I learned something new about myself this week.

It wasn't fun. It involved a lot of tears. It's going to involve some struggle.

I haven't been sharing as much about the inside of my head because mostly I've been pretty good. I know who I am, what I stand for, where I am going. (Sort of.) I changed jobs in June - that was a BIG deal, but I genuinely felt led to do that. I loved my Apple family, but I was no longer finding value in my job. Since then, it's been a roller coaster of life and learning a new j.o.b.

I've been doing a good job. I am successful at what I do. I love the women I work with who amaze me every single day. I love our guests who are up to crazy things. I find it unbelievable that I get to play on social media with more purpose than ever before. I like sweating all over the city and making friends wherever I go.

But, for some reason, it hasn't felt like enough in my head. I'm doing too much learning. I'm not doing enough of the right things. I'm not looking to charge up a ladder like I have been at every other job in my life. I've said no to work in efforts to keep personal life promises. Honestly, that's strange. I've spent the last 12 years of my life focused solely on working hard and making money. Multiple jobs. Overtime. Skipping some big life events. And now, well, my priorities have shifted.

When I look forward 10 years, the first thing I think about is no longer my job. It's my (soon to be) husband. It's our home. It's our family. It's our life sprinkled with the things I enjoy - yoga and coffee and blogging.

For so long, I found my value and self-worth in my career. And now I don't.  And I'm having a really hard time accepting it because I'm not sure where to look for it.

Ok, ok. I know where to find it. In Him. I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. He has come so that we may have life and have it abundantly!

I just have to focus on that. His love. His promises. His future He has planned for me. It's not about my career. It's not even about me. It's about Him.

Note: My boss is actually the one who helped me come to the realization and encouraged me to share it with the team! The support I receive both professionally & personally from my work family is amazing - and how I know I'm exactly where I need to be!

This morning at church the pastor said, "There are two types of people who ride roller coasters. The first is the kind who holds on like this [gripping tightly]. The second is the kind who holds on like this [hands up in the air]. The first kind is holding onto anything they can to give themselves a sense that they are more secure even though they're not. The second has their hands up because they know they are secure."

Wow. Reality check.

Fear is a manipulative emotion that can trick us 
into leading a boring life. - Donald Miller

I don't want to lead a boring life. I want my life to be full of goals that are crushed, relationships that thrive, and lots of coffee because there's not always enough time for sleep.

Storyline Conference 2014. I'm coming for you.

All Day Fall Day 2013!

This month, I'm really trying to be me - like the REAL me. I've been saying no when I need to say no and yes when I want to say yes. I've been drinking Granny Apple Cider because it's fall and I like it. I bought big colorful sunglasses because I thought it was a good idea. I've been unapologetic about my feelings and have cried when I need to cry and been silent when that was key. I have spent hours cleaning because it makes me feel good. I bought bags of Lindt truffles to treat myself with. I have visited friends from near and far. I'm still figuring out pieces of my job and they're continually giving me space to ebb and flow. I haven't worked out in almost two weeks, but have found rest and am ready to amp it back up. I am trying to tell the people around me how much I enjoy their company because they're pretty fantastic individuals. I sleep with my windows open and my fan on so I can snuggle up under my anthropologie quilt. I've spent a lot of time in my car blasting music with the windows rolled down and the fall breeze whipping through my hair. I visited the site of my future wedding again and was filled with anticipation of being Mrs. Taylor. I rescheduled my days to account for a visit to the pumpkin patch. I've started reading through some beloved blogs and listening to Joy the Baker podcasts again. I'm remembering the things that I love and give me joy. Sometimes it's hard to be yourself, so I'm trying to reflect on these things now - hoping that I don't let them fall by the wayside again.

What are you doing that brings you joy?
What are you really into during this fall season?

xo.

My heart is full of joy.

Yesterday, one of my dearest friends, Megan, was in town for less than 24 hours, but it was one of the best whirlwind trips. I'm so lucky to have someone in my life who I can fall in and out of routine with easily. She's the type of friend who can finish my sentences and understand why I am frustrated or happy without my having to explain. She can drink insane amounts of caffeine and power through jet leg to walk on the beach and eat burgers with me.

And that's what life is about... Creating moments and memories with those around you.

