all you need is all you want is

pick me up love from the bottom up onto the top love everyday pay no mind to taunts or advances i'm gonna take my chances everyday left to right, up and up and inside out right good love fight for everyday jump in the mud mud get my hands filthy love give it up love everyday.

"I like coffee and how my complicated order doesn’t phase the barista. I know what a quad shot is, and I’ve ordered one before. It tickles me that there are six various half-pound bags of coffee beans in the kitchen... And so maybe my perky personality comes from too much caffeine, but I’m okay with that. I am a progressive, laid back, creative, practical, granola-head, and I like it." - Sarah Wright

i wonder sometimes about the outcome

... of a a still verdictless life.

Today started rough. Really rough. I sat on my floor and cried. cried. cried.

And I realized I really need to make some changes in my life.

And I wondered how and where I am going to end up. And with who and when.

And then I tried not to care. I can't. The future is too much. And it's not up to me. I have to let go and be determined for now. So I ran. ran. ran.

So what? So I've got a smile on. It's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head.

be more quiet now and wait for a voice to say...

This is where I went to church today.

notes:
our hope doesn't lie in other people.
not our political candidate.
not our pastor.
our hope should lie in the Lord.
not in our circumstances.

our circumstances should not dictate our happiness.

God will fulfill his purposes and plans.

Mark 9:24

And there’s nothing wrong with you. And nothing left to do, but believe something bigger.

all my little plans and schemes

... lost like some forgotten dreams.

This weekend was good. Hanging out with Courtney was good. Seeing Matt was good. Tori getting married is good. Friends are good. Columbia is good. A giant window in a bathroom is good (surprisingly). Hospitality is good. Spiritual pushes are good. Oh and coffee is good.

Today I went to three different Starbucks - all very different and important in their own way. Also, at the mall, I almost bought a $120 purse at Banana. Courtney has one and I want one, too. So there. I'm two sometimes.

I bought a nice selection of movies and rented Season 2, Disc 2 of Grey's.

I don't want to own anything anymore after the summer. And I would really like to study Health Education and Promotion.

Instant Karma.

No need to be alone. Oh. It's real love. It's real.

its time to be a big girl now.

It's 11:11. Make a wish.

Today was the longest day of the year. I've blogged three times.

Yes, you can hold my hand if you want to 'cause I want to hold yours too.

don't miss your boat, it's leaving now

Our kitchen is going on a diet. My mom is reading this book "The Sugar Solution" and we're starting to do what it says. Luckily for me, I already do most of what it suggests, so this will only be bringing more things I like to the table... literally.

And FYI: By drinking your 8 glasses of h20 a day you can burn about 35,000 calories (10 pounds!) a year. And drink it cold because your body burns more calories cooling the liquid to body temperature...

Also. Does anyone have a copy of Jane Eyre I can borrow? I've been inspired to read it again. It is a favorite.

"I loved him very much - more than I could trust myself to say - more than words had power to express." - Jane Eyre

In other news...





















This is for Courtney. Because I said so.

I feel restless and I just can't sleep

I think I've done some damage to my body over the last week. I got sun poisoning, dehydrated myself, inhaled dust, and ate semi-irresponsibly. Then I wanted to go running when I came even though I was sick and now I'm having slight more trouble breathing. Huh. It's ok. I'm fine. I can bounce back. I always bounce back. I bounce back from everything.

I rented the first disc of season two of Grey's Anatomy. I watched the whole thing today. It was painful. And I cried. And I hope my life is never that messy.

"Hmm. It's a shame. It's awful being a grown-up. But the carousel never stops turning. You can't get off."

Someone asked me about my future today and when I gave my fuzzy answer they said, "Oh well. Whatever. It's your life." Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

There is this guy who comes into the store - well sometimes he just sits out front - but I've decided that I like to watch him. Not for any particular reason other than he keeps my attention because I'm never really sure what he's doing. He can't be that much older than me. I'm told he's painfully shy. And I know he's had his heart broken. Sometimes we talk. Sometimes we don't. We didn't tonight. I just watched him play his silent saxophone.

I had my first franchise meeting yesterday. Owning a business is life consuming. I don't want my entire life to be consumed that way after this is over. There are too many other things I want more.

I'm tired. And I can't wait to go to Columbia this weekend. I don't know what I'm doing the whole time or even how long I'll be there or even who I'll be staying with the whole time. That's not important, I don't think. I think the city just reduces my stress level. My mom tries to get me to relax here, but I can't. I feel too out of control. Too far away from my comfort zone.

I think I'm going to take yoga again. And I'd like to watch Blood Diamond, An Inconvenient Truth, and Planet Earth.

Because leaving here is just too hard for me... But I swear I've never been this far before.

The world's on fire, it's more then I can handle.

