and endure a bit more without always getting dragged along on the potholed road of circumstance. - Eat. Pray. Love.

i'm so lost for you

update: mr. jones is coming home one day early! yay for next wednesday.

Today was pretty. Pretty. pretty.
oh my.
i felt a peace.
i felt a pain. a growing pain.

Life is about to change drastically. But you might not notice it at all.

I'm nervous. And I wish I was a hippie.

words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup

callis is coming tomorrow! i am excited.

If faith were rational, it wouldn't be -by definition- faith. Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy. I'm not interested in the insurance industry.... I couldn't care less about evidence and proof and assurances. I just want God. I want God inside me. I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water. - Eat. Pray. Love.

you gotta change all these feelings

They say it's hard to find good friends, encouragement and love. I think the hardest part is accepting it.

I affect. And I am affected. I cry tears of pain. And tears of joy. For myself and others. I'm learning to embrace it.

Ten days until Matt Jones is home!

Despite going to work and still having homework, I think I love Spring Break. Though I'm sure my body will hate me for the going out later.

I'm going to clean. And paint my toes. And listen to Bob Marley and India Arie. And then go to work. And then go to a new church. And spend time with my God who loves me so.

I am not my hair. I am not this skin. I am not your expectations. No no. I am not my hair. I am not this skin. I am a soul that lives within.

remind me that we'll always have each other.

I had to apologize to God this morning for trying to ignore him for quite some time. I think he had already forgiven me. But you know how guilt is...

There is impoliteness in our experience of living. There is darkness and pain. But the wonder and the joy and the surprise are that even in the middle of darkness and loss is the unexpected presence of God. - d.crowder

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

If I turn into another, dig me up from what is covering the better part of me.

hello again. its been too long.

Midterms = Procrastination.
Procrastination = Blogging.

It is Joanne's birthday! (That's Matt's mom to the rest of you...) So, if you see her around Lexington, wish her well this birthday week and let her know that you think 28 will be a good year for her.

My last voicemail from Matt erased today. Sad.

In class, my marketing teacher compared dating relationships with customer loyalty based on satisfaction, quality of alternatives and investment. It kind of made me feel cheap and replaceable.

Also, Diet Pepsi Max and Diet Coke Plus are going to be released. Someday. One has extra caffeine. The other has vitamins. Ridiculous. And McDonalds wants to sell lattes.

You know what else is ridiculous? 50 cent tacos. I love bars with cheap food.

I also love mint in my lattes. And espresso. I love espresso. And I love espresso from Cool Beans. Especially when I'm with Rachel. And when DMB is playing. I love DMB.

And speaking of Dave. His painting is gone from Jammin Java. My favorite seat is now missing my favorite person.

That's your favorite seat - Why?
Because I'm up against the wall with Dave Matthews, right where I belong.

I don't know if that's appropriate, but it was a real conversation.

My brother has a new motorcyle and truck in his life. They are pretty. And he looks cute in his little marine outfit, too. Excuse me, I mean, it's all very manly.

I have accomplished nothing here. I think I have lost part of my zeal for life. I shall sleep little.

Crazy how it feels tonight. Crazy how you make it all alright, love.

i need you so much closer.

Though Matt cannot always appreciate everything about me when I am not around, he can always appreciate my love of Dave Matthews and my passion for spreading his music. I love that he loves that about me. I bet Dave does, too.

two weeks is forever.
i miss matt jones. alot.

Oh, maybe I'm crazy, but laughing out loud will make the pain pass by. And maybe you're a little crazy, and laughing out loud will make it all subside. Holding, I'm holding out.

i am weary, but i know your touch restores my life

David was the man after God's own heart. (That's a pretty intense description for someone.)

But with that in mind you would think about how perfect this man would be... Not the case. Evidently, David stumbled into some pretty big roadblocks in life (inquire for details) and is basically a big sign of humanity for all Christians.

So, last night, Garrett talked about all this and I don't think I took away what I was supposed to take away. I took away a lesson on forgiveness. Why? Because God forgave David. Not without consequence, but He forgave him. He let it go.

Why can't we do that as humans? Why is it so hard to move on? And is there stupidity in forgiving and allowing the same thing to happen over and over? But you never know when someone is sincere about changing.

But is it really our job? Or should we protect ourselves?

I wish I was more like God in my level of forgiving. I wish it didn't hurt so much to be hurt and that it didn't take so much to move forward and forget.

all i want you to do is be my love. my love. my love.

If I wrote you a symphony, just to say how much you mean to me, what would you do?

This weekend I'm studying. I have to because there is to much that is due and has to be done this week. But then! Then it is Spring Break. And I will continue to work, but it will without class and that makes it less stressful.

I'm at Cool Beans. Rachel is planning my hypothetical wedding, Alison is studying for her big test tomorrow, and I just finished my management strategy questions and am browsing the Wall Street Journal for interesting information.

I have a green tea chai next to me that begs for resteaming.