It's not a race. It's not a checklist. It's just love.

Spring is a time of refreshing and new growth. Everyone knows that.

But what is fall?

To me, fall is a time of steadfastness. To know who you are and charge forward.

But do we know who we are in an ever changing environment? Is our confidence at a level that can withstand the season and hold fast through the winter?

It's so frustrating to struggle. You feel alone or misunderstood. But you're not. Every person around you is feeling the same things, dealing with the same problems and questions. So, why don't we talk about it?

Do we feel too different Do we think admission is a sign of weakness?

The only way we can move through life is together.

But it starts within you. You are enough.

I am enough.

It's possible that I overextended myself in September. Or, as my friend Parker said, I was burning the candle at 20 different ends.

So, October is a month for renewal. Fall is my favorite season. October is one of my favorite months. This year, I will use it to find joy and renewed energy.

"... in October, everybody walks around with a certain energy as if they are going to be elected president the next day, as if they are going to get married." (Donald Miller)

I started by meditating for just one minute this morning and reading a story from the book, Cold Tangerines.

"Today, humble Today, presents itself to us with all the ceremony and bling of a glittering diamond ring: Wear me, it says. Wear me out. Love me, dive into me, discover me, it pleads with us." (Shauna Niequist)

Slow and steady wins the race.

xo.

I am a pretty organized person. I have an iPhone and a day planner that I use constantly. My calendars are shared with my fiancé and my sweat schedule is posted for co-workers to see, join, or hold me accountable. Planning and organizing means you get to see everyone and do everything and not forget things. Great!

The problem is life cannot be planned and organized. The hings in life can be, but life itself cannot. Life has curveballs - health issues, schedule changes, weather conditions. Those things that knock or your loved ones out of whack. They turn you and your day planner upside down.

That is just the way it is.

I am trying to learn to deal with these things as they come. I'm getting better, but there are still usually tears involved.

I wonder what would happen if I spent a month doing no planning other than work? Is that a ridiculous challenge to take on?

I guess the most important thing to remember is to get back up when life knocks you down. That's what I do in yoga. Fall out of the posture? Try again. Life won't stop. Why should you?

I'm finishing up my "weekend". I'm a Friday/Saturday off girl, so I'm enjoying my last day off for the
week. It's been pretty fantastic, if I do say so myself.

Nate Date Day was yesterday! We spent the whole day together being tourists in our own town at the Firefly Distillery followed by lunch at one of our favorite places - Black Bean Company! We did yoga at Mission and vegged out to several episodes of Hell's Kitchen. It's nice to have a real day off with your love.

Today, I ran around downtown and Mt. P doing some grocery shopping, coffee drinking, etc. I always forget about The Vegetable Bin, but it's such a nice, quiet alternative to the Farmer's Market AND it's open all week. At home, I made a delicious batch of Shutterbean's Killer Granola and now I'm hanging out with Roxy Pants on the couch while my lovely Sangria Rewined candle burns on the table. Also, having a Granny Smith Cider. Don't judge. It's my day off.

It's almost time to do dishes, make dinner, watch football, etc. But for now, I'm just enjoying.

September is going to be busy.

I'm starting a personal bikram yoga challenge - three times per week so I can REALLY give it a chance and understand the benefits. Also, I'm starting a Yin Yoga Series for four weeks. AND Nate and I are starting the Alpha Program at Crosstowne.

Talk about a jam packed month! But if there is one thing I've learned, there's no better time than now. Let's just see if I get burnt out...

Until next time, think sweet, pumpkiny fall thoughts! xo.

September is full. Let's try again in October.

xo.

Fall is coming!

I can feel it in the air.
I can smell it in Bath & Body Works.
I can taste it at Starbucks.

Soon.

But for now, I will get up and make pumpkin paleo pancakes for me + my love before yoga and pretend that we've  already settled into fall.

 The getting out of bed is the hard part. I really love lying here, reading what everyone is doing across the country in blogland, and feeling the cool breeze through my window.

Ok. 1.2.3. Go!

Listening to: Paramore: Ain't It Fun

Breathe it all in. 
Love it all out.

Three days off will give you a lot of perspective.

on work/life balance.
on community.
on productivity.
on God.
on quality time.
on food.
on exercise.
on friends.
on responsibility.
on sleep.