Yesterday evening after dinner, my mom and I were driving down Sam Rittenberg and I looked up and saw tons of smoke coming across the highway and then all of a sudden we saw more. It was like a big black funnel of smoke coming from somewhere on Savannah Highway. All the traffic was being redirected toward us. We called all over trying to figure out what it was and to make sure our family was all accounted for. This is what the paper said this morning:


It was the single-worse loss of firefighters since 9/11, according to a spokesman from the U.S. Fire Administration, which tracks fire deaths and injuries. "Nine brave, heroic, courageous firefighters of the city of Charleston have perished fighting fire in a most courageous and fearless manner, carrying out their duties," Charleston Mayor Joe Riley said at a news conference this morning.

some courage is well overdue

I keep thinking of this time last year. 365 days ago. What was I doing? Who was I with? How did I feel? I was getting ready to go to Bonnaroo. I was getting ready to say goodbye.

This time this year isn't any different. Except it's completely different.

Rachel and I were discussing Columbia. The city. It's inhabitants and its lack thereof. And I wondered if I missed Columbia or if I missed my old life which Columbia was a part of. *sigh*

I'm glad I have these places and faces to miss. And, more than that, I'm glad I have these places and faces to see again.

PeaceLoveRoo. OhSeven.

Every moment of time’s just an answer to find what you’re here for, what you breathe for, what you wake for, what you bleed for.

i lie down like a tired dog

I hate making milkshakes. I just wanted to go ahead and get that out of the way.

So, I finally started Dreams from My Father by Barak Obama. And by started I mean I've read the first couple of pages. So, really the introduction to the book and not even the book itself. Huh. The point is I finished one and started another. And Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs is well worth the reading.

We're doing a three day diet at my house. Theoretically, I could weigh ten pounds less by Friday morning. Today when I got to work there were fresh chocolate croissants. Diets are stupid. Friday morning I'm going to have a chocolate croissant and coffee with cream for breakfast. And it's going to be GLORIOUS.

We have fresh blueberry muffins coffee at the store. I love giant bags of coffee. They make me happy.

It's amazing how much affection you can extract from one person when you make them an excellent beverage.

I'm going to Columbia this weekend. Holla.

Next weekend I'm going to Bonnaroo Oh Seven. I just made the chart of music I want to hear and things I want to do. I'm going to have to make some sacrifices. Argh.

My music listening habits are completely random. The Police. Dave Matthews Band. Beirut. Lily Allen. Dave Barnes. Random. Did I tell you all that when Kt and I see DMB in September we're going to be sitting third row center? Yay!! Love.

Tonight when I ran the sky was pink. And it was beautiful. And just for me.

I try to imagine a careless life, a scenic world where the sunsets are all breathtaking.

i felt every ounce of me screaming out

... But the sound was trapped deep in me.

finch5287: congrats on your wifi! welcome to the joys of interneting!

(An amazing customer came and set it up for us because we're inept.)

This morning I went on a walking field trip to a mexican restaurant with two classes of first graders. That was interesting. It involved a giant plate of crispy cinnamon chips and ice cream with sprinkles as well. It was a mess.

Some kid blew chunks in the front of the store today.

My boyfriend is very nice to me on the phone when I'm cleaning up puke.

I found real solace in the new ice cream - hunka hunka banana love. It's banana ice cream with chocolate chips and peanut butter cups. Kt and I agree that it's life changing.

I started running (not very far and not very fast) because it gives me something else to think about. And exercise gives you endorphins and endorphins make you happy. And happy people shouldn't feel stressed.

Tomorrow Kt, Alison and I are going to the Farmer's Market. Yay!

Forced fear falls away to leave me naked. Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety.

She left a note that said I'm sorry...

This sounds crazy, but everyday is a rollercoaster of emotions. I feel so unstable.

Some really crappy things happened today. Some pretty awesome things happened today too. Oy. Oy. Oy. I have to figure out what I'm doing with the rest of my life.

My mouse looks like a dinosaur when my computer is thinking. And I love my mom.

... I had a bad day again.

the world exploded into love all around me

An excerpt from (one of) the book(s) I'm reading:

As children we are always taught that we can do anything or be anyone. Life isn’t always that easy though: accidents tragically take loved ones from us, hearts are broken, dreams die, thorns in our flesh repeatedly pierce us, doors close, we experience unfulfilling jobs, people long for a child or long for a spouse, and we wake up and ask "where has the time gone? Is this where I thought I would be? Is this how I thought my life would be?" Life isn’t always what you expect it to be.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6).

[End.]

My days are full. Life is crazy. And I went running tonight and listened to this song on repeat. I'm a fan.

Oh. Is our life just an illusion? There is no need to figure it out. The separation exists not in your love filled heart, but only in your mind.

it's just when it's summer in the city...