My mom loves me. She bought be a sixty count package of sharpies.

I'm listening to Justin Timberlake.

She looks like a model except she's got a little more ass... She's got me lovestoned.

is it in a plan. written in your hand.

Sometimes I doubt my ability to hold onto any emotion.

believe or understand
something other than
fear is blinding lights
squeeze my eyes so tight

My life changes so quickly. People are so permanent. And impermanent. Feelings seem to be as such. It creates such a rush of apathy. And then I scold myself for such a lacking.

If that makes sense.

At least God is not. [Temporary.]

These are the times when I feel both close and far. And then I get confused.

"Selective distortion is the tendency to twist information into personal meanings and interpret information in a way that will fit our preconceptions."

I will wait for you. Growing love, but like water, time will always slip through. I will wait for you, but please come soon.

if i'm gone when you wake up, please don't cry

I just got the news that a friend of mine from Charleston died in a fatal car crash last night. And that's really all I know. Please pray for the people she's left behind.

but time makes you bolder, even children get older

a message to a daughter as she is almost grown.

Did I tell you all that I meant to tell you, all that I felt was important? Did I tell you or was it lost in the shuffle of our everyday lives, the busy full days…

Did I tell you to love, not with a fair-weather love, but with a love that accepts and cherishes unconditionally. Love not with a quick and passing love, but with a love that is a quiet peace within your heart.

Did I tell you to be thoughtful? Not to be a martyr or a doormat to be trod upon, but to be aware of other people and their needs. To meet others with awareness and within your own framework, be able to meet them halfway and, on occasion, go the other half joyfully.

Did I tell you to be courteous? Not to display empty manners with no meaning, but to live the courtesy born of caring. And to express this caring through the small formalities and customs born of the years.

Did I tell you to be bold? To be not afraid of the unknown, but to live life to the fullest and meet each new experience with joy and anticipation.

And did I tell you to be cautious? To temper your daring and sense of adventure with good judgment and consideration.

Did I tell you to serve other people if only in a small way? There is growth and satisfaction in being part of something larger than yourself and your life will be richer for knowing this.

Did I tell you to maintain a sense of the past? To recall and uphold all that is best and meaningful in our country and in our society. But never be afraid to speak out where you don’t believe or where there is room for improvement. Work for what you believe, but work in a positive way within a structure of order and reason.

Did I tell you to find a part of nature that speaks to you? Then know it intimately and well. For some it is a mountain peak, for some a windswept beach. Find your own and in it find restoration.

Did I tell you to laugh, to dance, to sing? There is a lot in life that is hard, but take it as it comes and find the good. And make time to dance.

Did I tell you to be creative? To explore the seed within you. Find your creative spirit and let it grow.

And did I tell you the joy and challenge of being a woman. The joy of having a child, knowing and sharing a new life. The joy of making a home... the center, but not the limit for the lives of those you love. The joy of exploring a third dimension – a world of your own, discovering and fulfilling your own capabilities.

Did I tell you these things as we went along the way? If I did, I am humbly grateful. If I did not, then you must choose for yourself. If it has meaning, accept it and make it your own. If it does not, discard it. Your life is yours to build as you choose. And did I tell you…

I hope it will be a good life.

(by Elizabeth Knapp)

if we ever make a mess i'll do anything for you

Ok. I am a canoe.
And I miss my paddle partner.
I really like bell peppers.
I want an o-wahoo pizza.
And I'm mad at my marketing teacher.
And my finance exam review is like whoa.

lalalalalalalalalalala.
so much to say. so much to do. so much to see. so much. too much.
(uh oh. traffic jam. got more cars than a beach got sand. suck it up, suck it up, suck it up. fill it up until no more.)

no worries.

But the weather was lovely today.
And I walked through the Horseshoe and thought of everything lovely that I had ever done there and it made me happy.

I'm learning to do push ups. I can do lots of the girl kind. Not so much with the other way. But I am getting arm muscles. You should ask me to feel my arm next time you see me. It's like a rock.

Bonnaroo tickets go on sale tomorrow.
Rachel is making me dinner because she's lovely.

I'm walking away now.

If there's anything to say. If there's anything to do. If there's any other way. I'd do anything for you.

don't for a minute change the place you're in

Today I was overwhelmed by my lacking and by my future.

So scared of getting older. I'm only good at being young...

Once in awhile, when it's good, it'll feel like it should and they're all still around and you're still safe and sound and you don't miss a thing 'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

And then I was reminded...
My worth is not defined by how many interviews I receive. It is not defined by the coffee I drink. It is not defined by my relationships. It is not defined by how many times I talk to my boyfriend a week. It is not defined by the music I listen to. It is not defined by my GPA. It is not defined by the money I make.

I am none of those things and I am nothing without God.

My life. My present. My future. My worth.

These things which are important are defined by my faith and acceptance of Christ's love for me and his works through me.

Oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him - endless energy, boundless strength! (Ephesians 1:19, The Message)

I am the silence that is incomprehensible.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I’m supposed to be. The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

i'm adoring you. it's all good.