I just wonder. What's really most important to you? How do prioritize/balance it all? It's such a delicate juggling act.

Dear Harper,

You, my sweet little nephew, are a truly a gift from God. Your little baby person sparks such love in everyone who meets you. Your teeny baby features are miraculous and adorable. I love every piece of you. Right now, you sleep a lot and cuddle up in my arms when I'm holding you. It leaves me without words how precious you are all bundled up against me. One day, you'll grow up and be too big for cuddles, but we'll spend time together playing at the beach and Uncle Nate will teach you to surf. I'll be sure to put SPF all over you, but I'll balance it by spoiling you with ice cream and letting you stay up late. We're going to have so much fun! I can't wait to see your life unfold.

I love you oh so well.

xo.

Auntie Erin

"In the process of committing to something bigger than I had ever challenged myself to before, I have discovered more than I ever dreamed. I’ve learned to manage time more effectively, I’ve learned how to say “yes” and how to say “no”. I’ve discovered that in order to achieve a goal, you actually have to be in action at all times." - the wunder year

This girl has been blogging for the last 207 days (give or take a few) and is headed for 365. That's crazy pants. (Crazy wunder unders. Ha!) I had a difficult time with 100 days. I'm not saying it's easy for her (it's not) or that it's always interesting for me to read (it's not) but I am so impressed with her goal that I continue to check it every few days in my Feedly. Some days I skim over the words and some days I soak them all in, turn them over in my heart and share them in my own posts or conversations. 

Her words in this post were just so true - full of personal responsibility & grace - that I had to bring them over here for us all to have.

And action.

Geez. You know what's hard? Life.

And you know who it's hard for? Errybody.

Yeah. Let's be honest, here. Life is hard for everyone. You know how I've come to that conclusion? I know a lot of people who know a lot of people and everyone's having problems. Financial issues. Relationship issues. Self issues. Job issues. Eating issues. Healthy issues. So, no, it's not just you. Welcome to the club.

What do we do in this club?

Take shit one day at a time.

Smile when you can. Cry when you need.

I've been thinking a lot about the stresses I feel and how I am in control of them. Will I/Should I always be able to control them? Not always. But I have the freedom to choose how I deal with things. I have the freedom to say yes or no. I have the freedom to over/under schedule myself. I have the freedom to change my course. I have the freedom to change my pattern of behavior. I have the freedom to be free from stress & guilt that I put on myself. I have the freedom to be released from these toxic holds over my mind, my heart, my body.

I've been continuing this soul detox devotion (faithfully this week) and was able to go back to yoga. And it's also been a chocolate eating week. It's been emotional. I'm learning how to meditate this upcoming week and it will be my first week without work email on my phone. This will probably also be emotional. (Sorry, Nate!)

But I'm gonna take this shit one day at a time.
(Except for the part that needs planning.)

Because, in the long run, we're all just learning and tumbling through these days - this life - together.

Speak uplifting words.
Speak truth.
Speak love.

And when you eff it up. Give yourself some grace.

That's my rambling for the week. xo.

This afternoon's companions. Plus, Bob Dylan.

Today.

Today, I am so thankful for my job and for the challenges it has faced me with. I am so thankful to have a partner, a better half, to support me through this time of change and adjustment. I am so thankful to have grace and freedom on my side. I am so thankful for positivity. I am so thankful for sharing and caring; for not stopping, but constantly moving forward. I am so thankful for the goals I have and my ability to charge after them. I am so thankful for hard work rather than luck. I am so thankful for opportunities to fail forward and learn for myself and for others. I am so thankful for the constant reminder to speak life-giving words to those around me; to uplift and heal rather than stomp and wound. I am so thankful for all of the crabs lifting me out of the pot.

Today. I am so thankful.

From my Soul Detox devotion:

"Our words are powerful. They have the power to kill and the power to give life. Throughout the book of Proverbs, Solomon often writes about the dangers and the life-giving abilities of our words. He was very aware of the power of words. As a result, Solomon encourages us all to be aware of the types of words we speak to others and the positive and negative affects they can have.

What types of words do you tend to speak most - toxic or life-giving?"

Something for us all to think about.

xo.

July is gonna be bonkers amazing. I can feel it.