I found this picture on Matt's computer. I like it.

I have a lot of things I could say right now, but I'm tired, so I will leave you with this: Fireflies. They're like paparazzi for the trees.

And I'm glad I'm here.

... I start to miss you, baby, sometimes.

so time will go and we may be far apart i know

22 Days until Bonnaroo. Tomorrow I don't have to work in the store. And the prices of gas and postage are ridiculous.

Cause I don’t think that we should ever feel the need to worry, ever get ourselves in a hurry. You know I love you. I know you love me.

My bed has a frame. My walls have pictures. My dresser and closet have clothing. Our storage unit has lots of excess. My mom has a bruise on her knee. I have a haircut. And the store is really clean.

Have I mentioned that I like Charleston? I do. I don't like working the mall. We're not mall people. But I do love making coffee. I made a lady a heart in her drink the other day. She really appreciated it. I like working with my mom, too. Her dedication is amazing. Not to her job. But to God.

Have I mentioned that I miss Columbia? I do. I miss Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights. I miss walking everywhere and living on the hill surrounded by all the people. I miss the windows in my room.

I'm looking forward to this weekend.

I am almost 23, confused with all the lines in between. They are dying to be read. Softly spoken. Simply said.

I think I stopped listening to God. I think I got scared. I stopped journaling too. I'm going to try again. Because I should. Because I need to. Because I want to. Because my life should be centered on Him. Not my job. Not my room. Not music. Not my family. Not my boyfriend. Not my friends. But if it is centered on Him all of those things will become infinitely sweeter. I know this to be true.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

Tell me do you believe in the girl that is me with her feet to your feet, well that’s all that I need.

the end of fear is where we begin

I wish, wishing for you to find your way and I'll hold on for all you need. That's all we need to say.

I'm in Charleston and I've actually been pretty busy since I got here. There is a lot to be done for all sorts of things. I want things to settle down and for me to have a normal schedule so I can make normal plans with people and keep in normal touch with all of the people who need to be kept in touch with.

At times I feel like no one really notices that I'm gone - that people made a big deal about leaving and then don't care. Then there are times where I don't notice that I'm gone. This all leaves me very confused and slightly upset at the thought of not being missed. But also slightly hopeful. And sort of worried. So really I don't know what I feel.

With that in mind, things here keep getting easier. They don't seem so strange, I suppose. It's like it's all coming back to me and I'm discovering new things too. I went to the ICCB plant today and made some mildly disappointing latte art while trying new chai. I saw a wild turkey on the side of the road and went to Charleston Tea Plantation on Wadmalaw Island and bought fresh produce at a market which was also on the side of the road. Then I wondered what it will be like when I don't live in South Carolina anymore. And then I got lost downtown and found a cupcake store I would like to visit. I also decided I would like to live down there despite the potential flooding.

And I'm really grateful for Kt. I hope she knows that. I should probably tell her.

Now it's raining which is good because maybe it will make some of the forest fire smoke disappear and we can all breathe easier. And speaking of the climate... Live Earth: For a Climate in Crisis.

(Ok. The first picture is of the Wentworth Mansion - namesake of my very first ipod. I took it with my phone while driving. Unsafe. And the second picture is of a tshirt kt made me. She's very amazing.)

There's nothing we can do about the things we have to live without. The only way to see again is let love in.

though endings are never ever happy

Once someone mused to me how strange it was that when you're in the middle of something big that everyone song seems to be written about you. They were right. I probably shouldn't listen to anymore music tonight, but that's just who I am.

My walls are empty. My drawers are empty. I feel a little empty. It's like I'm breaking up with my city and my home. I feel like everything is ending when in reality everything is only beginning.

My mommy is coming to help me pack. Right now. Because she loves me.

It's the happy moments along the way that, in the end, make it ok.

look me in the heart and tell me you won't go

Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love.

I finished college this week. Technically, I'm still an undergrad, but in my heart I'm an alumna.

I like summer. I'm glad I'm getting to enjoy a bit of it before I go. I went to Sumter on Tuesday. And assembled on the hill on Wednesday. And spent time in Lexington on Thursday.

Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows?

I would like to go to California. And Seattle while I'm over that way.

I'm finally good with moving to Charleston. I'm a little interested to see what my future is going to hold. Too bad it won't just call and tell me.

I don't really know what to say. I'm glad there are people who believe in me and encourage me. I hope people feel the same way about me.

Listening to: Tegan and Sara. Beck. Muse. Sufjan Stevens. And the cd Matt made me. (I like that boy.)

It's love that breaks the seal of always thinking you would be real happy and healthy, strong and calm. Where does the good go?

Now here's the sun, it's alright! (Lies!)

larry bird

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