I served lunch today at the McCutchen House. Lovers at lunch. Oy. I wore red to get more tips. I figure that if Hallmark can capitalize on our affections for one another, then so can I.

It worked pretty well.

Rachel pulled coffee out of her purse today in class and that made me extremely amused and appreciative of her - moreso than normal.

My mommy sent me a valentine with a Target gift card - that's love. But she also reminded me that she loves me not just today, but everyday. And told me how proud she was of me.

We're not going to sell Wholly Cow. I'm staying. She's staying. And it's going to be amazing. Because together she and I are just like that.

I was also bestowed with a poem and some gummi jewelry by Tony and Alison. And Courtney bought me a mail order puppy. Or at least that is what I will continue to assume my surprise is.

I'm constantly surprised by the people who care about me and sometimes it takes a holiday for me to remember how truly loved I am or what an impact I seem to have made at times.

Tonight, I was at House Coffee studying (which I should be doing now) and I saw this guy/man - Micah who comes into Jammin Java and I said hi to him and talked about Charleston for a bit and talked about what I had ordered (double shot nonfat latte) and whatnot. When he left, he patted me on the back and waved. Then, Paige came up to me with a latte and a cookie and told me that Micah had ordered them for me before he left.

I felt really special. I've always wanted someone to do that for me.

And then I got a tulip. I love tulips. I really wanted a tulip today. And it made me happy.

So, I will not hate on Hallmark. I will appreciate the holiday as it has been given to me. I wish Matt could have been a part of it (I'm blaming the Air Force for that), but it's good to know that I have other people in my life who love me that much, too.

But there is no one who could wake my heart like this, could break my world in two. I felt a suddenness. I felt a suddenness. The day fell completely still. The dream was a lot like this, but I never knew until he came to meet me.

Happy Valentine's Day.

maybe we'll meet at a bar. he'll drive a funky car.

B stands for Boyfriend. Biloxi. And buffets.

I mean, I could think of other things, but those are the three words that really encapsulate my weekend. It was a lot of fun. And I'm really glad I got to meet Matt's friends there and see what he does - like do the Electric Slide.

The drive was long and boring which was expected, but the rest was certainly not. There are a lot of things I "learned" this weekend that I could type out, but no one would understand. It would seem silly. And, really, the highlight of it was Matt. We could have done absolutely nothing except stare at each other and it still would have been great. As a matter of fact, I think we actually did do some of that anyway. Hmm.

Oh yes. Biloxi has shopping outlets and Matt let me go and buy kitchen stuff. Actually, he encouraged it and then carried my bags. Yeah. He's pretty spectacular. I'm glad I'm his girlfriend.

And I will leave you with this: I want to know where Sea Monkeys come from.

well, i know that it's not easy, but you love me. you won't leave me.

It is 11:11. Please make a wish.

Today, I waited on a table of 17 very thirsty faculty members.
17 times 10 equals 170 times 0.20 equals 34 minus 6 equals 1 iced nonfat latte and 1/2 pound ground brazilian coffee (from immac).

The weather was lovely. And I walked and it was nice and I had good and meaningful conversation.

every little star. every little star. it starts somewhere.

I made cookies. Twice.
I ate some dough and now I feel sick.

I'm doing a study guide and then I'm going to Biloxi.

For some reason people think I'm saying Lexington when I say that and I'm not sure why.

Only about 20 percent of American adults reach the level three stage of moral development.

the dashboard melted but we still have the radio

WSJ: What advice would you give someone new in this (hospitality & restaurant) business?

Mr. Meyer:
Greatest business in the world, if...
A) you have a natural desire to please other people, B) You happen to love great food and wine, C) Understand that your restaurant can never be more successful than the quality of the people you hire.

i'd rather see the world from another angle

A couple of things...

Hugo and Meagan love the Shack kitchen more than anyone else.
(It loves them too. The trash can told me so.)
I hate group projects.
This time next week, I will be in Biloxi. Yay!
I have to be at work at 6am tomorrow. I might die.
Online research journals suck.
I have so much to do that I can't remember what it all is.
I can't believe I never wore rain boots before today.
The end.

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way.

everything leaves a mark

Hi.

I served for the first time today at the McCutchen House. A group of 18 which was actually 10ish who basically locked themselves in a room for a couple of hours. $20 tip. Divided by two. Minus 10% tip out to each back waiter... Equals $8 and a trip to Cool Beans.

Barista: Hi. What can I get for you?
Me: Can I have a triple shot soy latte with irish cream, but with half the syrup, please?
B: Absolutely.
M: I love you.

I'm not sure if that's exactly how the conversation went, but that's how I felt. And then I drank it and my headache went far away... Or at least to another room.

Class is delayed tomorrow until 11am. This is surprisingly obnoxious to me.

Also, I just finished a seven page environmental trend analysis on Starbucks. Interesting.

I'm glad it's February.